Divorce because of Infertility

[formerwife1511]

This is my very first time posting on any sort of forum, as I have been embarrassed since my marriage ended in July of 2014. My divorce was finalized in October 2015 and since then have not been able to let this go.

 

We were together for 20 years.

 

I went through 6 years of fertility treatments, only to find out it would be impossible to have children. When we found out the news, I suggested adoption and my husband (at the time) said that would be fine, but he still needed to have a child of his own. Adoption would not be enough. Since then, he left me. And I am still to this day struggling to come to terms with it. It is not my fault my body cannot do what women are supposed to do and I want to know after al this time how to deal with it. He started seeing someone four months after I moved most of my stuff out of the house we bought together in Brooklyn, which was 4 months after our marriage ended.

 

What do I do...

[Tayla]

Does the dissolution state this as the reason? I ask because my niece is infertile and when she divorced it had zero to do with that . They were both a bit understanding of how hard it effected them , so no mud was tossed on that medical determination. Instead it boiled down to them adopting and him not being able to share his wife with their new child. How's that for a reason to divorce? Point being, we have a tendency to want to conclude one thing when it may have been other resolution or compatibility that created the demise.

 

As we told our niece her heart was always in the right place. I think yours is to. Be good to yourself .. You deserve to treat yourself well. Do so . Peace be yours.

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

You say that you've, "Not been able to let it go."

 

That makes me wonder if you are suffering from an incomplete or absent grieving process.

 

Thats just my first thought.

 

 

Do you feel you that you have grieved the loss of your marriage, and the failure of the fertility treatment?

[jakrbbt]

Welcome OP, and my heart goes out to you.

 

I think it's fortunate in a way that you did not have a child with this man, especially if that child turned out to have a disability or illness or even some kind of intense but typical teenage difficulties... Because I think that even then, your now-ex would have left the marriage over that, too. I'm sure he loved you and probably still does. But he does not have the skills or ability to take life as it comes and to take family as it comes. When you have a child you sign on for the idea that your child could be sick, could even die, it could be someone you never expected. Similarly, when you have a spouse you sign up for the idea that they could get sick, could die, could be unable to have children, what have you. This man wanted something very specific and he is probably not even too accurate about what that is-- he had some misguided idea that passing on one's biological material is more important than raising a child, whoever they are biologically, with a chosen spouse in a committed relationship?? That's a person who cannot stick with family through life's unexpected. He would not have been a reliable father for your child even if you'd had one, and then you'd have had to have your heart ache for two. The things you can control-- choosing and fostering a healthy relationship-- are the opposite of what he wanted to control. The things you can't control-- biology-- are the things he wanted control over.

 

You are a very, very worthy partner who was a sure bet because you stayed with him all those years and underwent all that fertility treatment and looked into adopting. The reason you grieve (because you value family and your love was true) is the same reason you'll heal. The key is forming meaningful relationships-- family, community, what have you.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

I can empathize since my exW and I faced the same infertility issues in our M. If my mom hadn't gotten demented and impelled me into the caregiving role, we probably would have adopted.

 

Given your circumstances, with feelings surrounding infertility as well as the ending of your M, if you feel stuck, I'd suggest a professional psychologist who has experience with issues like infertility, something that can go to the core of a person since part of our function as an organism is to reproduce. Think of it as acquiring a toolbox to help you cope and get to a healthy place with this.

 

Not all men have the perspective your exH did about adoption. Also, if you were married 20 years, you're likely in your 40's so men of that age group, or mine (50's) are either fathers or have moved on from the children thing if not. Hence, your infertility, if untreatable, will be less of an issue, if any at all, with men you might date.

 

It'll work out. You still have a lot of life ahead and, from my chair, it's a pretty cool place to be. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I went through 6 years of fertility treatments, only to find out it would be impossible to have children.

 

Wow. Sometimes in life, no good deed goes unpunished.

 

I've seen friends go through the process so I have some sense of how expensive, invasive and painful it is. It's OK to grieve and be sad, you've been through a lot. Nothing to offer you but support and empathy but you'll find that in good measure here. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Welcome! You aren't alone here. Dealing with that has got to be tough. I have no words of wisdom for you but am more than happy to listen...errrr...read I guess....if you want to talk about it.

[formerwife1511]

i think you all have given me some incredible insight - and have echoed the sentiment of my dearest friends which is that this is somewhat of a grieving process.

 

Their focus was for me, but in the last year or so, they have also said it was a grieving process for them which gave me some perspective. After being in my life for 20 years, I was a bit disappointed in myself that I didn't see that before it was called out, but my friends assured me it was a time for me to be selfish.

 

My friends also question whether he was cheating on me prior to our splitting up. I refuse to believe it - he was a good man and I want to commit to the fact that he wouldn't have hurt me like that. Call it denial - but that is what I chose to believe.

 

Thank you for such a quick response - it has been a really positive close to my day.

[Tressugar]

I hear of many cases like yours except with a twist that once they leave their partner and move on the next that woman (you) becomes pregnant with someone else's baby. Men make women think it's their fault when it could be an incompatibility sperm/egg combination.

 

Two women I personally know this has happened to. The minute they left their no good husbands they found the loves of their lives and each of them became pregnant. Stress also causes the body to shut down

[PegNosePete]

What do I do...

What you do, is find someone who is not such a giant douche bag!

 

Did he not understand the part in the marriage vow that talks about "in sickness and in health"?

