Has this become an emotional affair or are we really "just friends"???

[How_Do_I_Know]

OK now, I know that I am going to get lots of crap for this one, but I really do need some advice because I have NEVER been in this situation before.

 

Well, most of you now know about my problems. For those that don't, here is a very very short version: I flirt with a married co-worker and he flirts with me and I am also married. My marriage is a disaster but not because of my crush on the co-worker. It's been a disaster since a year ago.

 

OK so my question is this, has this become an emotional affair or is it just a friendship?

 

The reason I ask this is because I hd never heard of emotional affairs until I started posting on these boards.

 

The co-worker and I hardly ever flirt anymore. We actually have meaningful conversations and he seems to be asking me lots of personal questions. Not too personal but questions that you wouldn't normally ask just anyone out of the blue. I haven't been asking him ANYTHING personal though.... just him asking me and I answer them truthfully. And I am telling you the truth when I say that we NEVER flirt anymore. It's more like he DOES finally see me as a smart person and NOT a peice of meat anymore. So that is great! However, now that we have moved beyond the "flirting" phase should I be hopeful that this is truly a friendship now, or should I still protect myself from him getting into my head and playing games with me just so he can still get a peice?

 

See I have never been in this situation before! Please don't think I am obsessed with him because I hardly ever think of him anymore. In fact, I try to avoid him at all costs!

 

We do email each other sometimes but only to say hello or to joke around.... nothing sexual. When we talk, he looks at my eyes and not my boobs. He smiles, He listens very well and remembers things I have told him in previous conversations. I don't really see him as a "predator" (spelling) anymore. He really does seem to be interested in me as a person or at least trying to get to know me better.

 

So I am concerned in 2 ways...... is he acting this way to really get to know me better and to maybe just "be friends" or should I really still protect myself because his motives are unclear? So would this be concidered an emotional affair if he is doing this to get in my head? Because I find that he really is a good guy. I don't even know what an emotional affair is. He and I talk, smile, laugh and joke but we don't flirt anymore. There isn't any sexual tension like before (at least on my half) and I am not nervous around him anymore either.

 

I would like all input.... and I know that most of you will be very harsh on me...... beleive me..... I already know what's at stake here and I have NO plans to act upon anything with him. I have stopped flirting with him and he knows that! So please.... if you will post please do so about THIS thread..... NOT about my other ones.... FORGET about the other ones! Thanks!

[drgnflybethany]

I'm totally baffled... I'm sitting here sort of speechless...

 

You don't want a relationship with this man (relationships are varied, not just romantic or sexual), but you say you don't want a relationship anymore, yet you are concerned about his motives?

 

There is a bit of advice on this board that has remained constant, that you NEVER take into account and it is this:

 

You should be the one in control of the situation...

 

You constantly ask what this man's motives are. Ask yourself why you care. If you truly aren't talking to him, if you truly feel like he's not flirting with you anymore... then you KNOW his intentions. But, it still seems to me like you want him in your life as a savior.

 

I read your other piece about being alone. And quite frankly, I have to disagree.. it's far harder to walk out the door than it is to stay in a bad relationship. That's why people hate to make that step. If you truly do pay all the bills and take care of the household and take care of the children, then tell him to pack his stuff and go... and if he hits you with "he's going to kill himself..." do what another person suggested and call the police and the ambulance. If you say, I don't want to do that to my children - well... #1, you're not the one doing it - #2, you really don't want out of the marriage.

 

You are existing on a world of choices here:

 

If you don't want a relationship with the other man, then stop talking to him. Period - end of sentence. If there is an attraction on the other end - and this only happens in a select few cases - he may pursue you for a little bit, part of the, wanting what we can't have syndrome, but basically, if he's a rational human being, which you're doing everything but to paint him as, then, he will back off and find some other woman to pursue, or better yet go back to his wife.

 

None of us on this board have been able to see the physical interaction, so that's going to leave us all at a loss, b/c we all lose something in the perception. You're obviously skewed thoughts have this going in a lot of different directions.

 

If you truly felt like you took care of everything and really realized how alone you are, you would have left a long time ago. I still say you have a fear of being out there by yourself...

 

All I know is when I realized I was this miserable in my marriage, I couldn't even remain in the same house with my now ex-husband. I didn't have to think twice about it.

