What would you do?

[brienoch]

Okay, this might be long, so bear with me. I'm new here. I'm going to describe a string of instances from my relationship and ask for advice.

 

I am 25, and I currently live with my ex-boyfriend/pseudo-boyfriend whatever he is, we're sort of in a weird place. Here's the gist of our relationship:

 

-I had gotten dumped, and then he came around, we started talking but he was deployed overseas in Japan.

-We both ended up in our hometown at the same time (I for Spring Break, he returning from Japan), we started hanging out (we knew each other in middle school).

-He wanted me to be his girlfriend but I wasn't ready yet, especially since he had to go back to CA to his duty station and I was still in college in FL.

-We kept in touch, and he flew me out to CA to visit him right before I graduated from university. I decided to make it official at that point.

-A few months later, I moved to CA and in with him.

-It got rocky, he was insecure and didn't trust me. He would be mad if I dressed up or went out with friends, made me promised not to cheat on him over and over (as if it was something I was planning) because his ex cheated on him.

-I discovered he had a Plenty of Fish account (these were the days before Tinder)... I actually saw the app on his phone in passing when he was trying to show me something. Once I saw he had the app on his phone, I went on the website to try and find his profile and BAM there it was. Talking about how he's in the Navy and likes to DJ, and isn't looking for anything serious. His profile picture was one I took of him and our dog. He said he had that before we started dating and he just never deleted it, but that he hasn't been on it since. I knew that was a lie because his profile picture was obviously recent since I'm the one who took it. PLUS he wasn't DJing before he met me. That was also a new hobby. I accepted his answer regardless and we moved on.

-Later on, I found the same profile, again updated with more pictures. He said it wasn't him!!! I made him log in and delete his account at this point, furious. When he logged in he said "I don't remember my password," to try and make it seem like he really hasn't used it in a long time.

-He went on a few more deployments and then to PA to visit his sick grandmother. At this point I became paranoid and untrusting, I checked his email and saw he was emailing women from the Casual Encounters section on Craigslist (ugh the responses were disgusting), I took a screenshot and sat on it for a few days. When I finally did confront him he again said I didn't do that, which I expected, so I brought up the screenshot, and I asked honestly who else would want to log into your email and talk to women on CL? He took my laptop and deleted it from my computer, said I didn't need to see it. Again, we just moved on.

-Still later, when I was doing laundry and things felt better, I came across a notepad in his flight suit, I skimmed through it and discovered a list of "People I F**KED"... like 4 pages (WAY MORE than he said he'd slept with when we met) of women, some without names (Thailand 1, Thailand 2). My name was toward the end of the list, but it wasn't the last one. After me was some girl we met at a bar once while on a date, "Boone", "Lecia from Fallon", and "helo pilot from Hawaii." Idk who any of these chicks are but Fallon & Hawaii were his last two deployments. I confronted him, he said he slept with those people before he met me and forgot about them so he added them to the end of the list.

-Later on, he accused me of cheating with a guy friend from work, which I never did, and then broke up with me a little later citing that he felt like we were going through the motions. I lost my job a week or two later and he got out of the military around the same time. We remained living together. I spent months trying to get over it and reclaim my sanity and once I finally did, he decides he loves me and wants to get back together.

-He does not have a job but goes to school on his GI Bill. I have a new job that I love. He is also very unstable now and depressed. I still love him but not in the same way, I care about him a lot and things are okay between us right now. They don't feel awkward unless he tries to be affectionate, he makes me laugh, and we've been living together so long that it feels normal. It's been three years since I moved out here. At this point, I'm just not sure what to do, should I give it another try? I don't trust him, and I don't care what he does anymore as far as seeing other women, which, ironically, I know he's not doing right now. But if I were to give him another chance, would he continue to be exclusive with me or "once a cheater, always a cheater". I know I could fall in love with him again, if I am able to trust him. But I also know I'd enjoy the freedom of not being with him. I also know that my neighbor/one of our closest friends has feelings for me.

 

I really don't want to hurt him and I can't face his reaction. If I move out he'll have to go back to FL most likely, he'd lose everything he's working on right now (school, his dog, working on a career in stand up comedy)... I really do enjoy our time together, but I also need time alone which I just don't get. I'm not sure what to think or do. Should I move out and end it? Should I give him another chance?

[SammySammy]

I believe good relationships require mutual love, trust, respect and acceptance. It doesn't appear you have any of those with this man.

 

What would I do?

 

I wouldn't let anyone piss on my head and tell me its raining. This guy disrespects you and takes you for granted. At this point in my life, I refuse to tolerate being mistreated.

 

As I've said before, my SO has two choices: be good or be gone.

 

I would facilitate this guy's decision and remove him from my life.

[Space Ritual]

Should I give him another chance?

 

Hell no.

 

I'd have been gone after the first round of lies over the POF stuff.

 

Life is far too short to subject yourself to such BS. Who the hell cares if he loses his stand up comedy career? He made this mess and you hold him accountable for his actions by voting with your feet and walking out. Continue the relationship with him at your peril.

[smackie9]

A turd painted gold is still a turd. There is nothing of value here worth saving.

[Satu]

No, definitely don't give him another chance.

 

He's a very shady character.

[ChickiePops]

You've taught him that he can get away with anything because you will always bury your head in the sand, pretend to swallow his lies even though you clearly know they are lies, and let it all go.

 

If you stay with him, expect to be dealing with this lying, cheating behavior for the rest of your life.

[DevotedBaker54]

Wow! You two have a interesting history! I think a healthy relationship involves trust and respect, which cheating does not fulfill either of those requirements. You deserve someone who values and loves you.

As far as the living situation goes, he can always find a new roommate. If you're worried about him paying for rent he can always get a part-time job. It's not fair if you are having to pay for everything.

I hope it all works out for you