Affair Detox

[Chica80]

Hi I am new to this forum. I have been reading other people's stories and finally decided to post. Need Help

 

My story:

I have been married almost nine years. I have two children. My husband and I have always had a very cyclical relationship. Not always healthy. Honeymoon phase- Fights- We ignore eachother- we make and vow to make it work. Never any physical abuse, but yes emotional. We have tried counseling a couple times. Nothing more than a couple sessions (his choice not mine).

 

Last year while out with co-workers one night, after everyone else had gone home my AP and I went out drinking dancing. I got drunk and was unable to drive for a while so we ended up talking till I was ok to drive home. We talk like you do when your drunk, "secrets". He asked if there was anyone I liked at work I said no. He confessed he liked this girl (me) he didn't say was implied. I said we are not going there. I went home. The thing is I had always admired him and liked talking to him. I did find him attractive but I had never thought anything of it. I did not want that for myself my marriage or anyone else. He was engaged.

A couple of days later my husband and I get into one of our big fights. I was upset and hurt. From there said I'm done. Asked AP out for drinks and that was it that was the end for me.

My husband and I continued to fight I said I was done, we tried counseling again no help. I confessed to my husband I had feelings for someone else that I couldn't see us working anymore. He wanted to work things out.

We carried on a PA and EA for five months. He got married. Meanwhile my relationship kept deteriorating.

I said I would not continue to have a relationship when he got married. At first I tried to stay away not talk not see eachother. The most we've gone NC is two weeks.

Since all of this has started I've now moved out. Have been living on my own for 6months. My kids go back and forth.

This relationship has been going on for about 16months. We've tried not talking. Then we start talking try to be just friends it ends up being physical and sepeate, miss eachother again starts all over.

My dept is small and we work close together. I've looked for other jobs tried changing shifts etc.

The worse is if we are in social outings I have to see him with his wife. She's always so nice to me it feels so awful. If I ignore him and try to stay away he will text me later. "to check that I'm ok" he doesn't want to hurt me or hurt her or lead a double life. But it doesn't end......

I try to stay busy, focus on my kids when they are with me. But when I'm alone and don't have plans that is the hard part.

I have been in therapy for a year now.

 

Sorry I know it's long I just don't know how to get out. It hurts when together it hurts when apart.

[loveisanaction]

You've left your husband, your affair partner hasn't left is wife and it doesn't seem like he's going to. So what do you expect to happen now? That you'll continue to be your married man's other woman?

 

You both work together. What happens if his wife finds out? You think he won't throw you under the bus like 99.9% of married men do on DDay?

 

Go and read the stories on here of women (married and single) who got into affairs with their married co-workers. Read how these men treated them after the affair was discovered by the betrayed spouse, read how these women couldn't believe that the man that they had been sleeping with (some for years) this very same man who had talked about the future with them, professed their love to them just a few weeks earlier were now treating these women as if they were cancer, avoiding them as if they were the plague and ignoring them as if they were nothing but common strangers.

 

You think you're hurting now? Try working with your married man after DDay or after the guilt of being in affair with you becomes too heavy for him. As for the guilt part, it seems like he's already on his way there.

Edited June 4, 2016 by loveisanaction
Grammatical Error

[Chica80]

I don't expect him to leave his wife. I've never asked him to. We've never talked about a future.And yes I've thought about the fact if she found out he would deny our relationship.

It's not about him. It's about me. I don't know how to get out of this. Like I said I've tried several times as has he we end up at the same place. I wrote on this forum because I see other people's stories. Some similar. I have support but it's different from someone who's been there.

[lemondrop21]

I understand.

 

Things that have helped me aside from NC include: acting indifferent; telling him that the situation upsets me and not apologizing if he gets defensive; making decisions about my life and not informing him (because why should I); traveling on my own (I was always a solo traveler though) and with girlfriends; casual dating (took some time to work my way into it); picking up a project that I had delayed for a year due to the A even though focusing is excruciating at times - I feel SO accomplished when I am able to focus on something productive.

 

I still have really bad days sometimes but overall I'm in a much better place in the last several months. Also, I was total NC at the beginning of the year for five weeks and it's never been the same since even after resuming some contact. It really can help break the spell and remind you that you CAN go on living without this person in your life.

