I’m addicted to cheating on my wife [updated 2016-06-14]

[dreamingoftigers]

Hate to point out the obvious but this marriage has a snowball's chance in Hell of surviving. There will never be a moment when you're not in the presence of your wife that she won't wonder if you're cheating on her or not: you will never receive a text or email that she won't question or wonder about. Because of the magnitude of what you did, the trust is shot to hell.

 

Right now, your wife is shell-shocked and broken and is clinging to anything that resembles the marriage she thought she had. But reality is going to set in and her anger is going to come out and it'll all be over with. This is an insurmountable breach of trust. I hate to be that definitive about it but, seriously, no woman in her right mind would stay in a marriage with this level of deceit -- except Hilary, of course.

 

I stayed. I also looked into a ton of things about sexual addiction.

 

Why did I stay? Because I was once a very troubled, suicidal individual. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

I was messed up, but not last the point where I could SEE that I was messed up. I went for (a lot) of therapy. During that time, especially as I had the trauma worked through in EMDR, it was almost like my vision improved.

 

I could see that my actions were affecting others when in full-blown BPD I lacked such a sense of self that I believed that others affected me, but that my actions didn't really affect anyone. Or that they could see I was in pain is "why I did what I did." It was all justifiable to me.

 

But post-EMDR I could really see (much better anyway) how very much I could be triggering shame in my husband or placing pressure on my family with my depression etc.

 

I could see that my father could not see past himself either. He was diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder.

 

And finally I could see that without treatment my husband was incapable of seeing the effect and devastation he had caused.

 

So I decided to stay until he finished treatment. As he stayed by me in my youth when I was a mess. If he wasn't going to get any better, I would walk then.

 

But having come down that dark road already, I knew where he was and how much he couldn't hear me or see my pain. But I figured I would give it a chance and forgive it on the other side.

 

I really don't recommend it for everyone. My experience was pretty unique and my husband WAS willing to work through it. That is rarely the case.

[beatcuff]

why should he quit his job? or did you forget...

 

I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce... She deserves better.

 

or is this another case of reaching the cliff and unable to 'jump'?

[salparadise]

A new or different job will have no bearing on whether or not you cheat.

Women are everywhere.

 

No, no, no. Traveling all over the place, eating dinner alone, staying in hotels alone and having a nightcap in hotel bars alone is what creates the opportunity. If he had a regular office job and was home every night it would eliminate ninety nine percent of the opportunity.

 

I'm a recovering alcoholic who lives with alcohol everywhere and it is MY CHOICE not to have a drink.

 

Well, that's certain true about it being your choice. But it's a lot easier to choose to abstain sitting at home with no alcohol in the house than it would be at a bar or a party with people pushing drinks at you.

 

Newly recovering alcoholics are always advised to stay away from their old watering holes and their old drinking buddies. How could you be a recovering addict and not agree with that?

 

I have an old high school friend who has fought alcohol addiction all his adult life. I always know when he's drinking and when he's on the wagon. He has his drinking buddies that he hangs with when he's drinking, but he gets in touch and hangs with me when he's sober. It's as clear as an ON/OFF switch.

 

I hope Joh has the opportunity to take a traditional office job, and that his wife accepts that as the best solution.

[S2B]

There is always alcohol in the house where I live. Just as there will always be women around in the world for Joh to contend with.

 

It's a matter of finding a way that works.

 

Just because it is sitting there does not mean I'm going to drink it.

[BettyDraper]

No, no, no. Traveling all over the place, eating dinner alone, staying in hotels alone and having a nightcap in hotel bars alone is what creates the opportunity. If he had a regular office job and was home every night it would eliminate ninety nine percent of the opportunity.

 

 

 

Well, that's certain true about it being your choice. But it's a lot easier to choose to abstain sitting at home with no alcohol in the house than it would be at a bar or a party with people pushing drinks at you.

 

Newly recovering alcoholics are always advised to stay away from their old watering holes and their old drinking buddies. How could you be a recovering addict and not agree with that?

 

I have an old high school friend who has fought alcohol addiction all his adult life. I always know when he's drinking and when he's on the wagon. He has his drinking buddies that he hangs with when he's drinking, but he gets in touch and hangs with me when he's sober. It's as clear as an ON/OFF switch.

 

I hope Joh has the opportunity to take a traditional office job, and that his wife accepts that as the best solution.

