I’m addicted to cheating on my wife [updated 2016-06-14]

[Moxie Lady]

Sorry but this situation is just disgusting. I dont believe in "sex addiction" and I am a high level healthcare professional by training. I think its nonsense and justification and excuses for horrible behavior.

 

I will repeat an earlier post I made where he said he had sex with 2 women on his wedding night. Even if he is "sexually addicted" anyone can curb an addiction for one night. This is just a guy who has absolutely no morals or boundaries. He still doesnt because even NOW his main worry is having to put up with vanilla sex (oh poor BABY!!!!) and not having 60 women to screw for his own enjoyment while his wife raises his kids and takes care of the house. This guy does nothing.

 

Isnt it convenient that she has "traditional" beliefs about marriage? If she has "traditional" beliefs about marriage I would guess that would include that her husband should not cheat on her with 30 random women during the marriage. Plus if she had "traditional " beliefs about marriage, why is she working full time in a high paying career while single-handedly raising the kids while this "man" goes out and screws everything with a vayjayjay to get his little ego built up and perhaps also to get his little penis built up?

 

Note that several people have outright asked him if he actually wants his marriage to work. no direct answer. The indirect answer is that he would be so sad to have to "put up with" vanilla sex and lose his fun times. Wowza.

 

Sorry Im not picking up what he's putting down. No successful woman like her would waste one freaking second on such a "man". She needs to get a real man who doesnt need to use his penis on random women to be one.

[Joh]

What was so different about the relationship with the ex of 3 years? That should provide you with more insights into the background of your addiction

 

Honestly, I don't know. It was my first serious relationship. But I always knew I'd never marry her. With my wife I knew right away that she was the one. I've been thinking about it a lot and hopefully something will come to me. It was a long time ago.

 

That being said, it seems as though you are still talking like an addict. You talk about 3 years of vanilla sex like its some sort of purgatory..

 

I've been doing this for 8 years, longer if you count the time I cheated on previous GF's. If I wasn't at rock bottom and didn't want to stop I wouldn't have told my wife. She was unsuspecting, I could have continued to get away with it. But I don't want to. I want to be done. It was affecting my wife so much and she didn't even know why. I was getting more and more distant from her. A month ago she asked me "am I not good enough" and the way she said it, facial expression and tone broke my heart. I want to change.

 

I don't think I am complaining about vanilla sex. It's not what I like, but I knew before marriage what I was signing up for. Like I said, I was faithful in a 3 year relationship with vanilla sex and I was happy. I'm not complaining about that sex, I was happy and had little complaints. It wasn't some horrible experience, if it was I either wouldn't have stayed or would have cheated.

 

Of course it will be hard to be "clean". I don't believe any addict thinks it is easy to go clean. It has been my lifestyle for 8 years, or more. It's my stress reliever and I'm really feeling it right now. And yes, in the moment it gives a huge ego boost. Which is later torn down when I feel terrible for doing it, then I do it again to bring the ego boost back up. And repeat.

 

How would you feel if your wife decided to sleep with other people? Just curious.

 

So I should divorce my wife even though she does not want that? She said today, in person, to my face, that she does not want a divorce.

 

Of course I would be heart broken if she cheated on me. I don't cheat because I hate my wife and don't care about her. If I hated my wife I wouldn't go through this whole process and would have left the marriage. My wife may not believe in divorce but I do. If a couple isn't happy I don't think they need to stay together. I am fighting for my marriage, wife and family because I care and love her. And when you love someone you don't want them to sleep with other people. I know that.

 

I will repeat an earlier post I made where he said he had sex with 2 women on his wedding night. Even if he is "sexually addicted" anyone can curb an addiction for one night. This is just a guy who has absolutely no morals or boundaries.

 

It was the night before our wedding. Which yes IS bad, but it's not quite as bad as our actual wedding night. My wedding night was spent with my wife. Don't you think she would notice if I disappeared on our wedding night.

 

Yes, I want my marriage to work. I said that multiple times on page 13. Maybe not in those exact words but saying I don't want to lose my wife is the same as wanting the marriage to work.

