Wife wants kids...

[Hodor]

3 years ago I had an arranged marriage. It was not due to pressure from family or anything but it was my choice. I met several girls and when I saw her I knew she was the one. We both immediately liked each other and we were perfectly compatible. She is educated and holds a very good job.

 

Before agreeing to getting married we met and talked several times. We discussed everything, what kind of lifestyle we both expect and what kind of future we had in mind.

 

I am someone who was extremely clear with my goals. I want to retire by 40 and live rest of my life comfortably with my partner in some foreign location. For this I am working like crazy right now. One thing I dont see in my life is kids. I know the plans I have in mind will never be possible if we have kids. We had discussed this in detail and she agreed and saw herself fitting properly in my vision. I didnt force her or try to influence her in any way.

 

After our marriage we were extremely happy. We both worked during the week like crazy and enjoyed on weekends. We went on short holidays. Sometimes if I required to travel for my work I would take her if she could get a leave. Everything was okay.

 

However, if you live in society your thoughts will surely be influenced by it. Thats what happened to her. Our friends and co-workers started getting pregnant and having kids. This changed her thinking. One night when we were out for dinner she completely surprised me by saying lets have kids. I was shocked. I knew it wasnt a joke. We had a long discussion about it. I tried to tell her that our life is perfect and we are well in line with our plan. She told me that we have had our fun and its now time to share it with a new person.

 

Every other day this topic would come up and we would fight and argue over the same thing again and again. I told her several times that I clearly mentioned before marriage that I dont want kids but she said that its not like there was a written contract or anything. Things change. She now tells me she doesnt like my plan to retire so early and doesnt want to leave the country. She says we should live like others and shouldn't try too hard to be different.

 

The problem I cant get anyone to take my side on this. If I consult my parents they say obviously you should have kids. If I consult our friends they say you should have kids. She and my mother are very close. Like other mothers my mom too wants that I should have kids. So she is fully supporting this idea. Its becoming extremely difficult for me.

 

We had a perfect life. Exactly the kind of life I had in mind. No issues, no family tensions, no financial burdens. In these 3 years I had no problems with my wife, other than small husband-wife issues. I cant figure out how to deal with this problem. If I give in and we plan a baby then my whole dreams will be washed away in a second.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

What steps have you taken to ensure you wont have a kid? Some woman will stoop so low as to trick you into a kid. Like stop taking birth control and say they still are type thing. I personally would get a vasectomy just to be sure. And i would announce to your family that you are getting one. Maybe that will shut them up about killing your dreams.

 

Second, you were clear on your goals and dreams. She just went along with whatever to get married and figured "ill change his mind later" idk why people (mostly women) do this, but it is very common. Dont give up your dream for no woman. NOT ONE! Never found a woman worth giving up your dreams for. Especially when there are tons who would love to actually share that dream with you. She knew what she signed up for. She just though she could manipulate you later in marriage. Or she changed her mind, either way thats on her not you. Go get that vasectomy and put this issue to rest.

[Satu]

Spend less time on your job and more on your wife.

 

This plan of yours needs to re-written to include your wife's changed needs.

 

Go to it.

 

 

Take care.

[WasOtherWoman]

As a person who has been very clear since I was a child myself that I did not ever want children, I sympathize.

 

I think you will hear many different pieces of advice here, ranging from making sure she does not get pregnant to asking you to consider changing your mind and agreeing to have a child.

 

I personally think that there are honestly people who are not meant to have children, myself included. This means that I acknowledge that I was not willing to make the sacrifices that one should make to accommodate children in their life. I have met people who were not "into it" and had kids. Year ago a had a friend who did this. The child was dropped off at day care, then picked up and dropped off into the gym daycare at night, etc. It was sad, really.

 

Yes, your wife changed her mind, (not sure how old you both are?). I would allow her the option of pursuing her new plan for her life with someone else.

 

I guess the only advice I have for you is this "to thine own self be true". Don't let anyone talk you into such, forever life altering decision.

[BettyDraper]

You will have to make a choice between your dreams and your wife's happiness. I know this is a difficult decision but that is what it comes down to.

 

Social pressure is very powerful and many people allow it to run their lives. Your wife's change of heart is not for the right reasons and it is foolish to have a child just so that she stops feeling left out.

 

Maybe you can have more conversations with your wife about the realities of raising children. Is she ready to have her body altered by pregnancy? Is she ready for her life to be monopolized by raising a child? Has she considered the financial upheaval of being a parent? What about the change in your marriage? Let your wife know that if you agree to have a child to make her happy, that will surely affect the kind of father you will be in the long run.

