Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 then why do you care what anyone else thinks? If you are fine feeling no guilt....then who cares what we think? The only opinions that matter...are yours and your SO...as you call him. If you are happy...and he is happy...then who cares what strangers on a forum think? Did I ever say I was fine with feeling no guilt? Haven't I said over and over it alarms me that I do not feel guilt? Did I ever say we are happy since my A? No I said he is feeling all types of emotions,but its expected. I refer to him as my SO because he is my SO. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 As long as you understand what I'm saying, I'm satisfied. I have some insight to how you feel because I know others who feel the same way. I respect you for being honest and true to yourself. Stay true to yourself. Don't let anyone tell you that your life has to fit their "normal". It doesn't. I'm all for people being true to themselves as well. As long as they deal with the consequences when doing so affects other people. Her H doesn't have to accept her infidelity as normal when that's not how she agreed for their relationship to be for the past 20 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Did I ever say I was fine with feeling no guilt? Haven't I said over and over it alarms me that I do not feel guilt? Did I ever say we are happy since my A? No I said he is feeling all types of emotions,but its expected. I refer to him as my SO because he is my SO. So...YOU think it is not NORMAL to not feel guilty...is that correct? it ALARMS you that you feel no guilt....WHY? Because you fear you are not NORMAL? now is your NORMAL definition the same as MY normal definition? Because I certainly do not want to try to make you fit inside MY definition of normal because MY definition of NORMAL is irrelevant. It is very expected that he feels all kinds of emotions. You have indicated that you are both satisfied with things progressing the way they are. You are in therapy. You are making progress....you are discussing everything both with your therapists and with your husband. By the way....in most cases calling someone your significant other...means you are not married. Most people around here discussing infidelity...refer to their SO as you call it...as their BS or WS. Your husband is your betrayed spouse...perhaps if you thought of him in those terms...you might begin to feel guilt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I cannot help but think you must have a lot of built up frustrations with you husband. Perhaps those frustrations caused you to feel justified in your actions, hence no guilt. Guilt or not, there are repercussions. The flip side of the coin if he didn't, he now has a lot of resentment towards his marriage. At this point perhaps you and your husband need to discuss why you want to stay married and what both of your fusrations are. The hard thing is to keep the frustrations and the regret/pain/grief caused by adultery separate. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Also you did not mention if you and your husband have children? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 By the way....in most cases calling someone your significant other...means you are not married. Most people around here discussing infidelity...refer to their SO as you call it...as their BS or WS. Your husband is your betrayed spouse...perhaps if you thought of him in those terms...you might begin to feel guilt. That really is a great point. Maybe she really don't consider him to be her husband. Sure in title but not in her heart. Maybe that is why her betray is not that big of a deal to her. Or in her words she doesn't feel guilt. C Link to post Share on other sites
JLeaks3 Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 As long as you understand what I'm saying, I'm satisfied. I have some insight to how you feel because I know others who feel the same way. I respect you for being honest and true to yourself. Stay true to yourself. Don't let anyone tell you that your life has to fit their "normal". It doesn't. Maybe "normal" isn't the right word. Obviously everyone is different and maybe what's "normal" to some isn't for others. The thing that I struggle with is it seems completely illogical for someone to feel guilty over a lesser offense such as flirting and no guilt whatsoever about having extramarital sex with someone else. To me, it seems totally illogical for someone to claim that they love their Husband (there, I fixed that for you) and then have no feelings of remorse at the thought of betraying them. So you say you don't think it's the "worst" thing that could happen in a marriage. Maybe not. But you still caused the person you claim to love pain. When my husband hurts, I hurt. When I hurt him, I am remorseful BECAUSE I LOVE HIM AND ONLY WANT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. "I love you, therefore I will intentionally hurt you in the most acute way possible," said no one ever. Did I ever say I was fine with feeling no guilt? Haven't I said over and over it alarms me that I do not feel guilt? Did I ever say we are happy since my A? No I said he is feeling all types of emotions,but its expected. I refer to him as my SO because he is my SO. I think you come across as cold in how you describe even how you say, "it's expected" that your husband feels all types of emotions. Like you are just some apathetic bystander. Like hmmm, that sucks. Oh well. That is what is troublesome to me. It's a seemingly lack of empathy on your part. You're just so matter-of-fact. I do believe you should be alarmed. If hurting my husband and betraying him in such a deep level as having sex with another man had no effect on me, I would be questioning my love for husband and whether or not I should even be married. Being married means that you are one with your husband. So hurting him should cause you pain. Guilt? I feel guilty when I feed my children fast food on a busy weeknight. But I don't lose sleep over it. You feel guilty about flirting. Why? Remorse is different. It implies regret. It implies SHAME. Like, I can't look at myself in the mirror because I can't believe I would do something so horrifying and so unbecoming of myself. You have none of this. So yes, I would be alarmed if hurting my husband this way would not make me not look at myself in the mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Do we know how her husband reacted when she told him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 So...YOU think it is not NORMAL to not feel guilty...is that correct? it ALARMS you that you feel no guilt....WHY? Because you fear you are not NORMAL? now is your NORMAL definition the same as MY normal definition? Because I certainly do not want to try to make you fit inside MY definition of normal because MY definition of NORMAL is irrelevant. It is very expected that he feels all kinds of emotions. You have indicated that you are both satisfied with things progressing the way they are. You are in therapy. You are making progress....you are discussing everything both with your therapists and with your husband. By the way....in most cases calling someone your significant other...means you are not married. Most people around here discussing infidelity...refer to their SO as you call it...as their BS or WS. Your husband is your betrayed spouse...perhaps if you thought of him in those terms...you might begin to feel guilt. I never said we were married,did I? Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 I never said we were married,did I? You called him your spouse on page 1. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 All you said was that you told him, you're truthful, he has access to your mail and, I know his healing will take time, and I'm prepared for that. which implies he was hurt. - What do you feel about the fact that he was hurt and has to heal? - To what degree do you feel responsible and accountable for that? It seems contradictory to me to acknowledge that he has to heal and was, therefore, hurt BY YOUR ACTIONS, and not feel accountable, i.e., guilt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 I cannot help but think you must have a lot of built up frustrations with you husband. Perhaps those frustrations caused you to feel justified in your actions, hence no guilt. Guilt or not, there are repercussions. The flip side of the coin if he didn't, he now has a lot of resentment towards his marriage. At this point perhaps you and your husband need to discuss why you want to stay married and what both of your fusrations are. The hard thing is to keep the frustrations and the regret/pain/grief caused by adultery separate. I can see why you would think I have frustrations with my SO,but I know Someone made a valid point earlier that it may be due to me being with 1 man my whole life,and I will admit the curiosity went through my mind. Never did I actually think I would act on having sex with another man,but it happen. As far as staying together,well we still love each other.I realize he will have anger and hurt towards me know,and he may very well change his mind further down the road. If that happens I caused it,and I have to live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) You called him your spouse on page 1. We are not legally married. That is our choice. Nor do we have kids,again our choice. Edited June 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) You called him your spouse on page 1. We are not legally married. That is our choice. Nor do we have kids,again our choice. I hope you can understand the confusion, though. Edited June 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Perhaps many commentators are thrown by a lack of information from you on how you are helping support your spouse emotionally or understand what he is facing when trying to heal. The lack of information does not mean you aren't aware of these issues, simply you have not comnentent on them. For example I leave an object on the ground, my spouse trips and breaks an ankle. Yes I could have been neater or more aware which is one set of issues. But also what am I doing to help her ankle heal. If she is thirsty do I say you know where the frig is why don't you get it yourself? Your lack of comments leave the impression you simply don't care at an empathic level. Note I said impression not that you don't care. For example what do you know of mind movies and triggers? How is your spouse experiencing them. You and others have mentioned it is your body, your life, your choice and this is true. But just as we are free to express our thoughts, that does not mean speaking them does not come at a cost at times. There are two realities in a relationship and just as you claim freedoms, he has a right to as well. Be well Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 I hope you can understand the confusion, though. I am clearing up the confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 You called him your spouse on page 1.[/QUOT We are not legally married. That is our choice. Nor do we have kids,again our choice. Well then...maybe that's why you don't feel guilty. You took no vows...you broke no promises. you are right...he is your SO. Good luck to you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 - What do you feel about the fact that he was hurt and has to heal? - To what degree do you feel responsible / accountable for that? ok so you answered the first question. What about the second? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I am clearing up the confusion. you cleared it up quite nicely for me thank you I think I now understand perfectly:o Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Well then...maybe that's why you don't feel guilty. You took no vows...you broke no promises. you are right...he is your SO. Good luck to you both. Vows have nothing to do with why I feel no guilt. My martial status has nothing to do with this. I was faithful to my SO for almost 21 years. That is longer than some marriages last. I've known him since I was 12 years old. Up until recently he is the only man I have ever had sex with. The only man I have ever kissed. My first and only relationship. I love him unconditionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 you cleared it up quite nicely for me thank you I think I now understand perfectly:o Glad I can do so;) Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I can see why you would think I have frustrations with my SO,but I know Someone made a valid point earlier that it may be due to me being with 1 man my whole life,and I will admit the curiosity went through my mind. Never did I actually think I would act on having sex with another man,but it happen. As far as staying together,well we still love each other.I realize he will have anger and hurt towards me know,and he may very well change his mind further down the road. If that happens I caused it,and I have to live with it. I wonder if this effects his feelings about what happened. As in, maybe he's not completely shocked that given he's been your only sexual partner, that curiosity got the best of you. Has he ever discussed it with you? Has he ever asked you if you're curious what it's like to be with someone else? I am in a similar situation - been with W for 21 years, M for 13, she was the first one I'd had intercourse with - and my W has asked me periodically throughout our R. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuLu Bee Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 I wonder if this effects his feelings about what happened. As in, maybe he's not completely shocked that given he's been your only sexual partner, that curiosity got the best of you. Has he ever discussed it with you? Has he ever asked you if you're curious what it's like to be with someone else? I am in a similar situation - been with W for 21 years, M for 13, she was the first one I'd had intercourse with - and my W has asked me periodically throughout our R. Yes,he asked me many times. When I started to become curious I brought it to his attention. As I said prior to having sex with OM my SO was the only man I had ever had sex with,kissed and my only relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Lulu..what advice are you after here? That part is very unclear.. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 ok so you answered the first question. What about the second? still wondering. Also why you don't answer this (me). Oh second question was: to what extent do you feel accountable? For his pain Link to post Share on other sites
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