Wife wants kids...

[MJJean]

Would it be possible to move out of the country, establish residency in your new country, and then file for divorce in that country so their laws apply?

 

If not, are you able to completely separate your funds so that she has no access and is forced to go back to work?

[Hodor]

Would it be possible to move out of the country, establish residency in your new country, and then file for divorce in that country so their laws apply?

 

If not, are you able to completely separate your funds so that she has no access and is forced to go back to work?

 

Option #1: Very difficult to establish residency anywhere for us Indians. I think easiest and fastest option is Entrepreneur visa uk for GBP 200k. I have to get that kind of money in liquid and then apply. Not really worth going that route.

 

Option #2: Yes. I can transfer my assets to a trustworthy person like my mom or dad. Keep minimal in my name and get away with most of the alimony payment. But my mom is very emotional and who knows where that can end up. As for my dad, I don't even know if he would agree to such a thing.

[PinkElephants]

Court cases takes forever here. Had it been some straight settlement, it wouldnt take long. But her intentions are clearly to make it difficult for me. So she can easily drag things for long.

 

Is she trying to make it difficult so you'll decide it's too much trouble to divorce and stay married to her?

[elaine567]

Option #2: Yes. I can transfer my assets to a trustworthy person like my mom or dad. Keep minimal in my name and get away with most of the alimony payment. But my mom is very emotional and who knows where that can end up. As for my dad, I don't even know if he would agree to such a thing.

 

I don't think your Mom and Dad are really on your side concerning your feelings towards children and you are in effect denying them grandchildren.

 

Involving your parents in a scheme that would cheat their daughter in law out of her rights too, is probably a step too far. I know family honour is important in India, how would that look to the wider community? Their son divorcing a woman as he doesn't want kids and then he dodges his responsibilities too.

You are probably not exactly Mr Popular as far as they are concerned at the moment.

[elaine567]

Is she trying to make it difficult so you'll decide it's too much trouble to divorce and stay married to her?

She may think you will eventually change your mind about children if she sticks in there long enough.

[Hodor]

Is she trying to make it difficult so you'll decide it's too much trouble to divorce and stay married to her?

 

Nopes. She doesn't want to live with me anymore. She has gone into the revenge mode. She knows the more she is able to drag it the more desperate I will become to settle it.

 

She also knows how much I have saved up and she wants most/ all of it. The way she sees it, I have ruined her life and the least I could do is compensate her for the lost 3-4 years and social stigma of a divorced girl.

 

I even tried to reason with her and her lawyer that if she drags this then its her loss because she wont be able to get married unless the divorced is finalised. They were like we dont care.

 

Very difficult for me to think properly and I cant figure out if they are bluffing or not.

[elaine567]

I even tried to reason with her and her lawyer that if she drags this then its her loss because she wont be able to get married unless the divorced is finalised. They were like we dont care.

 

Marriage was not exactly a happy experience for her was it? I doubt she will be in any hurry to get herself married again.

[Hodor]

I don't think your Mom and Dad are really on your side concerning your feelings towards children and you are in effect denying them grandchildren.

 

Involving your parents in a scheme that would cheat their daughter in law out of her rights too, is probably a step too far. I know family honour is important in India, how would that look to the wider community? Their son divorcing a woman as he doesn't want kids and then he dodges his responsibilities too.

You are probably not exactly Mr Popular as far as they are concerned at the moment.

 

Fact remains that I will come before their daughter in law for my parents. It was fine when she was still trying to mend things or situation didn't escalate so far, but now the case is completely different. She is a goner and there is no way we will ever be back.

 

My mom is extremely emotional and can be manipulated. As for my dad he is ultra strong but has his own principles. He would rather prefer fair settlement than doing all these transfer things. My dad believes that if I am old enough to get married then I am old enough to sort the problems out myself.

 

And yes you are right, they don't have much respect for me in this matter. In their eyes, its my fault.

 

She may think you will eventually change your mind about children if she sticks in there long enough.

 

Don't think so. Things have really gone out of hands.

 

Marriage was not exactly a happy experience for her was it? I doubt she will be in any hurry to get herself married again.

 

lol, no it definitely wasn't. But if she ultimately wants to get married again then she needs to act quickly. Age matters a lot here, specially for girls.

