Wife wants kids...

[66Charger]

When your wife held the child, she realized the power of a woman. The power to give life. At that moment she saw a diferent reality. Your reality of making millions, retiring early and traveling the world, pales in comparison. You can wish all you want, but Its not going away.

 

To be honest, you should have expected this.

 

You can give her all the money in the world, but what you dont understand, is that your child is worth, all the money in the world.

[mikeylo]

I guess the problem is that most likely your wife agreed to the no kid before marriage is that she believed that once married , you will change your mind or will give in to the pressure by family and friends.

 

You really don't have much options. If you want to stay married to her , get vasectomy done but you might end up divorced anyway so it could be an op done unnecessarily.

[noelle303]

When your wife held the child, she realized the power of a woman. The power to give life. At that moment she saw a diferent reality. Your reality of making millions, retiring early and traveling the world, pales in comparison. You can wish all you want, but Its not going away.

 

To be honest, you should have expected this.

 

You can give her all the money in the world, but what you dont understand, is that your child is worth, all the money in the world.

 

I don't think it is about the money. It's about living the kind of life you want. They clearly have different views on their future and I don't think they can compromise on this one.

 

I am a single parent to one child. I adore her but she will forever be my only child. If I ever get married I don't want it to be to a guy who is going to just ''accept'' it. I want it to be to a guy who seriously does not want to have kids. I certainly don't want resentment to build up and come out in 15 years. This is not a situation which can be dealt with by compromise or acceptance. It needs to be what both parties want.

[Hodor]

Well the reason I want to involve our family members is not because I want their advice, but I want them to take my side and talk her out of it. But clearly thats not working. I have contacted her sister finally. Gonna meet her alone next weekend and lets see how that goes. At this point I am willing to try anything. Divorce is last step. This isn't something which I can push for long.

 

A big point to consider is that after divorce it gets very difficult to find someone. Specially here. Its sad to say that it will be even more difficult for her than me, but thats the truth. However Luck too matters a lot.

 

From the replies I have gathered here its interesting to see people are advocating that we should part ways. I am sure you all are talking from your experiences and it has opened my eyes to something which I thought was pretty mean thing to do.

 

Do you think meeting a marriage counselor would help? My friend made me talk to his friend who recently took marriage counselling. He told me that marriage counsellors are no wizards. Dont expect the meeting to go in your favour. It can end up doing more harm than good.

[VeveCakes]

Counselling will not work - she is one hundred percent for kids and you are against it.

 

Ask her if she will give up having children for you. If she says no, it's time to divorce. Sorry

[PrettyEmily77]

Well the reason I want to involve our family members is not because I want their advice, but I want them to take my side and talk her out of it. But clearly thats not working. I have contacted her sister finally. Gonna meet her alone next weekend and lets see how that goes. At this point I am willing to try anything. Divorce is last step. This isn't something which I can push for long.

 

The bolded makes for uncomfortable reading, OP.

 

Leave her sister and the rest of both your families out of it - that should be a private matter between you as a couple, especially as you can't predict how the ramifications of involving outsiders will affect your wife.

 

My only advice would be to, at the very least, spare her unnecessary emotional turmoil by underhandedly forcing her into make a decision against her wishes.

Edited June 5, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you think meeting a marriage counselor would help? My friend made me talk to his friend who recently took marriage counselling. He told me that marriage counsellors are no wizards. Dont expect the meeting to go in your favour. It can end up doing more harm than good.

 

How much luck have people had talking you into changing your mind? That's how much success a counselor - or anyone else - would have with her.

 

Moreover I know my mind will never change on this. Not tomorrow not 100 years later. I am 100% certain on this and no way I am being a hypocrite.

 

I wonder what you'd do if she told you tonight she was pregnant ? Just as you're considering a stealth vasectomy, she might be considering a "surprise" pregnancy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

Sometimes there is no right and no wrong.

 

You can love someone, and let them go. This I know.

 

You may have to let this one go. Having children is a non negotiable thing.

 

If she stays, you will cause her pain every day she is with you. She will always wonder and she will always regret. She will probaly leave you anyway. The love a mother has for her child is stronger than she has for her husband. And the same for Dads.

 

Let her go. We know you love her, but there is nothing you can do here.

Edited June 6, 2016 by 66Charger

[GunslingerRoland]

Well the reason I want to involve our family members is not because I want their advice, but I want them to take my side and talk her out of it. But clearly thats not working. I have contacted her sister finally. Gonna meet her alone next weekend and lets see how that goes. At this point I am willing to try anything. Divorce is last step. This isn't something which I can push for long.