[lemondrop21]

What on earth is it about the idea of marriage that is SO compelling that people stay in situations that are THIS broken? I just don't get it. In a way it comes off as its own addiction, or dependency... Dependency on the comfort, the familiarity of family life, etc. Which is great when it's real, but all kind of shot to hell when there's been THIS level of cheating going on.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of marriages can reconcile, but these extreme cases make me scratch my head. It seems that OP will have to cast away his sexual desires as "evil" in order the maintain the marriage. For the rest of his life. I can't imagine the quality of the marriage will be any good in that case. Not to mention how w will feel, living with this knowledge.

 

Sorry, I try to avoid casting so much judgment most of the time but based on what I've read, I hope w snaps out of it and leaves the marriage. I bet they could even be successful co-parents in time, they both obviously really care about the kids. And yes, even with 3 (4?) kids, I bet w could eventually find a partner whose needs match hers a lot better and who is just fine with loving, vanilla sex. And OP can continue to have his fun.. Or get treatment if he really does feel it's an addiction rather than a preference.

[Joh]

What on earth is it about the idea of marriage that is SO compelling that people stay in situations that are THIS broken? I just don't get it. In a way it comes off as its own addiction, or dependency... Dependency on the comfort, the familiarity of family life, etc. Which is great when it's real, but all kind of shot to hell when there's been THIS level of cheating going on.

 

What is the harm in trying? She made the decision on her own, with the therapist, that she wants to try with no guarantees. I know she is very unsure. And if she were a "stronger" (not the right word) woman she would have left immediately. But yes, she does like the comfort and familiarity of marriage and everything within the marriage. She isn't ready to give up and as long as she is trying I'm going to fight as hard as I can.

 

My therapist set me up with in-patient therapy as well as group therapy and how to get a sponsor after in-patient. He also set my wife up with a therapist and group program for wife's of husbands with addiction. My wife did get medical tests done to see if she caught anything.

 

She won't let me touch her and won't make eye contact with me. There is a huge, thick, brick wall between us. I want to be able to comfort her and make it better for her. I can feel how much hate, anger, disgust and disappointment she has towards me.

 

 

 

The thing with my ex, who I was faithful with. I cheated on the girlfriends I had as a teenager, not because I was addicted to sex but because I was a dumb teenager who didn't give a F and didn't really care about the relationships in a serious way. I was extremely popular in high school as I was in a successful band and the girls loved it at the age. When I met my ex I was ready for a serious relationship and committed myself to her. We were really happy for 3 years. She was a virgin when we met and I was unsure of it. I thought she would want to experience other people but she assured me she didn't. Then around the 2 year mark of the relationship she cheated multiple times and later broke up with me around 3 years. I was crushed. She said the sex got worse and worse and that is why she cheated. Everything she had told me about wanting only one partner, how attractive I was, how good the sex was, how happy she was, etc. was shot to hell. I didn't date anyone for a long time after that and just slept around to feel better about myself.

 

Then I met my wife. She was the same, a virgin who assured me she didn't care about being with lots of men (I almost didn't date her because of it). Instead the opposite, she wanted as few sex partners as possible. I tried my best to believe her and for 2 years was faithful. When the relationship hit the same point (2 years) as with my ex, I started cheating.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Joh

[66Charger]

Are you going to quit your job? The answer to that will probaly be the same, as to whether you will be successful in R or not.

[ladydesigner]

What on earth is it about the idea of marriage that is SO compelling that people stay in situations that are THIS broken? I just don't get it. In a way it comes off as its own addiction, or dependency... Dependency on the comfort, the familiarity of family life, etc. Which is great when it's real, but all kind of shot to hell when there's been THIS level of cheating going on.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of marriages can reconcile, but these extreme cases make me scratch my head. It seems that OP will have to cast away his sexual desires as "evil" in order the maintain the marriage. For the rest of his life. I can't imagine the quality of the marriage will be any good in that case. Not to mention how w will feel, living with this knowledge.

 

Sorry, I try to avoid casting so much judgment most of the time but based on what I've read, I hope w snaps out of it and leaves the marriage. I bet they could even be successful co-parents in time, they both obviously really care about the kids. And yes, even with 3 (4?) kids, I bet w could eventually find a partner whose needs match hers a lot better and who is just fine with loving, vanilla sex. And OP can continue to have his fun.. Or get treatment if he really does feel it's an addiction rather than a preference.

