Wife wants kids...

[mikeylo]

Accept it or not , but you got manipulated in marrying her. Read my previous post where I say she most likely agreed to no kids as she believed that later , with family pressure, you will give in.

Now with the 'sacrifice ' drama, you are again being manipulated to staying married with her and always be obliged and thankful to her because she gave up a large part of her life for you. Dude, you are screwed. The only way out of this life long misery is divorce that you don't want.

The ' sacrifice' will always be in your face in whatever you do / don't do.

[Hodor]

She wants children, you don't. There's no solution except to divorce. This isn't about love, it's obvoius you two love one another. it's about wanting a family unit. You don't want that so the kindest thing to do is to divorce.

 

On some level, she never should have married you knowing that you were never going to have children with her.

 

Would have, could have, should have. I am past that stage. What matters is today and tomorrow.

 

Its not like I dont want a divorce. Yes I tried extremely hard to avoid it but when things quickly went out of hands I started mentally preparing myself for it. My wife has accepted my terms. I will have to give it sometime and see how its going.

 

I think that "sacrifice" is just a step too far, and there is also the issue of you wanting to pull her away from friends and family, by leaving the country when you retire at 40.

 

Friends yes, family not so much. Many Indian girls are mentally prepared that after Marriage they wont see their family much. Not many marries in the same city. My wife want particular that she wants to marry a person from her city only. And when I say retire abroad I am looking to live in India atleast 2 months in a year. I need to manage commercial properties here as I cant rely that on agencies like in western countries.

 

 

Accept it or not , but you got manipulated in marrying her. Read my previous post where I say she most likely agreed to no kids as she believed that later , with family pressure, you will give in.

Now with the 'sacrifice ' drama, you are again being manipulated to staying married with her and always be obliged and thankful to her because she gave up a large part of her life for you. Dude, you are screwed. The only way out of this life long misery is divorce that you don't want.

The ' sacrifice' will always be in your face in whatever you do / don't do.

 

Manipulated or not, she isnt getting what she wanted. She is not prepared to walk away from the marriage as of now. Moreover she has realised that I am ready for a separation. She isnt stupid. She knows me and if I am so firm on something there is nothing that could change my mind. Maybe she had some hope from my parents but that too didnt work. She knows her family isnt in a position to command anything.

 

If the sacrifice things comes up in couple of fights then I will have to let her go. Right now that is whats going on in my mind. Moreover she knows, the more she delays the separation the more difficult it would be for her to find another man.

[Els]

So an internet forum and Facebook page trumps the sane majority of parents who love their kids? There are outliers everywhere, OP does not seem to be one, so I stand by what I said.

 

Regret and love are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I have spoken to a few parents who would move mountains for their kids, but also said that if they could do over they might have decided not to have kids.

 

And yes, people are more likely to be brutally honest about such things anonymously on the internet, or at least when they are talking privately to people whom they are very close to. The reason is quite simple: people like you who will automatically judge them as 'insane' and 'unloving'. I am sure that the people who admitted the above to me are not going around advertising their thoughts to all and sundry.

 

You are actually doing a potential human being a HUGE disfavour by trying to convince the OP to have a child that he doesn't want. Stop it.

[adna89]

Would have, could have, should have. I am past that stage. What matters is today and tomorrow.

 

Its not like I dont want a divorce. Yes I tried extremely hard to avoid it but when things quickly went out of hands I started mentally preparing myself for it. My wife has accepted my terms. I will have to give it sometime and see how its going.

 

 

 

Friends yes, family not so much. Many Indian girls are mentally prepared that after Marriage they wont see their family much. Not many marries in the same city. My wife want particular that she wants to marry a person from her city only. And when I say retire abroad I am looking to live in India atleast 2 months in a year. I need to manage commercial properties here as I cant rely that on agencies like in western countries.

 

 

 

 

Manipulated or not, she isnt getting what she wanted. She is not prepared to walk away from the marriage as of now. Moreover she has realised that I am ready for a separation. She isnt stupid. She knows me and if I am so firm on something there is nothing that could change my mind. Maybe she had some hope from my parents but that too didnt work. She knows her family isnt in a position to command anything.

