Day 3 NC... Distracting Myself

[immokk]

I've been on here a few times before... quietly reading posts and other people's stories.

 

I'm not going to go into the graphic details of mine right now but, suffice to say, I was the Single OW and was in a relationship with a MM. It lasted, on a physical level, just over a year. Emotionally around 2.

 

I've known him, as a sort of friend, for 5.

 

I had gone to meet him at our favourite hotel (I spend most of my life in hotels, work rarely allows me to be home for any stretch) and we were going to talk about the things we could do to make things easier. In the end, I always knew I would finish it that night, and I did.

 

I spent the night wrapped up in his arms sobbing (both of us).

 

We had one further conversation and have since had no contact. I'm thoroughly determined but, as many of you know, it's not easy.

 

So on day 3, actually working from home and thus not surrounded by distractions, I am making my first post.

 

I'd like to get views on the following

 

Have any of you ever told the wife/ husband? Is it ever the right thing to do?

 

(Please note I have NO intention of doing this. I ended it, I want to walk away, I need to be able to get on with my life and I want it to be a clean break. But I am very curious about people's views on it. I believe she does have the right to know but I don't want it to come from me. )

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi Immok,

 

Good for you in deciding to end the affair. I am sorry for your pain as I understand what you are going through and it sucks.

 

Do I think the spouses have a right to know, probably (still struggling in telling my own BS) but I never think it is the AP that should be the one to tell. In your case it is his job to tell his wife or not tell his wife, his journey and his choices. I believe if an affair partner tells the BS then they do it for all of the wrong reasons. Just my own thoughts.

 

Good luck on your NC journey.

[immokk]

Hi Immok,

 

Good for you in deciding to end the affair. I am sorry for your pain as I understand what you are going through and it sucks.

 

Do I think the spouses have a right to know, probably (still struggling in telling my own BS) but I never think it is the AP that should be the one to tell. In your case it is his job to tell his wife or not tell his wife, his journey and his choices. I believe if an affair partner tells the BS then they do it for all of the wrong reasons. Just my own thoughts.

 

Good luck on your NC journey.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for your message.

 

Suffering a bit at the moment but I suspect it's more attachment than love.

 

I'm inclined to agree about it not being the AP's role and I'm not interested but I am so curious about how it's turned out for other people.

 

Do you plan to tell your BS? Or have I misread?

[jenkins95]

Good luck immokk. Great decision to end it and free yourself. First day of the rest of your life and all that.

 

NC is punishingly difficult - it is for you and as a MM who had an affair myself, I can virtually guarantee you that it's difficult for him too.

 

Don't expect to feel well for a while yet. After 100 days, you are likely to feel significantly better, but will have suffered lots of peaks and troughs on the way. I am nearing 200 days now and the fog has well and truly lifted to the extent that my thoughts are not 100% dominated by the affair any more. Imagine that - actually having space and time in your brain for "normal" things! You will get there.

 

But I'm still a long way from full recovery - of myself, my beliefs, my wife, my family and my marriage, but I'm getting there.

 

Every day has to start on day 1....and you are already on day 3! Well done - you've weathered three brutal days. We are proud of you. Keep going.

[immokk]

Good luck immokk. Great decision to end it and free yourself. First day of the rest of your life and all that.

 

NC is punishingly difficult - it is for you and as a MM who had an affair myself, I can virtually guarantee you that it's difficult for him too.

 

Don't expect to feel well for a while yet. After 100 days, you are likely to feel significantly better, but will have suffered lots of peaks and troughs on the way. I am nearing 200 days now and the fog has well and truly lifted to the extent that my thoughts are not 100% dominated by the affair any more. Imagine that - actually having space and time in your brain for "normal" things! You will get there.

 

But I'm still a long way from full recovery - of myself, my beliefs, my wife, my family and my marriage, but I'm getting there.

 

Every day has to start on day 1....and you are already on day 3! Well done - you've weathered three brutal days. We are proud of you. Keep going.

 

Thank you for this.

 

Do you mind if I ask why it was difficult for you? I obviously only see it from my point of view (single, in love, sort of hoping something might change etc).

 

No children involved in our situation, thankfully, but he had opportunities to do more and didn't (although they were never particularly straightforward, I will at least give him that). Thus, given opportunity but no change it can be quite difficult to understand (from this perspective) why the MM would struggle.

 

 

I almost imagine it to be a relief.

 

And yes.... I'm in the UK so actually 3.5 days...

[jenkins95]

Hi again immokk

 

Sorry, would you mind explaining this.....

 

"No children involved in our situation, thankfully, but he had opportunities to do more and didn't (although they were never particularly straightforward, I will at least give him that)"

 

I don't quite understand what you are saying here.

