Best friend, final straw?

[KittyKat67]

Loveshack community has been a god sent. I am wriitng hopefull for the last time about this so called "friend"

 

Basically my dog died and she was not around to support me emotionally as my other friends who were not as close were there for me.

 

she has done this before when I got diagnosed and needed support...and other times when it called for her to tune into me.

 

Long story short, I texted her today to let her know that I am not ignoring her but dealing with the loss of my pet of 15 years and its soul crushing. I told her I get she doesn't get the depth of the grief as she isn't a dog person. I told her that I am focusing my energies on the people around me that are there fo rme now because that is who is showing me the support I need. She then texted me told me I was a head case, told me that was a jab and said she doesn't want to talk for awhile, I told her that was fine and said bye and she said "buhhh bye". Now the reason this time I feel I am done is...we are well above the age of fighting like teenagers. Buhhhh bye, is passive aggressive and childish. Also the fact she wrote me and said she knows me better than I think, then still offered NO condolences or anything about my dog...shows me I am done. Yes some have said not everyone is there for you in your dogs grief, but we have a sisterhood, it was deeper than a friendship and I would have been there at any time any place to have her back.

 

We had been friends for 10 years, didn't talk for a few after that then reconnected. She has alot of drama and sadness to her vibration now and I get that, but darn it, my dog died and she knew how close we were. And she kept talking about our sisterhood. Where is the sisterhood when I needed her?

 

Loveshack, is it possible that some people can't be there for you, so you should just accept it and be friends? What if you have such a deep connection and history that you were there for her in times and listened and was emotionally open to help her through her times and she is not around for yours? I feel the 10 year connection dissove in about 20 seconds when I saw she could not be there for my dog issue. And its not just the dog issue, its my grief. My dad and mom are also on borrowed time. Its friends that help you throgh the times, the dark times. Me and her talked every day like 3 times, I feel it was a waste of time for me now. Am I being rational? When she wanted someone to listen to her ramble about her life I did and gave her support. That is why I want nothing to do with her anymore,.

[whichwayisup]

Loveshack community has been a god sent. I am wriitng hopefull for the last time about this so called "friend"

 

Basically my dog died and she was not around to support me emotionally as my other friends who were not as close were there for me.

 

she has done this before when I got diagnosed and needed support...and other times when it called for her to tune into me.

 

Then she isn't the type of friend you can rely on during tough times or when you're down and out, feeling vulnerable.

Long story short, I texted her today to let her know that I am not ignoring her but dealing with the loss of my pet of 15 years and its soul crushing. I told her I get she doesn't get the depth of the grief as she isn't a dog person. I told her that I am focusing my energies on the people around me that are there fo rme now because that is who is showing me the support I need. She then texted me told me I was a head case, told me that was a jab and said she doesn't want to talk for awhile, I told her that was fine and said bye and she said "buhhh bye".

 

If any of my friends said that to me, treated me with such little respect I'd end the friendship and walk away. You don't deserve her bitchiness! She's rude and actually cruel too. End it with her and just know that YOU will be fine without her in your life. Doesn't matter how long you've been friends and have that history, she's not a nice person.

[CC12]

Long story short, I texted her today to let her know that I am not ignoring her but dealing with the loss of my pet of 15 years and its soul crushing. I told her I get she doesn't get the depth of the grief as she isn't a dog person. I told her that I am focusing my energies on the people around me that are there fo rme now because that is who is showing me the support I need.

 

I understand why you were upset, but I think you handled this pretty poorly. I guess if she had asked you why you were being distant or something, and this was your answer, that would be one thing, but it seems as though you initiated this conversation, and that this was probably the first time you had communicated any of this to her. You come off a bit antagonistic. You kind of did make jabs at her when you said she doesn't get it and that you'd rather be around people who are better than her at understanding. She was probably hurt by it and that's why she lashed out at you, not that her reaction was stellar by any means. She acted like an *******.

