Is dating an ex actually possible down the road?

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

This is a genuine question, simply out of curiosity and not because I'm refusing to move on. My girlfriend left me a few months ago, she was my first love and we've had extremely limited contact since the breakup. Her reasoning was basically she's confused and needs to find out what she wants in life. She said she still loved me and isn't ruling out a future if we can get our sh*t together first.

 

I've been keeping myself very busy by working 60 hours a week between 2 jobs, I bought myself a brand new car, changed up my appearance (in a good way) and been trying out new hobbies when I have the time. It makes me wonder though, is it actually possible that exes CAN start new and fresh if time has passed where both people grow first? I've heard so many mixed stories. Some people say never get back with an ex or theirs simply never came back. Some claim their ex came back after a few months or even years. If your breakup was because of wrong timing and life priorities got in the way, do you believe if enough time has passed and both people grow as individuals; they can start NEW and with a clean sleight? If they both can forgive each other and let go of the past?

 

After what I've been through with that girl, even months later after the breakup, it's still hard to swallow that I'll never hear from her again or never be apart of her life in some way and that the 'door is closed' that way.

Love and emotions work in very mysterious, strange and unpredicting ways. I like to say "never say never" with love, unless cheating was involved or you were very incompatible.

What do you guys think?

[whatnot]

So she needs "space".

 

Anything is possible. Fewer things are probable.

 

Don't plan on it. And I mean that in the most literal of ways. It's not being used as a cliche'. What I mean is...don't plan on it.

 

I'm sorry. :-(

[Neffer]

Yes, but it tends to not work out the second time either.

[mariababy]

Please don't hang on her words "she still loved me and isn't ruling out a future if we can get our sh*t together first".

 

I have seen so many friends who expected their exes to come back because they promised there is a possibily of getting back together. Eventually, most of the exes actually found someone else or moved on whereas my friends had to go through heart-break all over again.

 

My advice is truly move on with your life and don't "wait for her". If she comes back and you both have the same feelings than that's great! If she doesn't, at least you would be mentally prepared to accept she's gone for good.

[gaig]

What mariababy said is the most natural way to happen..

 

You might meet in the future and you might be much more aligned at that moment (notice the two "might" here). Provided none of you was severely hurt from the other to an irreparable extent. But it would take years, not months as you are expecting.

 

And then, most probably you will have to "meet" again your new "selves", because you most probably have both changed. Add to that the suspiciousness arising from the failed previous attempt.

 

Had a sad breakup quite recently, I feel every word of oyur pst, I want her in my life very bad, but I cannot imagine that tomorrow she could just call me, say she was wrong and she loves me and that it could work in the long run. No way! It was over for a reason or a number of reasons and until all of them are dissolved on oblivion, there will always be the threat of a new and more devastating heart break for both of you

[ExpatInItaly]

I personally know of two cases in which exes reunited.

 

One being my brother, who got back together with a long-term ex after they'd spent around a year apart. They both dated others in that period but somehow found their way back together. That was more than 15 years ago and they have since married and now have 2 children. Theirs was a rare success case.

 

Another is a dear friend of mine, who had gotten back together with her ex after a few months apart. The catch there is that the problems which contributed to their split were never really resolved, it seems. They're actually married now but it's not exactly a happy union. He cheats and she chooses to ignore it. She seems largely uninterested in him too, to be honest. Not an ideal situation at all.

 

My brother's case is the exception; more often than not, exes break up for a reason and stay broken up. Or they try again only to find themselves in the same boat as before. I think a lot of it very much depends on the reason for the split. I personally have never gone back to an ex, as I see those chapters as closed. When I ended relationships, it was because I had put a lot of thought into it and knew it was time to part ways.

[smudge21]

Whilst you're still focusing on your past, your future is passing you by. An ex is an ex for a reason. When the leave, for whatever reason, they are saying "I no longer want to be with you". Why would any of us want to be with someone who says they don't want to be with us? I know that following a breakup we still harbour feelings for a long time and live in that hope that they will come back. It's only when you've fully 100% healed do you no longer dream about getting the ex back and start finding new people and new, better, love.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

The thing with saying that getting back together doesn't usually last either, I feel is simply because enough time hadn't passed and that their problems from the previous relationship came back. They never worked on their own problems first and got back together for the wrong reason. In my opinion, simply missing someone isn't the right reason to get back together. My ex was in my life for 4 years, and it hurt alot knowing that she walked away and hasn't contacted me once. But over the course of hardcore no contact the past few months, I've been able to reflect alot.

