Waiting in response for second chance email but found out something devestating

[Sunkissedpatio]

Peony it does and it will get better <big hugs to you>

 

I'm telling you time will heal your pain.

 

I guess I am going through the stages a lot faster than I thought I would because I found about his OW so that really killed the hope for me. It was the nail in the coffin for me and killed any remote chance of reconciliation with him and that is precisely what is helping me move on and the worst and maybe best thing that could have happened. For my own sanity.

 

 

The anger turned into acceptance, and I am still wavering between the two at the moment, I have really REALLY angry days and other days of just accepting it wasn't meant to be, I am meant to be on another path in my life and that's that.

 

I'm telling you this because the idea that it scares you he might move back to Germany and that closes all the doors of hope for you may not be such a bad thing for your immediate recovery. People move across the world and realize they love who they love and move mountains to be together again. That seems like a huge closed door but it can happen. I would however veer away from keeping that hope alive for your own sanity.

 

You will take as long as you take to go through your stages of grief. Just be mindful of lingering in hope for too long because the only one you hurt is you.

 

This may sound silly but it is also a reminder of the power that our minds and that we have over our emotions. I'm a big fan of the notion to "fake it 'til you make it":

 

During that first week that I don't even know how I got dressed and got myself to work I was so depressed and constantly leaving my desk to go have a big cry in the bathroom and when I walked the halls from my office building I could feel my disconsolate facial expression was clearly visible to anyone crossing me in the hallways. So I decided to walk around with a smile of my face, a very forced smile at that, but it helped me look less pathetic to everyone passing me by.

 

What happened was that it actually made me feel better, it brought me out of the darkness just enough to get through my day. So I'd smile at my desk when the urge to cry hit and that slowly got me out of the deep darkness I was feeling.

 

Point being, don't underestimate the power of what you choose to focus on if what you want is to move past the pain. If you focus on hope, you will continue to linger.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh and right down to the weight gain we are living parallel lives Peony - unbelievable! I put on 20lbs in 4 years from eating big decadent meals always chocolate and other junk in the house (he loved junk) I'm back to eating lean and making mostly healthy meals I've lost 10lbs in one month. Another 10 to go!

[peonyrose]

Wow sunkissed, funny how we were living such similar lives, the weight gain, the pleasing, the doing things to change to keep our relationship happy. Crazy!

 

I'm working hard on being positive, I'm faking it to the outside world, believe me. I've been eating Louise hay books, and using positive affirmations as much as I can, I have my good days and then I get the low days, but I haven't gone under. I guess its hard because I'm fighting to save our home, and sort a lot of stuff out financially. But so far I've done everything the correct way, so it can only lead to a positive result.

 

Oh sunkissed I know, him staying in Germany to be honest would probably be the best outcome, I guess I am still just a bit shocked by it all. Things moved so quickly and I hardly had a chance to catch my breath till this week. Because it was only a few weeks of fighting, I haven't loads of built up anger or bad memories, because there really wasn't any until April time. But I do think the age thing was going to become a problem, and not on my side, but his. I think he expected too much from me, and that's what's helping me to go forward.

 

I admire you for your strength, you did things the healthy way. You are not going to waste anymore of your time on a lost cause. Good for you

 

I didn't have this crazy attraction for him that I did for my ex I was with for 8 years, the passion I felt for him, and the lusting I did for him when I finally walked away. I don't have that really for my new ex. It was a different type of love, but I think I will probably find it easier to get over.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well you'll never guess who I just had the pleasure of running into right outside my work?

 

The POS and his wilderbeast just crossed me dead smack on the sidewalk as I was running out to grab a coffee. I saw the wildebeast first and thought hmm that looks familiar and then past a tree there he was hand in hand. We were the only ones on the sidewalk and I was on the phone but as they came closer he saw me and we made eye contact then as they passed me he pretended to not see me and started babbling at her nervously pretending to be looking at something past me.

 

Ugh and I was having a good day I wanted to kick him in the balls and her in the Oompa Loompa sack of a stomach she has.

 

Good thing I have therapy tonight...of all the places, now I can't even walk freely around my work. Great!

[peonyrose]

Oh FFS you poor thing .. Damn don't you think the guy would give you a break, stay away from your work area, have some respect like! Seriously men are so damn selfish, not fair on you.

 

Just goes to show how lucky you are that he's gone. Total disrespectful, selfish fool of a man.

 

Ugh I hope you are OK? Big virtual hug

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ya of all the places to run into them what a selfish prick!

 

Ugh and he got all nervous and weird guess he thought I was going to confront them again. I just kept talking on the phone and walking.

 

I had a good cry when I came back to my office I just never expected to have to see them here. It's funny I felt nothing at seeing him but seeing them really bothered me. I know that's selfish....