 

If the sacrifice things comes up in couple of fights then I will have to let her go. Right now that is whats going on in my mind. Moreover she knows, the more she delays the separation the more difficult it would be for her to find another man.

 

So what if she "tricks" you into children ? she can say i use protection

[Hodor]

So what if she "tricks" you into children ? she can say i use protection

 

I am gonna observe her behaviour for a while and if everything is going good then I will have a vasectomy. Till then I m gonna use a protection.

[adna89]

I am gonna observe her behaviour for a while and if everything is going good then I will have a vasectomy. Till then I m gonna use a protection.

 

vasetcomy is fair,if i was your wife i would demand it....who can promise me that you at 40 wont find a younger woman and have kids with her and there i am with no kids because of you:lmao:

[mikeylo]

What makes you think that your sex life or even married life will be back to normal to what it was? Largest sex organ is the brain and women connect emotionally. Her emotions will not be the same again and it will spread all over. You can try. At this point she is agreeing to everything ( again ? Just like before you married and she agreed to no kids ) to stay married but worse issues will arise , I can guarantee you on that.

[BettyDraper]

Regret and love are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I have spoken to a few parents who would move mountains for their kids, but also said that if they could do over they might have decided not to have kids.

 

And yes, people are more likely to be brutally honest about such things anonymously on the internet, or at least when they are talking privately to people whom they are very close to. The reason is quite simple: people like you who will automatically judge them as 'insane' and 'unloving'. I am sure that the people who admitted the above to me are not going around advertising their thoughts to all and sundry.

 

You are actually doing a potential human being a HUGE disfavour by trying to convince the OP to have a child that he doesn't want. Stop it.

 

Redbaron's beliefs demonstrate the reason why parents feel like they can't be honest about disliking parenting at times.

 

I've known so many parents who tell me the real story parenthood. Some of them complain about the expense and toll on their marriages. Others tell me that I am "lucky" that I don't have kids or that I'm smart for being childfree.

 

No decision in life comes with absolutely no downsides and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

[BettyDraper]

vasetcomy is fair,if i was your wife i would demand it....who can promise me that you at 40 wont find a younger woman and have kids with her and there i am with no kids because of you:lmao:

 

Hodor can promise that because he. does. not. want. children.

 

Why is this so hard to understand?

 

That said, vasectomy is a smart choice for men who do not want children. My husband opted for that procedure when I was turned down for tubal ligation more than twice.

[BettyDraper]

I am gonna observe her behaviour for a while and if everything is going good then I will have a vasectomy. Till then I m gonna use a protection.

 

Make sure that there are no holes poked in your condoms. Run them under a flowing tap before use. I don't want to suggest that your wife is that devious but some women will stop at nothing to have children.

[Els]

 

That said, vasectomy is a smart choice for men who do not want children. My husband opted for that procedure when I was turned down for tubal ligation more than twice.

 

Getting a vasectomy as a young man in India is going to be very difficult, though. But if the OP is determined, I think he should do it, even if it means going to another country to get it done. Birth control is not foolproof.

[BettyDraper]

Getting a vasectomy as a young man in India is going to be very difficult, though. But if the OP is determined, I think he should do it, even if it means going to another country to get it done. Birth control is not foolproof.

 

You are absolutely right about every point in this post.

My husband had a vasectomy because hormonal birth control was making me ill and no doctor would give me a tubal ligation.

I'm glad he took that step for us.

Edited July 13, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Hodor]

I would like to thank each and everyone of you who took some efforts and made a post. Even negative replies helped a lot because lets face it life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Even though I dont know any of you guys who took my side, it still felt good knowing someone agrees with my thinking.

Life is starting to feel normal once again. These were tough couple of months or so. Until next fight I dont think there will be any problems, lol. But atleast I know that next time if this thing comes up there is only one way out.

[BettyDraper]

I would like to thank each and everyone of you who took some efforts and made a post. Even negative replies helped a lot because lets face it life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Even though I dont know any of you guys who took my side, it still felt good knowing someone agrees with my thinking.

Life is starting to feel normal once again. These were tough couple of months or so. Until next fight I dont think there will be any problems, lol. But atleast I know that next time if this thing comes up there is only one way out.

 

You're welcome. I'm glad that it helped to talk about your situation.

Childfree marriage is not the norm but it is becoming more common.

