Is dating an ex actually possible down the road?

[oldshirt]

I was addicted to Hopeium too after my first love dumped me. I broke that addiction and dried out completely once I was dating other women and finding out there is a whole world of opportunity out there.

 

If I were to run into my first love today, I'd say hi and ask how her folks and siblings etc are and that would be it.

 

She is a good person. We had a good dating relationship while it lasted. She was worthy of the title of "First Love" and I appreciate that it was good and healthy until it went to crap.

 

Would she be worthy of a second chance now 30 years later if we were to both become single again? Not really. Now that I have been out in the world and experienced what I have experienced since the break up, I've come to realize that we broke up for a reason and that it was the right thing to do and that there is no way I'd want to be involved with her again.

 

It took dating and hooking up with and being in relationships and being married etc etc etc for me to realize that and understand that.

 

You will too once you get out and start living on your own and dating other women.

[Marc878]

I wrote and sent her a letter yesterday that was 2 pages long basically just saying hello, clarifying that there is no animosity between us and that I hope she's doing well. That I haven't gone a day without thinking about her in some sort of way and I apologized for my mistakes in the relationship by mistreating her (I neglected her at times, we got too comfortable towards the end) and that she deserves the best. I told her my intentions to the letter was NOT to get back together but to open communication between us again. That I'm not looking for a relationship currently because I too want to work on myself still, and I hinted that perhaps when/if the time is right we can have a new beginning and start a new relationship much better than the previous one.

 

I completely respected the breakup and never begged or pleaded, we went straight to no contact after it happened.

 

 

What do you guys think? Was it a bad move or do you think she might actually like it and agree to opening communication?

 

Bad move. I've seen this a lot. Broke no contact. Just have to write a letter. For what?

 

She dumped you. It makes you look needy. "I'm still here"!!!!

Whether you meant to or not you're doing the famous "pick me dance".

 

This usually just pushes them further away but like most you don't get it.

[bummer]

No answer yet I assume?

[BC1980]

I know you don't see it, but what you put in that letter made it very obvious that you would immediately jump at a second chance. I know you didn't intend for it to come off that way, but it does. It's really, really hard to regain feelings for someone once they are lost, and it's also really hard to change her image of you. Even if you change everything about yourself and improve greatly, she won't be there to see it. She will remember you by how you were in the relationship.

 

Getting to the point of dumping someone takes time. It takes a lot of little things that add up over time and an eventual shift in feelings. So that isn't something that you can fix.

[Blanco]

We guys have this weird belief that we can sway a woman back our way through a passionately-worded letter. I suppose it's not unheard of that these don't occasionally get the recipient thinking about the relationship. More frequently, though, all these letters accomplish is to make the sender look weaker and less desirable to that person than they already did.

[BC1980]

We guys have this weird belief that we can sway a woman back our way through a passionately-worded letter. I suppose it's not unheard of that these don't occasionally get the recipient thinking about the relationship. More frequently, though, all these letters accomplish is to make the sender look weaker and less desirable to that person than they already did.

 

It's so true. I didn't understand that after my breakup, and I also wrote a letter. A painfully, long emotional letter that detailed the steps we could take to repair our relationship. I'm sure it made me look weak and undesirable. I have to laugh about it now, but, at the time, it seemed like a great idea. I thought it would actually work, but I got a a very short response. I'm sure my ex probably felt sorry for me after he read that.

 

No matter how much you say the letter isn't for the aim of getting back together, it's always so obvious that it is. That stuff just shines through. I remember my first boyfriend from college. After he dumped me, I tried to win him back. I eventually stopped and ignored him completely, almost being mean to him if I saw him. He later told me that he found me much more interesting when I was ignoring him or acting mean if I saw him. He said be liked that version of me because it showed I had some standards and backbone.

[Jatli]

Me and my ex got back together.

 

 

We were together for 4 years and he left me. We were living together and I moved out and he started dating another woman, who I suspect he left me for. We were mostly NC but would say hi if I saw him as I only moved across the street. After Just over a year he started showing up where I was and texting me and calling me. I eventually gave in and went for coffee. That turned into drinks. Which turned into me going over to his house. Then we started hanging out together. After a couple of months of this we started dating again.

 

I have not moved back in with him and don't want to as I now enjoy living on my own. I like having my own space. But we have been back together for over a year and things are going very well.

 

So yes it does happen but it takes time and it takes for both of you to really want it to work.

[Craig Schwartz]

The thing is, often it's easy to imagine that you and an ex think "in parallel," when the fact that one of you wanted to be out of the relationship while the other wanted to keep it going is PROOF that even during the most warm and fuzzy times between the two of you, you still were two INDIVIDUALS coming together to share a mutually pleasant experience, not two minds merging into one.