 

Anyway, from my point of view, as a MM, there is a relief element to it, definitely. But there are so many other elements. For example......

 

1. I developed feelings for the OW. I would even say that I fell in love with her. Likely your MM did too, given the time period involved - very similar to my A. So even though it was the "right" thing to do, it still hurt like hell.

 

2. Dealing with the awful guilt and finally facing up to the fact that I was a liar a cheat and an all round cad for doing what I did, and that including myself, four people were heartbroken due to my actions (yes, there were D-days). When you've been a decent person for near on 4 decades, it is difficult to accept that you are capable of such hideous, selfish actions.

 

3. I mentioned it above - D-days! I've never endured anything more horrifying in my life. I needn't say much more here. I'm sure you've already read a lot of threads on LS to know how devastating D-days are to everyone involved.

 

4. Recovering and reconciliation. After everything that happened, it is daunting entering into reconciliation. I still felt such guilt and my wife was so hurt. As the MM, you are fighting a battle on two fronts - trying to fix your marriage when, at least at first, you can't help wondering whether or not you really want to be there or if you can ever recapture those feelings with your wife again after you connected so deeply with another woman. On the other front, the brutal finality of NC with a woman with whom you shared something very deep. It hurts and of course, you can't mention it - except, thank goodness, on LS.

 

You get the idea!

 

immokk, perhaps at the end your MM seemed relieved? I probably did to my OW. But I can virtually guarantee you that it's not that simple and that his head will be all over the place for a VERY long time. There is a very high chance that he may try to contact you again - I have had to reach into the deepest reserves I have to resist contacting my xOW and have reached out to some wonderful friends on here to talk me down from the ledge - there are some amazing people on here. Thankfully I have resisted. But prepare yourself for the possibility that he may attempt it in a moment of weakness.

 

I wish you all the very best. Make sure you keep posting to us!

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this.

 

Do you mind if I ask why it was difficult for you? I obviously only see it from my point of view (single, in love, sort of hoping something might change etc).

 

No children involved in our situation, thankfully, but he had opportunities to do more and didn't (although they were never particularly straightforward, I will at least give him that). Thus, given opportunity but no change it can be quite difficult to understand (from this perspective) why the MM would struggle.

 

 

I almost imagine it to be a relief.

 

And yes.... I'm in the UK so actually 3.5 days...

[jenkins95]

And yes.... I'm in the UK so actually 3.5 days...

 

Ha ha, that's the spirit - counting in fractions of a day! I understand so well! Every hour is an achievement at this stage - keep going! This actually put a smile on my face! Sometimes, even in the most trying of circumstances, a little humour can help.

[immokk]

Hi again immokk

 

Sorry, would you mind explaining this.....

 

"No children involved in our situation, thankfully, but he had opportunities to do more and didn't (although they were never particularly straightforward, I will at least give him that)"

 

I don't quite understand what you are saying here.

 

Anyway, from my point of view, as a MM, there is a relief element to it, definitely. But there are so many other elements. For example......

 

1. I developed feelings for the OW. I would even say that I fell in love with her. Likely your MM did too, given the time period involved - very similar to my A. So even though it was the "right" thing to do, it still hurt like hell.

 

2. Dealing with the awful guilt and finally facing up to the fact that I was a liar a cheat and an all round cad for doing what I did, and that including myself, four people were heartbroken due to my actions (yes, there were D-days). When you've been a decent person for near on 4 decades, it is difficult to accept that you are capable of such hideous, selfish actions.

 

3. I mentioned it above - D-days! I've never endured anything more horrifying in my life. I needn't say much more here. I'm sure you've already read a lot of threads on LS to know how devastating D-days are to everyone involved.

 

4. Recovering and reconciliation. After everything that happened, it is daunting entering into reconciliation. I still felt such guilt and my wife was so hurt. As the MM, you are fighting a battle on two fronts - trying to fix your marriage when, at least at first, you can't help wondering whether or not you really want to be there or if you can ever recapture those feelings with your wife again after you connected so deeply with another woman. On the other front, the brutal finality of NC with a woman with whom you shared something very deep. It hurts and of course, you can't mention it - except, thank goodness, on LS.

 

You get the idea!

 

immokk, perhaps at the end your MM seemed relieved? I probably did to my OW. But I can virtually guarantee you that it's not that simple and that his head will be all over the place for a VERY long time. There is a very high chance that he may try to contact you again - I have had to reach into the deepest reserves I have to resist contacting my xOW and have reached out to some wonderful friends on here to talk me down from the ledge - there are some amazing people on here. Thankfully I have resisted. But prepare yourself for the possibility that he may attempt it in a moment of weakness.

 

I wish you all the very best. Make sure you keep posting to us!

 

Thanks for such a thoughtful response.

 

I have always wondered how it's felt for him.

 

He had a (tenuous) opportunity to get out of the marriage at one point... in hindsight my telling him I wasn't sure the timing was right for him was particularly helpful. He does have something of a complicated existence. Like I said, we've known each other for years.

 

It's bizarre. I was married for the majority of the time I knew him by I was so unhappy. I plugged away at my marriage and I didn't tell anyone it was a problem. Not even MM. We'd text, maybe once a week, about general stuff (How's work, how's the dog, etc). Every so often he'd say he'd gone out because things were so bad at home. I'd sympathise but I never confided that mine was in the same position until early 2014 ( at this stage we'd known each other for 3 years) when I was at a loss.

 

This time he returned the sympathy and we went back to general chat. My dad died later that year. He was young. I was crushed and when MM text (at this stage no A, at all, and nothing I would consider an EA either) with his general 'Hi, how are you?'. I ignored it. I ignored pretty much everyone for a week.

 

When MMs texts turned to, 'I'm worried, are you okay?' I shook myself off and told him my dad had died suddenly.

 

He then became the person I talked to about this. Each day he'd text, 'Are you okay?'

 

Each day I'd reply. I'd tell him about the probate, the sorrow, the lack of support... he'd be kind, gentle, he'd joke about other things. We grew closer.

 

Still no PA but by Christmas it was definitely verging on EA.

 

We messaged all day, every day. We talked on the phone when we were both in different places for work until 2/3 in the morning. We talked about career, politics, life, hobbies... all of that, as I'm sure you've probably experienced.

 

In March, after a particularly bad period with my H, my anxiety levels were through the roof. MM gently talked me down. Begged me to leave my H (NOT for him, for my own mental health) and at the end of the call he said, "Look after yourself, I love you." and hung up.

 

The words were never repeated, by him nor by me, but after that point I think he actually felt it (I didn't but I definitely cared)

 

Then in late March 2015 I walked out on my husband (completely, frankly, unrelated to MM) I could not live there anymore. I'd struggled and battled, I'd tried for years and I simply could not try anymore. He assaulted me (first and only time in 13 years) and I left two weeks later.

 

I met up with MM for the first time in years and years for coffee around a week later and we just chatted. He was supportive.

 

A week later, I was away for work and he crashed with me. Arm over me all night (snoring) but nothing else. A week later, it was more.

 

It has been more ever since. Until I ended things on Wednesday night, last week.

 

Did he seem relieved? He cried. He cried and when I cried he cried more. We fell asleep and the next morning I left. We spoke one more time, Friday night, and he was cold. I think I'd hurt him. Maybe not, maybe it was just him being relieved, I don't know.

 

You might know better.

 

But today, I'm struggling a little because I know tonight I'm in a hotel room alone for the first time and I need to work really hard to keep my mind occupied.

 

I don't think he will contact me. He is stubborn and scared (and maybe hurt). Hopefully, that will benefit me.

 

Anyway... I just need to hold myself together... I think if I can get through a week, I have plans with lots of people at the weekend (and, oddly, a date... but because my friend's don't know and set me up on a blind date!) so I should be distracted. I think if I get through this week, things will feel easier.

 

I hope.

[Lobe]

... I just need to hold myself together... I think if I can get through a week, I have plans with lots of people at the weekend (and, oddly, a date... but because my friend's don't know and set me up on a blind date!) so I should be distracted. I think if I get through this week, things will feel easier.

 

I hope.

 

It took time and space for the affair to build up, so it's a safe assumption it will take an equal or greater amount of time and space for it to wear down.

 

While my WS and I were separated, I dove right in to IC. In our second session, as I sat there blubbering about losing the best man ever to walk the planet, she handed me a piece of paper, asked me to write down a list of my husband's good qualities on one side, his bad on the other. The good side was 10x as long as the bad side. Then we had about a 30-minute conversation about what our marriage had actually looked like both before and during the affair - how was our communication, how was our sex life, how did we interact, how did that change before the affair started, how did it change after the affair started, how was what I was saying it different from all the wonderful things I had written down on that piece of paper? I filled in the other column with all the things my brain/heart didn't want to acknowledge.

 

She said was that when people are having an affair, they exaggerate the good qualities of their AP and downplay (or ignore) the bad qualities, and that a person in the middle of a break-up (me, in this case) may exaggerate the good qualities of the WH and ignore the bad things, the exact same way. She said we all do it for the exact same reason: to preserve the fantasy and thereby protect our hearts from the disappointment of reality. Obviously the point of her exercise was for me take my WH down a notch or two by recognizing he is a flawed human being. It gave me some perspective, provided a more balanced view of reality, got me out of my own "fog." I came to speak of those moments of clarity and enlightenment as visits from the disillusionment fairy.

 

It sounds like your decision to end your A was accompanied by a visit from the disillusionment fairy, so my wish for you is that she finds you in your hour of NC need, should it arise. Until then, I hope you find your time and space filled with wonderful thoughts and wonderful people, who aren't your MM.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thanks for such a thoughtful response.

 

I have always wondered how it's felt for him.

 

He had a (tenuous) opportunity to get out of the marriage at one point... in hindsight my telling him I wasn't sure the timing was right for him was particularly helpful. He does have something of a complicated existence. Like I said, we've known each other for years.

 

It's bizarre. I was married for the majority of the time I knew him by I was so unhappy. I plugged away at my marriage and I didn't tell anyone it was a problem. Not even MM. We'd text, maybe once a week, about general stuff (How's work, how's the dog, etc). Every so often he'd say he'd gone out because things were so bad at home. I'd sympathise but I never confided that mine was in the same position until early 2014 ( at this stage we'd known each other for 3 years) when I was at a loss.

 

This time he returned the sympathy and we went back to general chat. My dad died later that year. He was young. I was crushed and when MM text (at this stage no A, at all, and nothing I would consider an EA either) with his general 'Hi, how are you?'. I ignored it. I ignored pretty much everyone for a week.

 

When MMs texts turned to, 'I'm worried, are you okay?' I shook myself off and told him my dad had died suddenly.

 

He then became the person I talked to about this. Each day he'd text, 'Are you okay?'

 

Each day I'd reply. I'd tell him about the probate, the sorrow, the lack of support... he'd be kind, gentle, he'd joke about other things. We grew closer.

 

Still no PA but by Christmas it was definitely verging on EA.

 

We messaged all day, every day. We talked on the phone when we were both in different places for work until 2/3 in the morning. We talked about career, politics, life, hobbies... all of that, as I'm sure you've probably experienced.

 

In March, after a particularly bad period with my H, my anxiety levels were through the roof. MM gently talked me down. Begged me to leave my H (NOT for him, for my own mental health) and at the end of the call he said, "Look after yourself, I love you." and hung up.

 

The words were never repeated, by him nor by me, but after that point I think he actually felt it (I didn't but I definitely cared)

 

Then in late March 2015 I walked out on my husband (completely, frankly, unrelated to MM) I could not live there anymore. I'd struggled and battled, I'd tried for years and I simply could not try anymore. He assaulted me (first and only time in 13 years) and I left two weeks later.

 

I met up with MM for the first time in years and years for coffee around a week later and we just chatted. He was supportive.

 

A week later, I was away for work and he crashed with me. Arm over me all night (snoring) but nothing else. A week later, it was more.

 

It has been more ever since. Until I ended things on Wednesday night, last week.

 

Did he seem relieved? He cried. He cried and when I cried he cried more. We fell asleep and the next morning I left. We spoke one more time, Friday night, and he was cold. I think I'd hurt him. Maybe not, maybe it was just him being relieved, I don't know.

 

You might know better.

 

But today, I'm struggling a little because I know tonight I'm in a hotel room alone for the first time and I need to work really hard to keep my mind occupied.

 

I don't think he will contact me. He is stubborn and scared (and maybe hurt). Hopefully, that will benefit me.

 

Anyway... I just need to hold myself together... I think if I can get through a week, I have plans with lots of people at the weekend (and, oddly, a date... but because my friend's don't know and set me up on a blind date!) so I should be distracted. I think if I get through this week, things will feel easier.

I hope.

 

Set up LOTS of fun 'dates' with friends. Get a LOT of stuff on your calendar that you can have to look forward to. I am filling up my Summer with family and friends.

 

I love to run and I have likened making it through my NC a lot to running. When I run and I am tired and weak and I let my mind start imagining how good stopping will feel and start to consider stopping, telling myself i just can't make it- I end up stopping. BUUT and this is where the mind is crazy if I am in the same state of tired and weak but i tell myself that i WILL not stop and there is NOTHING in my mind that even has the word stop. I visualize my goal and that is the ONLY place I will let myself stop then crazy enough I can make my goal EVERY SINGLE TIME. Your mind is a very powerful tool use it. Tell your heart to take a time out (it has been a very bad heart) and start using your head. YOU GOT THIS!

 

By the way 20 days NC today and i have to see my exMM at work daily. Ugh!

[immokk]

Set up LOTS of fun 'dates' with friends. Get a LOT of stuff on your calendar that you can have to look forward to. I am filling up my Summer with family and friends.

 

....

 

By the way 20 days NC today and i have to see my exMM at work daily. Ugh!

 

I know what you mean about the mind. Having a tough morning, actually, which seems odd. Last night wasn't brilliant but I was okay and fell to sleep reasonably well.

 

Feel oddly tearful this morning and anxious. But that's a thing for me anyway, the anxiety. So, I'm on here (and working, but I concentrate for periods and then my mind drifts, then I'm okay again) because I can't get the whole bloody thing out of my head.

 

I waver, actually, from hurt to furious, to lost, to okay. Back to angry. Very frustrating. I'm p!$$**g myself off, frankly.

 

But I have no support. People don't know. So, when I'm away it's hard and I'm alone and I have nothing but my thoughts instead of either a) his company or b) his messages. When I'm home it's hard because I have to pretend things are fine (living at my mum's, depressingly, until my finances are resolved in my divorce).

 

So I'm here, annoying all of you instead. Trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself and trying really hard not to like MM at all. Trying to remind myself how painful it was being in the A.

 

I feel for you having to see him every day. We live just over an hour from each other so there is very little chance (almost impossible) that we would just run into each other.

 

What a mess, eh?

[Helga]

Have any of you ever told the wife/ husband? Is it ever the right thing to do?

 

(Please note I have NO intention of doing this. I ended it, I want to walk away, I need to be able to get on with my life and I want it to be a clean break. But I am very curious about people's views on it. I believe she does have the right to know but I don't want it to come from me. )

The only circumstance I can think of in which I would tell MM's wife would be if she had contacted me and I'd felt some need to defend myself. We've had a few D-days over the years and she has contacted me, but has never asked for any details -- I suspect that she (wisely) realizes that she doesn't really want to know any details which could easily replay in her mind; I have no desire to ever instill more hurt/anger in her mind.

 

Her few contacts with me were more on the order of 'warnings' to stay away from her husband -- so she "knows" all she needed to know already. (I don't really believe the BS has the "right to know" anything beyond what they can handle, which is in part why I believe she didn't ask me for any details. JMO.)

 

 

But I have no support. People don't know.

(((big hugs))) It is especially hard after an affair to have no support, no safety net. I agree with HeCantBreakMe: pencil in a lot of activities that can serve as a distraction.

[Oran]

Hi immokk

 

Found your thread here. I can relate to some of your feelings. As I said in my thread, I'm 3 days NC and I'm torn between feeling relieved and bereft. My AP had become my best friend, more intensely so because I had distanced myself from other friends because of the A.

 

I know it's the right thing to do, but I miss my friend, his texts, messages, calls, conversations.

 

Keep strong.

[Lobe]

I know it's the right thing to do, but I miss my friend, his texts, messages, calls, conversations.

 

Bad habits are hard to break. I had a friend in high school who used a fork to quit smoking. Every time he wanted a smoke, he stabbed himself with the fork. We all thought he was crazy (and he was) but to this day, he does not smoke.

 

I think they say it takes 21 days to break and old habit/form a new one. Is there something you can replace your old habit (his communication) with? hecantbreakme runs, I journal - maybe you can find an outlet to distract you, too (that ideally doesn't involve permanently scarring yourself with an eating utensil...)

 

immokk, I'm here with pompoms cheering you on.

 

Rah rah

Sis boom bam

You can stay No Contact

YES YOU CAN!!!

[not-so-sure]

Good luck immokk. Great decision to end it and free yourself. First day of the rest of your life and all that.

 

NC is punishingly difficult - it is for you and as a MM who had an affair myself, I can virtually guarantee you that it's difficult for him too.

 

Don't expect to feel well for a while yet. After 100 days, you are likely to feel significantly better, but will have suffered lots of peaks and troughs on the way. I am nearing 200 days now and the fog has well and truly lifted to the extent that my thoughts are not 100% dominated by the affair any more. Imagine that - actually having space and time in your brain for "normal" things! You will get there.

 

But I'm still a long way from full recovery - of myself, my beliefs, my wife, my family and my marriage, but I'm getting there.

 

Every day has to start on day 1....and you are already on day 3! Well done - you've weathered three brutal days. We are proud of you. Keep going.

 

I haven't been here for a couple of years...

 

I too am an MM; your note Jenkins resonates strongly. I knew I was being selfish but I never understood the breadth of it until just recently.

 

The course you're taking immokk is the right one and it's tough, but if you ever feel like you want to get back into contact or think it's important, it's probably useful to remind yourself that the MM is a manipulator. It took me a long time to realise I was doing it.

 

I remained "friends" with my AP for about two years after it was over and through her separation from her husband and all I was doing was holding her back. She's cut me off completely now and it hurts, as Jenkins notes, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It is absolutely the right thing that should happen, even though I struggle with the emotions still from time to time. I realise though that she deserves to find someone who will make her happy and doesn't get the crumbs. You deserve the same too but you just need to get over this hill.

 

You're being strong. Good for you!

 

FWIW I fessed up and my marriage is a lot healthier than it deserves to be but I would say you should expect these things to linger for a while yet. You'll come out of it stronger.

