Wife wants kids...

[GunslingerRoland]

It still concerns me though that the only reason you've mentioned for not wanting to have kids is that it doesn't match up with your plans from before you even knew your wife.

 

On the flip side it concerns me that the only reason your wife seems to want kids is seeing other people have them.

 

You need to sit down with your wife and talk about the lives you want to lead and why. Then build your plan around that.

 

And like Elaine said, if you are only 27, you'll probably have peers with young kids for another decade or two at least.

[Hodor]

It still concerns me though that the only reason you've mentioned for not wanting to have kids is that it doesn't match up with your plans from before you even knew your wife.

 

On the flip side it concerns me that the only reason your wife seems to want kids is seeing other people have them.

 

You need to sit down with your wife and talk about the lives you want to lead and why. Then build your plan around that.

 

And like Elaine said, if you are only 27, you'll probably have peers with young kids for another decade or two at least.

 

Like when I said we met several times before marriage and discussed, it wasnt casual chats. It was extremely serious life goal talks.

 

Whatever money I am earning right now is going in investments. Shares, mutual funds, commercial properties and so on. Whatever she is earning we are using it to run our home. So she has been 100% invested in my dream which became her dream as well. Had she objectified it then she wouldn't have blindly trusted my investment decisions. The more financial help I get from her the better fixed income sources I am able to create. Its as simple as that. This wasnt my decision. This was our decision. Her being a chartered accountant, she understands value of money better than me.

 

I was extremely clear in my mind from the start that I want to marry a girl who doesnt want kids as well. I could never see myself being a father. I cant imagine living your whole life or best part of it for someone else. I know I sound very selfish but I feel its best to be truthful to yourself than do something what others tell you its right.

 

As for her waiting the child, I myself havent been able to figure out the real reason for sudden urge. Its my best assumption that its the society's pressure. Like said above, all women have a drive to have a baby. It just kicks in at a certain point.

[elaine567]

Like said above, all women have a drive to have a baby. It just kicks in at a certain point.

 

I don't think ALL women have the drive to have a baby, but those that do, tend to get pretty much fired up about having one. YOUR wife with all the arguments and fights you have been having about this recently, is I guess very serious about having kids. She is late twenties, she needs to start pretty soon and she knows that, the clock is ticking.

[GunslingerRoland]

Like when I said we met several times before marriage and discussed, it wasnt casual chats. It was extremely serious life goal talks.

 

Whatever money I am earning right now is going in investments. Shares, mutual funds, commercial properties and so on. Whatever she is earning we are using it to run our home. So she has been 100% invested in my dream which became her dream as well. Had she objectified it then she wouldn't have blindly trusted my investment decisions. The more financial help I get from her the better fixed income sources I am able to create. Its as simple as that. This wasnt my decision. This was our decision. Her being a chartered accountant, she understands value of money better than me.

 

I was extremely clear in my mind from the start that I want to marry a girl who doesnt want kids as well. I could never see myself being a father. I cant imagine living your whole life or best part of it for someone else. I know I sound very selfish but I feel its best to be truthful to yourself than do something what others tell you its right.

 

As for her waiting the child, I myself havent been able to figure out the real reason for sudden urge. Its my best assumption that its the society's pressure. Like said above, all women have a drive to have a baby. It just kicks in at a certain point.

 

 

It's actually good to hear you say that you always knew you didn't want to be a father... if that is really the case than you should stick to that.

 

Personally I'm biased against arranged marriages, I don't really believe in them. And I don't consider having several conversations equivalent to spend a year or more really getting to know someone. A lot of people tell the other person what they want to hear when they first meet in a dating situation and especially in an arranged marriage she may not have been given the option to tell you things that you didn't want to hear.

[Hodor]

I don't think ALL women have the drive to have a baby, but those that do, tend to get pretty much fired up about having one. YOUR wife with all the arguments and fights you have been having about this recently, is I guess very serious about having kids. She is late twenties, she needs to start pretty soon and she knows that, the clock is ticking.

 

You said most, which I clearly missed. So my bad. Thanks for correcting. Yes she knows her clock is ticking. We had a couple over for Dinner and they have been trying for more than 3 years. Now they are finally going for IVF. I was surprised how open they were about this. They couldnt stop talking about it. I always thought something like this is kept extremely secret. The girl said that after 30 it becomes difficult for a women to get pregnant, even wth IVF. Plus I dont know what literature my wife is reading. I see so many women magazines around the house.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was extremely clear in my mind from the start that I want to marry a girl who doesnt want kids as well.