 

So when you are broken up, the key is to do whatever you need to do FOR YOU. Not in hopes of getting the relationship back, but so that you can go forward regardless as a better version of yourself. There's nothing like a broken relationship to highlight to you all the areas where you need to improve as a person and as a partner. And so it seems that if X, Y, and Z negative traits about you majorly contributed to someone's desire to no longer be in a relationship with you, if you fixed those traits, then surely the person would want to be with you again. That's a really tricky notion to shake out of you. But the truth is, no key change can be made overnight, and no one is frozen in time waiting for you to change. They are in their own life flow, growing, changing, realigning priorities. Who they were while they were with you is different from who they were when they broke up with you is different from who they have become since you have been apart is different from who they will be years into the future.

 

Basically, we hold on to NOTHING. Everything is sand or water slipping through our fingers. If an ex decides after years to reach out to you, that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her, this new her that she has become--a person who again for reasons not having anything to do with you has held some idea of you in her memory that she cherishes. Not only that, she has become a person who has the courage, optimism, and depth to reach out to you, even at the risk of you not wanting to talk to her, or no longer caring, or being with someone else. Takes a LOT of balls. But that's ALL ON HER.

 

Years ago I had an old high school friend just show up at my apartment out of the blue, after four or more years of no contact. The doorbell rang, and there she was. I never could have predicted it; I remembered her, of course, but had accepted that we'd just grown apart over our college years, and was prepared to accept that we'd not be in each other's lives again. But there she was. Her doing that--showing up at my apartment--had NOTHING to do with me. She thought of me, looked up my phone number, tried calling but my line was busy, and so spontaneously decided to walk twenty blocks uptown to just show up at my apartment. Most people wouldn't have bothered...but it wasn't because she cared about me so much, per se, as that she was a person who at that moment decided she had nothing better to do that show up at my door.

 

You just have to let it all, ALL, go. Very hard to do. And yes, very sad when someone you cared about so much never reaches out when you felt that surely they would. I'm going through that myself. It hurts...but ultimately it really has nothing to do with me.

 

@GreenCove I just read your post: What happened after your surprising visit at your apartment?

[Pete2304]

I've been all over the sad letter writing game with an absolute passion and it doesn't work that's for certain. You write a message with tears streaming down your face, a glass of wine in your hand and some sad songs playing, you're thinking if he/she just reads this surely they will see that we are meant to be together.

 

Then they read it and realise that they can carry on just as they are, be it single or in a new relationship because you are clearly prepared to be a back up plan if they change their mind.

 

So much advice on here is NC ever again and I find it to be a bit negative at times because some relationships do fix. Most don't, but some do. Whilst it might be almost devious in a way, I don't think there's any harm in the sort of ideas mentioned in the OP. If you go out and get some new clothes, smarten yourself up, have a few nights out with friends, you are going to find that either your ex has a genuine change of heart or that there's no reaction at all in which case it's screwed anyway. However, you've not lost anything because all of a sudden you are a couple of weeks down the line and even if just a little confidence has come back that's no bad thing.

 

Many on here know my story and whilst I don't have any intention of going back, I have finally stopped with the texts and messages to her and low and behold a week later, she's started messaging me now. This despite her still being with the man she left me for. I've done my best to largely ignore them but funny how things change. As people, the vast majority of us share the same flaw of always wanting what we can't have.

[juniorrocha]

Or they try again only to find themselves in the same boat as before.

 

I'm going through this right now. After almost 4 months broken up with my ex, we started seeing each other again and we're kinda dating. But I'm finding myself in the same boat again; I've changed, and she sees it. But she's still the same, and that's not very attractive to me.

 

So much advice on here is NC ever again and I find it to be a bit negative at times because some relationships do fix.

 

You're only saying that because you recently broke up with your ex. That's pretty much what I said 2 weeks after breaking up with mine (scroll back to page 2 and see). Deep inside, you know you want her back. Even if you don't want to admit it.

 

However, after a few months of NC, I was working so hard on myself (still am), that my ex would barely cross my mind. I was moving on very fast. All that thanks to the true NC.

 

Now IF for some reason you guys do get back together in the future, let time decide. Don't count on it. Count on improving yourself and only that.

[Pete2304]

I'm going through this right now. After almost 4 months broken up with my ex, we started seeing each other again and we're kinda dating. But I'm finding myself in the same boat again; I've changed, and she sees it. But she's still the same, and that's not very attractive to me.

 

 

 

You're only saying that because you recently broke up with your ex. That's pretty much what I said 2 weeks after breaking up with mine (scroll back to page 2 and see). Deep inside, you know you want her back. Even if you don't want to admit it.

 

However, after a few months of NC, I was working so hard on myself (still am), that my ex would barely cross my mind. I was moving on very fast. All that thanks to the true NC.

 

Now IF for some reason you guys do get back together in the future, let time decide. Don't count on it. Count on improving yourself and only that.

 

I'm not only saying it for that reason. Yes I still hurt like hell but what I want is to be able to rewind the clock and not have her being with someone else for the last few months because even I know that to take her back now would be impossible. I had the opportunity to sleep with my ex two weeks back and didn't because it just didn't seem the same anymore. She was sat there in her birthday suit and I walked away so no, it's not just that reason. I just think that this NC advice seems to be the standard response to every problem that comes up on here whereas for me it's horses for courses.

