How to deal with the loneliness?

[andie1969]

It's been 3 months since the BU with very little contact, a handful of texts but that's it. I haven't seen him since March 1. Anyway, the loneliness is starting to set in big time. I do have a full time job, friends, family, work out, etc., but there are still hours in the day when my mind wanders and I really, really miss him. Or, I miss having "that person" to talk to about random stuff throughout the day. I went out with friends Friday night, but was home most of the weekend, and yes, I admit I was lonely. We used to spend every Saturday together and then go out for breakfast Sunday morning and spend most of that day together too. It's been really hard for me to let go of that. Again, I *think* I miss the routine, the comfort more that him as a person.

[BC1980]

I sometimes feel lonely myself. It's like I am missing that one person who formed my nuclear unit. It's an odd feeling. I have several close friends and great family, but they do not take the place of a partner in life. Also, living alone can be hard. You come home to no one after work. I don't know that I have any great suggestions, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

[jen1447]

Maybe get a new one?

[andie1969]

Maybe get a new one?

 

I'm working on that lol, I have dated some since, but no one whom I had any interest in seeing again. It gets exhausting, going through the whole "interview" process repeatedly. I had gotten very close to his family and starting over again is daunting. I am 46 and this past relationship of one year had been my first since my divorce 2 years ago.

[jen1447]

I'm working on that lol, I have dated some since, but no one whom I had any interest in seeing again. It gets exhausting, going through the whole "interview" process repeatedly. I had gotten very close to his family and starting over again is daunting. I am 46 and this past relationship of one year had been my first since my divorce 2 years ago.

 

Well I think as long as you stay in the game that sort of thing will work itself out eventually. (Most ppl just 'end up' w/partners, they don't really plan them.) And the interaction will keep you from turning into the cat lady completely.

 

As to short term fixes to loneliness, I think you need to distract yourself. Best way to do that is with a hobby or pursuit that requires some meaningful involvement. Are you creative at all? How about civic-minded?

[andie1969]

I've been checking out more meet-up groups in the area, and do jump at any chance to be with friends. I'm also getting back into running, doing a 5K next weekend. So, I do keep busy, but it's still those moments in the evening that are the worst, esp. on a weekend. Ah well, I guess more time is needed.

[jen1447]

I've been checking out more meet-up groups in the area, and do jump at any chance to be with friends. I'm also getting back into running, doing a 5K next weekend. So, I do keep busy, but it's still those moments in the evening that are the worst, esp. on a weekend. Ah well, I guess more time is needed.

 

That's all good but those evening moments can be eaten up in large part by chasing a creative project or volunteering, etc.

 

Bscly when you're in your shoes you have to either go inward introspectively or go outward w/some outreach to others. You shouldn't stay in stasis bc it just prolongs the recovery and makes your healing go slow, despite the fact it's the 'easiest' (read: lack of action) option. It doesn't cost you anything to lay around and watch tv.

 

Inward/art can be a challenge bc you have to be ready to confront your demons, but outward is probably more 'risky' bc you'll have other ppl depending on you.

 

I've been thru this before btw, not just talking out my butt.

[Robert850]

Well, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one going through this lonely hell! It's nearly been a month since NC and I don't seem to be any closer to resolving my feelings and need for her presence. I'm basically OK throughout the day at work (though sometimes I drift off reminiscing about the good times). The problem starts when I arrive at what now could be described as an empty mausoleum, that was once the home we shared. I just want to feel normal again... Thanks for sharing... R

[keiji]

The problem starts when I arrive at what now could be described as an empty mausoleum, that was once the home we shared. I just want to feel normal again... Thanks for sharing... R

 

One of my biggest mistakes when my ex-wife left five years ago was to spend two more years in the house we had shared for six. Is yours a rented home? If so, moving out may be advisable. The mere fact of changing your environment works wonders. If not, try to change the place as much as possible (and affordable). There's not a trace from my latest girlfriend in my place. I couldn't deal with the constant reminders.

[juniorrocha]

Maybe you're having a hard time enjoying yourself? I often miss my ex, we broke up 3 weeks ago, but I've always loved my own company so much that it's not being that hard. Sometimes I feel retarded that I make jokes to myself AND I laugh about them. Talk about self-sufficiency. XD

[smudge21]

I miss her too, miss the constant contact (was LDR) and just having someone to chat to... but now it's been a while I no longer just focus on the good parts about them, but also the bad. In fact, looking back, it was never really as good as my heart would like me to remember it. We slap the ex's on pedestals and it takes ages to knock them off it. You're recalling all the positive of the relationship and seeing only the good, which in turn is affecting getting a new relationship started - afterall, how can you replace perfection. Once you have fully healed, then you'll be more open to a new, different, better relationship.