Waiting in response for second chance email but found out something devestating

[gaig]

If you did your part in your relationship with him, treated him reasonably well enough, there might be a possibility he will come back to you once his euphoric feeling faded off.

 

This should be the case with ex partners of some braininess, logic and mental health (for the rest, no comment).

 

But the question is.. are you (all of you guys) still gonna go back to that constantly undermined relationship?

 

One more similar story, my ex asked with tears in her eyes my 2 year DIARY (which was supposed to be the wedding proposal in case we were still doing well), she literally took it from my hands and said she needed to know, it would help her get clear blah blah blah

And few days after that she changed all IM and social media accounts without telling me her thoughts/decision. Well she called, i didnt answer and immediately changed everything as if the new guy was waiting under her doorstep to go on a date.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Gaig - NEVER not after this. Not after knowing what he did.

 

the satisfaction would certainly be there to have him come crawling back and to reject him but will never do that.

 

Plus someone else said something earlier about his medication making him more assertive, the thing is that i met him before that she met him while he was already on the meds so there is no going back. he will not go back on his decision because he is now the "new disgusting moraless" version of him. So no chance of that.

 

the question is should I confront him with what I know. I want to tell him I know. He wont' take my calls or anything it would have to be via email.

[SammySammy]

This relationship reads like a nightmare to me.

 

Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.

 

I don't know of a single man who looks forward to going home to a combative woman.

 

The guy finally realizes this toxic relationship needs to end, moves out, moves on with his life ... and she's still angry. Still wondering if she should "confront" him. Showing up at his new place ... to fight some more.

 

Ugh. Let it rest already.

 

Regardless of who's to blame and what emotions are in the air, the relationship is dead. You all beat it to death. Let it stay dead. This one is definitely DO NOT RESUSCITATE.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Wow that is an awful lot of assumptions. If you had read my story I explained why we fought and huge percentage of it was me trying to ease his accusations and paranoia that I would never leave him for someone else.

 

Every job I've had he assumed I was having an affair with my male workers. I took a course one year and accused me of having an affair with my instructor because one day after class a few of the students hung around class talking and my instructor and I realize an old friend of mine was his cousin. when I told my ex about this he went into a tailspin assuming I was going for coffees with my instructor. Who as it turns out was GAY.

 

I caught him in many white lies. I had plenty of reasons to mistrust him but he was so good when things were fine that it messed with my head.

 

You have no idea what you are talking about so please keep your assumptions to yourself. And even if that were the case, there is no excuse for infidelity. He was alienated from his children because according to him his ex wife cheated on him. His live-in girlfriend after that of 3 years went bananas because he supposedly left her for someone at work. Which he always denied and said she was crazy and made the story up. I stupidly believed him.

 

I have no desire to re-instate the relationship. I do have the desire to de-mask him from all the lies he portrayed. Very different thing.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[SammySammy]

When you finish blaming him, justifying yourself ... seeking to "de-mask" him ... you still have a destroyed relationship. Destructive behavior from both of you contributing to the demise.

 

You can choose to learn and grow from this. Or stay the same.

 

The bottom line is destructive behaviors ... lead to destruction. If we want better results, we need to make better choices and take better actions.

 

That may include choosing a different type of partner. Probably starts with letting go of the need to confront and fight with him. Learning constructive ways of settling differences. So on and so forth.

 

Just saying ....

Edited June 7, 2016 by MidKnightDreams

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ok that makes sense!

 

I'm in therapy I will be working hard to get to the root of my issues.

 

The feeling of deception from someone I was convinced was incapable of this just adds another layer of devastation because everything I thought was real now takes on a whole other meaning. I'm questioning his stories in past relationships - everything. It's an awful feeling to think you know someone and find out they were the opposite. Yes we had problems, we had been through a lot in particular hardships that life threw our way and I just never ever thought he was capable of this especially since he was so afraid I would be the one leaving him for someone else.

 

We were engaged to be married, those are huge life decisions to now find out the person was not who he portrayed.

 

Plus he blames me for everything, 0 accountability.

[peonyrose]

Ok that makes sense!

 

I'm in therapy I will be working hard to get to the root of my issues.

 

The feeling of deception from someone I was convinced was incapable of this just adds another layer of devastation because everything I thought was real now takes on a whole other meaning. I'm questioning his stories in past relationships - everything. It's an awful feeling to think you know someone and find out they were the opposite. Yes we had problems, we had been through a lot in particular hardships that life threw our way and I just never ever thought he was capable of this especially since he was so afraid I would be the one leaving him for someone else.

 

We were engaged to be married, those are huge life decisions to now find out the person was not who he portrayed.

 

Plus he blames me for everything, 0 accountability.

