Waiting in response for second chance email but found out something devestating

[KatZee]

My ex is the same.

 

To everyone else he is literally PERFECT. I've seen people refer to him as "Mr. Perfect" and no, they were not joking.

 

He had two personalities, the person he was around his family/friends, and then his REAL self.

 

I'm almost 100% convinced my ex is a narcisisstic sociopath. He thrives on the praise of people, and it was when I STOPPED blowing smoke up his a.ss that he really turned on me. He had no use for me anymore. I was no longer fueling him, and I was no longer being controlled BY him.

 

He was emotionally abusive and had me completely brainwashed into thinking that I WAS indeed the reason why we weren't working out. He never took responsibility for any of our problems, he never took responsibility for how he acted, what he said, how he behaved, how he allowed his friends to treat me, no. I was always the problem.

 

His real self often came out when he was drunk, he had a problem with alcohol, probably still does. He gets black out drunk and becomes Mr. Hyde. Saying and doing the most despicable stuff.

 

This is still new to you so you're gonna be hurt first, but after that, get ready for SERIOUS anger, and I wasn't able to get past this until I just forgave myself for remaining with him for as long as I did. There were tons of red flags that I ignored from the start, or justified, or made excuses for.

 

He doesn't really know how to be in a real relationship. He lives in a world where everything is always perfect, and if it's not, that means it's failing. He refused to ever work on his problems or issues, kept everything hidden from me, never was honest in telling me if he had an issue. If he's with someone who thinks he's a god, all is great. The second that's not the case, he becomes a selfish, disrespectful, nasty, rude, every negative adjective you can write here.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Another red flag for me one year into our relationship.

 

I was snooping through his emails and found an email that was from him to another woman I had never heard of before. this email was him professing his love to her and apologizing for how things had ended between them and that his ex girlfriend of 4 years (I did know of her) had messed things up for them because she was a "woman scorned" In this letter he talked about being soul mates with person I had never heard of before, he used words about their relationship and made references to things that I had experienced with him.

 

My heart sank when I read this letter because I thought wow this all sounds very familiar to me and a lot of it was stuff and words that he was expressed to me and I thought were exclusive to our rel. I also had never even heard of this woman he was saying all these things to, so who was this and what was this?

 

I sat on this for a few days until I confronted him. I told him look, you left your computer open and I don't why but I snooped through your email box and found this, can you please explain who this woman was and what all this is about?

 

I was very upset at the time but he managed to tell me that the letter was not him who wrote it but his ex girlfriend of 4 years who broke into his email after he broke up with her and pretended to be him to sully his name and humilite him infront of all these contacts in his email account.

 

At the time the story didn't seem right. Why would his ex do something so low simply because he wanted out of the rel? He had always told that relationship ended mutually that they both drifted apart and wanted to move on plus he had moved here to start a new job so they decided it was best to break up. So why then would she want to get vengeance like that if their break-up was mutual?

 

the other thing that was dodgy about the story was that in the "faked" email he talked about dating this woman while he was still with his ex back in his hometown.

 

His explanation to all this was that his ex went "crazy" that she WAS crazy and faked the email and made up a story that he left her for this other woman I had never heard of before. He managed to convince me that the letter was written by his ex, not him and I eventually bought the story.

 

He deleted all those emails back then but I kept a copy to myself and now that I have been through what I have I see that letter was in fact what I thought it was. He did leave his ex for another woman and he did the same to me. That letter was HIM not his ex.

 

I feel stupid for having believed him but he is a very good liar to say the least and very convincing.

[Sunkissedpatio]

To everyone else he is literally PERFECT. I've seen people refer to him as "Mr. Perfect" and no, they were not joking.

 

 

SAME, exactly the same!!! OMG eww

 

He had two personalities, the person he was around his family/friends, and then his REAL self.

 

I'm almost 100% convinced my ex is a narcissistic sociopath. He thrives on the praise of people, and it was when I STOPPED blowing smoke up his ass that he really turned on me. He had no use for me anymore. I was no longer fuelling him, and I was no longer being controlled BY him.

 

Me too!! Now that I am out of the relationship I am reading up on so many things that I never thought of before that is exactly what I think of mine too he was a narcissistic sociopath. Even in his work he had to be the centre of attention, the nature of his job is to "fix" things he has a pretty high up white collar job and had a lot of people reporting to him and showed a very big lack of empathy for some of his staff which I always thought was very callous and some of his decisions he really didn't care who or how he affected others as long as he was centre of attention saving the day. OMG now I see so many signs I just didn't clue into...