 

He's already in love and happy as pig in sht spending money on his bimbo to impress her (the fool forgot to change the bank pw so I can still see what he spends on he blew almost the entire savings for our wedding in the past month on going out with her and sending her money transfers like 300$ at a time a few times a week) who does that!?!? It's been a friggin month!!! Clearly their affair was going on for quite some time.

 

Ya I'm in a foul mood now. I'm sorry I meant to respond to your earlier post but this really set me back today

[peonyrose]

Oh sunkissed, I am so sorry you had to deal with that. What an arrogant pig. Seriously men are a different breathe. Cruel, selfish, betrayers.

 

Wow so his spending all his money, and already bailing her out! Sounds like a real healthy relationship, what sort of a woman accepts money from a guy, after a few weeks together. Sounds like this is one relationship that has started off on a unhealthy note, these never work. When the money runs out, will she be as interested? I think not.

 

This never ending rollercoaster of a ride, after a messy breakup. Ups and downs, big ups and big downs. Grrrrrrrr!

 

I hope your therapist will offer you some comfort when you meet her

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Wow so his spending all his money, and already bailing her out! Sounds like a real healthy relationship, what sort of a woman accepts money from a guy, after a few weeks together. Sounds like this is one relationship that has started off on a unhealthy note, these never work. When the money runs out, will she be as interested? I think not.

 

 

Thanks Peony I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It's kinda been doing my head in since. What shtty luck mine, why does the universe torture me like this?

 

This is exactly my thinking what kind of a woman accepts all this free flowing money above all the other things he is paying for. They go out for dinners most nights during the week then there are breakfast lunch and dinners on weekends. I don't think he's cooked an egg at home all month according to his account activity, then there's all the shopping sprees (I mean he would do that for me on weekends he loved to spoil me but I had a tough time accepting it at times and wee were together 4 years) he takes her shopping were we used to go. And on top of that wires her money sometimes three times a week. What kind of a bimbo is she? And here I was like a fool making him healthy and really good dinners every night pffft

 

I mean he spent lots of money on me but I did on him as well. His wardrobe of clothes I pretty much bought for him I used to Suprise him with clothes colognes etc "just because" or if we'd go out to dinner or drinks I'd pick up the tab too. It looks like he is footing the bill for all their entertainment plus sending her cash!?! WTF!??

 

I'd love to know what that means from the male point of view but I'm annoyed by the fact when you ask that here you get shut down with "it's none of your business you are not together anymore" That's not the point if someone asks a question just answer it to the best of your knowledge don't state the obvious.

 

I'm sorry...I babbling...Im reeling and need to get my butt to therapy lol

[peonyrose]

I can see you need to talk, and I know too well lately how it feels. So no problem, we've been helping each other.

 

Funny how you said, you would like to reach out about the male opinion on this, and feel it will not be received in the right way. I too wanted to do that yesterday, and for the same reasons I didn't. And I agree, some people on this seriously need a bit more empathy, a knowledge that to some of us this is all fresh and not something we have dealt with before, so just be kind, be helpful.

 

I seriously cannot see this relationship going passed the point of the honeymoon phase, and at the rate their dining out and blowing money. This phase will be over soon. What happened to dating, taking things slow. Seems like they jumped right on in, and this will crash and burn, in my opinion.

 

My ex treated me when he could, and I him. Intact I got more enjoyment from buying him a nice gift. Although our incomes were different, but from the start I said, I'm independent, I've raised my girl on my own, we lived a very good lifestyle for a good few years, ( and we did, we've traveled the world together and had a very good quality of living, my family had a lot of money and I had a good job, but like life my father made bad investments lost his money and Ireland crashed and I found I had to reskill hence college) but I let him know right off things will be tight for me as I study, but I will receive some money for it weekly to help with my bills my rent etc. And he was like he I admire you, for starting over. So I never ever took money from him, infact us living together one year after meeting was completely initiated by him. He knew my income yet he made it all about money when he left. But I can tell you, I was so kind to him I bought him nice gifts, hell I paid for his flights to Germany a few times. He done the rent, but I did the healthy food buying every week, the petrol, the TV and broadband. So, what I'm saying is men don't like to feel like they are spending more than you on the relationship, so the fact she's actually taking money after a few weeks spells " disaster " to me. And you may find him sitting on your door step, sorry for leaving. Fool.

 

I'm sorry I know I went on a rant, but that money thing with me and him really angers me, he was in no way honest about how it actually was. He made it such a big thing towards the end but when I actually sat down with a pen and paper it was pretty damn even for the most part.and I certainly wasn't high maintenance I dropped all that crap when I was brought back down to earth after our family lost the money. I used to say to him " babe I don't want any of that material crap, if you me and my daughter were happy in a tent, then I'd be a happy woman"

 

Ugh.........

 

Man your experience has brought crap up for me.. Weird... I really think this man will be citing at your door someday very soon.

[lana-banana]

I'd love to know what that means from the male point of view but I'm annoyed by the fact when you ask that here you get shut down with "it's none of your business you are not together anymore" That's not the point if someone asks a question just answer it to the best of your knowledge don't state the obvious.

 

I'm sorry...I babbling...Im reeling and need to get my butt to therapy lol

 

We say these things because you are reeling, desperate and wildly emotional, and we aren't. You are clutching a gallon of triple extra rocky road ice cream and demanding to know why we won't let you eat the whole thing in one sitting. We are calmly telling you to put the ice cream down because we know you'll regret it later. It may feel good for a minute or two but you're inevitably going to wish you hadn't done it.

 

What does it mean from a male point of view? I don't know. No one knows. It could be a rebound or it could not be. He could be wildly in love with her or he could be entertaining a fun fling. My boyfriend left his girlfriend of four years and immediately began dating me; two years later we're buying a house together and he's asking my father for permission to marry me. There is no way to know what their relationship is like and, as we've said before (put down the ice cream!) it really is none of your business.

 

Nobody here is trying to be a jerk, not even me. We don't want you to focus on him because it's detrimental to your healing. Nobody blames you for the amount of anger you have towards him but you need to channel that into something healthy and productive. (She is a different matter; I get that she's never going to be your favorite person, but calling her a wildebeest and talking about how much you want to kick her in the stomach seems really extreme. What happened between you and him is not her fault.) The sooner you realize that obsessing over him gets you nowhere, the better.

 

Of course you should let it all out here. Vent! Be angry! Punch a pillow, scream at something, maybe even break a dish. But don't dwell on it. Once the immediate rage is out of your system, stand up and start moving. Find something useful to do, like tidying around the house or going to the gym. Start flagging thoughts of him as bad habits that should be stopped. You can and should be kind to yourself, and that means not sabotaging your progress with nasty thoughts that drive you backwards.

 

Like you said: butt, therapy, now. And trust us, we'll be here for you to recognize when you're ready to move on to a different, better flavor of ice cream.

[Sunkissedpatio]

We say these things because you are reeling, desperate and wildly emotional, and we aren't. You are clutching a gallon of triple extra rocky road ice cream and demanding to know why we won't let you eat the whole thing in one sitting. We are calmly telling you to put the ice cream down because we know you'll regret it later. It may feel good for a minute or two but you're inevitably going to wish you hadn't done it.

 

First of all what in the world does this analogy even have to do with anything!? No one is clutching a gallon of anything. I saw my ex and his mistress walk by AT MY WORK hours ago, and I was reeling because seeing them brought back a lot negative emotions, rightly so. The only regret I would have in this moment is not getting my questions and thoughts out to explore what others have to say.

 

 

What does it mean from a male point of view? I don't know. No one knows. It could be a rebound or it could not be. He could be wildly in love with her or he could be entertaining a fun fling. My boyfriend left his girlfriend of four years and immediately began dating me; two years later we're buying a house together and he's asking my father for permission to marry me. There is no way to know what their relationship is like and, as we've said before (put down the ice cream!) it really is none of your business.

 

Oh but it is my business at least right now it is and you don't get to decide that for me. The moment the wilderbeast introduced herself into our lives, and he allowed of course, they made it my business.

 

 

 

Nobody here is trying to be a jerk, not even me. We don't want you to focus on him because it's detrimental to your healing. Nobody blames you for the amount of anger you have towards him but you need to channel that into something healthy and productive. (She is a different matter; I get that she's never going to be your favorite person, but calling her a wildebeest and talking about how much you want to kick her in the stomach seems really extreme. What happened between you and him is not her fault.) The sooner you realize that obsessing over him gets you nowhere, the better.

 

I see that you also are the OW or "catalyst" as you put it, in your current situation, since your boyfriend left his girlfriend to be with you so I can see why you would think "she is a different matter" In my situation she is very much the matter just as much as he is. They were having an affair while we were trying to work through our issues, or at least that is what the bastard lead me to believe to the bitter end. So much so, that he when I posted about the letter, he had left it open ended to try and see how things would work out with the wilderbeast and then get back to me further down the line with his decision on what was going to happen to us.

 

now that I know he was having an affair, I can pin point right down to the lies he was telling me about the "secret lunches" he failed to mention that also happened over the past three months before we broke up when on two of the occasions we had a fight. On those two times in the three months he went to her, had secret lunches and I thought he was just omitting his lunches because he was out with co-workers (which I might add he had no friends at work)

 

SO, having said that, I have a lot of anger. I had a very productive session tonight, and unlike your trivial advise, my therapist clearly told me it will take me as long as it takes me to

 

a) ask all the questions I need to ask to come to terms with what has happened

 

b) there is no such thing as just skimming over the anger and the grief, asking questions is natural. In her point of view he is acting extremely erratically, almost and I quote her "like he has lost his mind" given how he lead me on, all the money he is blowing on the tramp, and the fact that I had to see them today considering all the progress that I made in only a few weeks, it is completely understandable and expected that I would be filled with rage and doing exactly what I am doing is what you do to feel through the emotions.

