I feel absolutely no guilt. Is this normal?

[LuLu Bee]

I'm, 40 and he is 20. He has a fiance,and I have been in a relationship for the past 20 years. I have never cheated on my S/O until a few weeks ago. It surprises me that I feel absolutely no guilt in what I did. Is this normal?

[LuLu Bee]

Having lack of guilt for these actions is alarming to me, and I can't figure out why I have no guilt.

Edited June 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post ~T

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's possible that for some reason when you were a child you learned to put walls up around your heart so that you really aren't aware when you are being injured or treated badly. And now that you are injuring yourself and others by what you're doing it's not registering where it normally should.

 

You definitely should be concerned because you are not only hurting others with your behavior, you also will most certainly pay a price for what you're doing at some point, whether sooner or later.

 

You need healing so that you're able to function normally, that is, having your conscience alert you when you are acting foolishly.

[Conviction]

I can see why you would say that. However I can assure you I'm not a sociopath. Having lack of guilt for these actions is alarming to me, and I can't figure out why I have no guilt.

 

Perhaps your answer was in post #2. You could have a personality disorder (narcassist for example) that prevents you from feeling guilt.

 

It's not meant in a belittling way, rather as an honest interpretation of why one wouldn't feel guilt for cheating on their spouse of 20 years, because to answer your question, no it is not normal.

[LuLu Bee]

Normally I have guilt towards other things I've done wrong. If I felt I was rude to another,I've always been quick to apologize. I'm also known by friends as a person that has compassion for other's. I've never cheated on my spouse of 20 years until a few weeks ago. I have also had plenty of opportunity to do so,and never wanted to be that person to cheat or ever was tempted to do so.I was expecting to feel guilt after having sex with him,but to my surprise I felt no guilt. I greeted my spouse as usual. I also thought it would be awkward to be around his fiance but no it wasn't for me. I'm not going to have sex with him again as I know its wrong,even though it doesn't feel wrong to me. We still communicate and see each other,but both agreed it will not happen again.

[Clay]

Are you going to let your spouse know so he can make a decision of his own.

 

 

I don't want to sound mean but I doubt you will stop. Especially since you plan on keeping the other guy around. He is just going to look at you for what you are to him. A easy xxxxx. I know that sounds harsh but sadly most cheaters don't really realize the extra partner they chose really isn't all that great. Some times it takes loosing everything to really realize what you had.

[Buddhist]

I can see why you would say that. However I can assure you I'm not a sociopath. Having lack of guilt for these actions is alarming to me, and I can't figure out why I have no guilt.

 

Because it only happened a few weeks ago. Give it time. If you were going to instantly feel guilty about it, it's very likely you would never have done it. When people indulge in illicit behaviour in the early stags they experience dupers delight. A high from doing something bad and not getting caught. In normal people that changes over time.

[LuLu Bee]

Are you going to let your spouse know so he can make a decision of his own.

 

 

I don't want to sound mean but I doubt you will stop. Especially since you plan on keeping the other guy around. He is just going to look at you for what you are to him. A easy xxxxx. I know that sounds harsh but sadly most cheaters don't really realize the extra partner they chose really isn't all that great. Some times it takes loosing everything to really realize what you had.

 

I've told my spouse, and he is staying with me. Of course he was upset,but also feels we can get past this with time.

 

My 20 year old is around because we work together. I'm in a higher position than him,and could lose my job if this came out.

 

I can also assure you I'm not an easy xxxx as he is the 2nd man I have ever had sex with in all my 40 years, I can also assure you he does not see me as an easy xxxx

[LuLu Bee]

Because it only happened a few weeks ago. Give it time. If you were going to instantly feel guilty about it, it's very likely you would never have done it. When people indulge in illicit behaviour in the early stags they experience dupers delight. A high from doing something bad and not getting caught. In normal people that changes over time.

 

Thank you for this. What you replied actually makes a lot of sense to me.

[Clay]

I've told my spouse, and he is staying with me. Of course he was upset,but also feels we can get past this with time.

 

My 20 year old is around because we work together. I'm in a higher position than him,and could lose my job if this came out.

 

I can also assure you I'm not an easy xxxx as he is the 2nd man I have ever had sex with in all my 40 years, I can also assure you he does not see me as an easy xxxx

 

I am glad you told your husband. There is a book called how to help your spouse heal from the affair. I think it is written by Linda McDonald.

Buy that and read it.

 

As far as the 20 year old you need to get him out of the picture or your husband will never really heal. I understand not wanting to loose your job but honestly you should have considered that while you were crossing the line.

