I feel absolutely no guilt. Is this normal?

[LuLu Bee]

If your husband doesn't care, and you don't care..why not just have an open marriage? Has this been discussed?

 

I don't agree with those who are saying that you should leave him..he's traumatized..etc. Everyone is different. I do think that you seem bored in your marriage, and that you should afford your husband the same opportunities that you've had to stray.

 

To me, the worst part about cheating is the lying. So why not just bring it all out into the light?

 

And for the record, in case anyone accuses..I am NOT and will never be an OW or a WW. I've been cheated on more than once. I just think that we cannot apply the same color paint to every wall.

 

I will say this though. If you cheat again without asking your husband if he's ok with it first..that would make you a bad person.

 

 

My SO cares that I had an affair. When I see the hurt I caused him it hurts me,but other than that I know it sounds bad I feel no guilt nor do I regret having sex with OM. As far as an open relationship, I'm not wanting or trying to make this a habit. It only happen once with this particular man. I do not feel the desire to have sex with other men. By the way I do not see anything wrong with open relationships.

[ChickiePops]

My SO cares that I had an affair. When I see the hurt I caused him it hurts me,but other than that I know it sounds bad I feel no guilt nor do I regret having sex with OM. As far as an open relationship, I'm not wanting or trying to make this a habit. It only happen once with this particular man. I do not feel the desire to have sex with other men. By the way I do not see anything wrong with open relationships.

 

Neither do I..that's why I suggested it...

[LuLu Bee]

Have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? Cause I dont think anyone is actually qualified to answer that until they experience it.

 

 

 

Oh well thats good then! As long as you dont get fired, looking unprofessional is apparently no big deal.[/quote

 

 

 

It's not good,it's great!

[CupCakess]

I'm just noticing this alot in my real life and also here on this forum. There was a woman on here 2 mos ago who was having an affair with an 19 year old and she was 58. Why are these young men all of a sudden wanting to have sex with women this old? What are they looking for?

 

Because it is a win-win situation for both.

 

a) The older woman is not going to want a serious relationship with the young guy, because he is too young for her, and his interest are probably very immature for them to have a succesful complete relationship. The young guy is not going to want a serious relationship with older woman for the same reasons.

 

b) Both are in there for sex, and even if feelings develop they both know it would still be for sex, and a relationship can't happen, thus making it the perfect fling.

 

Benefits for the guy:

 

- Its hot (cougar fantsy)

- Its safe (no or low risk of pregancy, and low risk of VD because of woman's inexperience)

- No relationship talk

 

Benefits for the woman:

 

- No guilt, given he is just a sex talk, a dildo with legs sort of speak.

 

[Moxie Lady]

 

It's not good,it's great!

 

Being looked down upon and considered unprofessional by your coworkers and superiors at work is great.

 

OK, Im out

[ChickiePops]

Have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? Cause I dont think anyone is actually qualified to answer that until they experience it.

 

 

 

Oh well thats good then! As long as you dont get fired, looking unprofessional is apparently no big deal.[/quote

 

 

 

It's not good,it's great!

 

??

 

Thought you didn't enjoy hurting your husband. Why are you gloating now?

[LuLu Bee]

You seem pretty sure you know what your husband is thinking.

 

And will think a couple of months from now.

 

Your thoughts on your Husband with another woman may get tested. You did it, so dont think he wont remember that when temptation comes his way.

 

But hey, if it works for the both of you, no one here will get offended. If infidelity is ok, guiltless or not a deal breaker in your marriage, Enjoy.

 

I would suggest you try truly unattached APs. You might destroy a wedding or something.

 

Peace.

 

 

Unlike some people here I do not see infidelity as a deal breaker to end a relationship nor do I see it as the worse thing that can happen in a relationship. As for my SO if he chooses to have an A one day that will be his choice. I can not and will not control his choices. If the day ever comes that he has an affair,I will stay with him. I have invested time in our relationship and contrary to popular belief I love him. We are human,and no one is perfect. My relationship wit him is worth the fix.