 

God you can say that again. I am one of these I am honestly beginning to think I am co-dependent because I am finding it so hard to leave. I know my WH's multiple infidelities were a dealbreaker but I cannot seem to leave. The fear is paralyzing for me. I am hoping more time and therapy will help me come to a decision I can live with. Recently I asked for a D and started making my plans to leave. My WH is making efforts on his own without me saying a word. I feel sorry for him now, he appears to be at his own rock bottom, but I have to continue to heal myself. My WH is slowly coming to the realize the damage done was REAL.

[elaine567]

My guess is you cheated on your wife because you knew she would not leave even if she found out, which has proved to be true. She may hate you and despise you for what you have done, but she will never leave you.

 

You probably felt a lot less secure about the ex who you never cheated on, and ironically SHE let you down and cheated on you.

 

I think everyone would be a lot happier long term, including you, if you left this marriage. Maybe you have a sex addiction may be not, but monogamy is not something you inherently believe in, fighting that may prove to be a fruitless task.

YOU know your wife will not leave, why would you chose to deny your true self?

I can see you "being good" for a short while may be even a few years, but with no kink, no chase, no new conquests you are going to be a sad man and you will turn to other women to relieve your sadness and make you feel good again. Your poor wife will have her world turned upside down again just as she was learning to trust...

Do not do this to your wife and family, they need stability, it will be hard at first but better than the ups and downs that will accompany you being good and then being bad and then being good and then bad, again and again and again.

[Joh]

Are you going to quit your job? The answer to that will probably be the same, as to whether you will be successful in R or not.

 

Yes. We agreed to it last night and I gave notice today. I do have to go back for a few days to finish things and get my belongings. I cannot just leave out of the blue and expect to get a good reference from them for future work.

 

My guess is you cheated on your wife because you knew she would not leave even if she found out, which has proved to be true. She may hate you and despise you for what you have done, but she will never leave you.

If I knew she would never leave me then why did I work hard to hide it from her for 8 years? I could have slept with a lot more women if that were the case. I made sure to never cheat in our home-town. I had a hidden bank account and email. I had an app to automatically text her certain things at certain times so she didn't expect anything. I always made sure all of my devices were not used to contact other women. I didn't contact other women while I was home with my wife. If I didn't care and knew she would never leave then why put effort into hiding it? The thrill of not getting caught wasn't the biggest part.

 

I cannot guarantee that I'll never cheat again, but I'm going to fight as hard as I can not to. If I cannot stop cheating then yes, I agree it would be wise to leave the marriage and spare her more hurt. But I believe my wife would feel worse about herself if I did this AND divorced her.

 

So just because she has traditional views of marriage (try hard to make it work) unlike most people in this world, I'm forcing her to stay in the marriage? If she wants to leave she can. Twice I've even given her a door to leave. We talk and I tell her that I don't expect her to stay and if she wants to leave she can, I will understand. She stays. It may not always be like that. She may go through therapy herself and realize that she doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore.

 

She said herself that she will always be tied to me because of our 3 (will be 4) kids, so she might as well try and work through it to save the marriage.

[BettyDraper]

What is the harm in trying? She made the decision on her own, with the therapist, that she wants to try with no guarantees. I know she is very unsure. And if she were a "stronger" (not the right word) woman she would have left immediately. But yes, she does like the comfort and familiarity of marriage and everything within the marriage. She isn't ready to give up and as long as she is trying I'm going to fight as hard as I can.

 

My therapist set me up with in-patient therapy as well as group therapy and how to get a sponsor after in-patient. He also set my wife up with a therapist and group program for wife's of husbands with addiction. My wife did get medical tests done to see if she caught anything.

 

She won't let me touch her and won't make eye contact with me. There is a huge, thick, brick wall between us. I want to be able to comfort her and make it better for her. I can feel how much hate, anger, disgust and disappointment she has towards me.