 

 

Sunkissed some of what you said is like you are speaking for me. I totally get how you feel, I am feeling so much of what you feel. My ex is gone 3 weeks with contact after week 1 we spent the night together we were intimate and he filled me with more broken promises and then blocked me the next day when he was due to come home from everything phone, social media, email, the whole lot.shock and devastation doesn't even sum up how I've been, a week before he left we were looking at wedding venues like wtf!! I still don't have answers and he left me with all the rent and list of bills! I am broken quite frankly, I was studying psychology and had a small job he was the main earner so basically I am not only emotionally battered but I have a mess to sort out too.

 

But like you said you believed all the stories about the ex's so did I, and he had 2 failed marriages and numerous other relationships and I just trusted he was telling me the truth. More fool me!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Peonyrose thank you for sharing your story. I know exactly how you feel. I have a major update on my situation here goes:

 

SO I found out he was indeed having an affair and left me for his OW. I had had to get to bottom of things and found out that he met her at his work, work building and they are now together.

 

I had some bills that we needed to tie up that I purposely did not take care of so that he would reach out to me and that is when I confronted him. I reeled him in thinking that everything was ok. He was very eager to see how I was doing and how I was feeling since the break-up, and wanted to know if I was seeing someone. I left him tell me his side first, which he did he told me it has been very hard and that he is having a tremendous time getting over all the good that we had but still blames me for everything. I told him that I was in therapy and learning new tools that we both could have benefited from but that he chose not to go that route because clearly he was not "in love" anymore.

 

At that point he lost it. He came back at me with more accusations telling me I never believe in him I never believed he was enough blah blah blah and that is when I went for the proverbial kick in the groin.

 

I wrote him back telling him I knew everything that I knew he was with her one day after he decided to end things with me, that I knew they had met at work, that it had been going on for a while (I know this for fact now he would dissappear for hours at work and lie to me about where he was for lunch etc. which I made nothing of because I figured oh well I guess he went to lunch with a guy at work and doesn’t feel like telling me, now I know why he was lying) What I don’t know is if it was an emotional affair or they were full on. I know that for that past few months we were fighting all the time because he was looking for excuses to fight. I know that I was at my all-time low taking care of my mother who had dementia and has become worse over that past months and he would use her delusional outbursts against me and backstab me with insults about that.)

 

Anyway I confronted him with everything the fact that I knew why he didn’t want to salvage the relationship why he was pulling the bait and switch on me WHY he had been so insecure about me cheating when it was HIM all along that had it in him to be an unfaithful pathological liar.

 

His response: Ok, are you going to send me the money for the bills or what? I told him where to go obviously since the bills were bills he had to pay while we were still together.

 

Today I ran into them in my neighbourhood at a store and I saw them walking towards me on the street but they didn’t see me. I followed them into the store and did what I have been fantasizing about for weeks. I confronted them. I walked behind them and said “well well well if it isn’t the happy affair couple” he turned around shocked and she was walking in front of him and I walked to her and said “did you know that your “man” was engage to me just three weeks ago, that we were still living together?” And her response was “ya so? I don’t care!” Then i said “did you know what he was sleeping in our bed also three weeks ago having sex with me while he was with you?” At that point she piped up but kept walking. He had already left the store and she hurried up to him they both ran across the street while was turning around calling me insane, and she was looking back wanting to catch a glimpse of what I looked like. I walked away and went in to get my nails done which was my actual destination and I saw them walk by and they were not longer holding hands, it looked like they were arguing he was explaining and her body language was totally closed.

 

 

Call me crazy, but it felt SO DAMN GOOD! Plus to the have the mental image of them fighting over the seeds of doubt that I have planted over the lies he has clearly told her, was well worth any label of being called “insane”

 

I am insane, I am insane for having stuck around for 4 years with a liar who was also a great actor, when my gut was telling me all along there was something about him I didn’t trust.

Edited June 17, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

(woops the title was supposed to say "confronting" I can't seem to edit it)

 

Here is an update on my other thread about waiting on my ex fiance's response on a second chance letter. Which he claimed he could not respond to yet because he needed to have a clearer picture of what he wanted to do and "needed to see some things through"

 

SO I found out he was indeed having an affair and left me for his OW. I had to get to the bottom of things and found out that he met her at his work, in hi work building and they are now together.

 

I had some bills tied up to his account that I purposely did not take care of so that he would reach out (since he asked for space to think about the second chance letter) and that is when I would confront him. I reeled him in thinking that everything was ok. He was very eager to hear how I was doing and how I was feeling since the break-up, and wanted to know if I was seeing anyone and what I felt about him now.

 

I left him tell me his side first, which he did he told me it has been very hard and that he is having a tremendous time getting over all the good that we, that last time we saw each other and after my letter he was still feeling like everything was my fault that he still blames me for all of our relationship demise. I told him that I was in therapy and learning new tools that we both could have benefited from in terms of how we communicated but that he chose not to go that route because clearly he was not "in love" anymore.

 

At that point he lost it. He came back at me with more accusations telling me I never believed in him I never believed he was enough blah blah blah and that is when I went for the proverbial kick in the groin.