[LuLu Bee]

 

??

 

Thought you didn't enjoy hurting your husband. Why are you gloating now?

 

 

What I said has nothing to do with my SO. It has to to with my job. The person was obviously being sarcastic towards me,I was returning the sarcasm.

[LuLu Bee]

Being looked down upon and considered unprofessional by your coworkers and superiors at work is great.

 

OK, Im out

 

I do not have a superior I have a partner.

[ChickiePops]

I do not have a superior I have a partner.

 

You don't have a boss at work? The poster was referring to your superiors at work. Should we take this to mean that you are the CEO of your company? If so, it could be considered gross moral turpitude/abuse of power to sleep with your subordinate...

 

What exactly are you looking for here? Your question at the beginning was whether or not it was normal to feel no guilt for cheating on your husband. The general consensus was that it was not normal, and people are trying to help you figure out what the issue was, yet your replies have all been defensive and contradictory.

 

You have your answer..no, it's most definitely not normal that you don't few guilty. But if you don't listen to any of the outside perspectives you're getting, how will you ever figure out why you don't feel anything?

 

Why so defensive?

[ladydesigner]

I do not have a superior I have a partner.

 

Yep my WH was screwing the help too. It's not a great look.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It's odd how often new WS/XWS that post here now are very quick to throw the whole "an affair isn't the worse thing that can happen in a marriage" line. I say this because it is a phrase that one does not hear often on other marriage/relationship/infidelity sites.

 

I wonder what that could mean? Hmmmmm

[Miss Clavel]

It's odd how often new WS/XWS that post here now are very quick to throw the whole "an affair isn't the worse thing that can happen in a marriage" line. I say this because it is a phrase that one does not hear often on other marriage/relationship/infidelity sites.

 

I wonder what that could mean? Hmmmmm

 

that they need a bigger boat?

[stillafool]

Only issues I'm worried about is my spouse recovering from this,and me not feeling guilt for having sex with OM.

 

Honestly I do not believe I can get fired for having sex with OM. We were very professional while at work.

 

How did all of this start?

[LuLu Bee]

Yep my WH was screwing the help too. It's not a great look.

 

I'm not your WS,nor will I ever consider someone who is on my team that makes less money than I "the help"

[LuLu Bee]

You don't have a boss at work? The poster was referring to your superiors at work. Should we take this to mean that you are the CEO of your company? If so, it could be considered gross moral turpitude/abuse of power to sleep with your subordinate...

 

What exactly are you looking for here? Your question at the beginning was whether or not it was normal to feel no guilt for cheating on your husband. The general consensus was that it was not normal, and people are trying to help you figure out what the issue was, yet your replies have all been defensive and contradictory.

 

You have your answer..no, it's most definitely not normal that you don't few guilty. But if you don't listen to any of the outside perspectives you're getting, how will you ever figure out why you don't feel anything?

 

Why so defensive?

 

Exactly, I came here to ask a question. I did not want to go into background detail which is why my original post has no detail,Obviously if someone asked for a bit more detail I will give it. Whether I was in an abusive relationship (which im not) or a great relationship,doesn't change the fact I feel no guilt.

The majority of my responses have not been defensive. As I recall I was thrown snide remarks first. Most of you have taken away the topic of the original post,and have turned this into trying to bash me. Not sure what your background is or if some of you bashing me are betrayed spouses,but if you are I will assume you are seeing me as your WS. If that is the case take that up with your WS not me. I'm also going to assume after saying that comment I will continue to get snide remarks. I came here to try and have a better understand as to why I feel no guilt. Some of you have been helpful,but most are very judgmental,and want to take the focus of my original post away.

[LuLu Bee]

How did all of this start?

 

I ran into him outside of work one evening at a rock climbing facility. My partner started conversation with him first,and that day we hit it off immediately. When I say immediately I mean friendship way. A few months past.and I ran into him again at a indoor sky diving facility. I'd say that day is when we started talking more,and soon after that we were inviting each other to places. It was always just friendship until one day I;d say about 2 months ago is when we started giving each other compliments and becoming more touchy.not touching each other sexually,just more touchy. About 1 month after that is when we had sex, it wasn't planned,but it happen that day,and only that day.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I ran into him outside of work one evening at a rock climbing facility. My partner started conversation with him first,and that day we hit it off immediately. When I say immediately I mean friendship way. A few months past.and I ran into him again at a indoor sky diving facility. I'd say that day is when we started talking more,and soon after that we were inviting each other to places. It was always just friendship until one day I;d say about 2 months ago is when we started giving each other compliments and becoming more touchy.not touching each other sexually,just more touchy. About 1 month after that is when we had sex, it wasn't planned,but it happen that day,and only that day.

 

As a FWW....I will tell you again. I did not have immediate guilt. I told my husband...I am sorry I hurt you but I am not sorry I did it.

 

I believe your guilt will come as you learn more about true remorse....as you come to understand all the pain you have caused your husband....as you move toward reconciliation.

 

I would like to encourage you to read the linda macdonald book...how to help your spouse heal from your affair.

 

It is 95 pages and there is a free download online.

 

It may help you to approach healing both for your husband and for yourself.

 

Obviously you came here for a reason....those folks who have given you advice or who have shared an opinion have done so in hopes that their words may help you toward healing.

 

Everyone here has an opinion...and each can be different than the next. There is no one size fits all answer. Many folks here have been deeply impacted by infidelity...relationships have been destroyed. It is a deeply emotional and deeply personal topic.

 

Your responses...are very similar to many other waywards when they are just beginning their road to recovery. Folks here...are trying to help you progress on that road more quickly.

 

One of the first steps of recovery is honesty. You must be honest with yourself and with your partner. The next step is transparency....you must become an open book to your spouse....all passwords to all accounts....

and the next step is accountability....accepting responsibility for the choices you have made....accepting responsibility for the pain you have caused.

 

I think Therapy is very important...it will help you sort through the hows and whys. You cannot "fix" what is broken if you don't know what it is. I also think it is a good thing to see a lawyer. Find out what your rights are and where you stand should a divorce happen.

 

I recommend often...read what others share...and take what is applicable to your situation...and disregard the rest.

[understand50]

I ran into him outside of work one evening at a rock climbing facility. My partner started conversation with him first,and that day we hit it off immediately. When I say immediately I mean friendship way. A few months past.and I ran into him again at a indoor sky diving facility. I'd say that day is when we started talking more,and soon after that we were inviting each other to places. It was always just friendship until one day I;d say about 2 months ago is when we started giving each other compliments and becoming more touchy.not touching each other sexually,just more touchy. About 1 month after that is when we had sex, it wasn't planned,but it happen that day,and only that day.

 

So, was this a One Night Stand? As you told your husband, I can see why you are not really upset, as he seems to have taken it well. I think, in the end, you will as your husband does not really process this. Right now, he may be in more, " I need to put up with this to keep her mode".

 

Yes, for some, infidelity is just not a big thing, and if you and yours are one of those, that it is your business. I think by the fact of you coming here, assuming you are real, you see something in yourself that you do not like. You are surprised that you do not feel more or any remorse. As Mrs JA stated above, finding out, by IC, or by just talking it out with your husband will help you. I think you are starting a journey, and this is your first step. You have started your husband along this path as well. Where this will lead to, remains to be seen. I hope it is a better place, but I think you will find that you will regret cheating later.

 

In any case, I wish you luck.....

[ChickiePops]

Exactly, I came here to ask a question. I did not want to go into background detail which is why my original post has no detail,Obviously if someone asked for a bit more detail I will give it. Whether I was in an abusive relationship (which im not) or a great relationship,doesn't change the fact I feel no guilt.

