I feel absolutely no guilt. Is this normal?

[summerdowling87]

It's normal for sociopaths.

 

I was going to say that..:laugh:

 

No but seriously...It's not normal.

[MJJean]

Not feeling guilty is probably more common that many of us would like to admit.

 

My exAP often said she felt no guilt, remorse or regret. For her, after years of not being satisfied, she finally got what she wanted. I don't think that makes her a sociopath, narcissist or any of these other labels we try to slap on people.

 

I married my exH because I was very young, got pregnant due to BC failure, couldn't bring myself to abort, and wanted to "do the right thing". I didn't love my ex, he was completely incapable of fulfilling even my most basic needs, and I have to admit that I felt no guilt, either. Still don't.

 

Yet I've been with my final AP for 16 years, married 13 of those, and I couldn't imagine cheating on him, much less not feeling crushing guilt if I did.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I remember saying to john early on...I do not feel guilty for having the affair...but I feel guilty for hurting you.

 

It is called justification.

[Lobe]

I remember saying to john early on...I do not feel guilty for having the affair...but I feel guilty for hurting you.

 

It is called justification.

 

To me the obvious question is, if you do not feel guilt, why did you feel entitled to have an affair? When the opportunity presented itself, one of two things was going on - either you MADE space for this to happen, or the space was already there. The only difference between one and the other is how you justify to yourself what happened. Obviously you have an explanation for yourself that is allows you to feel no remorse. I'm curious what lies you have told yourself.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Lobe
grammar, dammit

[Mrs. John Adams]

To me the obvious question is, if you do not feel guilt, why did you feel entitled to have an affair? When the opportunity presented itself, one of two things was going on - either you MADE space for this to happen, or the space was already there. The only difference between one and the other is how you justify to yourself what happened. Obviously you have an explanation for yourself that is allows you to feel no remorse. I'm curious what lies you have told yourself.

 

Are you asking me this question? or the op? Because if you are asking me

you will notice that i said I remember saying early on I felt no guilt. It has been 33 years since I said that.

 

I felt entitled to have an affair because I wanted to....and I made space for my one time... one afternoon affair...by telling my husband I was going shopping and taking myself to lunch.

 

I certainly am remorseful....

[Lobe]

Are you asking me this question? or the op? Because if you are asking me

you will notice that i said I remember saying early on I felt no guilt. It has been 33 years since I said that.

 

I felt entitled to have an affair because I wanted to....and I made space for my one time... one afternoon affair...by telling my husband I was going shopping and taking myself to lunch.

 

I certainly am remorseful....

 

The OP - sorry. Still learning how to use this forum...

[Mrs. John Adams]

The OP - sorry. Still learning how to use this forum...

 

Hey...I just recently learned how to quote more than one post! lol

 

It is a good question...I hope she answers it.

[burnt]

Hi Lulu,

I was a MOW and had an affair with a MM three years ago.

 

I am a SEVERE empath and pretty much have felt like walking on egg shells my whole life wondering what other people think of what I'm doing--what's wrong with me and all that.

 

I had ZERO guilt having the affair.

I was utterly and absolutely in love with the MM and it was my FIRST time being in love and being physically and emotionally intimate with a man.

And after all this time, I still have NO guilt. I have all sorts of other painful emotions that I go through, but no guilt.

I have severe guilt about many, many many other things in life--everyday, but not about the affair.

 

After going through enough, enough, enough unbearable pain after the affair, I have come to discover something really really unbelievable: that I have been living in an emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage all these years and just never realized what was going on with me.

 

I am not going to jump in the bandwagon along with everyone else and call you sociopath for not feeling guilt.

But I'd suggest that you look at it as a possible symptom of something else that's dysfunctional in your life. Allow this lack of guilt to guide you to examine and find out what's going on with YOU and your emotions.

 

Not having guilt about something doesn't make one a sociopath; people who kill others for self defense don't feel guilt for killing--they feel relieved for making a wrong a right.

