Waiting in response for second chance email but found out something devestating

[Sunkissedpatio]

I think these types of men are impulsive and reactionary, and anything that makes them feel negative, be that guilt, shame, whatever, causes them to lash out and transfer the blame. They can't handle not feeling like they're in the right. If it wasn't so painful, the level of immaturity could almost be comical sometimes.

 

 

 

Trinity you are SO RIGHT. You totally hit the nail on the head with everything you just said. He is very impulsive and reactionary and then when he calms down feels stupid and even regretful. But honestly all that he is doing now is SO out of character for this man I don't even know who or what he is anymore. He was always very giving and generous and not the type to seek revenge and now he is the complete opposite. Since I found out about the infidelity it's like he has been possessed by something or someone else. I don't even know who or what I am dealing with anymore.

 

Is it the medication he is on? Is it the affair? Was he like this all along and suppressed it for 4 bloody years? I'm losing my mind trying to make heads and tails of all this...

[Trinity7]

Ugh, I know, all the wondering and analyzing is exhausting I think the nastiness could be a byproduct of guilt.. That's my best guess. Some people, especially guys, express all "bad" emotions as anger.. At least at first. It's probably a defense mechanism. I really wouldn't have guessed in a million years that mine could be nasty to me. Like yours, it only came about after I called him out for lying. So the trigger is somewhere in that moment-- embarrassed for being caught? Guilty for having cheated/lied? Mad about not being believed (even though it was lies)? I'm just not sure. But damn, it sucks.

[peonyrose]

Seriously, have these men any damn boundaries, like quit the crap, ye did enough damage, caused enough pain. Like the fact your ex did that with your card, doesn't even surprise me. Nothing can, after been left high and dry, and in a financial mess. Do you think our 2 exes have lost their minds or something? Because like you said, you feel you don't even know the man anymore, that he was kind and generous, mine was too. Its like its a different person, did all these awful things to me. I still can't make it OK in my head!

 

Yesterday I found out a bit more of the things he said, and the horrible man actually told my sister about something that was very private between us( I feel so betrayed) the anger in me is scary, he really went to town on the whole " alcoholic" thing, my therapists was so surprised today, when I told her he's telling people I'm an alcoholic! She said he is only justifying his reasons for leaving with himself and anyone who will listen, because he knows he did the absolute wrong thing! She said he hadn't much to use, so he picked the one thing he thought might justify it, she said I use alcohol sometimes as a way to cope, and he knew it and used it. ( how cruel) and she said no I am not an alcoholic. HE actually nearly had me believing it. I trusted him with all my private stuff and our private stuff, feel so betrayed..

 

Seems I can't contact the man, I messaged his sister, it was a very well put together, honest no drama, no nastiness just the complete truth about what he did. I also told her to pass on to my ex, that he better never approach me, family members or friend again, and if hekeeps talking badly about me, that I will let out some secrets of his. That I no longer will be taking anymore sht, that I'm ready to go town on him if that's the way he wants things go, then let's see who comes out the worst! I said a lot more but I am very happy I stood up and said no more, its over!

 

Someone else told me they saw him and the man looks a complete mess! GOOD.

[peonyrose]

I suddenly was able to see him on messenger tonight, he must have unblocked me.. I did it, I broke no contact and I don't care I needed to. I told him exactly what I felt, I got my chance to say something, oh boy, did I need that chance. I told him in a very clear and to the point way ( some heart wrenching comments, the truth.) but still I was loyal to the kind of person I am, I don't like to hurt people but I did let him know that its done, were done, the craps done and that I will repay him the favour of block, block , block. Not easy in any way but I had to take my chance to voice my hurt and anger, I feel a sense of relief. I still keep waiting to see he read it before I block just so I know he saw it, crazy eh! But this whole awful situation has been crazy. Its just after midnight here so I will block him before I go to bed in a few minutes as I actually don't vwant a reply I just wanted to see he read it, for my sake, so I could be sure he got it.

 

Do I feel better? In a way yes, in another way still very very hard to say the things I did, to the man I knew, and to the one I don't know or understand now. I would never talk to the man I knew the way I did tonight and I was very upset sending it, it hurt me does that make sense?