 

 

 

The thing with my ex, who I was faithful with. I cheated on the girlfriends I had as a teenager, not because I was addicted to sex but because I was a dumb teenager who didn't give a F and didn't really care about the relationships in a serious way. I was extremely popular in high school as I was in a successful band and the girls loved it at the age. When I met my ex I was ready for a serious relationship and committed myself to her. We were really happy for 3 years. She was a virgin when we met and I was unsure of it. I thought she would want to experience other people but she assured me she didn't. Then around the 2 year mark of the relationship she cheated multiple times and later broke up with me around 3 years. I was crushed. She said the sex got worse and worse and that is why she cheated. Everything she had told me about wanting only one partner, how attractive I was, how good the sex was, how happy she was, etc. was shot to hell. I didn't date anyone for a long time after that and just slept around to feel better about myself.

 

Then I met my wife. She was the same, a virgin who assured me she didn't care about being with lots of men (I almost didn't date her because of it). Instead the opposite, she wanted as few sex partners as possible. I tried my best to believe her and for 2 years was faithful. When the relationship hit the same point (2 years) as with my ex, I started cheating.

 

I'm noticing a link between your wife and the ex you never cheated on. It appears that you have a Madonna/Whore complex. You have the sweet and virginal wife whom you rewarded with marriage because she was sexually inexperienced. The women you sleep with on the side represent the "fallen whore" archetype in your head that came about when your ex was unfaithful.

 

This is just my observation. I am not a mental health professional.

[JLeaks3]

Joh,

I cannot even imagine what is going through your wife's mind right now. I have followed this thread and there are so many things about your relationship that is eerily similar to mine. My husband is 8 years older and has a much more experienced sexual past. In contrast, he is my one and only partner. The feeling of being self-conscious and wondering how I compared to past sexual partners is constant. My husband has always done well to ensure that I am the best he's had and tells me how much he loves to make love to me, but even with that constant reassurance it's hard to believe and ultimately it comes down to my own self-esteem. I cannot imagine what you have done to your poor wife's self-esteem and struggle believing that you will ever repair it.

 

Your wife will need superhuman strength to not only recover from the pain you've caused but also to overcome what I can only believe will be a lifetime of triggers and constant self-doubt. I am 6 months from discovering an emotional affair that my husband had with another mom at our son's school. I know it never became physical, but even with that, the damage is so deep and I am constantly wondering if the only reason it didn't turn physical was whether because there was lack of opportunity or whether it was because he truly loved me. I hate when we do doggy because in my mind I wonder if he is just imagining her because his curiosity was never consummated with actual sex. I have driven myself to the brink of feeling like I'm breaking down and losing myself. The sense of security I had in my marriage is all but gone, even though my husband has bent over backwards in his attempts to give me back my security.

 

Do you see the damage even a 4-month emotional affair has caused? Multiply that by 1 MILLION! That is the irreparable damage you have brought upon your wife. Reading your chilling words about how you couldn't stay hard for her and how you have to turn her over and imagine someone else - that is literally the nightmare I live every time my husband turns me over for doggy. And he never even had sex with his OW. I am fully seeking IC for myself, because I've reached the point that there is nothing my husband can do to make me feel secure in my own marriage. He tries HARD EVERY DAY. It does nothing for me. You will have to spend every day for the rest of your life trying to overcome something that will ultimately be impossible. I can only think that if I'm having this much trouble processing the damage of an emotional affair, what must be the hell that is going in her fragile mind and soul right now?

 

Sorry for a long post and somewhat hijacking your thread with my story, but I hope it can give you somewhat of a sliver of the excruciating pain that your wife must be enduring.

[elaine567]

If I knew she would never leave me then why did I work hard to hide it from her for 8 years? .

 

YOU didn't want to be found out or to be seen as "less than", but you continued in the knowledge you had really nothing to lose, in that she would never leave and take your family with her.

[66Charger]

I'm noticing a link between your wife and the ex you never cheated on. It appears that you have a Madonna/Whore complex. You have the sweet and virginal wife whom you rewarded with marriage because she was sexually inexperienced. The women you sleep with on the side represent the "fallen whore" archetype in your head that came about when your ex was unfaithful.

 

This is just my observation. I am not a mental health professional.

 

I also wondered if you were "punishing" your wife OR the one that cheated on you. Perhaps it is that relationship that you should look at closely. I dont think it excuses anything, but as long as you and the wife are going to try, dig deeper.