 

He clearly didn't want a wife. He wanted a baby machine. You did everything you possibly could to have kids but nature decided it was not meant to be, and he showed that he was simply not committed to YOU.

 

Whether he was cheating or not is pretty irrelevant now. He is presumably out of your life for good anyway. There's not much to be gained by dredging up the past and speculating.

[Thegameoflife]

What you do, is find someone who is not such a giant douche bag!

 

Did he not understand the part in the marriage vow that talks about "in sickness and in health"?

 

He clearly didn't want a wife. He wanted a baby machine. You did everything you possibly could to have kids but nature decided it was not meant to be, and he showed that he was simply not committed to YOU.

 

Whether he was cheating or not is pretty irrelevant now. He is presumably out of your life for good anyway. There's not much to be gained by dredging up the past and speculating.

 

I don't think your comment is very fair. My wife and I have been trying to have kids for 5 years. We've done most fertility treatments. It has been very hard on both of us emotionally, and financially. If this man went through 6 years of treatments with her before finally leaving, he's hardly a douche bag. Dealing with a women who is hopped up on hormones, obsessed with her infertility, channelling family resources to a goal that has consumed her, is hard. Watching your dreams of having children pass bye, when you are capable of having that dream with someone else, is hard to swallow.

 

I empathise with both of them. It's a very hard and trying thing to go through, and divorce is a pretty common outcome. I'm in her ex's position, and I really don't know what to do.

[funnyman7878]

sorry to hear your situation. This is not my definition of marriage. I would not leave someone I loved because they were infertile even if she was my girlfriend let alone my wife! But everyone is different and you just have to find a man that will accept you 100% and will not leave you for something that isn't in your control.

[sunny122]

I'm so sorry, this must be very painful. Even infertility on its own is painful enough.

 

I want a child, but I personally wouldn't leave my husband if he turned out to be infertile, because he didn't ask to be infertile. Then again, we already know I may be infertile, and he has said that he won't be leaving me if it turns out that I am. I hope that you find someone who accepts all of you.

[minimariah]

If this man went through 6 years of treatments with her before finally leaving, he's hardly a douche bag.

 

wrong.

 

that really doesn't mean much & that's the EASIEST role -- he dealt with her because he wanted the kids, not because he loved her & genuinely cared for her; men who look at women as human incubators and treat them that way to be douchebags, yes. intent matters and he won't get any extra points for sticking it out with his wife - that's bare MINIMUM.

 

ALSO - those who want kids BLINDLY, doesn't really matter with who... tend to be horrible parents. not knocking someone's wish down but to leave your wife as if that's a guarantee that you'll meet someone GOOD enough to have kids with...? just shows that just anout everyone with a functional uterus will do. men like that are hardly picky.

Edited June 21, 2016 by minimariah

[formerwife1511]

I hope he genuinely cared and I hope that the love we hard was real. And I hope that he didn't JUST see me as a baby machine - or a human incubator. But, he is out of my life now, so unfortunately I will never know.

 

And btw, leaving a woman for not being able to have kids naturally (but who has offered to adopt) is a 100% douchebag move - there is no question about it. Was it hard for him - probably. Doesn't change what he is.

 

My quest to find a non-douchebag continues!

Edited June 21, 2016 by formerwife1511

[jakrbbt]

I hope he genuinely cared and I hope that the love we hard was real. And I hope that he didn't JUST see me as a baby machine - or a human incubator. But, he is out of my life now, so unfortunately I will never know.

 

And btw, leaving a woman for not being able to have kids naturally (but who has offered to adopt) is a 100% douchebag move - there is no question about it. Was it hard for him - probably. Doesn't change what he is.

 

My quest to find a non-douchebag continues!

 

I'm pretty sure he loved you. Most people are more complicated than that, and it would be a real weirdo who was black-and-white enough to simply scheme to possess a baby machine, deciding in the back of their mind that they'll drop the baby machine the moment she fails to produce baby. Even a selfish person has more varied needs from a partner than that. And people confuse all kinds of needs, feedback loops et c. with love. He likely loved you to the extend he could love anybody.

 

I am not saying that he did not essentially treat you as a baby machine, by leaving you presumably to go off and reproduce. Yes, he had a bizarre notion about passing on his genes-- bizarre because he held it above having a quality family relationship. I think he had that going on, and I think he was a complex human being with other things going on too, so he probably had other reasons for being with you as long as he was. Love is not at all unlikely-- it's very likely! Love is not a perfect cure. People in "love" still behave horribly, especially if they are not quality people.

 

I see him as more lacking, than scheming. That still makes him a douchebag. He didn't have the skills or the understanding to maintain a relationship with a quality person like you, I'll put it that way. He was not a solid bet for your future, no matter how much "love" he felt for you.

 

Ah, douchebag in love . . .

 

While I can sympathize with the strong desire to have children that are biologically one's own, I put that in the same category as the desire to have children who are healthy: You can't control it completely. Biology has a hand in it. And when biology intervenes, you don't leave your family over it, unless you're confused about that. (Or are weak.) Just because you want to have healthy children, does not mean you bail on your children if they get a serious illness. That is not exactly the same as wanting your own biological child and bailing on a wife who can't produce one, but I think the comparison is illustrative.

 

It's pretty hard to get over something that was not about you, ironically. It's harder to grapple with how it happened, and how to keep it from happening again, if you didn't really cause it.

Edited June 21, 2016 by jakrbbt