Doublegold Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 You did the right thing Jon, in the right setting. So many people who are sex addicts and or serial cheaters never admidt the full extent of the risky behavior they undertook. When questioned the biggest fear was losing the marital relationship. Once that was back on track the behavior resumed. I have seen it many many times with men. You have a real chance here to sort yourself out. That is all you can really work on right now. Your wife will be going through so many emotions. Only time will tell what the outcome will be. Personally I feel she may give the marriage a shot. Women are like that, they strive to hold it together for the family unit. And Men don't want to divorce. So maybe you both will get your happy ending with time. Good Luck to you both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 You are now in a conundrum... Your wife wants you to quit your job but you have no guarantee that she or the family will still be there if you do. If you do quit your job, you might be out an income *and* a wife and family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Just a few key questions at this juncture: Setting the embarrassment aside with the in laws... Do you even want to quit seeking out random women? Do you even want to save your marriage? Has there ever been a time in your life that your ego wasn't out of balance? This may reveal if you can possibly get the old you back. These are important things to honestly ask YOURSELF. Let us know what you decide... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Can you take a leave of absence? For medical reasons? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Can you take a leave of absence? For medical reasons? OK but surely that would be even more lying to his wife.. OK, I quit my job honey, can you take me back? We can work on it. You really quit the job? Yes, I truly quit the job. 2 weeks later Why is your boss on the line wanting to know when your medical leave finishes and when you can come back to work? Er... Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Oh no, I didn't mean to lie to her. I meant as a way to start the process of being in an inpatient facility and starting treatment. He will need money coming in to support the family and I thought this might give him some start to the healing without actually quitting the job. She, with therapists help, might begin to realize the job is not the issue. It is like blaming the bar where you cheating spouse goes, or the friends they have or the new woman at work or the whatever....that is not the reason they cheat. So, not going to a bar to appease someone, is one thing but not having any money to support your family is another. As a BS, I would never advocate lying. Never. My life, as I knew it, was destroyed by my XH's lies. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Oh no, I didn't mean to lie to her. I meant as a way to start the process of being in an inpatient facility and starting treatment. He will need money coming in to support the family and I thought this might give him some start to the healing without actually quitting the job. She, with therapists help, might begin to realize the job is not the issue. It is like blaming the bar where you cheating spouse goes, or the friends they have or the new woman at work or the whatever....that is not the reason they cheat. So, not going to a bar to appease someone, is one thing but not having any money to support your family is another. As a BS, I would never advocate lying. Never. My life, as I knew it, was destroyed by my XH's lies. But the wife has made it as condition that he quit his job as the job gave him ample opportunity to cheat. BUT he is in a quandary, does he quit the job and lose his income? Even if he does, she still may stay away, never forgive him and he loses his family anyway. This is a big deal for his wife, this is no one off drunken ONS, this is continuing betrayal for years and possibly an addiction problem too, it will take a strong woman to get over this, without going mad. I am sure if she told her parents the truth, this marriage would be over in two minutes after the disclosure; here, she is choosing to shoulder this burden alone and that may be in the OP's favour. She is still shocked though, but once the anger hits she may decide to share the burden with her parents or friends and family, and that will I guess not bode so well for the OP. I cannot imagine me telling anyone I loved to stay with a man who was a serial cheat, sex addiction or not. Sorry OP. There is a very long road ahead here if they do decide to reconcile, there is no quick fix here. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 She has given you her first requirements for staying in the marriage, do not go to work on Sunday, start looking for another job immediately. She needs time, give her time, she will tell you when she's ready to talk. Get tested for all STD's, give her the proof, she needs to see you doing positive things for the marriage. Start by telling her where you are at all times, send pictures from your phone as proof, let her track your whereabouts. Give her all your passwords, do not erase any of your texts until she see's them first and gives you the approval to do so. Start writing out a timeline of everything that has happened, don't go into too much detail unless she asks you for details. Seal it in a brown envelope and have it ready for her, let her decide if she wants to read it. Your words mean sh*t right now she will only believe your actions. Show her you are getting help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 She has given you her first requirements for staying in the marriage, do not go to work on Sunday, start looking for another job immediately. She needs time, give her time, she will tell you when she's ready to talk. Get tested for all STD's, give her the proof, she needs to see you doing positive things for the marriage. Start by telling her where you are at all times, send pictures from your phone as proof, let her track your whereabouts. Give her all your passwords, do not erase any of your texts until she see's them first and gives you the approval to do so. Start writing out a timeline of everything that has happened, don't go into too much detail unless she asks you for details. Seal it in a brown envelope and have it ready for her, let her decide if she wants to read