 

But how do you think she would have reacted if you had been transparent and said to her, "Hey I'm devastated that my dog died and I could really use a friend right now. Can you come over?" If she had blown you off then she'd be a cold-hearted ass and you'd be right to not be friends with her anymore.

 

Loveshack, is it possible that some people can't be there for you, so you should just accept it and be friends?

 

Yes, it's possible. You can accept it if you want to, if not, that's okay too. But you have to remember that you can't expect people to read your mind and automatically do what you need them to do. Part of maintaining a friendship is communicating what you want and giving them the chance to be there for you, and not remaining silent then getting upset when they fail.

 

What if you have such a deep connection and history that you were there for her in times and listened and was emotionally open to help her through her times and she is not around for yours?

 

"Being there" for someone is kind of like a gift. Like a birthday gift. You give it out of the goodness of your heart, with no expectation of getting anything in return. If you have a friend that doesn't do "gifts," you either accept it and adjust your expectations and stop giving gifts, or you continue to do it out of the goodness of your heart. But you can never expect someone else to behave the way you want them to, especially if you don't spell it out for them.

[KittyKat67]

I understand why you were upset, but I think you handled this pretty poorly. I guess if she had asked you why you were being distant or something, and this was your answer, that would be one thing, but it seems as though you initiated this conversation, and that this was probably the first time you had communicated any of this to her. You come off a bit antagonistic. You kind of did make jabs at her when you said she doesn't get it and that you'd rather be around people who are better than her at understanding. She was probably hurt by it and that's why she lashed out at you, not that her reaction was stellar by any means. She acted like an *******.

 

But how do you think she would have reacted if you had been transparent and said to her, "Hey I'm devastated that my dog died and I could really use a friend right now. Can you come over?" If she had blown you off then she'd be a cold-hearted ass and you'd be right to not be friends with her anymore.

 

 

 

Yes, it's possible. You can accept it if you want to, if not, that's okay too. But you have to remember that you can't expect people to read your mind and automatically do what you need them to do. Part of maintaining a friendship is communicating what you want and giving them the chance to be there for you, and not remaining silent then getting upset when they fail.

 

 

 

"Being there" for someone is kind of like a gift. Like a birthday gift. You give it out of the goodness of your heart, with no expectation of getting anything in return. If you have a friend that doesn't do "gifts," you either accept it and adjust your expectations and stop giving gifts, or you continue to do it out of the goodness of your heart. But you can never expect someone else to behave the way you want them to, especially if you don't spell it out for them.

 

 

Me and this friend use to ride so tight we were thelma and louise back in the day. So at this point in my life we have so much history, maybve there are some expectations. This is a very deeply connected sisterhood that we shared so I am baffled and awakened to the truth that when I look back, she never really was supportive. she likes to have fun and is fun to hang out with, but at this point in my life, I want people who want to bond and wil be there for eachother. That is how I am, can't expect others ot be like me but I do know what kind of friend I am, and what I want. You are either all the way in or out. I'm still just dissapointed that she couldn't be there for me. She knew how upset I was, she even told me. This is someone who also I told her about how she never remembers my birthday so she said oh kay, I will remember tomarrow and call you. she waitied till 11:45 at night to call me. Honestly I am really through. I may sound like a needy emotionally needy friend. I am the type of friend you can count on, and if I don't know anything, I know for sure that its required of future friends to be as reciprical I am or I will have to keep it moving.

[KittyKat67]

*******.

 

But how do you think she would have reacted if you had been transparent and said to her, "Hey I'm devastated that my dog died and I could really use a friend right now. Can you come over?" If she had blown you off then she'd be a cold-hearted ass and you'd be right to not be friends with her anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the past, I have called upon her and she was "too busy" "can't talk now"....she has done this a few times honestly I didn't want to get let down by telling her that. She knows how upset I was, she just wans't putting herself out there to console me that is the bottom line.

