husband not physically attracted

[Axee]

Hi ,

 

Thanks for reading. I didnt know to whom I can talk about this sensitive topic and I have always known loveshack readers are an intelligent lot.

 

Here goes: I am happyly married to my husband for nearly a year. We lived together for 4 months and he has been placed abroad for work from then.I am currently in the process of moving there.

 

Having said that - He is a very liberal, modern and understanding person.But here is the issue -On our very first night together he told me that he is not physically attracted to me and I have to work on it. I am overweight and have been a chubby kid from childhood.But I am not overweight in a disgusting way.

 

I was in denial but our sex is very bad. He doesnt look at other girls .

 

I am planning to visit him on vacation but somehow this topic came up and I asked him to be really honest about it. I asked him does he get aroused by my body and he said no he doesnt get aroused by me but it doesnt matter and I am overthinking it. I again asked him if there is anything at all he finds me attractive. He said no he doesnt find me physically attractive or special in any way.

 

I dont know if I should visit him .I am spending lot of money -but this is really confidence breaking. I have always had issues with my self esteem and this is another blow. I told him even if I come I wont have sex with him. he says sex is a feel good factor and I am overthinking it. I said if you want to have sex then put your best foot forward not half hearted attempt.For that he says I cant do it properly coz you are not working on your attractiveness.

 

I dont know what should I do now? If its a minor thing or something major.I have lost interest in sex and feel very unattractive now.. I feel there is no use of putting any effort as I cant really get attractive .

for those of you who will ask me to lose weight - I have tried earlier and failed repeately . There is some mental block and unless I work through it I dont really know if it will happen. But I wont lose weight for him .I dont see him doing anything out of the way for me ..

[Lois_Griffin]

Ok....I don't get it.

 

It's disturbing that this guy married you but has never found you attractive or remotely 'special' in any way and has told you that over and over and over. And, he berates you for not 'working hard enough' to m make yourself more attractive.

 

I just don't understand what made him want to marry you.

 

May I assume perhaps he needed a green card or something?

 

Secondly, it's equally disturbing that you chose to marry someone whose clearly told you from day #1 he doesn't find you attractive.

 

Did YOU need a green card?

 

I'm just trying to understand why this marriage even happened at all. I truly do NOT understand.

[stillafool]

Did you ask him why he married you if he feels no attraction? What did he say?

[JS84]

Ok....I don't get it.

 

It's disturbing that this guy married you but has never found you attractive or remotely 'special' in any way and has told you that over and over and over. And, he berates you for not 'working hard enough' to m make yourself more attractive.

 

I just don't understand what made him want to marry you.

 

May I assume perhaps he needed a green card or something?

 

Secondly, it's equally disturbing that you chose to marry someone whose clearly told you from day #1 he doesn't find you attractive.

 

Did YOU need a green card?

 

I'm just trying to understand why this marriage even happened at all. I truly do NOT understand.

 

Honestly there are a lot of people who get married because "that's just what you're supposed to do".

 

It's scary how many stories I read where people: never truly loved their spouse, are secretly gay and need a beard, have never been attracted to their spouse, married for stability, married for religious reasons, married for appearances, are afraid of being alone, married due to family/societal pressure, didn't think they could do any better, biological clock was ticking, etc and pretty much solely for those reasons.

 

My best friend is like that. Wants to get married, have kids, a house, maybe a summer home, and grow old with his wife etc but I really can't see him tolerating any woman more than a couple of years before he's sick of her. It's more because that's what his parents did and his grandparents so he feels he should too. Not because he necessarily wants a wife to love and cherish till he dies. I don't think he cares about that in the slightest. He'd be perfectly satisfied with a wife who is at least a 9 out of 10, doesn't irritate him, will have sex with him when HE feels like it, and is financially stable enough that she won't rob him blind in a divorce.

 

I am curious to OP's husbands reasoning though. Most spouses aren't callous enough to actually say something like that to their spouse even if it is true.

[Mr. Lucky]

For that he says I cant do it properly coz you are not working on your attractiveness.

 

Tell him you'll work on it when he conquers his "jerk"iness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[todreaminblue]

hey axee.......what do you want to do really?

 

i am confused by your post...i know what its like to struggle with weight...do you think if you worked on your weight management....that you would ultimately feel better about yourself...not for him and his jerky comments...but for you...inside of you...i know my weight has a lot to do with low self esteem....i cant live the life i want to live...i want to do so many things....i want to travel...overseas but dont want to be a spectacle on a plane ...i want to be able to walk forever any time and anywhere i feel like walking too..especially the water i adore.....i want to weigh less so i am capable of doing all i want to do in life...swim with sharks......make love all night with that special guy who marries me first..kickbox ...dance........i want to be an energiser bunny and just keep going and going and going....i am starting a weight management program myself this week......and i know if i drop weight.......it will make me feel better being in the skin i am in.....and will help my depression no end....

 

do you want to lose weight for you...not for your rating on an attractiveness scale for a husband who doesnt appreciate you ...but because it would make you feel...better about you being you.......and maybe your husband woudl grow to realize his own efforts may need to be stepped up...deb

[66Charger]

You say you are not overweight in a disgusting way.

Then you probaly carry some wieght in a VERY attractive way.

Just not for the guy you call your husband.

What some call overweight, others call Curves.

 

Dont sell yourself short.

[Els]

How can you possibly be 'happily married' to someone who is constantly putting you down and not putting in any effort into your relationship? You need to reevaluate whether you want to be in such a draining marriage or not. Chances are if you leave, you will regain your self-esteem and be less depressed, which might actually help with your general health and even make it easier to lose weight.

[bathtub-row]

The very moment a man told me what your husband has told you, the relationship would be severed. I have no idea what you're thinking by staying with this guy.

[kamani]

Your husband is rude and I think your weight is not the issue here. He seems to give you excuses for not having sex with you. He doesn't look at other girls either. Don't you think he is gay or at least bi? Just spy on his online history. You can get some idea.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good heavens, why did you marry a man who has such a low opinion of you? And why did he marry you if he's not attracted to you?

 

And no, this is not a minor issue. I don't think you know what a happy marriage looks like if you believe this is it. It's not.

[stillafool]

I don't understand posters who start threads and never answer questions or participate in them. Why don't they just journal if they don't want a response.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I was going to assume there was a cultural componenet to how this marriage came to fruition - ie it was arranged, perhaps in a culture where divorce is not an option - however, looking back over the OP's history, there is little indcation that may have been the case.

 

OP, can you clarify why the heck yall got married? What was dating like - did you have sex, and did this issue ever come up?

[Mr. Lucky]

I was going to assume there was a cultural componenet to how this marriage came to fruition - ie it was arranged, perhaps in a culture where divorce is not an option

 

May I assume perhaps he needed a green card or something?

 

I think those speculating along these lines are on the right track. Safe to say, there's an agenda other than romantic attraction at work here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kristine]

Attractive bodies only last so long, and go so far. Eventually you get to know the real person, the worst comment is that he said there is nothing special about you. I mean he's beyond cruel. There is no way you are going to be able to change someone's opinion of you. You could turn his favorite color and he would decide it wasn't his favorite color anymore.

 

You need to file for divorce. Keep your money, don't go see him, break up this hazard of a marriage. You need to rebuild your self esteem, self confidence, and marry someone who loves you for you. Get therapy for that aspect.

 

I don't need to know the how or why, things happen. But it's up to you to make the necessary changes to rebuilding your self esteem and life. Once you have developed yourself to a comfortable level, you will attract a man worthy of your devotion.