[beautifulinside2]

Fact remains that I will come before their daughter in law for my parents. It was fine when she was still trying to mend things or situation didn't escalate so far, but now the case is completely different. She is a goner and there is no way we will ever be back.

 

My mom is extremely emotional and can be manipulated. As for my dad he is ultra strong but has his own principles. He would rather prefer fair settlement than doing all these transfer things. My dad believes that if I am old enough to get married then I am old enough to sort the problems out myself.

 

And yes you are right, they don't have much respect for me in this matter. In their eyes, its my fault.

 

 

 

Don't think so. Things have really gone out of hands.

 

 

 

lol, no it definitely wasn't. But if she ultimately wants to get married again then she needs to act quickly. Age matters a lot here, specially for girls.

 

 

Your mom and dad seem like great people. It also appears they too would have liked a grandkid and may have encouraged her behavior. Did you think about that? Everything can be worked on, there is no such thing as point of no return. You admitted that prior to the baby situation, you two had a great relationship, that doesn't change overnight. Emotions may be high, stubbornness has set in, revenge is the new motive, but at the end of the day nothing is more strong then LOVE. Try it, calm down, think things through, assess if you really love your wife and arrange for a mediation. Maybe having a child is not such a bad trade off for happy wife, happy parents, and maybe at the end happy you.

[BettyDraper]

Your mom and dad seem like great people. It also appears they too would have liked a grandkid and may have encouraged her behavior. Did you think about that? Everything can be worked on, there is no such thing as point of no return. You admitted that prior to the baby situation, you two had a great relationship, that doesn't change overnight. Emotions may be high, stubbornness has set in, revenge is the new motive, but at the end of the day nothing is more strong then LOVE. Try it, calm down, think things through, assess if you really love your wife and arrange for a mediation. Maybe having a child is not such a bad trade off for happy wife, happy parents, and maybe at the end happy you.

 

The OP knows that he doesn't want children. He isn't obligated to change his mind to suit others. Parenthood is a serious and permanent decision which shouldn't be made purely based on pressure from family.

 

There is no compromise between having a child and a not having one. It's foolish and completely unfair to bring an unwanted child into the world. Why is his wife's wishes more important than his? In the end, she would be better off finding a man who wants children.

[bluefeather]

Maybe having a child is not such a bad trade off...

 

Can't believe you just said that.

[Ruby Slippers]

What a mess. For what it's worth, I don't think you've done anything wrong here. You were clear and honest about not having kids upfront. She changed her mind and is now attempting to punish you for it.

 

Assuming this moves forward and you divorce and remarry, I suggest drawing up a legal contract with your next wife, with both of you signing to the effect that you won't ever have kids. That or you could get a vasectomy, then let potential partners know children aren't an option. Anything less than one of these options, and it's very possible the next woman will think she can change your mind, too.

[beautifulinside2]

The OP knows that he doesn't want children. He isn't obligated to change his mind to suit others. Parenthood is a serious and permanent decision which shouldn't be made purely based on pressure from family.

 

There is no compromise between having a child and a not having one. It's foolish and completely unfair to bring an unwanted child into the world. Why is his wife's wishes more important than his? In the end, she would be better off finding a man who wants children.

 

Why because it's God, Wife, then self in that order. We have conditioned ourselves to believe that being selfish is okay that we should be able to have everything we want in life while the truth is it's not ok and we can't ever have everything we want in life. We should try to make marriages work.

[BettyDraper]

Why because it's God, Wife, then self in that order. We have conditioned ourselves to believe that being selfish is okay that we should be able to have everything we want in life while the truth is it's not ok and we can't ever have everything we want in life. We should try to make marriages work.

 

Not everyone is religious so your argument doesn't make any sense.

 

It's selfish to force someone to make an unwanted life altering decision. Just as the OP should not be coerced into fatherhood, his wife should not have to give up her dream of being a mother. That is why divorce is the best option in this case.

 

You do not have the authority to decide how others should conduct their marriages. We all have the freedom to choose what paths we want to take even if others do not agree.

[Springsummer]

But but.......I don't understand what is so wrong with having kids? why OP doesn't want them? some people are dying to want to have kids.

[BettyDraper]

But but.......I don't understand what is so wrong with having kids? why OP doesn't want them? some people are dying to want to have kids.

 

I'm not sure if this is sarcasm. If not, there's nothing wrong with wanting kids. In fact, reproduction is a biological imperative and a societal norm.

