This isn't normal

[hirokitakako]

how long has it been?

 

It's been two years and I'm still in pretty bad shape.

I have better times but when I'm facing obstacles (like right now) I feel very vulnerable.

 

Fortunately I haven't seen her for a while. But I know it wouldn't be good for me.

[Hoosfoos]

It's been 2+ years, I'm ashamed to say. I've done everything right since it ended.

[bummer]

It's been 2+ years, I'm ashamed to say. I've done everything right since it ended.

 

Do not feel ashamed if it takes two more years, or more! If you're true NC and focused on making yourself happy then eventually you'll turn another corner and think of her with a mild indifference and smile.

 

Grieving takes time. I wake up every morning dreaming this nightmare whatifs about my ex. I know they will last for months if not longer as my subconscience battles the unexplainable. I wish I could erase her from my mind too.

 

Not that its you, but learning about BPD and codependency and love addiction has shown me that I likely have an unhealthy caretaker mindset which leads me to emotionally unavailable women. Again, not necessarily you, but knowing your true self and addressing your issues can help you turn that corner. I take comfort knowing my grieving will include serious self reflection to grasp my contribution to my failed relationship. I know it will take time. You got it, bro.

[bummer]

Things have been consistently s#itty since she left - idiot friends, bat**** crazy family, no money, no dates and a humiliating encounter with some other girl, and struggling with career and future. She gets off scott free and has everything she needs.

 

Had no idea that I would be still feeling this way after so long. This isn't normal. FML, f*ck this world.

 

you're associating many unconnected things to one negative event. Try to compartmentalize this a bit to ease the pain?

 

Straight up ignore idiot friends. They don't deserve you if they aren't supporting you or are doing other things which make you question them. Just like a bad ex, drop them NC.

 

Your family is crazy? Spend the least amount of necessary time and energy on them. You need your time and energy. Try being positive and pleasant even if you don't feel it.

 

No money? No career or future? Focus your energy HERE. Find advice, read self help books. Boost your confidence and take one step at a time.

 

No dates and humiliating encounters? You don't need girls now. Save money and heartache. What was so humiliating?

 

Lastly, if it helps, tell yourself her life sucks. Not healthy to wish misery on others, but it helps me just to imagine the screw ups my ex will make without me. She sucks for leaving and that's a fact.

[Hoosfoos]

you're associating many unconnected things to one negative event. Try to compartmentalize this a bit to ease the pain?

 

Straight up ignore idiot friends. They don't deserve you if they aren't supporting you or are doing other things which make you question them. Just like a bad ex, drop them NC.

 

To be clearer, we are in much different places in life, have different values, and don't appreciate the same things, and are utterly boring and predictable.

 

Your family is crazy? Spend the least amount of necessary time and energy on them. You need your time and energy. Try being positive and pleasant even if you don't feel it.

 

Several members of my family can be described as awkward at best, and I've got a suspicion that my family's politics is one of the reasons she left.

 

No money? No career or future? Focus your energy HERE. Find advice, read self help books. Boost your confidence and take one step at a time.

 

I've taken huge steps to change this (in fact, my return to school is the major reason she left (she refused to wait 2 more years)), but there are more steps to take and i have not yet yielded any results.

 

No dates and humiliating encounters? You don't need girls now. Save money and heartache. What was so humiliating?

 

It has been a TOTAL disaster. Tinder does nothing for me, no proper dates, and one evening last summer, someone who I thought I had a chance with ditched me at the bar and started making out with other guys.

 

Lastly, if it helps, tell yourself her life sucks. Not healthy to wish misery on others, but it helps me just to imagine the screw ups my ex will make without me. She sucks for leaving and that's a fact.

 

Tough to say that about someone who is hyperdriven and is always able to surround herself with like-minded people. I don't have that luxury.

[SixxChick]

I likely have an unhealthy caretaker mindset which leads me to emotionally unavailable women.

 

This is SO me (with men). And, I have learned that you can't rescue somebody who does not want to be rescued. Also, it's not our job, nor does it make for a healthy relationship. Thanks for sharing.

[bummer]

Tough to say that about someone who is hyperdriven and is always able to surround herself with like-minded people. I don't have that luxury.

 

Hoosfoos,

 

I'm no guru, just a bro struggling next to you, but the depressed and negative language tells me there's some personal things to straighten out which may ease your coping.

 

You DO have the luxury of choosing your friends, choosing how you interact with family, and choosing how you make money.

 

Nothing you describe suggests you need to see your "friends" again. Start a new hobby, sport, gym and start making new friends. Socializing with new dudes can give you new tips for girls too.

 

You should distance yourself from your family as much as seems healthy. You sir, need less drama and more positive influences. Definitely keep girls away from the fam until the relationship is going great, but thinking about girls should be last on the list.

 

Tinder is tinder. I've had girls I've connected with or been on a date with who ended the night with someone else. Water under the bridge, don't get attached so quickly. Get better friends first!

 

Job. Good for you for thinking about your career. Two more years will open many opportunities so be patient. If she couldn't wait, she wasn't worth it and wasn't the one. My ex couldn't wait either. She sucks. Your ex sucks too. Make decisions which will make you happy first. Girls will find a happy confident man much more attractive.

 

Your ex is no rock star. Make sure you are really no contact and can't see anything. Her life is hers now and you only reset the NC/moving on clock every time you look at her Facebook or whatever.

 

Be excellent to yourself, bro. Focus on school/work, exercise and FIND NEW FRIENDS. Who knows maybe a new social group will have your next girl who's on the same page as you and tolerates your eccentric family.