Wife wants kids...

[JAbba2gEther]

3 years ago I had an arranged marriage. It was not due to pressure from family or anything but it was my choice. I met several girls and when I saw her I knew she was the one. We both immediately liked each other and we were perfectly compatible. She is educated and holds a very good job.

 

Before agreeing to getting married we met and talked several times. We discussed everything, what kind of lifestyle we both expect and what kind of future we had in mind.

 

I am someone who was extremely clear with my goals. I want to retire by 40 and live rest of my life comfortably with my partner in some foreign location. For this I am working like crazy right now. One thing I dont see in my life is kids. I know the plans I have in mind will never be possible if we have kids. We had discussed this in detail and she agreed and saw herself fitting properly in my vision. I didnt force her or try to influence her in any way.

 

After our marriage we were extremely happy. We both worked during the week like crazy and enjoyed on weekends. We went on short holidays. Sometimes if I required to travel for my work I would take her if she could get a leave. Everything was okay.

 

However, if you live in society your thoughts will surely be influenced by it. Thats what happened to her. Our friends and co-workers started getting pregnant and having kids. This changed her thinking. One night when we were out for dinner she completely surprised me by saying lets have kids. I was shocked. I knew it wasnt a joke. We had a long discussion about it. I tried to tell her that our life is perfect and we are well in line with our plan. She told me that we have had our fun and its now time to share it with a new person.

 

Every other day this topic would come up and we would fight and argue over the same thing again and again. I told her several times that I clearly mentioned before marriage that I dont want kids but she said that its not like there was a written contract or anything. Things change. She now tells me she doesnt like my plan to retire so early and doesnt want to leave the country. She says we should live like others and shouldn't try too hard to be different.

 

The problem I cant get anyone to take my side on this. If I consult my parents they say obviously you should have kids. If I consult our friends they say you should have kids. She and my mother are very close. Like other mothers my mom too wants that I should have kids. So she is fully supporting this idea. Its becoming extremely difficult for me.

 

We had a perfect life. Exactly the kind of life I had in mind. No issues, no family tensions, no financial burdens. In these 3 years I had no problems with my wife, other than small husband-wife issues. I cant figure out how to deal with this problem. If I give in and we plan a baby then my whole dreams will be washed away in a second.

 

You know, there are things that you say many years ago that may not be meaningful now. People change, dreams change, friends move on and so do the best intentions. Flexibility is a great skill to learn, particularly when you see yourself at different stages in your life.

 

I wonder what would happen if your father had made the same decision before you were born? Would you have had the opportunity to try to retire before you were 40? Marriage is often sitting down with your wife and talking through what is best for you both. Even when changes of direction is planned.

 

Child rearing adds a different direction to your life. it is tremendously rewarding, and it helps both of you in teamwork, in working together to achieve a common goal, and in understanding what an awesome job it is to be a parent. Perhaps you should review your life goals. As some others have alluded, who will share the wealth when you are older? Who will look after both you and your wife when you are too old and are starting to have health problems? When your parents pass on, and your friends are too busy with their own children's lives, who will you talk with?

 

I don't want to put too much pressure on you. But, if your wife is starting the conversation, it may be that she will feel regrets and wonder what would have been if there were children...

[SoulCat]

This....

 

I wonder what would happen if your father had made the same decision before you were born?

 

....makes this an utterly moot point.

 

Would you have had the opportunity to try to retire before you were 40?

 

 

Marriage is often sitting down with your wife and talking through what is best for you both.

 

They talked about this specific life plan before they got married, an went ahead with getting married based on their mutual agreement on said life plan.

 

 

Even when changes of direction is planned.

 

A change of direction wasn't 'planned'. OP's wife changed her mind. That is absolutely her right.

It's also OP's right not to change his.

 

 

[]

Edited July 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted ~6

[adna89]

Everyone can do what they want,i just found out my cousins 40-year old wife found out she has cancer.

 

live life do not wait 10-20 years,you can die,get ill

[BettyDraper]

You know, there are things that you say many years ago that may not be meaningful now. People change, dreams change, friends move on and so do the best intentions. Flexibility is a great skill to learn, particularly when you see yourself at different stages in your life.

