Seeing a pattern--my story

[ladydesigner]

First of all, your xMM is a monster. He begged you to get an abortion while hiding under the "Christian umbrella". He's scum. Make sure you never forget that.

You're counselor is right. She's holding you to the fire and accountable for your actions. However, at this moment it might not be the right time. You might need someone who's a little more compassionate.

 

The religious umbrella just kills me in these A's that is the utmost in hypocrisy!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Geez everyone I don't feel like I'm trying to just play victim and place blame on others, but I came here for support. I feel sick with myself and angry with my own actions. I agree I'm 50% responsible for the A and 100% for what I did to my H.

 

My A consumed me for over a year. Okay so working on my M should be a priority before getting over the A. I haven't spoken or seen my H in weeks so that is kind of hard to work on my M at the moment.

 

I am grieving the loss of someone I thought was my best friend, and someone whom I loved and do still love. Even though what has happened is disgusting and makes me sick to my stomach, I can't just change how I feel quickly. I've never been through something like this before.

 

One of the reasons why I'm here is to figure out the why of what I did and to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

There are people on these boards who will be hard on you, trust me I am feeling it today too. Some do it because they do not want to see you make the same mistakes they did, been there done it mentality. Others do it because they have been BS and want you to feel the other side of the affair for a moment. Which, in all honesty, we should. Some are tough because they think tough love is what is needed to wake up AP's from their fog so to speak. And others, are just mean and seeking somewhere to take their anger out.

 

On my posts, all of the responses have been helpful. Some have been tough pills to swallow but the responses have been helpful. Take out of the responses what you can/need and leave the rest where they are.

 

Today is a tough day for me too, but we just have to keep fighting. Please do not stop telling your story I continue and tell mine because i hope that if i can help just one person through their affair with something I said then all of the backlash and harsh words I get are worth it.

[maggy1502]

There are people on these boards who will be hard on you, trust me I am feeling it today too. Some do it because they do not want to see you make the same mistakes they did, been there done it mentality. Others do it because they have been BS and want you to feel the other side of the affair for a moment. Which, in all honesty, we should. Some are tough because they think tough love is what is needed to wake up AP's from their fog so to speak. And others, are just mean and seeking somewhere to take their anger out.

 

On my posts, all of the responses have been helpful. Some have been tough pills to swallow but the responses have been helpful. Take out of the responses what you can/need and leave the rest where they are.

 

Today is a tough day for me too, but we just have to keep fighting. Please do not stop telling your story I continue and tell mine because i hope that if i can help just one person through their affair with something I said then all of the backlash and harsh words I get are worth it.

 

 

I am appreciative of people taking the time to write on my post. But you're right some of the posts are hard to swallow. I will write more later.

[OneLov]

Hello fellow LSers! I lurked for a while, but officially joined last week.

 

I have read so many inspiring posts and advice here. So I decided to post my situation. Going to try and not ramble too much!

 

I am a MW- 2 children. Married 9 years. After having my daughter I was in a deep depression. She had medical issues among other life situations.

 

FF 15 months. We had moved. I started AD. Made plans to go back to school. Life was starting to look up. Couple months later I met MM. I met him around the time my AD were taking effect. He is older. 20 years. I was given attention by him. He pretty much said from the get go he was just looking for a friend. He initiated our A. Slowly kept 'convincing' me to hug him, kiss him etc. Then before I knew it I was sucked in. He in an 'unhappy' status quo marriage. My M could use some help, but was not awful in my mind. (at the time)

 

Anyways, our EA and PA lasted 15 months until DD.

 

Prior to DD, I had tried to break from the A many times. We would go NC, then always end up reconnecting saying how much we both couldn't live without the other. We had an argument one night and he yelled out that he had told me he wasn't leaving his wife. I took that as a cue that this was a good time to get out. This A was never going to go anywhere, yet somehow he always convinced me that we needed each other. After that night mentioned above, we went into NC. Only lasted a week. We reunited, then a couple weeks later I was still in the same situation--wanting to get out. I finally gathered the courage to cut ties---or so I thought. I was going to commit myself to my family. Focus on my kids, husband, school etc.

 

A few days after NC, I got a positive pregnancy test. Was AP's. H has had a vasectomy and was gone during that time. I was shaken up, contacted AP told him I needed to talk to him. He was hesitant since I had broken things off a few days prior and said it would be hurtful to see me. I said it was important. We met. I told him about pregnancy. He knew immediately it was his. We parted. He texted me off and on that day and asked what my plans were. I was literally in shock still. Like numb. Didn't have any emotions on the severity of the situation. Long story short-he convinced me to abort. Like worst decision of my life. He told me he would kill himself if I didn't. I felt like my life had spiraled out of control. I feel he was just manipulating me into doing what he wanted so the A was not discovered.

 

Time went by--I was so disgusted with myself and him for what we had done. The A, the termination, everything. Like what had I done to my life? I already go to IC as part of my ADHD treatment, so I have already spoken to her about everything.

 

A month after all the drama mentioned before, we reconciled. How stupid right? I was out walking and he was driving by.(we live close to each other) We had been in NC. Well he had been texting me with really mushy stuff, but I wasn't responding. He stopped and we talked. Our chemistry was still very much there. He came to my house, we begged me to take him back, to love him, blah blah blah. Asked me if I was able to just forget him and move on with my life. Of course not. We had sex that day (with protection). I had shared the most intimate details with this man over the course of our A. We both considered each other best friends. I have never had so much fun with him. Laughing uncontrollably, being silly. We were head over heels 'in love' (A fog apparently) Pretty much what everyone else says on this message board as far as the characteristics of the AP/MM, he was it. Said all the right things, knew just how to touch me, hold me, make me feel so loved---yet so empty as he always went home to his W.

 

Our reconciliation only lasted two days, when his BS stole his phone while he was texting me. She started texting me as if it was him. Then called me. I answered stupidly. She was demanding to know who I was and why I was contacting her husband. I was in shock.

 

He had deleted most of the texts so she only saw him calling me babe and that's about it. So he denied everything to her. I went by his house a couple days later when I knew he would be leaving for work. I asked what the heck happened. He said that he needed to give it time and then we would part ways. Um what? Even though I was done 6 weeks prior, my hormones were all screwed up and I felt more attached to him than ever.

 

BS confronted me on text and facebook saying she knew who I was and would be telling my H about us talking. She demanded to know details, I didn't tell her anything. Didn't know what he had told her at that point. I knew he threw me under the bus though due to something she said.

 

Not much else has happened. That was four weeks ago. Been in NC since. Have seen him driving a couple times. We were at a four way and he totally looked the other way. Obv they are going to try and reconcile. She had me blocked on FB, but recently unblocked me. (Idk why????) I have seen posts of them and have now stopped looking.

 

I know that all of this happening is for the best. I wanted out. I wanted the A to be over. I didn't want to be the OW. There was a time I prob would have left my H for him. It just blows my mind how one day he is literally on his knees crying for me to take him back, and a few days later and over the course of the next month is acting like I don't exist and we are strangers. It has torn me apart. My H is gone for work. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights. I think what hurts the most is that what I thought was so real was all fake. I am trying to work through the pain and grieve the loss so that I can move on. I feel like I was cheated by a con artist. I wish I had come on this site like this time last year.

 

Bring on the input, and tough love! I just feel so screwed up. Like how did I get into this sick situation, and why am I so addicted to this man when clearly he never had intentions to leave his W. I had more self-worth than this.

 

If you read this far, thank you.

 

You are suffering from an ambiguous loss (AL). ALs, colloquially known as "mind-f***s", are a form of complicated grief. With ALs, you don't "move on; you learn how to "live with" the pain. It is good that you are already in therapy. Your therapist will help you process your ambivalence.

[sandylee1]

Why do you regret the termination? Do you want a permanent reminder of him. Him saying he'd kill himself if you had the baby was telling you it would ruin his life. You should have paid closer attention,.but were so deep in the fantasy unfortunately.

 

He didn't want the baby and he was very clear he wasn't leaving his wife. He had to put the blame on you to save his marriage. That's called saving your a**.

 

I'm not sure why any of his actions have suprised you really. If there was a child, then he wouldn't be able to deny you like this. That's why he kept deleting his texts. He didn't want to get caught, but wanted to continue the A.

 

Now you say he's treated his family badly... how so? Any worse than you and your family.

 

One truth was him not leaving his wife for you. No future faking.

 

You've both done wrong.

 

Now what do you want to do with yourself and your marriage?

 

If you don't love your husband... then let him find a woman who does. He's been exposed to Std's.

[Got it]

No one ever needs to know why.

 

That's the wrong question... Ask yourself HOW can I NEVER do that again!

 

Then do that. Contrary action? Yep! If the action you've been doing isn't decent, kind or living then start doing YOUR actions differently!

 

It IS as simple as that.

 

Stop making excuses by making it more complicated.