 

I wrote him back telling him I knew everything... that I knew he was with her one day after he decided to end things with me, that I knew they had met at work, that it had been going on for a while (I know this for fact now he would disappear for hours at work and lie to me about where he was for lunch etc. which I made nothing of because I figured oh well I guess he went to lunch with a guy at work and doesn’t feel like telling me, now I know why he was lying) What I don’t know is if it was an emotional affair or they were full on. I told him that I know that for that past few months we were fighting all the time because he was making excuses to instigate fights out of nothing and when I needed him the most. I know that I was at my all-time low taking care of my mother who has dementia and has become worse over the past 6 months and he would use her delusional outbursts against me and backstab me with insults about that.) I told him I knew why he was so adamant suddenly not to work through things despite telling me right til the end he wanted to that he loved me, that I was his life etc. etc. that he was still making love to me in the last week even twice a day.

 

Anyway I confronted him with everything the fact that I knew why he didn’t want to salvage the relationship why he was pulling the bait and switch on me WHY he had been so insecure about me cheating when it was HIM all along that had it in him to be an unfaithful pathological liar. I never in a million years imagined he had it in him to cheat. NEVER.

 

His response:

 

"Ok, are you going to send me the money for the bills or what?" I told him where to go, since the bills were bills he had to pay while we were still together the fact he is having blurred lines about when we ended and when his affair went public is not my problem.

 

Today I ran into them in my neighbourhood at a store and I saw them walking towards me on the street but they didn’t see me. I followed them into the store and did what I have been fantasizing about for weeks. I confronted them.

 

I walked behind them and said “well well well if it isn’t the happy affair couple” he turned around shocked and she was walking in front of him and I walked to her and said “did you know that your “man” was engage to me just three weeks ago, that we were still living together?” And her response was “ya so? I don’t care!”

 

Then i said “oh you don't care, ok well you care that he was sleeping in our bed also three weeks ago having sex with me while he was with you, did you know that?” At that point she piped up but kept walking. He had already left the store and she hurried up to him they both ran across the street while he was turning around calling me insane to not listen to me, and she was looking back wanting to catch a glimpse of what I looked like.

 

I walked away and went in to get my nails done which was my actual destination and I saw them walk by and they were not longer holding hands, it looked like they were arguing he was explaining and her body language was totally closed. I peeked out the store and saw them going at it back and forth for a good block until they were out of eyesight that the were walking side by side but away from each other"

 

 

Call me crazy, but it felt SO DAMN GOOD! Plus to have the mental image of them fighting over the seeds of doubt that I have planted over the lies he has clearly told her, was well worth any label of being called “insane” Now I know that she was not innocent that she was also complicit in their affair and if for a moment I felt pity for her I now am happy to see that they will have what they deserve in the end: each other. It couldn't end in a better way.

 

I am insane, I am insane for having stuck around for 4 years with a liar who was also a great actor, when my gut was telling me all along there was something about him I didn’t trust.

 

You will often read about how you should take the higher road not to do the crazy thing. Well let me tell you, it FELT AWESOME!

Edited June 17, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[sooshi]

I'm happy for you, Sunkissedpatio It can feel so good when we stand up for ourselves, and that's how you felt. You don't deserve to be blamed and treated so disrespectfully. It seems like he's projecting his insecurities onto you, and that's really not fair of him. He got caught and he tried to turn it all on you.

 

The girl he is with not doesn't sound like much of a catch, either. I was shocked to see that she didn't care at all that you two had been sleeping together, etc. She seemed to have no qualms about being an affair partner.

 

I know it might still hurt badly now, you REALLY dodged a bullet here! You deserve to be with someone who won't only promise commitment to you, but stick with it too. I'm so glad you're not putting up with this, and for recognizing the power within you.

Edited June 17, 2016 by sooshi

[peonyrose]

Wow... How I would love the chance to confront my lying coward of an ex... Still not sure if there is another woman involved but reading stories on this I'm beginning to think maybe there was, because it sure as hell doesn't make sense in any way what he did. Good for you, in your position and a chance like that I would also grab it with both hands .. I am fantasising about seeing him in a public place and going up to him and letting everyone know what he did. God I hope I get the chance, because that motha f****r didn't even let me have my closure. He ran like he always has and always will. He deserves a good slap for me and the others he abandoned, and I can promise ifvi get that chance he won't know what hit him. The lying snake....

 

Go girl power.............

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well ladies thank you for the words of encouragement.

