"Good girl" a turn off for guys?

[sparkle222]

Not really sure where this fits but I guess I just wanted some perspective on this (also so I don't ruminate/take it personally):

 

I was talking to a male friend (let's call him Bob) today--we were talking about work over messaging and after a while the conversation turns to us just talking about ourselves etc. It's pretty 'matey', we're talking about the first time we ever did anything with someone of the opposite sex, our favourite choice of underwear, political spoof videos (typical chats haha). TBH I'm not usually that much of a 'bro' girl so I never expect guys to have such matey chats with me but there we go. I've known Bob for a few years, though we only actually became friendly this year. We're sort of similar (kind of introverted, hard working, similar backgroundsish) but have such different personalities--he's blunt, aggressive, a lad, etc, and I'm basically the opposite. So we don't always click that well, although I think he's a fairly decent guy (maybe), or at least an honest one.

 

Anyway at some point we started making rude innuendos about an article we were reading, I was tired so was making pretty cliched/lame ones. At some point he flat-out goes "wow. you really are terrible at this". I laughed it off and challenged him to make a good innuendo (which he didn't) and then we just moved on to other stuff.

 

I know I'm reading wayyy too much into this but part of me felt a bit stung by that comment, because it felt like he was just saying that I'm awkward when it comes to anything sexual. (Before this we were talking about how the girl he's non-exclusively seeing started doing 'sexual' stuff with guys when she was 7-8 ).

 

I'm pretty sure I give off the awkward prudish vibe (even though I'm not, I think I'm pretty normal and have had boyfriends etc)--was definitely raised to be 'mannered' and stuff. Bob's pretty awkward himself; I think he only really discovered girls in college but he definitely thinks of himself as a lad now (and has acquired the profile). He's hit on me a few times when we're on a night out, but nothing serious, he seems to go for much more 'experienced'/sexually 'confident' girls. (TBH not sure if he was hitting on me in this conversation, though he is casually seeing someone else.)

 

Anyway, just wondering what other people think--is a girl coming off as a bit of a 'good girl', lacking in 'chat', or as sexually inexperienced (regardless of whether she is or isn't) a turn off?

[xxbelieverinlovexx]

Depends per guy. But guys who do are obviously not worth dating . Men always complain that girls talk too much so you have an advantage

[SwordofFlame]

Anyway, just wondering what other people think--is a girl coming off as a bit of a 'good girl', lacking in 'chat', or as sexually inexperienced (regardless of whether she is or isn't) a turn off?

 

Absolutely not. However, if she acts like a prude and turns out to be an actual prude, than that is a dealbreaker.

[Shanex]

Lacking in chat: I can be talkative so will do my part.

Sexually inexperienced: I can teach her, a few things.

 

Too nice or mellow though is sort of a deal breaker. As I was writing in a similar 'nice guys' thread the other day, if she contradicts me, make fun of me and isn't just doting on me too much... we'll be fine.

[TheBathWater]

No, it's not a turn-off. I've been with plenty of 'good girls', and I adored them to pieces (still do). What is a turn-off is when a woman can't become a 'bad girl' in bed

[Mrin]

I think Bob may be hitting on those more "sexually confident" girls because they tend to be easy targets for a guy just looking for a quick lay.

 

So-called good girls are not a turn off to most guys who are looking for a meaningful relationship.

 

Quoted for truth

[sagetalk]

 

Anyway, just wondering what other people think--is a girl coming off as a bit of a 'good girl', lacking in 'chat', or as sexually inexperienced (regardless of whether she is or isn't) a turn off?

 

If the guy is just looking for sex, yes, it is a turn off. If the guy is looking for a wife, it's a turn off only if he has no idea what he is doing.

[JustGettingBy]

It depends what you mean by 'good girl'. If you mean a goody-good, yes its a turn-off. If you mean someone who genuinely cares about those around her, is generally friendly, but can still think for herself and has some back bone, that's actually a turn-on.

 

Lacking in 'chat'. Again it depends. Being stand-off-ish and ignoring me would be a turn off. 'Slightly introverted' would be neither a turn-on nor a turn-off.

 

Sexually experienced would be a nice bonus, but I would never turn down a woman on the grounds of her being a virgin.

[sparkle222]

By "lacking in chat" I actually didn't mean quiet- I meant more lacking in "banter". Eg I'm chatty about normal stuff, but I'm not the loud girl regaling everyone with stories of a crazy weekend and having some flirty back and forth with all the guys. Does that make sense ?

 

I thought I was pretty normal among the people I know in terms of experience, but I have a few guy friends who now actively go for girls who are just "out there" in terms of their experience - like the girl Bobs seeing. I know another guy who bragged to me that his regular hookup is bisexual- apparently this is a big turn on. Idk it sort of makes me feel like I can't even begin to "compete" with those girls' level of apparent sexual appeal, and that being normal isn't good enough. And ironically these guys were all the kind who didn't discover girls until university (so behind the curve).

