I feel absolutely no guilt. Is this normal?

[Moxie Lady]

I think to inflict pain on another (abuse or A) and not feel any guilt is strange I don't understand it I guess.

 

I agree totally with this. Having an affair is never the right way to handle problems in a marriage. I dont buy the justification that lack of guilt or empathy for breaking vows and hurting the spouse or mate should have anything to do with problems in a marriage. Everyone has problems in a marriage, not everyone has affairs or worse yet, has affairs while feeling nothing for the person they have promised to forsake all others for.

[SammySammy]

All affairs don't inflict pain on others. The one I was in was never discovered. I ended it before it got to that point. If any pain was inflicted, it was on the people involved.

 

Don't assume your experience defines what is "normal" for others.

[Moxie Lady]

All affairs don't inflict pain on others. The one I was in was never discovered. I ended it before it got to that point. If any pain was inflicted, it was on the people involved.

 

Don't assume your experience defines what is "normal" for others.

 

You're kidding, I hope.

 

Just because an affair was never discovered you think thats not inflicting pain on a betrayed partner? That's inflicting the worst kind of pain in my opinion: the kind where you break vows, cheat, AND lie so that you are taking away your partner's ability to choose what they want for their own life based on the realities of it.

[66Charger]

All affairs don't inflict pain on others. The one I was in was never discovered. I ended it before it got to that point. If any pain was inflicted, it was on the people involved.

 

Don't assume your experience defines what is "normal" for others.

 

And dont assume yours does either.

[LuLu Bee]

I have to say I am kinda floored that so many feel no guilt or only sorrow.

 

I am also floored that a self described empath would have zero guilt, there was an innocent BW that didn't do her any harm...but...nope.

 

Then the OP, who knew the OM SO feelings about infidelity..."she would be crushed", "upset" and nope....none for her either.

 

It is not the lack of guilt during the act...obviously guilt isn't there...or the infidelity wouldn't have happened. But never? Ever? Not even after the affair is over? Or those R?

 

It's a head scratcher to me.

I will be honest,I did not think about her feelings. However,I'm thinking about them now.

[LuLu Bee]

All affairs don't inflict pain on others. The one I was in was never discovered. I ended it before it got to that point. If any pain was inflicted, it was on the people involved.

 

Don't assume your experience defines what is "normal" for others.

 

I agree. What is normal to some,may not be normal to other's.

[burnt]

I think to inflict pain on another (abuse or A) and not feel any guilt is strange I don't understand it I guess.

 

Don't you think knowing what is wrong...and feeling guilt are separate things?

I think we justify it...validate it...in our minds ...that what we are doing is ok.

Guilt comes later...when we realize that what we have done has affected others...especially our partners

 

I think I'm failing to make the same point;

 

so let me put it to you this way:

those of you who have sex with your husbands, do you feel sick of yourself and guilty when you then see your children or your siblings or your parents for betraying their trust?

 

Do you feel that touching your lover makes you feel guilty for how you are hurting your father?

 

My point was, my point is, to repeat myself,

WHY do you think I should feel guilty for having an EA/PA affair when my husband and I were living like father-daughter (except an abusive father, abused daughter) the entire time and my "affair" was my FIRST experience of intimacy?

 

If you have sex with your husband and sex with another man, then you can expect the normal "guilt" for invalidating the vow. What vow did I violate for which I should feel guilty?

 

More importantly, if my husband didn't have any physical/emotional connection with his wife the entire time, can you PLEASE care to explain why my actions would remotely "hurt" him? Do you feel hurt when your brother has sex with another woman? Do you feel betrayed?

 

I don't want to turn this about me; so let me divert the discussion back to OP.

The original point about OP I was trying to make was this:

When you don't feel guilt over something that everyone thinks you should feel guilty, there is something much more serious going on with the marriage and that's what needs to be examined more than the lack of guilt over the affair.

[stillafool]

Never thought I'd have an affair,especially with a guy 20 years younger than me as I've always been attracted to older men.

 

I'm just noticing this alot in my real life and also here on this forum. There was a woman on here 2 mos ago who was having an affair with an 19 year old and she was 58. Why are these young men all of a sudden wanting to have sex with women this old? What are they looking for?