 

He was emotionally abusive and had me completely brainwashed into thinking that I WAS indeed the reason why we weren't working out. He never took responsibility for any of our problems, he never took responsibility for how he acted, what he said, how he behaved, how he allowed his friends to treat me, no. I was always the problem.

 

Same! EXACTLY THE SAME! Mind, you I could be verbally abusive in fights too so that kept in check and I didn't have too much of a leg to stand on myself in that respect but I took responsibility and he never ever acknowledged that so there way no way to apologize or make it up to him if I did screw up. All he saw was the times I wasn't willing to offer the olive branch because I knew it was him who was doing the instigating or was out of line so it was impossible to ever even be accountable for things because he only focused on the negative. Totally unfair, and a true sign of the narcissist.

This is still new to you so you're gonna be hurt first, but after that, get ready for SERIOUS anger, and I wasn't able to get past this until I just forgave myself for remaining with him for as long as I did. There were tons of red flags that I ignored from the start, or justified, or made excuses for.

 

I'm there now I am VERY angry right now and I can see it will get worse.

 

He doesn't really know how to be in a real relationship. He lives in a world where everything is always perfect, and if it's not, that means it's failing. He refused to ever work on his problems or issues, kept everything hidden from me, never was honest in telling me if he had an issue. If he's with someone who thinks he's a god, all is great. The second that's not the case, he becomes a selfish, disrespectful, nasty, rude, every negative adjective you can write here.

 

OMG exactly!! you are speaking like you know this man WOW I can't believe the words you are writing thank you for this thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

 

That is why he was convinced that I thought he wasn't enough, because anything less than constant praise even when he was being despicable and vicious and verbally abusive and I wanted him to change that, was a sign that I wasn't satisfied with him and the man he was and that I chased him away because I needed more. I'm sorry but I did deserve more than a man who was great but then verbally abusive and liar when it suited him. Who doesn't deserve more than that? And super insecure to boot, the amount of accusations I had to endure over the years over nothing.

[KatZee]

Yes, my ex was very insecure too, underneath all his "confidence" he was just a broken little boy.

 

Didn't know how to communicate at all, zero empathy for me, he had no idea how to put himself in my shoes to see what was going on, it was all... "what can you do for me" not "what can we do for each other."

 

I bent over BACKWARDS for this guy. I literally did so much to make him happy, to the point of sacrificing myself, that's how manipulated and abused I was. I felt like I was a piece of garbage nothing and desperate for his approval again.

 

He never gave a s.hit what I did for him. He never cared what I did do, but the second I did something "wrong" or something not to his liking, he'd harp on it, over and over and over, and tell me what a terrible person I was, what a loser I was, how my life was in such a bad place, and how come at age 27 I wasn't in X, Y, Z position.

 

Oh, and on top of him meeting that girl at his new job, turns out he was busy having sex with his ex girlfriend while we were together too. Around month 4 he started banging his ex because he "couldn't decide" who he wanted to be with. I guess the only logical course of action was to have sex with both of us :lmao::lmao:.

 

Biggest idiot I've ever met in my life. Bullet DODGED that we're no longer together, holy crap.

[Trinity7]

It's so crazy reading all of you ladies' stories on this thread.. Every word hits home and could've been written by me. He got mad at me when I called him out for acting shady and lying, (which, by the way, turns out I was right about) then disappeared into the night with no explanation.. With snooping I discovered he was reconciling with his ex and had been for some time.

 

I guess this type of man, boy really, is textbook! My now ex and I weren't together a fraction as long as you guys, so I can't imagine the added hurt of losing years invested . But reading all this makes me glad that mine's true colors came out early because I see now it would've unfolded this way at some point regardless.

 

I'd say the common theme is that they had another woman, so for those still questioning how it went from all to nothing literally overnight, that's probably the answer They are too needy to have ever just left to be on their own.

 

Mine never would've had the strength to stop having me in his life 24/7 if he didn't have someone else lined up to fill that void. Sad thing is, he'll never be able to fill that void.. It only comes from within as we know. They're too shallow to even fathom that.

 

I'm guessing most of us will hear from them again when their new relationships fail. But we have to take the time apart to get strong enough to say HELL NO when/if that day comes. Sounds like most of us are most of the way there

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's so crazy reading all of you ladies' stories on this thread.. Every word hits home and could've been written by me. He got mad at me when I called him out for acting shady and lying, (which, by the way, turns out I was right about) then disappeared into the night with no explanation.. With snooping I discovered he was reconciling with his ex and had been for some time.