 

But I am glad I got my chance to say something, long overdue.

[Sunkissedpatio]

wow peonyrose big developments on your end! good for you I bet it feels good to get that off your chest with his sister and that he unblocked you and you were able to say the things you did. I really hope he reads things. That is so petty and so low to block you so that you have absolutely not way of contacting, that is exactly what my man-child of an ex did. He always had that tendency I used to tell me he reminded me of the annoying bully kid on the playground who would hurl a rock at other kids and then run and hide behind others claiming martyr status when he was the one who hurled the rock.

 

Unreal!

 

Well do tell us what he responds if he does or even if he reads it. I think he might be having second thoughts or questioning his decision if he unblocked you...

 

Trinity my therapist says they do it to distract from the ugly deeds they are committing.

 

It makes no sense to me either way, whenever I have said done something wrong with someone and I feel guilty or regret the last thing I do is get angry with them...it makes no sense...

[peonyrose]

wow peonyrose big developments on your end! good for you I bet it feels good to get that off your chest with his sister and that he unblocked you and you were able to say the things you did. I really hope he reads things. That is so petty and so low to block you so that you have absolutely not way of contacting, that is exactly what my man-child of an ex did. He always had that tendency I used to tell me he reminded me of the annoying bully kid on the playground who would hurl a rock at other kids and then run and hide behind others claiming martyr status when he was the one who hurled the rock.

 

Unreal!

 

Well do tell us what he responds if he does or even if he reads it. I think he might be having second thoughts or questioning his decision if he unblocked

 

It makes no sense to me either way, whenever I have said done something wrong with someone and I feel guilty or regret the last thing I do is get angry with them...it makes no sense...

 

Ha you the nail on the head with the rock throwing analogy, my ex too was a martyr to his own cause! Are they long lost brothers?!

 

I won't get a response sunkissed, I blocked him from the messenger before I went to bed, I don't want a response, it will only hold me back, he has nothing positive or good to say about me, I'm sure it would be a nasty response if he did try. Even seeing his new profile picture on the messenger last night made me angry, him with a friend looking like he hadn't a trouble in the world!

 

My mind, my body, my head and heart are exhausted, if I ever needed a break away now would be it, going to do the lotto I think!

 

I gave my ring to my mother to put away, me you should sunkissed, I put another ring I had on that finger because I hated seeing it without anything. X

[stillafool]

OP I haven't read your entire thread but from your first post it seems it is best this man has move on from your life. The fighting and arguing all the time is not love and you two didn't need to be engaged. I'm sorry he hurt you by moving on to someone new; but in time you will see this was for the best.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Stillafool you are right. Intuitively and rationally I know this just waiting for the heart to heal and catch up.

 

 

Peonyrose I'm very proud of you that you have the strength to block and not care! Good for you and for showing such strength!

 

The sooner we accept we are better off without "Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers" and this goes for all the douchey partners of everyone who contributed on this thread, the better we will all be.

[peonyrose]

Strong yes sunkissed, but unfortunately I still do care very much for him, I'm not quite sure if he came back begging if I'd be strong enough to resist, not that he will! My heart will take quite some time to get over him and the love I had.

 

Today I came home from a long training day, and my house alarm had gone off. Then I went to put in the code and remembered he changed it the weekend before he left me, so I was like f##k, right what do I do, eventually after many no solution calls. I had no choice but to block my caller Id and ring HIM. Shockingly on the third ring he answered, for a week after he left I blocked my caller id and he never answered!

 

So I said alarm code please, he was like ah ah jen, I repeated alarm code please, he was stuttering sounded so surprised to hear my voice, you could tell by his voice he was shacking, I said one last time alarm code, he gave it and I hung up immediately.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ya but you could still reconcile if he did come begging back, breaking up in a nasty way and cutting you off like that is (as bad as it is) forgivable I suppose, very different than lying about needing time to think about things and picking up with another person. For me that is not forgivable. You guys had problems so a plan of action would have to be put in place as well, no loosey goosey stuff.