 

You have laid a hard road for your wife to travel. This tells the story of the power of the confession, the strength of family and one day in the future, a story of forgiveness or the futility of reconciliation with a serial cheater.

[S2B]

I hope you come to view this as "not saving the marriage" BUT creating a new marriage! One that is completely void of resembling the prior farce of a marriage.

 

It may be wise to start a list with your wife - her input is valuable. A list that contains all the things you and she wants in that new marriage. Goals for your marriage. That way you can understand what is within the boundary of the marriage and what is outside that boundary.

 

Then you should be capable of understanding clearly when you 'may be considering crossing that healthy boundary'.

 

And it will take a TON of contrary action on your part. Even simple things - like if a woman asks for your opinion at the grocery store on what steak to buy. You need to have a plan so that you do not engage with random women. Ask yourself - what will I DO differently? The way YOU choose to participate (or not) will determine the fate of your new union with your wife.

 

How will you get your ego stroked? That's a question you need to answer - because you seem to look for that outside your marriage. How will YOU portray yourself as a married man? No more being a single player type.

 

What changes are YOU capable of? And are you willing to DO anything to save this new and improved marriage?

[karena70]

Here is my one piece of advice. Every once in awhile I hear cheaters really capitalizing on that "what we both need to fix in the marriage" routine.

 

Cheaters need to beware of that for the first year or so anyway, but in your case, I be waiting a looooooooong time before indicating my wife needed to "fix" anything. A long time.

[Joh]

I'm noticing a link between your wife and the ex you never cheated on. It appears that you have a Madonna/Whore complex. You have the sweet and virginal wife whom you rewarded with marriage because she was sexually inexperienced. The women you sleep with on the side represent the "fallen whore" archetype in your head that came about when your ex was unfaithful.

 

This is just my observation. I am not a mental health professional.

 

I do view the women I slept with as promiscuous women who I'd never be in love with or marry. And I was attracted to my wife's sexual inexperience, but at the same time was afraid of it because of how things ended with my ex. For around 9 years I didn't have trouble having sex with my wife, however. And lets not forget, we all know Freud is being disproved left and right and removed from current text books.

 

Joh,

I cannot even imagine what is going through your wife's mind right now. I have followed this thread and there are so many things about your relationship that is eerily similar to mine.....

 

Thank you for sharing. I hope at some point she can trust me and I don't spend the rest of my life proving myself to her.

 

YOU didn't want to be found out or to be seen as "less than", but you continued in the knowledge you had really nothing to lose, in that she would never leave and take your family with her.

 

Who thinks that there husband or wife will stay in the marriage when they find out their spouse has been cheating with dozens of people for 8 years? It's not like I did a little flirting or had a strictly EA.

 

I also wondered if you were "punishing" your wife OR the one that cheated on you. Perhaps it is that relationship that you should look at closely. I don't think it excuses anything, but as long as you and the wife are going to try, dig deeper.

 

You have laid a hard road for your wife to travel. This tells the story of the power of the confession, the strength of family and one day in the future, a story of forgiveness or the futility of reconciliation with a serial cheater.

 

Who knows, maybe it is something that should be discussed in therapy. I will admit that I often thought of my ex when I was ****ing other women. Which generally made me angry, think of her as promiscuous and **** the lady harder or be rougher. Not past that woman's boundaries. Most of the women I was with were also into things along the lines of BDSM. Hurting a woman physically is something I would never do and I think men who do should be castrated.

 

That ex holds a negative place in my brain. All my other ex's I remained friendly with and some I still chat with on occasion (meaning once every few years to 1-2x a year depending on the woman). Simple how is your life going type of convo.

 

Here's the thing. I don't really want to have sex with my wife in that way. She's not into that so that's a whole other issue, but mainly I feel it would "taint" the image of my wife that I have. I don't know if the sex life would ever be satisfying between the two of us. And maybe that is how it should be, just an end to sex.

 

How will you get your ego stroked? That's a question you need to answer - because you seem to look for that outside your marriage. How will YOU portray yourself as a married man? No more being a single player type.