 

You need to stop looking for love/reactions from this married co-worker and start fixing what is actually going on in your life. This diversion - will be fun for a while - and that's why you keep going back to it - as a way to avoid making a serious decision in your life.

 

My advice - and this is the last time I will give it:

 

1 - seek counseling for yourself...

2 - avoid ALL contact with married co-worker - except that which is professional - if he tries to get off topic, ask you personal questions - (which, by the way - as someone in Human Resources, he may need to know for his professional life) tell him that you would prefer to keep the topic professional and he'll understand..

3 - either leave the house or ask your husband to leave...

4 - start understanding that YOU control the situation - not everyone else...

5 - stop being so damn afraid of being alone - b/c I still see it.. your defensive tirade about how you take care of everything is besides the point, because if it were that easy to leave, and you were this miserable, you would have left long ago..

6 - seek counseling for your children - and this is a biggie - if you truly are involved in a situation in which the ex says he's going to commit suicide if you leave, well, then - these children are being emotionally abused in other ways, as well...

 

But you keep portraying yourself as this helpless victim who can't leave b/c hubby will kill himself (which probably won't happen) and that evil mr. married co-worker is hot to jump your bod at every opportunity.

 

Because, bottom line - you are obsessed with this man, mr. married co-worker... so obsessed you think he's trying to get in your head at every available opportunity.

 

I just don't see it. He's not calling you, emailing you at all hours of the day and night. He's not contacting you at home or other times where it may be inappropriate - he's not setting up lunch dates - or coffee dates or anything like that... he's just flirting very cautiously. There may be a light flirtation, but that's all that I've ever seen - and some people are natural flirts, and some people have chemistry, there is no doubt about that... so a flirtation may exist, but he's not going to leave his wife to help fix you...

[How_Do_I_Know]

First and foremost.... I am still standing by my word when I say that I am NOT afraid of being alone! Trust me! And as for counseling..... I AM seeking counseling and HAVE been for a few months now.

 

As for the married man "contacting" me.... yes he DOES contact me by emailing me... not for anything professional either. As for the flirting on HIS part.... he follows me and when he knows I am in a certain area (another building) he will go OUT of his way to be there even though he really has no need what so ever to be there. As far as the "personal" questions.... he asks me questions about my life and how school is going and how's my town and he'll even say at times "that's where you live right?" when refering to going to my town for events.

 

He even asks me about my dog and tells me that he had a dream about me. So the flirting is quite obvious but has just settled down a bit. My other co-wrokers have noticed that he flirts with me (I still haven't told them about the crush like you are convinced that I have) they only know that he's been paying lots of attention to me lately.

 

I understand that you only "know" me by what I post here but when you're taking the time to write me EVERYTHING that I already know (and it seems that you're a bit ticked that Mr. Married Man IS pursuing me) it makes me wonder that you could be a little jealous that I am getting the attention of this Mr. Married Man.

 

I know what my choices are (and my post wasn't even about that this time), if my husband died today, I'd be fine ( I know that sounds mean) but I am NOT afraid of being alone! So I sound defensive about it.... that's becasue you don't know me and are just so convinced that you beleive I am afraid to leave my hubby. If I could get all my stuff out of the house tonight..... I'd be gone! There's more to this situation than I let out.

 

So you are completely OFF. You just sound jealous that this Mr.Married man wants me. No I DON'T want him, actually after thinking about it, I am a bit turned off by him. My post was just asking if this is a friendship or what the hell it is and you spent about a half hour typing something for me that I already know! I asked ONE SIMPLE question..... NOT a counseling session....

 

And just in case you haven't followed up previously, I DID leave my husband a couple years ago. When I did I had the feeling that I was pregant and low and behold I was. So five to six months later (after he had completely change for the better) I went back with him to try and make this family work. It wasn't until we moved into our home that his "behavior" started to erupt again which is why I AM seeking counseling!

 

So thanks for taking a half hour out of your day to "counsel" me on what I already know. Easy for you to say to leave him ...... you DON'T EVEN HAVE KIDS! And how old are you by the way? I am 24! I married my supposed "high-school sweetheart". I am YOUNG and I MAKE MISTAKES! And you???? You think it's just THAT easy to leave???? When there are other factors involved???