 

But, but, but....the real question is how do you trust him not to leave you high and dry again when the going gets tough? So you might forgive but you know yourself best. Can you trust him again not to break your heart like this? If you are the type who can then you could potentially take him back if he begged you back and saw the error in his ways, of course you would need to commit to fixing your issues too.

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed, no is the answer, there is no way back for us! My daughter is in this relationship too, and he didn't even give her a second thought! There is absolutely NO excuse for doing things the way he did, I've spent the last 3 weeks fighting to keep my sanity, my home, my life together. I've had to borrow money to keep the bills paid, and the rent paid. I've been to places in my head since he did this that no human should ever have to go to. I love him but I don't think I'd ever look at him with the open heart and trust I did before. I'm one of those people who doesn't love easily but if I do love you I will give you trust, loyalty and an open heart, if you betray me or hurt me, my heart never loves you the same again.

 

And to be honest maybe I enjoy my wine a bit too much at times but I never get drunk never behave in a bad way with it. Its just a relaxation thing, and he drank it too. Everyday after my psychology course I came home cleaned our home, cooked a healthy dinner for everyone and usually baked a cake or bread, I was just getting on with my life I was good to him I looked after him, he was the one who wanted to argue and fight and yeah eventually I bit back, its too hard when your the only one been honest in the relationship. And if a few weeksd of fighting was enough for him to bail on me then where do you go from there!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh man I SO wish we lived in the same city/country Peonyrose we could be enjoying wine out together and sharing the gory details of our "pathetic pasts" hahah, well mine is pathetic I am not saying yours is.

 

That's just it, once the betrayal (and that takes many different forms not just romantic infidelity) sets in it changes things and you can never go back to loving openly the way you once did. I think that happened to me over time with all the lies I caught him in and all the times he stabbed in the back and used my vulnerabilities against me , he had the WORST habit of doing that, supporting you and being the most caring person and then using certain things against you in a fight related to that situation that he saw you with your guard down. I was too "in the relationship" too see just how destructive this is but I feel now it definitely took a toll. So I can totally see what you are saying about not being able to love openly again.

 

I just got home from work and I'm also enjoying a glass of wine while dinner is cooking in the oven.

 

Quite frankly I love being alone, I enjoy being on my own for as much as I miss him it suits me just fine to be in my own company. You on the other hand have a daughter too, that is also a big consideration if you "divorce a man" so does your daughter How is she handling things?

[peonyrose]

Oh boy, do I agree with you, I can honestly say you and one other person have been my favourite people to talk to recently. Unfortunately you are not living in the same country as me and her, you would love her too.

 

Yes, yes and yes I too love my own company, I love been me, doing my own stuff at home in peace, enjoying my own company at night when my daughter goes to bed, relaxing with some wine reading a psychology book, or a self help book and recently chatting on this to people. I am content in me, which I love. To be honest its been my saving grace, throughout this mess! HE is the opposite loves talking, loves company, needs people around him, never takes any time out to relax and recharge, he is always wound up, always, even how he speaks is 100 miles an hour, I must admit this used to grind on me, exhaust me. I'd find myself turning off from the endless stories, the endless talking. I used to want to say sometimes "hold on, shut the f**k up, for a minute, let me talk."

 

Little bit of me is thinking today that 15 year age gap that meant nothing to me in our relationship, has suddenly meant something since we broke up, I seem to be saying it out loud or something lately especially on this forum, and I never did before obviously because he was my man I loved him. But it was hard, he used to want me to be his "sweet little 35 year old girl" but also have the maturity of him, to have learned the lessons he has in life. Ah no, how can I. We've literally lived polar opposite lives before we met, I had no failed marriages ( let alone 2) I had no bitterness with my exes at all, I have my daughter, I raised her so I don't get how you bail on your kids, a 3 times a year dad. But I didn't judge.

 

But wow sunkissed like you, the stuff I opened up to him about, he used against me, in every damn fight we had. I used to say to him, man you are one disloyal guy, id never use the stuff you told me in confidence against you.