Is this just a phase guys go through when messing around or what? Both these guys have claimed that they don't want relationships with these girls but they want to keep sleeping openly with them (which I think is sort of crappy for the girls?)

[morrowrd]

I actually prefer and am attracted to "good girls" - but, the honest truth I've discovered is that good girls are attracted to the same types of men that the "bad girls" are attracted to. The bad boys who use and abuse them.

[Buddhist]

I have a few guy friends who now actively go for girls who are just "out there" in terms of their experience - like the girl Bobs seeing. I know another guy who bragged to me that his regular hookup is bisexual- apparently this is a big turn on..... And ironically these guys were all the kind who didn't discover girls until university (so behind the curve).

Is this just a phase guys go through when messing around or what?

 

Yes it's a phase they are going through because they are behind the curve they imagine a girl with a lot of experience is going to teach them the 'tricks', maybe even fast track them into stud hood. In their head she must know everything, is going to show them everything.

 

What they don't realise is that a woman can be sexually active from a young age and never get beyond being a starfish in terms of sexual skill. It isn't how often you do it that matters, but what you learn along the way. Being the town mattress does not guarantee quality. What these guys don't know is it's typically the button-up, quiet librarian types who really know they're stuff.

 

I've only slept with 5 different men in my entire life (I'm 40's) but gee, did I sure learn a trick or two.

[Justanaverageguy]

Is this just a phase guys go through when messing around or what? Both these guys have claimed that they don't want relationships with these girls but they want to keep sleeping openly with them (which I think is sort of crappy for the girls?)

 

You're making the mistake of thinking these girls want anything more then casual. They likely treat the relationship the same as the guys - something fun and casual with someone they enjoy hanging out with and having sex with.

 

Not every relationship has to be a serious long term commitment - and yes girls have casual friends with benefits by choice as much as men do.

[sparkle222]

Justanaverageguy- actually one of the guys said the girl he's seeing has asked for a relationship for a few times but he's said no and that he wants to keep it open. But maybe that's his ego talking haha. I guess I just think sleeping with a guy for a year while he insists on non exclusivity - surely you'd crack

 

Haha Buddhist that's what I was thinking.

[mikeylo]

Good girls are a turn on for the guys who want them. Everyone has their own 'type'. They have so many positives to them that other women don't. The worst thing is that they usually don't flirt or get the hints being dropped by a guy or don't know how to reciprocate,lol ! But these are some of the things that some guys find endearing

[Justanaverageguy]

Justanaverageguy- actually one of the guys said the girl he's seeing has asked for a relationship for a few times but he's said no and that he wants to keep it open. But maybe that's his ego talking haha. I guess I just think sleeping with a guy for a year while he insists on non exclusivity - surely you'd crack

 

Haha Buddhist that's what I was thinking.

 

Yeah it wouldn't surprise me if that was the case - number of guys I have seen say that when they are really chasing the girl pretty hard but she just has them as a booty call Guys and girls are kind of weird that way - they get pigeon holed into roles they are "supposed to play". Lots of girls conceal the fact they have their one night stands and casual hookups - guys often put on the "lad" front and pretend they only want a casual hookup with a girl who won't give them more then that. Not always the case and could easily be the other way round - but people are always trying to put on their front to others.

 

The way you described this guy - late to the girls thing and playing catch up - it sounds like the type of guy who would do that. He has a certain "lad" image he is trying to cultivate but from what you described and your "matey" conversation it doesn't really sound like he is one.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[sparkle222]

Well it's the other guy- call him Dan- who claims that (the girl wants to date him but he doesn't). Bob claims he considered dating the girl he's sleeping with but that it turned out she wasn't very nice and therefore incompatible with him relationship-wise, though they still hook up. I totally took these versions at face value but I realise now they're both probably totally bs-ing and that the girls shot them down haha.

 

Do you think Bob was flirting/showing interest or was he just letting down his "lad" guard?

[Emilia]

In my experience men like a mixture of good and bad but this thread is about boys, not men so it's hard to tell

 

I think boys view the world still in quite black and white terms, I wouldn't worry about them too much. Men tend to have more subtle preferences and as you get older and more nuanced, it becomes less about 'good' or 'bad' and more about genuine and authentic.

[Quiet Storm]

I think many guy friends get off on hearing about their female friend's sex lives. They'll initiate conversations about sex because it intrigues them and turns them on.

 

From your perspective, it's matey, but he can exploit that mateyness to get you to open up about sex. Even if guy friends don't want a relationship with you, they often want to gauge you sexually and imagine what you're like in bed. It's like that Jimmy Hendrix song, "Let Me Stand Next to Your Fire".

 

He was hoping the sex conversation would be more entertaining and your lack of enthusiasm disappointed him.

 

This doesn't mean men don't like good girls. It means good girls don't provide enough juicy details for guys to get off on your "fire".