 

What I'm saying is just because you don't have guilt doesn't make you a bad person--but there must be a reason for you to not feel the guilt and it's much more productive to examine that.

[66Charger]

There is another person that is not factored into this equation.

 

And that is the young APs fiancee. If she were to find out and the marriage is canceled, would you feel guilt then? Or do you just not think about that or assign that "guilt" to your AP?

 

Just because your Husband doormatted, (for now) doesnt mean she will.

[ladydesigner]

I am sorry hearing others say they felt no guilt for having an A is pretty sick and requires some major introspection.

 

An empath would feel guilt straight out. If you do not feel guilt you are for sure not the definition of an empath, sorry.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am sorry hearing others say they felt no guilt for having an A is pretty sick and requires some major introspection.

 

An empath would feel guilt straight out. If you do not feel guilt you are for sure not the definition of an empath, sorry.

 

I think it is very "normal" to not feel guilt for an affair...until you understand exactly what it is you have done...until you see the destruction you have caused...until you see the pain in your spouses eyes

 

I think those who have cheated against their spouse...rarely understand the repercussions of what they have done immediately after disclosure or discovery.

 

of course it requires introspection....and that comes with the realization of what they have done...and that comes at different times for different waywards.

 

Betrayeds understand immediately what a wayward has done...because they feel the impact of the betrayal immediately. Waywards are coming off of an emotional or physical high....they have no idea of the pain they have caused....until they begin to process it.

[Daisy2013]

Did something happen in your marriage relationship or in your past that could cause you to harden? Sorry if I missed if you said it already.

 

I identify exactly with Burnt, as I felt no guilt, and could repeat exactly how she felt with her MM. However, my childhood was bad and I built walls to avoid "feeling" pain and I basically lived alone during my marriage, my H was emotionally absent and an alcoholic. Again, I shut out the pain, when I should have left. I begged for attention for years and remember when I finally shut down. When MM hit on me, I was ripe and fell in love quickly.

 

Perhaps examine yourself to see why no guilt. I am headed into therapy to fix myself so this doesn't happen again. Maybe therapy could help you, too.

[JohnAdams]

I probably have a different perspective than many on this thread. I had an RA after my wife's affair. I not only felt guilty afterwards, I felt guilty during. In the few times I met my ow, I immediately got sick to my stomach with diarrhea. Sorry for being graphic but true. My experience was such that I could not understand how anyone could do this and not feel guilty. As a matter of fact I felt bad because I felt guilty. How can anyone with morals, principles or plain just care for someone and not feel guilty?

[LuLu Bee]

Would it bother you if your significant other cheated behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's as well?

 

If my spouse cheated on me, I would stay with him. I also hope he would use protection. I'm assuming I would feel hurt,but I don't know until that day comes. I also do not have his penis chained to my hand 24/7 therefor I can't for sure say he has or hasn't. I don't think anyone can.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I probably have a different perspective than many on this thread. I had an RA after my wife's affair. I not only felt guilty afterwards, I felt guilty during. In the few times I met my ow, I immediately got sick to my stomach with diarrhea. Sorry for being graphic but true. My experience was such that I could not understand how anyone could do this and not feel guilty. As a matter of fact I felt bad because I felt guilty. How can anyone with morals, principles or plain just care for someone and not feel guilty?

 

I only "met" my AP one time....and i felt guilt..

i guess it depends your definition of guilt...right?

 

What does guilt mean?

1.

the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability:

He admitted his guilt.

2.

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3.

conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.:

 

I knew as soon as i left the AP's bed...I had done wrong...but i justified it in my mind.....no....I knew as i followed him in my car to his house...that I was wrong...I knew as i made the date to have lunch with him it was wrong....

 

i certainly knew...i was wrong..from the beginning...as soon as he put his phone number in my hand...and i did not throw it away...that i was wrong

 

I wonder how many truly do not know while they are in the process of committing adultery...that what they are doing is wrong.