 

Sooshi – This is what I was explaining in your thread, learn to differentiate the “fantasy of your guy” vs the reality. Finding out all that I did has helped me tremendously to shut my heart and head off to this piece of sht of a human being. I focus on the reality vs the lies of what we had. A few weeks ago when I came to this forum I was distraught, walking in a haze, kicking myself and tormenting myself for losing a great man, with faults, but great nonetheless. Now I realize that he was making me crazy, his only “go-to” in all this is that “I am insane”

 

Isn’t that what all cheaters say when confronted with the truth? You are crazy, you are paranoid! Yes every woman will do whatever she can to avoid the label of insane from the men they care about. So that is the “go-to” for cheaters to keep us down. Yes no wonder I am insane, I have been driven to insanity by the pathological lies that I kept passing off as me being overly insecure when in fact it was the other side of a two-faced creep who wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and I would not relent in letting him get away with it.

 

As per her, he definitely downgraded. I had seen a picture of her and couldn’t believe he would go for that but when I saw her in person…let’s just say she’s built like an oompa-loompa with terrible skin her face looked like it had scars and she really bad style. At the end of the day her physical appearance is totally irrelevant but what was truly ugly about this woman is the confidence and absolute disdain with which she said her “I don’t care!” when I confronted her about the lies her “man” was saying to both. At that point I realized what I was dealing with a narcissistic sociopath just like him. I take comfort in knowing that life will ensure that she also feel the horror and deep stabbing pain of betrayal because karma always levels the score. And as for he and his black soul, he will more than get his as well.

 

 

Peonyrose – I am so sorry for your situation and in reading your story it sounds eerily similar to mine. It’s hard to say whether there is someone else in the picture for you for me I knew something was up for various reasons:

 

His wording in the email responses, saying things like “I need to see some things through before I decide if we can be together again”

 

The fact that he was always weak in terms of wanting to get to fixing things between us he could go for days without talking to me but once he cooled down he was back to wanting to work things through. And now there was absolutely no reasoning with him even weeks after the night I had the melt down at his place.

 

Even when he moved out he confessed that he had got the place thinking it would be ours and not just his, and was not willing to go through life without figuring out our issues because he would absolutely regret it. Yet when I asked him to go to therapy with me or that we should take time to move back in together and fix our issues first he got very mad at me and flipped the script on me making it like I didn’t want him.

 

The fact that he was suddenly very cold and callous and acted so angry towards me and blamed me for everything

 

All these signs lead me to believe there was more to the story. And sure enough there was.

 

Are you in contact with yours at all? Is he back in Germany then?

Edited June 17, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[peonyrose]

Well ladies thank you for the words of encourageme

 

 

 

Peonyrose – I am so sorry for your situation and in reading your story it sounds eerily similar to mine. It’s hard to say whether there is someone else in the picture for you for me I knew something was up for various reasons:

 

His wording in the email responses, saying things like “I need to see some things through before I decide if we can be together again”

 

The fact that he was always weak in terms of wanting to get to fixing things between us he could go for days without talking to me but once he cooled down he was back to wanting to work things through. And now there was absolutely no reasoning with him even weeks after the night I had the melt down at his place.

 

Even when he moved out he confessed that he had got the place thinking it would be ours and not just his, and was not willing to go through life without figuring out our issues because he would absolutely regret it. Yet when I asked him to go to therapy with me or that we should take time to move back in together and fix our issues first he got very mad at me and flipped the script on me making it like I didn’t want him.

 

The fact that he was suddenly very cold and callous and acted so angry towards me and blamed me for everything

 

All these signs lead me to believe there was more to the story. And sure enough there was.

 

Are you in contact with yours at all? Is he back in Germany then?

 

Hi sunkissedpatio no contact for 14 days now. I wish I had because I have plenty to say. But the coward blocked me immediately when he decided he didn't want to come back home. And I mean within seconds, I was blocked on social media and told all pictures of me were deleted! Actually makes me feel physically sick, I was treated like I was a monster of a woman, when in actual fact I was so damn loyal, so damn trusting and way out of his league. Makes me think maybe this man had some mental issues, because nobody does what he did, without one hell of a reason.

 

As foR Germany I have no idea, he could be gone. Nothing would surprise where this man is concerned. Like just over 3 weeks ago we sat looking at wedding venues together, nothing makes sense. The breakup I could get over but its how he's done it that I can't.the coldness of it all,the finality of it, and how cruel he has been. My body actually went into shock I ended up in hospital for 2 days. I actually could not believe that it was the same guy who did the stuff he has to me.

 

That man has left something in me that I will always carry, because I got no answers and I will never know why! Sounds sick but I actually wish I saw him or will see him with another woman at least I have an answer then. Crazy isn't it!

 

So happy you got your moment to shine and show your ex your not the kind of female to mess with. X

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Peony - totally unrelated...I popped into Zak's today and treated myself to a new perfume and that top not is peony ;-)

 

I feel your devastation, I read your words and it brought me right back to the feelings I had a few weeks ago. How awful that he just blocked you like that and vanished from everything, that is beyond cowardly and mean. I'm so so sorry!

 

I'll share a little something with you that may or may not bring you peace of mind but this idea of closure is an illusion. I can tell you that even despite confronting my ex, finding out all that I did, seeing them both and confronting them both I STILL feel like I don't have closure. Closure is elusive.

