I’m addicted to cheating on my wife [updated 2016-06-14]

[underpants]

She is staying "with" you for ...now. She is in panic mode and will soon find herself if self preservation mode.

 

You would be best advised to separate and work on yourself. Improve yourself, for... yourself. Not for someone you clearly see as a useful appliance or others you see as sluts (because they fell for you...that logic is so self hating, but whatever).

 

Watch a few episodes of 'Snapped'.

 

You have made your life dangerous, and by your own choosing.

[Doublegold]

I'm noticing a link between your wife and the ex you never cheated on. It appears that you have a Madonna/Whore complex. You have the sweet and virginal wife whom you rewarded with marriage because she was sexually inexperienced. The women you sleep with on the side represent the "fallen whore" archetype in your head that came about when your ex was unfaithful.

 

This! I thought the same thing. And I also don't believe you love your wife. You stated you knew before the first date you loved her.

 

I think she met/meets your criteria for a wife/mother of your children. Look at how you've described her? Top of her class... I think you love her success. I think you love your life(style). I think you love the way your family looks to others. I think your proud of her, admire her, and like that she is an earner--but love her?

 

I don't think you love your wife. Sorry

[BettyDraper]

I'm noticing a link between your wife and the ex you never cheated on. It appears that you have a Madonna/Whore complex. You have the sweet and virginal wife whom you rewarded with marriage because she was sexually inexperienced. The women you sleep with on the side represent the "fallen whore" archetype in your head that came about when your ex was unfaithful.

 

This! I thought the same thing. And I also don't believe you love your wife. You stated you knew before the first date you loved her.

 

I think she met/meets your criteria for a wife/mother of your children. Look at how you've described her? Top of her class... I think you love her success. I think you love your life(style). I think you love the way your family looks to others. I think your proud of her, admire her, and like that she is an earner--but love her?

 

I don't think you love your wife. Sorry

 

I agree. It's clear that Joh has no respect for his wife and you cannot love someone if you don't respect her.

 

He simply views her as a "suitable partner" rather than someone he is in love with. Joh can't even do certain things with this wife in bed because that would cause her to be "tainted" and dirty like the women he cheats with.

 

The lack of love is also obvious when Joh speaks of hoping that he won't have to spend his whole life making up for his behavior. If love was there, he would be glad to work on improving his marriage rather than balking at the emotional work out of selfishness.

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Edited June 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[13Hearts]

I haven't read your entire thread but want to say I get it about vanilla sex. It can drive a person crazy.

 

But if you're the kind of person who can't stand just vanilla the rest of your life, you shouldn't have gotten married and had these children.

 

I'll be blunt. You need to grow up. Growing up takes a lot of work, and you kinda have to stay in the real world to do so. You need to start dealing in reality, stop grasping at straws, and have someone else (not your wife) helping you to stay clean. You simply cannot do this by yourself and placing this burden on your wife is really unfair.

 

I recommend 12 steps highly. If you make excuses why you can't do 12 steps, then you're not serious about your marriage or about keeping your junk in your pants. People in 12 steps will call you out on your BS because they know you better than you do.

 

You also need to find your higher power. 12 steps will help you with that but you can start by admitting that you are powerless over this "addiction" (your need to screw everyone but your wife) and that your life is unmanageable. Revisit the higher power of your childhood and see if that helps. If it doesn't, investigate finding a new one to help you. Because you're gonna need it.

[elaine567]

I haven't read your entire thread but want to say I get it about vanilla sex. It can drive a person crazy.

 

This is where the whole reconciliation idea falls down fundamentally.

Sex is important to Joh, I guess sex is important to his wife, but the kind of sex they enjoy is miles apart.

So even if Joh is "clean" years down the road, then he is left with vanilla sex for life, (as he can hardly expect his vanilla wife to change without a great deal of resentment on her part) and as you say for someone who is non-vanilla that will send him crazy. He cannot even get it up for his wife - it is that bad...

I get the need to "punish" the ex, but that, I guess is not the only reason he is into BDSM.

 

What is he going to do then, a vanilla wife and an unsatisfied penchant for kink? - develop a porn addiction (addicts frequently swap one addiction for another), drugs, alcohol, webcam girls, escorts ... or does he just go back to chatting up that girl in accounts who once mentioned that she likes the odd "slap" during sex...

