I feel absolutely no guilt. Is this normal?

[LuLu Bee]

Perhaps many commentators are thrown by a lack of information from you on how you are helping support your spouse emotionally or understand what he is facing when trying to heal. The lack of information does not mean you aren't aware of these issues, simply you have not comnentent on them.

 

For example I leave an object on the ground, my spouse trips and breaks an ankle. Yes I could have been neater or more aware which is one set of issues. But also what am I doing to help her ankle heal. If she is thirsty do I say you know where the frig is why don't you get it yourself?

 

Your lack of comments leave the impression you simply don't care at an empathic level. Note I said impression not that you don't care. For example what do you know of mind movies and triggers? How is your spouse experiencing them.

 

You and others have mentioned it is your body, your life, your choice and this is true. But just as we are free to express our thoughts, that does not mean speaking them does not come at a cost at times. There are two realities in a relationship and just as you claim freedoms, he has a right to as well.

 

Be well

 

 

I realize I am not giving enough information. I will admit this is hard for me. I thought I would be able to come to a forum and open up about my indiscretions more,but I'm struggling with it. I am very private person. I tried to keep my original post short and simple as I was curious if it was normal. Honestly some have been helpful.

 

My therapist has talked to me about the triggers,and I have witness them first hand several times. We could be having a great day,and something so simple as me moving my hair to the left side,when he knows I prefer it on the right will trigger him into thinking I'm now putting it to the left because OM likes it that way.

[LuLu Bee]

ok so you answered the first question.

 

What about the second?

 

I take 100% accountability for my actions and how I've made him feel.

[Mr. Lucky]

As I said prior to having sex with OM my SO was the only man I had ever had sex with,kissed and my only relationship.

 

Are you your SO's only sexual partner? I'd guess no, otherwise your indiscretion might be more of a dealbreaker.

 

Do you suspect he's ever been unfaithful ??? I'm wondering if there's a "what's good for the goose..." aspect to this ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JLeaks3]

Not sure if this has been said, but I can't help but feel that this is a mid-life crisis of sorts. The fact that you started your relationship with your SO so young and he was the only person you've ever been with before your OM sounds a bit like s case of missed opportunities. I sense a bit of entitlement in your matter-of-fact attitude like because you had forsaken all others in the prime of what should have been your wild twenties, you deserve to pique your curiosity a bit now that you are nearing the second half of your life. You deserve to be wild and have a bit of fun.

 

A friend of mine recently got divorced. It was a classic mid-life crisis in her husband's part. They were college sweethearts. To the outside world they were a solid couple. They children were into sports. He was working full-time and she worked part-time to supplement their income. It's almost like he hit a point where he thought he'd spent all of his adult life providing for other people and now he deserves to have a bit of fun and time for himself. He took up running and yoga and started hanging out with other people with the same interests. Developed "friendships", crossed boundaries and all the while my friend just thought the disconnect in her marriage was because as she put it, "I just thought we were busy. We had soccer games and basketball games and football games and work."

 

So do you think that your lack of guilt over the sex part has anything to do with a sense that you should have been sowing your wild oats before committing so long ago and because you didn't that it somehow gives you a bit of a pass?

[LuLu Bee]

Are you your SO's only sexual partner? I'd guess no, otherwise your indiscretion might be more of a dealbreaker.

 

Do you suspect he's ever been unfaithful ??? I'm wondering if there's a "what's good for the goose..." aspect to this ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not his only sexual partner. I've know him since I was 12 years old we were always just friends until we turned 20. I was always friends with him, I'm aware of all his sexual partners he's had.

 

As far as him being unfaithful I do not know,but I've always been the type of person to say we can't ever say with 100% certainty that our loved ones are faithful.

[LuLu Bee]

Not sure if this has been said, but I can't help but feel that this is a mid-life crisis of sorts. The fact that you started your relationship with your SO so young and he was the only person you've ever been with before your OM sounds a bit like s case of missed opportunities. I sense a bit of entitlement in your matter-of-fact attitude like because you had forsaken all others in the prime of what should have been your wild twenties, you deserve to pique your curiosity a bit now that you are nearing the second half of your life. You deserve to be wild and have a bit of fun.