[immokk]

Frustratingly, my family had a bereavement late yesterday and MM broke NC to say he was sorry to hear my news and hoped I was okay.

 

I was driving home so picked up the message a couple of hours after it was sent. I don't ghost, I think it's cruel, so I responded with a thank you. It led to a brief conversation in which he asked for nothing and I essentially told him I was very well.

 

Back to NC today but feeling a bit irritated.

 

Not sure if I'm irritated with him or myself. I feel like I should have ignored but I know how that would feel to me. Unfortunately, despite all of this, I happen to be quite a nice person.

 

The short chat involved no talk of feelings other than me saying I'm well. He seemed hurt again. Meh.

 

Irritated.

[jenkins95]

Frustratingly, my family had a bereavement late yesterday and MM broke NC to say he was sorry to hear my news and hoped I was okay.

 

I was driving home so picked up the message a couple of hours after it was sent. I don't ghost, I think it's cruel, so I responded with a thank you. It led to a brief conversation in which he asked for nothing and I essentially told him I was very well.

 

Back to NC today but feeling a bit irritated.

 

Not sure if I'm irritated with him or myself. I feel like I should have ignored but I know how that would feel to me. Unfortunately, despite all of this, I happen to be quite a nice person.

 

The short chat involved no talk of feelings other than me saying I'm well. He seemed hurt again. Meh.

 

Irritated.

 

Immokk

 

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about the bereavement. I really hope that you and your family are doing OK?

 

Secondly, even though MM shouldn't have contacted you and you ideally shouldn't have responded, I think under the circumstances, what happened was understandable and doesn't appear to have done too much damage.

 

A bereavement is a big thing and he couldn't help himself expressing concern and you responded politely. Nothing inappropriate was said and no anger was expressed.

 

It's a one-off in exceptional circumstances. As long as he now returns to NC and doesn't use this as a spring-board to contact you whenever he feels, hopefully very little damage done.

 

One thing I find very encouraging is your own reaction to this - it is mainly irritation and mild annoyance that you express. It's not like he's melted you and tempted you back into the A again. Well done!

 

Minor bump in the road, you will get over and past it quickly and well done for coming here to tell us about it.

[immokk]

Thanks Jenks, as always, your post is really thoughtful and very welcome.

 

Part of my frustration comes from the knowledge that it is him I would talk to about this. The bereavement was not completely out of the blue but much, much sooner than expected and, as such, was a shock. Had the A never happened, he would still be the friend I talked to about this. That's painful

 

I was a long way from home, which he would know as I work away, and he said he was concerned about me driving home upset and wanted to check I was okay.

 

In our short (text) conversation I put across that I am pretty well and tried to convey that I'm not really that bothered by him. Of course, this isn't strictly true but I had been doing pretty well. Although, the pain, when it comes, is utterly excruciating.

 

I'd be interested in your view on something else.

 

I just read some comments on a thread in which one former WS said she actually hated her AP. Which, honestly, strikes me as a little... odd. Solely because it feels as though they are absolving themselves of some guilt by apportioning a higher level of blame to their AP. The poster suggested that the AP drifted in and out of their lives with none of their own pain.

 

Huh.

 

In the same thread people also discuss how their fWS recoils at the thought of their AP.

 

I am an analyst, so this sort of thing frustrates me because it feels illogical.

 

For me I think the recoiling is of the A and not the AP. I would think that most exWS would not recoil at the thought of the AP at all but more at the thought of the A, of the hurt they caused.

 

Some of the language on here occasionally frustrates me, I think people should be supportive (if a little tough, at times) but not judgement or cruel.

 

Honestly, this place is the only place I have to talk about this. At the moment, I need it.

[privategal]

I am sure you are prepared to answer the obvious...why is there any openchannels via phone or email for contact.

Great that you are a nice person but "I don't ghost"?

You had as much closure as any one story Ive seen on here ending it firmly with an overnight goodbye in eachothers arms.

What part of ending things involves leaving doors and windows open for contact in the name of being nice and not ghosting when you said goodbye way more than polite and thorough?

With all due respect it is not his place to provide emotional support to you and it is disrespectful to contact you when you have expressed the wish to end things.

You interrupted your healing by allowing him to be able to reach you and by respomding this tells him it wasnt unwelcome.

If you are serious, you need to not play Russian roulette with healing and be serious about your healing and moving oon.

Would it have hurt him to be met with silence? Maybe but that isnt your concern and doesnt mean you arent nice. The A is over, so no exceptions.

Edited June 9, 2016 by privategal

[immokk]

I am sure you are prepared to answer the obvious...why is there any openchannels via phone or email for contact.

Great that you are a nice person but "I don't ghost"?