 

I think there are a whole load of reasons here why Joh came clean to his wife, not all of them were to do with "curing" his sex addiction.

My guess is that his ex is not the only woman he wants to "punish".

His highly successful, competent, responsible, "perfect" wife comes to mind here...

 

I have a feeling Joh is just someone who cannot be monogamous.

Society may want him that way, but he is not built that way, he has almost universally cheated, and "forcing" him to be something he is fundamentally not, is a bit like putting a homosexual into residential therapy to stop him being a homosexual...

[merrmeade]

What is he going to do then, a vanilla wife and an unsatisfied penchant for kink? - develop a porn addiction (addicts frequently swap one addiction for another), drugs, alcohol, webcam girls, escorts ... or does he just go back to chatting up that girl in accounts who once mentioned that she likes the odd "slap" during sex...

What is he going to do? We HOPE he is going to get GOOD therapy for sex addiction.

 

I also agree wholeheartedly with the poster's suggestion he get a mentor for the 12 steps. I just heard a long NPR special on the origins of AA and they narrated a lot about the founders. What they discovered was that it was the act of helping each other that was key to getting on the wagon and staying there. The other part of their key experience was giving up control to a higher power which they did not see as a traditional religious idea. This is probably why group therapy seems to work for people with his kind of problem.

[bathtub-row]

I say again that putting your wife through this misery was completely unnecessary. Now you're stuck with trying to fix this mess when it is, for the most part, unfixable. You simply want the Norman Rockwell painting, with great sex with strangers on the side. Your wife is a bore in bed and you are completely turned off by her.

 

In order to keep things intact, you would have to have more of a business relationship with your wife, and be able to do as you please in terms of sex. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Even if your wife doesn't get it where sex is concerned, she's now so focused on controlling you that she wants you where she can keep an eye on you at all times. I hope you can see the ridiculousness of that.

 

Why you're clinging to this situation is beyond me. Because as bad as it was before, it just now got exponentially worse. Why don't you just admit to yourself that it doesn't work for you? You simply cannot have both worlds so you're going to have to choose. And agreeing to be saddled with an asexual wife who will forever have you on her radar doesn't seem like much of a choice at all.

[wmacbride]

I say again that putting your wife through this misery was completely unnecessary. Now you're stuck with trying to fix this mess when it is, for the most part, unfixable. You simply want the Norman Rockwell painting, with great sex with strangers on the side. Your wife is a bore in bed and you are completely turned off by her.

 

In order to keep things intact, you would have to have more of a business relationship with your wife, and be able to do as you please in terms of sex. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Even if your wife doesn't get it where sex is concerned, she's now so focused on controlling you that she wants you where she can keep an eye on you at all times. I hope you can see the ridiculousness of that.

 

Why you're clinging to this situation is beyond me. Because as bad as it was before, it just now got exponentially worse. Why don't you just admit to yourself that it doesn't work for you? You simply cannot have both worlds so you're going to have to choose. And agreeing to be saddled with an asexual wife who will forever have you on her radar doesn't seem like much of a choice at all.

 

A post trying to blame te wife for the husband's action, even in some convoluted way? It's like blaming everyone else in a person's life for that person's choice to pick up the bottle.

 

You have it backwards.

 

His wife is not asexual. In fact, she is the one who has been imitating sex with him, but it's not the kind of sex that he wants, so he has been largely refusing her. if he's not reusing her, he can't keep it up.

 

This isn't a case where hubby wants sex wifey says no, so hubby goes elsewhere.

 

It's more a case of a man who has an issue that has destroyed not only his life, but the life of his wife and kids, and least for the short term.

 

You also seem to be a okay with his lying to her. Do you really believe that, if he simply said " I want a divorce", she wouldn't ask "why"? What would he do? Lie to her again? Make he think the divorce is all her fault?

 

He has potentially exposed her to STD's, to unbalanced ow who might not be too keen on him going home to her and leaving them behind, to time and attention spent away with ow, to blows to her self esteem because he can't have sex with her, to the potential of one day hearing a knock at the door and when she opens it, there is one of his ow with his baby, and all that is okay, so long as he doesn't have to accept responsibility and face what he has done?