 

I guess this type of man, boy really, is textbook! My now ex and I weren't together a fraction as long as you guys, so I can't imagine the added hurt of losing years invested . But reading all this makes me glad that mine's true colors came out early because I see now it would've unfolded this way at some point regardless.

 

Hi Trinity had I not come to this site and posted my story I would still be living in the lie that I lived thinking I was mainly to blame for "chasing someone good away" and I am now seeing that there are a lot of people out there who are just like the POSs that we had as our partners, fiances, and spouses. I feel stupid for having allowed myself to stick around for as long as I did and not seeing the red flags for what they were. You were smart to get out when you did.

 

I'd say the common theme is that they had another woman, so for those still questioning how it went from all to nothing literally overnight, that's probably the answer They are too needy to have ever just left to be on their own.

Mine never would've had the strength to stop having me in his life 24/7 if he didn't have someone else lined up to fill that void. Sad thing is, he'll never be able to fill that void.. It only comes from within as we know. They're too shallow to even fathom that.

 

THIS!!! Yes! Exactly this is what I see and think of him now, he was too weak to be on his own. He was too weak to face life alone and get out of something he no longer wanted. I knew there was more to the story when he became callous and so shut down and was disposing of me so easily when he had always gone back on his word about splitting or if we were in a fight he didn't have the strength to let it go for too long. So yes this exactly it, it's the only way that he could stick to his guns is by having a new person to cushion the fall. He looked rather serious and angry even when I saw them walking hand in hand, he looked tired and worn out so for as much "fun" as they are having I am certain a part of it is him just using this woman as an emotional cushion.

 

 

I'm guessing most of us will hear from them again when their new relationships fail. But we have to take the time apart to get strong enough to say HELL NO when/if that day comes. Sounds like most of us are most of the way there

 

mine is too stubborn for that. I wish it was so just for the chance to tell him where to go, I would NEVER take him back after all this but I do fantasize about him coming back and telling me he made a mistake and having the opportunity to stick the knife back in his back the way he did me. I know that is just my anger talking now and in month's time I won't even want that but right now it is all I want, to hurt him how he did me...

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yes, my ex was very insecure too, underneath all his "confidence" he was just a broken little boy.

 

Didn't know how to communicate at all, zero empathy for me, he had no idea how to put himself in my shoes to see what was going on, it was all... "what can you do for me" not "what can we do for each other."

 

I bent over BACKWARDS for this guy. I literally did so much to make him happy, to the point of sacrificing myself, that's how manipulated and abused I was. I felt like I was a piece of garbage nothing and desperate for his approval again.

 

So did I KatZee and though mine was a talker and we talked about our feelings all the time, he lied to me and was not honest about what he was truly feeling and wanting until it was too late, until he had his "exit" all lined up and that is when all the truth came out. When it was too late for me or us to fix anything. he was incapable of taking accountability and by putting all the onus on me he knew that it would be our demise because we were stuck in a power struggle of pointing fingers and shifting blame, but even when I was able to take the steps necessary to want to fix my part it was too late and as my therapist says it would have never worked with just one of us working on our issues because it took two of us to create them. The problems we had were insurmountable from one side only and for that I also hate him for putting me in a position to fail no matter what and he couldn't be honest about that right til the end he had be believe he was totally in and totally in love, with his words and actions, he faked it right until the end and that is why I hate him so much because i am left trying t piece together what was real and what wasn't. Nothing does your head in more than that.

 

He never gave a s.hit what I did for him. He never cared what I did do, but the second I did something "wrong" or something not to his liking, he'd harp on it, over and over and over, and tell me what a terrible person I was, what a loser I was, how my life was in such a bad place, and how come at age 27 I wasn't in X, Y, Z position.

 

exactly like mine!

 

Oh, and on top of him meeting that girl at his new job, turns out he was busy having sex with his ex girlfriend while we were together too. Around month 4 he started banging his ex because he "couldn't decide" who he wanted to be with. I guess the only logical course of action was to have sex with both of us :lmao::lmao:.

 

wow did you find out back then or was this something that come out now?

[Trinity7]

mine is too stubborn for that. I wish it was so just for the chance to tell him where to go, I would NEVER take him back after all this but I do fantasize about him coming back and telling me he made a mistake and having the opportunity to stick the knife back in his back the way he did me. I know that is just my anger talking now and in month's time I won't even want that but right now it is all I want, to hurt him how he did me...

