Apologize or let go?

[juniorrocha]

Right, SHE will have to deal with it and in my mind that's not really fair, if she is. I consider the lies awful because they were hurtful to HER. What I think of them objectively, isn't important. If your girlfriend likes you to wear blue pants, but you like white pans, but in order to please her you wear blue pants, then that's all that matters right? This isn't about right and wrong, what I think or she thinks. It's about hurting people you care about, and not wanting them to suffer.

 

If your girlfriend truly likes you, she's not going to make you wear blue pants when you clearly prefer white ones. Or she would be the selfish one.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but what if you never send her that e-mail? Are you gonna live with that guilt, forever?

[Breakupblues]

Yes, of course that's the case and I am aware of that. In the context of what we were discussing, I was giving an example to illustrate how what we think and prefer individually isn't always the prevalent factor upon which we decide things when we deal with people we love and care about. Sometimes, we deliberately subordinate our own likes/preferences/and choices to accommodate and elevate the needs and wants of our loved ones. I think that's the correct thing to do.

 

If I do or don't send it, I will have given it elaborate thought and I will most likely stand behind my decision to send or not to send it. Knowing myself, I won't revisit that decision for a very long time, because I will feel that it was the best decision I could possibly make, with the information available.

[leepetrus]

Sorry if this is the wrong way to put it, but I might as well give my 50 cents.

 

I just did it and felt relief. Because as far as I am concerned, I did my part. Whether she tears it, don't read it, never forgive, right now it's up to her. The ball is in her court. But when you repent for your mistakes, you are being humble enough so you have put yourself in a vulnerable position where you take responsibility for your actions. And by doing so, I believe it helps the other part to heal and move on.

 

But maybe that is different for everyone? I don't know...

[leepetrus]

Of course, she might as well ignore it. But then again, you did your part. If your mentality is set to have no expectations of answer, forgiveness or whatsoever, then do it.

[Breakupblues]

Sorry if this is the wrong way to put it, but I might as well give my 50 cents.

 

I just did it and felt relief. Because as far as I am concerned, I did my part. Whether she tears it, don't read it, never forgive, right now it's up to her. The ball is in her court. But when you repent for your mistakes, you are being humble enough so you have put yourself in a vulnerable position where you take responsibility for your actions. And by doing so, I believe it helps the other part to heal and move on.

 

But maybe that is different for everyone? I don't know...

 

Of course, she might as well ignore it. But then again, you did your part. If your mentality is set to have no expectations of answer, forgiveness or whatsoever, then do it.

 

Hey Lee, thanks for your 50 cents.

 

What you describe is exactly what's in my nature. I tend to fight, claw, dig, whatever I need to do to get the things I want and leave no stones unturned. Just not sure if it's the appropriate thing to do here in this situation. There's the fact that I don't think its wise for my ex and I to ever reconcile, even if that would be a possibility. It sucks to come to that conclusion given my feelings for her, but it's really how I feel.

 

Then there's also the uncertainty how my apology would be perceived and what kind of effect it will have on the other party i.e. my ex. Not sure if it heals anything. Quite possibly the contrary.

 

Yeah, my expectations are pretty reasonable I think. I don't expect much to happen. I'd hope that it would alleviate a bit of hurt though, if my ex is still hurt or affected by what I did. That's all.

[leepetrus]

Hey Lee, thanks for your 50 cents.

 

What you describe is exactly what's in my nature. I tend to fight, claw, dig, whatever I need to do to get the things I want and leave no stones unturned. Just not sure if it's the appropriate thing to do here in this situation. There's the fact that I don't think its wise for my ex and I to ever reconcile, even if that would be a possibility. It sucks to come to that conclusion given my feelings for her, but it's really how I feel.

 

Then there's also the uncertainty how my apology would be perceived and what kind of effect it will have on the other party i.e. my ex. Not sure if it heals anything. Quite possibly the contrary.