 

I disagree. Why you think/feel/do is very important to know especially in something like this. Just saying, don't do again is like the difference between a dry drunk and a recovering alcoholic. How is important to go after the tactical issues of making sure one isn't in a situation that isn't healthy for them, but why they got there/okayed it is far more important.

 

So sure, one can say, I won't be with the opposite sex alone, I won't discuss personal items with the opposite sex, I won't, etc etc. but that is only the tip of the iceberg and until you can get to how you went down the first slippery slope you are leaving the door open to fall down the rabbit hole again.

[AlwaysGrowing]

No one ever needs to know why.

 

That's the wrong question... Ask yourself HOW can I NEVER do that again!

 

Then do that. Contrary action? Yep! If the action you've been doing isn't decent, kind or living then start doing YOUR actions differently!

 

It IS as simple as that.

 

Stop making excuses by making it more complicated.

 

If you don't know why you do something how would one know where to put their focus/resources on not doing it?

 

Somethings are buried deep inside our psyche, often it takes awhile to find exactly where it is rooted. When we can understand ourselves better, how we tick and why....we can catch ourselves sooner and course correct. It's called self-awareness.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Asking "why?" Keep any person stuck in the same place - they can figure out why later.

 

Doing contrary action automatically brings a new result. It is action. Asking why is not action; it's inaction and produces nothing that changes.

 

The "why?" Answers itself later - after opposite action has been achieved. It becomes more obvious after new behavior is consistent.

 

The new result may or may not be any healthier than before.

 

Our actions should come from a place of understanding within us...for those that do not understand themselves it is vital for them to be steering the ship from the viewpoint of knowledge and understanding. They then can actually have a direction, a course that they chart(have tools),navigate and course correct from....and not just blindly head in the opposite direction on an ocean of choices and directions.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Maggy how are you doing? Are you hanging in there? Would love to hear from you.

[Friskyone4u]

Maggy,

 

People spend a long time, many times futile, trying to pinpoint the "why". Probably a bunch of contributing factors.

But I am going to tell you why you are being told to confess it ALL now and then try to re build your marriage if you want to and your husband gives you that chance.

Right now, this so called "fog" you are in is kept alive because so far you have gotten away with it, with no consequences, and therefore despite what you say about being disgusted with it all, there is still the option of again as many times before you can restart this affair. It is hard to give that up when you do not have to clearly make the choice of ending it FOREVER , or losing your husband because he knows what you have been doing.

You, as some have said, are sitting on a time bomb, because this OBS knows something ( and you have no idea when she will know more). That means you are going to be under this stress of not knowing when the hammer will drop, and if you do much reading on the subject you will find two things

(1) long term affairs by women are less likely to reconcile successfully

(2) those that confess rather than get caught have a better chance to save the marriage.

I think if you buy some of the more well known infidelity books you will find those statements verified by the experts, if there are any experts on this subject.

You are in a small space, with constant access to this OM. You should tell your husband the truth, all of it, and do it before you have an even bigger mountain to climb.

And if you tell him, understand, many times it is not the physical betrayal that ends the marriage, but rather the continued lying and trickle truth done to try to manage the outcome.

[maggy1502]

Maggy how are you doing? Are you hanging in there? Would love to hear from you.

 

Good morning! I am doing decent. I'm sitting here waiting for my IC session. The past couple days I've been swallowing the information given here and also trying to keep myself as busy as possible. The weather has been nice so I have been taking advantage of that. Went kayaking and spending time w my kiddos.

 

I feel the fog is pretty much cleared.(but then again reading other's comments, maybe not?) I think coming here and sharing my story actually helped as part of the healing process and moving on with my life. I know that I do not want to have any sort of relationship with xMM. Since its been over a month since contact I feel time is helping.

 

That's all for now I'll check back in later.

 

HeCantBreakMe- how are you doing?

[HeCantBreakMe]

Good morning! I am doing decent. I'm sitting here waiting for my IC session. The past couple days I've been swallowing the information given here and also trying to keep myself as busy as possible. The weather has been nice so I have been taking advantage of that. Went kayaking and spending time w my kiddos.

 

I feel the fog is pretty much cleared.(but then again reading other's comments, maybe not?) I think coming here and sharing my story actually helped as part of the healing process and moving on with my life. I know that I do not want to have any sort of relationship with xMM. Since its been over a month since contact I feel time is helping.

 

That's all for now I'll check back in later.

 

HeCantBreakMe- how are you doing?

 

I am happy to hear you are doing decent- that to me is better than crappy, and that you are staying busy.