 

 

I was diagnosed with heart disease last year. I called her upset from the hospital and she was frying fish for a fish fry with her kids and said she was too busy frying fish. We got in a huge fight about that and to this day she thinks that I was being a hypochondriac for being scared about the heart issue and offered me ZERO comfort. That and a few other times is what is compounding this issue and can't believe someome I have known like a sister for 30 years can't explain to me why she goes silent when I need her for emotional support.

Edited June 6, 2016 by KittyKat67

[privategal]

I do really feel for you.

As time and life take over her priorities with kids and life and family have changed her.

While it hurts and you cant imagine not being friends, and you hold on deeply to all those fun memories and cherish them...she is just sadly in a different place.

As a Mom Im guessing when a pet dies, a skinned knee happens, theres a death...her job is to rally the kids, minimize pain, get everyone happy and comfortable again quickly...

She cant be emotionally there as you need when shes just in another realm and life now.

 

Im sorry, I know you needed her and loved her, I know you miss the good times.

I know you wish she had said please lets talk and fix the friendship.

Its not on her radar and it hurts.

Im so sorry you are losing a friend, the pain is very deep but it does get better.

 

Down the road maybe as time heals a bit you can work on forgiving and letting go for you, not for her. Maybe once the pain and emotion die down months later you can even find some empathy for her side.

It doesnt matter the right and wrong, it matters that life takes over and many feiendships fail or fade or change and its one of the saddest things but there isnt anyone who hasnt been through it so you arent alone.

Again, I am really sorry this happened.

[preraph]

Your friend is a jerk. You really need to get that cold piece of crap out of your life.

[anika99]

I agree with privategal. It doesn't sound like you and your friend are at the same place in life and you are constantly feeling short changed.

 

I had a look through your prior threads and pieced together that while you first became friends with this person many years ago, there was a long falling out where you two didn't speak for about 10 yrs and then reconnected a couple of years ago and for the last year you have been finding fault with her.

 

You mentioned in another thread that she is a single mom to four children. I love my dog like you love yours and when he passes I know I will be a basket case and I feel so sad for you that you are going through this loss. However I also remember being a working single mom to 2 children and it was really stressful and emotionally draining. Between meeting the needs of my kids and my job, being poor and stressed out every day, I really didn't have much leftover to give to others. I'm afraid I probably didn't have as much patience and understanding for others as I maybe should have but I forgive myself because I was handling my own problems the best I could.

 

It sounds like in reconnecting with this friend you were hoping to recapture the same friendship you had with her many years ago but life has moved on from that time and you and your friend are no longer in the same spot in life. Your feelings are not wrong and you shouldn't ignore them. By reading all the threads you have started about this friend over the past year she is clearly not going to be able to meet your expectations. Maybe it is time to let the friendship go and cherish the memories.

[KittyKat67]

I agree with privategal. It doesn't sound like you and your friend are at the same place in life and you are constantly feeling short changed.

 

I had a look through your prior threads and pieced together that while you first became friends with this person many years ago, there was a long falling out where you two didn't speak for about 10 yrs and then reconnected a couple of years ago and for the last year you have been finding fault with her.

 

You mentioned in another thread that she is a single mom to four children. I love my dog like you love yours and when he passes I know I will be a basket case and I feel so sad for you that you are going through this loss. However I also remember being a working single mom to 2 children and it was really stressful and emotionally draining. Between meeting the needs of my kids and my job, being poor and stressed out every day, I really didn't have much leftover to give to others. I'm afraid I probably didn't have as much patience and understanding for others as I maybe should have but I forgive myself because I was handling my own problems the best I could.

 

It sounds like in reconnecting with this friend you were hoping to recapture the same friendship you had with her many years ago but life has moved on from that time and you and your friend are no longer in the same spot in life. Your feelings are not wrong and you shouldn't ignore them. By reading all the threads you have started about this friend over the past year she is clearly not going to be able to meet your expectations. Maybe it is time to let the friendship go and cherish the memories.