 

very few....very few who commit adultery are not aware that what they are about to do is wrong...but they proceed anyway.

 

and yet...we justify and feel no guilt.......

[LuLu Bee]

I don't want to be off topic but for some reason I'm seeing alot of women involved in affairs with men 20+ yrs younger than them. Is there something in the water?

 

Never thought I'd have an affair,especially with a guy 20 years younger than me as I've always been attracted to older men.

[LuLu Bee]

Your thread reminds me a great deal of this locked from February 2016 by Scorpio16....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/568458-affair-recently-ended-much-younger-man

 

Perhaps you could read a lot of the comments made to her just to gather more information.

 

Thank you for sharing this,and also your opinion from your own experience. It is very helpful to me.

[LuLu Bee]

There is another person that is not factored into this equation.

 

And that is the young APs fiancee. If she were to find out and the marriage is canceled, would you feel guilt then? Or do you just not think about that or assign that "guilt" to your AP?

 

Just because your Husband doormatted, (for now) doesnt mean she will.

 

She is not aware of the affair. Although he brought to her attention his desire to be with another woman (me) She told him it would crush her if he did it,and of course she was upset. She also said she had a feeling he was feeling this way. Again he is not going to tell her he acted on his desire to have sex with me.

[burnt]

I am sorry hearing others say they felt no guilt for having an A is pretty sick and requires some major introspection.

 

An empath would feel guilt straight out. If you do not feel guilt you are for sure not the definition of an empath, sorry.

 

You are absolutely right--I did. I had a major introspection.

 

And I discovered that:

My marriage had been celibate the whole time--for over a decade and a half.

There was NO physical and NO emotional connection the whole time.

My husband has been a covert narcissist and all these years I had been hating and blaming myself and had been severely depressed and had been suicidal for years. And he has been lying from day 1--pathologically.

 

I am trying to run from this abusive relationship at any cost at this point.

 

The truth is, while legally I have been married, I have not experienced what it feels like to be in a married relationship for a single day.

 

My point was that the very FACT that I didn't feel any guilt was really a glaring sign that something was monumentally wrong with my marriage (or so called marriage).

 

As funny as you might find it--though legally I was married and had EA/PA affair, I didn't cheat physically or emotionally on my husband, since I never had physical or emotional romantic affection with him to be begin with.

 

I didn't know what being held by a man, or being kissed, or being touched by a man felt like before my affair.

 

So, sorry to say, I didn't feel any guilt, nor do I still see why I should feel any guilt. Care to explain why you think it's sick of me to not feel any guilt?

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are absolutely right--I did. I had a major introspection.

 

And I discovered that:

My marriage had been celibate the whole time--for over a decade and a half.

There was NO physical and NO emotional connection the whole time.

My husband has been a covert narcissist and all these years I had been hating and blaming myself and had been severely depressed and had been suicidal for years. And he has been lying from day 1--pathologically.

 

I am trying to run from this abusive relationship at any cost at this point.

 

The truth is, while legally I have been married, I have not experienced what it feels like to be in a married relationship for a single day.

 

My point was that the very FACT that I didn't feel any guilt was really a glaring sign that something was monumentally wrong with my marriage (or so called marriage).

 

As funny as you might find it--though legally I was married and had EA/PA affair, I didn't cheat physically or emotionally on my husband, since I never had physical or emotional romantic affection with him to be begin with.

 

I didn't know what being held by a man, or being kissed, or being touched by a man felt like before my affair.

 

So, sorry to say, I didn't feel any guilt, nor do I still see why I should feel any guilt. Care to explain why you think it's sick of me to not feel any guilt?

 

Don't you think knowing what is wrong...and feeling guilt are separate things?

 

Just because we know what is wrong...does not mean we feel guilty over it.

 

 

I think we justify it...validate it...in our minds ...that what we are doing is ok.