 

However, many people are not called to parenthood and their decision should be respected. I am childfree and I get so tired of the pressure to have kids as well as the snide remarks.

[Springsummer]

However, many people are not called to parenthood and their decision should be respected. I am childfree and I get so tired of the pressure to have kids as well as the snide remarks.

 

I think I want kids, but for various reasons, I don't think I am going to have any. So, it's a relief for me to know there are people out there who don't want, so it makes me feel less left out.

 

Just curious exactly what are their reasons? that may help me that way. thanks.

[BettyDraper]

I think I want kids, but for various reasons, I don't think I am going to have any. So, it's a relief for me to know there are people out there who don't want, so it makes me feel less left out.

 

Just curious exactly what are their reasons? that may help me that way. thanks.

 

I can only speak for myself.

 

My mother made it very clear that having children ruined her life. I often heard about all the money/freedom/education etc she would have if she wasn't a mother. She also took out her anger on her children by being physically and emotionally abusive. After a childhood like that, I am not interested in being tied down with children.

 

When a couple has a child, it is often the women who are stuck with most of the child rearing responsibilities. This is based on what I have been told by friends and family members who have children as well as my observations. Fathers today do more than their predecessors but it's still far less than what mothers are tasked with. It's bad enough that women have to go through pregnancy and childbirth but we are the ones who are tied down with kids after they arrive. That would be hell for me.

 

I know that pregnancy and childbirth are natural processes which are necessary for the continuation of the species. I just find them far too invasive and disgusting for my taste. I can't imagine a baby growing in my uterus and moving around. I also do not want the humiliation of pregnancy exams and childbirth. Since I grew up being abused and I've been through sexual trauma, being in control of what happens to my body is very important to me. I'm just not comfortable with how vulnerable pregnancy and birth makes a woman.

 

I have plenty of experience with children. I was a nanny when I was a young student and I've also worked with kids who have mental and emotional disabilities. I'm so glad that I was employed in those fields because those jobs showed me that I am not suited for parenting. When I hear a baby crying, I want to run away from him or her. I've taken care of colicky infants and found myself weeping after the umpteenth hour of wailing. Kids need constant supervision and I can surely think of better ways to spend my time. It's ironic that I'm actually very good with children; people who know that I'm childfree always say that they don't understand why I don't want kids when I'm so good with them.

 

It's been proven that marital satisfaction takes a nosedive when a baby is born and it's not hard to see why. Parents have far less time to spend as a couple because of their children. I love the way my husband and I can just focus on each other instead of having our romantic time interrupted by children. We have more disposable income to enjoy dates and vacations because we don't have to spend it on diapers, toys, kids clothes, extracurricular activities etc. It's also very common for babies and young children to put a huge damper on a couple's sex life; when I read threads this forum I see that a satisfying marital sex life is a gift which is becoming increasingly rare.

 

Most people condemn me for being childfree or they make condescending assumptions. "You'll change your mind!" "You might have an oops!" I love the looks and silence that come after I tell these fools that my husband has had a vasectomy.

 

I've had many of my parents tell me that choosing not to have children is a smart decision. They say that they love their kids but hate being parents. One friend admits that she is envious of my marriage because we have so much free time for each other and money to go out. I've taken a step back from another mommy friend because she kept making jealous comments about what I could do because I don't have kids. I'm talking about insignificant things like manicures, facials, getting my hair done and new clothes. The funny thing is my husband and I aren't even wealthy but some of my mommy friends talk like we're rich only because of the small indulgences I mentioned!

[Springsummer]

I can only speak for myself.

 

My mother made it very clear that having children ruined her life. I often heard about all the money/freedom/education etc she would have if she wasn't a mother. She also took out her anger on her children by being physically and emotionally abusive. After a childhood like that, I am not interested in being tied down with children.

 

When a couple has a child, it is often the women who are stuck with most of the child rearing responsibilities. This is based on what I have been told by friends and family members who have children as well as my observations. Fathers today do more than their predecessors but it's still far less than what mothers are tasked with. It's bad enough that women have to go through pregnancy and childbirth but we are the ones who are tied down with kids after they arrive. That would be hell for me.

 

I know that pregnancy and childbirth are natural processes which are necessary for the continuation of the species. I just find them far too invasive and disgusting for my taste. I can't imagine a baby growing in my uterus and moving around. I also do not want the humiliation of pregnancy exams and childbirth. Since I grew up being abused and I've been through sexual trauma, being in control of what happens to my body is very important to me. I'm just not comfortable with how vulnerable pregnancy and birth makes a woman.

 

I have plenty of experience with children. I was a nanny when I was a young student and I've also worked with kids who have mental and emotional disabilities. I'm so glad that I was employed in those fields because those jobs showed me that I am not suited for parenting. When I hear a baby crying, I want to run away from him or her. I've taken care of colicky infants and found myself weeping after the umpteenth hour of wailing. Kids need constant supervision and I can surely think of better ways to spend my time. It's ironic that I'm actually very good with children; people who know that I'm childfree always say that they don't understand why I don't want kids when I'm so good with them.

 

It's been proven that marital satisfaction takes a nosedive when a baby is born and it's not hard to see why. Parents have far less time to spend as a couple because of their children. I love the way my husband and I can just focus on each other instead of having our romantic time interrupted by children. We have more disposable income to enjoy dates and vacations because we don't have to spend it on diapers, toys, kids clothes, extracurricular activities etc. It's also very common for babies and young children to put a huge damper on a couple's sex life; when I read threads this forum I see that a satisfying marital sex life is a gift which is becoming increasingly rare.

 

Most people condemn me for being childfree or they make condescending assumptions. "You'll change your mind!" "You might have an oops!" I love the looks and silence that come after I tell these fools that my husband has had a vasectomy.

 

I've had many of my parents tell me that choosing not to have children is a smart decision. They say that they love their kids but hate being parents. One friend admits that she is envious of my marriage because we have so much free time for each other and money to go out. I've taken a step back from another mommy friend because she kept making jealous comments about what I could do because I don't have kids. I'm talking about insignificant things like manicures, facials, getting my hair done and new clothes. The funny thing is my husband and I aren't even wealthy but some of my mommy friends talk like we're rich only because of the small indulgences I mentioned!

 

thank you so much for giving me so much to think about. there are all valid reasons. but I am sure there are good reasons to have kids too.

 

I guess like everything else, there are burdens for blessing, risks and rewards. sometimes, it's worth it and some times it is not.

 

I guess I should just feel peace with what happens to me. Everything could be blessing in disguise. I may just save another being from suffering, life is tough you know. Life could be heaven or could be hell.

 

I am kind of thinking about freezing eggs...now, I am thinking just let it go...I am not afraid of troubles and sacrifice...what really frightens me is kids may not born healthy mentally and physically. I think I was born quite fine, still I find life is quite difficult; life could run you down to the ground. so I can't imagine kids who have issues how to survive.

[Hodor]

I can only speak for myself.

 

My mother made it very clear that having children ruined her life. I often heard about all the money/freedom/education etc she would have if she wasn't a mother. She also took out her anger on her children by being physically and emotionally abusive. After a childhood like that, I am not interested in being tied down with children.

 

When a couple has a child, it is often the women who are stuck with most of the child rearing responsibilities. This is based on what I have been told by friends and family members who have children as well as my observations. Fathers today do more than their predecessors but it's still far less than what mothers are tasked with. It's bad enough that women have to go through pregnancy and childbirth but we are the ones who are tied down with kids after they arrive. That would be hell for me.

 

I know that pregnancy and childbirth are natural processes which are necessary for the continuation of the species. I just find them far too invasive and disgusting for my taste. I can't imagine a baby growing in my uterus and moving around. I also do not want the humiliation of pregnancy exams and childbirth. Since I grew up being abused and I've been through sexual trauma, being in control of what happens to my body is very important to me. I'm just not comfortable with how vulnerable pregnancy and birth makes a woman.

 

I have plenty of experience with children. I was a nanny when I was a young student and I've also worked with kids who have mental and emotional disabilities. I'm so glad that I was employed in those fields because those jobs showed me that I am not suited for parenting. When I hear a baby crying, I want to run away from him or her. I've taken care of colicky infants and found myself weeping after the umpteenth hour of wailing. Kids need constant supervision and I can surely think of better ways to spend my time. It's ironic that I'm actually very good with children; people who know that I'm childfree always say that they don't understand why I don't want kids when I'm so good with them.

 

It's been proven that marital satisfaction takes a nosedive when a baby is born and it's not hard to see why. Parents have far less time to spend as a couple because of their children. I love the way my husband and I can just focus on each other instead of having our romantic time interrupted by children. We have more disposable income to enjoy dates and vacations because we don't have to spend it on diapers, toys, kids clothes, extracurricular activities etc. It's also very common for babies and young children to put a huge damper on a couple's sex life; when I read threads this forum I see that a satisfying marital sex life is a gift which is becoming increasingly rare.

 

Most people condemn me for being childfree or they make condescending assumptions. "You'll change your mind!" "You might have an oops!" I love the looks and silence that come after I tell these fools that my husband has had a vasectomy.

 

I've had many of my parents tell me that choosing not to have children is a smart decision. They say that they love their kids but hate being parents. One friend admits that she is envious of my marriage because we have so much free time for each other and money to go out. I've taken a step back from another mommy friend because she kept making jealous comments about what I could do because I don't have kids. I'm talking about insignificant things like manicures, facials, getting my hair done and new clothes. The funny thing is my husband and I aren't even wealthy but some of my mommy friends talk like we're rich only because of the small indulgences I mentioned!

 

Sad story Betty. Its impossible for me to imagine myself in your position. I dont know how my childhood would have been if my mom or dad said such a thing. You must be a really strong person.

 

Many people have kids purely due to society pressure. At least where I live. You hear cases where grandfather is in his final years and his last wish is that his grandson has a child. So even if the couple isn't ready they have to conceive otherwise they will be looked down upon by the family. I mean how fair is this to the kid?

 

Then you hear other stories where a couple doesn't let society interfere in their affairs and do as they please. This pisses people off the most and they cant stop talking behind your back. On one had you feel people are getting modern and sensible but on other you feel things are same if not worse.

 

To answer Springsummer's question, I have already mentioned in one of my post as to why I don't want to have kids. To sum it up, I want to retire very early and live in a foreign location. I dont want to get tied up with raising a kid. Apart from the financial and time commitment, I dont like kids.

[Whodatdog]

Wow. I just read this entire thread. What a mess. I think the OP is really getting the wrong end of the stick here. Instead of amicably parting ways, since his wife changed her mind, she wants to totally ruin him. What exactly did he do wrong? Nothing that I can see. His wife thinks she has the upper hand now, I think the OP has his own bargaining chip. She wants to have a baby. In order to have a baby, she has to get married. She can't get married as long as she's married to the OP, even if she doesnt live with him.

 

OP, dont sign any divorce papers. Drag this out until they get reasonable. She needs this divorce more than you do. She's playing dirty with quitting her job and lying about her parents. Fight fire with fire.

[Whodatdog]

And, FWIW, most of my friends dont have kids. By choice. But it was a decision both partners made, and they stuck with it. I have seen far more people not having kids by choice, and very happy with their decisions.

[BettyDraper]

Sad story Betty. Its impossible for me to imagine myself in your position. I dont know how my childhood would have been if my mom or dad said such a thing. You must be a really strong person.

 

Many people have kids purely due to society pressure. At least where I live. You hear cases where grandfather is in his final years and his last wish is that his grandson has a child. So even if the couple isn't ready they have to conceive otherwise they will be looked down upon by the family. I mean how fair is this to the kid?

 

Then you hear other stories where a couple doesn't let society interfere in their affairs and do as they please. This pisses people off the most and they cant stop talking behind your back. On one had you feel people are getting modern and sensible but on other you feel things are same if not worse.

 

To answer Springsummer's question, I have already mentioned in one of my post as to why I don't want to have kids. To sum it up, I want to retire very early and live in a foreign location. I dont want to get tied up with raising a kid. Apart from the financial and time commitment, I dont like kids.

 

Thanks for your kind words. My childhood made me a woman who doesn't tolerate foolishness from anyone.

 

Peer pressure doesn't end when people are in their teens. Adults experience peer pressure to marry and have children. When couples allow others to make such huge decisions for them, it leads to poor choices and regrets down the road. You live in a culture where families have much influence in their adult children's lives. This is why your wife thought that involving both sets of parents would change your mind. I don't condone her behavior but I understand why your wife made those mistakes. Since you can't stop people from gossiping about you, it's best to adopt an indifferent attitude towards them. I know this is easier said than done but it's what I had to do in order to live the life I wanted.