 

A friend of mine recently got divorced. It was a classic mid-life crisis in her husband's part. They were college sweethearts. To the outside world they were a solid couple. They children were into sports. He was working full-time and she worked part-time to supplement their income. It's almost like he hit a point where he thought he'd spent all of his adult life providing for other people and now he deserves to have a bit of fun and time for himself. He took up running and yoga and started hanging out with other people with the same interests. Developed "friendships", crossed boundaries and all the while my friend just thought the disconnect in her marriage was because as she put it, "I just thought we were busy. We had soccer games and basketball games and football games and work."

 

So do you think that your lack of guilt over the sex part has anything to do with a sense that you should have been sowing your wild oats before committing so long ago and because you didn't that it somehow gives you a bit of a pass?

 

As far as the sexual part it definitely is possible. You just now made me remember right before OM asked me for a kiss,I told him I've never kissed anyone ever other than my SO. and I said to myself its just a kiss you've never done this before,go for it.

[merrmeade]

I take 100% accountability for my actions and how I've made him feel.

okay, thank you. I think maybe you've already answered your thread question: I feel absolutely no guilt. Is this normal? The majority of the feedback would indicate, no, it is not normal. As to why you don't feel guilty, I'd say you probably have some insight into that by now and could venture some opinions, given the exchanges that have taken place in this thread.

 

I respect your ruthless honesty. From what I've read here, seems to me like the women who've cheated are like this more often than men. It can come across as heartlessness which is the reason why people react. You can't fault that; it's completely natural.

 

But my own opinion is this: First, I don't think we know enough about you to put together a complete picture that makes sense of how you feel about what you did and about your SO's reaction to it. You say you are 100% accountable but what accountable means to you vs someone else is a whole new conversation.

 

Second, if you're completely accountable to your partner, then you must separate your feelings of responsibility from the action or compartmentalize. I do not see how someone could NOT feel 'guilt' for hurting him since you did the action that caused it. I can only figure you separate or compartmentalize parts of your life.

[bigman1]

So, as I understand it, you and your SO chose not to be married. You slept with OM. You feel no guilt. You still felt bad for lying to your SO, so you came clean. You figure your SO will have some issues, and hopefully things work out, but if not, that was to be expected.

 

What I am not getting is why you are posting. From what I get, you are concerned that you don't really care that you cheated. If that is the question, I have an opinion.

 

You are used to being with your SO. You have been together for so long that not being in each others lives is really hard to fathom. As a result, both of you are going to stay. YOu don't feel guilt because its like having a two "friends with benefits". While you live with one, there is no issue with having another.

 

I don't put great significance in your 20 years. What I mean is that those 20 years don't somehow translate into a reason to be faithful. That you have been together for 20 years is great, but that sounds more like apathy. Maybe you don't want to be the one to undo 20 years, but you don't have any problem being the cause, by your own admission, of 20 years being undone.

 

I don't see a problem with your not feeling guilt. Based on what you wrote about your relationship, how you wrote about it, how you wrote about your SO's feeling post disclosure, and how you wrote about your feelings if that relationship ended ended, it really sounds like you are just really good FWB's. You tried to take it to the next level, but in the end, you never made that transition.

[merrmeade]

I think you didn't give enough information in the beginning. It's pretty clear now. You said 4-5 different ways that you don't see infidelity as a deal-breaker:

- it's not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship,

- you don't have a problem with open relationships (but you're not interested),

- you would stay if he did it to you, etc.

This says it well:

.

What I am not getting is why you are posting. From what I get, you are concerned that you don't really care that you cheated. If that is the question, I have an opinion.

 

You are used to being with your SO. You have been together for so long that not being in each others lives is really hard to fathom. As a result, both of you are going to stay. YOu don't feel guilt because its like having a two "friends with benefits". While you live with one, there is no issue with having another.