The majority of my responses have not been defensive. As I recall I was thrown snide remarks first. Most of you have taken away the topic of the original post,and have turned this into trying to bash me. Not sure what your background is or if some of you bashing me are betrayed spouses,but if you are I will assume you are seeing me as your WS. If that is the case take that up with your WS not me. I'm also going to assume after saying that comment I will continue to get snide remarks. I came here to try and have a better understand as to why I feel no guilt. Some of you have been helpful,but most are very judgmental,and want to take the focus of my original post away.

 

I guess we must be reading things in different ways. I haven't seen anything I would consider bashing..I see people asking insightful questions to try to help answer your question..mostly because not feeling guilty makes you a good candidate to continue the affair or to have multiple affairs.

 

For example, my asking if you are the CEO of your company (as you indicated that you don't have any superiors at work) was out of concern that you could be in more trouble than you think.

[LifesontheUp]

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but now that you have let your husband know what happened and you have come on here because of your lack of remorse, I was wondering if you are going to go to marriage counselling?

[Sub]

It's odd how often new WS/XWS that post here now are very quick to throw the whole "an affair isn't the worse thing that can happen in a marriage" line. I say this because it is a phrase that one does not hear often on other marriage/relationship/infidelity sites.

 

I wonder what that could mean? Hmmmmm

 

I think most importantly is that there's really no point to the statement. Whether or not it's "the worst thing" doesn't nullify its' effect. Just deal with and address what it is within your particular R, not what you think it isn't.

 

I'd hope the OP's lack of guilt doesn't strictly stem from a "worse things can happen" perspective, though.

[aliveagain]

Just my personal view, no, it is not normal. Why? because your actions have forever changed the natural course of your relationship with your husband and it may take years before the consequences of that betrayal surface. He now knows that if the opportunity arises and you think you can get away with it you will act on it. He also knows that what once was the sanctity of your work place may now be a danger to his relationship with you because you allowed fornication to seep into it. In the past he relied on you to protect his rights as your spouse when he couldn't be there to do it himself. Well, that's all changed. That innocence is forever gone. I can assure you, guilt feelings or not, you have forever changed the way your husband thinks about your commitment to your marriage with him. He is wondering what commitment really means to you. Think hard about the change that has just taken place and who it was that forced this change.

 

The other part of this is your affair partner who is engaged to be married will be building a foundation for his marriage on lies and infidelity. Feeling guilty, does it really matter because your husband has proof that your conscience no longer works in the realm of purity anymore. That makes me sad.

[merrmeade]

I am absolutely convinced from my own experience and from others that, when the BS doesn't find out or doesn't react to the cheating when s/he finds out, the WS will do it again. It may not be right away; it might be years. But it will happen because the lack of consequence has opened a door to possibility. When the opportunity arises again, there's no reference or reminder that the fallout is too permanent and difficult weighed against the temporary pleasure

[Clay]

I am absolutely convinced from my own experience and from others that, when the BS doesn't find out or doesn't react to the cheating when s/he finds out, the WS will do it again. It may not be right away; it might be years. But it will happen because the lack of consequence has opened a door to possibility. When the opportunity arises again, there's no reference or reminder that the fallout is too permanent and difficult weighed against the temporary pleasure

 

She has nothing to loose. The way she comes off is she has it all under control. It comes across to me as arrogance but without the really knowledge to back it up. I don't mean that as a attack but I think we see this in a quite a few cheaters that have came her and other sites. She knows what is best for her and what is best for her husband. If she really knew the damage she has just caused she would probably give anything to take it back including her job. I doubt seriously she will really work on this at all. I think her husband is going to suffer for as long as he is with her.

 

I have seen three of us recommend the How to help your spouse heal from a affair and she clearly has no interest in really helping him. Imagine if the roles were reverse would we see this same attitude out of her. Would she still feel that cheating is not that big of a deal. I seriously doubt it. I think it also is like other cheaters thinking. Its not a big deal when I do it but don't you ever do it to me.

 

I still think she needs to leave her husband and let him go heal on his own.

 

I believe you are right in the end. She will repeat this behavior because there is no consequences for her actions. Nothing to stop her at all. Hopefully he realizes the real personal he has been married to and faithful to soon so he can start to protect himself better.

 

C