 

c) I wanted to kick him in the balls and I wanted to punch her in the humpty dumpty gut. But I didn't I walked along like I had crossed complete strangers on the sidewalk so no one is "eating a gallon of ice cream" don't worry.

 

 

 

Of course you should let it all out here. Vent! Be angry! Punch a pillow, scream at something, maybe even break a dish. But don't dwell on it. Once the immediate rage is out of your system, stand up and start moving. Find something useful to do, like tidying around the house or going to the gym. Start flagging thoughts of him as bad habits that should be stopped. You can and should be kind to yourself, and that means not sabotaging your progress with nasty thoughts that drive you backwards.

 

 

And that is exactly what I am doing by posting my feelings here and getting them out so which is it? Punch and scream or don't punch and scream?

Posting here, as well as discussing what my therapist's take on the situation is, is extremely useful for me and it is certainly a great way to get my thoughts out of my system. I asked a very specific question and instead you are offering alternative suggestions on how to deal with my anger. If I had asked for that then I can see your point. I did't ask for that did I? Flagging thoughts about him is exactly what I am doing day-to-day, but some days I will have set-backs like today and I will do what I did today, which is post on here my questions and thoughts.

 

Like you said: butt, therapy, now. And trust us, we'll be here for you to recognize when you're ready to move on to a different, better flavor of ice cream.

 

By the time I am ready to move on I will be long gone from here and I will know when I am ready to move on, again, thank you for letting me know that you will be the judge of when I am ready to move on, but I think I will be the best judge of when that is. And I can tell you it is not right now or today for that matter.Especially since I had to see them.

 

Let's hope that when your 4 years are up with your affair lover turned boyfriend and possibly marriage and you start to have problems in the relationship that he doesn't do to you what he did to his last girlfriend and you are not left a month out looking for answers in your moments of grief and that when you turn to others for insight that they brush you off with a "move on it's none of your business anyway" and to go "tidy up your house instead" Wow, just wow.

 

Until you are there, you have no idea what it feels like to be betrayed, to be engaged to someone that you thought you knew, to have your life and dreams planned out with someone that you trusted would never betray you, and yet they do. It's not a good feeling, and it's certainly not something I wish upon anyone, not even you who took the liberty of justifying your relationship with your already committed man to another woman, as something that was inevitable because they were having problems. When couples have problems and they introduce a third person into the equation it complicates things exponentially. But you probably can't relate since you have neatly organized your life with him in such a way that you feel it was your right.

Edited July 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

I can see you need to talk, and I know too well lately how it feels. So no problem, we've been helping each other.

 

 

Thank you Peony I really appreciate how supportive you have been, ya I was in quite a state earlier and really needed to get stuff off my chest. You totally get it. I can tell when you are in need to talk too.

 

 

Funny how you said, you would like to reach out about the male opinion on this, and feel it will not be received in the right way. I too wanted to do that yesterday, and for the same reasons I didn't. And I agree, some people on this seriously need a bit more empathy, a knowledge that to some of us this is all fresh and not something we have dealt with before, so just be kind, be helpful

 

Yes I feel like I see many questions day in day out and some people offer advise that almost sounds like they are bothered to even have to answer, so why respond at all? People clearly come to this site with questions many questions and telling them not to ask or to mind their own business just does nothing for what the person is seeking because they will keep going until they find those answers.

 

I seriously cannot see this relationship going passed the point of the honeymoon phase, and at the rate their dining out and blowing money. This phase will be over soon. What happened to dating, taking things slow. Seems like they jumped right on in, and this will crash and burn, in my opinion

 

I'll tell you what my therapist said, the first thing she asked me when I told her about all the crazy spending was "is she younger?" and I said yes I think she is like 15 years younger than him and 10 years younger than me (but in person she looks older than me actually hahaha I'm not just saying that she has terrible skin and is terribly out of shape for a young woman I have a better body at my age)

 

Then she said it sounds like he is trying to go out of his way to impress her and then she asked me about the red flags that I had seen in him early on in the relationship we had discussed those weeks prior. She had asked me what I thought now looking back would have been red flags and there were many like his pacing at the beginning, how quickly he wanted to move things and I was really uncomfortable with that and would make him frustrated and even mad that I had to slow things down, he told me I was "the one" like two months in that that really freaked me out. But I ended up pacing things to my comfort level but he kept trying at 6 months he was talking marriage and really wanted to move in together and I was SO NOT ready to move in. Even when he told me he loved me the first time it felt way too soon I couldn't even say it back yet. That cause some friction. And then of course there was his anger problems the slamming of doors when things didn't go his way, the walking off in a huff to his place if we were having an uncomfortable discussion all these immature communication styles that were really off-putting to me but I was falling for him and wanted to work through it.