 

A big point to consider is that after divorce it gets very difficult to find someone. Specially here. Its sad to say that it will be even more difficult for her than me, but thats the truth. However Luck too matters a lot.

 

From the replies I have gathered here its interesting to see people are advocating that we should part ways. I am sure you all are talking from your experiences and it has opened my eyes to something which I thought was pretty mean thing to do.

 

Do you think meeting a marriage counselor would help? My friend made me talk to his friend who recently took marriage counselling. He told me that marriage counsellors are no wizards. Dont expect the meeting to go in your favour. It can end up doing more harm than good.

 

 

It helps when you make a thread to give as much relevant information as possible at the start of it. The fact that you are in India (remember 99% of this site is in North America or Europe) definitely change things as far as what is accepted culturally and what is an option medically.

 

 

Marriage counselors are not wizards, but what a good one can do is get you both to the underlying reasons of your choices. You don't want to have a kid, she wants to have a kid. Those are two opposite sides that like others have said, you can't compromise on, and shouldn't compromise on.

 

 

What the counselor can do is get to the underlying reasons of why each of you feel that way. And may help you find common ground. In this case that's less likely than other types of disagreement, but it's your marriage and your life, so I think it's worth the investment at this point.

[sandylee1]

But getting family to talk her out of it is wrong of you. What if she finds family who agree with her and try and talk you into it. Your own mother would be on her side.

 

It's down to the two of you.

 

People will continue having babies, you can't cover her eyes up from seeing that.

[elaine567]

But getting family to talk her out of it is wrong of you. What if she finds family who agree with her and try and talk you into it. Your own mother would be on her side.

 

It's down to the two of you.

 

People will continue having babies, you can't cover her eyes up from seeing that.

 

All his family want kids, he is hoping her sister will be on his side and manage to convince his wife NOT to have kids. I think that is unrealistic.

What sort of sister would tell her own sister NOT to have children if children was what she wanted - a jealous one maybe??

[SummerDreams]

While I can't imagine myself not wanting kids, if the story happened like the OP described then he has every right to deny having kids for the extra and most important reason that it's not right to bring a kid to the world whose father does not want it. This kid has the right to have two parents who will make it a priority and love it unconditionally rather than consider it a burden and an obstacle to their dreams.

[BetheButterfly]

 

I am someone who was extremely clear with my goals. I want to retire by 40 and live rest of my life comfortably with my partner in some foreign location. For this I am working like crazy right now. One thing I dont see in my life is kids. I know the plans I have in mind will never be possible if we have kids. We had discussed this in detail and she agreed and saw herself fitting properly in my vision. I didnt force her or try to influence her in any way.

 

That's important, that you talked to her about your desire for no kids before marrying her. She needs to respect that.

 

Out of curiosity, did you make it a part of your wedding vows, promises to each other? In my opinion, it's incredibly important to add to one's wedding contract what one expects of the marriage. If one expects faithfulness, that's important to add. If one expects raising a family or not, that's also important to add.

After our marriage we were extremely happy. We both worked during the week like crazy and enjoyed on weekends. We went on short holidays. Sometimes if I required to travel for my work I would take her if she could get a leave. Everything was okay.

 

Cool!

 

However, if you live in society your thoughts will surely be influenced by it. Thats what happened to her. Our friends and co-workers started getting pregnant and having kids. This changed her thinking. One night when we were out for dinner she completely surprised me by saying lets have kids. I was shocked. I knew it wasnt a joke. We had a long discussion about it. I tried to tell her that our life is perfect and we are well in line with our plan. She told me that we have had our fun and its now time to share it with a new person.

 

Every other day this topic would come up and we would fight and argue over the same thing again and again. I told her several times that I clearly mentioned before marriage that I dont want kids but she said that its not like there was a written contract or anything. Things change. She now tells me she doesnt like my plan to retire so early and doesnt want to leave the country. She says we should live like others and shouldn't try too hard to be different.

 

That's why it's so important to put expectations in writing. Things do change, that's true. However, it's not right for her to try to force you to become a father when you obviously don't want to be. You told her before marriage; she is the one who changed. You didn't. She needs to respect you and uphold the verbal agreement she made with you.

The problem I cant get anyone to take my side on this. If I consult my parents they say obviously you should have kids. If I consult our friends they say you should have kids. She and my mother are very close. Like other mothers my mom too wants that I should have kids. So she is fully supporting this idea. Its becoming extremely difficult for me.

 

We had a perfect life. Exactly the kind of life I had in mind. No issues, no family tensions, no financial burdens. In these 3 years I had no problems with my wife, other than small husband-wife issues. I cant figure out how to deal with this problem. If I give in and we plan a baby then my whole dreams will be washed away in a second.