[Lois_Griffin]

Neither of us was looking to cheat. I certainly was not lacking sex,I get plenty from my spouse. I will be honest he had my attention immediately,and I wasn't sure how or why? Looking back I guess we were in an emotional affair without actually realizing it to be. We spent a lot of time together inside and outside of work. We were affectionate towards each other such as giving hugs,very touchy and a flirty comment here and there. However we were never open about our feelings to each other. One night after being out with him I was driving him to his house and he asked me to pull over so I did and he says I just want 1 kiss from you. I was shocked and hesitant,but gave in,and 1 kissed led to 30 minutes of kissing. Soon after it led to sex,but not that same night.

Oh lordy...a 20 year old boy?

 

I have things older in my freezer than him.

 

You do know that you're this kid's Mrs. Robinson fantasy don't you? Oh wait, he'd have no clue who that is. You're his Stiffler's mother fantasy. Oh wait, I don't think he's old enough to know who that is, either.

 

Well crap.

 

But you know what I mean.

 

I have no clue what to tell you about why you feel no guilt or remorse, only you can answer that.

[Furious]

I've told my spouse, and he is staying with me. Of course he was upset,but also feels we can get past this with time.

 

My 20 year old is around because we work together. I'm in a higher position than him,and could lose my job if this came out.

 

I can also assure you I'm not an easy xxxx as he is the 2nd man I have ever had sex with in all my 40 years, I can also assure you he does not see me as an easy xxxx

 

Your opening post was about is it "normal" to not feel guilt for cheating on your husband.

 

Seeing that you've involved yourself with a 20 year old who has a fiancé and you're in a higher position than him at your work and could get fired if this thing came out is beyond just asking if not feeling guilt is normal or not.

 

Is it normal for a 20 year to get themselves into situations that they're not emotionally equipped and mature enough to handle...absolutely.

 

You are married woman who is 40 years old and in a higher position at your work and having a fling with a 20 year old and you wonder if it's normal to not feel guilt.

 

Maybe not feeling guilt is only one issues of the many issues you should be taking a deeper look into.

[understand50]

I'm just noticing this alot in my real life and also here on this forum. There was a woman on here 2 mos ago who was having an affair with an 19 year old and she was 58. Why are these young men all of a sudden wanting to have sex with women this old? What are they looking for?

 

Well Stillafool,

 

Let's let Benjamin Franklin, give his take.

 

" June 25, 1745

 

My dear Friend,

 

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

 

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

 

i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

 

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

 

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.

 

4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

 

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

 

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

 

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

 

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

 

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend."

 

So this is not a new concept, by any means.

 

I wish you luck......

[Sub]

When you don't feel guilt over something that everyone thinks you should feel guilty, there is something much more serious going on with the marriage and that's what needs to be examined more than the lack of guilt over the affair.

 

I think it depends on the situation. Some times it us just about the individual. Some people feel entitled. Some take a mole hill and make it a mountain. And while some need some analysis of the state of the M, you could even go further. To use your case, I would examine why you'd enter into a M that had no intimacy or physical/emotional connection in the first place.

 

OP may not feel guilty because she doesn't think it's a "real" thing that's a threat to her M. The AP is practically a kid. A boy toy, so to speak. Maybe she's justifying not feeling guilty because she's not taking the fling seriously. It could have little to do with her M.

 

And even if the M isn't perfect, does that mean guilt is off the table entirely? Everyone has some issues in their M, large or small. To what level do those issues have to be to nullify guilt?

[Friskyone4u]

Lu Lu

 

Sounds like you really need some IC here. Maybe the reason you have no guilt is that it appears your uisband has decided to play the pick me game, and apparently even before he found out OM is leaving company had already told you you were forgiven and that all was going to be OK.

 

You have had absolutely no consequences despite the fact that you cheated, and also put your job in jeopardy, which still could happen if OM wife finds out and comes after you. And you are still thinking of doing it again if you thought you could get away with it, or you want to.

 

So you and your husband need to figure this one out because if you committ adultery, have no remorse , the odds say you will do it again since it was fun for you and nothing bad really happened.

[elaine567]

It is a virgin bride problem.

The OP has never had sex with another man, the golden opportunity arose and she took it.

She wanted it, she felt she deserved it and she was entitled to it.

She has been faithful for 20 years to the only man she has ever had sex with and I guess she felt the opportunity with such a hot young guy, a guy she knew and was friends with, was not going to come along again.