[benpom]

This is a genuine question, simply out of curiosity and not because I'm refusing to move on. My girlfriend left me a few months ago, she was my first love and we've had extremely limited contact since the breakup. Her reasoning was basically she's confused and needs to find out what she wants in life. She said she still loved me and isn't ruling out a future if we can get our sh*t together first.

 

I've been keeping myself very busy by working 60 hours a week between 2 jobs, I bought myself a brand new car, changed up my appearance (in a good way) and been trying out new hobbies when I have the time. It makes me wonder though, is it actually possible that exes CAN start new and fresh if time has passed where both people grow first? I've heard so many mixed stories. Some people say never get back with an ex or theirs simply never came back. Some claim their ex came back after a few months or even years. If your breakup was because of wrong timing and life priorities got in the way, do you believe if enough time has passed and both people grow as individuals; they can start NEW and with a clean sleight? If they both can forgive each other and let go of the past?

 

After what I've been through with that girl, even months later after the breakup, it's still hard to swallow that I'll never hear from her again or never be apart of her life in some way and that the 'door is closed' that way.

Love and emotions work in very mysterious, strange and unpredicting ways. I like to say "never say never" with love, unless cheating was involved or you were very incompatible.

What do you guys think?

 

Lots of people will recommend to move on and save the heartbreak. But I am not one of them. I am on the same boat with you, trying to get my ex back.

 

Here are my thoughts and recommendations (this is like something I write to myself too):

1. Don't be afraid of heart break. No matter who you date in future, you are likely to encounter heart breaks, whether it's ex or not.

2. Objectively analyze whether you are compatible or not. If not, there is no point of getting back together.

3. Ask yourself what you did wrong in the relationship and what she/he did wrong. Have you guys fixed those issues? If lack of forgiveness is the issue, then it's a tough one. Some people may take a lifetime to forgive. Forgiveness is like finding gold. Sometimes it happens sooner, sometimes never.

4. Action speaks louder. But words are important too. Make sure actions and words go together, especially when it's second time around.

5. You can only attract someone back, not beg someone back. Apology is good. Over apologizing is bad.

[Pete2304]

Lots of people will recommend to move on and save the heartbreak. But I am not one of them. I am on the same boat with you, trying to get my ex back.

 

Here are my thoughts and recommendations (this is like something I write to myself too):

1. Don't be afraid of heart break. No matter who you date in future, you are likely to encounter heart breaks, whether it's ex or not.

2. Objectively analyze whether you are compatible or not. If not, there is no point of getting back together.

3. Ask yourself what you did wrong in the relationship and what she/he did wrong. Have you guys fixed those issues? If lack of forgiveness is the issue, then it's a tough one. Some people may take a lifetime to forgive. Forgiveness is like finding gold. Sometimes it happens sooner, sometimes never.

4. Action speaks louder. But words are important too. Make sure actions and words go together, especially when it's second time around.

5. You can only attract someone back, not beg someone back. Apology is good. Over apologizing is bad.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this and it's refreshing to see I'm not the only one who can see that sometimes reconciliation is possible. No doubt, many people who post on here are at the end of a relationship (myself included) which has no chance whatsoever of being fixed but that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.

 

I would say absolutely begging won't work, it should in your mind because how can the person you love not be moved by your broken heart but it just doesn't work. I don't though agree with the NC in every case because I'd rather walk away knowing I at least gave it my all to make things work and that much as it might hurt, I could have done no more. Just be yourself, don't beg or text 24/7 but if she gets in touch then what have you got to lose. Don't be messed around more than once but if she wants to see you or starts chasing you then go for it and good luck.

[Pharoh]

I tend to agree with the last two posts. Probably because I'm going through that exact situation right now. I definitely see the merit in both routes though. Many times I feel like hindsight is 20/20 so that's why it's easy for people to just say forget it all and never look back. You just have to be realistic and ask if it's actually possible for things to work out again. Many times it's not, but sometimes it could be. It's up to you to be smart about it and not tug on your own heart.

 

In my situation she contacted me after a year and a half apologizing and that she "would like me in her life". In that time, I've been handling it better but I never stopped caring or thinking about her occasionally. We have since hung out a couple of times, and we both had fun. I just don't know at this point how to handle it. Do I always let her reach out first to initiate contact? Is that bad etiquette for me not to reach out or reciprocate at all if she usually texts first but hasn't in about a week? I don't want to seem like I'll come running to her but I also don't want to make it seem like I don't care at all. Especially if she's also feeling out the situation.

 

I don't necessarily feel like she is chasing me for a relationship but I also feel that the chemistry seems like it's still there and could develop into something again. She could be assessing the situation too. Or maybe she's not.

 

There is a fine line between handling it well and blowing it. What's too much and what's not? What's okay and what isn't? It's a difficult situation.