 

I never saw my flaws, behaviors and problems I brought to the relationship while I was with her. I thought everything was 'perfect' and was shocked she wanted to breakup what seemed like 'out of nowhere'. Now since the time we've been apart and out of each others life, I've been discovering and seeing problems we had more clearly. Our relationship was far from perfect towards the end, we both took each other for granted alot the past few months before the breakup. That is how I know it was doomed to fail.

I've been working on myself, gaining my confidence and making positive changes. I honestly feel confident that IF she came back (making changes on herself during out time apart) we would be successful this time. But I'm not holding on to that hope, it's simply "what if" thinking, which is natural. I spent 4 years with her, it's impossible to just not ever think about her. I'm NOT being held back from moving on or looking forward. I'm working on myself not just for her, but for my next relationship in general whether it is with her or a different girl.

 

And another thing to address is I feel like most men take the wrong steps if they want a girl to come back to them. Emotions are powerful, and at times if our partner has broken up with us, we become 'weak' by showing desperation and neediness towards them. Some guys blow up their ex's phone, beg for them back or stalk them by driving past their work or house. Some even 'be friends' with their ex, which in my opinion is the WORST thing to do if you want them back.

I feel like I am taking the right steps for her to reflect and decide if what we had is worth fighting for again while at the same time allowing us to move forward. I've been more than respectful of giving her her space and I've disappeared. I wonder almost everyday how she's doing and what she's doing, but I guarantee she does the same thing. We are both a mystery to each other at the moment, we have absolutely no idea what is going on in each other's lives.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're doing the right thing by remaining No Contact and working on yourself. Break-ups are always good opportunities to reflect and think about where we can make improvements.

 

There's always a chance someone will reconnect with a former partner. It happens. If you're able to resolve the problems that existed previously, it occasionally works out.

 

Sometimes exes remain a mystery to each other, too. It's an unpleasant but real part of life. I broke up with a guy I dated for 5 years (and lived with) in my early 20s. I'll be honest that he didn't want to break up and I felt terrible hurting him. However, I also knew I didn't feel the same way about him anymore. He was a good man, we didn't have serious problems like cheating or abuse or anything even remotely similar. Sometimes these things really do run their courses, especially when people are young and still growing considerably. That was around 12 years ago now and we have had no contact in almost the same length of time. But we have both long since moved on, too.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. You're on the right track to getting to a good place, regardless of who enters your life next.

[Zapbasket]

The thing is, often it's easy to imagine that you and an ex think "in parallel," when the fact that one of you wanted to be out of the relationship while the other wanted to keep it going is PROOF that even during the most warm and fuzzy times between the two of you, you still were two INDIVIDUALS coming together to share a mutually pleasant experience, not two minds merging into one.

 

So when you are broken up, the key is to do whatever you need to do FOR YOU. Not in hopes of getting the relationship back, but so that you can go forward regardless as a better version of yourself. There's nothing like a broken relationship to highlight to you all the areas where you need to improve as a person and as a partner. And so it seems that if X, Y, and Z negative traits about you majorly contributed to someone's desire to no longer be in a relationship with you, if you fixed those traits, then surely the person would want to be with you again. That's a really tricky notion to shake out of you. But the truth is, no key change can be made overnight, and no one is frozen in time waiting for you to change. They are in their own life flow, growing, changing, realigning priorities. Who they were while they were with you is different from who they were when they broke up with you is different from who they have become since you have been apart is different from who they will be years into the future.

 

Basically, we hold on to NOTHING. Everything is sand or water slipping through our fingers. If an ex decides after years to reach out to you, that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her, this new her that she has become--a person who again for reasons not having anything to do with you has held some idea of you in her memory that she cherishes. Not only that, she has become a person who has the courage, optimism, and depth to reach out to you, even at the risk of you not wanting to talk to her, or no longer caring, or being with someone else. Takes a LOT of balls. But that's ALL ON HER.

 

Years ago I had an old high school friend just show up at my apartment out of the blue, after four or more years of no contact. The doorbell rang, and there she was. I never could have predicted it; I remembered her, of course, but had accepted that we'd just grown apart over our college years, and was prepared to accept that we'd not be in each other's lives again. But there she was. Her doing that--showing up at my apartment--had NOTHING to do with me. She thought of me, looked up my phone number, tried calling but my line was busy, and so spontaneously decided to walk twenty blocks uptown to just show up at my apartment. Most people wouldn't have bothered...but it wasn't because she cared about me so much, per se, as that she was a person who at that moment decided she had nothing better to do that show up at my door.

