Day 3 NC... Distracting Myself

[HeCantBreakMe]

I haven't been on here for a few days as I was finding some of the stuff really unhelpful but today I'm in a really bad place. The loss of my friend has really hit me like the proverbial freight train and it's been a week since I initiated NC and 9 days since the A ended. (Although the NC was broken it was brief and I am maintaining that my NC is one week).

 

My story is similar and different to others on here. Each have their own facets but all have the same sort of themes.

 

With the lack of support I have for the end of a relationship that no-one knows about and being surrounded by the grief for my beautiful friend, I can't sort my feelings out and I am in a very bad place.

 

I have no further update. I really don't know what to do.

 

Is there a way to PM on this board? I would really like to give you my personal email. I would really like to be there to support you through this. I feel very blessed that i have a great support team (my mom and sister) who know everything and have been everything to me. Is there anyway to PM because you need some support- not just on here to get you through this.

[Satu]

snip

 

I spent the night wrapped up in his arms sobbing (both of us).

 

 

You have to let yourself fall into your own arms.

 

Be there 100% for yourself; in a totally loving relationship.

 

Everything we experience with other people has roots in the relationship we have with ourselves.

 

When get that relationship sorted out, our relationships with others are simple and full of joy.

 

You could call it a return to innocence.

 

 

Take care.

[Lobe]

With the lack of support I have for the end of a relationship that no-one knows about and being surrounded by the grief for my beautiful friend, I can't sort my feelings out and I am in a very bad place.

 

I think that's got to be one of the hardest things about ending an A - even if you have a handful of people who know, you're not going to get a lot of sympathy for being caught up in an affair IRL. I outed a former friend of mine for cheating on her H. I had her in one ear talking about her exciting new man, and him in the other asking what he had done wrong and what he could do to save his marriage. I had zero sympathy for WW and I asked not to be introduced to Shiny Plaything, who lasted all of 7-8 months before he was off in the sunset. In retrospect I suppose I could have found a way to be supportive of her without condoning the A, but I was angry.

 

immokk, I know we aren't there to go fire a jog or play mahjong with you or give you hugs while you go through this, but consider is better than turning inward. We are here. We are listening. We care.

[loveisanaction]

Immokk...Don't get upset or run when someone gives you tough love advice. Not everybody gives the 'hugs' and 'hang in there advice', some people give it to you straight and you should have an open mind to all of them.

 

If i see someone placing their hand into an open fire i will not say "Oh! Honey, don't do that sweetie you'll get hurt." I could use those words if the person was trying to drink 3 day old milk but not when they are having an affair, considering one or trying to get out of one.

 

There are some situations where you can baby a person but when it comes to affairs, you are not just hurting and damaging yourself you are hurting, damaging and inflicting life long wounds on families, friends and the people around you. That is not the time to sing Rock-a-by-baby. That's the time to give sound, critic, firm and strong advice.

Edited June 11, 2016 by loveisanaction
Grammatical Error

[immokk]

Immokk...Don't get upset or run when someone gives you tough love advice. Not everybody gives the 'hugs' and 'hang in there advice', some people give it to you straight and you should have an open mind to all of them.

 

If i see someone placing their hand into an open fire i will not say "Oh! Honey, don't do that sweetie you'll get hurt." I could use those words if the person was trying to drink 3 day old milk but not when they are having an affair, considering one or trying to get out of one.

 

There are some situations where you can baby a person but when it comes to affairs, you are not just hurting and damaging yourself you are hurting, damaging and inflicting life long wounds on families, friends and the people around you. That is not the time to sing Rock-a-by-baby. That's the time to give sound, critic, firm and strong advice.

 

Just in case I didn't make myself clear, as it seems I did not, this is not a method that works with me. It just isn't.

 

I am recognising that I am particularly fragile. I have had almost the worst week of my life; making the decision to end the A was actually easy. Doing it and living with it is much harder. On Wednesday my (very young) friend past away after a (shockingly, devastatingly short) battle with cancer. That these two life events have happened, quite literally, within days of each other, has me somewhat teetering. And yet I still fight my heart/ head conflict.