 

I am sorry.

 

So of course, you have to decide if you will change, out of an obligation to your wife, or if you will choose the painful process of divorce.

 

Personally, I believe your wife is wrong because she knew before marrying you that you didn't want kids. I think it's disrespectful of her to know that yet try to force you to change like she has changed.

 

However, love can motivate you to fulfill your wife's desire to be a Mom. So, you can put love for your wife before yourself, which is incredibly admirable and in fact shows that you truly love her, or you can put yourself and your dreams before her.

 

Ideally in my opinion, your wife should show she truly loves you by respecting your dreams, which you made clear before marrying her. However, you can't force her to truly love you, and she can't force you to truly love her. You need to decide:

 

You first?

 

Or your wife first?

 

Who do you love more?

 

Love = action.

[Ms. Faust]

First off, I have to say that having children and reaching financial independence (being able to live on investments) is not mutually exclusive. My husband and I are frugalites, we have a daughter, and as long as we continue doing what we are doing his projected retirement age is 43 years old, and that was our most conservative situation. The more realistic age is 38 years old. Mr. Money Mustache is an extreme example of someone who reached financial independence, and he also has children... but if you go to his forums you will meet a slew of people who have children and are financially independent or on the road to it.

 

That being said, if you don't want kids you don't want kids, and you should absolutely not be forced or heavy handed into having children, especially if it was the agreement before marriage. I would recommend counseling, but if you two cannot agree than the only other option is to part ways so you both can fulfill your own dreams.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[Hodor]

It helps when you make a thread to give as much relevant information as possible at the start of it.

 

Its difficult to summarise everything in one post. There are so many things going on. But I will try to give as much information as possible in my posts from here on.

 

But getting family to talk her out of it is wrong of you.

 

I feel its not wrong if I am trying to save our marriage. Like people said there is no middle ground here. Its either divorce or no baby. If it ultimately doesn't work out then I will have to let her go. But I need to at least try to make it work.

 

All his family want kids, he is hoping her sister will be on his side and manage to convince his wife NOT to have kids. I think that is unrealistic.

What sort of sister would tell her own sister NOT to have children if children was what she wanted - a jealous one maybe??

 

A sister who wants to save her sister's marriage. She kind of have a blur picture of whats going on with us. My wife talks to her regularly. At this point divorce is not even in the picture. But everybody knows that if things dont work out you part ways.

 

 

Out of curiosity, did you make it a part of your wedding vows, promises to each other? In my opinion, it's incredibly important to add to one's wedding contract what one expects of the marriage. If one expects faithfulness, that's important to add. If one expects raising a family or not, that's also important to add.

 

You first?

 

Or your wife first?

 

Who do you love more?

 

Love = action.

 

We dont have to write vows in our culture. They are all pre written. There are 7 vows. Out of those 7 vows 4 have children mentioned in it. For e.g.

 

Groom:

May we grow wealthy and prosperous and strive for the education of our children. May our children live long.

Bride:

I will love you solely for the rest of my life, as you are my husband. Every other man in my life will be secondary. I vow to remain chaste.

 

But thats just tradition. Vows say alot of things which are not relevant in all cases. So they aren't give too much importance.

 

I am not a family man. I want to live my life a particular way. Just because my wife's views have changed doesnt mean I should change mine too. Silly of me to think before marriage that a situation like this would never arise.

 

First off, I have to say that having children and reaching financial independence (being able to live on investments) is not mutually exclusive.

 

In that case I would need to earn much much much more than I have planned. I know I cant. I might get lucky and receive a call from bill gates that Microsoft wants to buy my company but thats never gonna happen. Moreover alot of things are different. I dont know how it is in west but I am assuming government supports its citizens alot. Here if you want to raise your child properly then you need to spend money. You cant send them to governemnt school. You need to get an expensive private school for good education. You have to fund their college tution 100%. If a child wants to become a doctor or study abroad then expect a very hefty financial burden.

Moreover having kids means I have to think about his inheritance. This is a big thing for us. A father with good financial status is expected to leave a good inheritance for his kids.

What I am trying to say is if I become a father then I have to be 100% committed towards my kid. There cant be any compromises in health, education and well being. Then I wouldnt want to live for me but live for my family. This is something which I dont want.

[BetheButterfly]

 

We dont have to write vows in our culture. They are all pre written. There are 7 vows. Out of those 7 vows 4 have children mentioned in it. For e.g.

 

Groom:

May we grow wealthy and prosperous and strive for the education of our children. May our children live long.