 

I wish you could have the chance to repay him.. But I agree that you won't want or need that anymore down the road. I think I'm getting close to the anger phase.. I'm looking forward to it, if for nothing less than to have a reprieve from the despair stage.. It's exhausting . But, like you, I know in my head I could never take him back.. Just working on having my heart catch up to that. Reading your thread and seeing what would be in store for me with him really helps!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well Trinity the worst part about your situation, though the relationship was a lot shorter than ours, in your situation you were still very much in the full-on in love head over heels honeymoon phase. Which makes it that much harder to move on from because you are plagued with the what-ifs of what was down the line for you.

 

If our stories can bring you any reprieve from thinking of what was to come, and it can give you a sneak peak into what was to be expected down the road then try to focus on that when you are missing all the good. The mind is a tricky thing, I was only focusing on the all the good when we first broke up and I would try and try to remember the bad and was falling short every time. As soon as I found out about all the lies, and the OW it was so much easier to feel anger over the yearning I was stuck in.

 

Give it a few weeks it does get better. Trust me I never thought I would get out of the funk I was in three weeks ago and slowly each week feels a tiny bit better. Anger is good place to be for now, better than the sorrow which is really debilitating and paralyzing. I hope you start to "hate" soon too. If only to get out of all the pain.

 

Not going to lie, I still have those moments throughout the days where I want to scream and I have to excuse myself to the bathroom at work because the waterworks start. In fact at one point last week I almost had an out of body experience where I couldn't believe this was my life now, that this was actually happening that the last 4 years are down the drain and there is nothing I can do about it and it was the most horrifying feeling I have ever felt. I literally felt like I was losing my mind for those minutes. But it passes. It all passes...

Edited June 19, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[peonyrose]

Narcissist and empathy, have come up a lot in my conversations with people lately, about my situation. On looking more into both I see that it may apply. As a psychology student I feel stupid, and crazy for not seeing things that were right in front of my face. But I guess I was just living life, living our life, having no need to delve into all of that. Looking back on things now, and stories he told me. I think this running and abandonment is something he does and has done for a long, long time. I would love to speak to his ex wife but I wont , its there history so I will leave it, but the temptation is high because I am searching for some answers!

 

He used to block his brother and sister a lot on social media since I met him,then after a while unblock them, I found this very strange and used to say to him how unhealthy I thought it was.

[peonyrose]

Girls I think it might be time I did some digging, most likely outcome is that yes there is another woman involved. All the stories I have read are just so damn similar. I'm not sure where to start? Any advise ladies?

[Trinity7]

Sunkissedpatio-- I'm so sorry you had to deal with that traumatic feeling last week.. Not sure what word to use, but I know exactly what you mean.. The panic and realizations can get so overwhelming sometimes. It's just the worst damn feeling ever

 

I find it hard to believe that they'll find partners who did or would have put up with more from them. I notice most of the people who are hurt deeply enough to seek out support forums are sensitive and loving people who would've been willing to work through anything. I think knowing I have so much love to give and having been ready to give it all just to have it cut off out of the blue is the hardest part for me. And it's like, why wasn't it enough?

 

Peonyrose-- I sure hope that's not the case for you, but it would fit the situation Snooping on social media is how I discovered the truth with mine. Maybe start there.

[KatZee]

My ex had no intention of confessing to cheating. We were together 3 years, he was cheating at month 4. He "came clean" when we were over 2 years together only because there was a threat of someone telling me.

 

I went out for "girls night" one evening, his friends were all garbage, petty, and super nasty, but I went anyway because I did nothing but try And try to get them to accept me. Well, I show up, and these idiots thought it would be a BRILLIANT idea to invite his ex!!!! So I show up and she's there. We all are sitting at a table and it's dead silent and awkward, like why would it have been any other way? So all of a sudden one of the girls goes, "wellllll thissss is awkward...I'm just going to keep drinking." Then she looks at the ex gf and goes "you should tell her. You should totally tell her." An arguemt ensued between them with the ex telling her to stfu.

 

I obviously went home later that night and spoke to my bf and was like oh something weird happened tonight and told him the story. He was silent, ended the call, didnt hear from him for 3 days. When he finally nutted up to talk to me he confessed on the phone because it was either it was going to come from his ex gfs mouth or his and he was basically forced to tell me.