 

What changes are YOU capable of? And are you willing to DO anything to save this new and improved marriage?

 

Valid points and a lot to think about. It will be incredibly hard.

[BettyDraper]

I do view the women I slept with as promiscuous women who I'd never be in love with or marry. And I was attracted to my wife's sexual inexperience, but at the same time was afraid of it because of how things ended with my ex. For around 9 years I didn't have trouble having sex with my wife, however. And lets not forget, we all know Freud is being disproved left and right and removed from current text books.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing. I hope at some point she can trust me and I don't spend the rest of my life proving myself to her.

 

 

 

Who thinks that there husband or wife will stay in the marriage when they find out their spouse has been cheating with dozens of people for 8 years? It's not like I did a little flirting or had a strictly EA.

 

 

 

Who knows, maybe it is something that should be discussed in therapy. I will admit that I often thought of my ex when I was ****ing other women. Which generally made me angry, think of her as promiscuous and **** the lady harder or be rougher. Not past that woman's boundaries. Most of the women I was with were also into things along the lines of BDSM. Hurting a woman physically is something I would never do and I think men who do should be castrated.

 

That ex holds a negative place in my brain. All my other ex's I remained friendly with and some I still chat with on occasion (meaning once every few years to 1-2x a year depending on the woman). Simple how is your life going type of convo.

 

Here's the thing. I don't really want to have sex with my wife in that way. She's not into that so that's a whole other issue, but mainly I feel it would "taint" the image of my wife that I have. I don't know if the sex life would ever be satisfying between the two of us. And maybe that is how it should be, just an end to sex.

 

 

 

Valid points and a lot to think about. It will be incredibly hard.

 

I wasn't even thinking of Freud when I made the observation. It's just that there is a reason why the Madonna/Whore complex was named and thought of as a common conflict inside the minds of men....your way of thinking is extremely typical. You have shown that I am on to something based on what you admitted. The women you slept with on the side represented your ex while your wife was put on a pedestal. Therapy will help you realize that being passionately sexual with good morals are qualities that can exist in the same woman.

[bigman1]

Thanks for the reply. Still, I think very intense therapy is needed for you, based on your response.

 

You use phrases like "I knew what I signed up for" when it comes to this so-called vanilla sex with your wife. You use a couple of other phrases that I find disturbing. I would say that you recognize that you have a problem and depending on how your marriage goes or the fallout on your family, you may reach rock bottom. I think telling her was a way of getting the ball rolling towards bottom, a cry for help, but you are far from it.

 

In my profession, I deal with the truly scum of the earth and those who have just sunk that low in life. I had a straight guy, who had a crack addiction and was trying to get into this particular rehab program, tell me that he knew he had hit rock bottom after he had performed fellatio on a stranger in a rest area bathroom in order to get enough money for some crack. For some reason he had a moment of clarity as he was enroute to buy the drugs. He told me, "I've stolen from my mom, my kids, friends, and strangers. I've lied to those people, threatened them, and intimidated them just to get money to get high. But after looking at myself in the mirror with some strange man's (seed) on my face and clothing and feeling good that I was gonna get high, I realized that I did not want to get any lower than that."

 

You are not there yet.

[wmacbride]

I hope that the therapy program you are considering entering will help ry and figure out why you cheat.

 

I could be way off but there is something about the words you write that sounds as if all this extra marital sex is really even about the sex at all. It sounds more like you are using it as a band aid for a psychological wound.

 

This is just a thought and I could be wayyyyyy off, but you indicated that your ex-girlfriend who cheated on you gave you a few good shots to your self esteem to go along with it, implying that you were humdrum in the sex department.

 

From what you say, you loved and trusted her completely. By doing what she did , she broke your trust, gave a huge blow to your sense of self, and you've been trying to get it back every since.

 

It doesn't take much to seduce your wife, as she's your wife and loves you. For some, that's not much of a self esteem boost, but getting a strange woman to go to bed with you is something different, if you know what I mean.

 

I will tell you one thing I think about your wife For all that she's angry, for all that you have hurt hr and for all that she might find it hard to ever forgive what you have done, she still loves you. Given what you have out her through, the fact that she does that speaks that she sees something in you that is far more than what some woman you pick up for a one night stand sees.

