having hard time two years after breakup

[hirokitakako]

hey everyone!

 

If anyone would have any supporting words, I'd love to hear them.

 

I'm having a tough time. It's 2 years since my breakup which was a 2 year relationship (living together for 1,5 years) and I still haven't gotten over it. I know I necessarily don't miss her but the image of her or in that just long for someone to love / love back.

I miss the relationship. Someone to share our lives with, a partner of crime...

I know I could theoretically land many great girls but my social anxiety gets in the way often. My self image got affected. I was already a bit in he shy side but still OK when I needed to be. But this breakup turned things way worse.

 

I didn't know how to read the signs and our otherwise almost no drama very loving relationship completely disintegrated in a month or so. She was 24 and I 31 at the time. She chose a former short fling and our mutual friend to hook up with instead and as far as I know they're still together. He wasn't a fling even, I just heard later he had tried to hook up with her before I met her. I didn't know that before. The other dude was/is "younger and popular" douchebag but a lot of people in my circuit like what he does so you can imagine that I caught myself often to comparing us. And it doesn't help that I still often hear a thing or two about them here and there, as we're in the same circle of people. She wasn't over me too of course for a while as our relationship really was close and I got played for almost 6 months after breakup. I handled the whole thing very very poorly and took it very hard. I don't even recognize myself from that period at all, I acted completely irrational and weak. I feel repulsive when I think back of that period. No wonder I got dumped. I was probably largely my own fault. At first we were just on a break as I had been a bit of brick because of work stress and then in the fear of losing her I became an emotional tampone trying to win her back over. That of course backfired. I feel that how I acted during that time is really affecting my healing, I completely let myself to be walked over and lost my self worth. Since a lot of people around me saw myself like this, I feel this still affects me how people perceive me of rather how I perceive myself. I know the under the circumstances the breakup had to happen. She just lost the attraction after me being weak. Girls cannot stand that. And he just happened to be orbiting around her. of course it had to happen.

 

Well, I have done things to pick myself up. Read ton of self help materials. Got in shape, but fell out of shape again due to back injury. I've become depressed and have had many setbacks. I got in shape, fell out of shape again. Got myself hooked with substances, binge eating. Have done several successful and big work projects (that I should be really proud of but in some reason I'm not that much), hooked up with some girls here and there. Screwed up with everyone I was more interested in and got myself wanted by some who I wasn't that interested at all. Classic.

 

I know I need to toughen up and I have and I've done things for this. But it's probably just the core, every once and a while I still break down. I know I'm still hurt inside. I miss the relationship. Not necessarily with her but with anyone who I would really connect to. Once you have been really in love, the bar is raised. And it's hard for a man to attract new girls when you have this relationship vibe. One should be playful etc. And it's hard for me to be so.

 

But mostly I've become more and more closed in, isolated and thinking dark thoughts. I don't see future for myself, feel alone and disconnected. I've had chronic back pain for years and I can handle it but lately I've developed way harder pain and stiffness, that I cannot even stand up straight, or getting up from sitting or laying down is very hard, painful and uncomfortable. I'm doing several training and physical therapy and seeing different doctors and for now the current information says the prognosis is not very bright. That of course feeds my dark thought and depression even more.

 

You can imagine that going out and having fun and meeting new girls, or even meeting and socializing with any new people in this situation is difficult. I'm mostly trying to manage my pain and uncomfortability, so it's almost impossible to be that fun guy people would wanna meet and talk to. I can only be that guy with alcohol as that also makes me concentrate less on my pain but waking up constantly hangover is not a good idea either.

 

I've gained a bit of weight (from my ideal weight) but not too much yet, still look relatively young and people tell me that I am quite handsome. I guess the only good thing from my back condition is that I at least freaked out so much that I quit smoking (that I had picked up after breakup). I don't want to waste my life away. But I'm having hopeless thoughts and see no good in the future for me.

 

Most of my age friends all have kids now. I feel completely behind. Not that I'd want a kid. But with someone I'd truly love, I could see myself having one one day for sure.. But that seems impossible with my current path or mindset.

 

How can I get out of this mindset? I was doing relatively good, but this crazy pain and movability issues and hence eating disorder and weight gain throw me back into the fierce spiral of dark thoughts and depression.

 

I even catch myself of suicidal thoughts. I definitely don't want to kill myself. No worries. But I catch myself thinking about this. This freakes me out. But I love life but cannot find a way out of this vicious spiral.

 

I also have no one to talk about this.

 

I guess the first priority is to do anything I can to manage the pain and get myself back in shape, so I could start feeling more good about myself. The problem is that the prognosis of my back is no good and could actually get way worse. I know there are things I should be grateful about. But I need to get my health back...

 

Thanks for reading my mumbling.

Hope you're having a better time than me.

Edited June 6, 2016 by hirokitakako