 

Spouses with traditional office jobs cheat all the time.

 

I agree that distance creates more opportunities and addicts are told to stay out of compromising situations.

I was told to cut contact with my dealers and pothead friends when I wanted to give up weed.

Most of those "friendships" were shallow and based on getting stoned together anyway.

 

We just shouldn't pretend that a serial cheater cannot find willing partners even if he is home every evening.

Edited June 13, 2016 by BettyDraper

[whichwayisup]

All the major details. How long I had been doing it, how many women, that it was every time I went to work and I extended my stays, that it's the reason I can't have sex with her, relationships I had, certain times I cheated in our relationship (when I was stressed). How I feel before, during and after. That I can't stop. I didn't go into the finer details like exact details like she may ask for one day.

 

My therapist started the session by talking about addiction in general then that I had an addiction. My wife assumed it was gambling, then drinking, then drugs. It basically came out like "Then what [addition] is it?" "Sex" "We rarely have sex" "With other women" "Excuse me?"

 

I didn't mention divorce at all.

 

I told her the main details and she didn't stick around after that. My therapist tried to talk to her but she couldn't do it and walked out. My therapist set up another appointment next week - I'll see if she shows up. He wants me to go to an inpatient treatment so I get more help, more guidance and less temptation. He said it would be better to have my wife on board before because I won't have much if any contact with her during treatment.

 

I haven't talked to her much since that day. All she has said is if I go back to work Sunday we're done and that I need to quit and get help. I asked if she's going to go to therapy again with me but she wouldn't respond.

 

I know I need to go with my therapists recommendations. I don't want to leave things with my wife like this. I don't want to be away from my kids or have my family suffer alone. My wife told her parents, who she is staying with atm, that I have a drug addiction. It's not even what my problem is but I am more than embarrassed to be around them again.

 

Don't push her, allow her to feel and react the way she is.

 

Sadly, the fallout now is the consequence of your choices and actions. All you can do now is keep going to therapy, do all that you can to fix yourself, focus on being the best father to your kids and hope some day your wife finds it in her heart to hear you out. To expect or hope for her to give you a second chance now isn't something you can bank on, her world just got turned upside down and everything she thought she knew, isn't anymore. The blind trust she had in you is all gone and she sees a man she married that she doesn't know or trust anymore.

 

Quit your job like she asked. That's a start, as well as doing what you said, the counseling. Asking her to go with you now is a mistake, it's too soon.

[Hopefulandinlove]

I think you want to make this marriage work, you just don't know how. Quit your job. She will never trust you again if you leave for work. I think she would rather have a faithful husband than the extra money. Just do everything she needs you to do. Get help for yourself. Prove to yourself you are stronger than this.

Edited June 14, 2016 by Hopefulandinlove

[wmacbride]

Your wife will need time to grieve her loss, and that will be a very bumpy road for her.

 

She's got a lot of her plate. She's got to sort her way through the new landscape of her life, and she also has to be there for her kids at the same time. She may well be wondering if she can be there to help support you through this as well.

 

She may decide to stay with you she may not. That is out of your hands right now, but you have allowed her to be able to make decisions about her own life and what she wants it to be like. That might not seem like such a gift right now, but in time, it will be.

 

I do commend you for telling the truth. That took a lot of guts to do, and indicates that, when you push aside all of the rest of your not so great behavior, at your core, you are a good man. A good man who has done some awful things, but is trying to take responsibility for them.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Don't quit your job, that's the last thing you want to do. Your marriage is probably done with anyway, and you may come home to find the locks changed and your stuff out on the lawn, do you want to have all that PLUS no means to pay for it?

 

Do you have a joint bank account? If so, legally she can take ALL your cash. With no recourse.

 

Do you want to not have a job under those circumstances?

 

If you really want to work it out, you can explain to her that quitting your job right now is not feasible, but you will look for something with less travel.

 

Not sure what you do for a living, didn't read the whole thread. I am guessing you are some kind of IT consultant or something.

[wmacbride]

Don't quit your job, that's the last thing you want to do. Your marriage is probably done with anyway, and you may come home to find the locks changed and your stuff out on the lawn, do you want to have all that PLUS no means to pay for it?

 

Do you have a joint bank account? If so, legally she can take ALL your cash. With no recourse.

 

Do you want to not have a job under those circumstances?