it. Your words mean sh*t right now she will only believe your actions. Show her you are getting help. This. Showing complete devotion your marriage and recovering from your addiction is the first step. Since your wife said "Quit your job or we're done." she's clearly considering in the marriage with certain conditions. I know that your career is not the reason for your affairs but it made it much easier to live a double life. This is why finding a new job is so important to your wife. Remember that she is in shock so her reaction is not entirely rational. That's why it seems like she's blaming your career for your behavior. The million dollar question is are you truly ready to give up sex with other women? If not, then your wife needs to know that you have no intention of being faithful so that she can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Pastypop Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Well, you just stop doing it!!! Close all your secret sex accounts, merge bank accounts and cell phone accounts with your wife. Spend all your time when not working with your wife and/or kids. Get a job in a cube farm with no travel. After awhile, you will get used to it. Whenever you want to cheat, think about your own self respect. Does being a cheater and a compulsive liar feel good? Would you want others to think of you like this if all those dirty secrets came out? Do you want people going silent and avoid you at school or little league events? Do you want her family to hate you? Sex addition is a load of poo! You just stop doing it and change your behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 The OP needs to first figure out if he can remain faithful. There is no point in doing all the suggested actions, if deep inside, he knows he will repeat his actions. Dont slap your wife, and then later punch her in the gut. (Horrible horrible analogy). Dont mess with your wifes head. Dont try to get back together so soon. Think about this. The worst thing you can do is work for forgiveness, receive it, and then reoffend and blame it on a "sickness" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Don't. Quit. Your. Day. Job. You know what could be worse then divorce and addiction? Not having a job while trying to navigate getting through marital problems and addiction issues. Plus you mentioned you and your wife maintain a certain "lifestyle" that is important to you both. No job equals no lifestyle. Right now it appears you two are separated. Of course she said quit your job, but is that realistic? Best to see if you can go into a treatment center through your work health insurance, and deal with leaving the job if you have a future together. Good luck to you both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Don't. Quit. Your. Day. Job. You know what could be worse then divorce and addiction? Not having a job while trying to navigate getting through marital problems and addiction issues. Plus you mentioned you and your wife maintain a certain "lifestyle" that is important to you both. No job equals no lifestyle. Right now it appears you two are separated. Of course she said quit your job, but is that realistic? Best to see if you can go into a treatment center through your work health insurance, and deal with leaving the job if you have a future together. Good luck to you both. I would expect that any therapy he receive would include a change of workplace, as staying in his current environment, at this point in time, is bad for him. It's like having a person who's in therapy for being an alcohol addict work handing out free samples of beer and wine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 He wants me to go to an inpatient treatment so I get more help, more guidance and less temptation. I agree wmacbride. If Jon takes his therapist's recommendation seriously, he will be entering an inpatient treatment center, which wouldn't include work. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." - Lao Tzu Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Don't. Quit. Your. Day. Job. You know what could be worse then divorce and addiction? Not having a job while trying to navigate getting through marital problems and addiction issues. Plus you mentioned you and your wife maintain a certain "lifestyle" that is important to you both. No job equals no lifestyle. Right now it appears you two are separated. Of course she said quit your job, but is that realistic? Best to see if you can go into a treatment center through your work health insurance, and deal with leaving the job if you have a future together. I agree with this. Unless you have several million parked in the bank, this could be a deveststing decision. Your marriage is on extremely shaky ground and unlikely to last. The last thing you need to do is screw up another aspect of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Can you take a leave of absence at work? Do you even want to seek help? If you go to inpatient treatment you may not really see the results of your therapy for several months...even then, the outcome is based on how willing you are to change. I wouldn't count on a great outcome. I wouldn't quit the job. Do you think you can accomplish this? Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Wait a minute. I mean, I guess I agree with everything being said about treatment and reconciliation post-treatment but what evidence is there that he's ready to make such a commitment. I mean he said he wanted to change. He said he's tried. But he also was ready to give up and give her up. He didn't sound very hopeful or determined to change to me. Not that I'm trying to discourage. I also agree that if he really wants to, he can. But he didn't sound like an addict ready to give up the object of his addiction to me. Not when he's still writing about it like this: ...quickly spinning deep hole that sucked me in and I couldn’t stop. I cannot get over the thrill of seeing another woman naked and touching her body and experiencing her. The thrill of not knowing if I will be caught. Having many women want and enjoy me makes me feel good. Watching another woman please me. I get turned on just thinking about possible other women I could have. This sounds like an ode to opium to me. So imho, first, he needs help, not only believing that he can change ALL of himself, but also believing that he can be HAPPY if he changes (if he lets go this thing that he finds so irresistible and intoxicating.) Personally I don't know how to do that, but like everyone else I wish someone could. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 If you stay together you're going to need your income to provide for your family. If she divorces you, you're going to need that income for spousal support and child support, and hopefully you will still be able to live indoors.. If you quit and she wants a divorce they'll use your current salary to determine the amount you should pay. The job isn't the cause of the sexual addiction–– it enables it. Just like a newly recovering alcoholic will have to stay away from bars and parties, and quit hanging out with his drinking buddies, Joh is going to have to give up the lifestyle associated with the addiction. Addiction and environment are tightly related. You need to keep the job but quit going on the road. If you have the option to take a different job with the same company, one that gets you off the road, you should probably take it. You're also going to need to need the insurance to pay for the in-patient treatment. Someone needs to talk to your wife and explain that telling you to quit working isn't the solution, that it will only compound the problems. But you do need to get off the road. There will still be temptations and opportunities, but they won't be constant like they are when you're traveling. Wishing you all the best with treatment and the family situation. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 A new or different job will have no bearing on whether or not you cheat. Women are everywhere. I'm a recovering alcoholic who lives with alcohol everywhere and it is MY CHOICE not to have a drink. It is not the job that's the problem- it's you Joh. Your wife is misdirecting the problem. And it may take her lifetime to trust again, if ever. Unless you REALLY want to change - there's no point in putting your family through this. If you want to - then the burden of proof of changing is on you. Your wife will need proof that YOU are indeed changing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I think the wife of an alcoholic, may be pretty upset if he then takes a drink when he is is supposed to be dry, but Joh's wife I guess is not going to tolerate any "relapses" well at all. It is one thing for an alcoholic husband to take one drink, but quite another for a sex addict husband to go off and sleep with one woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Hate to point out the obvious but this marriage has a snowball's chance in Hell of surviving. There will never be a moment when you're not in the presence of your wife that she won't wonder if you're cheating on her or not: you will never receive a text or email that she won't question or wonder about. Because of the magnitude of what you did, the trust is shot to hell. Right now, your wife is shell-shocked and broken and is clinging to anything that resembles the marriage she thought she had. But reality is going to set in and her anger is going to come out and it'll all be over with. This is an insurmountable breach of trust. I hate to be that definitive about it but, seriously, no woman in her right mind would stay in a marriage with this level of deceit -- except Hilary, of course. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Right now, your wife is shell-shocked and broken and is clinging to anything that resembles the marriage she thought she had. But reality is going to set in and her anger is going to come out and it'll all be over with. This is an insurmountable breach of trust. I hate to be that definitive about it but, seriously, no woman in her right mind would stay in a marriage with this level of deceit -- except Hilary, of course. But Hilary had bigger fish to fry... Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Hate to point out the obvious but this marriage has a snowball's chance in Hell of surviving. There will never be a moment when you're not in the presence of your wife that she won't wonder if you're cheating on her or not: you will never receive a text or email that she won't question or wonder about. Because of the magnitude of what you did, the trust is shot to hell. Right now, your wife is shell-shocked and broken and is clinging to anything that resembles the marriage she thought she had. But reality is going to set in and her anger is going to come out and it'll all be over with. This is an insurmountable breach of trust. I hate to be that definitive about it but, seriously, no woman in her right mind would stay in a marriage with this level of deceit -- except Hilary, of course. I agree. However, you would be shocked what some people will put up with in the name of "staying together for the kids" or keeping their lifestyle. Joh's wife sounds like a traditional woman. It's typical for traditional people to stay in bad marriages for the good of others and because of their beliefs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Don't. Quit. Your. Day. Job. You know what could be worse then divorce and addiction? Not having a job while trying to navigate getting through marital problems and addiction issues. Plus you mentioned you and your wife maintain a certain "lifestyle" that is important to you both. No job equals no lifestyle. Right now it appears you two are separated. Of course she said quit your job, but is that realistic? Best to see if you can go into a treatment center through your work health insurance, and deal with leaving the job if you have a future together. Good luck to you both. I think there seems to be a strong correlation or connection between the OP's cheating/sex addiction and his . It seems to me that if he truly wants to overcome this addiction (regardless of staying married or getting divorced) he really needs to at consider quitting this job or at least taking a nice long break from it. Usually when an addict is trying to overcome their addiction it is necessary to stay away from people or places associated with that addiction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Whatever you decide - don't make promises you can't keep. Don't pretend to go into therapy to change unless you really plan to do the work necessary to change yourself. It's of no value to try and get well if you don't want to. Have you made a decision about what you plan to do? Have you spoken to your wife this weekend? Will she allow you to see your kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts