Day 3 NC... Distracting Myself

[DKT3]

OP you asked about recoiling at the thought of AP, well not only is it logical it's also more common then not. You are still too very close to the situation and buried down in emotions. Once you've gained some emotional distance and your view becomes more clear you will start to really see the crap he did. This will give you some bitterness.

 

Bottom line is good guys don't cheat on the wife for years, they don't string along APs with a promise of a future no matter if he says it or simply allows you to believe it.

[Lobe]

I am sorry to learn of your loss - I hope that you are able to grieve properly and that xMM doesn't interrupt your healing again.

 

I too have heard of WS's recoiling in horror at the mention of the xAP, but I suspect that they are recoiling more at their own shame and stupidity and squirming in the face of another bashing from the BS. There is also probably an element of show about this - wanting to show the BS that it was all a mistake and "how could she have taken advantage of and corrupted me like this". Making the OW look like an evil temptress to whom he was powerless and too naive to resist.

 

I think I often misread my husband's face as "contempt" when I bring up xOW, but it is actually "self-loathing." He recoils and I appreciate that it still brings him that much discomfort - if it didn't, I'd be worried.

 

He never did say the OW was a temptress, though. I saw her picture - she wasn't ugly but she wasn't a super model. A good lover, a good listener, but not a temptress. He speaks of her somewhat flatly and dispassionately now, like, well, I made a stupid decision based on the fact she was there and you weren't.

 

There's that saying that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I think that's what you should hope to feel for your xMM.

 

In other more important news....

 

YAY YOU for going back to NC and NOT inviting him over to console you!!!

 

~does a little victory dance for immokk~

[Lobe]

Which leads me to this question, that maybe you can input on, are intelligent people more likely to have affairs?

 

Intelligence and human emotion do not operate independently or we'd be able to love away rational thought and think our way out of loving people we know we shouldn't. Obviously, considering the topic at hand, neither of those is true lol.

 

I am a firm believer that anyone, anywhere, at any time is susceptible to anything, given the right set of circumstances. Anytime we are vulnerable and let our guard down - transition, boredom, bereavement, etc. - whether we go looking for something to take away that negative feeling or it falls in our laps, we're likely to experience a lapse in judgment.

 

WH's xAP was fresh out of a breakup and had just lost custody of her kids in court. WH was having a hard time dealing with me pushing him away emotionally and physically because of my self-esteem issues while he was experiencing a mid-life crisis. I was all, no sex and let's eat a cheesecake and he was all let's go do yoga and sign a petition against dairy cows in captivity. When I say it was the perfect storm, it was the perfect storm.

[immokk]

OP you asked about recoiling at the thought of AP, well not only is it logical it's also more common then not. You are still too very close to the situation and buried down in emotions. Once you've gained some emotional distance and your view becomes more clear you will start to really see the crap he did. This will give you some bitterness.

 

Bottom line is good guys don't cheat on the wife for years, they don't string along APs with a promise of a future no matter if he says it or simply allows you to believe it.

 

I think there are a lot of BS on here that would disagree with that assertion.

 

Lobe, above, for example says that she knows her H is a good man who made a horrible, stupid, f***ed up decision. That he can be selfish.

 

Doesn't make him a fundamentally bad person.

 

I hate that we write people off for decisions they make. A society so full of hypocritical comments... if he is not a good person then neither am I. I knew he was married and, thus, I'm a bad person.

 

It can be applied to other scenarios in life too.

 

Those in glass houses and all that.

 

I am not perfect, xMM is not perfect, Jenkins (above), PrivateGal (above) Lobe... not perfect. I'm sure they've all done utterly crappy things in their lives. Doesn't make them, or me, or him, or you... not a good person. Fundamentally.

 

Sorry, I seem to be quite combative today but I react better to open dialogue than throw away, broad brush statements. I don't mean to offend but I think the mere notion that someone does something stupid makes them bad is shocking.

 

Apologies.

[immokk]

Intelligence and human emotion do not operate independently or we'd be able to love away rational thought and think our way out of loving people we know we shouldn't. Obviously, considering the topic at hand, neither of those is true lol.

 

I am a firm believer that anyone, anywhere, at any time is susceptible to anything, given the right set of circumstances. Anytime we are vulnerable and let our guard down - transition, boredom, bereavement, etc. - whether we go looking for something to take away that negative feeling or it falls in our laps, we're likely to experience a lapse in judgment.

 

WH's xAP was fresh out of a breakup and had just lost custody of her kids in court. WH was having a hard time dealing with me pushing him away emotionally and physically because of my self-esteem issues while he was experiencing a mid-life crisis. I was all, no sex and let's eat a cheesecake and he was all let's go do yoga and sign a petition against dairy cows in captivity. When I say it was the perfect storm, it was the perfect storm.

 

I love reading your posts. You're far more eloquent than I am.

 

Perfect storm for us, too, in hindsight. For me a broken marriage at which I had plugged away until I felt lost, my dad died suddenly.

 

For MM, a long standing marriage that had become a convenience for her (this isn't based on what he told me during the A, if it was I'd be questioning it).

 

One day, he might leave. I actually think he will. He's got a lot tied up there and he's a coward but at the end of next year, it won't be tied up but he will still be in the same situation. Because they both never tried to fix it.

 

My presence probably just made his home life bearable. Which is a bit sickening, but I can live with it.

 

Other things I find more difficult. I assume that they, too, shall pass.

 

I know I'm only every one serious nudge away from breaking the NC but I'm determined and the longer I make it the more serious the nudge would have to be.

 

Until there is nothing that would nudge me.

 

I did read your other thread, on the infidelity board, it disturbed me and I'd be absolutely mortified if I had ANY hand in my xMM treating his BW in the same way as you were treated, early on.

[DKT3]

I think there are a lot of BS on here that would disagree with that assertion.

 

Lobe, above, for example says that she knows her H is a good man who made a horrible, stupid, f***ed up decision. That he can be selfish.

 

Doesn't make him a fundamentally bad person.

 

I hate that we write people off for decisions they make. A society so full of hypocritical comments... if he is not a good person then neither am I. I knew he was m byarried and, thus, I'm a bad person.

 

It can be applied to other scenarios in life too.

 

Those in glass houses and all that.

 

I am not perfect, xMM is not perfect, Jenkins (above), PrivateGal (above) Lobe... not perfect. I'm sure they've all done utterly crappy things in their lives. Doesn't make them, or me, or him, or you... not a good person. Fundamentally.

 

Sorry, I seem to be quite combative today but I react better to open dialogue than throw away, broad brush statements. I don't mean to offend but I think the mere notion that someone does something stupid makes them bad is shocking.

 

Apologies.

 

We are made up from our actions, not how we wish people would see us or how we see ourselves. If you do crappy things then you are being a crappy person. Doesn't mean you will always do crappy things.

 

My wife had an affair, just shy of two years during this time through the divorce she was a horrible person. We have since remarried. Before the affair and after we divorced she was and is awesome, so you don't need to explain to me.

 

Btw I'm not easy to offend, and I understand your defenses.

[immokk]

We are made up from our actions, not how we wish people would see us or how we see ourselves. If you do crappy things then you are being a crappy person. Doesn't mean you will always do crappy things.

 

My wife had an affair, just shy of two years during this time through the divorce she was a horrible person. We have since remarried. Before the affair and after we divorced she was and is awesome, so you don't need to explain to me.

 

Btw I'm not easy to offend, and I understand your defenses.

 

Pleased to hear you're not easily offended and pleased to hear that you and your wife are happy.

 

I just disagreed with your post and not because I feel defensive. But because I think it's a flawed argument.

 

Meh *Shrugs*

[Lobe]

I did read your other thread, on the infidelity board, it disturbed me and I'd be absolutely mortified if I had ANY hand in my xMM treating his BW in the same way as you were treated, early on.

 

Hakuna Matata.

 

There's a thing I learned from a friend who's really into martial arts about how it's way harder to push someone over than it is to pull them. The nudges will be easy to resist - it's the pulling you'll need to get limber enough to roll out of and regain your footing.

 

Your sparring partner (aka xMM) has already tried and you're an NC ninja already. You got this.

[JLeaks3]

This is what I mean by unhelpful.

 

I appreciate you have your own story and I have seen your other posts, and see that you see your responses as tough love but... if you read what I say, I am back to NC today and it will remain that way.

 

And my irritation is a good sign because as painful as it is, it shows that I have been making progress and, frankly, I didn't say I thought he owed me anything at all, did I?

 

And although I agree with your assertion that it is not his role to provide me with support, you also don't know my personal support network. You're assuming I have one to help me deal with bereavement, he is aware of that.

 

Do I think he shouldn't have contacted me? Yes. Do I regret messaging back? No.

 

I actually feel a little better for it this afternoon. I feel like that I DID NOT reach for him, despite every fibre of me wanting to when I had the news, shows that I know the moving forward on my own is the correct thing.

