Re: Losing Virginity (Mind problem)

[clia]

You say: "I love her lots and to see her in any sort of pain because of me just turns me off. I got a major problem with my attitude to the whole losing virginity thing. We tried it once and I made the whole thing very romantic and nice and the situation was perfect and we were in the mood till it was time to get it on. She started writhing in pain when I enetred her and sqeezed so tight that it turned me off and made me feel real bad."

 

First of all, many girls out there experience a lot of pain the first time, and even a few times after that. I think it's very considerate that you care so much about her that you don't want to see her in pain, but this is absolutely normal pain. The two of you have to agree to push on and get through it.

 

"A lot of guys out there are gonna say: WTF?? just get it over with or find another girl And the girls will of course chorus with: if she's not tough enough then she should get

 

a life"

 

I would never say that because I know how much it hurts. (It basically feels like you're being torn in half.) To say that she's not tough enough would be extremely rude.

 

"But I know for certain that this is the love of my life and we are never gonna break up specially about an issue as trivial as sex."

 

Sex is not trivial when you are in a committed relationship. What are you going to do? Go for the rest of your life without sex? Come on.

 

"I think i did the wrong thing by getting angry and resentful when she refused to let me enter her at all."

 

You definitely did the wrong thing. If everything was so perfect and you were so worried about her, then why did you get angry? You have no idea what it feels like.

 

"I also told her to go and sleep with some other guy who she'd allow in so we could enjoy painless sex and she was offended ( I saw that coming but what other option was there?)."

 

I'm confused. She won't let you in, but she would let some other guy? Huh? That doesn't make any sense to me at all.

 

"Every time I brought it up she avoided the subject and when

 

she tried to do it, I refused 'cos i didn't want to let her hurt herself. I used lube and a condom and have suggested that the next time we try it will only be with some naesthetic lube so she doesn't get hurt."

 

You need to face it that it is going to hurt her. I know that's hard to take, but it will. Just as an FYI, lube isn't going to help that much, unless your only problem is that she isn't lubricated enough. Since she's a virgin, I suspect there's more than that. It's still going to hurt. She will be in pain probably for a good couple of days after.

 

"I lost my virginity at an early age of 11 and didn't like the experiance."

 

Well I wonder why. Do you think it's because you weren't emotionally ready for it? The experience that you had and the experience that she will have are completely different.

 

"I don't want her to suffer for something that doesn't sound as great as people make it sound."

 

Um...yeah it is. You obviously hadn't had a good sexual relationship yet. Don't write it off. It can be a wonderful thing. And I think that 'suffer' is a strong word to use. The two of you need to discuss this and decide what you are going to do. If you decide to go forward and do this, you have to stick with it. She's not going to want to go forward, but you have to do it. It will be worth it in the long run. If she ever plans on losing her virginity, she's going to have to go through this eventually.

 

"We get into heavy petting and all, everything but sex, only intercourse makes me feel sick now. Help me out, I know that no one could ever have this kinda problem but if anyone has, any suggestions? My mind is tearing me apart and every day I have a worse and worse attitude towards sex. It disgusts me that people just use sex to enjoy themselves than show love. I am also having thoughts like we are only best friends/lovers because we don't have sex. Please help!!!!!"

 

Why don't the two of you go and talk to a doctor about this? I'm sure her gynecologist would be more than happy to talk about this with you. Your feelings toward sex are not normal. (You might even consider talking with a counselor about them.) You don't want to have to live the rest of your life like this.

[ashesmum]

How about a little foreplay first. Play wit her a little down there. Get her excited. And slowly do it. If she starts whining, stop where you are and wait. Then proceed. And you get to that point make sure you make her feel good. I'm sure it won't take too long anyways (not to be rude). You're a good man for thinking of her so much. Good luck.