 

I wonder what would happen if your father had made the same decision before you were born? Would you have had the opportunity to try to retire before you were 40? Marriage is often sitting down with your wife and talking through what is best for you both. Even when changes of direction is planned.

 

Child rearing adds a different direction to your life. it is tremendously rewarding, and it helps both of you in teamwork, in working together to achieve a common goal, and in understanding what an awesome job it is to be a parent. Perhaps you should review your life goals. As some others have alluded, who will share the wealth when you are older? Who will look after both you and your wife when you are too old and are starting to have health problems? When your parents pass on, and your friends are too busy with their own children's lives, who will you talk with?

 

I don't want to put too much pressure on you. But, if your wife is starting the conversation, it may be that she will feel regrets and wonder what would have been if there were children...

 

Hmmm...you certainly don't seem very flexible since you are assuming that having children is the only valid choice for a married couple.

 

If the OP's father made the same decision, he would not exist so there would be no discussion about whether or not to have children in the first place. People love to use that ridiculous argument to push their parenting agenda on others.

 

While it's great that you enjoyed being a parent, it's naive to think that everyone enjoys raising children as much as you did. In fact, it has been proven that children cause a decline in marital happiness, particularly for mothers since women bear the brunt of childrearing. Plenty of parents are quite miserable because the responsibility of children inhibits their freedom in many ways.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/may/24/marriage-kids-children-relationship-suffers-research

https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/05/06/why-having-children-is-bad-for-your-marriage/

Secret Confessions Search - hate being a mom

 

I don't believe the OP should review his life goals just because they are out of the norm. Wealth can be left to charitable organizations or to younger relatives. If you believe that children always take care of their parents once their parents are elderly, then you have never visited a nursing home and seen how many parents are left to fend for themselves. It's also selfish to raise children purely to have caregivers in old age. This is why I laugh when people call the childfree selfish; you have just demonstrated how many parents bring children into the world for their own gain. Parents are not imprisoned to the point where they cannot have friendships, so your question about whom the OP will talk with is also nonsensical. He can converse with his wife and other couples who are childfree or finished raising children.

 

I doubt that you did not intend to put pressure on the OP since your post reads like a list of reasons why he needs to become a parent.

Time to learn to accept that not everyone is obligated to have children so that you can exemplify the same flexibility you were speaking of.

[redbaron007]

...

 

I am holding myself back so hard to not say yes just because of the pressure. I dont want to bring a new life and then regret it later. I know there is no win-win situation here...

 

OP - you are free to choose whether you want to have a kid or not, but as a parent I can assure you, if you guys do end up having a kid, the chances of you regretting the fact that you had the kid, is precisely zero. Ask any parent on this forum from any culture....I have yet to meet a parent who actually regrets having their child. They may regret when they had the kid, or even whom they had it with, but they will never ever regret having the kid. So your worry that you may regret it later is unwarranted.

[BettyDraper]

OP - you are free to choose whether you want to have a kid or not, but as a parent I can assure you, if you guys do end up having a kid, the chances of you regretting the fact that you had the kid, is precisely zero. Ask any parent on this forum from any culture....I have yet to meet a parent who actually regrets having their child. They may regret when they had the kid, or even whom they had it with, but they will never ever regret having the kid. So your worry that you may regret it later is unwarranted.

 

Again, completely untrue.

 

I've known many people whose parents have told them that they wish they were never born. My MIL was one of them-she said that to my husband right in front of me. I have also seen many women weep and confess to me that they would have never had children if they knew what it was going to be like.

 

I don't know why some parents believe that just because they loved being raising children, it means like every parent feels the same way as they do. Why wouldn't someone hate being a parent if they were vehemently against it in the first place? Obviously there would be much resentment for the sacrifices.

[SoulCat]

OP - you are free to choose whether you want to have a kid or not, but as a parent I can assure you, if you guys do end up having a kid, the chances of you regretting the fact that you had the kid, is precisely zero. Ask any parent on this forum from any culture....I have yet to meet a parent who actually regrets having their child. They may regret when they had the kid, or even whom they had it with, but they will never ever regret having the kid. So your worry that you may regret it later is unwarranted.