 

But no he had no intention of ever being honest. He's a cheater, was a cheater before me, cheated on me, and I'm entirely confident he will cheat again. That's his character flaw.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Narcissist and empathy, have come up a lot in my conversations with people lately, about my situation. On looking more into both I see that it may apply. As a psychology student I feel stupid, and crazy for not seeing things that were right in front of my face. But I guess I was just living life, living our life, having no need to delve into all of that. Looking back on things now, and stories he told me. I think this running and abandonment is something he does and has done for a long, long time. I would love to speak to his ex wife but I wont , its there history so I will leave it, but the temptation is high because I am searching for some answers!

 

Can our situations be anymore alike?

 

I am going through the exact same thing and after finding this site and posting my story on here and the initial comments on this thread I too am finding out some things that in the 4 years together I never would have known about and it was looking me right in the face too!

 

Mine isn't on social media except for linkedin (he dropped me from there last week) he had a brief FB account while we were together and I am convinced it was to keep tabs on me because he was super threatened by me on FB profile once he realized how I use my profile and that I am quite boring in that I only have friends family and ex colleagues on there, plus my comp and profile were always open and up at home (he looked through everything many times) he lost the appeal to check up on me and he pulled his account. The first thing he did was block his exs when he put his profile up though.

 

So same thing, he has no online presence and now I see why. Who would, with all those fkcn lies and secrets that could come back to haunt him any time.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Trinity: Thanks for your nice words. I am ok now though. I do have my moments but they pass. The way I see it now, SHE can have him and she can have all the lies and keep that scum bag. Better her than me. I dodged a major bullet there.

 

KatZee: Unbelievable what his friends did, I guess though what you describe is typical of "mean girls" attitude they tried to warn you. Even if they did have self-serving motives. I wish someone tried to warn me.

 

And I agree fully, they will not change, this will happen again and again. Maybe not tomorrow but the inevitable boredom and problems in a relationship do eventually creep up and we all know how these men deal with that and I highly doubt they will change for anyone because at 49 years of age, in my ex's case, that is what he knows. No woman on earth can change that. Especially the one I saw he is with now, he downgraded for sure, he is too superficial for that not to hit home when he wakes up and realizes what he traded in for.

 

I have a feeling he will get her pregnant and will be stuck with her. I know he didn't want kids and was good with kids but not for the long haul he becomes impatient and is not cut out to have that kind of responsibility in his life. He is way too narcissistic to dedicate himself and transfer his needs onto a child.

 

 

So KatZee I am curious what has happened to yours in the past 4 years? Do you know what came of him?

Edited June 19, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

Girls I think it might be time I did some digging, most likely outcome is that yes there is another woman involved. All the stories I have read are just so damn similar. I'm not sure where to start? Any advise ladies?

 

 

sounds like the only way for you is to pay an investigator and have him followed. You don't have access to anything of his online so that would be the only way. Or you can keep staking out the casino and bar he frequents and see what you catch there...

 

I too have toyed with reaching out to his exs and my friends are telling to do it since they are easily reachable on FB but I don't think I want to open that can of worms when I already have all the answers I need for my situation.

 

In your case it might depend on whether you still have hope of getting back together, if you do reach out to his exs you can pretty much kiss that goodbye. You don't know yours has another woman and he might very well regret his decision down the line. In your case there is hope of reconciliation if you are willing to overlook the betrayal of how he ended things...but that is up to you.

[peonyrose]

sounds like the only way for you is to pay an investigator and have him followed. You don't have access to anything of his online so that would be the only way. Or you can keep staking out the casino and bar he frequents and see what you catch there...

 

I too have toyed with reaching out to his exs and my friends are telling to do it since they are easily reachable on FB but I don't think I want to open that can of worms when I already have all the answers I need for my situation.

 

In your case it might depend on whether you still have hope of getting back together, if you do reach out to his exs you can pretty much kiss that goodbye. You don't know yours has another woman and he might very well regret his decision down the line. In your case there is hope of reconciliation if you are willing to overlook the betrayal of how he ended things...but that is up to you.[/quote

 

 

Sunkissed I have an update, I went out for dinner with my family today, everyone was been quiet and acting like something was going on. Me been me, said let's cut the crap what is it? Did ye see him? So my sister (26) says yes I did, I don't know if you want me to tell you as I know you are trying to block this pain out, to which I replied yes I want to know, so..........