 

If you really want to work it out, you can explain to her that quitting your job right now is not feasible, but you will look for something with less travel.

 

Not sure what you do for a living, didn't read the whole thread. I am guessing you are some kind of IT consultant or something.

 

 

These are the words of the op:

"

I help my wife around the home and with the kids when I am home. I work away from home, aside from finding a new job I cannot help that. And finding a new job means taking a serious pay cut - about half of my current salary. That's not do-able with our life goals, saving goals, early retirement and lifestyle. I love my wife and I love my kids. I spend a lot of time with them when I am home. I work 14 hours away from home, I cannot just pop in. I own the decision that I have made to stay longer than I have to. I know that is wrong and I should spend as much time with my family as I can."

 

He could get another job but the reason for not doing so sound like they have more to do with lifestyle than necessity.

 

Right now, if I were in his wife's shows, I would be really ticked for so many reasons, and one would be that she is st home all the time, while for at least two weeks, he's been able to find time to cheat while she's at home, being 100% responsible for her job plus everything else.

 

If his wife decides she wants to stay married, they both have a long road ahead of them. As a couple, they will need to decide if the loss of certain comforts is an acceptable price to pay for keeping their marriage intact.

[Joh]

It has been one week since I told my wife. She still hasn't talked to me much. She said (again) that she wants me to quit my job and go to in-patient (next week). She wants me to go work in her office so I'd be working the same hours as her. Wants to password the internet so I can't access it, get rid of my cell. And she wants me to write out everything I did, how many people, details, etc.

 

I haven't mentioned "divorce" and neither has she. And I don't know if it's because she genuinely wants to try and work it out or because she doesn't know how to leave, for a few reasons.

 

I think she may be pregnant as we were trying for our 4th baby. She has never had trouble conceiving, other than my work schedule. I FaceTime with my two oldest and my daughter kept saying "mommy took baby sticks to put a baby in her belly and cried".

 

She could handle being a single parent, she has been doing it 50% of the time. But taking that step for her to be a true single parent would be hard. She hates the thought/status/shame of being a single parent and always has. I would never abandon my children. I haven't physically seen them since I told my wife because she won't let me. I didn't fight with her over it. She said I can see them when I start working on myself and let me facetime with them.

 

No one in her family has ever been divorced and she doesn't believe in it. She thinks couple don't try hard enough and that's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

We've been together for 10 years and I'm the only relationship she has ever had. I'm all she knows.

 

But on the other hand, it will be probably harder to stay in the marriage.

 

I've slept with around 60 women, she's slept with 1 man. It's always been an issue for her, even when she thought I had only been with around 25 women. She felt inadequate and like she was being compared. She wondered if she was as good or good enough. When I started having problems staying hard and finishing she felt even more self conscious about it all. She is very 'vanilla' in bed, most other women I have been with were the opposite and to some extent she knows that. I've also never told her my fetishes because I know she wouldn't be into it but she knows I did them with other women. I don't remember telling her that, but she does so I must have.

 

Just to try for another baby was hard. I couldn't stay hard and couldn't finish. I always ended up having to watch porn and think about other women then stick it in at the last second. She kind of hoped it was age related (I'm only 37) but I knew better. It was only with my wife and now she knows that.

 

I doubt she will ever want to have sex again. I've seen her once since telling her and I tried to touch her she swatted my hand away and said something along the lines of don't touch me, you're disgusting.

 

She wants to know every detail of what I've done over the last 8 years. It will kill her.

Edited June 14, 2016 by Joh

[wmacbride]

It has been one week since I told my wife. She still hasn't talked to me much. She said (again) that she wants me to quit my job and go to in-patient (next week). She wants me to go work in her office so I'd be working the same hours as her. Wants to password the internet so I can't access it, get rid of my cell. And she wants me to write out everything I did, how many people, details, etc.

 

I haven't mentioned "divorce" and neither has she. And I don't know if it's because she genuinely wants to try and work it out or because she doesn't know how to leave, for a few reasons.

 

I think she may be pregnant as we were trying for our 4th baby. She has never had trouble conceiving, other than my work schedule. I FaceTime with my two oldest and my daughter kept saying "mommy took baby sticks to put a baby in her belly and cried".

 

She could handle being a single parent, she has been doing it 50% of the time. But taking that step for her to be a true single parent would be hard. She hates the thought/status/shame of being a single parent and always has. I would never abandon my children. I haven't physically seen them since I told my wife because she won't let me. I didn't fight with her over it. She said I can see them when I start working on myself and let me facetime with them.