 

I have not once suggested I want to go back, just that I think ghosting is very cruel. And it is, despite your opinion on the matter. My reply to him was short, our interaction was brief, and he knows I am moving on.

 

It's my life. I ended the affair. I am working through this.

 

I am on here because I have no support network. I don't mind a little tough love but would prefer it to be in line with the things I actually say. Which are:

 

- I am finding this hard, but am okay.

- I don't and never will believe in any form of ignorance.

- I am using this forum instead of trying to lean on him. I had hoped that was what this is for.

- I, nor he, are blameless in this. But I ended it. Not him. I made that choice. I took my life back, so that I'm struggling and am constantly trying to do the right thing, I think, is okay.

 

Understand that this isn't an attack on you but I do think if you want to give someone tough love, that's okay, but appreciate that so early on, some people need a slightly different approach.

 

I don't expect you to change, nor would I expect that from anyone else, but I would hope that most folk on here would judge each person based on their need.

 

This was my choice. My MM didn't end it. I did. I told him our A was over, Me. I took control and I am still in control.

 

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that I care less or that I have a kind network around me to get through the tough times.

 

Not everyone is like you.

 

There is a scene in Sex and the City where Samantha had gained a lot of weight and her friends asked how it happened. She said she had been avoiding mirrors. And then when her friends pointed out to her that she compared her relationship to Cancer, Carrie said that Samantha finally found in her friends the mirrors she couldn't avoid.

 

Respectfully, I've read so many here from OW who get defensive when people ask them the tough questions. This public forum is like mirrors. You posted on here for support you say, but frankly, when privategal asks you why you even have any open channels left to leave the possibility of contact, it's like holding a mirror up to you and posing a question that may be difficult for you to answer therefore you avoid it. If you ended the affair, why is he able to contact you. To me NC means cutting off ANY AND ALL possible means of contact. Allowing for him to even text you is YOUR CHOICE. Maybe instead of being irritated about him textin you, you should really turn that irritation in yourself for not blocking his number or changing yours completely.

 

The only reason affairs ever continue is because those who cheat get really good at avoiding mirrors.

[Lobe]

Maybe instead of being irritated about him textin you...

 

Oooh, interesting point - how did he get in touch? If you have not blocked his number from your cell phone, I suggest you do that. Also, mark his email as spam and have it directed to the garbage. Also, block him on FB. Also, unlink from LinkedIn. Also, unfollow him on IG...

[DKT3]

Pleased to hear you're not easily offended and pleased to hear that you and your wife are happy.

 

I just disagreed with your post and not because I feel defensive. But because I think it's a flawed argument.

 

Meh *Shrugs*

 

It's a sound argument, but I won't dig into it being slightly off topic...

[immokk]

My android does not allow blocking of text messages. I have diverted calls to answerphone, we're not friends on FB, his e-mails are forwarded to junk and he's blocked on Whatsapp. I used twitter so rarely it never occurred to me but I still get notifications.

 

Sigh.

 

I'm out. Been a really rough couple of days and this was feeling like an environment I could turn to for support and offer support but this isn't helping me.

 

At least PG had the decency to back off when I told her I felt like I was handling it. Now, wish I hadn't logged back in.

 

 

I was starting to feel loads better.

[Lobe]

I was starting to feel loads better.

 

It's going to come in waves. Hang tough like a new kid. Take what you need, ignore the rest.

Edited June 9, 2016 by Lobe
wrong clip

[jenkins95]

The only reason affairs ever continue is because those who cheat get really good at avoiding mirrors.

 

Yes, I got very good at avoiding mirrors while in the A.

 

And now, AFTER the A I find myself avoiding the mirror again......

 

Because I've put 50lb (yes, 50lb or 3 and a half stone) weight on through comfort eating as I struggle through the recovery process!

 

When I'm feeling low or vulnerable, a slice of pizza or a piece of cake provides a few minutes of comfort! Yes, I've swapped cake eating for, well - cake eating!

 

What a pathetic individual I am!

 

Oh well, life goes on.....

 

.,,,, and the diet starts next week

[JLeaks3]

Yes, I got very good at avoiding mirrors while in the A.

 

And now, AFTER the A I find myself avoiding the mirror again......

 

Because I've put 50lb (yes, 50lb or 3 and a half stone) weight on through comfort eating as I struggle through the recovery process!

 

When I'm feeling low or vulnerable, a slice of pizza or a piece of cake provides a few minutes of comfort! Yes, I've swapped cake eating for, well - cake eating!

 

What a pathetic individual I am!

 

Oh well, life goes on.....