 

I don't put great significance in your 20 years. What I mean is that those 20 years don't somehow translate into a reason to be faithful. That you have been together for 20 years is great, but that sounds more like apathy. Maybe you don't want to be the one to undo 20 years, but you don't have any problem being the cause, by your own admission, of 20 years being undone.

 

I don't see a problem with your not feeling guilt. Based on what you wrote about your relationship, how you wrote about it, how you wrote about your SO's feeling post disclosure, and how you wrote about your feelings if that relationship ended ended, it really sounds like you are just really good FWB's. You tried to take it to the next level, but in the end, you never made that transition.

Add the fact that you still feel attracted to OM.

I will be honest I'm trying very hard not cheat on him again with OM. I have never been tempted to cheat,and wasn't looking for an affair. It wasn't the fact that he's a lot younger,I'm use to younger guys hitting on me. As I said it's very hard for me to resist him as I've never wanted someone so much in my life. He knows its hard for both of us,and he's actually leaving the company in 1 week.

[LuLu Bee]

So, as I understand it, you and your SO chose not to be married. You slept with OM. You feel no guilt. You still felt bad for lying to your SO, so you came clean. You figure your SO will have some issues, and hopefully things work out, but if not, that was to be expected.

 

What I am not getting is why you are posting. From what I get, you are concerned that you don't really care that you cheated. If that is the question, I have an opinion.

 

You are used to being with your SO. You have been together for so long that not being in each others lives is really hard to fathom. As a result, both of you are going to stay. YOu don't feel guilt because its like having a two "friends with benefits". While you live with one, there is no issue with having another.

 

I don't put great significance in your 20 years. What I mean is that those 20 years don't somehow translate into a reason to be faithful. That you have been together for 20 years is great, but that sounds more like apathy. Maybe you don't want to be the one to undo 20 years, but you don't have any problem being the cause, by your own admission, of 20 years being undone.

 

I don't see a problem with your not feeling guilt. Based on what you wrote about your relationship, how you wrote about it, how you wrote about your SO's feeling post disclosure, and how you wrote about your feelings if that relationship ended ended, it really sounds like you are just really good FWB's. You tried to take it to the next level, but in the end, you never made that transition.

 

Not at all friends with benefits. We are together because we love each other.As I have said I love him unconditionally. He makes me happy. We never had the perfect relationship,as that does not exist, but we have a great relationship. I don't want our relationship to end. What is your definition of the next level? We are just as much married as any other married couple, only we don't have a paper to prove so. We love each other,live together,both our names on the 3 homes we own, both our names on our savings and checking accounts. Only we are not legally married by choice.

We do not have kids,so our reasons for being together aren't for the sake of the kids.

We are not together for financial reasons as he and I both will be financially fine on our own.

We are together simply because we love each other,and we are working on our relationship,because that is what we want to do.

[LuLu Bee]

I think you didn't give enough information in the beginning. It's pretty clear now. You said 4-5 different ways that you don't see infidelity as a deal-breaker:

- it's not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship,

- you don't have a problem with open relationships (but you're not interested),

- you would stay if he did it to you, etc.

This says it well:

. Add the fact that you still feel attracted to OM.

 

If someone chooses to be in a open relationship,that is their choice. I do not want an open relationship for myself.

 

Yes, if he cheated I would stay with him. Why? Because I love him,and it's worth it to me to try and work it out,and I will try my best to do so.

 

Yes, I do not deny being attracted to OM, I am very much so,but as I said numerous times I am trying very hard to not to do it again with him.

[LifesontheUp]

Again,I felt guilty for hurting him,lying to him,but I do not feel guilty for having sex with OM.

 

But the hurt you caused him is because you had sex with OM. I'm lost because if you are genuinely sorry for hurting him then surely it follows you are sorry for the act that caused that pain and hurt in the first place.

 

Just wondering if you have discussed what happens if you get curious or want to have sex with someone else in the future? Or do you believe thats it and if so how you know thats true?