 

Than you shouldn't have married a 24-year old. The vast majority of them, men and women, don't really know what they want. And the reality is that just as you attempted premaritally to negotiate yourself into your desired position - so did she.

 

I cant imagine living your whole life or best part of it for someone else.

 

Doesn't "someone else" include your wife ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

It's actually good to hear you say that you always knew you didn't want to be a father... if that is really the case than you should stick to that.

 

As I said in my earlier posts - as someone that doesn't want kids. I say stick to your guns. Unwanted children?! The world has PLENTY of those already.

 

As for her change of heart - I wonder if she was ever really that committed to the "no kids" thing, and just found it easier to agree upon in the excitement of setting up this arranged marriage.

 

I have never wanted kids, and have always been very upfront about this. I have dated a guy who has said "oh yeah, I don't want kids either!" but the truth was he wasn't so sure, and why not give in to the excitement of dating someone over something you aren't positive about. Well he changed his mind, and hoped I would as well. NOPE.

 

Having kids is not a free pass to happiness. Having kids doesn't mean you will never be lonely, and these are SELFISH reasons to have children!!

 

In my mind you should only have children if you have a deep desire to PARENT. If for some reason you want nothing more than to lead a little innocent child into this world, and dedicate yourself fully to the CHILD'S well-being and interest.

 

Not because you do not want to be lonely when you are old

 

OP - I still think you did made the right steps. You were up front. You were clear with your plan. If anything, being as this was an arranged marriage, and not a marriage based on romantic love - sticking to that plan should be part of the deal.

 

Personally - I think you should part ways. I do not think you should be forced into fatherhood to appease your wife who "changed her mind". I also think if you care for her, and want her to be happy in her life - that she should be set free to pursue a man who DOES want to be a father.

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally - I think you should part ways. I do not think you should be forced into fatherhood to appease your wife who "changed her mind". I also think if you care for her, and want her to be happy in her life - that she should be set free to pursue a man who DOES want to be a father.

 

When all is said and done, there are only 3 options:

 

1). You change your position.

2). She changes hers.

3). You part ways.

 

Hodor, pretty personal and significant choice, life-altering in many ways. You seem motivated to talk to family members - I'd ignore their advice.

 

Not a decision someone else should make for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orion39]

I think it honorable that you went into this marriage letting her know of your desire not to have kids and retire by 40. Kudos to you if you've figured out the secret to make that happen! Have you considered asking your wife if she would be willing to be a foster parent? There would be some financial support from the state and the children you have would not be in your care forever. Not that I am advocating for you to simply throw away the kids if you do not want them anymore, just be able to have the experience of children while they are there and then choose if you want to have another foster child/children stay with you once more.

 

A more non-invasive way your wife could be influential in the lives of children is to connect with a church and she could serve in the Children's department or volunteer at a Big Brothers Big Sisters program and become a Big. This way she is involved with it and you do not have to be. Maybe this would help her to get her kid fix.

 

If that is not an option, someone is going to have to move on the front of if you have your own children or not. Issue now is can she be happy without children or can you be happy with children.

[VeveCakes]

Do not have children if you don't want them.

 

Do not listen to posters here who think you might "change your mind" or "regret" your choice. As a woman who does not want children, I hear this stuff constantly.

 

I would love to be child free and retire at 40. Your wife and you are no longer compatible. Decisions have to be made.

 

I suggest watching the Longest Ride for perspective.

[sandylee1]

There is no half way ground here. You can't have a bit of a child and nobody should have a child if they don't want to. Whilst this was discussed pre marriage, people can and do change their minds.

 

The same as agreeing to have kids and then changing your mind which a lot of men seem to do, she has changed hers and the only sound advice to both get what you want is to part ways even though you don't want to.

 

Don't ever agree to have a child if it's not your desire.....here's why There's a woman whose husband agreed they should try for a baby and they've been together for 14 years. When she fell pregnant he freaked out and told her to terminate it, as he didn't want to be a father and it would ruin their life.

 

You see he agreed thinking at 39 she wouldn't conceive, but she did just 2 months after trying.

 

He started shoving the scan pictures in the drawer and refused to attend appointments with her. Now with just weeks before the birth, she's had to tell him to leave the house, as she is likely going to be a single parent.

 

There will only be resentment if you stay married either from you or from her, depending on whether you have a child or not.

[privategal]

My husband and I never wanted kids, early forties and never regretted it.

We love the freedom. Children are forever and raising then can be hard even if rewarding.

This is a deal breaker.

You both deserve happiness and I dont think its negotiable and I dont think you are being unreasonable by sticking to your resolve. Its unfair.

I say divorce amicably.