I hope that if your wife decides to stay with you, she will not place blame at your feet because she doesn't have any children.

[SoulCat]

Good luck Hodor.

 

You're most definitely not alone in your child-free stance.

[Cherryz]

Its sure a very bad thing to lie that you dont want kids then change your mind on it.

Or its just a change that happen now?

 

Eitherway you are married so its not about just what you want.

Her dreams matter too.

But its hard to make someone that want kids stop, and someone that dont want,want.

Thats why you should be really clear way before marriage and dont trick people.

 

I agree with someone that said work less and spent more time with her.

Maybe she wants a baby because she feels lonely. So she looking for a baby so she

have someone.

But it can also be that she really want kids now.

 

You need to find a middle way . Maybe set a goal to have kids after such and such time after you finished one of your realistic dreams.

Being married is not the place to be selfish or think your list is all that need to be happen.

 

Ps: You sound pretty much like you relay on what others say. You are a grown man now she is a grown women! Both need to figure it out together or get a therapist.

[SoulCat]

Its sure a very bad thing to lie that you dont want kids then change your mind on it.

Or its just a change that happen now?

 

Eitherway you are married so its not about just what you want.

Her dreams matter too.

But its hard to make someone that want kids stop, and someone that dont want,want.

Thats why you should be really clear way before marriage and dont trick people.

 

I agree with someone that said work less and spent more time with her.

Maybe she wants a baby because she feels lonely. So she looking for a baby so she

have someone.

But it can also be that she really want kids now.

 

You need to find a middle way . Maybe set a goal to have kids after such and such time after you finished one of your realistic dreams.

Being married is not the place to be selfish or think your list is all that need to be happen.

 

Ps: You sound pretty much like you relay on what others say. You are a grown man now she is a grown women! Both need to figure it out together or get a therapist.

 

 

Unfortunately, you are one of those people that just do not seem to understand that some of us absolutely, positively do not want children.

 

Not now, not in 5 or 10 years, not in this lifetime. Not ever.

No therapist in the land is going to change that stance, nor should they.

 

 

OP does not need to find a 'middle way'.

OP is not being selfish.

OP did not trick his wife.

 

Of course OP's wife's dreams matter. That's why divorce is a real, viable and entirely reasonable option here.

[Hodor]

It seems nearly everybody was right on this forum. When two people want entirely different things, it is never going to work out. Didn't even take two weeks to our next fight and then the topic started all over again.

 

My work life got completely ruined, and productivity went next to nil. We have decided to go separate ways. I think the marriage was cursed right from the moment she wanted a child.

[Els]

It seems nearly everybody was right on this forum. When two people want entirely different things, it is never going to work out. Didn't even take two weeks to our next fight and then the topic started all over again.

 

My work life got completely ruined, and productivity went next to nil. We have decided to go separate ways. I think the marriage was cursed right from the moment she wanted a child.

 

Well, to be honest, that's an inherent risk with getting married young - she didn't know what she wanted in life yet. The 20s are a period of tremendous growth, and you two just grew apart.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Are you able to maintain your family connections and job when you divorce?

[Hodor]

Well, to be honest, that's an inherent risk with getting married young - she didn't know what she wanted in life yet. The 20s are a period of tremendous growth, and you two just grew apart.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Are you able to maintain your family connections and job when you divorce?

 

Well, to be honest, that's an inherent risk with getting married young - she didn't know what she wanted in life yet. The 20s are a period of tremendous growth, and you two just grew apart.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Are you able to maintain your family connections and job when you divorce?

 

Alot of things happened in these 5-6 months. With stuff being said such as I have lost complete respect for you and events like her sister banging our door at 2.00AM, things escalated pretty quickly at certain instances.

 

Its unbelievable to see how a person changes once he/ she becomes hell-bent on what he/ she wants. We are going for out of court settlement because as per my lawyers it doesn't look very good for me.

 

My wife quit her job to show that she is jobless because had she been employed her alimony case would weaken. Even she is not living with her parents because she wants court to think that her parents wont accept her. I have no way to prove anything otherwise.

 

The current demand she has made would wipe out all my investments. I will go back to zero. Going to court will be much cheaper and she knows this and made the demand to show me that she is the boss.