[Sabella]

Hi Sunshine

 

Well, it's going to be hard, I won't sugar coat it. The A is full of emotions both high and low and it becomes addictive, for lack of a better word. I think you really need to get to a place, within yourself, where you realize you deserve more. Even if this means being alone. It's kind of like you need to hit rock bottom.

 

In the heat of my A I was consumed with thoughts of AP, so much so that many things just passed me by. I was never living in the moment or even enjoying the small things my kids did, right in front of me. That is my one huge regret, that I let so much life slip by me, you can't get that back.

 

No one can force you to end things and mean it. You have to get there yourself. Maybe reading stories here will help. We will certainly support you when you are feeling down. Big hugs to you, I wish you strength and clarity moving ahead!

[loveisanaction]

There is a saying that goes...If you want to know what your life will look like 5 years from now take a look at what you are doing today.

 

You have to take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if this is how you see yourself 5 years from now...as the other woman to a married man.

 

If the answer is no then you have to start the moving on process today because getting over an affair isn't going to be easy neither is it going to be quick.

 

Your NC should start immediately, that is blocking your married man everywhere with absolutely no communication with him whatsoever unless it's work related. This also means sticking to NC and not caving in because the pain of being without him has become too unbearable.

 

Posters are always saying..I don't know how to get out of my affair but the question they really should be asking is...do i want to? Because when you are truly determined to get over someone you will do everything in your power to get over them.

[Sabella]

There is a saying that goes...If you want to know what your life will look like 5 years from now take a look at what you are doing today.

 

You have to take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if this is how you see yourself 5 years from now...as the other woman to a married man.

 

If the answer is no then you have to start the moving on process today because getting over an affair isn't going to be easy neither is it going to be quick.

 

Your NC should start immediately, that is blocking your married man everywhere with absolutely no communication with him whatsoever unless it's work related. This also means sticking to NC and not caving in because the pain of being without him has become too unbearable.

 

Posters are always saying..I don't know how to get out of my affair but the question they really should be asking is...do i want to? Because when you are truly determined to get over someone you will do everything in your power to get over them.

^ this^

Over 3 years we went back and forth "tying" to end it. Why is this time sticking? I have no magic answer. He did what he often did, pulled back from me with guilt. It was like clockwork with him every 6 months or so. Usually I would pull him back to me, trying to be friends, which would never work and we would end up right back where we started.

 

This time, finally, I could not live with myself any longer. The A was just eating up at my soul and I didn't like who I had become. I was done. I still hurt, but I cant go back to that. I hope you are there too now. Please try.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Towards the end of my affair in March or so of this year there was this thing that hit me. The affair passed its 1 year mark and things became somehow familiar, as they were last year. The same dynamic of his life, things he does on long weekends or any other weekend with his wife, times of the year when he takes vacations with his family while I'm alone waiting for him to find that stolen moments, times in between to come and see me. It became repetitive, just like last year.

 

That was probably the "a-ha" moment for me. I remember that I asked myself at that point if that is the place I want to find myself next year, year after, and year after.....

 

The answer was clearly NO!

 

Looking back, I think that was the very first moment when I really wanted to get of the A. No matter how hard, painful, devastating getting out was gonna be. And, is. I knew I had to get out. I did.

 

Now, I have to continue with my life, and be kind to myself. You can do it, too!

[ShatteredLady]

This is man who went through engagement, MARRIAGE whilst having an affair with you! Are they trying for a baby yet? How will that make you feel?

 

This is so shocking. How many days before & after his wedding was he with you? Did he contact you from his honeymoon? He was actively with you when he spoke his wedding vows!

 

This is NOT a good person & please don't say that you were cheating too! There's a HUGE difference between turning to someone else while your marriage is imploding & having an affair whilst planning & experiencing your WEDDING DAY!

 

Focus on the truth of this. The truth of him. Imagine being his poor NEW WIFE.

 

You clearly needed someone at that time in your life. Now everything should be about your future. You don't want this man in your life! Please NC. Please learn & grow & move on.

 

His actions are horrific!

 

Start actively searching for a new job urgently...as if you knew you were about to be laid off...