]

I think what you are saying, is correct and has given me new perspective. I think what you are saying is correct. I wanted to ask you if you don't mind, why you think she waitied till 11:45 at night to call me for my birthday. She told me b days are not important to her but I told her was for me. I get everything you are saying, but this behavior is just straight weird. Just wondering your take, but thanks so much it made sense now.

[privategal]

]

I think what you are saying, is correct and has given me new perspective. I think what you are saying is correct. I wanted to ask you if you don't mind, why you think she waitied till 11:45 at night to call me for my birthday. She told me b days are not important to her but I told her was for me. I get everything you are saying, but this behavior is just straight weird. Just wondering your take, but thanks so much it made sense now.

 

She simply was tied up and forgot and said "oh shoot, let me message her, its still her b-day"

People are built different. Life is so crazy, busy...its hard not to be selfish when were all just trying to get by. I moved away a few years back and a best friend who was a new parent ended the friendship. Life just got too much and came between us and though I was alone in a new city and needed my friend more than ever, their life had new challenges and respinsibilities and we couldnt keep up the calls, would never see eachother, it was just fading and causing conflict and in the end we just pulled the plug cause neither were going to be happy...our younger years and free time and some arguments and hurt feelings just diminished a once more caeefree relationship.

It hurts and its ok if you want to hold grudges but she just simply cant be the friend you need and its really hurtful and sad yes but best to just let her go.

I hope you find a new friend or two.

[preraph]

I get how busy mothers are, but it's absolutely no excuse to be an unsympathetic jerk. No matter how much time you don't have you can take a moment to write a "I'm so sorry you lost your dog" text. If she can't even do that bare minimum to empathize with a friend, she is not worth having.

[privategal]

No use analyzing peoples agenda, right/wrong/should have/ Could have.

The friendship isnt working and its bigger than just the remorse over her dogs passing.

Whenthe friend replied "you are a head case" this leads meto believe theres a bigger story here than just OP's side.

Also OP told her "Im not ignoring you..." this means perhaps she was reaching out but perhaps it wasnt in the way OP hoped or with the correct words or level of sympathy.

Either way the point is both seem to be in different paths and it seems beyond repair so small details wont matter.

Big picture the friendship had run its course.

[anika99]

I get how busy mothers are, but it's absolutely no excuse to be an unsympathetic jerk. No matter how much time you don't have you can take a moment to write a "I'm so sorry you lost your dog" text. If she can't even do that bare minimum to empathize with a friend, she is not worth having.

 

Actually the friend did do that (it's in another thread by the OP on general board), she messaged the OP and she had a phone call with the OP where she was supportive and listened. It's just that after that she didn't continue to reach out to offer support and the OP felt that she should have. OP you mentioned that another friend of yours skyped with you for 10 hours when your dog died. It sounds like that person's idea of friendship is more in line with your idea of friendship. Maybe you should spend more time fostering that friendship since you seem to be more alike.

 

I don't think your bestie is a bad person I just don't think she views friendship the same as you do. Personally I tend to be very independent and I would have been okay with a friend just sending me 1 text message and having 1 phone call with me about my dog. After that I would figure it's up to me to tell that friend if I need more attention.

[Offspring]

I've been through something similiar with two needers and bleeders who i mistook for friends. Both of them gratefully took my energy when i offered it during their self-inflicted, drama ridden down periods, one of which was caused by her own doing... and when i needed someone, neither of them showed any true support.

 

Your friend sounds selfish and self absorbed and i think you know deep down underneath she is not a real friend to you. Don't let 'history' be a reason to hang on and cop substandard treatment. New friends are okay to make. Set your standards high and move on to greener pastures with your own energy intact.

 

Sorry to hear about your dog. Loss is hard..

Edited June 7, 2016 by Offspring

[KittyKat67]

Actually the friend did do that (it's in another thread by the OP on general board), she messaged the OP and she had a phone call with the OP where she was supportive and listened.