[merrmeade]

If someone chooses to be in a open relationship,that is their choice. I do not want an open relationship for myself.

 

Yes, if he cheated I would stay with him. Why? Because I love him,and it's worth it to me to try and work it out,and I will try my best to do so.

 

Yes, I do not deny being attracted to OM, I am very much so,but as I said numerous times I am trying very hard to not to do it again with him.

Not arguing or judging any of these things. To explain again: I realize now that you are giving information as facts - no value judgments except as a point of discussion regarding your own beliefs. I was trying to (a) answer your question (normal, not normal?) and then (b) suggest possible reasons why.

 

One reason seemed obvious to me. That is, that your opposition to infidelity, not being very strong (which was unclear in the beginning), your guilt would be proportionately less as well. That observation seems consistent and unsurprising (though not normal) to me, given your beliefs. Very few people concurred; therefore, I'd say, no, your response doesn't seem 'normal.'

 

My last post added another possible explanation besides your pre-existing attitude toward infidelity and the persisting attraction to OM as explanations for the lack of guilt. The two factors explain the lack of guilt quite coherently to me.

 

I was also suggesting that to me it makes perfect sense if you add in your continuing attraction to OM. It makes sense to me because your attraction/desire/etc. is so strong and takes precedence over possible feelings of guilt/regret/etc. or obligation toward your SO when you think about having sex with him. Also you'd built up so much sexual tension between you for so long, it would have felt like relief when you finally succumbed. God, you probably remember it with a smile and a purr.

 

I imagine everyone feels that way about enjoyable sex. I remember getting pregnant when I was 19. Sure regretted that pregnancy. Sure enjoyed conceiving it. I think it's logical

[LuLu Bee]

 

I was also suggesting that to me it makes perfect sense if you add in your continuing attraction to OM. It makes sense to me because your attraction/desire/etc. is so strong and takes precedence over possible feelings of guilt/regret/etc. or obligation toward your SO

 

I never thought of this until you pointed it out. It is very possible,and worth bringing up to IC.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[elaine567]

But the hurt you caused him is because you had sex with OM. I'm lost because if you are genuinely sorry for hurting him then surely it follows you are sorry for the act that caused that pain and hurt in the first place.

 

Its called compartmentalisation.

Hurting the husband is in one box and having sex with the OM is in another.

Of course she doesn't like hurting her husband, but there is no guilt or remorse for what she did with the OM as it is a completely separate issue in her mind.

[bigman1]

Not at all friends with benefits. We are together because we love each other.As I have said I love him unconditionally. He makes me happy. We never had the perfect relationship,as that does not exist, but we have a great relationship. I don't want our relationship to end. What is your definition of the next level? ...

 

We are together simply because we love each other,and we are working on our relationship,because that is what we want to do.

 

My response does require some nitpicking. First, in the first paragraph it pretty much is all about you. In the second quoted paragraph, you claim that "we are working on our relationship." From what you have posted, I can't say that it sounds like it.

 

As far as the next level, I did not suggest that it was marriage. Albeit, and not to start a new debate, but Marriage is different and is more than a piece of paper. Gays fought hard and just got that right. Surely is was for more than a piece of paper. A car title is a piece of paper that has a tremendous amount of significance, but is not as significant as a marriage certificate. That your finances are intertwined significantly does not change the fact that marriage is different. After all, it was you that pointed out that you were not married in your original post. Thus, it is a different level of commitment and legal significance. Still, that is NOT what I meant by the next level.

 

What I meant is that it is still about YOU. The next level is when love becomes action and not an emotion. I love what I do for a living, but I would give it up in a second if it jeopardized my marriage, because I love my wife. I care what she thinks, I care about her feelings not because of how it will affect me, but because of how it will affect her. Love is action. I do not set my self as the standard, I was just using my own life as an example.