 

Do you believe you need to keep your vow? If so, your wife has every reason to change her mind to want kids. According to your vow, you don't really have a choice. Sorry.

 

But thats just tradition. Vows say alot of things which are not relevant in all cases. So they aren't give too much importance.

Vows are promises. Is it not in your culture to honor your word, or does your word mean nothing to you?

 

I am not a family man. I want to live my life a particular way. Just because my wife's views have changed doesnt mean I should change mine too. Silly of me to think before marriage that a situation like this would never arise.

You yourself took a vow about your children. You have no excuse in a court of law. You are bound by your word, unless you break your word, which isn't a good thing.

 

In that case I would need to earn much much much more than I have planned. I know I cant. I might get lucky and receive a call from bill gates that Microsoft wants to buy my company but thats never gonna happen. Moreover alot of things are different. I dont know how it is in west but I am assuming government supports its citizens alot. Here if you want to raise your child properly then you need to spend money. You cant send them to governemnt school. You need to get an expensive private school for good education. You have to fund their college tution 100%. If a child wants to become a doctor or study abroad then expect a very hefty financial burden.

Moreover having kids means I have to think about his inheritance. This is a big thing for us. A father with good financial status is expected to leave a good inheritance for his kids.

Stop complaining and be a man about it then. Maybe I'm being harsh but really, you promised. If you didn't want kids, the smart thing would have been to refuse to include children in your vows. Your mistake, not your wife's.

 

What I am trying to say is if I become a father then I have to be 100% committed towards my kid. There cant be any compromises in health, education and well being. Then I wouldnt want to live for me but live for my family. This is something which I dont want.

Again, does your word mean nothing to you? Next time you promise something, make sure you 100% believe in what you promise.

[pteromom]

In my opinion, it would be cruel to prevent your wife from becoming a mother. I think your only options are to open your mind to the idea, or to let her go.

 

She probably didn't want kids when she married, but man, once that desire kicks in, it's incredibly painful to deny it.

 

However -

 

I think you are looking at being a father as a very black/white thing. As if a child will prevent you from reaching your dreams.

 

And that's just not the case. There are all different types of families out there. Some live in very non-traditional ways, and they make it work. Some even make it work with very little money.

 

Before you throw in the towel, I would try to let go of your staunch idea of what your life should be like, and open your mind. Think of how you could still live a life similar to what you imagined with a child in the mix.

[pteromom]

Then I wouldnt want to live for me but live for my family. This is something which I dont want.

 

 

I feel badly for your wife on other levels if this is how you feel. She already is your family, you know. And when you marry, you are making a promise to live not only for yourself.

[Hodor]

 

I feel badly for your wife on other levels if this is how you feel. She already is your family, you know. And when you marry, you are making a promise to live not only for yourself.

 

I hear you. I wont deny anything or say I am some saint. Yes I am little selfish. When we got married I promised my wife that I will try to give her all the happiness in the world minus the kids. I feel I haven't deviated from that promise.

If she comes to me tomorrow and say whatever she earns is for her to keep then I will agree to that without even giving it a thought. All the financial arrangements, our current lifestyle, our friends, etc are mutually decided. So I would respectfully like to disagree that I am only living for myself. Some changes I can bare some I cant. Sadly the kid falls in the latter category.

[pteromom]

I hear you. I wont deny anything or say I am some saint. Yes I am little selfish. When we got married I promised my wife that I will try to give her all the happiness in the world minus the kids. I feel I haven't deviated from that promise.

If she comes to me tomorrow and say whatever she earns is for her to keep then I will agree to that without even giving it a thought. All the financial arrangements, our current lifestyle, our friends, etc are mutually decided. So I would respectfully like to disagree that I am only living for myself. Some changes I can bare some I cant. Sadly the kid falls in the latter category.

 

So you won't even talk about the possibility - what would your life look like with kids? What would your wife expect from you? How you could both get what you want? There has to be some way...doesn't there?

 

If you would honestly rather say goodbye to her than to even consider having a child, then you should do her the favor of ending the marriage yourself.

[DreamP]

Vows are promises. Is it not in your culture to honor your word, or does your word mean nothing to you?

 

 

You yourself took a vow about your children. You have no excuse in a court of law. You are bound by your word, unless you break your word, which isn't a good thing.

 

Wedding vows is a very western concept. You cannot apply it here. If I recall, many American vows have the word "obey" in them too. I don't think women take it literately to mean it. Regardless, marriage is not a set in stone contract. it is an evolving relationship that needs to be negotiated. The couple clearly agreed to certain parameters. However, the wife is changing her mind. This is not a business transaction. She has the right to do so. However, this is not what the OP wanted. You have 2 people who are not willing to compromise.