 

Complete and utter codswallop. There is a whole host of fora on the internet where parents post about their regret about having kids.

 

Heck, there's even a 'I Regret Having Children' FaceBook page.

[noelle303]

OP - you are free to choose whether you want to have a kid or not, but as a parent I can assure you, if you guys do end up having a kid, the chances of you regretting the fact that you had the kid, is precisely zero. Ask any parent on this forum from any culture....I have yet to meet a parent who actually regrets having their child. They may regret when they had the kid, or even whom they had it with, but they will never ever regret having the kid. So your worry that you may regret it later is unwarranted.

 

I think it's actually more common than you think, people simply never admit it because they think it makes them terrible people and parents.

 

I met someone who was open enough to tell me that they love their child, but wish they had remained childless.

 

Hodor, I strongly advise you to stand your ground if you truly don't want kids. It's not fair to anyone in the situation, especially to the potential child.

[Hodor]

[]

 

Just because I want to live life the way I want and not let society decide how I should live, I am wrong? What is this Karma you are talking about? Every single penny I earn is through hardwork and legally. Yes I don't want to share it with anyone, other than my wife. I dont want to spend it on my kids. I would rather travel first class alone than with my family in economy. I am what I am and I dont hide this from anybody.

Edited July 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote of deleted post redacted ~6

[SoulCat]

Just because I want to live life the way I want and not let society decide how I should live, I am wrong? What is this Karma you are talking about? Every single penny I earn is through hardwork and legally. Yes I don't want to share it with anyone, other than my wife. I dont want to spend it on my kids. I would rather travel first class alone than with my family in economy. I am what I am and I dont hide this from anybody.

 

 

Good for you. Stick to your guns if this is how you feel.

I know the vitriol you'll get spouted at you, the prophecies of doom and regret.

Listen to your gut instinct only. The rest is just white noise.

[BettyDraper]

Just because I want to live life the way I want and not let society decide how I should live, I am wrong? What is this Karma you are talking about? Every single penny I earn is through hardwork and legally. Yes I don't want to share it with anyone, other than my wife. I dont want to spend it on my kids. I would rather travel first class alone than with my family in economy. I am what I am and I dont hide this from anybody.

 

I admire you for not buying into the cult of parenthood just because it is what is expected of you. I believe that if more people really took the time to think of the implications of having children, there would be far less unwanted children and screwed up adults in the world.

 

People often feel threatened by anyone who is happy taking a road less travelled. I would be a wealthy woman if I had a dollar for every parent who told me that they wished they were childfree. Snide remarks often come from jealousy. As a childfree woman, I have more time to nurture my marriage, more disposable income and none of the worry that comes with raising children. Sometimes I'm glad that my mother was very open about how children ruined her life. It made me realize that being a parent is not the Pollyanna fairytale that the world wants everyone to believe.

[66Charger]

Polyanna fairytale?

 

If I was offered 1 billion dollars, instead of my daughter, I would burn the money.

 

And the VAST majority of parents would agree.

 

Suggesting anything else is normal is a damn lie.

[BettyDraper]

Polyanna fairytale?

 

If I was offered 1 billion dollars, instead of my daughter, I would burn the money.

 

And the VAST majority of parents would agree.

 

Suggesting anything else is normal is a damn lie.

 

It's also a lie to suggest that being a parent is ALWAYS rewarding and joyous.

I don't doubt that most parents love their children and wouldn't trade them for the world. I'm just reasonable enough to realize that not every parent feels the same way.

[noelle303]

Polyanna fairytale?

 

If I was offered 1 billion dollars, instead of my daughter, I would burn the money.

 

And the VAST majority of parents would agree.

 

Suggesting anything else is normal is a damn lie.

 

You're talking about existing children. Of course that it is not normal that a parent doesn't love the child they have.

 

However, you don't miss or love what you don't have, and some parents simply wish that they've remained childless.

[Els]

I find it ironic that OP is upset about what he perceives to be attempted manipulation aimed at getting him to agree to a child, but he's looking for ways to manipulate his wife into agreeing to remain child free.