 

We will grow from this sunkissed, and you never know, maybe one day we will get to sit enjoy a glass of wine, maybe even laugh and raise our glasses to the 2 men who lost strong, loyal and honest women ( qualities that are hard to find in this day age and age) one thing life has shown me in the last 4 weeks, you actually never know what way your life will turn, or what direction you find yourself in. I for one will be on an adventure to make new friends, new people, no romance for quite a while, maybe even years if I know me. So I met a friend in you, and that wouldn't have happened without this heartbreak, so always a positive in everything.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh boy, do I agree with you, I can honestly say you and one other person have been my favourite people to talk to recently. Unfortunately you are not living in the same country as me and her, you would love her too.

 

So are you! I am so glad I found this site and got to share out stories!

 

HE is the opposite loves talking, loves company, needs people around him, never takes any time out to relax and recharge, he is always wound up, always, even how he speaks is 100 miles an hour, I must admit this used to grind on me, exhaust me. I'd find myself turning off from the endless stories, the endless talking. I used to want to say sometimes "hold on, shut the f**k up, for a minute, let me talk."

 

Hahaha you made me laugh out loud with that last part. Funny the things we realize that really irked us now that we have some distance!

 

 

Little bit of me is thinking today that 15 year age gap that meant nothing to me in our relationship, has suddenly meant something since we broke up, I seem to be saying it out loud or something lately especially on this forum, and I never did before obviously because he was my man I loved him. But it was hard, he used to want me to be his "sweet little 35 year old girl" but also have the maturity of him, to have learned the lessons he has in life. Ah no, how can I. We've literally lived polar opposite lives before we met, I had no failed marriages ( let alone 2) I had no bitterness with my exes at all, I have my daughter, I raised her so I don't get how you bail on your kids, a 3 times a year dad. But I didn't judge.

 

Well if it is any consolation, we were only 5 years appart, he has an ex marriage and children and could be so immature at times at 49 yrs of age you would think he would have made up his past he had a bit of arrested development at times. So do I though so I can't really talk in that respect but my point being the age gap is less the concern if the experience together matches.

 

 

But wow sunkissed like you, the stuff I opened up to him about, he used against me, in every damn fight we had. I used to say to him, man you are one disloyal guy, id never use the stuff you told me in confidence against you.

 

WOW!! To a T exactly like my situation right down to me asking him"how could I ever trust you when you are the most disloyal when it comes to my vulnerabilities? Prime example of his arrested development.

 

Another example is he used to fight really dirty. I was never a dirty fighter but in being with him over time I too became a dirty fighter. I can remember the exact point in time where I crossed a line I could never go back from and why I did it. It was almost like fighting within limits while he was fighting dirty felt like I always got the short end of the stick. I know that sounds stupid and horrible but that is one of the things I want to change about me more that anything. I hate that it has become my "comfort way to fight" I HATE it SO much!

 

 

We will grow from this sunkissed, and you never know, maybe one day we will get to sit enjoy a glass of wine, maybe even laugh and raise our glasses to the 2 men who lost strong, loyal and honest women ( qualities that are hard to find in this day age and age) one thing life has shown me in the last 4 weeks, you actually never know what way your life will turn, or what direction you find yourself in. I for one will be on an adventure to make new friends, new people, no romance for quite a while, maybe even years if I know me. So I met a friend in you, and that wouldn't have happened without this heartbreak, so always a positive in everything.

 

That would be great, would love to meet! Maybe it will be for our real weddings hahah:-)

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed. Yes I totally get the "dirty fighting" bit, he used to tell me he never did that with anyone else, it was only with me, because I drove him to it. I used to say no, how, I don't go to those low places, I say very hurtful things but I never betray you, I never use the stuff you tell me In privacy, because I treasure your vulnerability why would I want to use it. Although I must admit 2 times in fights the last few weeks I did, I think I wanted to let him see how awfully painful it is. And it worked, he was disgusted and I said now "you see, you've done this to me for months, its broken my heart and I hate myself for it, but you never do".

 

Had a long day, and very little sleep, I dreamt about him all night and even in the dream we were in this awful situation, he was trying to fix it but I was heartbroken, he said please don't cancel our holiday, we need it babe, we need to reconnect, I said I'm not sure I can, I feel broken! ( we were supposed to leave in 9 days for a 5 night trip to a remote hotel in the hills in Ireland) I forgot to cancel it, how could I have remembered with all the stuff that's happened. so I got charged 80 euro on my card for late cancelation ( like I needed that, on top of all the money worry, but I literally forgot) I cried so damn hard I can't tell you, because of the money, because I forgot, which isn't like me just shows how I've literally just been trying one day at a time, and because it was something we were so excited about, it was our trip for just me and him, a hideaway trip. I only booked it 10 weeks ago, it actually froze me for an hour or more to see how much has changed since then.

 

Anyway sorry about the depressing reply, I am over tired and had to do a long case study when I got home. How was your day? I hope you had a good day, tomorrow might be a better day for me.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Peonyrose just wanted to say I am sorry I've not been around much and was wondering if you are doing any better. I see you were having a bad day last week I went away for the weekend to visit family and had a really great time away and disconnected from everything.

 

I am a LOT better. Just getting on with my life and feeling much much better each week. I am actually enjoying my time alone.

 

 

I hear you on the dreaming whoa! been having a lot of dreams about him though some are good and I wake up feeling sad because it was a dream others bad and wake up feeling happy it was just a dream and I am indeed single again.

 

 

It's a journey alright...and I too am having a hard time getting a full night sleep some nights but during the day I feel pretty good all things considered.

 

I'm thinking of you...Trinity I hope you are doing better as well.

[Trinity7]

Hi! I'm glad you got away this weekend-- I did as well for a family reunion out of state. Definitely did me some good to get away and be around family too. Trying to keep the positivity going now that I'm home and alone again.. Definitely more work that way I'm so happy to hear you're having more and more good moments and days! Peonyrose, I hope you are too.

 

Like both of you, I am happiest in my own company and recharge by being alone, so I have that going for me.. Getting plenty of alone time now.. lol.

 

I even have moments where I can feel gratitude that he's not around anymore because I have my space back. He was very needy and likely to turn very suffocating if things had continued to progress. In fact, me asking for some space for myself is what set all this in motion

 

Anyway, cheers to some wine (beer for me ) and alone time-- not a bad silver lining.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Like both of you, I am happiest in my own company and recharge by being alone, so I have that going for me.. Getting plenty of alone time now.. lol.

 

I even have moments where I can feel gratitude that he's not around anymore because I have my space back. He was very needy and likely to turn very suffocating if things had continued to progress. In fact, me asking for some space for myself is what set all this in motion

 

Anyway, cheers to some wine (beer for me ) and alone time-- not a bad silver lining.

 

I am SO glad you are doing better as well Triny, obvi it's no walk in the park (more like a walk down a dark alley at 3:00am while it's raining, and there are rapists lurking) BUT it does get better with time. Great to hear you got away with family time as well.

 

Wow it's like you are describing life with mine too. He was really needy too, I would have to ask for permission to watch one of my shows online that didn't include him, or some evenings I just wanted to come home and not talk much just disconnect and be in a quiet space and I had to hear all this trials and tribulations of work every single night the same stories ARGHHH! LOL Of course I am only telling the bad, there was plenty of good, even great. But I try to focus on the bad, it helps me move forward

 

Cheers, Ill drink to that indeed (I wish we had emojis here haha)

Edited June 29, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed, delighted you had some time away, and some fun. Just what the doctor ordered

 

My daughter is going to Spain on Friday for a week with her best friends mom and sisters, so for the first time in years I will have a week to myself, not quite sure how I feel about it, nervous because I will miss her and nervous to have so much time, because of the downs I seem to be experiencing. If I had money I would go away on my own somewhere and get some much needed relaxation, but soon I hope.

 

I was foolish and saw I was still unblocked on Sunday and sent him a long message about how hurt, and disgusted I felt, that I am so betrayed that he went and spoke about me behind my back, I told him he has erased any good memories I had because of what he done, that he gave me no closure and zero respect and whole pile more, you can imagine.....

 

My reply from him was " hi, most of what you said in your message was not true, or not how I felt. OK you deserve closure. Meet me Wednesday in the town." I didn't reply, it hit me its just crumbs, do I need to just take his crumbs!