 

.,,,, and the diet starts next week

 

Lol! I got a good chuckle out your cake eating comment. Regarding your diet, it's a lifestyle. Just small, incremental and sustainable changes and you'll be successful at taking off the lbs.

 

It's sort of understandable though when you hear that affairs are like addictions. Now you've essentially diverted to a different addiction, which is food. I hope that you can get back on the healthier track, both physically and mentally. I truly mean that. 50 lbs in how long? As I think more in the pain that you are covering up through eating to comfort yourself, I am saddened. I have seen my friend do this through 3 miscarriages and she has just recently been able to peel away those layers of grief that had built up for years.

 

Regarding the mirror analogy, it really wasn't meant to be offensive. It's just an observation. Support is not just patting you on the back and saying, "there there. I hope you feel better soon." Support should also come with inquiry and ultimately ask introspective questions so that you can better understand and really undo the amount of mental gymnastics, as some have eloquently described it before, that people who rationalize bad choices and bad behavior tend to do. It is also support to ask questions that lead one to an enlightened state. A reluctance to answer tough questions to me reflects someone who has not yet reached a proper state for true and sustainable healing. People in affairs dig themselves quite a wicked wormhole. The mirrors and questions and answers to those tough questions help find the way back to the light. Hopefully.

[jenkins95]

Lol! I got a good chuckle out your cake eating comment. Regarding your diet, it's a lifestyle. Just small, incremental and sustainable changes and you'll be successful at taking off the lbs.

 

It's sort of understandable though when you hear that affairs are like addictions. Now you've essentially diverted to a different addiction, which is food. I hope that you can get back on the healthier track, both physically and mentally. I truly mean that. 50 lbs in how long? As I think more in the pain that you are covering up through eating to comfort yourself, I am saddened. I have seen my friend do this through 3 miscarriages and she has just recently been able to peel away those layers of grief that had built up for years.

 

Regarding the mirror analogy, it really wasn't meant to be offensive. It's just an observation. Support is not just patting you on the back and saying, "there there. I hope you feel better soon." Support should also come with inquiry and ultimately ask introspective questions so that you can better understand and really undo the amount of mental gymnastics, as some have eloquently described it before, that people who rationalize bad choices and bad behavior tend to do. It is also support to ask questions that lead one to an enlightened state. A reluctance to answer tough questions to me reflects someone who has not yet reached a proper state for true and sustainable healing. People in affairs dig themselves quite a wicked wormhole. The mirrors and questions and answers to those tough questions help find the way back to the light. Hopefully.

 

Wow, great post JL3, and I think the mirror analogy is a good one!

 

The 50lb has been gained in around 6 months, so roughly 2lb a week, and at the moment it's still going up! But....I feel so much stronger and I think it's time to turn this around. LS is s major crutch for me..... You guys really are amazing... So maybe I'll post my weight loss progress somewhere on here because I know I will get encouragement and support.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend - that is so sad, but great to hear that she is peeling away the grief.

 

Please keep posting - you have a lot of great stuff to share.

 

Sorry to temporarily hijack the thread to talk about my expanding waist line!

[Sabella]

I think you handled the momentary lapse of NC very well. It must feel kind of nice to not be a puddle of emotions afterwards and be slightly indifferent and annoyed. Thats a huge mind shift I imagine, I know it would be for me.

 

You're right, the longer you don't contact him, the easier it gets to not make that mistake and reach out to him.

 

So far, I have resisted. Some days are easier than others. I made the huge mistake of uploading FB app and looking. Stuuuuupid. It appears they are enjoing a lovely vacation together and he seems quite happy. I have ofc deleted the app again, but the damage was done.

 

It's going to be up and down for a bit, just keep riding the wave. I think it will get easier. Fingers crossed

Edited June 10, 2016 by Sabella
brain cramp

[13Hearts]

I never felt it was my place to tell her. And anyway, he told her. When he saw how she reacted, he backpedaled and told her the only thing he could to get out of hot water and that was that I was the pursuer. I don't care what he told her. It's no skin off my nose.

 

If she called me and asked me questions, I'd answer them truthfully. It's not my place to lie for someone else. If I didn't feel comfortable saying something in particular, I'd say so.

 

Some people speak of telling in order to get revenge. If that's how you want to live your life, well, have at it. Some people speak of telling out of the goodness of their own hearts (because they think she's having the wool pulled over her eyes). If that's the case, more power to you.

 

Getting involved with a MM was bad enough for my life. I don't want to be in the middle of someone else's marriage. I don't need the drama.