 

So she said to me that seeing as I was able to see that many red flags so early on that for sure he was either supressing or already demonstrating much of the same quite possibly in this relationship which mean that the over spending could be a way to distract her from his "red flags" which I thought was interesting insight. I challenged her and told her that maybe it was me who brought out all that negativity in him and our dynamic and she said perhaps, but that his character is and always be there. It may not come out today but it will come out because the problems will happen.

 

she also said his behaviour sounds truly erratic "like he lost his mind" and she can't make sense why he was insisting I move in with him at his new place if this other woman was in the picture. She feels that there are a lot of inconsistencies with someone that is done and ready to move on as he is portraying outwardly. She is certain the same patterns will play out in his next relationships especially since he is incapable of working on his issues and especially since this relationship for them started off as it did, with his insecurity issues and mistrust she can't see how things won't play out again for him. Maybe not today but they certainly will, is her take on it.

 

She believes we attract the same version of people over and over again and unless you are aware enough to work on the things that are your downfall in a relationship you will subconsciously recreated the same issues again and again "repetition compulsion" and he is carrying SO much baggage, correction; a crate of issues.... starting from his previous marriage and his ex who cheated on him and alienated him from his kids etc.

 

Anyway it was a great session she made me see some very insightful things about myself I never considered prior and feel 100% better than I did earlier tonight.

 

My ex treated me when he could, and I him. Intact I got more enjoyment from buying him a nice gift. Although our incomes were different, but from the start I said, I'm independent, I've raised my girl on my own, we lived a very good lifestyle for a good few years, ( and we did, we've traveled the world together and had a very good quality of living, my family had a lot of money and I had a good job, but like life my father made bad investments lost his money and Ireland crashed and I found I had to reskill hence college) but I let him know right off things will be tight for me as I study, but I will receive some money for it weekly to help with my bills my rent etc. And he was like he I admire you, for starting over. So I never ever took money from him, infact us living together one year after meeting was completely initiated by him. He knew my income yet he made it all about money when he left. But I can tell you, I was so kind to him I bought him nice gifts, hell I paid for his flights to Germany a few times. He done the rent, but I did the healthy food buying every week, the petrol, the TV and broadband. So, what I'm saying is men don't like to feel like they are spending more than you on the relationship, so the fact she's actually taking money after a few weeks spells " disaster " to me. And you may find him sitting on your door step, sorry for leaving. Fool.

 

Pfft so did mine, he was throwing things in my face money-wise that I had to stop him and look at him deadpan and say to him "what kind of a man are you that you are stooping so low as to use money against me now? Is this really what our relationship has come to? When I practically supported you for half of the year you were without work and you are being petty about bills?" Get the f out of my face with that he had no shame! and now he is blowing thousands of dollars in one month - psycho! ARggg it's making me mad just thinking about that too.

 

I hear you on being independent so am I, very much so. But I am also not one to take advantage of people either so even if a man can afford to pay for everything and wants to spoil me (which I've had often in relationships) I feel like I want to contribute as well, we both work I make a good living so why not? Men like to be treated as well. I think it is important even. he will never ever come back, and I have fantasies sometimes of that just for the satisfaction of laughing in his face because that ship has SO SAILED. He is too proud for that, and I am fine with it. I would be satisfied to know (not sure how that would ever happen) that he suffers somewhere down the line the same way he made me suffer. That would make me very happy, today. Hahah maybe when the anger subsides I will change my tune, and wish him happiness I did love the man after all. Just not today the dagger in the back is still jabbing.

 

I'm sorry I know I went on a rant, but that money thing with me and him really angers me, he was in no way honest about how it actually was. He made it such a big thing towards the end but when I actually sat down with a pen and paper it was pretty damn even for the most part.and I certainly wasn't high maintenance I dropped all that crap when I was brought back down to earth after our family lost the money. I used to say to him " babe I don't want any of that material crap, if you me and my daughter were happy in a tent, then I'd be a happy woman"

 

Ugh.........

 

I am so SO glad we can share out stories and bounce ideas here. Thank goodness for that. So the universe works in messed up ways sometimes (case in point this afternoon's encounter) and then in some awesome ways, meeting you and the Trinity and all the others who have give some really sound words of encouragement and share their stories.

 

Man your experience has brought crap up for me.. Weird... I really think this man will be citing at your door someday very soon.

 

I'm sorry...

Edited July 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[lana-banana]

I was trying to make the point that going down rabbit holes about what he did and when is self-destructive, like eating a gallon of ice cream. Wondering about what he's up to and if he's happy now are hugely open-ended questions that you'll never find a satisfactory answer to, and they ultimately hurt to think about. I'm sorry it wasn't more clear.