 

I am still NC.

 

It is hurting me but I know it is right. I know it will only hurt me further if I go back.

 

I have no doubt that being out of the A is the right thing. Does not mean it's easy.

 

Everyone, every single person, is different and thus each person will appreciate a different approach. If someone cannot adapt their approach or accept when their usual approach is not for the best, then they should consider not 'helping'.

[immokk]

I think that's got to be one of the hardest things about ending an A - even if you have a handful of people who know, you're not going to get a lot of sympathy for being caught up in an affair IRL. I outed a former friend of mine for cheating on her H. I had her in one ear talking about her exciting new man, and him in the other asking what he had done wrong and what he could do to save his marriage. I had zero sympathy for WW and I asked not to be introduced to Shiny Plaything, who lasted all of 7-8 months before he was off in the sunset. In retrospect I suppose I could have found a way to be supportive of her without condoning the A, but I was angry.

 

immokk, I know we aren't there to go fire a jog or play mahjong with you or give you hugs while you go through this, but consider is better than turning inward. We are here. We are listening. We care.

 

Thank you, I appreciate it.

 

I managed to get myself out and saw a friend (who isn't really a friend, as such, one of those people you go out with when everyone else is busy. Worth noting, this is a mutual thing) and it did me some good to be out.

 

But it is increasingly difficult that no-one knows.

 

But still, I have come back.

 

As I say above, I recognise that a relapse might be easy here. But it's not what I want.

 

The pain comes in waves. Of everything that is happening right now.

[immokk]

I'm so glad you're back NC twin.

 

I have to say, in my own way I can relate to your response to some of the support that is offered here. Firstly, I think some of it is AMAZING, offered by kind, generous, empathetic folks. However, I think what makes this forum so amazing, is also it's Achilles Heel. We are in a position whereby those in the same situation as us can listen and support us, as can those on the other side of the affair equation. Folks can sometimes be challenging; sometimes people are prickly for their own reasons, it's nothing to do with you. Weed out the ones that you think are behaving like this.

 

This is what I've experienced. And initially it felt quite painful, but then I developed more of a sense of which members would be able to help me on my journey.

 

If I had also been in a position such as you, having just experienced a bereavement, those prickly posts would have cut much deeper. And quite frankly I can understand why your xAP contacted you. If a bereavement happened to my xAP, I know I would be tempted to contact them, not to re-instigate anything, but actually, just to let them know I was thinking about them. I think you handled it really well.

 

Thank you.

 

I really am trying.

[immokk]

Since I got home I made the decision to write a handwritten letter to the xMM (Don't panic, read one!).

 

I read somewhere that writing your thoughts down and then burning them is therapeutic. So that's what I did.

 

I have found it a little cathartic.

 

But is also reminded me that I used to love to write. Fiction, short stories.

 

So, I'm going to try not to have an emotional breakdown today and perhaps try to use writing as my distraction...

[immokk]

Is there a way to PM on this board? I would really like to give you my personal email. I would really like to be there to support you through this. I feel very blessed that i have a great support team (my mom and sister) who know everything and have been everything to me. Is there anyway to PM because you need some support- not just on here to get you through this.

 

Hi, I really, really appreciate this and God knows I could use it.

 

The only way to PM, I believe is to pay for membership or to be an established member (not sure how long this takes). I have PM as I thought this was such a good idea, I opted for the cheap and short membership.

[elaine567]

But is also reminded me that I used to love to write. Fiction, short stories.

 

So, I'm going to try not to have an emotional breakdown today and perhaps try to use writing as my distraction...

 

Such a good idea, all the best writers/poets/playwrights/song writers have used their own emotions, tragedies and experiences to inspire their output.

[Lobe]

Since I got home I made the decision to write a handwritten letter to the xMM (Don't panic, read one!).

 

I read somewhere that writing your thoughts down and then burning them is therapeutic. So that's what I did.

 

I have found it a little cathartic.

 

But is also reminded me that I used to love to write. Fiction, short stories.

 

So, I'm going to try not to have an emotional breakdown today and perhaps try to use writing as my distraction...