 

she has every flippin' right to set boundaries in her life. He has just as much right to stay or go, and he is choosing to stay. No one has tied him in a chair or chained him up in the basement to keep him from straying. If he is in a prison, he is in one of his own making, and he's free to walk

away any time he wishes to do so.

 

She has set terms and conditions for the type of behavior she is willing to accept, and he has chosen to stay, knowing what her needs are right now. If they are not things he can live with, then he needs to man up and walk away.

[merrmeade]

Somebody said OP hasn't hit rock bottom yet because he's still fantasizing about the high-risk sex. Maybe. Only he knows. But I DO agree about the importance of losing everything.

 

It's the only thing that changed my husband although I now see that he kept just enough self-importance to seed a new outgrowth. Oh, he won't cheat again, but he'll channel his need for attention other ways. It's the lack of self-awareness that's disappointing and the ability to make deep, lasting change. But some is better than none.

 

I think Joh really wants to change. The question is how much?

[heartwhole]

The OP is getting a lot of flack, deservedly so, for his actions, but I don't think it's pertinent to his discussion to presume to know what kind of sex he can live with in the future or what his chances of succeeding in rehab are. I think it's important to recognize that he has already placed himself in a small minority by coming clean to his wife and beginning the process of making changes and seeking treatment. All he can do is keep moving forward. Let's give his wife the benefit of the doubt that as an intelligent, financially secure woman, she is making choices that are best for herself and her children and she doesn't need a peanut gallery of gapers proclaiming her weak. I imagine she is anything but.

[elaine567]

But I DO agree about the importance of losing everything.

 

 

Difficult for him to come to that conclusion, when apparently his wife does not want a divorce... ever.

[merrmeade]

Difficult for him to come to that conclusion, when apparently his wife does not want a divorce... ever.

This is true.

[BettyDraper]

The OP is getting a lot of flack, deservedly so, for his actions, but I don't think it's pertinent to his discussion to presume to know what kind of sex he can live with in the future or what his chances of succeeding in rehab are. I think it's important to recognize that he has already placed himself in a small minority by coming clean to his wife and beginning the process of making changes and seeking treatment. All he can do is keep moving forward. Let's give his wife the benefit of the doubt that as an intelligent, financially secure woman, she is making choices that are best for herself and her children and she doesn't need a peanut gallery of gapers proclaiming her weak. I imagine she is anything but.

 

We're not talking about a single one night stand or one affair. Sex with several other women is much bigger issue. She seems to be sticking her head in the sand for the sake of keeping up appearances and unfortunately that is cowardly. It's not like she cannot afford to take care of her children.

 

It may seem noble not to "believe" in divorce but people who think that way are naive. Some situations are just too unacceptable to stay in no matter how much a person may believe in marriage lasting forever. What if the children find out about this horrible situation when they become adults? Consider the loss of respect they may have for their mother when they realize that she stayed despite her husband's blatant lack of respect for his marriage.

[PennyP]

Hello,

 

I have no intentions of bashing you because I am also seeing someone of the side. I personally do not think you should tell her about the other women. If she finds out then she just finds out. If you tell her it will crush her. She may also know what you are doing on the side and is "turning a blind eye" to it; however I do recommend safe sex because there is too much at risk. Especially with you having sex with so many women.

 

I do have a question though. If you have been seeing other women through out your years of marriage why do you want to stop now? Did something happen? Did you have a bad experience?

 

I am also wondering if you are developing a relationship with the women or is the sex a one time thing?

 

Yes you could have a sex addiction. If you are interested in seeking help I would suggest that you seek therapy with a therapist that specializes in sex addiction.

 

I was thinking you could also be polyamorous. According to the Urban Dictionary. Polyamorous is "Being in love with more than one person; having multiple loving relationships with all parties in the know and perfectly happy." Also, people that are polyamorous may have sex with multiple partners with the full awareness of others. In your case though your wife does not know.

[karena70]

Hello,

 

I have no intentions of bashing you because I am also seeing someone of the side. I personally do not think you should tell her about the other women. If she finds out then she just finds out. If you tell her it will crush her. She may also know what you are doing on the side and is "turning a blind eye" to it; however I do recommend safe sex because there is too much at risk. Especially with you having sex with so many women.

