I’m addicted to cheating on my wife [updated 2016-06-14]

[understand50]

I told her everything in therapy session. She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said she needed time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. get help, I need time to process and think'.

 

Joh,

 

You did the brave and honorable thing. No matter what happen going forward, you can face it know you are not hiding. This took guts, and I know you feel bad right now, but you can have a better future. It will take hard work, but it is yours.

 

I wish you luck......

[BettyDraper]

It could be that your wife was so shocked that she told you to quit your job as a knee jerk reaction.

 

I'm glad that she is taking time to plan her next move. That's a smart decision considering the blow your wife has just taken.

 

I feel so sorry for her. I'm glad that you told your wife the truth.

[Mr. Lucky]

It could be that your wife was so shocked that she told you to quit your job as a knee jerk reaction.

 

I think it was a natural reaction, she's doing the same thing almost every BS does on D-Day - think like a spouse. You haven't yet processed that your marriage has been torn asunder so your immediate thought is to limit access to the AP(s). HB and the "pick me" drill often follow.

 

Watch out a couple of days from now when she's had time to think things through ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

It could be that your wife was so shocked that she told you to quit your job as a knee jerk reaction.

 

 

This.

 

I said the same thing. Immediately. Even though that would have had severe consequences for us and our family. I didn't care. I just needed SOMETHING to happen in that moment that I felt benefited ME and I wasn't yet ready to understand that her quitting her job would result in nothing except reduced income, more stress, blah blah blah...

 

I don't judge the wife for blurting that out at all.

[Sabella]

I'm really proud you were able to finally come clean about this to your wife. I know things are probably a hot mess right now, but you did the right thing. How are you feeling about things now? There will be a lot more discussion ahead for both of you, be strong and be honest. That's all you can do right now.

[heartwhole]

All you can do is put one foot in front of the other. You've opened the door to a life of healing and growth. Keep walking. Best wishes to you.

[Mr Blunt]

I told her everything in therapy session.She thought I was lying or joking. She walked out, got the kids and said sheneeded time. All I have heard from her is a text that read 'quit your job. gethelp, I need time to process and think'

 

 

 

 

She got a least one thing absolutely right,GET HELP!

 

 

 

 

You have taken the first step so now youmust be focused and greatly determined to get the right help so that you canbeat this very destructive addiction. Do not just talk the talk but walk thewalk! Your family life and emotional health is at stake!

Edited June 10, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[Joh]

All the major details. How long I had been doing it, how many women, that it was every time I went to work and I extended my stays, that it's the reason I can't have sex with her, relationships I had, certain times I cheated in our relationship (when I was stressed). How I feel before, during and after. That I can't stop. I didn't go into the finer details like exact details like she may ask for one day.

 

My therapist started the session by talking about addiction in general then that I had an addiction. My wife assumed it was gambling, then drinking, then drugs. It basically came out like "Then what [addition] is it?" "Sex" "We rarely have sex" "With other women" "Excuse me?"

 

I didn't mention divorce at all.

 

I told her the main details and she didn't stick around after that. My therapist tried to talk to her but she couldn't do it and walked out. My therapist set up another appointment next week - I'll see if she shows up. He wants me to go to an inpatient treatment so I get more help, more guidance and less temptation. He said it would be better to have my wife on board before because I won't have much if any contact with her during treatment.

 

I haven't talked to her much since that day. All she has said is if I go back to work Sunday we're done and that I need to quit and get help. I asked if she's going to go to therapy again with me but she wouldn't respond.

 

I know I need to go with my therapists recommendations. I don't want to leave things with my wife like this. I don't want to be away from my kids or have my family suffer alone. My wife told her parents, who she is staying with atm, that I have a drug addiction. It's not even what my problem is but I am more than embarrassed to be around them again.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If you don't seek help you wont be helping the situation. The only way she is going to take you seriously is if you seek treatment. Right now that is the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage.

 

It sounds like there is a glimmer of hope here, don't screw it up.

[dreamingoftigers]

All the major details. How long I had been doing it, how many women, that it was every time I went to work and I extended my stays, that it's the reason I can't have sex with her, relationships I had, certain times I cheated in our relationship (when I was stressed). How I feel before, during and after. That I can't stop. I didn't go into the finer details like exact details like she may ask for one day.

 

My therapist started the session by talking about addiction in general then that I had an addiction. My wife assumed it was gambling, then drinking, then drugs. It basically came out like "Then what [addition] is it?" "Sex" "We rarely have sex" "With other women" "Excuse me?"

 

I didn't mention divorce at all.

 

I told her the main details and she didn't stick around after that. My therapist tried to talk to her but she couldn't do it and walked out. My therapist set up another appointment next week - I'll see if she shows up. He wants me to go to an inpatient treatment so I get more help, more guidance and less temptation. He said it would be better to have my wife on board before because I won't have much if any contact with her during treatment.

 

I haven't talked to her much since that day. All she has said is if I go back to work Sunday we're done and that I need to quit and get help. I asked if she's going to go to therapy again with me but she wouldn't respond.