 

Awwww yeah! Want some journalling exercises? My IC gave me some wicked ones...

[ShatteredLady]

I think doing something creative can be a wonderful therapy. I started a thread on Art Journaling & other ideas a little while ago. It got moved but it's still around somewhere.

 

I've been talking in another thread about being hit by so very, very many different emotionally devastating things at the same time. It does make EVERYTHING harder (does for me anyway). Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in agony & I've sunk so deep that I can't even focus anymore.

 

I just wanted to say that I know exactly what you mean about being to fragile. There have been times that I've come here because I'm so lost & so alone, just needing some form of human contact & understanding. It's not always just about asking questions & obeying the answers. Life is so complicated.

 

Huge hugs.

 

This too shall pass.

[immokk]

Lobe : I would definitely like some writing exercises. It's 11:30 pm here and I can't sleep so I'm trying to, once again, occupy my mind. I think this is going to be my life for quite a while so anything you can give, I will happily take.

 

Elaine : Thank you. I think you're right and, actually, it's one of things I was always fairly good at. I stopped when I studied for my masters degree whilst working full time. I never picked it back up again.

 

ShatteredLady : You know, I'm known as such a 'coper'. When my dad died, it looked to the whole world like I was pushing through just fine but I was trying to be strong for everyone else. MM was the one that helped drag me through it. I don't have that release anymore and so I am struggling.

 

I think, when lots of things happen at the same time, our brains simply don't know which to deal with and that is where I am at right now.

 

I am trying to do things to help myself but I have felt genuinely crushed and very alone. I feel like my friend deserves SO much more of my energy than MM but I am struggling to separate the two at the moment.

 

Thank you for all of everyone's words of support. It would be easy to slip; because of familiarity, not because I want to. But I keep telling myself 'Remember how it made you feel, remember why you ended, remember the hundreds of reasons it isn't right.'

 

and I do my best to refocus... but as discussed, as many of the people on here have found, there is no support around you (always) to deal with this. And so sometimes you have nowhere to turn but inwards, and that isn't a good place to be.

 

I actually wake having palpitations and I've lost 8 lbs in a week

 

But I can do this. I hope.

[Lobe]

My first journal exercise from my headshrinker was to write about my anger and pain, in detail. How much I cried, how often, and for how long, what my body felt like, what my appetite was like, what time of day was hardest, what set me off. She said use a thesaurus and a dictionary and use words that were as accurate and descriptive as possible.

 

The point of this exercise, she said, was to honour my pain and anger, and to give me a starting point to look back on as I grew stronger and healed.

 

The second journal exercise was writing letters, to my WH and the OW. The trick was, they were advice letters. Dear WH/OW, if you were my BFF, here's the advice id give you. This was the first huge leap towards healing and forgiveness that I made. I was forced to find compassion beneath my anger, for both the OW and my WH, and it defused a lot of my self-pity by forcing me to put my biases aside and humanize the monsters they were to me in those first weeks after d-day. I imagine the same exercise would work writing letters to AP and BS.

 

There was one other one she gave me is an ongoing one - a gratitude journal. 3 things each day that I am grateful for. The first several days I had a hard time finding things to be thankful for. Some days the things I found were really superficial. But eventually the list got broader, deeper, more diverse and complex... sometimes it's good to remind ourselves that it's not all bad, even when it seems like it is.

 

Big hugs, happy writing!!!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Immokk - I've been following your story, and I'm glad you came back.

 

I really sorry for your loss.

 

You are doing the right thing by ending the A, and going NC. And, that brief break of NC, I think you handled it beautifully, with full awareness of your actions. It is understandable because, from your posts your xMM and you were friends first before everything moved towards and reached PA.

 

Ending the A and going NC is devastating and pain is excruciating. I know how you feel! In the beginning, I was a total mess with uncontrollable attacks of crying, I couldn't sleep at all (still have nights when I can't), and quite frankly don't know how I got through days at work without making some major mistake. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, and at moments felt real, physical pain.