 

I am tremendously sorry for what you're going through. Like I said, no one blames you for being livid and reeling. Lord knows I would be too. Of course you can be furious and of course you should vent; I was just trying to explain why people on these boards recommend not focusing on the other people. Nobody said it was easy and nobody is rushing you to move on. Keep working through those feelings for as long as it takes and try to find the lime between healthy exploration and ruminating. I am glad you found a therapist who is helping you.

 

For what it's worth, I wasn't an OW, didn't have an affair and and don't feel the need to justify my relationship to anyone. I was trying to use it as an example of an answer that you wouldn't necessarily like, because that's what happens when you start thinking about those questions. What if he was madly in love and married her? Or what if they're just together because they share an obscure sexual fetish? No one knows, no one can answer that to your satisfaction, not even him, and at the end of the day dwelling on the possibilities can do a lot more harm than good.

 

I am sorry for your pain and if I inadvertently contributed to it in any way. I realize my post was not as tactful as intended and I fully apologize for that. It was not my intent to seem condescending, just to explain why people here advocate for certain courses of action. I apologize again and hope you find peace in all this.

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed.. Wow good response to that pointless message posted on here yesterday! Seriously there is a lot of negativity on this site too, there's this one guy who clearly is having some sort of breakdown, he seems to be distraught to the point, of obsessive and dilusional thoughts of his ex. People were kind at first, but man the stuff that's been said to him now is actually cruel!

 

Sounds like you got yourself a good therapist, very insightful stuff altogether. Perfect timing that you had a meeting with her yesterday. How are you today? And hey be as damn angry as you want, its healthy to let your feelings out, holding them in only causes internal turmoil and of course unresolved crap! I'm like you I will feel for asking as I need to and nobody will be telling me when I need to move on, or drop the anger. Until they've gone through exactly what I have, I won't be taking the move on blah blah speeches!

 

I brought my beautiful girl to the airport this morning, and I have to say I cried for 2 hours after I got into the car. I will miss her terribly, its only a week, but our longest time apart, ever! I will be a happy mummy when she gets home. Its good timing as in she gets some fun and change of scenery, crap timing for me because I need her around me. But she will have a great time, that makes me happy.

 

guess I feel like I'm doing a lot of hard things lately, I don't know it just felt like *** I can't do anymore of this emotional stuff. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of the aching in my heart and the outbursts of complete frustration mixed with anger. I couldn't believe how quiet the house was, I have to say I feel lost. I never imagined a few weeks ago, he'd be gone and in Germany and my daughter would be in Spain, and I'd be here on my own missing both terribly. How quick life can change, I'm finding that part very hard to cope with. I feel broken today. Like I just can't take anymore upset I'm at my limit. Like **** give me a damn break.I'm so lonely today. I swear I even thought of ringing him, so I could talk. I didn't.

 

Today is probably just a bad day, missing everyone. Hopefully tonight or tomorrow I might feel OK again. Sorry I'm not much good at advise today.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Peony so today was the day your daughter was leaving. I can imagine just how hard that must have been. You did the right thing in letting her go on vacation, kids also suffer through parent's emotional ups and downs it will be good for her to get away and do some fun stuff with her friend abroad. Wish you could go away too, that would have been really fun if you could with them too. I bet you feel like you really need it.

 

I could use a vacation too I was doing the math and it will go on two years this year that I have not gone away and I usually like to get a way a couple times a year specially since our winters are so harsh.

 

I think I mentioned this before on here but hey we should sell our rings and meet on some caribbean beach or better yet for me, so European beach (closer to you too though now with Brexit not sure how travelling will look for you might be cheaper to come our way to the caribbean)

 

I'm sort of in the same boat, today is a holiday and a long weekend, long weekends since the split scare the living daylights out of me because: "what will I do with all this time?" but I am getting much better at them and in fact now I look forward to the weekends and having time.

 

As per how I am doing I woke up dreaming about him again (oh joy!) but I feel calm and in a much better head space thank you for asking. I feel very fortunate to have found a great therapist, she has been around for a while and has pretty much seen it all and considering I took a chance on her and found her on a psychology network site online she is really panning out. I feel so much better every time we meet sometimes she points out such obvious things that for life of me I haven't already made the connection. I love that about her. I learned a LOT about myself in yesterday's session.