 

You cheated. You can't resist or could not resist this other guy. You hurt your SO, but in the tone of the words that YOU used, so be it. You basically have said that hopefully, he gets over it, but if not, my bad. That is not love in action. And THAT is why I say that you are just "good friends with benefits". You are friends, you have deep affection for each other, heck, even love each other, but... The "love as an action" that separates friends from spouses or long term "SO's" is not present in your relationship on your end, at least. Still, I imagine as long as it works for YOU, then all is good.

 

It is really understandable that you don't feel guilty. Don't take what I say as a denigration of your relationship. He is in there with you. By staying, perhaps he has shown that he loves you, where love is an action. If he is willing to stay, and your OM is willing to play, it seems that everything is fine for YOU. I really do not mean any of this as a negative judgment. Instead, it is an observation after reading your words.

[LuLu Bee]

My response does require some nitpicking. First, in the first paragraph it pretty much is all about you. In the second quoted paragraph, you claim that "we are working on our relationship." From what you have posted, I can't say that it sounds like it.

 

As far as the next level, I did not suggest that it was marriage. Albeit, and not to start a new debate, but Marriage is different and is more than a piece of paper. Gays fought hard and just got that right. Surely is was for more than a piece of paper. A car title is a piece of paper that has a tremendous amount of significance, but is not as significant as a marriage certificate. That your finances are intertwined significantly does not change the fact that marriage is different. After all, it was you that pointed out that you were not married in your original post. Thus, it is a different level of commitment and legal significance. Still, that is NOT what I meant by the next level.

 

What I meant is that it is still about YOU. The next level is when love becomes action and not an emotion. I love what I do for a living, but I would give it up in a second if it jeopardized my marriage, because I love my wife. I care what she thinks, I care about her feelings not because of how it will affect me, but because of how it will affect her. Love is action. I do not set my self as the standard, I was just using my own life as an example.

 

You cheated. You can't resist or could not resist this other guy. You hurt your SO, but in the tone of the words that YOU used, so be it. You basically have said that hopefully, he gets over it, but if not, my bad. That is not love in action. And THAT is why I say that you are just "good friends with benefits". You are friends, you have deep affection for each other, heck, even love each other, but... The "love as an action" that separates friends from spouses or long term "SO's" is not present in your relationship on your end, at least. Still, I imagine as long as it works for YOU, then all is good.

 

It is really understandable that you don't feel guilty. Don't take what I say as a denigration of your relationship. He is in there with you. By staying, perhaps he has shown that he loves you, where love is an action. If he is willing to stay, and your OM is willing to play, it seems that everything is fine for YOU. I really do not mean any of this as a negative judgment. Instead, it is an observation after reading your words.

 

Just because we are not married and I cheated does not make us friends with benefits. You say I lack remorse,and you can say and think what you want. You do not know me on a personal level. You do not know how we are dealing with my infidelity. Just because I do not go into detail of all the emotions that we are going through does not mean we are not going through it.

So should I assume that everyone who cheats should be considered friends with benefits towards their spouse?

Only difference between them and I,is we are not married and they are. Still we are both cheaters.So, hey lets call them friends with benefits as well.

You are only saying this because I am not legally married,but just as I said I'm just as married as everyone else here.

[JLeaks3]

Just because we are not married and I cheated does not make us friends with benefits. You say I lack remorse,and you can say and think what you want. You do not know me on a personal level. You do not know how we are dealing with my infidelity. Just because I do not go into detail of all the emotions that we are going through does not mean we are not going through it.

So should I assume that everyone who cheats should be considered friends with benefits towards their spouse?

Only difference between them and I,is we are not married and they are. Still we are both cheaters.So, hey lets call them friends with benefits as well.

You are only saying this because I am not legally married,but just as I said I'm just as married as everyone else here.

 

We didn't say it. You did. I'm sorry, but everyone has asked you what you're looking for here. You have yet to really answer. You have been awfully defensive. So you don't like the idea that strangers on the internet brand your 20 year relationship as FWB. Why? Do you feel it's disrespectful to dismiss it so easily when to you it means so much more to you? So much that you yourself disrespected it and dismissed it by having sex with anoner man - about which you proceed to unabashedly claim no guilt over. The fact is, your stated lack of guilt makes it easy for other to dismiss your relationship as something that is very much less than a marriage. It is reflective of your own attitude.