 

This friend wil listen for a moment but won't really be there in the depths that I need her. I think the reason I feel "entitled" which isn't good either, is that I have listened to her ramble about all her drama day in and day out let her overtalk me, talk for 90% of the time about her..then when I talk about me she usually has to go.

 

I just think the friendship has run its course. I wish her well, wish we could still be friends, but we fight and say things that are not respectful and I'm just done.

[KittyKat67]

I've been through something similiar with two needers and bleeders who i mistook for friends. Both of them gratefully took my energy when i offered it during their self-inflicted, drama ridden down periods, one of which was caused by her own doing... and when i needed someone, neither of them showed any true support.

 

Your friend sounds selfish and self absorbed and i think you know deep down underneath she is not a real friend to you. Don't let 'history' be a reason to hang on and cop substandard treatment. New friends are okay to make. Set your standards high and move on to greener pastures with your own energy intact.

 

Sorry to hear about your dog. Loss is hard..

 

She told me last week that she was one to never really be there for friends. Yes you are right, you were spot on and I"m not going to second guess anymore myself. Just listening once for 10 min when I"m in a crisis and then not really talking to me about the issue is no support in my book. She was not just a friend either, I have other friends that I woujld not put this type of expectations but I was there for her when she had issues with her inlaw, boyfriends, all the drama I listened, not just once many many many times. I'm over it really. These boards really help with perspective..!!

[preraph]

This friend wil listen for a moment but won't really be there in the depths that I need her. I think the reason I feel "entitled" which isn't good either, is that I have listened to her ramble about all her drama day in and day out let her overtalk me, talk for 90% of the time about her..then when I talk about me she usually has to go.

 

I just think the friendship has run its course. I wish her well, wish we could still be friends, but we fight and say things that are not respectful and I'm just done.

 

She may be very selfish or narcissistic. But see, there again, when it's HER problem, having a bunch of kids to watch doesn't stop her from taking plenty of time to air her problems, but she's too selfish to return the attention.

[Offspring]

She told me last week that she was one to never really be there for friends. Yes you are right, you were spot on and I"m not going to second guess anymore myself. Just listening once for 10 min when I"m in a crisis and then not really talking to me about the issue is no support in my book. She was not just a friend either, I have other friends that I woujld not put this type of expectations but I was there for her when she had issues with her inlaw, boyfriends, all the drama I listened, not just once many many many times. I'm over it really. These boards really help with perspective..!!

 

You sound a lot like me in some ways. I've had to have a really good look at myself, and WHY i let this happen (similar story to yours)... I'm still working on it, but i've realised that 'boundaries' are important (the invisible line you draw around yourself that seperates you from them). You will let people drain you if you don't have suffucient boundaries, and it is also not good for them, believe it or not.

 

I would simply discontinue contact with her, unless she persues you. If she persues you, you can either avoid her until she gives up, or you can calmly and quickly explain that you have chosen to move on because there is a mismatch in expectations around friendship (do not go into any further discussion). Hopefully the first option will suffice.

 

Google 'assertiveness skills', this is also something i have been lacking, and am seeking help with, as it's more productive and proactive, and empowering for you.

[KittyKat67]

She may be very selfish or narcissistic. But see, there again, when it's HER problem, having a bunch of kids to watch doesn't stop her from taking plenty of time to air her problems, but she's too selfish to return the attention.

 

 

exactly and her kids are in high school, not toddlers.

[KittyKat67]

After numerous posts about my best friend whom I grew up with and then had a 10+ year hiatus before re connecting, finally have cut my ties with her. Nothing more humbling than a group of your peers setting you straight. I love it. We all keep unhealthy relationships because it feeds something unhealthy within us, and when you raise your energy, your vibration in life, at some point you don't resonate with negative people/ frequency anymore. Its very liberating. And I feel good about myself doing..instead of talking/venting...thanks guys!