 

I do have a question though. If you have been seeing other women through out your years of marriage why do you want to stop now? Did something happen? Did you have a bad experience?

 

I am also wondering if you are developing a relationship with the women or is the sex a one time thing?

 

Yes you could have a sex addiction. If you are interested in seeking help I would suggest that you seek therapy with a therapist that specializes in sex addiction.

 

I was thinking you could also be polyamorous. According to the Urban Dictionary. Polyamorous is "Being in love with more than one person; having multiple loving relationships with all parties in the know and perfectly happy." Also, people that are polyamorous may have sex with multiple partners with the full awareness of others. In your case though your wife does not know.

 

There's been a lot of update since his first post.

 

OP, you have said several things about not wanting to have to prove yourself forever. With even ONE affair it is not usual to have to do that. In your case, that is exactly what you will need to do. You have to commit the rest of your life to proving you are trustworthy. That is just the way it is.

[ChocolateRain]

What i find sad ...according to OP the Wife is Pregnant with 4th Child !!!!

 

i can only imagine what this woman is going through , all the stress and bad news she had to endure .... situations like this can even harm an unborn child ... horrible, horrible Story ...

[wmacbride]

We're not talking about a single one night stand or one affair. Sex with several other women is much bigger issue. She seems to be sticking her head in the sand for the sake of keeping up appearances and unfortunately that is cowardly. It's not like she cannot afford to take care of her children.

 

It may seem noble not to "believe" in divorce but people who think that way are naive. Some situations are just too unacceptable to stay in no matter how much a person may believe in marriage lasting forever. What if the children find out about this horrible situation when they become adults? Consider the loss of respect they may have for their mother when they realize that she stayed despite her husband's blatant lack of respect for his marriage.

 

Oh for frig's sake.

 

This woman, who may be pregnant , just found out her husband has been sleeping around behind he back and she;s getting flack because she didn't boot his sorry behind out the minute she heard?

 

She has more than just herself to think about right now. She may well chnage her mind as tie goes by and she has had time to collect herself ad decide what she wants.

[BettyDraper]

Oh for frig's sake.

 

This woman, who may be pregnant , just found out her husband has been sleeping around behind he back and she;s getting flack because she didn't boot his sorry behind out the minute she heard?

 

She has more than just herself to think about right now. She may well chnage her mind as tie goes by and she has had time to collect herself ad decide what she wants.

 

Your tone doesn't have to be terse. We are having a grown woman conversation in an open forum. People will post opinions that you don't agree with.

 

Tossing out an unrepentant and serial cheater is not selfish when such callous actions can easily destroy a family. Joh is clearly only thinking of himself since he doesn't want to spend his whole life making up for his actions.

 

I may not have children but I grew up seeing a marriage between two people who should have been divorced. You are mistaken if you don't think that children can feel tension in a household and be adversely affected by it. It looks like you haven't even considered how detrimental huge amounts of stress is to a developing fetus either. Joh's wife may have an STD which could harm her baby as well.

 

The woman is not only staying for her children. She is choosing to be in this marriage for social status and saving face to her family. Those reasons are about self preservation.

Edited June 16, 2016 by BettyDraper

[wmacbride]

Your tone doesn't have to be terse. We are having a grown woman conversation in an open forum. People will post opinions that you don't agree with.

 

Tossing out an unrepentant and serial cheater is not selfish when such callous actions can easily destroy a family. Joh is clearly only thinking of himself since he doesn't want to spend his whole life making up for his actions.

 

I may not have children but I grew up seeing a marriage between two people who should have been divorced. You are mistaken if you don't think that children can feel tension in a household and be adversely affected by it. It looks like you haven't even considered how detrimental huge amounts of stress is to a developing fetus either. Joh's wife may have an STD which could harm her baby as well.

 

The woman is not only staying for her children. She is choosing to be in this marriage for social status and saving face to her family. Those reasons are about self preservation.

 

You are making a huge assumption based on the op;s words.

Have you talked to this woman? Asked why she is staying? Do you know or understand the dynamics of what is going on in he rind?

 

I agree with you that if the rleationship will forever be strained, it's best to end it- and I said as much. If, however, they couple is able to sort their way through it, it may be possible for them to have a good marriage after this.

 

My issue is that, right now, it's too early to say whether or not they can work things out, and it's way to early to sit in judgment and call her a coward or say she just in self preservation mode ( selfish) for wanting to stay.

 

It might even be that she sees something in him that makes her think they can move past this.

[BettyDraper]

You are making a huge assumption based on the op;s words.

Have you talked to this woman? Asked why she is staying? Do you know or understand the dynamics of what is going on in he rind?

 

I agree with you that if the rleationship will forever be strained, it's best to end it- and I said as much. If, however, they couple is able to sort their way through it, it may be possible for them to have a good marriage after this.

 

My issue is that, right now, it's too early to say whether or not they can work things out, and it's way to early to sit in judgment and call her a coward or say she just in self preservation mode ( selfish) for wanting to stay.

 

It might even be that she sees something in him that makes her think they can move past this.

 

Nobody who posts on this forum has the benefit of going into the minds of those who are being discussed unless they post here as well.

 

I thought that was obvious.

 

The OP knows his wife best and he has shared their conversations since he confessed his infidelity. There is no reason for him to lie about his wife's response to his indiscretions. He doesn't gain anything from being dishonest to LS members. Joh has been specific about his wife's reasons for staying and not all of them are about protecting others. Therefore, I have not made any assumptions.

 

It seems that you are personalizing this issue because you are a BS. I sympathize with how triggering this thread and my posts must be. Unfortunately, your reactions are irrational because my words are certainly not a personal attack regarding your choice to stay with your husband. Being objective brings clarity when giving advice.

[13Hearts]

This is where the whole reconciliation idea falls down fundamentally.

Sex is important to Joh, I guess sex is important to his wife, but the kind of sex they enjoy is miles apart.

So even if Joh is "clean" years down the road, then he is left with vanilla sex for life, (as he can hardly expect his vanilla wife to change without a great deal of resentment on her part) and as you say for someone who is non-vanilla that will send him crazy. He cannot even get it up for his wife - it is that bad...

I get the need to "punish" the ex, but that, I guess is not the only reason he is into BDSM.

 

What is he going to do then, a vanilla wife and an unsatisfied penchant for kink? - develop a porn addiction (addicts frequently swap one addiction for another), drugs, alcohol, webcam girls, escorts ... or does he just go back to chatting up that girl in accounts who once mentioned that she likes the odd "slap" during sex...

 

I think there are a whole load of reasons here why Joh came clean to his wife, not all of them were to do with "curing" his sex addiction.

My guess is that his ex is not the only woman he wants to "punish".

His highly successful, competent, responsible, "perfect" wife comes to mind here...

 

I have a feeling Joh is just someone who cannot be monogamous.

Society may want him that way, but he is not built that way, he has almost universally cheated, and "forcing" him to be something he is fundamentally not, is a bit like putting a homosexual into residential therapy to stop him being a homosexual...

VERY well-stated. Thank you. Applies to my xMM, too, who I believe is a serial cheater.

[BettyDraper]

This is where the whole reconciliation idea falls down fundamentally.

Sex is important to Joh, I guess sex is important to his wife, but the kind of sex they enjoy is miles apart.

So even if Joh is "clean" years down the road, then he is left with vanilla sex for life, (as he can hardly expect his vanilla wife to change without a great deal of resentment on her part) and as you say for someone who is non-vanilla that will send him crazy. He cannot even get it up for his wife - it is that bad...

I get the need to "punish" the ex, but that, I guess is not the only reason he is into BDSM.

 

What is he going to do then, a vanilla wife and an unsatisfied penchant for kink? - develop a porn addiction (addicts frequently swap one addiction for another), drugs, alcohol, webcam girls, escorts ... or does he just go back to chatting up that girl in accounts who once mentioned that she likes the odd "slap" during sex...

 

I think there are a whole load of reasons here why Joh came clean to his wife, not all of them were to do with "curing" his sex addiction.

My guess is that his ex is not the only woman he wants to "punish".

His highly successful, competent, responsible, "perfect" wife comes to mind here...