You had as much closure as any one story Ive seen on here ending it firmly with an overnight goodbye in eachothers arms.

What part of ending things involves leaving doors and windows open for contact in the name of being nice and not ghosting when you said goodbye way more than polite and thorough?

With all due respect it is not his place to provide emotional support to you and it is disrespectful to contact you when you have expressed the wish to end things.

You interrupted your healing by allowing him to be able to reach you and by respomding this tells him it wasnt unwelcome.

If you are serious, you need to not play Russian roulette with healing and be serious about your healing and moving oon.

Would it have hurt him to be met with silence? Maybe but that isnt your concern and doesnt mean you arent nice. The A is over, so no exceptions.

 

This is what I mean by unhelpful.

 

I appreciate you have your own story and I have seen your other posts, and see that you see your responses as tough love but... if you read what I say, I am back to NC today and it will remain that way.

 

And my irritation is a good sign because as painful as it is, it shows that I have been making progress and, frankly, I didn't say I thought he owed me anything at all, did I?

 

And although I agree with your assertion that it is not his role to provide me with support, you also don't know my personal support network. You're assuming I have one to help me deal with bereavement, he is aware of that.

 

Do I think he shouldn't have contacted me? Yes. Do I regret messaging back? No.

 

I actually feel a little better for it this afternoon. I feel like that I DID NOT reach for him, despite every fibre of me wanting to when I had the news, shows that I know the moving forward on my own is the correct thing.

 

I have not once suggested I want to go back, just that I think ghosting is very cruel. And it is, despite your opinion on the matter. My reply to him was short, our interaction was brief, and he knows I am moving on.

 

It's my life. I ended the affair. I am working through this.

 

I am on here because I have no support network. I don't mind a little tough love but would prefer it to be in line with the things I actually say. Which are:

 

- I am finding this hard, but am okay.

- I don't and never will believe in any form of ignorance.

- I am using this forum instead of trying to lean on him. I had hoped that was what this is for.

- I, nor he, are blameless in this. But I ended it. Not him. I made that choice. I took my life back, so that I'm struggling and am constantly trying to do the right thing, I think, is okay.

 

Understand that this isn't an attack on you but I do think if you want to give someone tough love, that's okay, but appreciate that so early on, some people need a slightly different approach.

 

I don't expect you to change, nor would I expect that from anyone else, but I would hope that most folk on here would judge each person based on their need.

 

This was my choice. My MM didn't end it. I did. I told him our A was over, Me. I took control and I am still in control.

 

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that I care less or that I have a kind network around me to get through the tough times.

 

Not everyone is like you.

[privategal]

This is what I mean by unhelpful.

 

I appreciate you have your own story and I have seen your other posts, and see that you see your responses as tough love but... if you read what I say, I am back to NC today and it will remain that way.

 

And my irritation is a good sign because as painful as it is, it shows that I have been making progress and, frankly, I didn't say I thought he owed me anything at all, did I?

 

And although I agree with your assertion that it is not his role to provide me with support, you also don't know my personal support network. You're assuming I have one to help me deal with bereavement, he is aware of that.

 

Do I think he shouldn't have contacted me? Yes. Do I regret messaging back? No.

 

I actually feel a little better for it this afternoon. I feel like that I DID NOT reach for him, despite every fibre of me wanting to when I had the news, shows that I know the moving forward on my own is the correct thing.

 

I have not once suggested I want to go back, just that I think ghosting is very cruel. And it is, despite your opinion on the matter. My reply to him was short, our interaction was brief, and he knows I am moving on.

 

It's my life. I ended the affair. I am working through this.

 

I am on here because I have no support network. I don't mind a little tough love but would prefer it to be in line with the things I actually say. Which are:

 

- I am finding this hard, but am okay.

- I don't and never will believe in any form of ignorance.

- I am using this forum instead of trying to lean on him. I had hoped that was what this is for.

- I, nor he, are blameless in this. But I ended it. Not him. I made that choice. I took my life back, so that I'm struggling and am constantly trying to do the right thing, I think, is okay.

 

Understand that this isn't an attack on you but I do think if you want to give someone tough love, that's okay, but appreciate that so early on, some people need a slightly different approach.

 

I don't expect you to change, nor would I expect that from anyone else, but I would hope that most folk on here would judge each person based on their need.

 

This was my choice. My MM didn't end it. I did. I told him our A was over, Me. I took control and I am still in control.

 

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that I care less or that I have a kind network around me to get through the tough times.

 

Not everyone is like you.

 

Cool. I'll go ahead and step out and allow you to seek and respond to the posters who are 'helpful'. It is not mine to take any 'tough love' approach decidedly, I just speak from the heart honestly and once I see a poster would not appreciate my 'style' its best to back off. Doing so. Best to you.

[jenkins95]

Thanks Jenks......

