overbearing coworker

[ajaxlemon]

I have a coworker who's super smart, but she's pushy and gets offended easily. Even our usually patient and polite boss can't help but raise her voice from time to time when she talks to her, but this coworker is indispensable because she's basically the brain of the department.

 

The thing is, I'm the one person in the department who has to work with her the most. Sometimes she asks me to review her work, and whatever comment I make she gets defensive and then she goes on and on to justify why she wouldn't take my suggestion (then why ask for a review??). Even if I'm just pointing out a typo she would say, "Well as long as you know what I mean who cares? Why can't you find something better to criticize? etc etc etc." Other times, I'm in the middle of working on project X and she would go, "Hey, could you work on project X?" like I didn't know what my responsibility was. I admit, sometimes this one makes me want to stop working on project X just because.

 

I don't know how to handle it because she's really loud and argumentative and if I speak up to her about 20 other people will hear her and it'll look like two women are being "catty" when it's just her saying a lot of stuff. Also, I don't like how I am when I'm around her. I'm a "yes man" and pretty easy to push around, but she's pushed so far I have snapped at her a few times and ended up looking bad myself.

 

How do I deal??

[90s kid]

Sounds like she doesn't take constructive criticism very well. I would suggest speaking to her about it but I'm not sure that would be helpful since she doesn't sounds like someone who likes correction. I would suggest limiting your contact with her to email. And if she gets rude with you, at least it's documented.

[jakrbbt]

I worked closely with a person a lot like that, also genius, also very defensive, also very stressful. I got the brunt of it because I was the only person who would work with her yet she was indispensable. She passed away and I've now gained perspective on it.

 

First I will say that the best book on the subject I came across (of many) was "Toxic Coworkers: how to deal with Disfunctional People on the Job" by Alvin Cavaiola and Neil Lavender. Such spot-on descriptions it's satisfying to read. But no book is all that life-saving in terms of telling you how to solve the problem of having that person in your life. I read a lot of books and articles about basically her. God I wish I could get that time back.

 

Second, I am very strongly convinced that this is a survival issue for YOU, even though the problem is HER. People like her will suck your attention. You want to solve her, you want to not get smacked by her, you can't figure out why she is this way. Bit o think your one big fat goal should be to keep her out of your life as much as possible and do "internal damage-control" de-stressing exercises for yourself similar to people who regularly work with antisocial patients or clients. You should deal with her only in writing to the extent possible. Will your boss allow you to work physically farther away, alter your in-office schedule a bit, and only review her work via email with email replies? I hope you have a supportive boss but unfortunately most bosses do not want to deal with the personnel issues these kinds of employees cause.

 

As a desperate measure, get some flesh-colored earplugs so her strident vitriol will at least sound muffled and your nervous system might not respond to it. That's a band-aid, but all your measures should be along those lines: reducing your exposure to her and minimizing your stress after the exposure.

[Tayla]

Boy oh boy does this bring back memories!

 

I disliked fault finding, and made no bones about it. Til one day my boss sat me down and quite nicely asked that I "fix" a report he was remitting. I eagerly did the report and afterwards he said, hey that is better! I proudly said, yeah it had some whoppers of errors. He gave a gentle smile and said, I often like when people are given a chance to correct the task. Turns out I was the one that two years prior had handed in that very report! What a moment it was. I learned two things that day, how to correct my own mistakes and how to allow someone to broach it in away that gets the task done without finger pointing .

 

So if I did get asked moving forward to proof I often guided the person to the area of concern, then let them figure it out. If though it was a deadline item I'd point them to the data and ask them to revisit it.

 

Op- it's a no win when this person comes off hostile. Try staying arms length and minimize direct comments. This lady is to vested to be of rationale and objective thinking.

[privategal]

Sit down with your boss.

Tell him your interest is not to be catty or throw anyone under the bus, it is just that she is incredibly overbearing and you need a solution because you feel yourself affected by it.

Maybe your boss feels the same and will address it.

Maybe you can ask to email her some concerns and copy him.

Before distancing yourself Id make it clear professionally how her behavior has affected the work dynamic.

I also wouldnt do anything to throw gasoline in the fire as far as snapping, but if you could get the boss to see and back you that it isnt a personal attack but something needs done...maybe they will help.

The job is a big part of all of our lives so it is key to try and resolve things to help satisfaction.