Feeling Frustrated and Trapped

[vla1120]

Three-four years ago, I found this site when I was going through my divorce. Now I am remarried, two years in October. We did rush into marriage because he has stage three kidney cancer and had no health benefits. Now he is covered by my policy at work. He loves me. He cares for me. He looks out for me. But we have some ongoing issues. I am hoping even just getting them off my chest may help.

 

1. He has one grown son. He had his son only on weekends and never had children with his second wife (I am his 3rd). From day one, he contends our family includes only him and me. Our children are kept outside our family nucleus.

 

2 I have three grown daughters (32, 26, 20) who have been the center of my life since their birth. He wants me all to himself. I only spend time with them when he is at work (because they are not fond of him and think he controls me). He even has problems with that, if I do not call him enough while I am with them. He calls and starts fights with me.

 

3. I raised my daughters to be independent, make their own money, and have their own bank accounts. A condition of our marriage was that he wanted our finances together - joint savings and checking. He "says" that I have financial freedom, but questions every penny I spend.

 

4. I had a suicide attempt in January (completely out of character for me, I was very frustrated at that moment with the control and I think I was desperately looking for a way out). I have been in therapy every week since. My therapist recognizes how controlling he is. I think sometimes it's easier to do what he wants than to fight it.

 

5. I believe is has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. He meets every criteria. He gets very upset if I call him controlling. He does not believe he is.

 

Maybe I just need I vent. I don't know. I'm just feeling so trapped right now. This morning, he started a fight with me about how my daughters need to respect him. I told him to stop before it got ugly, but he just kept going.

 

Part of me wants to run, far and fast. Part of me thinks I would be a complete heel to leave a man with his health condition. I'm just so torn. I do love him.

 

On a side note - we just spent two weeks in Greece alone. It was heavenly. He's fine when we're alone. He's fine when I am letting him control the finances. But he has to share me, and I want to control my own income (preferrably without him going over the deep end).

 

I can take criticism. You won't be saying anything I haven't already told myself, most likely. Thank you for listening.

[vla1120]

The issues I am currently having two years into my marriage. We may have gotten married for the wrong reasons (so that he could have health benefits to fight his stage 3 kidney cancer). I knew going in that he had some controlling behaviors, but I didn't feel it was anything that serious, since he has so many other redeeming qualities (loving and caring, financially responsible, reliable, completely devoted to me, etc.). My problem is that, rather than addressing these controlling behaviors from day one, I kept the peace by going along with how he wanted things done (right down to always backing my car into parking spaces, now.)

 

Has anyone successfully negotiated in their marriage with a controlling person? Now, I find myself rebelling against every thing he wants me to do his way, whether it's the most logical or not. I'm doing some internet research to determine the best way to try to get him to ease back on these issues (including weekly therapy sessions, sometimes with him.) My therapist also sees his controlling behaviors, however, if I dare call him controlling, he gets very offended. I just want a peaceful household (which, ironically, he says he wants too). I've even contemplated the possibility that his need to control comes from having no control over this cancer he is fighting (though he is stable and has remained so for the past two years.). This is just a small glimpse into our problem. There is so much of a history, here, I'd need to write a novel. Any insight from anyone would be helpful at this point.

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm just curious why you're clinging to this man like grim death?

 

I mean, it's not like you're financially dependent on him. If anything, he needs YOU more than you need him since he needed your insurance (what a romantic proposal that must have been...not).

 

I left a verbally and emotionally abusive man who was in very poor health. You put up with so much abuse at their hands and you allow them to continually scrape away your dignity but everyone has their limit - and I'd reached mine.

 

I wasn't put on this earth to be ANYONE's punching bag (figure of speech - he wasn't physically abusive). That's not what I was put here for.

 

YOU weren't put on this earth to indulge him by shunning your own flesh and blood daughters just to please his sorry ass.

 

Do you honestly think you're going to change him? You're not. He IS who he is and when he dies, he'll be the same man he's always been. If you really insist on staying with him, then sadly, it's going to be YOU whose going to have to find a way to continually eat the sh*t sandwich he keeps serving u to you.

 

A word to the wise - if you continue to sacrifice and compromise your relationship with your daughters just to please this ass, you're going to live to regret it.

 

THAT'S a promise.

 

So you need to ask yourself honestly - what are you GAINING by allowing him to systematically destroy your relationship with your daughters? Honestly - what are you GAINING?

