Sub Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Whatever you've been smoking, I think you've been hitting it a little too hard, there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 She could have done whatever she wanted outside of your agreed to boundaries also. Your vows, boundaries and feelings are not deciding factors. The only thing that keeps a woman faithful to a man (or vice versa) is her decision to be faithful. Sure, we hope when we make vows and build a life together that we'll keep our commitments to each other. However, if that doesn't happen, you have to realize that marriage document or any agreements you made never gave you control over her. Her thoughts, feelings or actions. I'm smoking truth and reality. Want a hit? Its not the truth. OP has clearly stated her marriage was agreed upon as a traditional marriage. So your stand point that her marriage should be different now really doesn't apply. Sure in your life you can do what you want but clearly OP already stated what she intends on doing. If you think she should have a different agreement in her marriage why not propose it to her. All we are doing is giving our advice based on the information she has given. Take note someone already suggested she have a open marriage and she declined that options as well. C Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 She could have done whatever she wanted outside of your agreed to boundaries also. Your vows, boundaries and feelings are not deciding factors. The only thing that keeps a woman faithful to a man (or vice versa) is her decision to be faithful. Sure, we hope when we make vows and build a life together that we'll keep our commitments to each other. However, if that doesn't happen, you have to realize that marriage document or any agreements you made never gave you control over her. Her thoughts, feelings or actions. I'm smoking truth and reality. Want a hit? You are right....my husband has no control over me in any way. I choose to stay in this relationship...he cant make me. LuLu's husband doesn't control her. Lulu had an affair...Lulu does not feel guilt....and she comes to a forum and says...I screwed around and I don't feel any guilt....is this normal? ok...the answer is no....it is not normal...most cheaters do feel guilty...especially after they confess and see the damage and pain they have caused. Lulu...confessed...her husband is not angry...she still feels no guilt. None of us knows why she doesn't feel guilt. any reason suggested is speculation...and is resented by lulu. The mods will lock the thread for you lulu if you don't want any further discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 You are right....my husband has no control over me in any way. I choose to stay in this relationship...he cant make me. LuLu's husband doesn't control her. Lulu had an affair...Lulu does not feel guilt....and she comes to a forum and says...I screwed around and I don't feel any guilt....is this normal? ok...the answer is no....it is not normal...most cheaters do feel guilty...especially after they confess and see the damage and pain they have caused. Lulu...confessed...her husband is not angry...she still feels no guilt. None of us knows why she doesn't feel guilt. any reason suggested is speculation...and is resented by lulu. The mods will lock the thread for you lulu if you don't want any further discussion. You've come closest to even remotely understanding what I'm saying. I'll just ask, what's normal? In some cultures, people grieve when a person dies. In other cultures, people celebrate. New Orleans has a mixture of the two. Traditional funerals AND second-line parades. What's normal? What is the "right" way to feel about death? People are insisting the way they feel is "normal". Which means there must be some wrong with the way she feels. That's just not true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 You are right....my husband has no control over me in any way. I choose to stay in this relationship...he cant make me. LuLu's husband doesn't control her. Lulu had an affair...Lulu does not feel guilt....and she comes to a forum and says...I screwed around and I don't feel any guilt....is this normal? ok...the answer is no....it is not normal...most cheaters do feel guilty...especially after they confess and see the damage and pain they have caused. Lulu...confessed...her husband is not angry...she still feels no guilt. None of us knows why she doesn't feel guilt. any reason suggested is speculation...and is resented by lulu. The mods will lock the thread for you lulu if you don't want any further discussion. I do not recall saying my SO wasn't angry. If that is what you guys think I said it was said completely wrong. He's feeling all types of emotions,but he is choosing to stay with me. With that said his choice to stay doesn't mean I'm not paying a price for having sex with OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Well.. Maybe the guilt will come I will say I don't understand how you can feel guilty for flirting but not guilty for screwing. I don't have an answer but I would certainly disclose this to both your husband and your therapist I've already discussed this in the open with both. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 She could have done whatever she wanted outside of your agreed to boundaries also. Your vows, boundaries and feelings are not deciding factors. The only thing that keeps a woman faithful to a man (or vice versa) is her decision to be faithful. Sure, we hope when we make vows and build a life together that we'll keep our commitments to each other. However, if that doesn't happen, you have to realize that marriage document or any agreements you made never gave you control over her. Her thoughts, feelings or actions. I'm smoking truth and reality. Want a hit? Your word is your credit card in life, if it means nothing, well what's left to say? The marriage document is only the public document recording the fact that you gave your word to each other, only your word binds you. Guess I'm just a romantic and maybe expect too much from love, but them my interpretation of love is based on the interpretation of a man that lived about 2500 hears ago. He described love as being composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. His name was Aristotle. No one should ever feel that they have to do what they don't want to, they should just be honest about their feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I've told my spouse, and he is staying with me. Of course he was upset,but also feels we can get past this with time. If you don't feel any guilt, why did you tell your spouse ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Your word is your credit card in life, if it means nothing, well what's left to say? The marriage document