Hence the lack of guilt or remorse.

[LuLu Bee]

Your opening post was about is it "normal" to not feel guilt for cheating on your husband.

 

Seeing that you've involved yourself with a 20 year old who has a fiancé and you're in a higher position than him at your work and could get fired if this thing came out is beyond just asking if not feeling guilt is normal or not.

 

Is it normal for a 20 year to get themselves into situations that they're not emotionally equipped and mature enough to handle...absolutely.

 

You are married woman who is 40 years old and in a higher position at your work and having a fling with a 20 year old and you wonder if it's normal to not feel guilt.

 

Maybe not feeling guilt is only one issues of the many issues you should be taking a deeper look into.

 

 

Only issues I'm worried about is my spouse recovering from this,and me not feeling guilt for having sex with OM.

 

Honestly I do not believe I can get fired for having sex with OM. We were very professional while at work.

[LuLu Bee]

It is a virgin bride problem.

The OP has never had sex with another man, the golden opportunity arose and she took it.

She wanted it, she felt she deserved it and she was entitled to it.

She has been faithful for 20 years to the only man she has ever had sex with and I guess she felt the opportunity with such a hot young guy, a guy she knew and was friends with, was not going to come along again.

Hence the lack of guilt or remorse.

 

You make a lot of sense. I started to become curious about being with someone else. This curiosity started to happen a few years ago. Although I had plenty of opportunity to have an A, I never did as I didn't want to have sex with just anyone.

[RecentChange]

I think it depends on the situation......

 

OP may not feel guilty because she doesn't think it's a "real" thing that's a threat to her M. The AP is practically a kid. A boy toy, so to speak. Maybe she's justifying not feeling guilty because she's not taking the fling seriously. It could have little to do with her M?

 

I know that there is a TON of projecting on this thread, and we all come from our own experiences. I can't speak for the OP, but for ME, yes, this was a big part of my lack of guilt I think - I had a fling, a physical affair, he wasn't 20 years younger, but we was 10 years younger.

 

I didn't see him a threat to my relationship, I had no interest in a "relationship" with the other man (I just wanted to hump him).

 

I think, perhaps, if I had developed feelings for the other man, or god forbid fell in love with him - maybe then I would have been riddled with guilt. But even with a D Day - even though I am very remorseful for the hurt I have caused - I still do not know if I call it GUILT.

 

Here is an interesting take on guilt vs. remorse:

 

Guilt is a common emotion but can create unhappiness and depression. There is an important difference between remorse and guilt. Guilt is an emotion experienced when you think the following ways: I have done something that I should not have done or failed to do something I should have done. My actions fall short of my moral standards, and violate my concept of fair, decent behavior. This “bad behavior”, proves I am a “bad person”. The idea of yourself as “bad” is central to guilt. Without it, your hurtful action may lead to a healthy feeling of remorse or regret, but not guilt.

 

Remorse comes from an undistorted awareness that you fully acted in a hurtful manner towards someone, in a way which violated your personal ethical standards. Remorse carries no implication that your actions prove you are inherently bad, evil or immoral. It can direct you to take steps to change that hurtful behavior. Guilt usually paralyzes you from positive action. Remorse or regret is aimed at the behavior that was done. Guilt is targeted towards your “self”.

 

Only issues I'm worried about is my spouse recovering from this,and me not feeling guilt for having sex with OM.

 

Well, from one WS to another - Right now, its about your spouse, and putting yourself aside in order to help him heal. While you may not feel guilty, do you feel remorseful, and have you acted in a way its clear to him that you are? Have you read the McDonald writings on helping you heal your spouse?

[LuLu Bee]

Lu Lu

 

Sounds like you really need some IC here. Maybe the reason you have no guilt is that it appears your uisband has decided to play the pick me game, and apparently even before he found out OM is leaving company had already told you you were forgiven and that all was going to be OK.

 

You have had absolutely no consequences despite the fact that you cheated, and also put your job in jeopardy, which still could happen if OM wife finds out and comes after you. And you are still thinking of doing it again if you thought you could get away with it, or you want to.

 

So you and your husband need to figure this one out because if you committ adultery, have no remorse , the odds say you will do it again since it was fun for you and nothing bad really happened.