[Lois_Griffin]

There is so much of a history, here, I'd need to write a novel. Any insight from anyone would be helpful at this point.

Let's be realistic.

 

You've got what - maybe 3.5 years of history?

 

You don't have a lifetime of history with this guy. 3.5 years is a drop in the bucket.

 

Your history with your daughters, however, has actual VALUE.

Edited June 4, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[Dolfin80]

Your therapist must be useless if she hasn't told you already that you are living with an abuser. He is abusing you emotionally and psychologically.

 

Does he really have cancer or is it just bull****.

 

I'd leave, no one deserves to live with abuse.

 

You felt like suicide because he is abusing you. He is the complete opposite to a loving and caring man.

[Arieswoman]

vla1120,

I am sorry to hear that your husband has stage 3 kidney cancer.

 

What treatment is he having and what is the prognosis?

[vla1120]

vla1120,

I am sorry to hear that your husband has stage 3 kidney cancer.

 

What treatment is he having and what is the prognosis?

 

He takes Sutent (3 weeks on, one week off) and will for the remainder of his life. Romantic or not, Sutent is the reason I married him. The medication costs $9,000 per month and he had to appeal to Phizer every year to gain coverage for the medication.

 

When I first met him, his oncologist would not give him a prognosis past three years. His new oncologist states that, as long as his 3-month MRIs and condition remain stable, he can live for a decade or more. Plus, if Sutent stops working, there are other daily chemotherapy medications he can try.

 

Thank you for asking.

[vla1120]

Your therapist must be useless if she hasn't told you already that you are living with an abuser. He is abusing you emotionally and psychologically.

 

Does he really have cancer or is it just bull****.

 

I'd leave, no one deserves to live with abuse.

 

You felt like suicide because he is abusing you. He is the complete opposite to a loving and caring man.

 

I love my therapist! Rather than jump right to divorce, she is trying to help me navigate this relationship on my terms (rather than his). I consider myself a strong, independent woman, as does she, and she tells me I have all the power in this relationship, I just need to start exerting that power.

 

I'm working on it. In fact, this afternoon, we discussed how he has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Unlike OCD, it cannot be managed or treated with meds. It is the core of his personality.

 

He has enough redeeming qualities that I would rather try to salvage this marriage than to kick him to the curb. I just have to remember that I hold all the cards.

[vla1120]

I just want to clarify that my therapist has acknowledged that my husband's behavior is abusive. Many would run fast and far. His sad history (lost a thriving business in Greece because his second wife was embezzling money from his business and he lost everything. She committed suicide after I met him, ironically) makes me want to stick this out and make it work. He isn't going to change. My therapist warned me of this. However, I should also NOT change to appease him (as I have). I am going to do things my way in my life, as I always have. He has the choice of either staying and dealing with it, or leaving on his own.

 

I really just wondered if anyone had advice on how to keep a marriage together when one has OC personality disorder. Thank you for all your comments. My close relationships with my daughters has alway been (and will remain) a priority for me. Always. That one is non-negotiable.

[vla1120]

Reading my threads, you would think I make this stuff up. Nope (unfortunately).

[vla1120]

I started this thread in June. I held on until September. Then I found a house for my daughters and me and moved out. I am SO much happier! I was feeling very guilty about leaving him, but after he continually blamed my daughters and continued to try to control and manipulate me, I finally had enough. It is not my fault he has cancer. It is not my fault he is anti-social and refuses to go out and meet new people. We moved into our new house on October 1st. Without me telling him where I was moving, he somehow found us and showed up at the break of dawn one morning, pounding on our door. I told him if he showed up at my home or work like that ever again, I would call the police and take out a restraining order. I am still seeing my therapist, but not because I am trying to make it work. I just get advice from her on how to deal with the guilt. He makes it easier every day. Last Saturday, I told him "No more contact." And I went radio silent. I was worried that he would freak out and show up uninvited again, but so far, he hasn't (and he better not!)