 

You really need to get into counceling. You need to find out why you could put yourself into this spot in the first place. The only way your really going to get passed this is if you both put 100% back into your relationship.

 

C

[ChickiePops]

No, it's not normal. But the fact that you're worried that it's not normal means you feel something about it.

 

Glad you told your partner. No plans to cheat again I hope?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm, 40 and he is 20. He has a fiance,and I have been in a relationship for the past 20 years. I have never cheated on my S/O until a few weeks ago.

 

You don't convey much sense of introspection. Why do you think this happened ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[LuLu Bee]

No, it's not normal. But the fact that you're worried that it's not normal means you feel something about it.

 

Glad you told your partner. No plans to cheat again I hope?

 

I will be honest I'm trying very hard not cheat on him again with OM. I have never been tempted to cheat,and wasn't looking for an affair. It wasn't the fact that he's a lot younger,I'm use to younger guys hitting on me. As I said it's very hard for me to resist him as I've never wanted someone so much in my life. He knows its hard for both of us,and he's actually leaving the company in 1 week.

[LuLu Bee]

You don't convey much sense of introspection. Why do you think this happened ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Neither of us was looking to cheat. I certainly was not lacking sex,I get plenty from my spouse. I will be honest he had my attention immediately,and I wasn't sure how or why? Looking back I guess we were in an emotional affair without actually realizing it to be. We spent a lot of time together inside and outside of work. We were affectionate towards each other such as giving hugs,very touchy and a flirty comment here and there. However we were never open about our feelings to each other. One night after being out with him I was driving him to his house and he asked me to pull over so I did and he says I just want 1 kiss from you. I was shocked and hesitant,but gave in,and 1 kissed led to 30 minutes of kissing. Soon after it led to sex,but not that same night.

[merrmeade]

I'm, 40 and he is 20. He has a fiance,and I have been in a relationship for the past 20 years. I have never cheated on my S/O until a few weeks ago. It surprises me that I feel absolutely no guilt in what I did. Is this normal?

....

I will be honest I'm trying very hard not cheat on him again with OM. I have never been tempted to cheat,and wasn't looking for an affair. It wasn't the fact that he's a lot younger,I'm use to younger guys hitting on me. As I said it's very hard for me to resist him as I've never wanted someone so much in my life. He knows its hard for both of us,and he's actually leaving the company in 1 week.

....

I've told my spouse, and he is staying with me. Of course he was upset,but also feels we can get past this with time.

 

My 20 year old is around because we work together. I'm in a higher position than him,and could lose my job if this came out.

 

I can also assure you I'm not an easy xxxx as he is the 2nd man I have ever had sex with in all my 40 years, I can also assure you he does not see me as an easy xxxx

I have two reactions to this:

The first is that you don't give much background in the initial post, though it slowly started coming out in successive posts in response to questions. But it is still not much and doesn't sound very reflective. It's just a kind of flat report of what you did and you're lack of feeling. No other contextual information.

 

The second was really the first thing that occurred to me on reading. That is - it takes imagination, understanding, knowledge and, most important, empathy to feel bad about hurting another person. You have to think about how a situation will affect that person, imagine, name and even feel what that person feels to begin to feel heavy and sad about cheating ad eventually hurting him.

 

- if you don't have the ability to anticipate what we need to know to understand your situation and advise you, then perhaps you don't have the ability to reflect on how this situation affects your partner. Do you have empathy? Do you try to put yourself in his position and understand or even feel some of what he feels?

 

What do you think is going on with you? Did you "feel" anything after telling him? k

[waterwoman]

I had an EA (didn't think of it as an A any kind then but with hindsight it was) many years ago. I didn't feel guilty in the slightest because I knew I didn't want to leave my H, and ended it when OM pushed for that, and I thought it wouldn't hurt him if he didn't know. I knew it was wrong but I didn't feel it. When he did the same to me 3 years ago it broke my heart - THEN I felt the guilt .... in spades. Maybe it's hard to emotionally understand how much damage you have done until it's done to you.

[RecentChange]

I cheated. Physical rather than emotional affair - like you, I felt zero guilt, and questioned why I gave into temptation as I felt like my relationship was in pretty good shape.

 

A few arm chair psychologist on here speculated that I was a sociopath. Eh, I have attended enough professional counseling, and have a degree in a related field to know that is not the case. Reasons are more complex.

 

Now - D Day, did bring guilt - well, at least sorrow for causing him (my partner) pain, as it was never my intent, as I am sure it wasn't yours. How did your spouse take D Day?

 

I have done a lot of introspection to figure out WHY this all happened - which is something I am very glad I have done. Makes it all less confusing, I now understand my motives better, and have tools to not make the same mistakes again.