 

One more thing, given that she loves you as she does, if you love her, you need to keep close tabs on how she is doing. she may find the weight of all of this too much to carry, though she'll keep on stumbling along until that burden crushes her. If you see that happening, and if you love her at all, you may need to pull the plug on your marriage. That might never happen, but if it does, can you be strong enough to walk away?

 

again, all of this cold be way off, so take it for what it is.

[merrmeade]

I hope at some point she can trust me and I don't spend the rest of my life proving myself to her.

And what if you do? Is this a condition?

[Lobe]

the Madonna/Whore complex

 

This would be an enlightening thing for you to read up on, actually. Freud hasn't been discounted so much as his ideas expanded or refined and this one is still standing.

 

"Hartmann (2009) asserts that though many of Freud’s sexual theories are now considered antiquated and sexist, his psychoanalytic notion of the Madonna-whore complex is still quite viable and pervasive in modern sexual dynamics and gender roles. Women are given so many shaming antisexual messages suppressing the understanding and integration of their sexuality, while simultaneously being valued principally for their youth, thinness, attractiveness, and overall sexual prestige by society. The female plight is just as dichotomous as the male’s: women want to be both respected (primarily) yet desired (secondarily), whereas men struggle to reconcile these concepts that they can find paradoxical, creating cognitive dissonance. Landau et al. (2006) indicate that men’s ambivalence towards women’s sexuality is predicated on the ambivalence about their own sexuality, again a painful reminder of their mortality."

 

(Penn State Applied Psychology Blog, Source and citations here.)

Edited June 15, 2016 by Lobe
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[JLeaks3]

Thank you for sharing. I hope at some point she can trust me and I don't spend the rest of my life proving myself to her.

 

You would be better to prepare yourself to doing just that. You have proven to her that you are nothing like the man that she had believed you to be and nowhere near the man that she loved. She is mourning the loss of that man that you never were. If she knew you to be the man that you turned out to be, it's safe to say she would never have fallen in love with you or even considered you to be a viable husband and father for her children. You will absolutely have to spend the rest of your life earning her trust and proving yourself to be worthy of her love. You may never end up doing it. But for you to say that you hope that you don't have to very clearly shows that you are not up for the task and should probably do her a favor and not waste any more of her time and divorce her.

[merrmeade]

IWho knows, maybe it is something that should be discussed in therapy. I will admit that I often thought of my ex when I was ****ing other women. Which generally made me angry, think of her as promiscuous and **** the lady harder or be rougher. Not past that woman's boundaries. Most of the women I was with were also into things along the lines of BDSM. Hurting a woman physically is something I would never do and I think men who do should be castrated.

 

That ex holds a negative place in my brain. All my other ex's I remained friendly with and some I still chat with on occasion (meaning once every few years to 1-2x a year depending on the woman). Simple how is your life going type of convo.

 

Here's the thing. I don't really want to have sex with my wife in that way. She's not into that so that's a whole other issue, but mainly I feel it would "taint" the image of my wife that I have. I don't know if the sex life would ever be satisfying between the two of us. And maybe that is how it should be, just an end to sex.

 

Valid points and a lot to think about. It will be incredibly hard.

I don't think you'll be able to work with just any therapist. You need to really research the hell out of this and be sure you find a specialist for your issues and/or someone you really respect and trust. You talk about the stuff that goes through your mind. You know it's warped, but you don't know how to change it.

 

The other thing that occurs to me is that this might be amenable to exposure/response prevention behavioral therapy - you know, the behavioral treatment they do for agoraphobia or fear of flying. Basic theory is you're exposed a little, then a little more, each time without responding the way you normally do. You also do something that helps you resist your 'normal' that will make it possible to resist the impulse on a small scale. Eventually you could be around the things that used to evoke the unwanted thoughts and urges and they no longer occur. You're free.

 

I know the theory because it worked for my son for OCD when he was 20. We lived in Philadelphia where the original research was done for this treatment for OCD. Of course, he was also taking medication but was able to go off eventually. I have no idea what it would look like for someone with your associations or if it's even viable.