 

Did I not remember just last week or so that YOU were obsessing over a younger man and asking if he was interested in you??? I didn't hear of any "red flags" that he was "obviously" interested, just that he was emailing you and "showing up" in places (kinda like my case) and you were questioning that as well. I know he's not married but all I wanted to know was if this guy was interested or not. You even wrote a saga about it and I was nice enough to give you the 1 of 3 replies you received and now YOU'RE hounding on ME when you just think it is soooooo easy to leave! I hope you don't have to deal with a mess like mine, but if you do...... remeber what you told me...... "just pack up and leave and get counseling for your kids"...... my kids aren't around when he says that he will kill himself. They are rarely around when we fight. Remeber what you said!

[drgnflybethany]

Let go of your ego...

 

Do you even hear yourself? Jealous of a "flirtation" that doesn't even seem to really be there? From a person I've never even met. So he makes casual conversation...about items of interest. How do you know where he needs to be in the building and where he doesn't need to be... sounds like you are paying more attention to him than is normal...

 

When the world stops being about you... you... you... let the rest of us know.. Until then - when you ask for constructive advice - and get it - don't look for flaws in the other person.

 

I know where I stand - in life... I had the courage to leave. I had the courage to face the world alone - and many, many people in my life have told me just how courageous I am, in facing other things in my life...

 

I only came here to ask for some advice myself - and now you are ragging on me?

 

I am 28... soon to be 29.. not that it's any of your business... and yes, leaving was hard - leaving was doubly hard b/c I looked at it as my only possibility of having children. You have been given a gift I have not been lucky to receive... And if I did have children - I wouldn't stay in a flawed, emotionally abusive environment. I would have left sooner, because my greatest focus would have been on my children's happiness.

 

Staying with a man because you are pregnant with his child went out in the seventies..??? Children don't belong in abusive households...

 

I read and understood everything you said... you are still trying to portray yourself as some sort of victim of the world's most tragic abuses. You think everything is out of your control - and that this man is flirting with you - and that you can't possibly stop that. You can - you just haven't tried...

 

My mom had a small daughter - was in a physically abusive, emotional nightmare of a marriage. She found the courage to leave. And I'll tell you something else - because my sister's father was so abusive, both emotionally and physically, she still has scars from that man - and she's 35. So - the sooner you get the children out of the emotionally abusive charged atmosphere and the sooner you get them into counseling the better....

 

Whoever said in that other post... "any bets on when we'll be reading the "I made a terrible mistake and slept with my married coworker" post, was dead on.. I'll put my bet in for six weeks...

 

You take no responsibility for your own actions.. So you're 24 - I know people that were divorced at 21 - with children..

 

You have not faced anything that anyone else in this world hasn't.. and yes, you are hiding from your other problems by focusing on this man...

 

It's apparent to everyone else on here... just not you...

 

This is your fifth post about him... and I still haven't had an answer to my question - why is his motivation so important to you?

 

Because if you didn't care about him - and your crush was truly over - and it had truly died down - you wouldn't be seeking advice about him...

 

As for my younger man - the question was about whether or not he was interested - and it was being posed as a question... Not a foregone conclusion, as you seem to have come to. I am also divorced - he is not married... and yeah, there were no red flags... if there had been red flags of obvious interest, I wouldn't have posted about it, now would I? There were also questions about Republican vs. Democrat - and no, it's not the same, b/c he's honestly asked me if I would be at our coffee house at certain times.. and shown up... he's touched me - and hugged me... given me his personal number and helped me out... He cares when I'm not feeling well, and tells me to go home and get some sleep - so, if nothing else, we have a great friendship... and that may be all I need right now - but I didn't expect someone to throw it back in my face... not the way you did so - cruelly...

 

Those that seek to do harm to others because they receive advice they asked for - really have issues, you know?

[whichwayisup]

OK so my question is this, has this become an emotional affair or is it just a friendship?

 

I think it's an emotional affair, or leading up to one. I wouldn't say it is now, but the intent and intensity is getting more and more. If he was just a friend, could you go weeks without seeing or talking to him? Does your heart race when you see him, or when he talks to you? Do you find yourself waiting and hoping in antisipation of the next conversation or email? If yes to what I asked you, then I'd say you're too emotionally attached to him.