[sparkle222]

Hm I think it's sort of entitled of a guy to expect his platonic girl friends to provide him with jollies too, but maybe that's an example of how I'm 'uptight' . I guess it's annoying for me because I know I'm fun to date etc but I tend to be a bit more reserved around platonic friends/work colleagues (Bob's a colleague) because what's the point of putting myself in a potentially awkward situation with people I have to see daily on a professional basis? It's like a lose lose situation, either I'm boring but respected, or super open/'fun' but potentially exploited. And I guess my natural "good girl" demeanour does me no favours .

 

I guess what I fundamentally worry about is being called a skank/etc if I open up about anything personal- id rather be thought of as boring than that. (Had a very unpleasant experience once of telling a male friend something personal and he absolutely slandered me to a wide group of friends- still have never understood why, he was a "cool" guy, which made it even more damaging, but I think he had some subconsciously weird views about sex following a conservative upbringing).

 

I guess I'm just venting really- feels like the odds are stacked against me as a girl, I have to work extra hard to gain respect but then I lose out attracting guys. Is there a similar double standard for men?

Edited June 8, 2016 by sparkle222

[Emilia]

Hm I think it's sort of entitled of a guy to expect his platonic girl friends to provide him with jollies too, but maybe that's an example of how I'm 'uptight' . I guess it's annoying for me because I know I'm fun to date etc but I tend to be a bit more reserved around platonic friends/work colleagues (Bob's a colleague) because what's the point of putting myself in a potentially awkward situation with people I have to see daily on a professional basis? It's like a lose lose situation, either I'm boring but respected, or super open/'fun' but potentially exploited. And I guess my natural "good girl" demeanour does me no favours .

 

I guess what I fundamentally worry about is being called a skank/etc if I open up about anything personal- id rather be thought of as boring than that. (Had a very unpleasant experience once of telling a male friend something personal and he absolutely slandered me to a wide group of friends- still have never understood why, he was a "cool" guy, which made it even more damaging, but I think he had some subconsciously weird views about sex following a conservative upbringing).

 

I guess I'm just venting really- feels like the odds are stacked against me as a girl, I have to work extra hard to gain respect but then I lose out attracting guys. Is there a similar double standard for men?

As a girl/woman, you are facing life-long pressure from men to act in certain ways, predominantly to fulfill some kind of fantasy, to sleep with them, to provide cheap titillation. This will be always part of your life - though hopefully not in your friendships.

 

They either look for a way in or are bored.

 

As a woman, your job is to find the behaviour pattern that makes YOU comfortable and decide early on to ignore the noise. At times sticking to your guns and not give in to 'peer pressure' will cause conflict with the likes of your 'friend'.

 

You will face criticism if you are 'too easy' from insecure men who like to control their women or for 'being boring' from men who are looking for easy sex. Your job is to make sure you know what works for YOU.

 

Does this make sense?

Edited June 8, 2016 by Emilia

[elaine567]

"Bob" likes you.

He wants to be more than your "mate".

[Lois_Griffin]

I've heard MANY men in my lifetime claim, "there are girls you have fun with, and girls you marry."

[stillafool]

B

 

Is this just a phase guys go through when messing around or what? Both these guys have claimed that they don't want relationships with these girls but they want to keep sleeping openly with them (which I think is sort of crappy for the girls?)

 

It depends on the guy. Some men like very sexual women and normally these guys are party types as well. It may not be crappy for these girls because that may be all that they want from these guys as well. They pretty much match and are compatible. There are guys who are not party types and aren't comfortable with women who are too outgoing or sexual. I think you just need to meet a man who matches you. Everyone is different.

[mikeylo]

I've heard MANY men in my lifetime claim, "there are girls you have fun with, and girls you marry."

 

While it's very true for many men , there are some , who take home ( marry) the ' good girl ' but continue to have fun on the side or at least want to continue !

[Toodaloo]

As a girl/woman, you are facing life-long pressure from men to act in certain ways, predominantly to fulfill some kind of fantasy, to sleep with them, to provide cheap titillation. This will be always part of your life - though hopefully not in your friendships.

 

They either look for a way in or are bored.

 

As a woman, your job is to find the behaviour pattern that makes YOU comfortable and decide early on to ignore the noise. At times sticking to your guns and not give in to 'peer pressure' will cause conflict with the likes of your 'friend'.

 

You will face criticism if you are 'too easy' from insecure men who like to control their women or for 'being boring' from men who are looking for easy sex. Your job is to make sure you know what works for YOU.

 

Does this make sense?

 

I just wanted to add that some men (and women) will say these things about you anyway regardless of there being any truth in it. You get people like that. Just be yourself and if he doesn't like you then tough on him really - its not your problem.

 

But I think you need to cut this guy loose. He sounds like a pillock to me and one that has some more learning to do... He is the type that will probably start spouting Alpha/ beta rubbish and go on about it like its the holy grail... yawn.