 

No one in her family has ever been divorced and she doesn't believe in it. She thinks couple don't try hard enough and that's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

We've been together for 10 years and I'm the only relationship she has ever had. I'm all she knows.

 

But on the other hand, it will be probably harder to stay in the marriage.

 

I've slept with around 60 women, she's slept with 1 man. It's always been an issue for her, even when she thought I had only been with around 25 women. She felt inadequate and like she was being compared. She wondered if she was as good or good enough. When I started having problems staying hard and finishing she felt even more self conscious about it all. She is very 'vanilla' in bed, most other women I have been with were the opposite and to some extent she knows that. I've also never told her my fetishes because I know she wouldn't be into it but she knows I did them with other women. I don't remember telling her that, but she does so I must have.

 

Just to try for another baby was hard. I couldn't stay hard and couldn't finish. I always ended up having to watch porn and think about other women then stick it in at the last second. She kind of hoped it was age related (I'm only 37) but I knew better. It was only with my wife and now she knows that.

 

I doubt she will ever want to have sex again. I've seen her once since telling her and I tried to touch her she swatted my hand away and said something along the lines of don't touch me, you're disgusting.

 

She wants to know every detail of what I've done over the last 8 years. It will kill her.

 

It sounds like you and your wife have seen a therapist together, as that's where you told her about the cheating. Is there any way that you and she can arrange to have the discussions you need to have with your wife with the therapist present? Having the neutral third party int he room might make it easier for both of you.

 

It also sounds like the two of you will have some serious issues to work out between the two of you should you decide to stay together. There are some big decisions to make, and it may be too early to make them.

 

If you feel that staying married is what you want, and your wife does too, consider this to be your one chance to have slipped up. Do you think you can live the rest of your life not ever cheating again? If not, then being married is not for you, at least not under the conditions your wife will be happy with.

 

If I were in your shoes the first ting i would do is to get myself checked in to in patient treatment. Once you have completed it, you will be in a far better portion to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life,as well as those of your wife and children.

[Joh]

It sounds like you and your wife have seen a therapist together, as that's where you told her about the cheating. Is there any way that you and she can arrange to have the discussions you need to have with your wife with the therapist present? Having the neutral third party int he room might make it easier for both of you.

 

I have asked her to go to therapy with me so we can talk more and work through this together. We are going today, it's our first time going back since I told her about my cheating. She texted me just now agreeing to go and "I want my husband back".

 

I don't want to lose my wife and family. I know my wife deserves better, and that makes me want a divorce - for her. But for myself, I don't want a divorce. If my wife does decide to stay with me, I know I don't deserve her and I'm incredibly lucky.

 

I want to stop cheating on my wife. I haven't had sex with other women since telling my wife. It's only been one week and it's very hard. I want to stop. I can't guarantee that I will be able to, there are no guarantees in life. I don't know if my wife could handle me "re-cheating". I want to stop cheating because I don't want to hurt my wife or kids (more) and want to have a normal, healthy relationship with my wife. I don't want to keep taking risks with my health. I have been lucky not to catch anything, I use condoms, and there are no pregnancies that I am aware of.

 

I know it's going to be really hard to stop. I enjoyed sleeping with other women and the abrupt stop is hard to cope with. It was a stress reliever and now I don't have that and I'm much more stressed. I need to find other outlets to release stress. If we do stay together we will also have to work out our own sex issues, in regards to being able to have sex and enjoying it.

[heartwhole]

Your wife's requests sound very reasonable, and I hope you can either give 110% to try to move forward with her or do her the honor of being honest if you cannot. It's scary and I'm sure you feel helpless not knowing what she wants (or what you want) or whether the marriage can be saved. You may worry that you don't have what it takes to give her what she needs.

 

You've taken the first hard step, and that's to your credit. My advice would be to keep moving forward in recovery. It's too soon to make any permanent decisions about your marriage, but no matter what happens, you want to live free of your addiction and be able to have healthy relationships.

 

I wouldn't assume that your wife will want or require a sexless marriage from now on, but obviously sex will be something you both need counseling to resume and make healthy. You've got a lot of work to do to rewire your brain to see sex in a loving relationship with your wife as something desirable rather than needing to pretend it's casual sex with a stranger. You'll need professional help for that.