 

You just have to let it all, ALL, go. Very hard to do. And yes, very sad when someone you cared about so much never reaches out when you felt that surely they would. I'm going through that myself. It hurts...but ultimately it really has nothing to do with me.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

The thing is, often it's easy to imagine that you and an ex think "in parallel," when the fact that one of you wanted to be out of the relationship while the other wanted to keep it going is PROOF that even during the most warm and fuzzy times between the two of you, you still were two INDIVIDUALS coming together to share a mutually pleasant experience, not two minds merging into one.

 

So when you are broken up, the key is to do whatever you need to do FOR YOU. Not in hopes of getting the relationship back, but so that you can go forward regardless as a better version of yourself. There's nothing like a broken relationship to highlight to you all the areas where you need to improve as a person and as a partner. And so it seems that if X, Y, and Z negative traits about you majorly contributed to someone's desire to no longer be in a relationship with you, if you fixed those traits, then surely the person would want to be with you again. That's a really tricky notion to shake out of you. But the truth is, no key change can be made overnight, and no one is frozen in time waiting for you to change. They are in their own life flow, growing, changing, realigning priorities. Who they were while they were with you is different from who they were when they broke up with you is different from who they have become since you have been apart is different from who they will be years into the future.

 

Basically, we hold on to NOTHING. Everything is sand or water slipping through our fingers. If an ex decides after years to reach out to you, that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her, this new her that she has become--a person who again for reasons not having anything to do with you has held some idea of you in her memory that she cherishes. Not only that, she has become a person who has the courage, optimism, and depth to reach out to you, even at the risk of you not wanting to talk to her, or no longer caring, or being with someone else. Takes a LOT of balls. But that's ALL ON HER.

 

Years ago I had an old high school friend just show up at my apartment out of the blue, after four or more years of no contact. The doorbell rang, and there she was. I never could have predicted it; I remembered her, of course, but had accepted that we'd just grown apart over our college years, and was prepared to accept that we'd not be in each other's lives again. But there she was. Her doing that--showing up at my apartment--had NOTHING to do with me. She thought of me, looked up my phone number, tried calling but my line was busy, and so spontaneously decided to walk twenty blocks uptown to just show up at my apartment. Most people wouldn't have bothered...but it wasn't because she cared about me so much, per se, as that she was a person who at that moment decided she had nothing better to do that show up at my door.

 

You just have to let it all, ALL, go. Very hard to do. And yes, very sad when someone you cared about so much never reaches out when you felt that surely they would. I'm going through that myself. It hurts...but ultimately it really has nothing to do with me.

 

I seriously feel like if the relationship was overall positive, a happy one and you simply drifted apart because the two people wanted different things; I truly believe that the couple will always reconnect again one day. Maybe not in a way of wanting to start a relationship or even friendship, but just to catch up and maybe either have closure or make amends to make sure they don't hate each other and can end on a good note.

 

Letting go and moving forward is the healthiest option to do to yourself. My ex even told me this when she broke up with me. She told me she wanted me to move on, not because we don't have a chance to be together again, but that it's the healthiest thing for me to do and that she didn't want to hurt me or feel I'm putting my life on hold for her.

If someone completely lets go of what they fear to lose, do you think the chances of a reconciliation are much higher and stronger compared to holding onto hope and trying to keep a connection such as friendship with them?

[Marc878]

Focus on your future. That's what she's doing. She's probably exploring others as you should do.

 

Is getting back possible? Maybe but she's an X for a reason.

 

Move on and assume it's never going to happen so you don't waste time and life on a maybe.

[ExpatInItaly]

I seriously feel like if the relationship was overall positive, a happy one and you simply drifted apart because the two people wanted different things; I truly believe that the couple will always reconnect again one day. Maybe not in a way of wanting to start a relationship or even friendship, but just to catch up and maybe either have closure or make amends to make sure they don't hate each other and can end on a good note.

 

Letting go and moving forward is the healthiest option to do to yourself. My ex even told me this when she broke up with me. She told me she wanted me to move on, not because we don't have a chance to be together again, but that it's the healthiest thing for me to do and that she didn't want to hurt me or feel I'm putting my life on hold for her.

If someone completely lets go of what they fear to lose, do you think the chances of a reconciliation are much higher and stronger compared to holding onto hope and trying to keep a connection such as friendship with them?

 

I don't think it makes any difference, to be honest. I say that because those are your feelings, not your ex's. If an ex is already over the relationship, maintaining a friendship won't change their feelings. They'll simply see it as a more amicable end to a fond chapter of memories.

 

She told you to move on for a reason. Nobody can predict the future of course, but that's a pretty clear sign she doesn't see you two getting back together any time soon. Also, she won't want you to feel awful when she starts dating other guys.

[contel3]

I advise you to revisit this thread in one year. By then you probably wont be interested in the answer to your question.

Why?

 

Because you will be able to think of 10'000 more pleasant things than hanging out with an ex, nevermind getting back together with one.

[gaig]

I broke up with a guy I dated for 5 years (and lived with) in my early 20s. I'll be honest that he didn't want to break up and I felt terrible hurting him. However, I also knew I didn't feel the same way about him anymore. He was a good man, we didn't have serious problems like cheating or abuse or anything even remotely similar. Sometimes these things really do run their courses, especially when people are young and still growing considerably.

 

Just to put this story under perspective.. what was the cause for the change in the way you felt about? Incompatibility? Got each other for granted? Lost the flame between you two? Got distracted from the new world evolving around you?

[Blanco]

First loves are rarely last loves.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to put this story under perspective.. what was the cause for the change in the way you felt about? Incompatibility? Got each other for granted? Lost the flame between you two? Got distracted from the new world evolving around you?

 

A combination of factors, I believe. I was young, only 23 when we broke up. I hadn't had a lot of relationship experience prior to him (we were just 18 when we started dating) I was not ready to settle down and commit to just him for life. I was curious about other men. I wanted to go out and explore the world. He would have been content to marry and settle down in our hometown; I was nowhere near that stage in my life. I grew to see him as more of a friend than a romantic partner, even though he was great in many ways.

 

I just didn't feel that chemistry anymore. Breaking up with him wasn't easy and I felt very guilty for a while after. But I have also never regretted it.

[juniorrocha]

Well, people here on LoveShack are very negative towards getting back with an ex, and they're right about that. Everyone says that but if you two broke up, that happened for a reason. And you should keep that reason in your head before attempting anything else with your ex.

 

But I'm not going to say it's not possible. Let's say you broke up with your ex of 4 years, and eventually you guys agreed on having a second chance. You won't know what happens next. The same happens when you meet someone new. At the end of the day, you never know how long your relationship will last, regardless if it's an ex or not. It could happen that you go back to your ex, stay another 3 years, then you break up again for the same or different reasons. It could also happen that you meet someone new and in a year or so you break up with them. Or maybe your relationship with your ex could get better than ever and maybe you never split up again. Or you can continue jumping from one new to another and end up with lots of 1-2 years relationships. The true question is: who knows what happens next?

 

That's why it's important to work on yourself, being or not in a relationship. Because afterall the only thing you'll always have is yourself, so you should take care of it regardless of what's coming next. I wouldn't write anything in stone.

[fands]

, changed up my appearance (in a good way) and

You know, almost everything is subjective. You should ask her opinion immediately, just to be sure you're on the right track. Just kidding, of course. But the point is you have no way to see what's going on in her head. The more you wish for something to happen...well, makes no difference, really. Just a bunch of wasted energy and time.

 

Let fate decide. You are better off not idolising her. The more hung up you are on her, the less emotionally available you will be for future relationships.

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

So my ex girlfriend of 4 years and I have been broken up for I believe 8 months now and we've been in strict no contact for a little over half a year. At the time of the breakup she told me "maybe in the future" and we needed to figure our own lives out first. I just thought that was her way of letting me down easy and that she wasn't into me anymore.

Well a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine that is a girl, on her own terms bumped into her at a store and had small conversation with her. My friend asked what she's been up to, if she's seeing anyone new and if she's spoken to me. She told my friend that she hasn't been seeing anyone and doesn't want a relationship at this time, that she wants to be alone and just focus on herself right now. She told my friend again "maybe in the future" when it came to me. My friend told me that that is actually a positive sign as she could have easily said not a chance after all the time that has past; and she seemed very sincere behind what she said apparently.

 

I wrote and sent her a letter yesterday that was 2 pages long basically just saying hello, clarifying that there is no animosity between us and that I hope she's doing well. That I haven't gone a day without thinking about her in some sort of way and I apologized for my mistakes in the relationship by mistreating her (I neglected her at times, we got too comfortable towards the end) and that she deserves the best. I told her my intentions to the letter was NOT to get back together but to open communication between us again. That I'm not looking for a relationship currently because I too want to work on myself still, and I hinted that perhaps when/if the time is right we can have a new beginning and start a new relationship much better than the previous one.

 

I've been keeping myself busy. I'm enrolling in school (something she always wanted me to do but I kept procrastinating), got a new hair style, lost alot of weight and I now look very toned, I feel confident and much more attractive than before. I completely respected the breakup and never begged or pleaded, we went straight to no contact after it happened.

I doubt she has gotten it yet, but I do wonder if she'll even reply. I honestly don't care if she does or not, I feel much better sending it actually.