 

Even by guilting her with the "honoring her promise" argument.

 

It was unreasonable to think his wife could make such a promise at the age she was at marriage, and these things change.

 

He could've easily changed his mind.....it happens.

 

So while OP should definitely not agree to kids if he doesn't want them, it's also a little hypocritical to complain about manipulation and then try to manipulate his wife.

 

I get that life will be difficult for her with a divorce, but I assume she knows this and is still not talking to him, so clearly she's made her position known.

 

He's still looking for a way to force his wants on her

 

I don't think either of them is manipulating the other person. They're just incompatible people in general, and sadly they just didn't realize it before they married, due to the pressures of their society on young people. No one is really to blame here, they're both just victims of rigid societal rules.

[66Charger]

It's also a lie to suggest that being a parent is ALWAYS rewarding and joyous.

I don't doubt that most parents love their children and wouldn't trade them for the world. I'm just reasonable enough to realize that not every parent feels the same way.

 

That I 100% agree.with. Once they hit Teen, the word joyous gets replaced with wanting to wring their neck.

 

I do.agree that no one should be forced or coerced into having children or NOT having them.

Edited July 3, 2016 by 66Charger

[BettyDraper]

That I 100% agree.with. Once they hit Teen, the word joyous gets replaced with wanting to wring their neck.

 

I do.agree that no one should be forced or coerced into having children or NOT having them.

 

Thank you for saying this.

 

I always giggle to myself when I hear new parents gush about how wonderful raising a child is. Of course they do! It's easy to love a tiny infant.

 

When that baby hits terrible twos and teens, those parents often change their tune.

[Hodor]

I got things cleared up with my mom. My dad took my side. My mom is pretty pissed at me but at least she is now 100% certain where I stand. She tried extremely hard to convince me. She said when we are here why do you worry? We will give you our full support and you will also receive support from her parents side in raising the kid. When everything is available then the only problem is your selfishness. I said I dont deny that. My dad came to my rescue and said he is an adult and let him live however he wants. If he regrets tomorrow he will only blame himself and no one else. While leaving he said I dont support your thinking even one bit but you are my son and I will always be there for you.

 

As for whats happening with my wife, even I am clueless. She sometimes sleeps at my parents home and sometimes her parents home. I called up her sister and asked her whats going on? She told me she is waiting for me to change my mind. I said thats not gonna happen and you need to convey to her. Also there is nothing else to talk about. She needs to make a decision. I sent another message to my wife saying silent treatment wont work on me. No reply.

 

I am gonna give it another week and then go to her dad and tell him that we need to start the separation procedure. Its affecting me alot and I want to get over with this uncertainty.

[adna89]

I got things cleared up with my mom. My dad took my side. My mom is pretty pissed at me but at least she is now 100% certain where I stand. She tried extremely hard to convince me. She said when we are here why do you worry? We will give you our full support and you will also receive support from her parents side in raising the kid. When everything is available then the only problem is your selfishness. I said I dont deny that. My dad came to my rescue and said he is an adult and let him live however he wants. If he regrets tomorrow he will only blame himself and no one else. While leaving he said I dont support your thinking even one bit but you are my son and I will always be there for you.

 

As for whats happening with my wife, even I am clueless. She sometimes sleeps at my parents home and sometimes her parents home. I called up her sister and asked her whats going on? She told me she is waiting for me to change my mind. I said thats not gonna happen and you need to convey to her. Also there is nothing else to talk about. She needs to make a decision. I sent another message to my wife saying silent treatment wont work on me. No reply.

 

I am gonna give it another week and then go to her dad and tell him that we need to start the separation procedure. Its affecting me alot and I want to get over with this uncertainty.

 

your dad did not take your side,rather he gave up

[BettyDraper]

I got things cleared up with my mom. My dad took my side. My mom is pretty pissed at me but at least she is now 100% certain where I stand. She tried extremely hard to convince me. She said when we are here why do you worry? We will give you our full support and you will also receive support from her parents side in raising the kid. When everything is available then the only problem is your selfishness. I said I dont deny that. My dad came to my rescue and said he is an adult and let him live however he wants. If he regrets tomorrow he will only blame himself and no one else. While leaving he said I dont support your thinking even one bit but you are my son and I will always be there for you.