 

Today is Wednesday ( the day he said meet) and I know tomorrow he is going to Germany for his 10 day holiday, I won't lie I've had to force myself not to unblock him and say ok I will meet you. But I know if he's as cold as he has been since this started then i will only be setting myself back, and its hard enough as it is. I don't think there's any remorse on his side for any of this, I would probably be setting myself up for a list of my faults and wrongs and some lame excuse of an apology then. Going to go for a long walk in a few minutes I need to stay away from the temptation to meet him today. Do you think I made the right choice?

 

So happy you are doing a lot better, and I have a couple of good days too

[peonyrose]

Hi Trinity, great you also had some time out, and peace and relaxation

 

Well we are 3 lucky women, that we can be content with our own company, this has been our saving grace I would say. I struggle at times of course and get lonely but from reading vsome stories on this, some people cannot handle one moment on their own and seem to be deeply depressed at the thought of been alone. Thank god we haven't fell down that deep hole.

 

Wish ye girls lived close we could meet and have a good old b***h session haha, and put the world to rights.

 

Finding the couple of friends I have are too busy living their own lives to meet up which is fine, all in mid to late 30s so most are married or starting new families. I don't seem to fit into their circle now I'm single again

[Trinity7]

I do think you made the right choice in ignoring his offer for closure!! I say don't go and don't respond. I don't see it doing anything but hurting you worse or pissing you off. There's really nothing he could say at this point to fix what damage has been done. He's not offering much, probably just wants a chance to tell things as he sees them.. F*** that!

 

I hope you'll be able to enjoy your alone time with your daughter gone, but yah, all the empty hours could be tough-- that's when the thoughts attack me. I know what you mean about not having any single or available friends to go out with.. It's tough at this age (36 here) Hope you can find some positive distractions!

[peonyrose]

I do think you made the right choice in ignoring his offer for closure!! I say don't go and don't respond. I don't see it doing anything but hurting you worse or pissing you off. There's really nothing he could say at this point to fix what damage has been done. He's not offering much, probably just wants a chance to tell things as he sees them.. F*** that!

 

I hope you'll be able to enjoy your alone time with your daughter gone, but yah, all the empty hours could be tough-- that's when the thoughts attack me. I know what you mean about not having any single or available friends to go out with.. It's tough at this age (36 here) Hope you can find some positive distractions!

 

Thanks trinity I hope so, I think I did.there was no other woman involved, but he left in a horrible cruel way. A par of me believe it or not, sometimes even wishes there was, so I could make some sense of it all. Somehow I don't even think he can give me the reasons why he left, so no point in me meeting him today. I think this is a pattern he has had in his life for a long time. The hardest part is how he shutdown his feelings, its like those years together were nothing, even his marriage proposal a few months ago feels meaningless to me now too. I've wondered if anything was real.

 

And yeah I'm 35 so its the age weddings and babies I think I'm going to have to try make new friends now, I don't seem to be part of the couples anymore, sad isn't it, how you have to look at your life head on after a relationship, I invested too much in him, I tried to be the perfect woman, and I failed.

 

I'll be curious to see what sunkissed thinks, I've spoken to her a lot on this.

 

Again such a putty we all live so far apart

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Peony been thinking about you! Wow so he wanted to meet up to give you closure. So glad you didn't go. Trinity gave you excellent advise, I was thinking the exact same when I read your words. Don't go! It'll just piss you off and you will feel worse and like it was a waste of time, or worse yet, who needs to sit in front of the ex's so that they can recount for umpteenth time every single little thing wrong with you! NO THANKS!

 

 

Ugh the fact he wanted to meet you to "give you closure" makes me so mad! In some messed up way I bet he actually thought he was doing a good deed. Don't be too quick to think the worst, people have a funny way to show they care sometimes.

 

i totally understand what you mean about having mixed feelings on seeing your daughter go. It will be challenging to be alone for a week but try your very best to enjoy your alone time do whatever you feel like, and we are always here if you just want chat or get stuff off your chest in a moment of darkness.

 

I went to see family and stayed with my sister and it was therapeutic to say the least to be around my nieces who are just a barrel of fun! Totally kept my mind of things it was like a little mini vacation and was missing them dearly when I came back home.