 

Guilt comes later...when we realize that what we have done has affected others...especially our partners

[minimariah]

An empath would feel guilt straight out.

 

not necessarily - being an empath does not mean you'll empathize with just about EVERYONE; not feeling guilt makes perfect sense if you're completely emotionally detached AND abused or wronged at some level... by your spouse. so you won't feel guilty because you'll feel like they either deserve it or won't be really upset or hurt by it.

 

OP, i think you have deeper issues in your marriage you have yet to recognize. and also, you obviously don't view the affair as important or earthshattering... which would explain your nonchalant attitude with your AP's partner.

Edited June 7, 2016 by minimariah

[dichotomy]

My first wife (PA) felt nothing - because she had built up resentment, and had no feelings for me, or cared nothing about loosing me at all. She wanted out anyway.

 

My second wife was (a bad EA and lies) also initially felt no guild or remorse, until she realized what she had lost with me, and could have lost "it all" with me - then - and only then - the regret and remorse came albeit slow and in steps. To this day I think she understands she still lost something special with me, but finally put the effort in to keep something.

 

I did not read the whole thread, but you seem to gloss over your husbands reaction as being "upset but that it could be put in the past".

 

I therefore speculate - The lack of anger and resentment on your husbands part part - or that you have not really lost anything (his love or the marriage) - OR your not caring that much about his loss or the marriage loss - make you not feel that much regret.

 

By the way - some people feel remorse and regret when they have hurt others (your husband, the OM's wife to be) they have empathy - others feel regret and remorse ONLY when its going to affect them directly and negatively. The last type of person usually has a personality disorder because if its not about them - or their own losses - they don't care.

 

If there is no loss felt - usually no regret.

Edited June 7, 2016 by dichotomy

[ladydesigner]

I probably have a different perspective than many on this thread. I had an RA after my wife's affair. I not only felt guilty afterwards, I felt guilty during. In the few times I met my ow, I immediately got sick to my stomach with diarrhea. Sorry for being graphic but true. My experience was such that I could not understand how anyone could do this and not feel guilty. As a matter of fact I felt bad because I felt guilty. How can anyone with morals, principles or plain just care for someone and not feel guilty?

 

I have to agree and I had a RA too. I felt guilt during the A and after until I confessed to my WH.

[ladydesigner]

You are absolutely right--I did. I had a major introspection.

 

And I discovered that:

My marriage had been celibate the whole time--for over a decade and a half.

There was NO physical and NO emotional connection the whole time.

My husband has been a covert narcissist and all these years I had been hating and blaming myself and had been severely depressed and had been suicidal for years. And he has been lying from day 1--pathologically.

 

I am trying to run from this abusive relationship at any cost at this point.

 

The truth is, while legally I have been married, I have not experienced what it feels like to be in a married relationship for a single day.

 

My point was that the very FACT that I didn't feel any guilt was really a glaring sign that something was monumentally wrong with my marriage (or so called marriage).

 

As funny as you might find it--though legally I was married and had EA/PA affair, I didn't cheat physically or emotionally on my husband, since I never had physical or emotional romantic affection with him to be begin with.

 

I didn't know what being held by a man, or being kissed, or being touched by a man felt like before my affair.

 

So, sorry to say, I didn't feel any guilt, nor do I still see why I should feel any guilt. Care to explain why you think it's sick of me to not feel any guilt?

 

I think to inflict pain on another (abuse or A) and not feel any guilt is strange I don't understand it I guess.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have to say I am kinda floored that so many feel no guilt or only sorrow.

 

I am also floored that a self described empath would have zero guilt, there was an innocent BW that didn't do her any harm...but...nope.

 

Then the OP, who knew the OM SO feelings about infidelity..."she would be crushed", "upset" and nope....none for her either.

 

It is not the lack of guilt during the act...obviously guilt isn't there...or the infidelity wouldn't have happened. But never? Ever? Not even after the affair is over? Or those R?

 

It's a head scratcher to me.