 

RE. my ex dumb dumb it feels to me like he is going through some kind of midlife crisis, when I think of all the hell he put me through from the weeks leading up to him moving out, all the lies and keeping me in limbo until one day I came home from work and he had packed all this things and I came home to a hallway filled with boxes of his stuff, to the actual split and how we were trying to work through things, his crazy plans for our new future together, pushing and getting angry at me when I wasn't ready to sell my things and rent out my home and just go live with him in his new place without us doing something to fix our problems first, all the lies after, the dragging things out after he dumped on May 25 and all the blaming me for all of our demise, the conviction and callousness with which he faced me the last time I saw him and he came to get his things claiming all these things that "I did" to destroy the relationship, (when he first walked in the door first thing he said was "it was you all you who destroyed us, I am so clear of that now) well that weekend prior I later came to confirm, was the first weekend he and the bimbo where out painting the town in the open for the first time.

 

He even sat in my living room that very same day encouraging me to go out and find some other man to find younger men and compare to other men and to "get it out of my system" whatever that was supposed to mean...!?!? I was so shocked when he said that to me and told him point blank I have absolutely no desire to see anyone anytime soon are you kidding me? My head and my heart are not remotely close to being there, is that what he thought of me?!? And then I asked him is that what you want? And in his very gasslighting pathological liar fashion that I am now seeing I was privied to more often than now he brushed me off with "are you fckng kidding me?"

 

Ya his non-answers to what I was already feeling in my gut is what prompted me to hire a PI a week after and that is when all the truth came out.

 

I think back to so many times he made me feel "crazy and insane" because I was suspecting things that were actually going on. And I am left with having to sift through 4 years of a mountain of lies to make sense of what was true and what was sheer lies. Anyway a lot of them I have discussed in therapy because I started seeing her the weeks before he moved out. So that was a good move on my part otherwise I'd be way way worse off today.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hey Banan-lana I appreciate your last response and apology, that was very cool of you so thank you. It's all good. Sometimes we say things that are well meaning and they don't come across that way, and yes some parts of your post felt a bit condescending and I too am sorry if I went off on you. I really wasn't in a good head space yesterday.

 

And I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions about your situation I had read in your previous posts that you made reference to the fact that you were the catalyst in your boyfriend's past break-up and it felt like you were not coming from a good place but rather a place where you identified with the other parties involved and I shouldn't have made assumptions.

 

Not really looking to figure out if he is happy, I already assume he is, I was just looking to get some feedback on what the excessive spending over a month in a brand new relationship is about. I'm curious about it because I thought I knew this man, I thought I knew his patterns, and the fact he was so petty about finances with me to the bitter end and when he decided to be out and then is blowing his entire savings on a woman he just started seeing...well, ya, it leaves me with more questions of who was this man anyway? And you or others may say "what's the point of speculating" but isn't that the nature of what drives this board anyway? We are all here to speculate on other's situations because none of us truly knows what our partners or anyone that we ask about is meaning and intending. We are all here sharing life stories and experiences in the spirit of speculating to offer insight into other's situations.

 

I couldn't have guessed things would feel as they to me today had I not gone through it and it is really hard to explain unless you have lived it, there are too many questions that deceived are left with that they are not going to ever find answers to because the perpetrator of the lies will never come clean and for the mere fact that they chose something so cowardly as to use another person to get out of a relationship makes it that much harder for the person left behind.

 

I'll leave you with an interesting passage from an article I read when I had started to suspect the affair, which explains what we go through when we are hit with the reality that our trusted partners were not what we thought they were, and how deeply devastating it is to on top of dealing with the split from a failed relationship the questions of the betrayal itself.

 

When just a few weeks into our split we had attended his sister in law's funeral who died of cancer and we took care of her in her last months of decline. At the funeral I saw all his family and we had gone out to dinner with his mother and who was in town and she express her sorrow about our split and took me aside and told me that she loved me so much and really hoped that we could work things out. She told both us on our way home that night that we should really try to fix our issues because even if we did split for good and went on to other relationships we would have the same issues with someone new and that marriage and long-term partnership will present a lot of problems over the years that we need to learn to work through.

 

But there was no chance of that because he was already moving on but not telling me or anyone else about it and that is a hard pill to swallow.

 

 

Bottom line: if you’re expecting your husband to be honest with you about his cheating — you’d better buy a lottery ticket. Too many wives have felt like they’re being tortured when they sense something is up and are repeatedly convinced verbally from their husbands that they are way off. Being told to your face that your perceptions are completely wrong and rebelieving and trusting your husband’s words when your heart and gut are telling you another story is absolutely tragic. There is no word to describe the experience of being lied to by the one person you chose to commit to for the rest of your life. And your husband has turned out to be a convincing liar, which just makes you think about how much you really don’t know this man with whom you’ve shared everything, the most intimate parts of who you are, parts of yourself no one else may ever know.

 

you can read the full article here

Edited July 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed, great idea about a beach holiday, oh wow how amazing that would be ( its rained for a solid week now ) however selling my ring wouldn't bring me money for a holiday, I'd say 500 euro tops! Again this was something he rushed into, a snap decision, he was good at those quick fix gestures! After we spent majority of savings on Christmas and medical bills for him, there wasn't savings left. Certainly not to buy an expensive ring! But again nothing would do him but to get engaged, like everything with him quick and romantic.