 

I knew it was wrong but I didn't feel it. When he did the same to me 3 years ago it broke my heart - THEN I felt the guilt .... in spades. Maybe it's hard to emotionally understand how much damage you have done until it's done to you.

 

I think this is very true for some people as well. My spouse cheated 5 years before me - and when we had his D Day - he was not particularly remorseful or empathetic.

 

When we had MY D Day - not only was he a wreck from the discovery - he kept saying that he NOW understood how I must of felt. That only now did he really get it. It was like a double wammy - hurt from my transgression, and sudden guilt from his own.

[Moxie Lady]

I have two reactions to this:

The first is that you don't give much background in the initial post, though it slowly started coming out in successive posts in response to questions. But it is still not much and doesn't sound very reflective. It's just a kind of flat report of what you did and you're lack of feeling. No other contextual information.

 

The second was really the first thing that occurred to me on reading. That is - it takes imagination, understanding, knowledge and, most important, empathy to feel bad about hurting another person. You have to think about how a situation will affect that person, imagine, name and even feel what that person feels to begin to feel heavy and sad about cheating ad eventually hurting him.

 

- if you don't have the ability to anticipate what we need to know to understand your situation and advise you, then perhaps you don't have the ability to reflect on how this situation affects your partner. Do you have empathy? Do you try to put yourself in his position and understand or even feel some of what he feels?

 

What do you think is going on with you? Did you "feel" anything after telling him? k

 

I think you hit the nail on the head as to why the word 'sociopath' immediately came into my mind.

 

But on hindsight, sociopaths dont come on forums and ask why they don't feel guilt. They just are incapable of feeling guilt or empathy or any emotions related to pain they may be inflicting on another person. That doesn't seem to be you, OP.

[Mr. Lucky]

Neither of us was looking to cheat.

 

I wonder if you appreciate the irony of this statement in light of this description of your actions:

 

I will be honest he had my attention immediately,and I wasn't sure how or why? Looking back I guess we were in an emotional affair without actually realizing it to be. We spent a lot of time together inside and outside of work. We were affectionate towards each other such as giving hugs,very touchy and a flirty comment here and there.

 

This slow-motion seduction and courtship isn't accidental and the result isn't difficult to predict. And since you don't seem to regret the inappropriate behavior, not surprised you don't feel guilty about the outcome...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

This slow-motion seduction and courtship isn't accidental and the result isn't difficult to predict.

 

Perhaps, but hind sight is 20/20.

 

When I cheated, it was something, that later I realized, had been built up over many months - the thing is, I didn't see it happening. I had been monogamous for 14 years. I had developed friendships with guys, attractions to, and perhaps even flirted a bit with men over those years, but it NEVER had led to anything inappropriate at all. I wasn't "looking for an affair" - I had never before cheated. Its not something I ever thought about, or even tried to "resist" because it wasn't on my radar.

 

So while the results may be predictable - I can tell you it does sometimes catch a WS by surprise. Maybe its naivety, maybe its just not wanting to see the signs - But before the day we ended up in a kiss, I never imagined I would ever be kissing another man.

 

Sorry to derail - and maybe the OP's experience is different than mine - but I do not think these things are always a premeditated as some like to believe.

 

Now, the MM that led me down that path - maybe he had a plan in place since day one! I don't know.

[Bryanp]

Would it bother you if your significant other cheated behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's as well?

[SammySammy]

Not feeling guilty is probably more common that many of us would like to admit.

 

My exAP often said she felt no guilt, remorse or regret. For her, after years of not being satisfied, she finally got what she wanted. I don't think that makes her a sociopath, narcissist or any of these other labels we try to slap on people.

[stillafool]

I don't want to be off topic but for some reason I'm seeing alot of women involved in affairs with men 20+ yrs younger than them. Is there something in the water?

[harrybrown]

Did you get tested for stds?

 

Have you stopped all contact with the OM?

 

How would you feel if your H had an affair?

 

Wouldn't you want him to stop all contact with the OW?

 

I am confused that you did not put yourself in your H's place.

 

Try to do that. Maybe you will see how you are now killing his love for you.

 

There is a price to be paid and you may be facing some of your own pain in the future. Then you will see what it feels like to be stabbed in the back and have your heart cut out into little pieces and thrown into a fire.

 

That is how your H feels. I guess you do not care about him very much to hurt him like that.

 

If you do not care about your H, get a D before you cheat again. let him find someone that will not cheat on him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Your thread reminds me a great deal of this locked from February 2016 by Scorpio16....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/568458-affair-recently-ended-much-younger-man

 

Perhaps you could read a lot of the comments made to her just to gather more information.