I'm a 19yr old male and I have been in a very committed relationship for over 10 months and have not had intercourse with my girlfriend (also 19). I have wanted to and tried but she is a virgin. I love her lots and to see her in any sort of pain because of me just turns me off. I got a major problem with my attitude to the whole losing virginity thing. We tried it once and I made the whole thing very romantic and nice and the situation was perfect and we were in the mood till it was time to get it on. She started writhing in pain when I enetred her and sqeezed so tight that it turned me off and made me feel real bad. A lot of guys out there are gonna say: WTF?? just get it over with or find another girl

 

And the girls will of course chorus with : if she's not tough enough then she should get a life But I know for certain that this is the love of my life and we are never gonna break up specially about an issue as trivial as sex. I think i did the wrong thing by getting angry and resentful when she refused to let me enter her at all. I also told her to go and sleep with some other guy who she'd allow in so we could enjoy painless sex and she was offended ( I saw that coming but what other option was there?). I apologised and she wanted to try it again later. Every time I brought it up she avoided the subject and when she tried to do it, I refused 'cos i didn't want to let her hurt herself. I used lube and a condom and have suggested that the next time we try it will only be with some naesthetic lube so she doesn't get hurt. Pain is a turn off for me and I have been having flashback-like thoughts of it and other times I have hurt her in any way from that day and now, sex disgusts me. I lost my virginity at an early age of 11 and didn't like the experiance. I don't want her to suffer for something that doesn't sound as great as people make it sound. We get into heavy petting and all, everything but sex, only intercourse makes me feel sick now. Help me out, I know that no one could ever have this kinda problem but if anyone has, any suggestions? My mind is tearing me apart and every day I have a worse and worse attitude towards sex. It disgusts me that people just use sex to enjoy themselves than show love. I am also having thoughts like we are only best friends/lovers because we don't have sex. Please help!!!!!

[Skitzofreakniak]

Thanks so much for your responses. I didn't think anyone would care. It means heaps to me. So here's the update: My GF is on holidaya and will be back in a week. I will be hoping to discuss things with her when she gets back. I'm hoping the time away from me has helped to heal any hurt I did emtionally.

First of all, many girls out there experience a lot of pain the first time, and even a few times after that. I think it's very considerate that you care so much about her that you don't want to see her in pain, but this is absolutely normal pain. The two of you have to agree to push on and get through it.

I guess that will be hard becasue she will have to act like it doesn't hurt or I'll get tured off totally. I flick off so easily whenI sense it. But I looked up lot's of things after posting my message before and found that some girls have to have their hymen surgically removed because it is too tough. I'll talk about this option with her when she gets back.

(It basically feels like you're being torn in half.) To say that she's not tough enough would be extremely rude.

I need to know if it will still hurt even after the hymen is removed so I can still take extra care.

Sex is not trivial when you are in a committed relationship. What are you going to do? Go for the rest of your life without sex? Come on.

I know what you're saying but our relationship was never based on sex. We never even got to thinking about it until 5 to 6 months into the relationship. I had feelings for her but didn't tell her becasue I loved her and wanted to take it slow. For me sex seems to have always tainted other great things in life. Of course it's a distorted view but it's the way I see it.

"I also told her to go and sleep with some other guy who she'd allow in so we could enjoy painless sex and she was offended ( I saw that coming but what other option was there?)." I'm confused. She won't let you in, but she would let some other guy? Huh? That doesn't make any sense to me at all.

It's because I thought if I was 'the man' and macho and real hot babe then she probably wouldn't care and would take any pains.

"I lost my virginity at an early age of 11 and didn't like the experiance." Well I wonder why. Do you think it's because you weren't emotionally ready for it? The experience that you had and the experience that she will have are completely different.

Definitely, the experiance has brought things with it I never thought would affect me in the bad ways it does. It's lead me to disrespect sex and not regard it as a loving act.

Why don't the two of you go and talk to a doctor about this? I'm sure her gynecologist would be more than happy to talk about this with you. Your feelings toward sex are not normal. (You might even consider talking with a counselor about them.) You don't want to have to live the rest of your life like this.

If you have heard Freak on a Leash by Korn you know how I feel about myself. Maybe it's what I deserve. There's no way I'm letting go of my dream girl over this. When you have almost everything you dreamt of in the person you love and they wouldn't fulfil just one thing, would you deal with it or let them go?

 

I'm stuck in a situation where I have no time to get counselling, the cousellors are all booked at my University and I have no money for paid councelling, I'm trapped. We will have to solve this somehow. I know we will, we've gotten over so many problems in the past that something this simple can' be too hard to solve. Thanks :-)

 

If you can, please respond to this :-)

[Skitzofreakniak]

Thanks for the reply...

How about a little foreplay first. Play wit her a little down there. Get her excited.

I had everything almost perfect last time, gave her a shower, a full body massage and spet two hours on foreplay.

slowly do it. If she starts whining, stop where you are and wait. Then proceed. And you get to that point make sure you make her feel good.

