waterwoman Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 " I want a divorce because I have come to realise I am not cut out for monogamy and cannot remain faithful." That way you tell her enough of the truth to put the blame where it belongs rather than leaving her to wonder what she did wrong. Any further details she needs she can ask for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 When do you plan to tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joh Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 I plan to tell her today in therapy. I went this morning to talk it through and she's going to go with me this afternoon. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Good luck... you will be surprised what a good woman will put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joh Posted June 7, 2016 Author Share Posted June 7, 2016 Good luck... you will be surprised what a good woman will put up with. We will see... I don't see how anyone could stay with and support a spouse who has done what I have, over so many years. I have been having sex with other women for almost the whole relationship and our whole marriage. I slept with two other women the night before our wedding for gods sake. She needs someone better, not a decade wasted with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 She needs someone better, not a decade wasted with me. The point of all this is that will be her decision to make. You're doing the right thing. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I slept with two other women the night before our wedding for gods sake. . Wow. The more you talk the worse this gets 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Good luck... you will be surprised what a good woman will put up with. It happens! There are women out there (and men too) that just need their spouse for appearances and the money. It is possible his wife may not care that much! For him or about what he's been doing? She could potentially say I don't care that much about you - just bring me your paycheck and pretend like you're a good husband when you're here... It happens... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce and spare her the details. She deserves better. Good decision. Agreed, though you do need to tell her that you are divorcing her because you are unfaithful to her. If I were unfaithful to my hubby, he has every right in the world to know about my infidelity; he wouldn't want to know the details though. He would want to never see me again, which is understandable since faithfulness is a big deal to both of us; faithfulness is part of our marriage vows. Unfaithfulness = divorce in my marriage Edited June 7, 2016 by BetheButterfly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I don’t want to lose my wife and family. They are very important to me. When I cheated for the first time I thought that would be it. That I needed a little release and things would stay fine with the relationship (not married at the time). However it was like a quickly spinning deep hole that sucked me in and I couldn’t stop. I cannot get over the thrill of seeing another woman naked and touching her body and experiencing her. The thrill of not knowing if I will be caught. Having many women want and enjoy me makes me feel good. Watching another woman please me. I get turned on just thinking about possible other women I could have. I know it’s wrong. I have tried to stop many, many times but I always find myself back in bed with another woman who is not my wife. I know I am a terrible person for doing this to my wife and family. I know the health risks I am taking and the risks of losing or humiliating my family. I know my wife and family deserve better. I want to be better for them. I have been going to individual counseling to try and get to the roots of WHY I'm cheating but so far it has not helped. Personally, I believe God can help you change, but you have to want God's help, and you have to endure mental suffering by voluntarily not allowing your mind to lust after other women. Not every man or woman is strong enough to change; it truly takes strength to do so, supernatural strength - in my opinion. Sexual addictions are just as difficult to repent from as heroin addiction is for some people. Unfaithfulness has become your drug of choice, and in order to get free from it, it will be painful emotionally and mentally, but cleansing spiritually - in my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Personally, I believe God can help you change, but you have to want God's help, and you have to endure mental suffering by voluntarily not allowing your mind to lust after other women. Not every man or woman is strong enough to change; it truly takes strength to do so, supernatural strength - in my opinion. Let's be real...it takes desire and Joh would need to have that "want to change myself" attitude - to accomplish any new behavior. He hasn't really said he intends to change. And therefore - it's probably best to spare his wife more pain in her future. At least by giving her his opinion about ending the marriage. This kind of pain is always excruciating in the beginning. Hopefully his wife will know it isn't about her at all. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 telling her in a therapy session is a good idea, as she will have someone to provide her with some support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Isn't it down to her to make that call, though? In the case she does ask for full disclosure, doesn't she deserve to know the exact reasons as to why her marriage has fallen apart, if only so she doesn't repeat the same mistakes with someone else later on? What if the truth comes to her later on, from a third party? OP is hurting her already by leaving her anyway. This discussion gets debated quite often on this site. The problem is, people make the assumption that the BS actually wants to hear the facts. Not everyone wants to know. In my opinion, it just causes unnecessary pain. And, no, since it's his lie, she doesn't get to decide. Whether he tells her or not, he's the one that decides for her. This is just a harsh truth. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 " I want a divorce because I have come to realise I am not cut out for monogamy and cannot remain faithful." That way you tell her enough of the truth to put the blame where it belongs rather than leaving her to wonder what she did wrong. Any further details she needs she can ask for. This statement is a good way to break the news. It takes responsibility for the situation, provides some background without getting to far into the down and dirty details. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) This discussion gets debated quite often on this site. The problem is, people make the assumption that the BS actually wants to hear the facts. Not everyone wants to know. In my opinion, it just causes unnecessary pain. And, no, since it's his lie, she doesn't get to decide. Whether he tells her or not, he's the one that decides for her. This is just a harsh truth. In my opinion, this is some of the worst possible advice for this situation. When someone is married, they are one half of something larger than themselves. this is not his lie to keep to himself. He has several other people to consider, especially his children. He can either tell her the truth and give her the gift of being able to emotionally detach from him far more easily, or keep his extracurricular activities to himslef and just tell her he wants a divorce, If he does that, he'll burden her with forever wondering what it was that she did wrong to drive him away. Edited June 7, 2016 by wmacbride 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 This discussion gets debated quite often on this site. The problem is, people make the assumption that the BS actually wants to hear the facts. Not everyone wants to know. In my opinion, it just causes unnecessary pain. And, no, since it's his lie, she doesn't get to decide. Whether he tells her or not, he's the one that decides for her. This is just a harsh truth. Yeah, but just leaving her and not telling her why? So she can think it was something she did, then? It's the rare human being that would just accept that and not ask questions or put it on themselves. He has to give her some insight into the why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 It happens! There are women out there (and men too) that just need their spouse for appearances and the money. It is possible his wife may not care that much! For him or about what he's been doing? She could potentially say I don't care that much about you - just bring me your paycheck and pretend like you're a good husband when you're here... It happens... Totally 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 It happens! There are women out there (and men too) that just need their spouse for appearances and the money. It is possible his wife may not care that much! For him or about what he's been doing? She could potentially say I don't care that much about you - just bring me your paycheck and pretend like you're a good husband when you're here... It happens... Very true. Some women do not care about a cheating husband as long as he keeps supplying a good lifestyle and appearances are kept up. I couldn't live that way but I realize that some women care more about how they are perceived by others than a faithful husband. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Personally, I believe God can help you change, but you have to want God's help, and you have to endure mental suffering by voluntarily not allowing your mind to lust after other women. Not every man or woman is strong enough to change; it truly takes strength to do so, supernatural strength - in my opinion. Sexual addictions are just as difficult to repent from as heroin addiction is for some people. Unfaithfulness has become your drug of choice, and in order to get free from it, it will be painful emotionally and mentally, but cleansing spiritually - in my opinion. I agree with you but I also realize that not everyone believes in God; faith based advice will go in through one ear and out the other in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I plan to tell her today in therapy. I went this morning to talk it through and she's going to go with me this afternoon. Good for you. Please don't chicken out. Be honest about why you are leaving. After the divorce is final, do not marry again unless you and your next wife agree to a polyamorous relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 Go buy the largest box of domino's you see and put them standing up back to back until you have the last one. Then just drop the first one and just watch them all crumble. Thats about to be your life weather you tell your wife or not....why do I say such things, becouse in the end we all get what we deserve. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I agree with you but I also realize that not everyone believes in God; faith based advice will go in through one ear and out the other in this case. Yes... And not everyone believes in marriage - and the vows they take... Link to post Share on other sites
Moxie Lady Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 We will see... I don't see how anyone could stay with and support a spouse who has done what I have, over so many years. I have been having sex with other women for almost the whole relationship and our whole marriage. I slept with two other women the night before our wedding for gods sake. She needs someone better, not a decade wasted with me. Who does this? This is worse than a Lifetime movie. It almost sounds like you are proud of it and bragging. This isnt sex addiction, even an "addict" can keep it in his pants the night before his wedding. This is just some guy whose sorry ego depends on dipping his wick in strange random women. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) Yes... And not everyone believes in marriage - and the vows they take... I never understood the point of getting married and then having affairs. It seems like it would have been better for the OP to stay single. Of course, that would have also meant that he couldn't have the joy of an admiring wife and children while living the single life during his time away from home. I suppose some people are greedy and feel entitled to fun on the side. With respect to advising the OP not to share every detail with his wife, it is quite common for BS to be obsessed with how infidelity transpired as well as the extent of the betrayal. I agree that the OP should not volunteer this information but I doubt that his wife will not have any follow up questions once he reveals that he cannot stay faithful. Edited June 7, 2016 by BettyDraper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 10 characters 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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