 

Frankly, I'm glad it offends you to have someone relegating your relationship as mere FWB. It means that you do hold somewhat of value to your relationship. But the fact remains, you broke a covenant. Maybe not a vow, but something still very much sacred and dear to someone that you claim to love. So again, your words are not logical. You say it makes you feel guilty to have hurt your SO. Having sex with another man has hurt your SO. But you don't feel guilty about having sex with another man. Until you can reconcile the fact that hurting your SO and having sex with another man are one and the same then I doubt you will ever reach a point of true remorse.

[LuLu Bee]

We didn't say it. You did. I'm sorry, but everyone has asked you what you're looking for here. You have yet to really answer. You have been awfully defensive. So you don't like the idea that strangers on the internet brand your 20 year relationship as FWB. Why? Do you feel it's disrespectful to dismiss it so easily when to you it means so much more to you? So much that you yourself disrespected it and dismissed it by having sex with anoner man - about which you proceed to unabashedly claim no guilt over. The fact is, your stated lack of guilt makes it easy for other to dismiss your relationship as something that is very much less than a marriage. It is reflective of your own attitude.

 

Frankly, I'm glad it offends you to have someone relegating your relationship as mere FWB. It means that you do hold somewhat of value to your relationship. But the fact remains, you broke a covenant. Maybe not a vow, but something still very much sacred and dear to someone that you claim to love. So again, your words are not logical. You say it makes you feel guilty to have hurt your SO. Having sex with another man has hurt your SO. But you don't feel guilty about having sex with another man. Until you can reconcile the fact that hurting your SO and having sex with another man are one and the same then I doubt you will ever reach a point of true remorse.

 

My original post states why I'm here. I asked a question.

At times I am defensive,but that makes me no different from the majority of people here.

Again,if I was married and cheated and still felt no guilt about having sex with OM, FWB saying would have never came up.

[bigman1]

Based on your last two posts, it appears that you are actually looking to deliberately misconstrue what I very clearly stated so that you can take some offense, real or feigned.

 

In fact, I actually put long term SO and spouse on the same level in my last post. The phrase "fwb's" comes, NOT because you are not married. NOT AT ALL. If you were married and written everything that you have thus far, I would have still used that phrase.

 

Your focus on FWB shows that you are NOT reading what is written, just as your responses or lack thereof to other posters' questions. Do not stir up needless conflict where there is none. Heck, if I wanted to compare cohabitation with FWB's I would come out and say it. This is the internet, I don't have to be polite or hide behind artfully crafted insults. TO BE CLEAR, MY FWB COMMENT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH COHABITATION, NOT BEING MARRIED, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT....AT ALL!

 

My comment about FWB's had to do with the level of commitment shown by you in relation to your cheating. Your attitude was that of someone who was in a FWB relationship. Let me summarize your posts: "I cheated. It was great. I don't feel guilt....why not? Answer: Because you are acting like, emote like, and treat him like you are FWB's. As to your issues about this so called suffering, well that contradicts your initial post and pretty much every post you have made on this thread.

 

Hope that clears it up for you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

in other words...your question has been answered every way that it can be.

 

You don't feel guilty for screwing another man...is that normal?

 

Well...i guess it depends on what normal is to you.

 

I hope the answers provided have been satisfactory.

 

We are glad you are in therapy...and we hope you both continue healing.

 

We all wish you well.

[LuLu Bee]

Based on your last two posts, it appears that you are actually looking to deliberately misconstrue what I very clearly stated so that you can take some offense, real or feigned.

 

In fact, I actually put long term SO and spouse on the same level in my last post. The phrase "fwb's" comes, NOT because you are not married. NOT AT ALL. If you were married and written everything that you have thus far, I would have still used that phrase.