 

Like my therapist said, even if I could sit with him face to face and ask him everything I need to know I still wouldn't get my answers. I wouldn't trust a thing he says. My mind still plays tricks on me and the denial of what he turned out to be vs what I knew, plagues my thoughts.

 

You on the other hand do need something. I totally get that. Just know that, and you definitely won't want to hear this, but that closure has to come from within you. I guess it is easy for me to say because I did get some answers, awful answers but answers that helped me turn the page at least from the deep yearning and suffering and self-deprecation I was feeling.

 

I have a feeling in your case there may just be someone else. I have read even on here over and over again stories of people who's exs did exactly that and it turns out they were blocked so that their new partners wouldn't find out about their past.

 

Mine blocked me from everything this past Monday and I felt all the things you are feeling despite knowing all I did. It feels like you didn't matter, it feels like they killed you off. But let me assure you that, whether it is in a few months, or now or in a few years at some point they will have to face the remnants of what you left behind for them. And don't kid yourself into thinking you meant nothing to them. The fact that they are cowards, and don't have the courage to face the music with dignity cannot erase what is left in their soul.

 

You know your man better than anything we can speculate. If he ever felt at all he will definitely have to face his demons you might even hear from him down the road.

 

And what you said about seeing him with another woman is not crazy at all, that is exactly what helped me turn the page and snap out of the deep depression and devastation I was feeling so I totally know what you mean.

 

I wish we were all in the same city, you too Sooshi and I'd say let's paint a pretty face on and let's go out and have a night out of girl power!

 

hahah I wouldn't exactly call my moment a "moment to shine" but at least I got to humiliate them in public in a store full of people call them out for the garbage that they are. Even if I did look "crazy" to them.

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed. Thank you for your very helpful and honest reply . You have helped me more with that reply than anything anyone close to me has said. Because quite frankly they have no idea how I am feeling, unless you have experienced it, there is no way of understanding it.

 

I wish so much I could meet you for a coffee and sit and have a good old chat, funny isn't it how a stranger thousands of miles away can understand you more than anyone else! I'd say let's connect on Facebook but I am staying away from it for another little while. I am not ready for the questions, of what happened? Why is your engagement over? No I need to be stronger in myself before I deal with that.

 

There is a bar and also a casino I know my ex goes to, I am considering maybe going to these places, and confronting him! But then what do I say? He left me high and dry with no money and no rent or bills paid, on top of everything else he has done. So where would I start, but maybe I just need to let him know a thing or two. Do you think this would be a bad idea?

 

I'm sorry today is just not a good day, I am feeling lonely and overwhelmed at the mess I have to fix. I pray I can get some extra money soon.

 

Good idea sunkissed to buy a new perfume, a new scent attracts a different type of man, not that you want one but still in time someone wonderful will walk into your life, someone real and honest

 

I took some comfort from the fact you said that he will suffer and realise the awful pain he caused, sometime in his life. Because to me right now, I feel like i was nothing to him, that he has erased me and feels no sadness or sorrow for what's happened. That he's moved on to a new life so easily, without even looking back on the years we shared. This hurts like hell. My memories are tainted now, I look back with no trust in my heart, I hope you right and that someday he feels sorry even if I never get to hear it.

 

Thank you for your support, I hope you are having a good day, you are a strong woman.

[Sunkissedpatio]

HI Peonyrose - I'm glad my words could help. We turn to wherever we can get that one little ray of hope to alleviate the gut wrenching pain we are in. I understand you fully.

 

So yours left you with unpaid bills, and you are trying to make rent etc.!? Wow what happened between you two that lead him to such a violent and aggressive way to end things? What I don't understand is, does he live in Ireland or Germany? Or where is he from?

 

Edit: I just re-read your story - wow it is eerily similar to mine in that mine lived in my home (I owned my place and he rented at the time he had just moved to our city from the capital of the country for work and had been here for 1 year) but he aways complained we were "in my space" vs sharing a home. My home was basically closer to work for both of us vs where he lived at the time so that made more sense and I did everything to make him feel at home but he still complained.

 

The home issue was big when he moved out he wanted to pick his own place with his own furniture etc. and yet he complained I didn't want to help him shop for furniture for his new place so he contradicted himself in this respect. Mine is also 49 (I suspect a bit of midlife crisis things going on here too)

He also has two teenage kids that want nothing to do with him because "their mother alienated them" not sure what to believe anymore. Apparently she cheated on him and that is why he left the marriage. I always believed it now I am not so sure.

 

The change in him, the fact you were fighting more, that is exactly what happened in my situation and yet he still assured me right til the end he loved me wanted to marry me, wanted to spend the rest of his life, we took care of our dying sister in law (his brother's wife) who had terminal cancer over the past months we have been through so much together in the last 7 months alone. Now he is with someone considerably younger and out and about all the time having fun in the city and that is exactly what I wanted I love to go out all he ever wanted was to be at home and do nothing and he would blame the medication he is one (anti depressant) but now I see it was his lies.