 

She was in our local market yesterday morning with a large group of her friends, when who walks over straight through the middle of her group, only HIM. She was so stunned and found it very rude, he proceeded to ask if they could please talk, she said NO. So he started talking anyway, she said stop I am not interested, what you did to my sister was cruel and very wrong! So he said please step aside for a minute, again she said please go away. Anyway eventually she moved aside and he said he was sorry that he had "no other choice" but to leave (haha yeah right) that things were not good, that he felt I had issues with alcohol, and that he no longer wanted to drink, that I stopped him from being himself in our home, that my daughter didn't respect him or talk to him much! ( my daughter must have sensed **** before I even did!) That he didn't get to watch his movies in peace!!!!!!!!!!! She said I don't really care what your reasons are, what you did was unforgivable, he said again he had no choice that he "looked into social welfare" and that I would be OK that they would help me with the rent (can you believe the audacity of the man) she said no your wrong she is not entitled to any help, that I have to try find 2 jobs now to cover my bills. His response was I am also left with loads of bills to pay, I'm struggling too! The damn liar! Eventually she said I'm going this is not my place to speak to you. Now goodbye, then he walked after her and said please sit with me and have a coffee and we can talk more! She said NO I am leaving, do not follow me.

 

So she basically told me, he looks awful, he was unshaved, awful hair and looked like he lost a lot of weight. That he seemed very low in himself, moping around, with his head down!

 

She also said, he was selfish only really talking about himself, and when she said that he should have done things in a kinder and less cruel way, he said there is no way to end things on a good note!

 

She told me to get over him, that she could not see him ever coming down off his I am right and she's (me) the problem, who caused it all. That maybe even a apology will never be made to me, that he's too stuck on how wronged he was, and how messed up I am! What a joke.

 

Oh and she said my poor sister actually thought you had met someone, he said NO I don't want anyone, I am better on my own, I work better on my own! So why drag me into your damn life so if you knew all of this.

 

I've cried for the last hour, I don't know what to make of it?

[peonyrose]

He also said that I am unwilling to face my problems, ah hello I am in weekly therapy for over a year, because I wanted to deal with some stuff, and I have made huge progress all of which he knows about, because he used to insist we'd meet after my weekly session and chat about it. I must have been crazy letting him in on my personal journey and my private stuff. But I did I was 100% honest and open throughout our relationship. I probably have had wine a bit more than usual the past 6 months, but man look at why? All the worry when he was sick, then my daughter was been bullied, then all the crazy stuff with his daughter and him arguing with me constantly. I literally forgot how to relax so I'd have some wine and I felt like I could be strong again for everyone. But he never said one word to me about it, first I heard was a week before he left. So the liar was in no way honest about his feelings or what he wanted.

 

My sister also said, you asked my sister to marry you only 5 months ago, and then you run out on her, that it was disgusting. He said " I meant it when I asked her, she was my world, I thought things would get better" liar!

 

Obviously has some guilt if he's looking so awful, she said she nearly didn't recognise him.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Wow peony major developments on your situation!

 

Everything you are describing I can tell you I lived on the other side of the pond.

 

The "i meant it when I asked you to marry me you are my world" YA! A conditional engagement is not what I understood from the proposal. When I said yes I said yes warts and all, not on the condition that things or he would change. I knew WE had problems but I assumed, like in all marriages, you work at it together and you both fix the damage you have done. What bullsht to say "I'd hope you would change" mine would say that to me too. when I would throw the ring back at him after hearing a laundry list of everything wrong with me on top of all the insults and deep cutting hurtful things he would say in a fight, his excuse for still being in the engagement was "I keep hoping you will change" UNBELIEVABLE!

 

It sounds like yours is making all kinds of excuses, right down to the "too much drinking" Mine was calling me an alcoholic at one point in fights because I like to have wine in the house and I like to have a glass maybe two with dinner for 4 out 7 day of the week. He had the exact same habit, he drank the same amount I did.

 

EXCUSES!

 

Those aren't real concerns, if they were they would have seriously sat us down and said "I need to you quit x,y,z" there was none of that because they were excuses.

 

I'm sorry, you must be in so much pain right now. It sounds like yours just had a change of heart. At least you didn't find out he was two-timing you, it just makes things exponentially harder and more convoluted and it really messes with your head.

 

 

In a way if he is struggling with staying away then you can kind of see why he closed himself off as he did, it is the only way that he can have the strength to stay away. I'm not saying what yours is doing is admirable in any shape way or form, but there is a level of self-preservation that has kicked in for him to have to be so cold and calculated.

 

What I have issue with is this idea he wanted to talk to your sister. He needs to to talk to you so that you can settle your finances and not leave you high and dry as he did. That is super wrong!