 

As everything sank in and my husband was no longer in the "affair fog" but rather desperate to save our marriage, I know he experienced helplessness not knowing if what he did was "enough" or whether I'd be able to forgive him. Now of course I have the right to say that the affair did too much damage and I want out, but mostly I just wanted to know that he was doing everything he could to change and to prioritize me and our kids. I don't want a divorce, but I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve either, so I hope he'll step up to the plate. My guess is that that's all your wife wants too. So I'd move forward in good faith and do the things she's asking. You can't expect a guarantee that she'll love and forgive and want constant hot sex with you before you move forward. You have to move forward in hope and faith. If things don't work out, at least you'll have begun the work on yourself to be a better person.

[Emilia]

She hates the thought/status/shame of being a single parent and always has.

I've always thought that you couldn't hide long term or serial cheating from someone. The other person has to be willfully blind, she isn't talking because you forced a response out of her but she must have known.

 

I have very little sympathy for people who make a status issue out of everything.

[elaine567]

I know it's going to be really hard to stop. I enjoyed sleeping with other women and the abrupt stop is hard to cope with. It was a stress reliever and now I don't have that and I'm much more stressed. I need to find other outlets to release stress. If we do stay together we will also have to work out our own sex issues, in regards to being able to have sex and enjoying it.

 

I have no experience of the treatment of sex addiction, and it may indeed work wonders, but the big problem I see here is that your wife does not turn you on and you both have vastly differing ideas of what constitutes satisfying sex. Many cheaters and sex addicts have great sex lives at home, you don't.

My guess is that your wife will try to accommodate your specific tastes, but your tastes are not just about the sex per se, are they? It is all about sexual variety too. I guess the therapy may be able to turn off the need for variety, but can it really manufacture desire for your wife?

Can you remain vanilla forever to please your wife, as that really should be how it pans out, she is the innocent party here, she has done nothing wrong.

Also is your wife "faking" it in order to please you, ever going to take the place of hot women who are as much into what you are into as you are?

[Joh]

Trust me, the reaction that I got was not one from someone who knew about the cheating. She is a terrible, terrible liar. Her cheeks flush and she smiles every single time she lies big or small. She also has not hesitated to ask me about cheating the times she has been suspicious. But I immediately let her look through everything of mine, cell, computer, facebook, email, do some sweet talking and put the suspicions to rest.

 

I wish I was like that, a terrible liar. Instead I am a skilled liar and had very little trouble hiding this for 8 years. She is not stupid, it's not like it was slapping her in the face and she didn't realize.

 

I only contacted other women on a phone that I keep at work. She didn't know about the phone or ever see it. She never had any reason to look at my computer because we have 3 other computers in the house, as well as smart phones and tablets. But I always deleted my history and never saved anything to my computer. I didn't talk with other women when I was home, including when I had relationships with other women within my marriage. Those OW knew I was married and that I'd have no contact and no way to be contacted. I work 14 hours away no one there knows my wife or vise versa. She doesn't know anyone who I work with, my work friends don't live in our area.

 

I feel like what another poster said back on page 8, the more I talk the worse it gets. The more I talk the deeper and deeper I dig myself. She wants to know everything and I'm torn on what to do. On one hand, NO, she really doesn't want to know everything. But we aren't going to be able to work through anything without being totally open.

 

I truly love my wife. She has been a great wife to me and great mother. She is determined in life and generally a very happy, fun person to be around. She's smart, finished top of her class, and successful in her career. We've had a lot of great times together and she has made me happier long term, emotionally than any other woman has.

 

I think it's possible for me to stop cheating, based on history. In all of the relationships before my wife I cheated. I've always been a cheater. All but one. The relationship right before my wife was 3 years and I didn't cheat. It was actually the other way around and that ex cheated on me. I don't know why it was different with her but it was.

 

If I could be faithful to that woman, I should be able to be to my wife. And I really don't understand why I cannot, that is something that will come up in therapy. That woman was no better than my wife, I didn't love or like her more. But for whatever reason, I happily stayed faithful to her for 3 years. Who, like my wife, was very vanilla in the bedroom.