 

I saw an interesting quote the other day that I thought was great for what we are experiencing and it is from a despicable character, Frank Underwood from House of Cards, but I love it any way:

 

"There are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things "

 

What can I say, I loved it and I remind myself of that very quote whenever I find myself slipping.

[Sunkissedpatio]

As per trying your very best to be a great woman, just today as I was coming home from work I was thinking the exact same thing. I took care of this man like a wife for years. Always making sure to have dinner made when "we'd" come home tired from work, but appreciating that his job was so demanding and knew how much he liked that I took care of him and made sure he had nice meals to come home to. Always ensuring his clothes were clean and ready for work, picking up dry cleaning if need be, Getting groceries on my way home to make sure we had nothing missing for the night. Even making love to him at times when I really wasn't in the mood but knowing full well how important it was for us to maintain steady intimacy and make him feel wanted and loved, because despite being tired or not in the mood I knew that a few seconds in all that was out the window and it would just as enjoyable if not more for me to just push through because I loved the man.

 

Meh,you were the "perfect" woman or as perfect as you could be and you did give your all if you feel you did. No one can take that away from you, not even him. Just because they chose to focus on the negatives only and not the good does not make you less of a woman. These men were riddled in issues and we did our damndest to be all that we could be, so did they. No one is perfect so don't let that be your downfall.

 

And on the single friends bit I totally hear you, most my friends are also married or couples all my single friends I rarely see anymore because I let them go after I got so involved wit this man. It was always in the back of my head that I did what I never thought I would for a relationship. There were also the insecurities on this part if I did go out and have too much of good time or staying out for one drink too many. Never came home after midnight it was mostly quiet drinks over dinner etc (not out hanging at the singles bars) but even that was an issue at times.

 

And I kept telling myself, well maybe this is what a relationship at middle age should be like, we devote ourselves to our partners and the single life with single friends is over. BIG MISTAKE. I knew better but went against everything I knew was right for me.

 

And now here we are with our lives to redo from scratch pretty much in every respect. SO wish you gals were in the same city.

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed.....

 

Oh yes I can imagine how much work you put into the relationship, I really can. I was like you I tried to always have things nice, baking cakes and always having good food there, nice dinners funny I put up 21lbs since I met him, because I wanted to sit with him in the evening and make him feel happy and eat dinners he liked, I never ate much in the evenings before I met him, I lost 7lbs since he left. No more late dinners or cakes. He too was kind to me, I know he changed a bit too for me. But it really hurt me he said that stuff to my sister, because I know how much I changed to make us work, hell I stopped socialising, I've been to one club since we met, only went to a bar with him. I did nothing that I thought would cause problems. The wine at home, seriously did he want me to be a saint at 35, to just sit and knit in the evening. He forgot that I had all those years to catch up to him, and I needed to learn stuff, stuff maybe he had already learned. This angers me so much.

 

Oh and I never said in my previous post, one of the reasons I was so torn between seeing him or not yesterday, was also because he might not come back to Ireland after his 10 day trip, I know his family will do their up most to get him to stay, and he misses his son terribly. So I know that options there, and I was too scared to hear him tell me that, I knew he would.

 

Even up to the point of him getting on his flight last night, I had some tiny hope, he might block his caller id and try call me. He didn't. And it hurt! Weird thing is his last trip to Germany he took, the one before me and him went 10 weeks ago! He cut short, he came home 2 days early telling me he never wanted to go for more than 3 days, he missed me too much, that Germany didn't feel like home, that I made Ireland his home, that because of me he finally found a real home. Yup can you believe that and look at us now. He's over there, I'm here fighting to keep my life together.

 

You know what I need right now, someone to put their arms around me, and tell me everything is going to be OK, that I'll be happy again, that this pain will dissapear soon.

 

I was doing OK, until d day yesterday. It just brought up so many things. And my girl going tomorrow morning too, is a big thing for me. How I wish so badly I could go to a beach and lay in the sun for a few days and heal. If I ever needed a break from reality its now.

 

Thanks sunkissed for being a friend on here