 

I have a feeling yours will come back down the line, especially since he is so concerned with how he looks in front of your family. I could be mistaken but that is the impression I get.

Edited June 19, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[KatZee]

So KatZee I am curious what has happened to yours in the past 4 years? Do you know what came of him?

 

He met his now wife just over 6 months after we broke up.

 

Universe couldn't have dealt out any karma, eh? Nope. He basically ruined my entire life, and went on to walk off into the sunset. Not one bad thing has happened to him in the past 4 years.

 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't very, VERY angry about that.

 

The only thing I can think of is he's being VERY manipulative and snake like. He's got his whole facade up right now, they had a very rushed relationship/move in/engagement. I have a very strong feeling that when "real life" hits, and problems start arising, he's going to fall into his repetitive negative behaviors again.

[peonyrose]

Wow peony major developments on your situation!

 

Everything you are describing I can tell you I lived on the other side of the pond.

 

The "i meant it when I asked you to marry me you are my world" YA! A conditional engagement is not what I understood from the proposal. When I said yes I said yes warts and all, not on the condition that things or he would change. I knew WE had problems but I assumed, like in all marriages, you work at it together and you both fix the damage you have done. What bullsht to say "I'd hope you would change" mine would say that to me too. when I would throw the ring back at him after hearing a laundry list of everything wrong with me on top of all the insults and deep cutting hurtful things he would say in a fight, his excuse for still being in the engagement was "I keep hoping you will change" UNBELIEVABLE!

 

It sounds like yours is making all kinds of excuses, right down to the "too much drinking" Mine was calling me an alcoholic at one point in fights because I like to have wine in the house and I like to have a glass maybe two with dinner for 4 out 7 day of the week. He had the exact same habit, he drank the same amount I did.

 

EXCUSES!

 

Those aren't real concerns, if they were they would have seriously sat us down and said "I need to you quit x,y,z" there was none of that because they were excuses.

 

I'm sorry, you must be in so much pain right now. It sounds like yours just had a change of heart. At least you didn't find out he was two-timing you, it just makes things exponentially harder and more convoluted and it really messes with your head.

 

 

In a way if he is struggling with staying away then you can kind of see why he closed himself off as he did, it is the only way that he can have the strength to stay away. I'm not saying what yours is doing is admirable in any shape way or form, but there is a level of self-preservation that has kicked in for him to have to be so cold and calculated.

 

What I have issue with is this idea he wanted to talk to your sister. He needs to to talk to you so that you can settle your finances and not leave you high and dry as he did. That is super wrong!

 

I have a feeling yours will come back down the line, especially since he is so concerned with how he looks in front of your family. I could be mistaken but that is the impression I get.

 

 

Sunkissed none of it makes sense. Why approach my sister and why be so damn adamant that he was going to talk whether she wanted to listen or not. She said he stood there for 15 minutes and hardly stopped to catch a breath. She cut him off like 5 or 6 times and he still kept going! She said he looked a total mess!

 

He even said to Herr I had to go I guess you know that a few months ago we got physical and hit each other after a few drinks, she said "no my sister is a very private person and you should not be telling people every private detail of the relationship you and her shared" to which he said, you see she's in denial, she didn't even tell ye that because she knew ye would question her about her wine drinking! I mean what a sick b*****d to twist stuff like that. He like your ex was quite happy to have some wine together 3 or 4 evenings a week, but then he decided 4 weeks ago he didn't want to anymore and I became the problem! Coward. He had no honesty in him, lately I said to him I must cut back a bit on it,and he said no babe sure your fine its your relaxation time when you sit back at the end of the day. What a liar, he obviously didn't think that.

 

As for him coming back in the future, no sunkissed that will never happen. He is too self righteous for that. He's the "victim"

[Sunkissedpatio]

He met his now wife just over 6 months after we broke up.

 

Universe couldn't have dealt out any karma, eh? Nope. He basically ruined my entire life, and went on to walk off into the sunset. Not one bad thing has happened to him in the past 4 years.

 

 

What a piss off! I can totally relate with you feeling that way. Don't you worry though, it'll come. His life isn't over yet, Karma will get him, it always does. The fact you haven't seen anything outward doesn't mean it isn't happening already either.

 

Peony - wow he really went to town to justify why he left. If the relationship was abusive then maybe that is the reason why he left, he may feel like your dynamic can't change. Mine ended up feeling that way too but he was half if not more than half of the problem and if they refuse to work their sht out then you can't have a relationship like that.

 

Sounds like yours is full-on in victim mode, can't reason or level with someone like that.

