Do Not Ever Chase Men

[UltimatePanacea]

This is what I have learned after being dumped by someone I really cared about. This was the relationship/the guy that I put on the pedestal and that's when I started making all the mistakes. I know this topic is beaten to death and you hear this advice from your friends/family to glossy women's magazines. IT IS TRUE! It is so true, i cannot emphasize this enough when I say chasing men only chases them away.

 

Lot of times we don't even realize that we are chasing them, we think we are being friendly or that we must show that we're interested in. There are better ways to show you're interested such as not declining their offers to date/talk/make plans/have sex. However, every time we decide to become the social director of the relationship, start making plans when they don't, initiate more contact, over-invest and over-pursue-they start losing attraction. Men are NOT wired to be chased as evolutionary/ancestral as it sounds. Men want to chase women, not to the extreme of course, I am not saying to be impossible to get and make him jump through the hoops, but if you are overly available and you are the one pursuing him-he will eventually get bored and leave. That's what happens every time.

 

He's just not that into you is the reason why he doesn't call, doesn't ask you out, doesn't marry, doesn't define the relationship and etc. IF the man is really into you-you know it, he makes it so clear. Really, men are not that complicated as we make them to be. Everything is simple: if they like you and they are ready to be in a relationship-you know it. Stop making excuses for him ( he is busy, he is tried, he is emotionally unavailable, he is dealing with work/family drama). Men always go after the woman they truly want, if not they pull away, they give you hot and cold...all because he's just not that into you.

 

So what is the solution? Well it took me several heartaches to finally figure this one out, but basically there are 2 options.

1. If you are attracted to him/in love with him you can stick around and inspire him to come to you, but you have got to stop pursuing/chasing him.

2. You walk away and date new men that are into you.

 

I was that crazy gazelle who was chasing after the lions for years finally I have realized that it was pushing them away. Here's an interesting thing: Some guys will say that they hate the games, that they hate when women play hard to get, well they don't know what they want. Subconsciously no man is attracted to masculine energy woman who does all the pursuing and chasing, there is no thrill for him. He may even agree to go out/have sex/spend some time with you, but he will never fall in love with you, you'll never gauge his true level of interest because you are in his face all the time. So save yourself the heartache and walk away/date others if you feel like you have to chase him. Most of the time YOU have to chase HIM because he's just not that into you.

Edited June 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[Stage5Clinger]

Very much disagree with the entire premise of this post and wish this girl I work with would pursue me. I feel too much like a lion in a gazelle cage and I don't want to be a predator.

[mortensorchid]

Can I get Amen?!?!! I have been there. You want something, you go after it. That is what we have been taught. As women, we think that we can have/do it all. Well, we really can't. Men say that they like it when women chase them, but they really don't. They either are or are not interested in a woman. Fact. Life is not always fair. Unfortunately for many of us, this is the means we find out about the hard way.

 

I have been criticized by people on this forum for my rules / regulations / codes I live by in this arena. But facts are facts. I wish people would prove otherwise.

[katiegrl]

Very much disagree with the entire premise of this post and wish this girl I work with would pursue me. I feel too much like a lion in a gazelle cage and I don't want to be a predator.

 

I believe it.

 

As the OP said, it's all about energy - feminine and masculine.

 

There are men who possess more feminine energy and for them (you), they prefer the woman do the pursuing.

 

In turn, they would need a woman with more masculine energy who would prefer to do the pursuing/chasing.

 

Not suggesting such men are feminine or such women are masculine... they just possess more feminine/masculine energy than their male/female counterparts.

[basil67]

I'm female and am programmed to pursue. I wouldn't agree that it never works. However, there's chasing and there's CHASING. Hard chasing of a guy who's showing low interest is a waste of energy. But asking a guy out and showing interest is OK.

 

As in all things, it must be a balance of the woman initiating and the man reciprocating. If he doesn't reciprocate, then he's not interested. And the same goes for men chasing women: If she doesn't show interest return, she's not interested.

[basil67]

I believe it.

 

As the OP said, it's all about energy - feminine and masculine.

 

There are men who possess more feminine energy and for them (you), they prefer the woman do the pursuing.

 

In turn, they would need a woman with more masculine energy who would prefer to do the pursuing/chasing.

 

Not suggesting such men are feminine or such women are masculine... they just possess more feminine/masculine energy than their male/female counterparts.

 

This is my husband and I. And in all previous long term relationships he's had, the girl was the initiator.

[Stage5Clinger]

If he doesn't reciprocate, then he's not interested. And the same goes for men chasing women: If she doesn't show interest return, she's not interested.

 

Yeah, this is true. Important to recognize it and not seek validation and allow someone to string you along.

[Buddhist]

This is what I have learned after being dumped by someone I really cared about.