 

 

 

 

My wife use to turn me on. We didn't start having problems with me staying hard and finishing until this year. I am attracted to her and always have been. She still looks great and takes care of herself. I want to have sex with her but as soon as I start I can't keep it up and get out of the mood. If we try and finish at all it's either me doing it myself or turning her around and pretending it's someone else.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to try and accommodate my sexual likes and desires, she is that type of person who always wants to please and everyone comes before she does. I don't want that to have to be the case. I don't want even more falling on her and her having to pretend she likes it in an attempt to keep me. It should be the other way around, me doing everything to keep her.

 

Honestly, I will probably always miss the sex with other women. Sex with my wife was good and I enjoyed it (until recently) but it wasn't amazing and wasn't the best sex I've ever had. She knows that, I've never said it but she has. I'll have to learn or adapt to like the type of sex that my wife likes, if I'm ever able to stay hard for her again.

 

Before I met my wife I didn't need to sleep with everyone. I did have sex with a decent amount of women but it wasn't my desire to have variety all the time. And I never had sex with strangers, only girls/women I knew. The desire/need to be with a variety of women didn't come until I met my wife.

Edited June 14, 2016 by Joh

[Sabella]

I agree with everything that Elain has said above. I also don't have any real clue about sex addiction or how it is resolved. I don't want to be negative, but I just don't see how this is going to be reconciled. Are you really going to be content to live with vanilla sex (if any sex) for the rest of you life? I know sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it does have importance.

 

You say you don't want to lose your wife and family, but you haven't said why exactly. I fear you both may be trying to work things out for the wrong reasons. Is it possible you are just delaying the inevitable?

 

All in all, only the two of you can answer these questions through total honesty and therapy together. I do wish you hope in the future.

 

I'm glad you are continuing to post too.

Edited June 14, 2016 by Sabella

[Joh]

I was content living with vanilla sex with an ex for 3 years. I have hope that I can manage the same with my wife. Though part of me feels like I should just put an end to sex and toss it away. I am afraid I will have sex with my wife at some point in the future after I've been getting help and it will re-start the addiction.

 

I honestly could care less about being a single father or divorcee. Many people have been, are or will be and it's not a big deal.

 

I love my wife, we have been together for the last decade and I cannot see my life without her. She has made me happier, on a emotional level, than any other woman has. With all of my ex's I knew I would never marry them. With my wife I knew right away. I loved her before we even went on a real date. She has always been who I see myself with until the end. I love my family unit and seeing them all together. I want my kids to have the best life possible, and though I do not believe in staying together for the kids, I don't want my kids to come from a broken home. We have built a life together and I don't want to give it up. My wife means everything to me. We have had so many great times and memories together. I'm not ready to lose that yet. I truly believe that I would never find another woman like my wife. She is the one for me.

 

 

We have a lot to talk about in therapy today. Like if any part of her wants to try and work it out or if she understandably wants a divorce or separation. If she has been to the doctor yet, I told her to get tested for everything under the sun. If she is pregnant or not since we were trying for our 4th child and my daughter saw her take a test. And figure out if she really wants to know all the details and what I need to do for her to begin trusting me again.

[Sabella]

In light of your last post, I truly hope you are both able to work it out and stay together if you both desire it. You have a lot of work to do together and it seems to me, you are ready for it. I hope she is too, it sounds like it, as she is telling you what you need to do for her. Good luck.

[Sunshine8]

What was so different about the relationship with the ex of 3 years? That should provide you with more insights into the background of your addiction

[bigman1]

Dude, you are in a really tough spot. I cannot for the life of me figure out why she stays with you. I assume that a significant number of the 60 women you have been with came after you were in a relationship with your wife. I could be wrong, but it sounds like it.

 

She seems to believe that you are a sex addict, so she is trying to work through that and wants you to get help. I get sex addiction. I put it in a different category of cheating. I don't think that it puts any different burden on the betrayed to work things out, however. You have to take the bull by the horns, I think. Waiting to see what she wants sounds noble, but if you want it to work, you gotta put in the effort right away.

 

That being said, it seems as though you are still talking like an addict. You talk about 3 years of vanilla sex like its some sort of purgatory. What are you hooked on? is it just new sex, the conquest, freaky sex, kink, etc.? While your narrative sounds somewhat deserving of sympathy because of the addiction, you are like the drug addict who says that living sober means not having any "fun". That does not bode well.