 

He will have to come to terms with his own decision. I think maybe he might come around if he takes time to himself to think things through. you never know. But he needs to do it on his own.

 

I thought that is what I was doing with my ex, HA! little did I know his "space" meant play the field with his affair partner and keep me on the backburner as plan B in case that failed. At least yours just needs space to think and sort himself out alone, that is admirable considering how shtty he ended things.

[peonyrose]

[quote=Sunkissedpatio;694924

 

Peony - wow he really went to town to justify why he left. If the relationship was abusive then maybe that is the reason why he left, he may feel like your dynamic can't change. Mine ended up feeling that way too but he was half if not more than half of the problem and if they refuse to work their sht out then you can't have a relationship like that.

 

Sounds like yours is full-on in victim mode, can't reason or level with someone like that.

 

He will have to come to terms with his own decision. I think maybe he might come around if he takes time to himself to think things through. you never know. But he needs to do it on his own.

 

I thought that is what I was doing with my ex, HA! little did I know his "space" meant play the field with his affair partner and keep me on the backburner as plan B in case that failed. At least yours just needs space to think and sort himself out alone, that is admirable considering how shtty he ended things.

 

Hi sunkissed how was your day today? Good or bad day?

 

I had a long day, started off OK, although I slept maybe 3 hours last night, the meeting of him and my sister played over and over in my mind. I was analysing everything and then started worrying I only remembered some of the stuff she told me! Such crazy behaviour and not like me but then again nothing about the last 4 weeks has been normal!

 

Its funny I enjoy might few exchanges with you on here, I feel like you totally get everything I say. Reading over your messages again, its like our exes are nearly the same person, what you said about the accusations, and calling you an alcoholic, and never ever truly saying what it was he wanted or needed, and the age of course. Plus the history of broken relationships and poor relations with their children.

 

Today I banged into a friend I haven't seen in a long time, so she was saying how happy she was to hear I got engaged, that I deserved so much to meet a good guy ( if only she knew) that I was alone long enough working bringing my daughter up, it went on and on... I just smiled and agreed, I actually couldn't speak, this feeling of loss and disappointment came over and I had to tell her I was very sorry but I had to go to a appointment! I sat in the car and cried for a hour. I've totally avoided seeing people or been on social media, because I still can't believe its over, my dream of our wedding and life is over. Oh god, I nearly blocked my caller id and was going to ring him and beg! I didn't.

 

Both those men were cruel to break our dreams like they did!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh Peony - oh Im so sorry to hear you ran into someone and had to play along. I feel for you SO much! I still wear my ring to work to avoid explaining and I also have been laying low on FB as to avoid any "when's the wedding again?" questions.

 

I know what you mean, I get some relief from the over-thinking by coming here talking to you and the other girls as well. Thank goodness for this really cool site and for your ladies showing support and sharing.

 

I'll tell you how my day went. And I am truly embarrassed to tell this and to divulge here just how low my ex has sank. Over the weekend I was looking at a rewards card profile of mine and I noticed that I was missing half the points.

You can check the transaction history and there I saw the half my points were transferred out of the account.

 

Right away I knew who and what that was about. The mthr fckr decided to log into my profile and transfer half my rewards points to his new card. WHO DOES THAT? How low and angry do you have to be? I mean HE is the despicable one so angry at me and trying to punish me? What sense does that make? Can anyone please explain why this man is so vengeful when he is the one that majorly deceived me?

 

Luckily this morning I spoke to the company, sure enough, the points were transferred to a card low and behold "his name" I explained I had been broken into my account and that I didn't make the transfer and luckily they transferred them back. I changed my PW and sent him a nasty email but I am sure he never got it because I'm certain he's blocked me.

 

Oh well nice surprise he will get when he sees his account suspended and the points gone. What a DOUCHE!!

Edited June 20, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Trinity7]

WTF?? Wow, how low can you get? He should be ashamed, but knowing this type of guy, he probably won't be I'm trying to stop attempting to figure out what they could possibly be thinking-- I don't think we'll ever know or understand.. Honestly they may not even know the answers.

 

I think these types of men are impulsive and reactionary, and anything that makes them feel negative, be that guilt, shame, whatever, causes them to lash out and transfer the blame. They can't handle not feeling like they're in the right. If it wasn't so painful, the level of immaturity could almost be comical sometimes.

 

I'm so sorry you're still having to have ANY sort of reminders and dealings with this jerk. I'm glad you were able to get the transaction reversed at least x