 

I feel there is more to your story for sure peonyrose!

 

 

You definitely need answers, and financially he can't leave you hanging like that too. Had you seen signs in him over the years of being impulsive and drastic in his decisions? You mention there is a Casino he hangs out at, could he be in financial trouble? I have so many questions...

 

the last thing you want now feeling as you do is to have to worry about finances and work but you should really look for a job and try to get yourself out of the house because as hard as that is, it is better than staying at home doing your head in. Plus you need to work to support yourself and your daughter in this new situation. I am so SO sorry that you are going through this and that there are people in this world that are so mean and horrible and can do something like this to the one they profess to love. That man is no good. I know you can't see this now but you will. He is rotten. That is a very rotten thing to do to someone else regardless of his reasons for leaving. OMG when you told the part about "your phone will be blocked by the time you respond to this text" I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that you get when you find out tragic news. Simply horrible!

Edited June 18, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[peonyrose]

Oh my god sunkissed I can't believe how similar are stories are, I mean the more you tell me the more alike it becomes. Its crazy! Ex wife or 2 should I say and one cheated? Which now I question too. He sees his children when he travels to Germany 3 times a year, but his ex wife hates him beyond belief. I am starting to understand why now! Did he leave her in a similar way to what he did to me.

 

He is living in Ireland 5 years, I met him 3 years ago. And as I said he travels 3 times a year to see his children, I used to be so happy for him on his trips and last year he brought his teenage daughter back to spend a week with us. She was scarily trying to get close to me, and had hardly a minute for my ex, she wanted to come and live with us, and me to be her mother! Even then I supported his decisions regarding his children, because my teenage daughter is the love of my life who I raised alone with no help! 8 weeks ago we went to Germany and celebrated our engagement with his family! How crazy like! His daughter above was going through some pretty crazy stuff and we had to meet with counsellors and social services, it was awful and I didn't know what to do! I knew how heartbreaking it was for him and I did everything to make him feel loved! It was after Germany he suddenly started giving out to me more than usual.

 

My head is so crazy with questions. Nothing makes sense. Yes we struggled a bit financially but I was going to be getting a better job. We did miss out on stuff and I guess hadn't much to socialise, or to buy nice stuff, but I just said it will get better, we have each other a nice home and a bright future. But he became angry lately about money, and was blaming me for stuff all small things and I was so confused and trying to make it all OK, keep him happy and my daughter! I gave up on me in a way I am a attractive woman but I started feeling like I was doing everything wrong! He always told me I was beautiful but lately it was less often!

 

As for the casino, I sat outside it for 20 minutes tonight, wanting so bad to go in. I knew he was either there or the bar! And if not then with another woman! I don't think I'm ready for the answer to that! I couldn't move from the car I was frozen in time. When we were together he hardly went to the casino or the bar but before we met he spent Saturday nights in both, and 2 weeks ago when he used for the night for sex, he told me that he is back to that routine again! I was so angry that I couldn't get out of the car because I knew tonight was my chance .

Sunkissed I've asked myself a hundred times what could make him leave in such a cold and cruel way, to pay no rent or no bills not even his share, to block me and erase me so easily. I'm not sure I'll ever find the answer and this is the tortured part for me.

 

I so wish I could speak to you in person I can't believe how similar this all is. My counsellor also mentioned mid life crisis to me! He turns 50 in 8 weeks. This part also surprises me he had a 35 year old woman, who loved him, who trusted him completely yes I have flaws who doesn't, but we had a nice life we spent so much time enjoying each other and he threw it all away! People used to say when they met us " she's your fiance, you lucky man" I never ever thought he'd leave, but I will soon start some investigation into if its another woman.

 

Sorry for the long reply, I just really need someone to talk to, that actually gets what I'm saying. So many good people on this site, I would have been lost otherwise. X

[peonyrose]

Sunkissed I just re read your reply. I am so sorry to hear you had that devastating experience of nursing a cancer victim, it must have been so heartbreaking. My god that man lost a good woman, when he lost you, and no doubt will kick himself so damn hard when he comes out of this crazy place he is in. I'd say your ex is definitely in a mid life crisis kinda thing. The foolish man, will be begging for you to come back!

 

Funny my ex was sick for 2 months December to end of February, suspected thyroid Cancer, it was heartbreaking. We practically lived in hospitals back then, trying to get answers, he was acting so crazy wanting constant different opinions from doctors, it was awful I was so upset, but I said he's sick so its just his way of dealing with it. But even when he was told finally that it was a cancer that was isolated to that area and would develop any further, it needed no treatment, he still didn't believe it. We ended up going to a top specialist who said that he was fine, he was healthy stop worrying. It was like he actually wanted to be sick or so it felt at the time. I was so damn relieved and he kept saying but I still feel like crap! Like you I was his rock, I stood by him and all the craziness of it all. He was very quick to forget it though. Someday though he will look back at it and say, god I f****d up a good woman.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Reading your story peonyrose also makes me want to talk to you in person, it is uncanny how many similarities we have in our stories. If we were in the same city I would say we were engaged to the same man.

 

Mine will never come back nor will he regret his decision for the simple reason that he was convinced it was all me who destroyed our relationship and that all he did was "give" and a I wasn't happy enough. For a while there towards the end of our relationship he had managed to convince me that I was a) going crazy and b) creating all our issues. I come to find out that my suspicions were definitely founded, and that the issues I was creating was due to his lies, him pulling away, and gasslighting me because he "had other plans that clearly did not involve me" It wasn't until I started seeing my therapist that I explained all that I have done wrong and all the things I experiences with him that she helped me see that there is NO way that it was all me because relationship dynamics develop by two people it IS as simple as that. His mental abuse became so profound that I was convinced of things that I now see weren't like that. For that reason I don't think he will ever regret or come back.

 

I also read somewhere, when he was going through that year of unemployment and the big issues started for us and he was at his all-time low and it put a tremendous strain on our relationship, I was supporting us financially for about 6 months and I was totally fine with that we both make good incomes but he couldn't handle it, he had supported me in past while I was out of work but he was fine with that. I read that some men when they experience a real low in their lives, like losing work and allow their women to see them in such a vulnerable state, that their ego once they are better forces them to move on because they can never get past the idea that we got to see them in such a low form.

 

I read that somewhere and it always stuck and sure enough that is what happened. He got back on his feet and moved on. Now I am not saying that is what happened to yours but how do you go from wanting to marry a woman and spending the rest of your life with her and then having "life happen" to wanting nothing more to do with her. It makes no sense. These men are clearly immature, they are not ready for marriage, or life or anything that resembles true responsibility and hardship.

 

I remember when we were caring for our SIL he would do it begrudgingly and it really bothered me, this poor woman was in her last days she was dying no one wants to spend their free time looking after a dying person of course it is depressing and it is hard work but that's life, and yet he "felt guilty" admitting he didn't want to do it. Well no one wants to go to hospitals or see someone they love die. How selfish can you be? We fought about that too. About the fact that it bothered me that he could so self centred. One of the last times we went to hospital she could barely talk and her brain was plagued with tumors and in her last days and he was "concerned that she looked at him in a glaring manner" she wasn't even really "here" anymore. And that was his concern?

 

Perhaps that was his self-conscience speaking to him, it was was he who was looking at himself with disdain and judging him because he knew he was doing rotten things.

 

These men need a lot of growing up to do Peonyrose, it sounds like they wanted to be ready for a family and a life of marriage but deep down they were not.

[Sunkissedpatio]

So you sat outside the casino and nothing? Couldn't go in? Didn't see anything?

Have you thought of what you would do if you see him with another woman? Or even what you would say to him if it is just him?

[peonyrose]

Sunkissed no I saw nothing, and yes I have asked myself what will I say if I see him? In reality I'd love to go up slap him and say this is from me and the other women, you tried to destroy! But not sure yet and might be too soon and too raw for me right now.

 

He too started blaming me for stuff recently, when we met 2 weeks with my mother ( which he wanted, not me.) I felt so uncomfortable anyway he had a list with him of all the stuff I needed to change, I was like, you are joking, right?. But no he was serious. He said, I needed to be more honest about money ( I had 230 euro only a week) from which I bought all our food, petrol for car and all my teenagers needs, and some small weekly bills. I never spent one cent on me, not one! Another was I needed to let him be himself at home and watch his movies, and I was not to drink wine anymore, and so on. I felt like a kid, and so uncomfortable but I said OK I will try do it for us to be OK! I like you also think he will never come back, as he has in his head blamed my flaws for everything.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Right down to the "laundry list of faults" exactly like mine! though he didn't pull out a list the last time I saw him he came by to pick up the remainder of his things he had left at our place when he was still with me he told me all the things wrong with me that I needed to change and he didn't believe I would.

 

The night I had the meltdown at his new place he told me he was feeling suffocated and just needed space, this was after I confronted him about lying to me and disappearing from work for hours at lunch and the claiming he was busy just working at his desk. he wasn't! he had gone out for lunch that day and disappeared for 3 hours and I caught him in the lie and he was livid. So he claimed he needed space and was feeling suffocated. Meanwhile he was WITH HER! that is why he was feeling suffocated and needed space so that he could play things out with her and still have me in the picture as a back-up plan.

 

And this is the same guy that would text me 50 times a day and if I was in a meeting at work or just bogged down doing my thing at work he would text me incessantly to see where I had gone and if "everything was ok?"

