fands Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 A man can not have his cake and eat his cake. Until now, that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 Presumably just that he's away on business since he's gone half the time anyway. Could be. If it's similar to in-patient treatment for other types of addiction, they don't allow contact with the outside world - no cell phone, email, social media, etc. Would be hard to check in with the wife and kids. Although given how full his calendar must be, maybe there isn't much family communication anyway... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joh Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. she will still need answers...are you prepared to tell her why? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. Joh, This is the cowards way out. Do not take it. Your only path left is to tell your wife everything and let the chips fall as they may. I wish you luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 No, it is not the cowards way out. It is the right thing to do How he does it , doesnt matter. Just get it done and go. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. While this is a decision only you can make you need to make one other as well. Are you serious about getting help for your sexual issues? Because if you don't get professional help your relationship with your exwife and kids will be based on lies...... And anyfuture relationships are doomed..... You need to fix you Joh. No one else can do it. “It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.” Esther Perel 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 On some level, your wife already knows you're cheating. I don't have any answers for you. If you really wanted to stop, you'd stop. It really is that simple. The truth is, you're not motivated to stop because you have too much opportunity, and you and your wife are too disconnected. It's possible that you enjoy the secrecy and the forbidden elements of an affair. And you're addicted to the "high" of being with someone new. You probably should either divorce your wife, or completely stop having sex with her before you transmit an STD to her. That would be more horrible than your cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 On some level, your wife already knows you're cheating. I don't have any answers for you. If you really wanted to stop, you'd stop. It really is that simple. The truth is, you're not motivated to stop because you have too much opportunity, and you and your wife are too disconnected. It's possible that you enjoy the secrecy and the forbidden elements of an affair. And you're addicted to the "high" of being with someone new. You probably should either divorce your wife, or completely stop having sex with her before you transmit an STD to her. That would be more horrible than your cheating. Why does every OW try to convince themselves that the BW knows 'on some level'? Is it because you want to feel superior to the stupid and naive wife? This is a patently untrue statement. Good liars are good liars..and they're lying to the OW as much as they're lying to the BS in most cases. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. She does deserve better and she also needs to know why it isn't her fault. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. "Spare"? SPARE her the details??? Oh, right - this is you, being unselfish and compassionate. You haven't understood a thing. For her NOT to grieve but rather the opposite - to celebrate being rid of you - you must clarify with no room for doubt that it is absolutely 100% on you and none of it is on her. First it's imperative that she be convinced IT'S NOT HER FAULT and second, frankly, you need to allow her to hate you. I've been trying to avoid saying the H word, but there's no other way since you're either unable to figure it out or you only know how to seduce. Unselfish and compassionate means giving her the opportunity to know what a royal POS you are. Truly remorseful means allowing her to hate you so that she won't suffer, miss you, or blame herself. THAT is the takeaway and the focus, the point of telling her everything: Give her what she needs to celebrate having you out of her life. I don't think you need to fake it. Just give her the whole truth. It's quite enough. You have not earned, do not deserve to save face or allow her to retain feelings for you. You have NO right whatsoever to make this easy on yourself, so make no excuses, blame no one or nothing else and do not gloss over the extent your deception, the sophistication of your mating rituals or length of time you've indulged yourself in your pattern of serial cheating. Do you not see this yet? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) Wow. I hope you get the picture now. That was so deep, I cant even "like" it Edited June 7, 2016 by 66Charger 4 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) What else could he possibly make up that he's leaving her for? Oh honey, I've found someone better than you? I wasn't bashing. I know he asked us not to do that. And I wasn't kidding. I was saying what he needs to be/do for her. I mean he came here calling it what it was: "I'm addicted to cheating on my wife." So what's wrong with saying the facts he gave here to her? How about OP's first post for a script? Just change "my wife" to "you" - I have something difficult to tell you. I have had a problem for a while that I should have done something about a long time ago. It's time I told you. First, I do love you. You are a great woman and take good care of our family.You have worked extremely hard to get where you are today in your career and life. You have been a good partner. You didn't do anything. It's me. I have been cheating for 8 years. It’s become -or maybe it always has been- an addiction to me. I need the rush and excitement of seeing another woman. I’ve joined numerous dating and sex sites, including paid ones that I hid in another bank account that you are unaware of. I have had 2 solid relationships go on. One lasted a year and the other lasted 3 years. There have been numerous flings that lasted a few months and many hook ups. I am not proud to say, that I have slept with about 30 women during my marriage. I am not proud of it but cannot stop myself from doing it. I initiated marriage counseling but because I couldn't admit to cheating it didn’t accomplish anything. I know it’s wrong. I have tried to stop many, many times but I always find myself back in bed with another woman who is not you. I know I am a terrible person for doing this to my wife and family. I know the health risks I am taking and the risks of losing or humiliating my family. I know my wife and family deserve better. I want to be better for them. I have been going to individual counseling to try and get to the roots of WHY I'm cheating but so far it has not helped. It is wrong to continue doing this behind your back, so I'm telling you. I'm so sorry. And I do hope you get help, OP. Have you tried group therapy? Check out the movie "Thanks for sharing" some time. Edited June 7, 2016 by merrmeade 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChocolateRain Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Well i guess only '' MY '' post got deleted ( lol ) So i will behave with this post .... none the less i hope OP does the right thing and divorce her ... many men look for good women and/or would be blessed to have someone decent in their life . Others just abuse privileges ... OP , i hope you really follow through let her go ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 This whole thread literally makes the bile rise...its been a while since I've read anything so blatantly vile... Op, will you really say a WORD to your wife, divorce or otherwise, or will you wait until you either poison the poor woman's body with whatever toxins you've collected from your concubines, or you have completely poisoned any ounce of love or respect she ever had for you WHEN she discovers the depths of your depravity? I also doubt that someone with these issues can truly have the courage needed to address their behaviour without the catalyst of discovery, and even then there is so much more underneath it all.... I have attempted to see some positive outcome for you, but failed miserably I'm afraid. Now I must go and throw up.. Do excuse me... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 OP, it will be hard to admit to your wife why you want a divorce. but it's something you need to do. It will force you to face your issues, which can be the first step in solving them. Secondly, it will give your wife the gift of not spending the rest of her life wondering what she did wrong that made you want a divorce. This honesty is especially important as she is a mother and will need to be there emotionally for your children, just as you will. Knowing why you want a divorce will allow her the opportunity to make a clean break and grieve losing her marriage. This will make it possible for her to begin to move on in her life. If you love her at all, be kind and gentle when you tell her you want a divorce. Take responsibility for your choice and give he the gift of being ale to walk away without having to ask herself "why?' for the rest of her life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 How he does it , doesnt matter. Not to him or anyone else. To her it will, and rightly so. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Why does every OW try to convince themselves that the BW knows 'on some level'? Is it because you want to feel superior to the stupid and naive wife? This is a patently untrue statement. Good liars are good liars..and they're lying to the OW as much as they're lying to the BS in most cases. Everyone knows things on a deeper level than they will often acknowledge. The statement is a compliment to our higher senses, not a way to feel superior. Most women in particular are extremely intuitive. My main point is that he may think he's pulling something over on his wife but he's really not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I completely disagree that you need to tell your wife why you're leaving her. While she probably knows in her heart of hearts what you've been doing, hearing it is a whole other thing. If you're leaving, there's absolutely no need to hurt her with the truth of what you've done. Full disclosure is not always the best solution. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I completely disagree that you need to tell your wife why you're leaving her. While she probably knows in her heart of hearts what you've been doing, hearing it is a whole other thing. If you're leaving, there's absolutely no need to hurt her with the truth of what you've done. Full disclosure is not always the best solution. Isn't it down to her to make that call, though? In the case she does ask for full disclosure, doesn't she deserve to know the exact reasons as to why her marriage has fallen apart, if only so she doesn't repeat the same mistakes with someone else later on? What if the truth comes to her later on, from a third party? OP is hurting her already by leaving her anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. she will still need answers...are you prepared to tell her why? Joh, I hope you don't see this as an escape from your issues, a way of avoiding dealing with them. Even if you did divorce (which should be your wife's decision, not yours), you'll be tied to her through your kids for the rest of your life. This means countless interactions where all the unsaid secrets and lies hang over everyone's head - not a pretty picture. Drag it out into the open, as painful as it will be it's the only way forward. Your therapist can help you with this - trust me, it's not a new concept and you're not the first WS to dig a deep hole. Shine some light in... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Everyone knows things on a deeper level than they will often acknowledge. . If this is the case, then the excuse used by so many ow/om that they trust their mm/mw is telling them the truth doesn't wash. A husband or wife who loves their spouse often sees only the good in them, and the notion that they could be cheating is the furthest thing from their mind. She may sense something is wrong, but not connect it to him having multiple affairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I completely disagree that you need to tell your wife why you're leaving her. While she probably knows in her heart of hearts what you've been doing, hearing it is a whole other thing. If you're leaving, there's absolutely no need to hurt her with the truth of what you've done. Full disclosure is not always the best solution. Some will advocate for honesty because they don't understand that it's the cheating that did the damage, not the disclosure. This is especially true in this situation where there has been multiple cases of cheating. This is due to an issue in the ws, not the bs. If the bs is aware of the reality of the situation, it will allow her to divest herself from responsibility for her spouse's behavior. No one is suggesting it will be a cakewalk for her, but it's a far better situation than for her to send the rest of her life wondering what she did to drive her husband to seek a divorce. The truth that he had an issue with being with just one woman will help relieve her of that burden. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Some will advocate for honesty because they don't understand that it's the cheating that did the damage, not the disclosure. This is especially true in this situation where there has been multiple cases of cheating. This is due to an issue in the ws, not the bs. If the bs is aware of the reality of the situation, it will allow her to divest herself from responsibility for her spouse's behavior. No one is suggesting it will be a cakewalk for her, but it's a far better situation than for her to send the rest of her life wondering what she did to drive her husband to seek a divorce. The truth that he had an issue with being with just one woman will help relieve her of that burden. If he really loves her, and cannot just be with one woman, he will tell his wife all. If he does not, she will think that she is the problem. There is also his children to think of. In any case, no matter what he does, he is going to hurt the people he loves. As this is going to happen, as the truth will come out, it is way better to own up to it, and own it, then to hide. Who know, his wife may decide to help him trough this. I am always surprised, by the depth of love that can come out, but it all is hinged on truth and honesty. He needs the courage to take a leap of faith. I wish him luck..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 While I do not advocate not telling her he has been been unfaithful "several times" and cannot be faithful in a marriage, how do you tell someone that you had sex with 30 women.....multiple times? How many times was it? 100? 200? 300? Thats really dirty, bro. Facts not details is all I am saying. As I said, just get it done. 66 out Link to post Share on other sites
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