[xxoo]

Be absolutely clear with her that it will NEVER happen with you. She needs to understand this clearly so that she can make a decision for herself. No kicking the problem down the road for good times today....be blunt and firm.

[Lois_Griffin]

Vasectomy is a very big step. I haven't even researched about it.

Well that's odd, since it's YOUR goal not to ever have kids. What do you mean, it's a big step? You're willing to work your tail off to meet your goal of 'retired at 40,' yet when it comes to making sure kids don't happen, you're willing to throw that responsibility onto someone else's shoulders. I'd be willing to bet a good amount of money that contraception has pretty much been ALL your wife's responsibility - either in the form of an IUD or pills or shots or some other hormonal method that risks HER health.

 

You contradict yourself. You claim you absolutely don't want kids, yet you completely discount getting a vasectomy with some feeble excuse about "I haven't researched it...."

 

THAT clearly makes the statement that you're NOT willing to make it a permanent decision. You want to talk the talk but you AREN'T willing to walk the walk.

 

Men who don't want kids make sure it doesn't happen.

 

That was also my son's goal - not to have kids - but he had the fortitude to DO something about it and not just squawk about it. So at 25, he put his money where his MOUTH is and got the vasectomy to insure that having children wouldn't happen. What he DIDN'T do is put the responsibility for meeting HIS goal onto someone else's shoulders.

 

And I think the whole reason you won't get the vasectomy is because you're NOT 100% sure about how you'll feel about having kids in the next 10 or 15 years. So while you have no problem robbing your wife of HER childbearing years, you yourself have chosen to stay stay intact should you change YOUR mind 10 or 15 years from now.

 

Talk about hypocritical. Jesus.

[Lois_Griffin]

Be absolutely clear with her that it will NEVER happen with you.

LOL

 

If that were the case, he would have had a vasectomy.

[whatcanitellyou]

Do not have a vasectomy without telling her. That is a horrible thing to do, and it will make you a huge selfish pos.

 

Marriage isn't about you and your wants solely, it's about balancing both of your needs and wants.

 

Clearly there is no balance here, you either have children or you don't.

 

You guys shouldn't even be arguing over this, it's just that both of you want the marriage on your terms.

 

Stop it. Sit your wife down and calmly tell her that you don't want kids and maybe you should part ways so you can both find someone who wants what you want.

 

She is young and can still have them. This is something men don't fully understand. .... you could get into your 40's and change your mind and still have them with someone younger, but once your wife's window is closed that's it for her.

 

Don't waste her good childbearing years if it's important to her and you don't want them. It's s lousy, selfish thing to do.

 

Absolutely do not have children if you don't want them, but can't have your marriage solely on your terms. You guys need to part ways.

[whatcanitellyou]

Well that's odd, since it's YOUR goal not to ever have kids. What do you mean, it's a big step? You're willing to work your tail off to meet your goal of 'retired at 40,' yet when it comes to making sure kids don't happen, you're willing to throw that responsibility onto someone else's shoulders. I'd be willing to bet a good amount of money that contraception has pretty much been ALL your wife's responsibility - either in the form of an IUD or pills or shots or some other hormonal method that risks HER health.

 

You contradict yourself. You claim you absolutely don't want kids, yet you completely discount getting a vasectomy with some feeble excuse about "I haven't researched it...."

 

THAT clearly makes the statement that you're NOT willing to make it a permanent decision. You want to talk the talk but you AREN'T willing to walk the walk.

 

Men who don't want kids make sure it doesn't happen.

 

That was also my son's goal - not to have kids - but he had the fortitude to DO something about it and not just squawk about it. So at 25, he put his money where his MOUTH is and got the vasectomy to insure that having children wouldn't happen. What he DIDN'T do is put the responsibility for meeting HIS goal onto someone else's shoulders.

 

And I think the whole reason you won't get the vasectomy is because you're NOT 100% sure about how you'll feel about having kids in the next 10 or 15 years. So while you have no problem robbing your wife of HER childbearing years, you yourself have chosen to stay stay intact should you change YOUR mind 10 or 15 years from now.

 

Talk about hypocritical. Jesus.

 

This x1000. If you're not a hypocrite, schedule a vasectomy and tell your wife you're doing it.

 

Then she can make her own informed decision.

 

I get the feeling you're quite self centered. Not entirely unusual for a 20 something but you're wasting your wife's time. People can and do change.

 

That's a lesson you should learn now.

[Hodor]

Well that's odd, since it's YOUR goal not to ever have kids. What do you mean, it's a big step? You're willing to work your tail off to meet your goal of 'retired at 40,' yet when it comes to making sure kids don't happen, you're willing to throw that responsibility onto someone else's shoulders. I'd be willing to bet a good amount of money that contraception has pretty much been ALL your wife's responsibility - either in the form of an IUD or pills or shots or some other hormonal method that risks HER health.

 

You contradict yourself. You claim you absolutely don't want kids, yet you completely discount getting a vasectomy with some feeble excuse about "I haven't researched it...."

 

THAT clearly makes the statement that you're NOT willing to make it a permanent decision. You want to talk the talk but you AREN'T willing to walk the walk.

 

Men who don't want kids make sure it doesn't happen.

 

That was also my son's goal - not to have kids - but he had the fortitude to DO something about it and not just squawk about it. So at 25, he put his money where his MOUTH is and got the vasectomy to insure that having children wouldn't happen. What he DIDN'T do is put the responsibility for meeting HIS goal onto someone else's shoulders.

 

And I think the whole reason you won't get the vasectomy is because you're NOT 100% sure about how you'll feel about having kids in the next 10 or 15 years. So while you have no problem robbing your wife of HER childbearing years, you yourself have chosen to stay stay intact should you change YOUR mind 10 or 15 years from now.

 

Talk about hypocritical. Jesus.

 

Wow, you are so quick to judge me. I think you may have figured out I am not from west. The arranged marriage thing is a pretty big giveaway. I am from India. Here vasectomy is extremely rare. We dont even talk about it. The doctors dont talk about it. When we go to our family doctor and tell them we dont want to have a baby they give pills to women. This is how it is here. I am not giving an excuse, just telling you our culture. This is the reason why I never looked into it. I never said I am not going to have it. I just said its a big step based on my limited knowledge on this subject.

 

Moreover I know my mind will never change on this. Not tomorrow not 100 years later. I am 100% certain on this and no way I am being a hypocrite.

[RecentChange]

Start reading up on vasectomies. Simple procedure. The vas deferens are tied off so there is no sperm in your ejactulate.

 

In the us, where many medical procedures are expense, vasectomies are cheap. It can be performed in an office, a local anesthetic is used, two snips, and 30 mins later you are on your way.

[Arieswoman]

Hodor,

I'm sorry but you aren't both on the same page.

 

Before I married my first husband I told him straight I didn't want kids. I said that I was a career woman and if he didn't want that he should speak up. He didn't and we got married.

 

7 years later he was cheating on me and one reason he gave was " you denied me children" - duhhhh?

 

So it seems he changed his mind and didn't tell me. If I had known that this has become an issue for him, then we could have discussed it and (hopefully) parted amicably.

 

Please don't emulate my stupid, inarticulate exH. Speak up now, tell her the truth and let her go to someone who wants what she wants.

 

And for crying out loud make sure she doesn't get pregnant in the meantime or you'll be paying for a child you didn't want for 18 years

 

I'm sorry x

[sandylee1]

OP

 

This isn't about what your parents or siblings think, it's about you and your wife. It's rare in your culture not to have children, so you'll struggle to get people who agree with you. Most mothers want children to be honest.

 

It's your life. You can decide not to have kids. You should stop trying to persuade your wife not to have kids and let her go and find a man who wants kids.

 

Sometimes life doesn't work out how we plan. People vow to be faithful forever, until they aren't. This isn't a betrayal situation, but it's so big an issue to feel differently about within a marriage.

 

You'll only be happy if she doesn't have kids with you.

She won't be happy if she doesn't have kids.

 

Some issues cannot be solved in a way that the two spouses are both happy within the marriage. You need to accept that and grieve the of your marriage.

[noelle303]

I'm very sorry, but I just don't see that this is a situation which can be dealt with and solved.

 

You are 100% certain that you don't want kids and you are perfectly entitled to that decision, I find it equally valid as a decision to have kids.

 

Your wife wants kids.

 

There is no in-between area.

 

I think you should stop thinking about her motivation to have kids and hoping that it will pass. Just like she shouldn't wait around for you to change your mind. Because that way you are both wasting your time and building resentment towards each other.

 

You two are still young, there is plenty of time for both of you to find partners with whom you can live the kind od lives you want.

[Tahirthegreat]

Secret vasectomy is the way to go. Well, that or divorce. My vote is for secret vasectomy though, if you can get away with it.

[elaine567]

Secret vasectomy is the way to go. Well, that or divorce. My vote is for secret vasectomy though, if you can get away with it.

 

YOU didn't read the thread, the OP is in India, vasectomy is not a viable option for him.

[Tahirthegreat]

YOU didn't read the thread, the OP is in India, vasectomy is not a viable option for him.

 

Well in that case, OP divorce or run and hide from her. No other way out of this one.