 

 

My spouse is not playing the pick me game. This may offend some people,but just because you have sex with another person outside your relationship,and your BS chooses to stay with you doesn't mean the BS is playing the "pick me game" or they have to end the relationship with you. Another thing that will anger some of you, if my S/O chooses to have sex with another woman doesn't mean I should leave him. It also doesn't mean I have no backbone. In my opinion cheating is not the worse thing that can happen in a marriage.

 

As for my job I do not believe I can or will get fired. It will cause other's to look down on me and of course I will appear to be unprofessional. OM fiance also works for the same company,but on a different professional floor.

[Clay]

I think you need to leave your husband. He is going to need serious help to get past this. Right now I don't think your capable of being that person. You plan on still working around the same guy with no regard to what this will put your husband through. You clearly can not make and kind of reassurances to him that you wont cheat do to the fact you already stated you feel no guilt at all.

 

Your husband is going to suffer every day your late home. Any times you are not available to talk. His mind is going to drive him crazy.

 

C

[LuLu Bee]

I think you need to leave your husband. He is going to need serious help to get past this. Right now I don't think your capable of being that person. You plan on still working around the same guy with no regard to what this will put your husband through. You clearly can not make and kind of reassurances to him that you wont cheat do to the fact you already stated you feel no guilt at all.

 

Your husband is going to suffer every day your late home. Any times you are not available to talk. His mind is going to drive him crazy.

 

C

 

No I do not need to leave my SO.

OM is leaving the company,he's already put in his 2 week resignation letter.

Edited June 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[ladydesigner]

Lu Lu can I suggest reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair," especially if you are not feeling guilt.

 

This may offend some people,but just because you have sex with another person outside your relationship,and your BS chooses to stay with you doesn't mean the BS is playing the "pick me game" or they have to end the relationship with you.

 

Nope no offense taken here. I never did the pick me dance, my WH always begged for a second chance even though he is as unremorseful as a spouse can get. I picked ME instead.

 

The BS may not be playing that game at all and they may not think too highly of the WS after the A. I know I have lost A LOT of respect for my WH.

[66Charger]

You seem pretty sure you know what your husband is thinking.

 

And will think a couple of months from now.

 

Your thoughts on your Husband with another woman may get tested. You did it, so dont think he wont remember that when temptation comes his way.

 

But hey, if it works for the both of you, no one here will get offended. If infidelity is ok, guiltless or not a deal breaker in your marriage, Enjoy.

 

I would suggest you try truly unattached APs. You might destroy a wedding or something.

 

Peace.

[Moxie Lady]

In my opinion cheating is not the worse thing that can happen in a marriage.

 

Have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? Cause I dont think anyone is actually qualified to answer that until they experience it.

 

As for my job I do not believe I can or will get fired. It will cause other's to look down on me and of course I will appear to be unprofessional.

 

Oh well thats good then! As long as you dont get fired, looking unprofessional is apparently no big deal.

[RecentChange]

I am sure there are many dissimilarities between me and the OP.

 

But I agree with her - That in my case at least, cheating is not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. It IS for some, but absolutely not for others.

 

And yes, I have been cheated on, and took him back.

[ChickiePops]

My spouse is not playing the pick me game. This may offend some people,but just because you have sex with another person outside your relationship,and your BS chooses to stay with you doesn't mean the BS is playing the "pick me game" or they have to end the relationship with you. Another thing that will anger some of you, if my S/O chooses to have sex with another woman doesn't mean I should leave him. It also doesn't mean I have no backbone. In my opinion cheating is not the worse thing that can happen in a marriage.

 

As for my job I do not believe I can or will get fired. It will cause other's to look down on me and of course I will appear to be unprofessional. OM fiance also works for the same company,but on a different professional floor.

 

If your husband doesn't care, and you don't care..why not just have an open marriage? Has this been discussed?

 

I don't agree with those who are saying that you should leave him..he's traumatized..etc. Everyone is different. I do think that you seem bored in your marriage, and that you should afford your husband the same opportunities that you've had to stray.

 

To me, the worst part about cheating is the lying. So why not just bring it all out into the light?

 

And for the record, in case anyone accuses..I am NOT and will never be an OW or a WW. I've been cheated on more than once. I just think that we cannot apply the same color paint to every wall.

 

I will say this though. If you cheat again without asking your husband if he's ok with it first..that would make you a bad person.