 

I was that crazy gazelle who was chasing after the lions for years finally I have realized that it was pushing them away. Here's an interesting thing: Some guys will say that they hate the games, that they hate when women play hard to get, well they don't know what they want. Subconsciously no man is attracted to masculine energy woman who does all the pursuing and chasing, there is no thrill for him. He may even agree to go out/have sex/spend some time with you, but he will never fall in love with you, you'll never gauge his true level of interest because you are in his face all the time.

 

Dear God! Have you been reading PUA sites or something. A few comments....

 

- No, you chasing him did NOT change his mind about you. It did not kill his attraction, make him decide you aren't the one etc. He never felt that way about you in the first place. Accept this. If you had played the perfect prey animal it would not have changed the outcome one iota. The outcome is he isn't interested.

 

- There's a difference between asserting yourself into someone's life and being invited into someone's life. When you are invited the effort to reach out, make dates etc is reciprocal. When you assert yourself then just the other person not actively resisting that assertion does not make it an invitation.

 

- For what it's worth, I asked for a man's number, I set up dates and eventually he asked me to marry him. I was the one to call off that relationship. So sorry, this Darwinian BS about men being hardwired to be a predator animal is just BS.

 

- Men are not a separate species, to women. We are all human. We all possess the impulse to be with each other. The fact that some women assert themselves into someone's life and call that romance, does not make men a predatory animal species and women a prey animal species. It means that some women do not understand proper boundaries and then experience the results of that.

 

- If you offer candy to a kid, do you really expect the kid to decline? That is what some women do. They offer their body in the hopes of manipulating a guy into what they want. The guy takes the freely offered candy and fails to be manipulated into a relationship. This gives rise to the woman creating all sorts of ridiculous justifications as to why her manipulation tactic failed. It's this inability to take responsibility for the outcome that has led to the rise of PUA community, which is just a masterclass in manipulation techniques. That manipulation didn't work? Oh okay, well try this one instead. :roll eyes: That is what Game is, it's manipulation. If you play Game, either as predator or prey, expect to be manipulated.

 

- The advice to require reciprocation in relationships is sound. But that's got nothing to do with predators and prey. It has to do with making an honest offer of companionship to someone and then allowing them to decide if they wish to accept it or not. If the answer is no, then we accept that person's free will in the matter and move on.

 

Any other 'explanation' is just storytelling of the very dishonest kind.

[Stage5Clinger]

This is my husband and I. And in all previous long term relationships he's had, the girl was the initiator.

 

I need a girl who is in control and knows what she wants because I am cool with anything -- most girls are not cool with just anything. They either take control and tell me how to give it to them or fall by the wayside. I'm not a mind reader, you know?

[katiegrl]

This is my husband and I.

 

After reading your last post, I was thinking the exact same thing!

 

I think I have a fair amount of masculine energy too... even though I appear to be very soft and feminine (appearance, voice, the way I carry myself).

 

It often throws guys off because I need my space (more than most guys), DO NOT like be be "chased" (it suffocates me).... and I am perfectly capable of doing the initiating, making plans and taking charge.

 

But I DO need the guy to initiate early on, but I think that is mostly because I have been conditioned to believe and expect that if a man is interested he WILL do the pursuing the early stages.

 

Problem is, often times, they come on TOO strong and that is a turn off for me. Even though most women love it!

 

Once a RL has been established, I pretty much set the pace though, which is slow, steady, allowing me my "space" lol -- I have guys tell me (jokingly) that my attitude is more like how a guy would think than a girl!

 

There is this book written by Steve Harney "Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady," -- that's ME!

[TheBathWater]

I'm a man. The OP is right in many ways. I think when a woman overly pursues me, I lose interest, at least if it's in the beginning of the dating phase (the first few weeks/dates).

 

For me and guys like me, I think the best arrangement is to have a woman who signals her availability, is open to advances, accepts offers to meet, and also signals she is not available to other men besides me. That is, if we're talking relationship interest and not something casual.

 

After a few dates/weeks though, if she has not started initiating contact to get together, I stop chasing and put my efforts elsewhere.

 

Dating is like a back-and-forth ping pong match. There has to be some reciprocity in the dance. Both sides do make it WAY harder than it has to be (just read the advice on this forum - I think it only complicates the natural process of mating and courtship).

 

So that's my two cents if you want a relationship and you're a woman. Let the man pursue and make the dates for the first few weeks/meetings, and then after that you kick it up a little stronger. Do not play games and suggest he has competition or that there are other guys if you want an LTR. There have been studies on this phenomena in social psychology - men don't like women who play hard to get with them when they want a relationship, but they DO like women who play hard to get with OTHER men besides them.

[Shanex]

Ive rarely chased women because the few times I have tried, things didnt work out the way I wanted. I dont mean rejection but they were rather expecting me to initiate all the time which I eventually figured out later and was even confirmed by some friends and more importantly female friends. Im not capable to do that.

 

The realisation that the women or girls Ive been with before were rather the one chasing me... Not the other way round. When the contact has been initiated and implying Im very interested, yes I am responsive and will show interest, sometimes overly but I was young and suffered from the White Knight syndrome.

 

That probably put me in the 'beta' guys.. Being an introvert and not chasing women every other weekends. As such, I might attract different women too.

 

I can only disagree with this thread and even more so its title being unconventional myself because I dont believe chasing men as a woman make them all wh*res or equate to putting men on a pedestal.

 

On the other hand Ive been 'creeped out' occasionally by women chasing me or telling me the L Word way too soon. Yes, men are as much complicated it seems.

[Dark Horse]

I honestly think it's perfectly okay for women to do the approaching and do the initiating. For several reasons.

 

What if the guy is the shy and quiet type? You could possibly miss out on a really great guy if you wait for him to approach you because he may actually be too scared to do it. Not to mention, that it could give him a confidence boost because shy men are often shy because they have low-confidence in their abilities to attract women or they have an intense fear of rejection.

 

 

As a shy guy, I always like it when girls talk to me first. It's a major confidence boost.

[katiegrl]

I honestly think it's perfectly okay for women to do the approaching and do the initiating. For several reasons.

 

What if the guy is the shy and quiet type? You could possibly miss out on a really great guy if you wait for him to approach you because he may actually be too scared to do it. Not to mention, that it could give him a confidence boost because shy men are often shy because they have low-confidence in their abilities to attract women or they have an intense fear of rejection.

 

 

As a shy guy, I always like it when girls talk to me first. It's a major confidence boost.

 

Yup.... feminine energy vs. masculine energy. Doesn't matter who has how much of which.... just as long as both your energies balance each other's out.

[bathtub-row]

I say it all the time but some people love to argue with me about it. Until they get burned. It almost always backfires on a woman when she pursues a guy. It's an extremely bad idea.

[VeveCakes]

If someone isn't interested because you chased them, they just aren't that into you. Has nothing to do with games.

[carhill]

IDK, I might find a lady asking me out to lunch to be a bit intriguing, and on that basis would probably agree, but do side with the folks who feel chasing a man is unhealthy. If he's not a clear yes, move on. If a woman ever asks me to lunch I guess I'll take the test. Don't know until it happens.

[UltimatePanacea]

If someone isn't interested because you chased them, they just aren't that into you. Has nothing to do with games.

MY personal experience: I meet him, he is attracted to me, he asks me out, there is strong sexual chemistry, I get too excited and start initiating more than him, texting more than him, I start talking about the future before him, re-arranging my schedule for him, I use the L word first and etc...Time goes on and he starts losing interest. Now if he wasn't that into me in the beginning nothing would've started and it certainly wouldn't last for a year. So yes, I did chase him away and this is very very common.

If the guy is just not that into/is not attracted he does not tell you that he is and certainly there could be no chemistry and it usually ends within a month or sooner. My situation, however, is different. There was a potential and I blew it with over-pursuing and over-initiating.

I admit, I have masculine energy though I am a woman. In this day and age we are taught that as women we should be go-getters and not be passive, but NOT chasing, coercing or convincing men to be with you is not passive, it's just simply knowing your value and focusing your energy elsewhere.

So yes, chasing men DOES kill initial attraction and potential to have a relationship with him. Approaching the guy first or initiating things here and there is NOT what I am discussing here. I am talking about regular pursuit, regular calling/initiating/making plans MORE than him, it's about the balance.

[UltimatePanacea]

IDK, I might find a lady asking me out to lunch to be a bit intriguing, and on that basis would probably agree, but do side with the folks who feel chasing a man is unhealthy. If he's not a clear yes, move on. If a woman ever asks me to lunch I guess I'll take the test. Don't know until it happens.

Well initiating once or twice does no harm, I am talking about really being the social director of the relationship and leaving no thrill/excitement at all, when the woman (or the man) is just too predictable, too available. See, naturally busy people who have a life will turn down a few dates here and there, but the woman who is super excited about their new date and mentally are way ahead of themselves start chasing and it always ends badly. Yes, there are some exceptions to the rule, but it is safer to assume that we're the rule and not the exception. High value women do not chase, convince or coerce no man into wanting to be with her/step up/take the relationship to the next level. If it's not happening it means he's not that into you or does not want commitment at this point of his life, chasing will kill the romance the thrill the desire...everything. Don't believe? Try it on your current partner and see their reaction.

[UltimatePanacea]

Very much disagree with the entire premise of this post and wish this girl I work with would pursue me. I feel too much like a lion in a gazelle cage and I don't want to be a predator.

Interesting...you WISH she pursued you, means she is NOT chasing you therefore you are intrigued and attracted, you're a man and "winning" your special lady is the prize for you. I bet once that girl you work with shows some interest on a consistent basis and starts chasing you-the thrill will be gone, you'll get bored of her and move onto the next one.

[katiegrl]

MY personal experience: I meet him, he is attracted to me, he asks me out, there is strong sexual chemistry, I get too excited and start initiating more than him, texting more than him, I start talking about the future before him, re-arranging my schedule for him, I use the L word first and etc...Time goes on and he starts losing interest. Now if he wasn't that into me in the beginning nothing would've started and it certainly wouldn't last for a year. So yes, I did chase him away and this is very very common.

If the guy is just not that into/is not attracted he does not tell you that he is and certainly there could be no chemistry and it usually ends within a month or sooner. My situation, however, is different. There was a potential and I blew it with over-pursuing and over-initiating.

I admit, I have masculine energy though I am a woman. In this day and age we are taught that as women we should be go-getters and not be passive, but NOT chasing, coercing or convincing men to be with you is not passive, it's just simply knowing your value and focusing your energy elsewhere.

So yes, chasing men DOES kill initial attraction and potential to have a relationship with him. Approaching the guy first or initiating things here and there is NOT what I am discussing here. I am talking about regular pursuit, regular calling/initiating/making plans MORE than him, it's about the balance.

 

Hey UP ..... try doing what I do...which actually comes naturally to me but can be learned.

 

Men need space and distance. They are notorious for it.

 

So channel your masculine energy in that direction.......stop chasing and maintain your distance.

 

At least in the early stages.

 

Trust me men will be banging your door down trying to pin you down. Continue maintaining a safe distance and keep him moving *toward* you. You can initiate sometimes sure but again always maintain a certain distance and he will be yours.....

 

If you can do this, not another man will ever fade on you or god forbid ghost you.

 

You can also channel your masculine energy to think like a man. No histrionics, no emotional outbursts, no freak-outs cuz he hasn't called or texted in 24 hours, learn to be a cool chick, you know like guys are! Cool somewhat aloof.

 

But you are still feminine, sexy and girly don't ever lose sight of that.

 

The dichotomy will keep him intrigued and again moving torward you... instead of wanting to run away from you.

[UltimatePanacea]

Dear God! Have you been reading PUA sites or something. A few comments....

 

- No, you chasing him did NOT change his mind about you. It did not kill his attraction, make him decide you aren't the one etc. He never felt that way about you in the first place. Accept this. If you had played the perfect prey animal it would not have changed the outcome one iota. The outcome is he isn't interested.

I can say with 100% certainty that this particular man in my life WAS interested since he asked me out first and was quite consistent with compliments and date ideas. AS the relationship progressed I started switching roles with him which turned him off and killed his attraction. As my attachment and chasing increased his interest in me decreased: you see the negative correlation? My behavior changed his beavior or impacted it heavily. I mean come on, it is no surprise that needy/clingy women lose the man. There are movies about it and it is happening in our real lives every day.

Another thing, when the guy first meets the girl within the initial stages he doesn't know what he wants yet, he is still "studying" her he is observing, doing his little test to see if she is gf material. That's when we mess up: overpurshing overinvesing and chasing them away.

[katiegrl]

I actually think chasing behavior is more feminine energy.

 

It comes from insecurity and results in anxiety, clingyness, need for reassurance.

 

Men actually don't chase they pursue, there is a difference.

 

Chasing is desperate, need for reassurance and pursuing is confidence..

[UltimatePanacea]

Several things made me come up with this already-confirmed theory that chasing men is one sure way to lose him:

1. Once he told me in a conversation that I had masculine energy...I thought it was a compliment back then...

2. He wanted me to "Act hesitant" within our sexual play

3. there were phases where I would get naturally busy and initiate less or be slightly out of reach and guess what-he was back on!

4. The reason why this man ended things with me was because "he couldn't deliver what I deserved"

5. A very similar thing happened to my best friend last year she got dumped 2 weeks after talking about marriage. Literally..2 weeks later, you guys.

6. This advice has been around till this day because it WORKS!

[katiegrl]

Several things made me come up with this already-confirmed theory that chasing men is one sure way to lose him:

1. Once he told me in a conversation that I had masculine energy...I thought it was a compliment back then...

2. He wanted me to "Act hesitant" within our sexual play

3. there were phases where I would get naturally busy and initiate less or be slightly out of reach and guess what-he was back on!

4. The reason why this man ended things with me was because "he couldn't deliver what I deserved"

5. A very similar thing happened to my best friend last year she got dumped 2 weeks after talking about marriage. Literally..2 weeks later, you guys.

6. This advice has been around till this day because it WORKS!

 

No. 3 --- yes! You got it girl!