wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 telling her in a therapy session is a good idea, as she will have someone to provide her with some support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Isn't it down to her to make that call, though? In the case she does ask for full disclosure, doesn't she deserve to know the exact reasons as to why her marriage has fallen apart, if only so she doesn't repeat the same mistakes with someone else later on? What if the truth comes to her later on, from a third party? OP is hurting her already by leaving her anyway. This discussion gets debated quite often on this site. The problem is, people make the assumption that the BS actually wants to hear the facts. Not everyone wants to know. In my opinion, it just causes unnecessary pain. And, no, since it's his lie, she doesn't get to decide. Whether he tells her or not, he's the one that decides for her. This is just a harsh truth. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 " I want a divorce because I have come to realise I am not cut out for monogamy and cannot remain faithful." That way you tell her enough of the truth to put the blame where it belongs rather than leaving her to wonder what she did wrong. Any further details she needs she can ask for. This statement is a good way to break the news. It takes responsibility for the situation, provides some background without getting to far into the down and dirty details. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) This discussion gets debated quite often on this site. The problem is, people make the assumption that the BS actually wants to hear the facts. Not everyone wants to know. In my opinion, it just causes unnecessary pain. And, no, since it's his lie, she doesn't get to decide. Whether he tells her or not, he's the one that decides for her. This is just a harsh truth. In my opinion, this is some of the worst possible advice for this situation. When someone is married, they are one half of something larger than themselves. this is not his lie to keep to himself. He has several other people to consider, especially his children. He can either tell her the truth and give her the gift of being able to emotionally detach from him far more easily, or keep his extracurricular activities to himslef and just tell her he wants a divorce, If he does that, he'll burden her with forever wondering what it was that she did wrong to drive him away. Edited June 7, 2016 by wmacbride 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 This discussion gets debated quite often on this site. The problem is, people make the assumption that the BS actually wants to hear the facts. Not everyone wants to know. In my opinion, it just causes unnecessary pain. And, no, since it's his lie, she doesn't get to decide. Whether he tells her or not, he's the one that decides for her. This is just a harsh truth. Yeah, but just leaving her and not telling her why? So she can think it was something she did, then? It's the rare human being that would just accept that and not ask questions or put it on themselves. He has to give her some insight into the why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 It happens! There are women out there (and men too) that just need their spouse for appearances and the money. It is possible his wife may not care that much! For him or about what he's been doing? She could potentially say I don't care that much about you - just bring me your paycheck and pretend like you're a good husband when you're here... It happens... Totally 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 It happens! There are women out there (and men too) that just need their spouse for appearances and the money. It is possible his wife may not care that much! For him or about what he's been doing? She could potentially say I don't care that much about you - just bring me your paycheck and pretend like you're a good husband when you're here... It happens... Very true. Some women do not care about a cheating husband as long as he keeps supplying a good lifestyle and appearances are kept up. I couldn't live that way but I realize that some women care more about how they are perceived by others than a faithful husband. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Personally, I believe God can help you change, but you have to want God's help, and you have to endure mental suffering by voluntarily not allowing your mind to lust after other women. Not every man or woman is strong enough to change; it truly takes strength to do so, supernatural strength - in my opinion. Sexual addictions are just as difficult to repent from as heroin addiction is for some people. Unfaithfulness has become your drug of choice, and in order to get free from it, it will be painful emotionally and mentally, but cleansing spiritually - in my opinion. I agree with you but I also realize that not everyone believes in God; faith based advice will go in through one ear and out the other in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I plan to tell her today in therapy. I went this morning to talk it through and she's going to go with me this afternoon. Good for you. Please don't chicken out. Be honest about why you are leaving. After the divorce is final, do not marry again unless you and your next wife agree to a polyamorous relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Go buy the largest box of domino's you see and put them standing up back to back until you have the last one. Then just drop the first one and just watch them all crumble. Thats about to be your life weather you tell your wife or not....why do I say such things, becouse in the end we all get what we deserve. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Moxie Lady Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 We will see... I don't see how anyone could stay with and support a spouse who has done what I have, over so many years. I have been having sex with other women for almost the whole relationship and our whole marriage. I slept with two other women the night before our wedding for gods sake. She needs someone better, not a decade wasted with me. Who does this? This is worse than a Lifetime movie. It almost sounds like you are proud of it and bragging. This isnt sex addiction, even an "addict" can keep it in his pants the night before his wedding. This is just some guy whose sorry ego depends on dipping his wick in strange random women. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) Yes... And not everyone believes in marriage - and the vows they take... I never understood the point of getting married and then having affairs. It seems like it would have been better for the OP to stay single. Of course, that would have also meant that he couldn't have the joy of an admiring wife and children while living the single life during his time away from home. I suppose some people are greedy and feel entitled to fun on the side. With respect to advising the OP not to share every detail with his wife, it is quite common for BS to be obsessed with how infidelity transpired as well as the extent of the betrayal. I agree that the OP should not volunteer this information but I doubt that his wife will not have any follow up questions once he reveals that he cannot stay faithful. Edited June 7, 2016 by BettyDraper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 10 characters 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I never understood the point of getting married and then having affairs. It seems like it would have been better for the OP to stay single. Yeah me either. I think my WH got married for appearances so that he looked like a 'good person.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