 

I'm not sure she should give you a chance. Like all addicts, until YOU hit BOTTOM and WANT TO CHANGE, you are just saying the right words, but have no intent on following through. I have dealt with a lot of addicts in my career and personal life. Right now, you sound like someone who sees the carnage, recognizes it, feels bad about it, wishes you could stop, but the prospect of being "clean" is talked about like it is the equivalent of getting a full body massage by sweaty fat dude. Sure, who doesn't like a massage, but....damn that fat sweaty dude.

[LivingWaterPlease]

ten characters

Edited June 15, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[underpants]

In light of your last post, I truly hope you are both able to work it out and stay together if you both desire it. You have a lot of work to do together and it seems to me, you are ready for it. I hope she is too, it sounds like it, as she is telling you what you need to do for her. Good luck.

 

 

OMG...why?

 

This forum cracks me up.

 

OP, you should push for divorce, you really should, be fair and let the process happen. If you then decide to get 'help' for yourself you can always re-marry later.

 

How would you feel if your wife decided to sleep with other people? Just curious.

 

Yes, insist on divorce, as you say if you care about her then free her.

 

I can't believe people buy into this butter. I honestly think if I ever have another relationship I should cheat, because ...dam'n.

[BettyDraper]

It has been one week since I told my wife. She still hasn't talked to me much. She said (again) that she wants me to quit my job and go to in-patient (next week). She wants me to go work in her office so I'd be working the same hours as her. Wants to password the internet so I can't access it, get rid of my cell. And she wants me to write out everything I did, how many people, details, etc.

 

I haven't mentioned "divorce" and neither has she. And I don't know if it's because she genuinely wants to try and work it out or because she doesn't know how to leave, for a few reasons.

 

I think she may be pregnant as we were trying for our 4th baby. She has never had trouble conceiving, other than my work schedule. I FaceTime with my two oldest and my daughter kept saying "mommy took baby sticks to put a baby in her belly and cried".

 

She could handle being a single parent, she has been doing it 50% of the time. But taking that step for her to be a true single parent would be hard. She hates the thought/status/shame of being a single parent and always has. I would never abandon my children. I haven't physically seen them since I told my wife because she won't let me. I didn't fight with her over it. She said I can see them when I start working on myself and let me facetime with them.

 

No one in her family has ever been divorced and she doesn't believe in it. She thinks couple don't try hard enough and that's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

We've been together for 10 years and I'm the only relationship she has ever had. I'm all she knows.

 

But on the other hand, it will be probably harder to stay in the marriage.

 

I've slept with around 60 women, she's slept with 1 man. It's always been an issue for her, even when she thought I had only been with around 25 women. She felt inadequate and like she was being compared. She wondered if she was as good or good enough. When I started having problems staying hard and finishing she felt even more self conscious about it all. She is very 'vanilla' in bed, most other women I have been with were the opposite and to some extent she knows that. I've also never told her my fetishes because I know she wouldn't be into it but she knows I did them with other women. I don't remember telling her that, but she does so I must have.

 

Just to try for another baby was hard. I couldn't stay hard and couldn't finish. I always ended up having to watch porn and think about other women then stick it in at the last second. She kind of hoped it was age related (I'm only 37) but I knew better. It was only with my wife and now she knows that.

 

I doubt she will ever want to have sex again. I've seen her once since telling her and I tried to touch her she swatted my hand away and said something along the lines of don't touch me, you're disgusting.

 

She wants to know every detail of what I've done over the last 8 years. It will kill her.

 

I knew that your wife wouldn't want to divorce because of how traditional she sounded. She's right when she says that couples give up on marriage too quickly. However, this situation is very serious and I doubt anyone in your wife's family would blame her for divorcing you if they knew about your many infidelities. I am a traditional woman as well but there are limits to what I will tolerate from my husband.

 

If you want to stay married, it would behoove you to submit to all of your wife's demands. Watching you like a hawk isn't going to stop you from cheating but your wife is desperate to keep her family together at any cost. Go into treatment and then decide if you can stay faithful or not. If you know that you cannot stop cheating on your wife, you will have to let her know this so that she can decide if her morals outweigh the pain of being married to a perpetually unfaithful husband.

 

Give your wife all of the details. Like I said before, it is very common for BS to become obsessed with every extramarital encounter.

 

It saddens me that you are thinking about having sex with your wife after everything that has happened. I know you're an addict but please try to focus on something other than the next time you will get laid. Going into treatment could help you learn to stop sexualizing situations.

Edited June 15, 2016 by BettyDraper