[elaine567]

The problem here is that your wife got broody and now wants the children she is biologically programmed to have.

Her promises to you did not take into consideration biology.

YOU are now on two different paths and so you either give in or you split. Denying a woman her children is a HUGE issue so I see no way forward for this marriage if you stick to your guns here.

 

She promised you something that on hindsight was a huge mistake on her part, but my guess is she was just not aware of the natural drive for children that is present in most women.

This drive has now kicked in and it is highly unlikely to just go away...

[GunslingerRoland]

I am on another forum geared towards personal finances. And all of the time, I see guys in their early 20's come on and talk about how much they've already saved at their new job and talking about their plans to retire early, and the first thing I always point out to them, is that it isn't realistic because they are too young to know what they want from their life as far as a family plan goes.

 

What you need to do is take a step back and forget your plan. Decide what you truly want in your heart for your life.

 

Because while retiring at 40 sounds like a cool goal, the reality is what are you going to do with the next 40-50 years of your life, while not working, in this new foreign country with your spouse? What if she passes away a few decades before you? What if you pass away a few decades before her?

 

It sounds like you have this plan in place (which is 100% your plan, not hers mind you), to live a life as a workaholic for 20 years and then suddenly shift gears and live a life of pure leisure afterwards, that rarely works out well for people.

[mikeylo]

Get vasectomy done and don't tell anyone. Do good sex , enjoy it and tell everyone that you are trying to have a kid.

 

This is going to give you issues in future, so think way ahead. After ' trying ' for a while , when baby doesn't happen , you both end up in doctors rooms for check up.

You yourself might want kids at a later stage , just like your wife wants now.

It's also possible that you don't want a kid with your current wife. Happens many times. You are happy with her as a wife but don't see her being as a mother of your kid. Someone else might fit in !

 

You can tell about vasectomy after you've done it. That too will have repurcusions.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't see how having a vasectomy without running it by your wife is less ****ty than a woman trying to get pregnant without her husbands agreement?

[BlueIris]

I guess the question is, how flexible are you willing to be? If retiring childless by 40 is essential to you, tell her, no. Then she’ll have to decide how important it is to her to have children.

 

Don’t get a vasectomy and lie to her. Then you’d just be a liar robbing her of her right to make informed decisions, too. That would be really cruel.

[mikeylo]

I don't see how having a vasectomy without running it by your wife is less ****ty than a woman trying to get pregnant without her husbands agreement?

 

I agree , it's a bad decision. But the way I see is that the poor guy is stuck. If he tells his wife , she is , by the looks of it , is going to involve the entire family and friends hound on him. Its his life and he has a right to live the way he wants. Yeah, he is married but he was clear when he married.

It's like the open marriage where people first agree and then after a while can't deal with it.

 

OP and his wife could divorce because in having a kid , there is no middle ground. You either have one or you don't. Nothing meeting in the middle compromise.

[BlueIris]

I agree , it's a bad decision. But the way I see is that the poor guy is stuck. If he tells his wife , she is , by the looks of it , is going to involve the entire family and friends hound on him. Its his life and he has a right to live the way he wants. Yeah, he is married but he was clear when he married.

It's like the open marriage where people first agree and then after a while can't deal with it.

 

OP and his wife could divorce because in having a kid , there is no middle ground. You either have one or you don't. Nothing meeting in the middle compromise.

 

So what if they hound him? If it matters to him, he should just say, no. I agree that there might be no middle ground, but then she has every right to divorce him. He has every right to stand firm and not bend. If he wants to ensure that he doesn't have kids, he can have a vasectomy but don't lie about it. They each have the right to their positions. Or either to both can compromise. Tough decisions. But that's life, and you can't avoid tough decisions.

[mikeylo]

He already said no but it didn't help him. I agree with you though.

[Rockdad]

 

We had a perfect life. Exactly the kind of life I had in mind. No issues, no family tensions, no financial burdens. In these 3 years I had no problems with my wife, other than small husband-wife issues. I cant figure out how to deal with this problem. If I give in and we plan a baby then my whole dreams will be washed away in a second.

 

Hell yes it was perfect, everything was going your way! Wouldn't everyone of us want our life plans to go exactly as we visioned.

 

The best reason for you not bringing a child into this is because you don't want to be a father. Your not willing to invest the kind of time and money that it takes to be a real dad so don't. Expect some backlash in some form from your 'arranged wife' even though she originally agreed to the master plan. I know it doesn't make sense to you and I will now welcome you to the real world.

[elaine567]

He can stand his ground and if she doesn't like it then she leaves, simple.

 

Getting a vasectomy done behind her back and then watch whilst she goes through all those infertility investigations would be ridiculous.

Then when it was proven he is infertile, he would either need to get it reversed to clear the "blockage" or use donor sperm - so he would then be paying for kids that weren't even his...

[RecentChange]

As someone who has NEVER wanted children, not for a moment, never a doubt, this would be a 100% deal breaker for me.

 

Your visions, goals and dreams have changed. SHE has changed. I say set her free to persue her new dream.

 

My spouse and I have a plan similar to yours. No kids, and we have a foreign city in sight that we would like to move to when we are 50.

 

If he came to me and said he now wants children, I would not be willing to sacrifice my happiness, my dreams and goals for him.

 

I would have no choice but to set him free.

 

I also think you are now in a precarious situation with her wanting to get pregnant. I would get a vasectomy ASAP and tell her.

 

You have been clear that you do not want children, you have been truthful with her.

[Davey L]

Hmm. The thing is, that when you get past 40 you will likely come to realise that there is in fact more to life than a career, making heaps of money and then retiring early, sitting on your arse all lonely and wishing that you had a loving family and people that would actually miss you when you finally kick the bucket.

 

Just a thought from someone looking back from the other side of 40.

[BettyDraper]

I don't see how having a vasectomy without running it by your wife is less ****ty than a woman trying to get pregnant without her husbands agreement?

 

This. Permanent birth control and having children should be a joint decision between a married couple.

 

That said, I don't see why the OP should forget his plans just because they don't fit into the typical Lifescript. The choice to retire early and not have children is just as valid as bringing kids into the world. If the OP retires early and his wife dies young, it doesn't mean that his life has to stop.

[BettyDraper]

Hmm. The thing is, that when you get past 40 you will likely come to realise that there is in fact more to life than a career, making heaps of money and then retiring early, sitting on your arse all lonely and wishing that you had a loving family and people that would actually miss you when you finally kick the bucket.

 

Just a thought from someone looking back from the other side of 40.

 

Family is not defined purely by parenthood. A person can decide not to have children and still be loved and missed by nieces, nephews, spouses, other family members and dear friends.

 

What I don't understand is the way people tend to forget that children do not always bring joy and fulfillment. Kids can certainly add considerable strife and pain to life. There's no guarantee that a child will be healthy or make good decisions as they get older. Ask the parents of children with severe developmental challenges or mental illnesses. Talk to parents who provided every advantage for their children yet their kids still grew up to be prison inmates. Anyone who thinks that children will surely ward off loneliness has never visited a nursing home.

[GunslingerRoland]

That said, I don't see why the OP should forget his plans just because they don't fit into the typical Lifescript. The choice to retire early and not have children is just as valid as bringing kids into the world. If the OP retires early and his wife dies young, it doesn't mean that his life has to stop.

 

My only point to this, is if you walked through a university campus and asked a bunch of 20 year old guys what their "Lifescript" is, retiring at 40 and not having kids would probably be a pretty common answer.

 

You went back to those same guys at 40 and see how many haven't followed that plan and actually regret it, it's probably not that many.

 

If he really doesn't want to have kids, that on it's own is a reason to not have kids. But if the reason for it is this plan, I think he needs to give some real thought to how practical this plan is.

 

So many people who retire early (or even at 65) end up going back to work, because they don't know what to do with themselves afterwards.

[GunslingerRoland]

Family is not defined purely by parenthood. A person can decide not to have children and still be loved and missed by nieces, nephews, spouses, other family members and dear friends.

.

 

 

I strongly agree, BUT don't forget that a big part of his plan is to move far away from all of those nieces, nephews, other family members and dear friends, as well as the nieces, nephews, other family members and dear friends of his spouse.

[BettyDraper]

My only point to this, is if you walked through a university campus and asked a bunch of 20 year old guys what their "Lifescript" is, retiring at 40 and not having kids would probably be a pretty common answer.

 

You went back to those same guys at 40 and see how many haven't followed that plan and actually regret it, it's probably not that many.

 

If he really doesn't want to have kids, that on it's own is a reason to not have kids. But if the reason for it is this plan, I think he needs to give some real thought to how practical this plan is.

 

So many people who retire early (or even at 65) end up going back to work, because they don't know what to do with themselves afterwards.