 

I have a feeling Joh is just someone who cannot be monogamous.

Society may want him that way, but he is not built that way, he has almost universally cheated, and "forcing" him to be something he is fundamentally not, is a bit like putting a homosexual into residential therapy to stop him being a homosexual...

 

Lots of wisdom in this post. The bottom line is that Joh is not meant to be monogamous based on his track record.

 

He also only wants to make a certain amount of effort for his marriage.

[Joh]

I don't think I'm ready to quit.

 

The thought of not having sex causes me a lot of anxiety and panic. I went to work for a few days because it was mandatory and I'm supposed to go home tonight, then treatment. I don't want to go home or treatment.

 

My wife is going to hound me for details. She said if I slept with another woman this time she would be done. I know she is lying so I did it anyway. If screwing 30 women doesn't make her want a divorce then doing a 'regular' isn't going to either. I went bareback each time which is something I have never done. I was genuinely angry at my wife for wanting to hold me back and being a stuck up lady-dog, and now I want to f*ck her even though I haven't really wanted to in a long time.

 

Part of me knows my wife would have a hard time finding a different man. Who wants to deal with a 31-year-old divorcee with (soon to be) 4 young kids. She hasn't asked for a divorce yet because she knows this. And god forbid she has to stick a 'divorcee' and 'single mom' label to herself. Everything she does is a show. Probably banging other guys on the side. If we weren't different ethnicities I'd doubt my kids were even mine.

 

I've already sunk this far. What is the point in stopping now.

[VeveCakes]

You need help.

 

Please don't bash your wife, it's making you look that much worse.

 

For the record, lots of women who are in their 30s who are mothers and divorced have no problem finding new (better) men. I have a few friends who fit this. I also think you need to realize that life for a woman doesn't depend on having a man. Being single for her would be better than being married to an inconsiderate ass.

 

Get the hell over yourself and seek therapy NOW.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't think I'm ready to quit.

 

The thought of not having sex causes me a lot of anxiety and panic. I went to work for a few days because it was mandatory and I'm supposed to go home tonight, then treatment. I don't want to go home or treatment.

 

My wife is going to hound me for details. She said if I slept with another woman this time she would be done. I know she is lying so I did it anyway. If screwing 30 women doesn't make her want a divorce then doing a 'regular' isn't going to either. I went bareback each time which is something I have never done. I was genuinely angry at my wife for wanting to hold me back and being a stuck up lady-dog, and now I want to f*ck her even though I haven't really wanted to in a long time.

 

Part of me knows my wife would have a hard time finding a different man. Who wants to deal with a 31-year-old divorcee with (soon to be) 4 young kids. She hasn't asked for a divorce yet because she knows this. And god forbid she has to stick a 'divorcee' and 'single mom' label to herself. Everything she does is a show. Probably banging other guys on the side. If we weren't different ethnicities I'd doubt my kids were even mine.

 

I've already sunk this far. What is the point in stopping now.

 

Seems you're a very angry man. I'd venture a guess you've been angry at women for a long while, possibly since that first vanilla ex (Vanilla#1) you were faithful to cheated on you but from the amount of anger you seem to have I would think your anger predates the Vanilla #1 who cheated on you.

 

Your post is so intense that it seems to indicate to me that you are harboring a deep hatred of women.

 

Is it possible that your sexual desire is actually repressed anger that bubbles out and must be satisfied by having sex with someone as a weapon? Which is why you haven't been able to have it with your wife, because you love and respect her and because she's the mother of your children.

 

Some maintain that rape isn't a sexual crime but rather a crime of anger and control. Given that you have sex with women who disgust you (you may deny that they disgust you but you have written that you don't respect them and they aren't R or M material) it seems to me that your sexual experiences are actually aggressive moves on women to satisfy your hatred of something that happened early in your life with a woman or women. Perhaps your mother. Even if she wasn't angry and abusive toward you, she may have smothered you far too much with her "love" which both drew you to her and also disgusted you.

 

Not saying the above is true but I believe it's a distinct possibility. Especially now since in this post I'm referencing you reveal that now that you're angry with your W you want to have sex with her, for the first time in a long time.

 

Seems to me your sexual acting out is actually the acting out of rage toward women.