 

OP, would your wife, and you, be open to unofficially adopting one of her relative's children? I've seen this in my culture a lot. A child ends up living/being raised by an uncle/aunt without children. The unofficial adoptive parents have no legal obligations to the child. Once the child is an adult, the birth parents may step in to pay for college and weddings. Often, the "adoptive" parents become pretty attached and support the child financially. This works even better if the "adoptive" parents live abroad. This may be a compromise for you.

[privategal]

I hear you. I wont deny anything or say I am some saint. Yes I am little selfish. When we got married I promised my wife that I will try to give her all the happiness in the world minus the kids. I feel I haven't deviated from that promise.

If she comes to me tomorrow and say whatever she earns is for her to keep then I will agree to that without even giving it a thought. All the financial arrangements, our current lifestyle, our friends, etc are mutually decided. So I would respectfully like to disagree that I am only living for myself. Some changes I can bare some I cant. Sadly the kid falls in the latter category.

 

Are you buying into guilt trips here? NO...you dont OWE it to her to sign your life away becoming a parent.

Its not something negotiable or that needs counseling.

Kids are a full time job, are expensive, that change your entire lifestyle and I think its YOU that got the raw end of a deal that she changed her mind.

Its not your job to have a child out of guilt or obligation.

Its so dumb you wont divorce though cause its hard to find someone new?

Your wasting time and love and people are everywhere.

[Hodor]

Do you believe you need to keep your vow? If so, your wife has every reason to change her mind to want kids. According to your vow, you don't really have a choice. Sorry.

 

Vows are promises. Is it not in your culture to honor your word, or does your word mean nothing to you?

 

 

You yourself took a vow about your children. You have no excuse in a court of law. You are bound by your word, unless you break your word, which isn't a good thing.

 

Stop complaining and be a man about it then. Maybe I'm being harsh but really, you promised. If you didn't want kids, the smart thing would have been to refuse to include children in your vows. Your mistake, not your wife's.

 

Again, does your word mean nothing to you? Next time you promise something, make sure you 100% believe in what you promise.

 

What happens in Indian marriage is you call a Pandit (Indian Priest). You and your wife sit around fire while the Priest chants. Its an 2 hour long chanting process. They say million things and no body knows what it means. They all are in Sanskrit which hardly anyone speaks. After couple of hours or so we both get up and walk around fire 7 times. The priest keeps chanting. This is how a traditional Hindu marriage happens.

Like I said the vows are pre written and are probably 1000 years old. You dont alter the chants. You dont have a choice. Just because something is written 1000 years ago doesnt mean you should go by it.

 

The real vows were not the chants done by a 3rd party but the meetings which we had before marriage. She knows this and she acknowledges this.

 

There is another vow in the chants which says women will take care of house duties. But there are millions of women who are working and have never entered kitchen. They have servants and managers who take care of everything.

 

In court of law, it wouldnt matter what I agreed to or what I didnt. Court will favour her because of the reason for divorce. That is not something I am worried about.

[Hodor]

So you won't even talk about the possibility - what would your life look like with kids? What would your wife expect from you? How you could both get what you want? There has to be some way...doesn't there?

 

Even if we come up with a new plan there is no guarantee that it will work. But you are right, we should atleast discuss this once.

 

OP, would your wife, and you, be open to unofficially adopting one of her relative's children? I've seen this in my culture a lot. A child ends up living/being raised by an uncle/aunt without children. The unofficial adoptive parents have no legal obligations to the child. Once the child is an adult, the birth parents may step in to pay for college and weddings. Often, the "adoptive" parents become pretty attached and support the child financially. This works even better if the "adoptive" parents live abroad. This may be a compromise for you.

 

Yes this too happens here. But if you are adopting someone you are adopting him fully. There is no half and half. The way my wife speaks, she clearly wants to carry our own child. She wants to experience the motherhood completely. I feel adopting would make it more complex.

 

Its so dumb you wont divorce though cause its hard to find someone new?

 

No that is not the case. A lot of divorced people are getting married again here. It is just little difficult for the female in comparison to male.

[SummerDreams]

I find it weird that people are actually trying to convince the OP to do something he doesn't want to do which will not only be bad lifetime decision for him but for the child itself as well. I get where he is coming from, he had an absent father all his life who was dedicated to bringing home money for his kids working insane hours and not having a personal life and the OP wants to avoid that that's why he made this marriage with this woman who promised she didn't want kids but now she wants to trap him into having one. I find it really really unfair to say the least and I would suggest to the OP he insists on his decision and take it from there, which probably will be divorce.