urmysong Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I don't understand this either. Get married and having affairs. If not contented to one woman why bothers to marry? My husband keep repeating this "I am free person, I can do whatever I want and I can talk whatever I want". Why did he marry me if he wants to stay free. Maybe they just want or like having to call a wife.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Everyone knows things on a deeper level than they will often acknowledge. The statement is a compliment to our higher senses, not a way to feel superior. Most women in particular are extremely intuitive. My main point is that he may think he's pulling something over on his wife but he's really not. Wow, guess that's another example of how my second X chromosome was totally defective. I also don't like shopping for shoes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Everyone knows things on a deeper level than they will often acknowledge. The statement is a compliment to our higher senses, not a way to feel superior. Most women in particular are extremely intuitive. My main point is that he may think he's pulling something over on his wife but he's really not. It would be wonderful if this were true but sadly it's just not. And if it was, wouldn't it also apply to OW who are future faked? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 In my opinion, this is some of the worst possible advice for this situation. When someone is married, they are one half of something larger than themselves. this is not his lie to keep to himself. He has several other people to consider, especially his children. He can either tell her the truth and give her the gift of being able to emotionally detach from him far more easily, or keep his extracurricular activities to himslef and just tell her he wants a divorce, If he does that, he'll burden her with forever wondering what it was that she did wrong to drive him away. I guess I missed the part where it benefits the kids to know that their dad is a sex addict and that he screwed around on their mom constantly. Being able to detach? Again, there's the assumption that if she knows what he's done, she'll leave him. Most likely she would stay with him. It happens ALL THE TIME. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 It would be wonderful if this were true but sadly it's just not. And if it was, wouldn't it also apply to OW who are future faked? I was thinking the same thing. 100%. I don't think we have "all of the intuitive knowledge of the universe" at our fingertips. Plus we are blind for 40 minutes a day. It's not like we are infallible by any stretch. You?re completely blind for 40 minutes a day. | Did You Know? The irony is that I'm sure most people believe that they can get a lie by their spouse. Yet, somehow, their spouse "must know the truth." Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I guess I missed the part where it benefits the kids to know that their dad is a sex addict and that he screwed around on their mom constantly. Being able to detach? Again, there's the assumption that if she knows what he's done, she'll leave him. Most likely she would stay with him. It happens ALL THE TIME. As in: by cheating on his wife, he's screwing his children over as well. And frankly, as the daughter of an adulterer, I got the 'pleasure' of discovering my father's adultery. The longer he screws around on his wife, the more likely something ] like that will happen. Talk about damaging..... There was another incident on LS where the son looked at his Dad's phone and found out. And the father fed his kid a string of BS about it. As that kid gets older, he will know what a lying, ahem [adulterer] his father is. And that may normalize how he treats women. Or he just might hate and resent his father or mother. Or all of the above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I wonder if things went according to plan in the therapy session. I hope so for the everyone's sake. Everyone - OP included. After all that's been said and done, I honestly am impressed at OP's quick response and tactical handling of the disclosure in the therapist's office. Call it whatever, using the therapist was a good idea imho. The guidance will be helpful if there are to be survivors. Everyone will need help with what's important now and what's not, what to do tomorrow and the next day and the next. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I guess I missed the part where it benefits the kids to know that their dad is a sex addict and that he screwed around on their mom constantly. Being able to detach? Again, there's the assumption that if she knows what he's done, she'll leave him. Most likely she would stay with him. It happens ALL THE TIME. One of the first questions she will probably ask when he tells her he wants a divorce is "why". are you suggesting he lie to her? say he's not happy? She'll just keep asking why and blaming herself. The children need both parents to be as mentally healthy as possible Having a mother who is left blaming herself for the failure of her marriage to their father doesn't exactly set the stage for that happening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Joh, how did it go? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joh Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 I told her everything in therapy session. She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said she needed time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. get help, I need time to process and think'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I told her everything in therapy session. She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said she needed time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. get help, I need time to process and think'. you did the honorable, right thing. "quit your job" sounds like she's blaming the job. I hope you spent the rest of the session with the therapist. I also wonder if there is a group that you could join for your problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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