 

I agree that retired people often go back to work because they are bored. However, there are other ways to stay occupied such as hobbies, taking classes or volunteer organizations. I am a housewife with no kids and I still find ways to fill my days. I have a home to clean and decorate. I have meals to plan and prepare. There is also my volunteer work, exercise and hobbies.

 

I don't think that it is common for young people not to have or want kids. Besides the biological urges, there is also the very strong social conditioning to have children. Childfree living has become more popular but most people still follow the traditional path of having children at some point whether they get married or not. That is why the decision to be childfree is still stigmatized and frowned upon.

 

You're right when you say that retiring early is not an attainable goal for most people. I just don't think that it is terribly outlandish if someone has a firm plan to achieve certain dreams in life. I notice that many people bring children into the world that they can barely provide for. Many of them have the trappings of suburban life yet they are still living hand to mouth while presenting a certain image to the world. The pressures of raising kids along with financial distress takes a huge toll on their marriages. On paper, that seems just as impractical as any other path in life.

[BettyDraper]

I strongly agree, BUT don't forget that a big part of his plan is to move far away from all of those nieces, nephews, other family members and dear friends, as well as the nieces, nephews, other family members and dear friends of his spouse.

 

Ah, I see. I missed that part. Good point.

 

It's possible to maintain close relationships from a distance with all the technology available as well as frequent visits. However, distance surely takes a toll on relationships as well.

[Hodor]

Thanks alot guys for your replies. Its good to see so many people agreeing (or part) with me. I wont quote anybody in particular but this reply will address all the things raised.

 

Since the dinner revelation happened we are arguing a lot. Like I said the topic of kid is being brought up every other day. So sex has become so infrequent. But its a very good point and I need to be careful. I really need to think about this, do you have any suggestions other than vasectomy.

 

Vasectomy is a very big step. I haven't even researched about it. To do it without telling her would mean I need to think 100s of scenarios. Its better to sort it out some other way than this kind of deception.

 

As for spending less time on job and more with her, thats not a problem. We both have very demanding jobs. She is a chartered accountant and I own a small IT company with 3 of my college friends. We both work till late and take the weekends off. So our timings are pretty synchronized here. Its not like she sits at home the whole day waiting for me to come with nothing to do other than watch TV.

 

The thing is my father came from a very modest background. My dad started a small business made a decent fortune, lost most of it and made a decent fortune again. I have seen him working like crazy his whole life. I had never seen him taking off on Sundays. He would be at the office all the time. He has enough to retire now but is addicted to work. He tried to take a break but couldnt sit at home even for a week. Yes he is my hero but I cant imagine living a life like that. I am working on creating some fixed income sources and trying to grow our company. I ultimately want to sell my shares in the company and settle in a foreign location.

 

What I feel is you dont know how its gonna turn out. But that doesnt mean you dont keep a goal in mind. I need a reason to get up in the morning. If you tell me I have to work for rest of my life I probably wouldnt feel like going to work the next day. But I can see my dream shaping up very slowly and it motivates me. Yes I can get hit by a bus tomorrow but these are the things which I have to discount.

 

I am 28 and my wife is 27. Our friends are of the same age range. So its pretty common to open our fb page and see school buddies, college buddies, getting pregnant or posting their baby's photos. The social networking has made it possible to see whats going on with everybody even if you havent talked with him or her for years. Then a simple conversation of congratulations will lead to talks like when are you guys planning? This wont stop for 2-3 of more years. Like one of her friends had delivery a week back. When my wife took the baby in her hand she cried. Things like these doesnt help my case. We can't even cut contacts with society.

 

I talked with my mom and dad separately. My mom clearly told me I am wrong and she will no way support me in this matter. My dad said to not think about retirement and just keep working. He said my whole plan is flawed. Even if I make a billion and retire before the proper age then it would mean I have wasted my life. Everything is obviously my decision including kids and he wont take sides.

 

I am thinking to talk with her sister. I just hope it wont make matters worse. This isnt a situation where you can turn to your best friends for help. This is extremely different. I dont even know whom to consult. I was reading on the internet about things to do in relationship issues and came across this forum. If I wanted to end it and let her go then I wouldnt even have cared to try. Deep down I feel its a phase and it will pass when people around us stop shoving pictures of babies or pregnant bellies in our face.

Edited June 3, 2016 by Hodor

[elaine567]

Deep down I feel its a phase and it will pass when people around us stop shoving pictures of babies or pregnant bellies in our face.

 

I think you are mistaken. It will then be birthday parties, walking /talking, the terrible twos, going to school, all the mumsy chat on and on and on, and your wife will be increasingly sad with no children of her own.