[HeCantBreakMe]

My android does not allow blocking of text messages. I have diverted calls to answerphone, we're not friends on FB, his e-mails are forwarded to junk and he's blocked on Whatsapp. I used twitter so rarely it never occurred to me but I still get notifications.

 

Sigh.

 

I'm out. Been a really rough couple of days and this was feeling like an environment I could turn to for support and offer support but this isn't helping me.

 

At least PG had the decency to back off when I told her I felt like I was handling it. Now, wish I hadn't logged back in.

 

 

I was starting to feel loads better.

 

Don't leave us. There are lots of tough posters but there are also others reading your story who are HURTING and don't know what to do. They may be lurking and not posting and SOMETHING you say may help them.

 

Immokk I am here to support you through this like I know you are for me. If anything stay on here for me and for those who are seeing your story and working up the courage to deal with their affair the right way. Take what you need from the posters and leave what you don't need. There is some GREAT advice on here from people who have been there and done it and walked before us- listen to them.

 

I hope you are doing okay- you've got this! I posted an update to my last couple of days feel free to read.

[DKT3]

I don't see anything all that harsh, I will say this some times people find themselves here and they have made the situation seem one way then as they tell their story the feedback forces them to at least have their eyes open to how others see that same situation.

 

When many posters first come here (private girl was one. Hope she isn't upset by this) they have the world in la-la land shook and come tumbling back to earth. In threads very much like this I've seen posted feel attacked belittled and leave, only to return and thank those who appeared to be the hardest on them.

 

Remember we have all been involved in this nasty pain filled affair triangle on one of the three points. The advice can be akin to watching a speeding train travel 100 miles on 20 miles of tracks. We can see how behavior and actions will most likely play out. We understand what truth we had/have to face about who we are as opposed to who we thought we were. Same for the situation. Many times we can be shown that mirror that was talked about before, long before we are ready to accept what we see in the reflection.

[Oran]

I'm a little sad reading the latest posts in this thread, as I feel as though a really important point is being lost. Immokk has experienced a bereavement. She is again NC. She did not initiate the exchange. She is experiencing further loss.

[Oran]

I hope you come back to LS Immokk, we're almost NC twins

[jenkins95]

I agree oran. Please come back. We miss you already.

 

Take what you can from the posts that say something to you and ignore the rest.

 

LS is an amazing resource, you just have to train yourself to use it in a way that suits you. We are waiting for you!

[immokk]

I haven't been on here for a few days as I was finding some of the stuff really unhelpful but today I'm in a really bad place. The loss of my friend has really hit me like the proverbial freight train and it's been a week since I initiated NC and 9 days since the A ended. (Although the NC was broken it was brief and I am maintaining that my NC is one week).

 

My story is similar and different to others on here. Each have their own facets but all have the same sort of themes.

 

With the lack of support I have for the end of a relationship that no-one knows about and being surrounded by the grief for my beautiful friend, I can't sort my feelings out and I am in a very bad place.

 

I have no further update. I really don't know what to do.

[Oran]

I haven't been on here for a few days as I was finding some of the stuff really unhelpful but today I'm in a really bad place. The loss of my friend has really hit me like the proverbial freight train and it's been a week since I initiated NC and 9 days since the A ended. (Although the NC was broken it was brief and I am maintaining that my NC is one week).

 

My story is similar and different to others on here. Each have their own facets but all have the same sort of themes.

 

With the lack of support I have for the end of a relationship that no-one knows about and being surrounded by the grief for my beautiful friend, I can't sort my feelings out and I am in a very bad place.

 

I have no further update. I really don't know what to do.

 

I'm so glad you're back NC twin.

 

I have to say, in my own way I can relate to your response to some of the support that is offered here. Firstly, I think some of it is AMAZING, offered by kind, generous, empathetic folks. However, I think what makes this forum so amazing, is also it's Achilles Heel. We are in a position whereby those in the same situation as us can listen and support us, as can those on the other side of the affair equation. Folks can sometimes be challenging; sometimes people are prickly for their own reasons, it's nothing to do with you. Weed out the ones that you think are behaving like this.

 

This is what I've experienced. And initially it felt quite painful, but then I developed more of a sense of which members would be able to help me on my journey.

 

If I had also been in a position such as you, having just experienced a bereavement, those prickly posts would have cut much deeper. And quite frankly I can understand why your xAP contacted you. If a bereavement happened to my xAP, I know I would be tempted to contact them, not to re-instigate anything, but actually, just to let them know I was thinking about them. I think you handled it really well.