 

As for whats happening with my wife, even I am clueless. She sometimes sleeps at my parents home and sometimes her parents home. I called up her sister and asked her whats going on? She told me she is waiting for me to change my mind. I said thats not gonna happen and you need to convey to her. Also there is nothing else to talk about. She needs to make a decision. I sent another message to my wife saying silent treatment wont work on me. No reply.

 

I am gonna give it another week and then go to her dad and tell him that we need to start the separation procedure. Its affecting me alot and I want to get over with this uncertainty.

 

I like the way you are handling this. Hiding from a spouse in order to get her way is immature and ridiculous. It makes sense to initiate divorce since you and your wife are incompatible. It's not fair to either one of you to give up the life you truly want so there's no reason to stay married. Just as you shouldn't have to raise a vehemently unwanted child if, your wife should not have to give up on her dream of motherhood either. Let her go so that she can find what she wants and you can live your life in peace.

[redbaron007]

Complete and utter codswallop. There is a whole host of fora on the internet where parents post about their regret about having kids.

 

Heck, there's even a 'I Regret Having Children' FaceBook page.

 

So an internet forum and Facebook page trumps the sane majority of parents who love their kids? There are outliers everywhere, OP does not seem to be one, so I stand by what I said.

[Hodor]

My wife came back yesterday. She broke down when she saw me. I told her to take her time and then call me.

 

When my wife left our home, she got a suggestion from her friend that ignore your husband completely and see if you can live without him. If you cant then you have your answer i.e. husband over kid. I dont know how true the story is but I am giving her benefit of doubt for now.

 

I told her this is pretty BS because 2-3weeks isnt enough to judge a thing like this. She was like lets start over. I am willing to make a sacrifice for you. I told her that dont lie to yourself. Its hard but think what you really want and make a decision. But let me make one thing extremely clear, I will never ever entertain a talk about having kids.

 

It was Sunday today and I felt a bit awkward. Its difficult to start pretending everything is so normal all of a sudden. I went to office and spent most of the day there. We went for a quick fastfood dinner nearby. She was trying too hard to keep the mood friendly and fun. She even suggested a holiday.

 

Lets see how it goes. It was a bit surprising for me. I was watching netflix and all of a sudden she came back. I havent given much thought on things. One thing I learnt in Landmark forum is dont create stories in your head. I will wait and see.

[ChickiePops]

10 characters

[whichwayisup]

My wife came back yesterday. She broke down when she saw me. I told her to take her time and then call me.

 

When my wife left our home, she got a suggestion from her friend that ignore your husband completely and see if you can live without him. If you cant then you have your answer i.e. husband over kid. I dont know how true the story is but I am giving her benefit of doubt for now.

 

I told her this is pretty BS because 2-3weeks isnt enough to judge a thing like this. She was like lets start over. I am willing to make a sacrifice for you. I told her that dont lie to yourself. Its hard but think what you really want and make a decision. But let me make one thing extremely clear, I will never ever entertain a talk about having kids.

 

It was Sunday today and I felt a bit awkward. Its difficult to start pretending everything is so normal all of a sudden. I went to office and spent most of the day there. We went for a quick fastfood dinner nearby. She was trying too hard to keep the mood friendly and fun. She even suggested a holiday.

 

Lets see how it goes. It was a bit surprising for me. I was watching netflix and all of a sudden she came back. I havent given much thought on things. One thing I learnt in Landmark forum is dont create stories in your head. I will wait and see.

 

She wants children, you don't. There's no solution except to divorce. This isn't about love, it's obvoius you two love one another. it's about wanting a family unit. You don't want that so the kindest thing to do is to divorce.

 

On some level, she never should have married you knowing that you were never going to have children with her.

[elaine567]

I think that "sacrifice" is just a step too far, and there is also the issue of you wanting to pull her away from friends and family, by leaving the country when you retire at 40.