 

What do you guys think? Was it a bad move or do you think she might actually like it and agree to opening communication?

[ThorntonMelon]

I only had to read the title.

 

No, not a good idea.

 

That said, spilt milk. Just don't do it again. She'll find you if she wants to.

[bummer]

The long-bomb is a desperate move. I've done the same! So I can't judge.

 

You do care if she replies and when she doesn't it will sting for a few days and then you will keep walking in the direction you have for the last few months... away from her.

 

False hope is a naggy little virus isn't it? What I remind myself of is the definitive FACT, neither myself nor my ex have grown sufficiently to re-approach the tattered shards of what was a good relationship and try to perform CPR. Best to find someone better!

[aloneinaz]

Only you really know if sending that letter was the right thing to do or not. Most of the veterans on this site would of suggested not doing it. You can read into the fact that she's not reaching out to you as an acceptance on her part that she's comfortable w/it being over.

 

It sounds like you're doing well. Hitting the gym and got yourself in shape. Are you dating anyone or have you? I wonder if you'd of sent that letter had you met some hot new thing and were happily dating her?

 

The other thing is what would of really changed since you broke up? Have you really thought about that? How long would the new "honeymoon" phase last "if" you tried again, before the same issues that broke you up last time, reappeared?

[AVeryConfusedGuy]

Only you really know if sending that letter was the right thing to do or not. Most of the veterans on this site would of suggested not doing it. You can read into the fact that she's not reaching out to you as an acceptance on her part that she's comfortable w/it being over.

 

It sounds like you're doing well. Hitting the gym and got yourself in shape. Are you dating anyone or have you? I wonder if you'd of sent that letter had you met some hot new thing and were happily dating her?

 

The other thing is what would of really changed since you broke up? Have you really thought about that? How long would the new "honeymoon" phase last "if" you tried again, before the same issues that broke you up last time, reappeared?

 

I've been on one date since our breakup, but it didn't go anywhere. I honestly didn't think about her at the time when I was talking to a new girl, but I'm sure I would have down the road anyway. I think about her more than ever because I feel like I get rejected by every girl I try to talk to or even show the slightest interest in. Females in my area are quite mean. They're stuck up and they only care about partying or they want guys with alot of money or one night stands. So far she is the only one I have met that actually had morals for herself, doesn't live on her phone, and doesn't judge every single person she comes into contact with. She actually got alot of attention from other guys at her work because of her great personality.

 

I feel like if we did have a second run, the relationship WOULD be much better than the last one. I was immature at times and was apathetic to many things. I was also stubborn and wouldn't listen to her when she would try to tell me something that bothered her. I didn't even realize it, and it took her leaving for me to even understand. It's a shame. I lost alot of confidence as a person when I was dating her; I gained alot of weight and rarely felt comfortable taking my shirt off, and I only focused on my wants rather than her's. The breakup opened my eyes to my own flaws as a person, but unfortunately I lost something very important to me which was her.

 

I feel like since I've been working on myself and becoming happy again, I thought maybe she would want to reconcile but like someone else said, she clearly isn't worried about it as she's yet to reach out. I thought perhaps she was nervous and didn't know how to open communication so I made the first move. It's still early to tell with the letter, she probably hasn't even gotten it yet or literally just read it today (because she's a girl, she'll probably need a few days to think about replying anyway).

[oldshirt]

You are addicted to Hopeium right now. Your brain ain't work'n or think'n straight.

 

Get dried out and get the Hopeium out of your system and then you'll on the right track to recovery.

 

If you are looking better, gainfully employed, have a new car, enrolled in school, getting out and having fun etc etc, why are you dating a variety of girls?

 

I'm not talking about steady or serious relationships per se, but why are you out meeting and interacting with nice, pretty girls that catch your eye?

 

You have a bad case of oneitis. You see her as your one shot at true love and that you goofed it up and if you could just tweak yourself into what she wants, she will give you another shot and you may have a second chance at twu wuv again.

 

That is a crock of hogwash. That is the Hopeium talking. She dumped you. She dumped you because she didn't want to date you any more. She has her reasons and they may not be even close to what she is telling you.

 

I get it, she doesn't hate you and you didn't do anything bad to her to cause her to move across the country and change her name to get away from you. that's no reason to keep hanging on though and absolutely no reason to not move on completely and put her behind you and start going out and having fun with and without other girls.

 

Hopeium is a very dangerous drugs that ruins a lot of what could be perfectly good lives.

 

She is not a special snowflake. She is one of a few billions of women in the world.

 

I was addicted to Hopeium too after my first love dumped me. I broke that addiction and dried out completely once I was dating other women and finding out there is a whole world of opportunity out there.