 

Yeah, my expectations are pretty reasonable I think. I don't expect much to happen. I'd hope that it would alleviate a bit of hurt though, if my ex is still hurt or affected by what I did. That's all.

 

Are you sure its the contrary? I honestly can't see what harm it could do. If you're not coming back together anyway, there will be no harm. I have never seen someone be despised for owning up to their mistakes, apologizing and trying to right their wrongdoings. Honestly. Never in my life. Of course there are cases even here in LS where people laugh at the letter and whatnot, but I think that's a very particular case of distorted character from the receiving part.

 

Being an adult and being responsible for what you did it's no harmful. it's the right thing to do. If you are afraid her reaction might be getting even angrier, "re-opening wounds" or things like that, than don't send it at all. Like I said before, you've got to be ready for any and all reactions possible. She might tear it, she might read and cry, call you back, she might read it and just say thank you and move on, she might say nothing at all, she might get really mad. There's a trillion things could happen, dude. Like anything in life.

 

If you're scared of her reaction and think it's best to leave her alone, don't do it. If you think it's worth, even if it's for your own peace of mind, then friggin' do it!

 

Coming from my own experience, I delivered mine yesterday. I did not felt instant relief, but it came to me as I was driving back from her place, as I came to terms with myself that I did everything in my power to let her know that I was sorry for all the hurt that I cause her, and I wished her the best, so she could move on and *at least try* not to hate me.

 

On an important note, I left clearly on the letter a few things, which I think are necessary so they can understand where's this letter coming from:

 

-It's up to her whether she would forgive one day or not, but she had every right to not to or hate me;

-I said expected NOTHING from the letter: a reply, a conversation, a second chance or even a thank you;

-I took responsibility for the hurt, without BUTs (cause this sound insincere, are it looks like just a justification for the pain caused);

-I hope she would find peace, happiness and love and moved on with her life;

-I explained the WHYs on my side (why did I do what I did);

-I explained how bad I feel now because of all the things that were done: regret, shame and the will of never doing it again.

 

By writing these things down you can really get the message across. Anything apart from that would sound insincere and would look like a justification for every thing that has happened.

[Breakupblues]

 

Hey Lee, thank you for your insights. I know everybody thinks their situation is different and special but yes, I do think there are indications and signs that dealing with this particular ex make it that things here aren't exactly that cut and dry. If you read my other posts, I think that will probably shine through a little bit.

[leepetrus]

Breakupblues, I'm sorry for sounding condescending and inconsiderate. You are right, every break up and situation is different from the other, and perhaps for your case, given your thoughts, you really need to think twice before sending it. My points was just that trying to right your wrongs is never a bad thing, but now I realize what you meant - thinking this way is just thinking on black and white. It certainly has different shades in the middle of it. However, I still stand to my point of million things can happen whether you send it or not.

 

 

All in all, I praise you for being humble and brave enough to even think about it. It takes a lot of self reflection to even think about, as most of people don't.

 

Hope you find the peace in your heart to make your decision. Remember that there is no right or wrong decision, though. But thinking about it makes it so. There's your decision only, and nothing apart from that.

[Breakupblues]

No need to apologize Lee, and I appreciate the kind and encouraging words. I am happy to hear that your decision to contact your ex brought you some relief. Perhaps I will arrive at that similar decision at some point in the near future, or later on down the line.

[juniorrocha]

Of course, she might as well ignore it. But then again, you did your part. If your mentality is set to have no expectations of answer, forgiveness or whatsoever, then do it.

 

That's exactly the point I was trying to bring up. All we can do in our lives is do our part. The OP is concerned whether by doing his part she will feel better or not, and I understand that (it's also a great gesture of yours to think about it), but the point is you'll never know what her reaction will be unless you send it, and it doesn't matter how well you know her... especially after a year has passed.

 

What if she's actually waiting for something from you?

[leepetrus]

the point is you'll never know what her reaction will be unless you send it, and it doesn't matter how well you know her... especially after a year has passed.

 

My point exactly. Which is why I say do it. You'll never know if you don't do it.