is only the public document recording the fact that you gave your word to each other, only your word binds you. Guess I'm just a romantic and maybe expect too much from love, but them my interpretation of love is based on the interpretation of a man that lived about 2500 hears ago. He described love as being composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. His name was Aristotle. No one should ever feel that they have to do what they don't want to, they should just be honest about their feelings. As much as I respect Aristotle, he was wrong. It's impossible for one soul to inhabit two bodies. We each have our own soul and it goes where it will. Despite what constraints and agreements we have with another person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Just a question, did you use protection and if so who brought the condoms to your soiree, you a 20 year happily married woman with a husband and children or he, an engaged just about to be married man? Typically neither should be carrying protection unless there was some kind of expectation that sex was going to happen. Your husband didn't have to have his penis chained to your hand, your vow to him was supposed to protect his back when he wasn't there to do it himself. You gave him your word that you would, he believed you unconditionally. What is your plan going forward, how are you going to deal with the imbalance that has now been created by your betrayal? As someone that has been through it I can tell you that it hurts deeply finding out that the person you trust the most has been conspiring with someone else against you. It is hard to get that emptiness out of the pit of your stomach. If he knows you feel no guilt for destroying his trust my guess is it hurts him even more because some of us put a lot of value on what earning our trust is worth. I may get criticized for this as well,but no neither of us had protection. As I said it was not planned. As we were kissing and noticed where it was leading,we went to the local drug store bought condoms,and plan B as well. During that 20 minutes sure we could have changed our mind,but we did not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 You've come closest to even remotely understanding what I'm saying. I'll just ask, what's normal? In some cultures, people grieve when a person dies. In other cultures, people celebrate. New Orleans has a mixture of the two. Traditional funerals AND second-line parades. What's normal? What is the "right" way to feel about death? People are insisting the way they feel is "normal". Which means there must be some wrong with the way she feels. That's just not true. I am assuming...I know never assume....that she thinks it is not normal that she feels no guilt....which is why she asked the question...is this normal? I do find it unsettling...that she feels guilty because she flirted...but she feels no guilt for the sex. It makes me wonder if she is compartmentalizing...and in self denial. Which is why i suggested she tell both her husband and her therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Lulu, have you told your H that you feel zero guilt or regret about what happened? Indeed I have. He knows the truth about it all. Any questions he has I answer truthfully. It may or may not be something he wants to hear,but I am being honest. He's always had access to my email account,social media and cell phone. I know his healing will take time,and I'm prepared for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I am assuming...I know never assume....that she thinks it is not normal that she feels no guilt....which is why she asked the question...is this normal? I do find it unsettling...that she feels guilty because she flirted...but she feels no guilt for the sex. It makes me wonder if she is compartmentalizing...and in self denial. Which is why i suggested she tell both her husband and her therapist. YOU find it unsettling. That doesn't mean she should. That's like a guy with a normal penis telling a guy with a large penis that he's wrong for feeling secure about his size. He should be "normal". He should worry about what the next guy has like all of the other "normal" guys. My experience may be outside of the norm, but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my experience. Doesn't mean that my experience is wrong because it's not what others experience. Doesn't mean that I'm mentally ill because I don't experience the world they way you do. This young lady is entitled to the way she feels. Whether that fits inside somebody's definition of "normal" is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I do not recall saying my SO wasn't angry. If that is what you guys think I said it was said completely wrong. He's feeling all types of emotions,but he is choosing to stay with me. With that said his choice to stay doesn't mean I'm not paying a price for having sex with OM. If you have no guilt....What price are you paying? You see...guilt can be a good thing in that it can prevent you from taking actions that could hurt someone else. Guilt can also prevent you from damaging your relationships with others because you'll think before you act. Or it might be that push you need to fix your mistakes. So when you say you feel no guilt...it indicates that you are also not experiencing any of the feelings accompanied with feeling guilty....sorrow, pain, grief... and as a infidelity survivor...I know that you need to feel all of those things in order to repair the relationship. So telling me you feel no guilt for having sex with another man....even after you have confessed to your husband...concerns me. Is it "normal"...well i believe guilt usually accompanies infidelity. Does it always? No....obviously not since you don't have any. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Indeed I have. He knows the truth about it all. Any questions he has I answer truthfully. It may or may not be something he wants to hear,but I am being honest. He's always had access to my email account,social media and cell phone. I know his healing will take time,and I'm prepared for that. Will you be prepared for 5 years of waiting? That honestly is the standard and everyone is different. Some people it takes longer. I have been through this three times in my life and the last one being a serial cheater. I am ten years out from being with that last cheater and I still experience anxiety at times. I often wonder if the nightmares will ever end. These are things you need to be prepared for. You also need to keep in mind when he is triggering and goes through these moods you need to assure him you love him and your there for him. This is why humility is really important. Most cheaters just say I don't have to take this kind of treatment and just further the damage they have