 

Now this is from a man who was co-dependent from the get-go. He had no friends was very distant from his family who live all over the country and would take issue if I wanted to go out with my friends and exclude him. So I conformed to his way of being we did everything together, because we loved each other's company, but also for me it came to the point that I would rather avoid his insecurities and having to reassure him if I wanted to be out for dinner with girlfriends I just assumed not go then to have to worry about reassuring him. And that is the rel. we developed and now he was telling me he was feeling "suffocated!?!?"

 

Yes he was suffocated because for as long as I was willing to dig deeper to see what was going on he could not live out his fantasy to be with his work OW! Dirt bag!

 

I've read it over and over again, when they turn it all on you they are projecting they are making it easier for themselves to justify their actions which they feel guilt about. I don't know if yours has another woman but the fact he made it all be about you tells me he was feeling guilt about something.

[peonyrose]

Yes sunkissed still so eerily alike. The same man, would also text me all day, everyday. When I was out doing stuff or wasn't available for our daily lunch chat, he'd ask what are you doing? Your keeping stuff from me? I'd be like ah no I'm just doing some things, nothing major, just need to do stuff. Lately I was busy because a part of me felt I was going to be on my own soon, I stopped my psychology studies and applied for a quick carers course so I could start work quick, although he knew all of this, i am not quite sure he got it. I was saying to him days before he left " babe I feel I'm losing you, I'm scared" to which he responded by going out with friends for drinks 2 hours later he rang me "babe I want to come home, and talk, I don't want to be out" so we had a big talk that night and woke up happy we shopped forca barbecue the weekend after and made plans, he left 4 days later. And here we are 24 days on! And no contact 15 days. Sunkissed I don't know how to make any sense of any of this.

[KatZee]

Same exactly story over here with my ex, except we weren't engaged.

 

We were together for 3 years and then all of a sudden everything was always my fault, why was I like this, he couldn't have a girlfriend who acted like me, all of our problems were my fault, he had to work too much, he didn't have time to see me anymore (he had started a new job).

 

Turns out he met some chick at that new job and was having an emotional affair behind my back, said the same garbage yours said, "I can't be with you right now, I need to be single to 'get my head straight' blah blah blah I still love you, garbage, garbage, puke puke."

 

Then days later I see his cousin uploaded a picture of him and this new girl to Facebook. Of course I saw it and blasted him about it. He had his cousin delete the picture but too late. I saw it.

 

He turned out to be the biggest liar, the biggest POS, the guy I thought he was, and the guy he actually WAS was like night and day.

 

This was 4 years ago and although I have no emotional feeling left for him, I consciously will always despise him. I could not conjure up a more disgusting person if I tried.

 

The girl he left me for didn't even last 30 days, LOLOLOL. As if he thought he could just meet some rando after 3 years with me and she'd compare? PLEASE. I laughed good and hard at that one.

 

I, unfortunately, never got a chance to confront him in person, the night we broke up in 2012 was the last time I ever saw him. It's 4 years later, but I swear, if I wound up seeing him, I'd most likely start talking s.hit HAHAHA.

 

These people, man. They are all such garbage!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ugh Katze thank you for sharing your story and I LOVE that it didn't pan out. EXACTLY how I feel about mine major POS, major liar who turned out to me NOTHING like what I thought he was.

 

I secretly hope their relationship also blows up in his face but I feel it won't, he is master of charm and a master of pleasing. I now realize he has co-dependant/narcissistic character traits. He was always eager to have others accept him and like him in social/family situations he always the one going out of his way to help and do things in front of everyone that had him seen in a light that he was just a darling of a man, so domesticated, so eager to help and please when all he was was a narcissist with such low self-esteem he needed the praise to feel good about himself.

 

But I know how he was with me, he was extremely charming, the perfect man who never looked at other women, the most attentive and doting man you will ever meet, he love to spend money on me etc etc. he is doing this with her now and there is no woman on this earth that can resist that. having said that he came on VERY strong at the beginning of our relationship and never sat right with me, he wanted to rush through all the natural phases of our "courtship" was telling me I was "the one" after only one month of knowing me. I had to put the stop to all that very early on because it was uncomfortable but I see now that is his game that is what he does he tells women what they want to hear and blinds them with sweet gestures so that you won't questing his character.

 

I am naturally skeptic and don't like to rush into anything without having some level of trust.and he bulldozed over that and made me feel like I was never trusting enough but his very actions are what caused me to feel the mistrust. I know enough about life that if something feels too good to be true it IS.

 

I can see that with his current woman she is falling for it hook line and sinker and his fckd up head he is probably thinking "see this is how it should be" this is what true love is about someone who trusts my motives from the get-go.

 

I'm glad yours blew up in his face POS is right, mine turned out to be a MAJOR POS but his won't because this woman is already telling him she "loves him forever" so clearly what he is doing is working.

 

Yup they are fULL ON GARBAGE!

Edited June 18, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio