alwaysgreener Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 (edited) My family is geographically spread out, I don't talk to them much but the love is still there. I have one of those "funerals and weddings only" kind of families. On the occasions we do get together, I really cherish the catching up and bonding. My aunt passed back around X-mas 2014, we traveled to the service. My gf was mad with me a majority of the trip because I wanted to spend time around my family that I haven't seen in years. We are going to my cousin's wedding in a few weeks, and she is warning me that if it's going to happen again, she will stay home. She does not want to sit around bored way past the time she's ready to go. It's a quick trip, showing up the day before and she wants to just rest up with maybe a quick "hello" to everybody, spend the wedding day with my family, and leave the next day. We are bringing our 2 year old and her teenage daughter as well, part of the argument was about our youngun needing rest, but this time around he's older and can hang later if he's having a good time imo. I get the argument from her about being considerate and I can see her side, but how do I juggle the two? Am I being unreasonable to want to hangout with the fam and do I just need to plan another trip for hanging out? Leave her and kids behind? Or just suck it up for the sake of my family? She's closer to her family and talks and sees them often. I don't. Edited June 4, 2016 by alwaysgreener Link to post Share on other sites
Conviction Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 My ex was the same way. She is very close to her family, as am I. Our relationship was so one sided in the family aspect, it was unreal. We visited with at least one of her family members at least every other day. But if I wanted to go visit my family, it was always a fight. I remember an instance, where we went to one of my family members retirement party, and my ex said "we can only stay for 30 minutes, then we're leaving" I was disgusted and embarrassed. It got so bad that I begged her to move with me, because I could foresee too much family interference in our relationship. She declined, and sure enough it only got worse Not sure I have much advice for you, other then you need to sit her down and establish an understanding when it comes to visiting family. Although I'm not sure that'll work, as you'll probably be accused of trying to rip her away from her family, and pushing your family on her too much. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 Maybe you don't mean to, but to me it came across as you're just leaving her on her own while you visit with your family. You can't do that. You have to include her in your conversations and entertain her part of the time. It's VERY uncomfortable to be hanging out in some house full of people you aren't interested in or don't even know well. Like being taken to a party and then abandoned. If she doesn't want to go, don't make her go at all. She doesn't need to see your family. You can maybe take one of the kids and go by yourself. I hate that type of get-together, personally, so I don't blame her for not wanting to tag along and being ignored and left with the kids. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 She sounds a little bossy or negative. Id go on the trip alone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Do you ignore you once you see your family members? If so, I can see why she has that opinion. If not, then just tell her you'll go alone. Your relationship probably won't last long anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Advise her to brush up on her social skills, she can use it as a way of example to the kids. Nothing like leading by example. I sincerely hope you get to enjoy family time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysgreener Posted June 5, 2016 Author Share Posted June 5, 2016 Thanks for the input everyone. I thought I was being accommodating to her while with family, I may wander off to another part of the house to chat with a cousin but I'd always come back to check on her, most times she would be conversing with a relative (which I took as her being okay, if not, I would sit around with her. We were there for several hours. To make matters worse, we were staying in a gorgeous beach side condo we got a good deal on as it was off season. I promised on the front end we would make good use of it, but I underestimated how much time the family would be gathered up for services, re-pass etc. That was my fault and I did admit that to her. I will be more mindful this time around and see how it goes. We are driving a longer than usual distance so I may be too tired to want to do much the night before anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 5, 2016 Share Posted June 5, 2016 Does your family make an effort to welcome her and include her? (Some families never met a stranger, others are very clannish and inward-looking.) Is she interested in getting to know them, and are they interested back? Is she perhaps an introvert? It's a two way street. If she's wrangling a baby and a cranky, bored teen among strangers who aren't making any efforts to know her, while staring out the window at the beach she's not relaxing on, then.......I might not want to go either. It's absolutely reasonable for you to hang out with your family, those bonds are sacred. It's also reasonable for her to be realistic about what the experience is going to be like for her. I would expect you to spend at least 30-40% of your time introducing her to family in a way that gives her a real in and helps her start finding kindred spirits. Not just "Here's Ethel, you'll love each other byyee!