 

The thing is, how will YOU feel if he turns the tables on you? What if he walks up to you, (when nobody is around ofcourse, lol)...Grabs you, and kisses you full on the mouth?? What if he pours his heart out and says he wants to pursue something with you and you're all he wants? What then? How will you feel? Excited, scared, freaked out? Is he a safe fantasy or a possibility?

 

Just giving you some things to think about...Try, one day this week, to go all day without paying attention to him. See how you feel. If he comes by and talks to you, just say it's not a good day and that you're extremely busy. When he emails you, don't email him back. If you find it really difficult to do this, then you have your answer.

 

If you find you 'need a fix' of him to make you feel good, and those days he's not around or you don't hear from you and then you feel down and out, then you also have your answer.

 

Hope this makes sense.

[Gingersnap]

This last posting (from whichwayisup) was really an eye opener for me. I've been having a relationship with a man at work (we're both married) for more than 2 years. At first it was occasional joking around, which turned into frequent conversations, which turned into occasional lunches, which turned into weekly lunches, etc. Nothing romantic has ever happened, but I admit I do have feelings for this guy.

 

My husband and I have been married for more than 10 years, and the spark just isn't there. We don't have meaningful conversations very often. We get along okay, but I just don't feel "in love" with him anymore.

 

In the past 2 years, I have had more meaningful, in-depth conversations with my friend at work than I have with my husband. We talk about everything from our kids (his are college-age, mine are school-age) to work, to television shows we both like. I've heard the term "emotional affair" before, but I never really thought to apply it to what I have going on with this guy. Whichwayisup said,

 

"If he was just a friend, could you go weeks without seeing or talking to him? Does your heart race when you see him, or when he talks to you? Do you find yourself waiting and hoping in antisipation of the next conversation or email? If yes to what I asked you, then I'd say you're too emotionally attached to him."

 

I answered yes to all of those questions. I admit that I am very attracted to this guy, and I honestly don't know what I would do if he tried to kiss me. Part of me thinks I wouldn't let it happen, but part of me is a little thrilled at the thought. It's nice to feel attractive again and for someone to pay so much attention to me. He remembers things I say in previous conversations, and he genuinely cares about me. One day recently, I was having a really rough day because of the death of someone I knw, and my friend saw that I was upset and said, "Cmon, we're going to lunch." to get me out of the office and help me clear my head. I could literally talk to him for hours. With my husband, we could go for hours without talking. Our relationship overall isn't horrible--we just don't really communicate as well as we used to, but he seems to think everything is fine the way it is.

 

I don't feel wrong for wanting to continue my relationship with my friend at work. I realize it could escalate into something else, but he makes me feel the way I haven't for a long time.

[Marshbear]

No. He is not just being a friend.

Is that what you want to here. You know he is still flirting with you.

Question is: What do you plan on doing about it?

 

The decision is yours.

 

 

Peace...

[cranium]

originally posted on your thread Just curious... How did some of you MEET that OM/OW/MM/MW???

 

This is for you also, Gingersnap.

 

MW met her OM at work. He has known me as long as he has known her. He was single and knew she was married with 2 children. He flirted with her as you do with your "crush" for a few months. She flirted back because it was 'only friendly'.

 

She felt there might be something there what with all the eye contact and him telling her she was beautiful and all, so she asked him. She told him she felt an interest also, so they kissed to see what that was like.

 

Well, about eight months later she sat crying on the floor as I confronted her about the condom I found in the trash. MW still works with her OM. They don't have a relationship to speak of anymore and ours will never be the same again.

 

I read your other threads and you've been given good advice. I would say you are already involved emotionally, its only a matter of time for the physical.

 

 

 

originally posted by Lucrezia Borgia on your thread - Should I tell my CRUSH i have a CRUSH??? If you want this to go no further, you have to end it now. That means you'll have to tell the guy that you don't feel your relationship is appropriate, that it will damage your marriages, and that you want no further contact with him that isn't strictly professional. But... to be honest, it sounds like you want to 'accidently end up having an affair' with him. You'll have to decide for yourself if the attraction you feel for each other is worth giving up your marriages and families for. In the heat of the moment, its pretty easy to fool yourself into thinking that you aren't really putting all of that at risk, but you are.

 

 

GS, you have posted about your situation for a little more than a year. Have you approached your husband and tried to talk? Dazed and LB both were both right on in their advice to you.

 

Cranium

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