 

I know I need to go with my therapists recommendations. I don't want to leave things with my wife like this. I don't want to be away from my kids or have my family suffer alone. My wife told her parents, who she is staying with atm, that I have a drug addiction. It's not even what my problem is but I am more than embarrassed to be around them again.

 

I told my support people that my husband had a gambling addiction instead of a sexual addiction for a few reasons:

 

1. He went for inpatient treatment and I didn't want them to think he was some kind of deviant or criminal.

 

2. I didn't want to be blamed or it suggested that I didn't "give him enough sex" or "the right kind." The truth was he was withholding.

 

3. Gambling addiction is "more acceptable."

 

4. I was really, really embarrassed.

[Doublegold]

You did the right thing Jon, in the right setting. So many people who are sex addicts and or serial cheaters never admidt the full extent of the risky behavior they undertook. When questioned the biggest fear was losing the marital relationship. Once that was back on track the behavior resumed. I have seen it many many times with men.

 

You have a real chance here to sort yourself out. That is all you can really work on right now. Your wife will be going through so many emotions. Only time will tell what the outcome will be.

 

Personally I feel she may give the marriage a shot. Women are like that, they strive to hold it together for the family unit. And Men don't want to divorce.

 

So maybe you both will get your happy ending with time. Good Luck to you both.

[CarrieT]

You are now in a conundrum... Your wife wants you to quit your job but you have no guarantee that she or the family will still be there if you do.

 

If you do quit your job, you might be out an income *and* a wife and family.

[Steen719]

Can you take a leave of absence? For medical reasons?

[elaine567]

Can you take a leave of absence? For medical reasons?

 

OK but surely that would be even more lying to his wife..

 

OK, I quit my job honey, can you take me back?

We can work on it. You really quit the job?

Yes, I truly quit the job.

2 weeks later

Why is your boss on the line wanting to know when your medical leave finishes and when you can come back to work?

Er...

[Steen719]

Oh no, I didn't mean to lie to her. I meant as a way to start the process of being in an inpatient facility and starting treatment. He will need money coming in to support the family and I thought this might give him some start to the healing without actually quitting the job. She, with therapists help, might begin to realize the job is not the issue.

 

It is like blaming the bar where you cheating spouse goes, or the friends they have or the new woman at work or the whatever....that is not the reason they cheat. So, not going to a bar to appease someone, is one thing but not having any money to support your family is another.

 

As a BS, I would never advocate lying. Never. My life, as I knew it, was destroyed by my XH's lies.

[elaine567]

Oh no, I didn't mean to lie to her. I meant as a way to start the process of being in an inpatient facility and starting treatment. He will need money coming in to support the family and I thought this might give him some start to the healing without actually quitting the job. She, with therapists help, might begin to realize the job is not the issue.

 

It is like blaming the bar where you cheating spouse goes, or the friends they have or the new woman at work or the whatever....that is not the reason they cheat. So, not going to a bar to appease someone, is one thing but not having any money to support your family is another.

 

As a BS, I would never advocate lying. Never. My life, as I knew it, was destroyed by my XH's lies.

 

But the wife has made it as condition that he quit his job as the job gave him ample opportunity to cheat.

BUT he is in a quandary, does he quit the job and lose his income? Even if he does, she still may stay away, never forgive him and he loses his family anyway.

 

This is a big deal for his wife, this is no one off drunken ONS, this is continuing betrayal for years and possibly an addiction problem too, it will take a strong woman to get over this, without going mad.

I am sure if she told her parents the truth, this marriage would be over in two minutes after the disclosure; here, she is choosing to shoulder this burden alone and that may be in the OP's favour.

She is still shocked though, but once the anger hits she may decide to share the burden with her parents or friends and family, and that will I guess not bode so well for the OP.

I cannot imagine me telling anyone I loved to stay with a man who was a serial cheat, sex addiction or not. Sorry OP.

 

There is a very long road ahead here if they do decide to reconcile, there is no quick fix here.

[aliveagain]

She has given you her first requirements for staying in the marriage, do not go to work on Sunday, start looking for another job immediately. She needs time, give her time, she will tell you when she's ready to talk. Get tested for all STD's, give her the proof, she needs to see you doing positive things for the marriage. Start by telling her where you are at all times, send pictures from your phone as proof, let her track your whereabouts. Give her all your passwords, do not erase any of your texts until she see's them first and gives you the approval to do so. Start writing out a timeline of everything that has happened, don't go into too much detail unless she asks you for details. Seal it in a brown envelope and have it ready for her, let her decide if she wants to read it. Your words mean sh*t right now she will only believe your actions. Show her you are getting help.

[BettyDraper]

She has given you her first requirements for staying in the marriage, do not go to work on Sunday, start looking for another job immediately. She needs time, give her time, she will tell you when she's ready to talk. Get tested for all STD's, give her the proof, she needs to see you doing positive things for the marriage. Start by telling her where you are at all times, send pictures from your phone as proof, let her track your whereabouts. Give her all your passwords, do not erase any of your texts until she see's them first and gives you the approval to do so. Start writing out a timeline of everything that has happened, don't go into too much detail unless she asks you for details. Seal it in a brown envelope and have it ready for her, let her decide if she wants to read it. Your words mean sh*t right now she will only believe your actions. Show her you are getting help.

 

This. Showing complete devotion your marriage and recovering from your addiction is the first step. Since your wife said "Quit your job or we're done." she's clearly considering in the marriage with certain conditions.

 

I know that your career is not the reason for your affairs but it made it much easier to live a double life. This is why finding a new job is so important to your wife. Remember that she is in shock so her reaction is not entirely rational. That's why it seems like she's blaming your career for your behavior.

 

The million dollar question is are you truly ready to give up sex with other women? If not, then your wife needs to know that you have no intention of being faithful so that she can move on.

[Pastypop]

Well, you just stop doing it!!! Close all your secret sex accounts, merge bank accounts and cell phone accounts with your wife. Spend all your time when not working with your wife and/or kids. Get a job in a cube farm with no travel. After awhile, you will get used to it. Whenever you want to cheat, think about your own self respect. Does being a cheater and a compulsive liar feel good? Would you want others to think of you like this if all those dirty secrets came out? Do you want people going silent and avoid you at school or little league events? Do you want her family to hate you? Sex addition is a load of poo! You just stop doing it and change your behavior.

[66Charger]

The OP needs to first figure out if he can remain faithful.

 

There is no point in doing all the suggested actions, if deep inside, he knows he will repeat his actions. Dont slap your wife, and then later punch her in the gut. (Horrible horrible analogy).

 

Dont mess with your wifes head. Dont try to get back together so soon. Think about this. The worst thing you can do is work for forgiveness, receive it, and then reoffend and blame it on a "sickness"

[Doublegold]

Don't. Quit. Your. Day. Job.

 

You know what could be worse then divorce and addiction? Not having a job while trying to navigate getting through marital problems and addiction issues.

 

Plus you mentioned you and your wife maintain a certain "lifestyle" that is important to you both. No job equals no lifestyle.

 

Right now it appears you two are separated. Of course she said quit your job, but is that realistic? Best to see if you can go into a treatment center through your work health insurance, and deal with leaving the job if you have a future together.

 

Good luck to you both.

[wmacbride]

Don't. Quit. Your. Day. Job.

 

You know what could be worse then divorce and addiction? Not having a job while trying to navigate getting through marital problems and addiction issues.

 

Plus you mentioned you and your wife maintain a certain "lifestyle" that is important to you both. No job equals no lifestyle.

 

Right now it appears you two are separated. Of course she said quit your job, but is that realistic? Best to see if you can go into a treatment center through your work health insurance, and deal with leaving the job if you have a future together.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

I would expect that any therapy he receive would include a change of workplace, as staying in his current environment, at this point in time, is bad for him.

 

It's like having a person who's in therapy for being an alcohol addict work handing out free samples of beer and wine.

[Doublegold]

He wants me to go to an inpatient treatment so I get more help, more guidance and less temptation.

 

 

I agree wmacbride. If Jon takes his therapist's recommendation seriously, he will be entering an inpatient treatment center, which wouldn't include work.

 

 

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." - Lao Tzu

[bathtub-row]

Don't. Quit. Your. Day. Job.

 

You know what could be worse then divorce and addiction? Not having a job while trying to navigate getting through marital problems and addiction issues.

 

Plus you mentioned you and your wife maintain a certain "lifestyle" that is important to you both. No job equals no lifestyle.

 

Right now it appears you two are separated. Of course she said quit your job, but is that realistic? Best to see if you can go into a treatment center through your work health insurance, and deal with leaving the job if you have a future together.

 

I agree with this. Unless you have several million parked in the bank, this could be a deveststing decision. Your marriage is on extremely shaky ground and unlikely to last. The last thing you need to do is screw up another aspect of your life.

[merrmeade]

Wait a minute. I mean, I guess I agree with everything being said about treatment and reconciliation post-treatment but what evidence is there that he's ready to make such a commitment. I mean he said he wanted to change. He said he's tried. But he also was ready to give up and give her up. He didn't sound very hopeful or determined to change to me.

 

Not that I'm trying to discourage. I also agree that if he really wants to, he can. But he didn't sound like an addict ready to give up the object of his addiction to me. Not when he's still writing about it like this:

...quickly spinning deep hole that sucked me in and I couldn’t stop. I cannot get over the thrill of seeing another woman naked and touching her body and experiencing her. The thrill of not knowing if I will be caught. Having many women want and enjoy me makes me feel good. Watching another woman please me. I get turned on just thinking about possible other women I could have.

This sounds like an ode to opium to me.

 

So imho, first, he needs help, not only believing that he can change ALL of himself, but also believing that he can be HAPPY if he changes (if he lets go this thing that he finds so irresistible and intoxicating.)

 

Personally I don't know how to do that, but like everyone else I wish someone could.