 

Immokk - it does get better. It's slow and almost invisible progress, but every single day of staying NC changes you. Every moment of pain you go through in the aftermath gives you more strength. I didn't realize that in the beginning. When I ran into my exMM at the store parking lot a month after the break up and he came to my place that same night wanting to restart the affair, I could not believe myself how determined I was to say - No. Although it hurt Like hell after he left that night, I also that night for the first time started to believe in myself that I can get through this.

 

What works for me? I try to keep myself as busy as possible, trying to sufficiently exhaust myself during the day so that in the evening I just crush to bed. I started going to the gym every evening, joined some meetup groups and picked up some old hobbies and interests, I've taken road trips with friends...or, just picking up some new interests. I created a list of things/experiences I want to do over the next few months and I keep updating it, I write my thoughts not necessarily in form of letters to exMM, just what I feel like writing at the moment....all those things have helped me tremendously on gaining clarity and perspective. Be creative and find what works for you!

 

LS is a great place, and in my darkest moments I come and post here. Anything that will take me off the ledge. And, support here has been great! Yes, I did received some words of 'tough love' as we call it. Most of it was eye-opening and made me think and reflect. Some of it hurt, and it hurt a lot. All of it made me think about my actions. One thing I can tell you is when I first read some of the 'tough love' advice and questions especially in the first few weeks after ending the A....holly Molly, it hurt so much! Interestingly enough, when I go back and read those words now, I nod and say - yeap, I deserved it or should've asked myself that question.

 

What I'm trying to say is, you have to find your own path forward and strength within yourself to get to better and happier place. We are here to help you!

 

Hugs!!! Stay strong!

[yodelwithyu]

Immokk,

 

I am sorry that you are finding a tough time on LS and are suffering through so many things at once. I am sorry for you loss. I was told my ovaries were failing within a week or two of starting NC. Dealing with NC is brutal, but another loss on the heels of it was quite unbearable. I am a very sensitive person, so if I was getting tough love at the point in my life where you are right now, I think I probably wouldn't have come back, and would have internalized it hardcore. I am glad you are here. People do care, I promise. Otherwise it would have been just you posting with no replies. Just wanted to drop by and give you a virtual hug. Man, did I need them at that time.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Xoxo

[Oran]

Immokk, I was so impressed when you posted about writing and journaling. How's it going?

[immokk]

Thank you to everyone for your support.

 

I just wanted to check in.

 

I'm super busy at work, which is just as well, because a well meaning mutual friend (who has NO idea of the A) decided she would show me some of the the posts he's put on twitter this week and said she was worried about him.

 

Wondered if she should check in.

 

It hurt me, seeing them, but I managed to shrug it off and told her to do what she thought was best and changed the subject.

 

I'm on day 11. I'm still struggling.

[Oran]

Thank you to everyone for your support.

 

I just wanted to check in.

 

I'm super busy at work, which is just as well, because a well meaning mutual friend (who has NO idea of the A) decided she would show me some of the the posts he's put on twitter this week and said she was worried about him.

 

Wondered if she should check in.

 

It hurt me, seeing them, but I managed to shrug it off and told her to do what she thought was best and changed the subject.

 

I'm on day 11. I'm still struggling.

Day 11, well done you. I try to think of each day as a step further away from my exAP, but it is difficult training yourself to respond to not reach out to that person, and painful to hear vicariously that they are struggling. But I believe that you are doing the right thing. Busy is good. Hope you're also being kind to yourself.

 

Take care immokk, always wishing you strength for the NC and reclaiming your life.

[Lobe]

It hurt me, seeing them, but I managed to shrug it off and told her to do what she thought was best and changed the subject.

 

Don't his let words manipulate you. You're stronger than that. You have too much self-respect and too much potential to hold yourself back.

 

Keep on trucking. I'm proud of you.

[Sabella]

I know you are still hurting and it's still a big struggle...but you are doing really well! Keep it up one hour/day at a time. (((Big hugs)))

[immokk]

I know you are still hurting and it's still a big struggle...but you are doing really well! Keep it up one hour/day at a time. (((Big hugs)))

 

Thank you for this.