 

As for my IT company, I am brining nothing to table. I don't know how long can my partners ignore this.

[mikeylo]

Duh ! After a 3 year marriage, she walks away with everything you have? Give her a taste of court. She is qualified and young.There is no case of abuse from you.She is fully capable of working her azz off.

[BettyDraper]

Alot of things happened in these 5-6 months. With stuff being said such as I have lost complete respect for you and events like her sister banging our door at 2.00AM, things escalated pretty quickly at certain instances.

 

Its unbelievable to see how a person changes once he/ she becomes hell-bent on what he/ she wants. We are going for out of court settlement because as per my lawyers it doesn't look very good for me.

 

My wife quit her job to show that she is jobless because had she been employed her alimony case would weaken. Even she is not living with her parents because she wants court to think that her parents wont accept her. I have no way to prove anything otherwise.

 

The current demand she has made would wipe out all my investments. I will go back to zero. Going to court will be much cheaper and she knows this and made the demand to show me that she is the boss.

 

As for my IT company, I am brining nothing to table. I don't know how long can my partners ignore this.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

It's obvious that your wife is being very vindictive because she's angry that you wouldn't change your mind about children. She's also ashamed of the social stigma of being a divorced woman.

 

I don't know anything about Indian divorce laws but can't you make a counteroffer? You can always rebuild your finances. People do it all the time. I would also recommend relocating to a different country where childfreedom has far less stigma and parents would not be so involved in courtship. I realize that would be a long term goal though.

[GunslingerRoland]

Thank you for coming back to update us, but I'm sorry it has taken a turn for the worse.

 

Do you have private investigators there? I know here they can helpful in divorce cases to prove that someone isn't in the situation they claim they are. (ie: if they get video of her spending time happily with her family it'll ruin the illusion that they've forsaken her. Get records from her employer that she is only jobless because she quit her job after you had separated, nothing to do with you.

 

Also I'm sure you have a lot to give at your work still... keep your focus, and give your all and your partners will surely understand.

 

You've been true to yourself and made the right decision, just finish it off now.

[bluefeather]

You hit a bump in the road, but I think you can still achieve your retirement goal. Good luck.

[Hodor]

Duh ! After a 3 year marriage, she walks away with everything you have? Give her a taste of court. She is qualified and young.There is no case of abuse from you.She is fully capable of working her azz off.

 

Court cases takes forever here. Had it been some straight settlement, it wouldnt take long. But her intentions are clearly to make it difficult for me. So she can easily drag things for long.

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

It's obvious that your wife is being very vindictive because she's angry that you wouldn't change your mind about children. She's also ashamed of the social stigma of being a divorced woman.

 

I don't know anything about Indian divorce laws but can't you make a counteroffer? You can always rebuild your finances. People do it all the time. I would also recommend relocating to a different country where childfreedom has far less stigma and parents would not be so involved in courtship. I realize that would be a long term goal though.

 

Yes hard negotiations will happen. My lawyer has advised to keep silence for now. He said let them get a feeling that we haven't even acknowledge their demands. They themselves will come to settle this matter and we start something with very rock bottom. I have worked out how we have spent her salary on running our home and we will begin with that.

 

Thank you for coming back to update us, but I'm sorry it has taken a turn for the worse.

 

Do you have private investigators there? I know here they can helpful in divorce cases to prove that someone isn't in the situation they claim they are. (ie: if they get video of her spending time happily with her family it'll ruin the illusion that they've forsaken her. Get records from her employer that she is only jobless because she quit her job after you had separated, nothing to do with you.

 

Also I'm sure you have a lot to give at your work still... keep your focus, and give your all and your partners will surely understand.

 

You've been true to yourself and made the right decision, just finish it off now.

 

Yes, there are PI's in India. But I cant see them adding any value here. Even if she is spending time at parents home, it no ways shows her parents has accepted her. She can argue that her parents let her in the house for sometime but is not supporting her financially and morally.

 

As for job, my lawyer spoke with her employer and if his statement will go on record, it will be that my attitude towards her made her quit the job as she became a liability at the office.

 

 

You hit a bump in the road, but I think you can still achieve your retirement goal. Good luck.

 

Well, thank you. I dont think it affect my ultimate goal. It can probably delay it though.