[spideywoman]

I started this thread in June. I held on until September. Then I found a house for my daughters and me and moved out. I am SO much happier! I was feeling very guilty about leaving him, but after he continually blamed my daughters and continued to try to control and manipulate me, I finally had enough. It is not my fault he has cancer. It is not my fault he is anti-social and refuses to go out and meet new people. We moved into our new house on October 1st. Without me telling him where I was moving, he somehow found us and showed up at the break of dawn one morning, pounding on our door. I told him if he showed up at my home or work like that ever again, I would call the police and take out a restraining order. I am still seeing my therapist, but not because I am trying to make it work. I just get advice from her on how to deal with the guilt. He makes it easier every day. Last Saturday, I told him "No more contact." And I went radio silent. I was worried that he would freak out and show up uninvited again, but so far, he hasn't (and he better not!)

 

Great to see your update _ I read your whole story all that once. I admire your strength and courage for "choosing" you and putting yourself and your daughters first. it is extremely sad that anyone in this day and age should still have to suffer from cancer but as you said, you didn't give it to him and his illness doesn't excuse or mitigate his behavior towards you and your family.

 

you know you did the right thing. stay strong and don't fall back into it. i'm sure this isn't the last you heard of him. i have a feeling he's not too fond of women right now given his history with wife #2.

[vla1120]

Thank you, Spideywoman. So far, so good. He is trying hard to draw me back in, but I won't have it.

[mrs rubble]

My fiance can be very dominant and controlling. I recognized that in him right away and addressed it the first time it reared it's head.

He told me that "I could go out with my friend if I wanted to" one day after my girlfriend had rung and invited me out. I told him "I know I can and I will go out with my friends whenever I want to." He got the message.

He tries really hard not to be controlling but it's a part of him that comes naturally, so I still have to remind him from time to time that I am a strong independent person.

I had some friends in fits of laughter one day after he'd organised for me to go somewhere without asking me. In the meantime some friends asked me to a party, so I said yes to that. Later he joined me with these friends and they asked him to the party, he said "No, we have already organised to go to (other place)". I said "You may be, but I'm going to the party".

 

Good on you for standing up for yourself, next time confronted by a man like this, remember how good it feels to stand true to yourself.

[Methodical]

He is a manipulative control freak. He may have health issues, but your insurance was not his only agenda for rushing things. Read what you have written. This man has gotten you to go against everything you taught your children. He wants you to cut contact with them. Now, if they were leeches, I'd understand, but having to check in with him while you are spending quality time with them....Oh, hell no! You have attempted suicide because of this man. This is SERIOUS. You reached a point where you felt death was better than living.

 

It's time for you to go back to square one. Practice what you have preached. Set up a bank acct in your name. No, scratch that. Open a safe deposit box and put your cash in there so that he can't get half.

 

Don't allow him to come between you and your children. If he doesn't want to be around them, fine. As a matter of fact, you need to spend time away from him. Time with ppl who love you and can see what you can't.

 

I suspect his actions drove his past wives away. They got out while they could. You nearly ended your life. Leave. Run. Get far away from him.

[Buddhist]

The measure of our strength isn't in what we are willing to put up with but what we are willing to give up to be true to ourselves. You may love him, but what are you allowing as a result of that? You have three wonderful daughters to fill your life, and a man who is both dependant upon you and attempting to monopolise you. Stage three cancer or not, you don't need to acquiesce to his illness.

 

His cancer is not the reason you want to leave him, that's a separate issue that has nothing to do with this. You want to be true to yourself, keep your freedom and your relationships with your daughters. That's a different thing completely. You do have the right to say no, and the power to walk away. I personally would not have married a man who insisted that I give him access to my finances. But that's just me. I would certainly walk away from any man who attempted to interfere in my relationship with my family. No-one is worth losing those relationships over.

[Bufo]

Have you seen a lawyer to discuss divorce in your specific situation?

 

The reason I ask is that if you decide on divorce, he may use his illness as a reason for financial support. Is he working or able to work? If not, why hasn't he applied for disability through Social Security or it's equivalent wherever he lives? And the same for medical benefits?

 

From his point of view, life has handed him a whole bunch of lemons and this recent separation is another whole branch on that bunch of lemons. Don't expect him to behave honorably or even rationally.

 

One last admonition. He may be seeking counsel to file for divorce. That would be of no advantage to you given the illness circumstances. I know you don't need more heaped on your plate right now, but you should consider these points.

[vla1120]

I just have to say, when I saw "Bufo", I thought it was my husband because that was always the name of his male cats he had in Greece! My heart stopped for a moment. Right now, he is healthy enough to work. You bring up some good points, though. I will consider them. Thank you for your sound advice.