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi I am new to this forum. I have been reading other people's stories and finally decided to post. Need Help

 

My story:

I have been married almost nine years. I have two children. My husband and I have always had a very cyclical relationship. Not always healthy. Honeymoon phase- Fights- We ignore eachother- we make and vow to make it work. Never any physical abuse, but yes emotional. We have tried counseling a couple times. Nothing more than a couple sessions (his choice not mine).

 

Last year while out with co-workers one night, after everyone else had gone home my AP and I went out drinking dancing. I got drunk and was unable to drive for a while so we ended up talking till I was ok to drive home. We talk like you do when your drunk, "secrets". He asked if there was anyone I liked at work I said no. He confessed he liked this girl (me) he didn't say was implied. I said we are not going there. I went home. The thing is I had always admired him and liked talking to him. I did find him attractive but I had never thought anything of it. I did not want that for myself my marriage or anyone else. He was engaged.

A couple of days later my husband and I get into one of our big fights. I was upset and hurt. From there said I'm done. Asked AP out for drinks and that was it that was the end for me.

My husband and I continued to fight I said I was done, we tried counseling again no help. I confessed to my husband I had feelings for someone else that I couldn't see us working anymore. He wanted to work things out.

We carried on a PA and EA for five months. He got married. Meanwhile my relationship kept deteriorating.

I said I would not continue to have a relationship when he got married. At first I tried to stay away not talk not see eachother. The most we've gone NC is two weeks.

Since all of this has started I've now moved out. Have been living on my own for 6months. My kids go back and forth.

This relationship has been going on for about 16months. We've tried not talking. Then we start talking try to be just friends it ends up being physical and sepeate, miss eachother again starts all over.

My dept is small and we work close together. I've looked for other jobs tried changing shifts etc.

The worse is if we are in social outings I have to see him with his wife. She's always so nice to me it feels so awful. If I ignore him and try to stay away he will text me later. "to check that I'm ok" he doesn't want to hurt me or hurt her or lead a double life. But it doesn't end......

I try to stay busy, focus on my kids when they are with me. But when I'm alone and don't have plans that is the hard part.

I have been in therapy for a year now.

 

Sorry I know it's long I just don't know how to get out. It hurts when together it hurts when apart.

 

The highlighted part is a lie I told myself so many times and one my exMM told me all the time too. The reality of the situation is he IS hurting you he IS hurting his wife he IS hurting his family and he IS hurting himself and I can guarantee you that unless you end it or there is a DDAY he will not stop keeping you hooked. He has his family, his wife and you and he is perfectly happy living in his fantasy world with no regards for anyone else. He watches you suffer and he watches his wife suffer but yet he does nothing- he makes no choice. It took me so LONG to recognize this in both myself as a MW and my exMM but once I did I was so deeply ashamed at my own selfish needs. He is selfish so extremely selfish and you need to ask yourself is this the type of person you want to destroy yourself, your heart, and your dignity for, a weak man who chooses to hurt those he loves rather than make a decision and lose something in his life that brings him pleasure?

 

It sucks seeing him at work trust me I work very CLOSELY with my exMM and it hurts but stopping the affair and moving on can be done. I am no different then you, not stronger, not smarter, and I was just as hooked on my exMM.

 

You deserve better then scraps of his attention and his time. Have you heard the song Stay by Sugarland? Listen to the song and watch the video!

 

HUGS!!

[Chica80]

Thank you so much for your advice its helpful.

 

Shattered: Yes we were together a week before he left to get married. Yes we text while on his honeymoon. Even while being in different parts of the world. Sometimes I feel like he can "justify". Oh its only friendly conversation. But it doesn't feel right.

 

Hecantbreakme: Yes that's what I think too. He doesn't make a choice, why should he have to when I keep coming back. If we don't talk for a while or see eachother and I say want to go to dinner or drinks. He'll say yes, " he didn't think anything would happen" because he wants to be friends

 

I think about that, his wife. They are newly married and this is supposed to be a happy time. Right? If they have kids yes I would feel devastated. Not just for myself.

I'm not saying I'm the victim, yes I knowingly went into this relationship Because I do, I hold onto those "crumbs" When things are falling apart around me or hard. But it's not enough I keep trying to tell myself.