 

But I really don't see how straight cognitive therapy could help you. You'd still have this visceral association with certain situations and behaviors. How would you talk or think that away? It would be torture, seems to me - just denying what your gut is screaming at you to do (or some other body part). Behavior response prevention is mostly behavioral, though there is ALWAYS a cognitive component that responds to talk therapy.

 

Worth asking about I should think.

Edited June 15, 2016 by merrmeade

[Sunshine8]

The thing with my ex, who I was faithful with. I cheated on the girlfriends I had as a teenager, not because I was addicted to sex but because I was a dumb teenager who didn't give a F and didn't really care about the relationships in a serious way. I was extremely popular in high school as I was in a successful band and the girls loved it at the age. When I met my ex I was ready for a serious relationship and committed myself to her. We were really happy for 3 years. She was a virgin when we met and I was unsure of it. I thought she would want to experience other people but she assured me she didn't. Then around the 2 year mark of the relationship she cheated multiple times and later broke up with me around 3 years. I was crushed. She said the sex got worse and worse and that is why she cheated. Everything she had told me about wanting only one partner, how attractive I was, how good the sex was, how happy she was, etc. was shot to hell. I didn't date anyone for a long time after that and just slept around to feel better about myself.

 

Then I met my wife. She was the same, a virgin who assured me she didn't care about being with lots of men (I almost didn't date her because of it). Instead the opposite, she wanted as few sex partners as possible. I tried my best to believe her and for 2 years was faithful. When the relationship hit the same point (2 years) as with my ex, I started cheating.

 

 

My thoughts about this:

 

It seems like you need a 'strong' partner (although I think your wife staying proves how strong she is) who gives you strict boundaries (you mentioned that if your wife would have been 'strong' enough she would have left you) because you don't give yourself boundaries.

 

Your ex of 3 years somehow lost her feelings for you after 2 years, you were not sure whether she would stay or leave you. That kept you on your toes to work for the relation; instead of needing the kick of cheating to feel good about yourself and think you are worthy, you had the kick of working for the relation to keep her. And her staying proved you were worthy, until she left.

 

After two years, unlike your ex, your wife stayed with you. The challenge was gone and you searched for other ways to receive recognition of you being worthy. Other woman wanting you and sleeping with you gives you this recognition. However, each time the kick is short term til the woman is conquered and thereafter reality hits you and you feel guilty. After the first time you cheated on your wife, it became easy to do it again. It’s a circle and you should break through it by therapy, discipline and finding other ways to feel good about yourself and as a way of stress relieve (sports, hobbies etc).

 

Maybe on an unconscious level you told your wife, because deep down inside you want her to leave, so that YOU wont be the one that pulled the trigger of breaking up your family and all the guilt that comes along with a decision like that. Hope im wrong with this and you can make your marriage work, there are always new beginnings

Edited June 15, 2016 by Sunshine8

[S2B]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joh

 

I hope at some point she can trust me and I don't spend the rest of my life proving myself to her.

 

 

 

 

As long as it's about how YOU feel - it will never work.

 

You thinking of yourself is the crux of your issue! Start thinking of how your wife must feel!

 

You WILL spend the rest of your life warning her trust back IF you intend to reconcile. That's a fact.

[Cinnamonstix]

I think it's possible that you are punishing your wife for your ex cheating on you. But I also have another explanation:

 

I think the fact that the two year mark (the time your ex started cheating on you) set off your cheating is telling. The pain you felt from your ex cheating on you and dumping you was obviously very great. To prevent yourself from ever feeling that way again, you subconsciously beat your wife to the punch in hurting her first. By cheating on her, rather than the other way around, you are essentially protecting yourself from feeling that amount of pain from betrayal again. Because if she was cheating on you too, it wouldn't hurt as much if you are also cheating on her. Also, by engaging other women, you are preventing true intimacy with your wife. And losing true intimacy would be the most painful of all.

 

Many men with a porn addiction suffer ED when it comes to real life sex. Some time after they have gone completely off the porn, they are able to enjoy sex with another human again. I think this analogy might apply to you too. Some abstinence from variety and also some inner work will do you good. From where I stand, this isn't just about sex, especially given that the whole variety thing came up after you were in a serious relationship with a woman who reminded you of the one who caused you great pain.