I'd be interested in your view on something else.

 

I just read some comments on a thread in which one former WS said she actually hated her AP. Which, honestly, strikes me as a little... odd. Solely because it feels as though they are absolving themselves of some guilt by apportioning a higher level of blame to their AP. The poster suggested that the AP drifted in and out of their lives with none of their own pain.

 

Huh.

 

In the same thread people also discuss how their fWS recoils at the thought of their AP.

 

immokk, here's a quote from somethign i wrote yesterday.....

 

....I also do still think of the OW. The general advice for a re-conciliating spouse is that you should reach a position of complete indifference to your xAP. But this isn't quite true of me. She's human and she made stupid mistakes just like me. I wish her a very happy, fulfilling life in which she learns lessons from the mistakes we both made and then applies them.

 

So from that you can see that I don't hate her. I hold us both accountable but I take more blame than her simply because I am older and I have more responsibilities. We were both stupid and selfish, but we have to move on now. Hate would be unfair and would only serve to make me a bitter person, unable to fully move on - and hence not fully present in my marriage and family life in the way I want to and should be.

 

I too have heard of WS's recoiling in horror at the mention of the xAP, but I suspect that they are recoiling more at their own shame and stupidity and squirming in the face of another bashing from the BS. There is also probably an element of show about this - wanting to show the BS that it was all a mistake and "how could she have taken advantage of and corrupted me like this". Making the OW look like an evil temptress to whom he was powerless and too naive to resist.

[immokk]

immokk, here's a quote from somethign i wrote yesterday.....

 

 

 

So from that you can see that I don't hate her. I hold us both accountable but I take more blame than her simply because I am older and I have more responsibilities. We were both stupid and selfish, but we have to move on now. Hate would be unfair and would only serve to make me a bitter person, unable to fully move on - and hence not fully present in my marriage and family life in the way I want to and should be.

 

I too have heard of WS's recoiling in horror at the mention of the xAP, but I suspect that they are recoiling more at their own shame and stupidity and squirming in the face of another bashing from the BS. There is also probably an element of show about this - wanting to show the BS that it was all a mistake and "how could she have taken advantage of and corrupted me like this". Making the OW look like an evil temptress to whom he was powerless and too naive to resist.

 

Haha... well, the really funny thing about me is... I am a bit irresistible I'm kidding, trying to find my sense of humour again)

 

But honestly, I scrub up okay. He doesn't.

 

What is it Lobe says? Disillusionment fairy smacked my arse. I am intelligent and attractive (I'm not oil painting but I generally don't cause revulsion) and he was pretty lucky to get anywhere near me, in many respects

 

BUT he is also intelligent and I cared very deeply for him.

[immokk]

Cool. I'll go ahead and step out and allow you to seek and respond to the posters who are 'helpful'. It is not mine to take any 'tough love' approach decidedly, I just speak from the heart honestly and once I see a poster would not appreciate my 'style' its best to back off. Doing so. Best to you.

 

Thank you.

 

And I apologise if I seemed "Over the top".

 

I think I was just expressing that I am doing what I can and am not unintelligent.

 

In fact, there are a disturbing number of (otherwise) completely rational and highly intelligent people on here...

 

Which leads me to this question, that maybe you can input on, are intelligent people more likely to have affairs?

 

Just wondering as so many (clearly not all) of the people on here seem very smart.

[tillwemeetagain]

I've been on here a few times before... quietly reading posts and other people's stories.

 

I'm not going to go into the graphic details of mine right now but, suffice to say, I was the Single OW and was in a relationship with a MM. It lasted, on a physical level, just over a year. Emotionally around 2.

 

I've known him, as a sort of friend, for 5.

 

I had gone to meet him at our favourite hotel (I spend most of my life in hotels, work rarely allows me to be home for any stretch) and we were going to talk about the things we could do to make things easier. In the end, I always knew I would finish it that night, and I did.

 

I spent the night wrapped up in his arms sobbing (both of us).

 

We had one further conversation and have since had no contact. I'm thoroughly determined but, as many of you know, it's not easy.

 

So on day 3, actually working from home and thus not surrounded by distractions, I am making my first post.

 

I'd like to get views on the following

 

Have any of you ever told the wife/ husband? Is it ever the right thing to do?

 

(Please note I have NO intention of doing this. I ended it, I want to walk away, I need to be able to get on with my life and I want it to be a clean break. But I am very curious about people's views on it. I believe she does have the right to know but I don't want it to come from me. )

 

 

 

hello.. in my own opinion there is no need to tell her. because if you already started NC it will just ruin it. because the wife will surely talk to you and the AP as well. which will be harder for you. they will fight yes but it will just make them stronger after the fight because of the affair. and the wife will be hurt eventhough you dint want her to be hurt.