 

Still going but you're right,

 

I read on another thread, can't remember which, that we give too much time to the xMM or xMW and allow them to live rent free in our heads but... getting out of that is easier said than done. Especially as last week was awful.

[immokk]

Don't his let words manipulate you. You're stronger than that. You have too much self-respect and too much potential to hold yourself back.

 

Keep on trucking. I'm proud of you.

 

I suspect they were aimed at manipulation, they were certainly aimed at me. I'm trying to find a way to tell my friend I'd prefer not to hear about him but have no idea how to do so without getting questions.

 

Still going...

 

I know these are difficult times for you too but, honestly, you have been particularly helpful on here. I could easily fall into a little self loathing (In fact, I'm almost positive I will, at some stage) but I don't think that would do me much good, at this stage.

 

Your posts, from such incredible understanding, from the other side... are useful, supportive and eloquent.

[immokk]

Day 11, well done you. I try to think of each day as a step further away from my exAP, but it is difficult training yourself to respond to not reach out to that person, and painful to hear vicariously that they are struggling. But I believe that you are doing the right thing. Busy is good. Hope you're also being kind to yourself.

 

Take care immokk, always wishing you strength for the NC and reclaiming your life.

 

Thank you, NC twin

 

Feeling not too bad today but I'm telling you, it hits me in waves. My friend's funeral is on Monday afternoon. I'm hoping that once I'm through that life will feel a little easier.

 

And I won't miss his friendship so much.

 

Although, on a plus, for the first time I felt like I'd like to punch him in the face yesterday. A memory, and it was brief, but that's some sort of progress, I think? Ha.

[immokk]

Incidentally, I think I will have some writing time tonight so I will be having a go at one of Lobes exercises. While I was going through some (really old) files recently I found this excerpt, that I had written (would you believe) based on a clip of an advert I saw years ago and years and years ago. I was very young when I wrote this... not experienced any form of heart break etc.

 

I wonder where these things come from.

 

Seems I've always been a bit angsty!

 

"

 

And now she was stuck in his mind and there was simply no shaking the image of her.

 

That old saying, what was it, that the eyes were the window to the soul. Who had said that? Maybe Shakespeare, he thought, but he didn’t know.

 

But since he had known her he had finally understood the words. Whenever she smiled and the glow reached her eyes, they twinkled with life and he could almost see inside her. He saw her happiness, her love; he saw her and for him it slowly became everything.

 

He would have given anything to see that sparkle, the brightness that lit her eyes and face when she smiled. To make her happy, to make her laugh, that was what he had become about. And in her laughter, in her love, he had discovered himself. Had discovered the hidden him, the parts of him that he didn’t even know existed, the ions that had hidden in the crevices of his being.

 

She had teased them out.

 

Had snuck underneath his armour and drawn out the real him.

At first, he had been afraid of her. He admitted it. She was a mystery, sometimes, and for all the sincerity she offered he always felt as though there was a life that she held back, kept buried. And yet, he fell.

 

Hard.

 

She was a contradiction; a wonderful, stunning contradiction. On the surface, the part of her that all others saw, she was strong, hard and confident. A woman who knew herself, her ambitions, her future and where she had come from. Underneath, and to him, she was striking, gentle, affectionate and full of compassion. She was frightening but only because of what she meant to him, what she could entice from him.

 

She was frightening because of the way he loved her.

 

He wanted to blame her for that, wanted to blame her for making him love her, as though she controlled his emotions. It was her fault that she was so beautiful, so bright and that he was so drawn to her.

 

Absurdly, he’d fought it at first. Fought it for a long time. In hindsight, he had known all along, Even when he had not loved her, he just knew that he would, he knew that she would take his heart and he knew that once that happened, he might never get it back. So, he had fought it. He had wanted to pretend that it was not happening. Told himself, told her, told anyone that would listen; “I don’t love her.”

 

But he did. He loved her then, maybe from the very start, and he loved her now, even at the end.

 

"

 

Sharing here because... I'm distracting myself until my conference call.

 

As Oran said yesterday "Post happy"