 

I made it to 20 days of NC yesterday and I have great days and I have crappy days. It is a rollarcoaster most of which is caused by having to see him at work- but I deal. I am enjoying lunches by myself reading my book and taking time to think - it helps. I also realized today that NC sucks with the good days and the bad days but that is how my affair was lol so why not keep moving away from it?!

 

Stay strong. So happy to hear the affair fog is parting. I am guessing we will continue having highs and lows for awhile but at least we are not being their emotional kibble as I have seen lobe put it.

[13Hearts]

It happened. Acknowledge it, accept it, and let it go. You have wasted enough time on this loser, don't you think? He took you for a ride. You had some fun, but you got too emotionally attached. Now you need to get emotionally unattached so you don't fall back into the trap again.

 

It's like they're sociopaths. No understanding of or concern for what it feels like to get taken for a ride this way. They also come up with all manner of excuses, and whoa-is-me, sob stories. Here's the thing: You know how to deal with this. You already have the self-understanding to get yourself over this. It's a matter of attention. Men want us to devote all of our attention to them. They have such difficulty not getting attention that when their spouse or SO gives birth to their own child, they all too often have affairs while the child is just an infant. What is your best course of action when it comes to where you place your attention? Because you know darn well you don't have enough to devote to the soul-sucking, life-controlling affair partner. It's you or him. That's how you've gotta look at it. You don't have enough to spare and this guy is going to drive you nuts AND ruin your life.

 

It's a fight. Are you going to let him win?

[HeCantBreakMe]

It happened. Acknowledge it, accept it, and let it go. You have wasted enough time on this loser, don't you think? He took you for a ride. You had some fun, but you got too emotionally attached. Now you need to get emotionally unattached so you don't fall back into the trap again.

 

It's like they're sociopaths. No understanding of or concern for what it feels like to get taken for a ride this way. They also come up with all manner of excuses, and whoa-is-me, sob stories. Here's the thing: You know how to deal with this. You already have the self-understanding to get yourself over this. It's a matter of attention. Men want us to devote all of our attention to them. They have such difficulty not getting attention that when their spouse or SO gives birth to their own child, they all too often have affairs while the child is just an infant. What is your best course of action when it comes to where you place your attention? Because you know darn well you don't have enough to devote to the soul-sucking, life-controlling affair partner. It's you or him. That's how you've gotta look at it. You don't have enough to spare and this guy is going to drive you nuts AND ruin your life.

 

It's a fight. Are you going to let him win?

 

^^^^^^ I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth because you just described where my exMM was at in his life when we started our affair. Thank you for putting it into perspective for me it is quite apparent he was lacking attention from wifey and i so nicely obliged giving him that. :sick:

[HeCantBreakMe]

Maggy how are you doing lately? Haven't seen you on here in a while.

[maggy1502]

Hello HCBM! I haven't popped in here for a while. My H actually made it home unexpectedly and I have family in town. That is helping huge with keeping my mind busy.

 

Compared to early last week when I posted initially, I am doing SO much better. It's been such a blessing bc now I feel like it's actually in the past and not something that could rekindle if we ran into each other. (Like we did so many times) I actually saw xMM yesterday driving and I didn't even flinch/heart rate didn't flutter like it usually does. I know this will be a long road to recovery, but it seems to be going in the right direction.

 

Side note: I have xMM and his W blocked from my phone but I went to my cell detailed billing and saw that BS tried texting me several times last month after

our last contact. No idea of the content nor do I care, so I consider that a step in the right direction.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hello HCBM! I haven't popped in here for a while. My H actually made it home unexpectedly and I have family in town. That is helping huge with keeping my mind busy.

 

Compared to early last week when I posted initially, I am doing SO much better. It's been such a blessing bc now I feel like it's actually in the past and not something that could rekindle if we ran into each other. (Like we did so many times) I actually saw xMM yesterday driving and I didn't even flinch/heart rate didn't flutter like it usually does. I know this will be a long road to recovery, but it seems to be going in the right direction.

 

Side note: I have xMM and his W blocked from my phone but I went to my cell detailed billing and saw that BS tried texting me several times last month after

our last contact. No idea of the content nor do I care, so I consider that a step in the right direction.

 

Aww they never stop do they? I am doing so much better. I had a sort of set back yesterday but I think it actually ended up moving me forward a bit more. I posted an update on my thread so I wont discuss on yours.

 

You will have good days and bad days so keep anticipating those and like me you may have a look back or fall back day- it's only human to have those days just don't let them define your growth. Some people change after affairs and others don't. Use this to learn more about yourself and your marriage.

 

I cannot remember does your H know about your affair? If he doesn't will you tell him?

 

Keep moving forward!

 

Take care.