caused. C Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 YOU find it unsettling. That doesn't mean she should. That's like a guy with a normal penis telling a guy with a large penis that he's wrong for feeling secure about his size. He should be "normal". He should worry about what the next guy has like all of the other "normal" guys. My experience may be outside of the norm, but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my experience. Doesn't mean that my experience is wrong because it's not what others experience. Doesn't mean that I'm mentally ill because I don't experience the world they way you do. This young lady is entitled to the way she feels. Whether that fits inside somebody's definition of "normal" is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. Listen...i hear what you are saying...I get it. I am not the one who came here and asked IS THIS NORMAL. She did. She must feel like the way she is feeling is NOT NORMAL. She is asking Strangers to tell her if they think it is normal or not. in my opinion...no it is not normal. She doesn't have to agree with me. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 You've come closest to even remotely understanding what I'm saying. I'll just ask, what's normal? In some cultures, people grieve when a person dies. In other cultures, people celebrate. New Orleans has a mixture of the two. Traditional funerals AND second-line parades. What's normal? What is the "right" way to feel about death? People are insisting the way they feel is "normal". Which means there must be some wrong with the way she feels. That's just not true. And some like Isis are beheading and torturing others for their cause. I guess that's normal too. I remember a class I took in philosophy which broached this subject of what is right and wrong and what may be real for one may not be for someone else. I understand this thinking exists and it sounds like you must not be bothered by much if you live in such a gray area. I feel too much and wish I didn't, I struggle a lot in life because of it. I can't even begin to wrap my head around why a person wouldn't feel guilt later for something like this (I can understand maybe not feeing guilt during the A but after witness the BS's pain (given not all BS's feel the same amount of pain). I understand what you are saying but kinda don't want to understand it because it is painful for me to accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 What she so freely and easily gave away belongs to her. Not her husband no matter what he may think or feel. What she does with it at any stage of her life is her choice. If her husband or anyone else would risk his life trying to influence that choice, he should be willing to die. Because, ultimately, what she does with it is not up to him. He's been taught the wrong thing. Y'all are trying to make this woman feel bad when she doesn't have to. Her body has always been hers. She can regret breaking her commitment to her husband ... if she wants to ... but she doesn't have to feel bad about the sex. Trying to insist that she must feel bad is an attempt to reinforce the patriarchal view of men having ownership of women. Married men owning their wives and daughters bodies. The reality is that has never been true. Even in marriage, women are autonomous. Can and will do with their bodies as they please no matter how shocking that concept is to men and brainwashed women. You are absolutely right my body is mine. We all have choices in life. You are also pointed out exactly how I feel at the moment. I feel bad for breaking the commitment between my SO and I,but at the same time I do not feel bad for having sex with OM. I know some may feel grotesque with that comment,but I'm being honest as to how I feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 You are absolutely right my body is mine. We all have choices in life. You are also pointed out exactly how I feel at the moment. I feel bad for breaking the commitment between my SO and I,but at the same time I do not feel bad for having sex with OM. I know some may feel grotesque with that comment,but I'm being honest as to how I feel. then why do you care what anyone else thinks? If you are fine feeling no guilt....then who cares what we think? The only opinions that matter...are yours and your SO...as you call him. If you are happy...and he is happy...then who cares what strangers on a forum think? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 You are absolutely right my body is mine. We all have choices in life. You are also pointed out exactly how I feel at the moment. I feel bad for breaking the commitment between my SO and I,but at the same time I do not feel bad for having sex with OM. I know some may feel grotesque with that comment,but I'm being honest as to how I feel. How do you feel about the sex with OM? Is there feeling there or is it like meh? not a big deal? I know for me when I was the MOW (I had a RA) when I had sex with my WH I would feel guilty about what I did. I thought about how wrong my A was during sex. It was pretty messed up. I'm still messed up, obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 then why do you care what anyone else thinks? If you are fine feeling no guilt....then who cares what we think? The only opinions that matter...are yours and your SO...as you call him. If you are happy...and he is happy...then who cares what strangers on a forum think? I agree with this. If there is no issue from either side with the lack of guilt and both are happy in R. There doesn't seem to be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 If you don't feel any guilt, why did you tell your spouse ??? Mr. Lucky I could have very well kept it a secret, but I didn't. It was something I felt he needed to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I could have very well kept it a secret, but I didn't. It was something I felt he needed to know. why? why did he need to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 The more this goes on MJA the more I think your right. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 You are absolutely right my body is mine. We all have choices in life. You are also pointed out exactly how I feel at the moment. I feel bad for breaking the commitment between my SO and I,but at the same time I do not feel bad for having sex with OM. I know some may feel grotesque with that comment,but I'm being honest as to how I feel. As long as you understand what I'm saying, I'm satisfied. I have some insight to how you feel because I know others who feel the same way. I respect you for being honest and true to yourself. Stay true to yourself. Don't let anyone tell you that your life has to fit their "normal". It doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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