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysgreener Posted June 6, 2016 Author Share Posted June 6, 2016 Does your family make an effort to welcome her and include her? (Some families never met a stranger, others are very clannish and inward-looking.) Is she interested in getting to know them, and are they interested back? Is she perhaps an introvert? It's a two way street. If she's wrangling a baby and a cranky, bored teen among strangers who aren't making any efforts to know her, while staring out the window at the beach she's not relaxing on, then.......I might not want to go either. It's absolutely reasonable for you to hang out with your family, those bonds are sacred. It's also reasonable for her to be realistic about what the experience is going to be like for her. I would expect you to spend at least 30-40% of your time introducing her to family in a way that gives her a real in and helps her start finding kindred spirits. Not just "Here's Ethel, you'll love each other byyee!" She's a pretty outgoing person and she was pleasantly surprised that my family (first time meeting most of them) was as laid back, fun loving and accepting as they were (my mom has been sending her mixed signals which had her nervous about meeting everyone else, and is a whole 'nother subject lol). The first night I don't think was too long for her, the second day however, we did hang around family all day and after we went back to the room, I turned around left out and found some a few bars with my cousins. I also felt bad that I missed out on the fun they wound up having after we left my aunt's house the night before. I hate missing out on stuff. When I really think about it, she has a valid point. Her family is okay in my book but I probably always reach a point where I'm ready to get away. We stay with them often and like I said she talks and sees them on pretty much a regular basis. Our two year old knows them well, he really doesn't know my family. On the way back while we were talking about it, I felt as if I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I did wish she was more understanding, these are people I only see every 3-6 years, I can't just do a quick hi and bye to keep my camp content. The grandparents have all passed on, the aunts and uncles, who we think are going to live forever, are elderly now, and we the little knuckle headed kids are all grown adults with kids and lives of our own. Now is the time me and my cousins and our families should be getting closer because soon that's going to be all that's left. Now I do think this trip will be different with the time frame we're working with and the fact the two year old is more capable of being social (in his own way lol) and can stand on his own w/o being cuddled, held and changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 6, 2016 Share Posted June 6, 2016 Tell her to wind her neck in and deal with it. You do not get to see them often its hardly as if you are demanding she visit every weekend and quite frankly if she can't hold a conversation and be polite to your family and join in then she needs to grow a back bone and some good old fashioned basic manners. I really do mean that. My sister in law is like your girlfriend and to be blunt we are fed up with it. Can't invite the girl anywhere and she has just got very boring. We were close. Not any more. Do not let that ruin the fun with your family or those few precious moments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysgreener Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Well ya'll... I talked to my aunt last night and realized that the wedding and reception is a no kids event, my fiance has opted to stay home with the kids and I go. Problem solved... for now lol... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 For now is the phrase... Good luck with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysgreener Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 For now is the phrase... Good luck with it. Thanks. And to your other post, don't get me wrong, she is very cordial with the family as far as I can tell, and she was engaging with my family, mainly a few of the women who still will text or through fb check on her from time to time. It's more of a few whispers here and there asking if we're ready to go yet, and complaints later in the car. I don't think she left a bad impression on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 When we would visit my mother, my son's gf would want to prod him to leave early. Or suggest that we didn't spend so much time there. She even began to have my son drive the long distance separately - so they could come late, leave early. On one of the occasions that they drove separately, my son had a flat tire on the freeway - at night. She then, acted like she was praying. My son finally told her, since she gets bored, that he would go to his grandmother's house w/o her. She then said: I don't mind being bored. ha Anyway, my son stopped taking her to my mother's. Problem solved. It turned out, my Mother - was the priority. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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