The part I'm not sure about is whether it or anything CAN actually feel good at all the first time. Because she'll be bleeding already from the ruptured hymen. I can't bear to see her whining because it turns me off and I can't go ahead with anything after that. It appears you have to be a masochist in order to take your loved one's virginity. Somthing I'm not and don't think I can be.

I'm sure it won't take too long anyways (not to be rude). You're a good man for thinking of her so much. Good luck.

Thanks, I will need it.

[teddybear]

I'm a 19yr old male and I have been in a very committed relationship for over 10 months and have not had intercourse with my girlfriend (also 19). I have wanted to and tried but she is a virgin. I love her lots and to see her in any sort of pain because of me just turns me off. I got a major problem with my attitude to the whole losing virginity thing. We tried it once and I made the whole thing very romantic and nice and the situation was perfect and we were in the mood till it was time to get it on. She started writhing in pain when I enetred her and sqeezed so tight that it turned me off and made me feel real bad. A lot of guys out there are gonna say: WTF?? just get it over with or find another girl

 

And the girls will of course chorus with : if she's not tough enough then she should get a life But I know for certain that this is the love of my life and we are never gonna break up specially about an issue as trivial as sex. I think i did the wrong thing by getting angry and resentful when she refused to let me enter her at all. I also told her to go and sleep with some other guy who she'd allow in so we could enjoy painless sex and she was offended ( I saw that coming but what other option was there?). I apologised and she wanted to try it again later. Every time I brought it up she avoided the subject and when she tried to do it, I refused 'cos i didn't want to let her hurt herself. I used lube and a condom and have suggested that the next time we try it will only be with some naesthetic lube so she doesn't get hurt. Pain is a turn off for me and I have been having flashback-like thoughts of it and other times I have hurt her in any way from that day and now, sex disgusts me. I lost my virginity at an early age of 11 and didn't like the experiance. I don't want her to suffer for something that doesn't sound as great as people make it sound. We get into heavy petting and all, everything but sex, only intercourse makes me feel sick now. Help me out, I know that no one could ever have this kinda problem but if anyone has, any suggestions? My mind is tearing me apart and every day I have a worse and worse attitude towards sex. It disgusts me that people just use sex to enjoy themselves than show love. I am also having thoughts like we are only best friends/lovers because we don't have sex. Please help!!!!!

[teddybear]

well first, there is no rush to sex especially if you are in love. It's going to hurt the first time,but if she's relaxed things will go alot smoother. If you're really in love you can wait until the time is actually right. Like after you're married,remember.

I'm a 19yr old male and I have been in a very committed relationship for over 10 months and have not had intercourse with my girlfriend (also 19). I have wanted to and tried but she is a virgin. I love her lots and to see her in any sort of pain because of me just turns me off. I got a major problem with my attitude to the whole losing virginity thing. We tried it once and I made the whole thing very romantic and nice and the situation was perfect and we were in the mood till it was time to get it on. She started writhing in pain when I enetred her and sqeezed so tight that it turned me off and made me feel real bad. A lot of guys out there are gonna say: WTF?? just get it over with or find another girl

 

And the girls will of course chorus with : if she's not tough enough then she should get a life But I know for certain that this is the love of my life and we are never gonna break up specially about an issue as trivial as sex. I think i did the wrong thing by getting angry and resentful when she refused to let me enter her at all. I also told her to go and sleep with some other guy who she'd allow in so we could enjoy painless sex and she was offended ( I saw that coming but what other option was there?). I apologised and she wanted to try it again later. Every time I brought it up she avoided the subject and when she tried to do it, I refused 'cos i didn't want to let her hurt herself. I used lube and a condom and have suggested that the next time we try it will only be with some naesthetic lube so she doesn't get hurt. Pain is a turn off for me and I have been having flashback-like thoughts of it and other times I have hurt her in any way from that day and now, sex disgusts me. I lost my virginity at an early age of 11 and didn't like the experiance. I don't want her to suffer for something that doesn't sound as great as people make it sound. We get into heavy petting and all, everything but sex, only intercourse makes me feel sick now. Help me out, I know that no one could ever have this kinda problem but if anyone has, any suggestions? My mind is tearing me apart and every day I have a worse and worse attitude towards sex. It disgusts me that people just use sex to enjoy themselves than show love. I am also having thoughts like we are only best friends/lovers because we don't have sex. Please help!!!!!