 

Your focus on FWB shows that you are NOT reading what is written, just as your responses or lack thereof to other posters' questions. Do not stir up needless conflict where there is none. Heck, if I wanted to compare cohabitation with FWB's I would come out and say it. This is the internet, I don't have to be polite or hide behind artfully crafted insults. TO BE CLEAR, MY FWB COMMENT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH COHABITATION, NOT BEING MARRIED, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT....AT ALL!

 

My comment about FWB's had to do with the level of commitment shown by you in relation to your cheating. Your attitude was that of someone who was in a FWB relationship. Let me summarize your posts: "I cheated. It was great. I don't feel guilt....why not? Answer: Because you are acting like, emote like, and treat him like you are FWB's. As to your issues about this so called suffering, well that contradicts your initial post and pretty much every post you have made on this thread.

 

Hope that clears it up for you.

 

I am who I am. I do not lose sleep over night with your disapproval of my choices. We are all different in our own way,thats what makes us all unique.

I came here asking a question.Most of you did not like my answers,but at least I can say I was honest. My norm,isn't your norm. I would never tell a BS HEY WHY NOT HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WS,YOU KNOW SINCE YOUR BASICALLY IN ONE DUE TO THE FACT WS KEEPS CHEATING ON YOU. I would never say YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN CHEATED ON NUMEROUS TIMES AND YOU STAY,GUESS YOU DESERVE IT SINCE YOU HAVE NO BACKBONE AND ALL.

And as for the other cheaters such as myself I would never tell them HEY YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH, YOU GOT SPLIT PERSONALITIES,YOU'RE COLD. YOUR SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON,YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR SPOUSE,YOU'RE INCAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. YOUR RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. We are coming here for advice and our lives and beliefs are all different,that doesn't make is wrong or right.

Truth is I find it hard to believe some of you are adults as you have the mentality of a middle school age bully. You did not like how I came across,even after time and time again I said how I feel bad for hurting my SO. Some of you want to only focus on certain things and nit pick it. That is very sad. Are you actually capable of giving constructive advice without you assuming and being so negative?

Obviously I knew that me feeling no guilt is not a good thing,which is why I wanted to know if it was normal.WHY? because I'm working on myself and in order to further help my SO,I need to further help myself. But that simple question,wasn't enough for most of you,you wanted to dig and assume and let your mind run wild.

Go ahead, give it your best shot!

[LuLu Bee]

in other words...your question has been answered every way that it can be.

 

You don't feel guilty for screwing another man...is that normal?

 

Well...i guess it depends on what normal is to you.

 

I hope the answers provided have been satisfactory.

 

We are glad you are in therapy...and we hope you both continue healing.

 

We all wish you well.

 

That is correct,like you I felt no guilt.

One day I'm hoping I can change that.

Thanks for your well wishes.

[understand50]

LuLu Bee,

 

I can see why you feel beat up a bit from this thread. I do think on the whole this was good for you. I wanted to put in that your relationship, is just as valuable as any other here, and your commitment to each other is real, and should not be looked down on. Having said that, myself questions how you could do this to your SO.

 

I posted in the past here, that, maybe not feeling guilty right off the bat, may be what is normal, but guilt grows, and I think it may for you. You defense of you relationship, does you credit, and with that defense, it shows that while you may not "feel" guilty now, you may later.

 

Remember, your SO, may have issues. Should have issues. Work to relieve him of any pain he may have. Reconciliation, should be your, goal, make sure he is being taken care of, in the full sense of the word, and you will do well. Remorse should follow. I am on the "try" to reconcile group, so I am glad that both your SO and yourself, feel this is not worth breaking up. Also telling your SO everything, and breaking up with your AP is to be commended. So far you are doing the right things. Keep up the work, and your question of why do not feel guilt about sleeping with the AP will come out for you later. When it does, your answer will be for you and only you, as only you will know your mind.

 

As always, I wish you luck.......

[66Charger]

Time will answer who is wrong and who is right, who is a bully and who is a fool. Who will rise and who will shatter in a million peices.

Edited June 10, 2016 by 66Charger