 

My daughter called, she was laying by the pool eating ice cream, all happy and excited for her adventure. Made me smile . Miss her like crazy. Scared of how I'll fill the week.

 

Damn I wish I could say to you grab your coat, let's go do something fun. God knows we deserve a break and some fun.

 

Seriously I still can't believe how alike our exes sound, the stuff you just said, I can relate to.

 

Scenario so we are arguing, nothing major, actually he told me I could sleep on the couch, he didn't want to be bedside me, so I respond " oh my god, you are joking right? Like how can you be like that to me, what's happened to you" he says OK I'll go on the couch, but go to bed now because I'm going to sleep ( its 8pm) so I'm like no I'm not your kid you can't send me to bed, so he starts getting nasty threatening me about money etc, I stand in disbelief, start crying and saying I don't even know you anymore, or you planning on leaving me? He says yes im leaving sunday, im like no you must be crazy, what the f**k is going on with you! He says its me all me, and he has a room rented in a house share. Im in shock, and say if your leaving me in 5 days anyway, just go now. Fast forward 10 minutes later suitcase is packed he's walking out the front door, and bang he's gone! It happened that quick, I kept thinking he will be back any minute but no and here we are now 5 weeks on.

 

A week later wants to talk meets with my mother and me his request that my mother was there. Spoke for 3 hours about how we could fix stuff, he had numbers for couples counselling, a list of my shortcomings and his, mind you mine was long compared to his. He begs to come back to our home, I feel scared and say no let's take a day or two let it all sink in. Let's start from a fresh page. But no again nothing would do him but to come back that night, we make passionate love ( best we had in weeks) he profeses his love and blah blah. Next day we chat at lunch break, and that night he doesn't come home and never spoke since!

[peonyrose]

Also my therapist also suggested some form of mid life crisis, and some self protection mode setting in. I think his 50th, in a few weeks was playing on his mind. This man became a stranger practically the weeks before he left, I'd see glimpses ofvhim, but he had changed. Maybe he was pulling away from me, getting himself prepared for his exit. This hurts the most, I hope it wasn't true, because I am a fool if it was. I was planning our wedding, and the thought that he was planning on leaving me for weeks, whilst I was happily showing him venues in Portugal, makes me feel sick. I seem to question everything about him now anyway. He left me that wonderful gift when he left me in such a cold, malicious way

[Sunkissedpatio]

Wouldn't that just be splendid to say let's get together and go out and do something fun! It's raining here as well, off and on, but supposed to be nice on weekend.

 

You spoke to your daughter already how sweet she is enjoying ice cream poolside! I bet you miss her like crazy it must feel really quite at home. what part of Spain is vacationing? I've been to Spain many times and love vacationing there.

 

Oh your ring wouldn't get you very far indeed, but then again that was never the intent when you got it anyway and at the end of the day it is not value of the ring but what it represents in sentimental value, which in my case not much I guess. I struggle with what to do with mine. Mine can afford me a few vacations actually but what point was there to get such an expensive ring when it was meaningless and filled with lies. He loves to spend, I'll give him that, and when we were looking at rings together I told him please don't go extravagant because it is not the size of the ring that matters to me it is our commitment to our future that does. he didn't go extravagant but he spent a lot claiming "I want you to be happy with it" which I was but I would have been happy with one of any lesser value too yet those are the kinds of things we would bicker over, he thought more money meant more love where I thought loving gestures that had no monetary value meant more love.

 

Wow I guess I just answered my own question from yesterday about the "overspending" I guess he must really want to show her he "loves" her.

 

Well if it is anything like the love he claimed to have for me right til the end I guess that also answers my question....

 

 

Your ex sounds like he was impulsive and reactive, just like mine. Like they make decisions in a huff and act on them only to regret them once they cool off. This happened frequently with him, he would say or do truly stupid things and then came the regret.

 

That argument scenario you described is very much like one of our last fights. Him threatening he is moving out or saying such horrible things to me that leads me to the obvious question: "why in the world would you still want to be with me if all that you are saying is how you truly feel?" to him then saying ok I'm moving out and telling me he was doing so because "I pushed him or wanted him to go not because he wanted to" I'd talk to him calmly the next day once he'd have a chance to cool off and ask him was that said in anger or was it real he would waffle until it the day I came home to the packed boxes.

 

It's so crazy-making now that I am writing this out. I can't believe how much he was gasslighting me. Then again, I was too it became quite a "competition" in the end to see who could prove first the other wanted out.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Also my therapist also suggested some form of mid life crisis, and some self protection mode setting in. I think his 50th, in a few weeks was playing on his mind. This man became a stranger practically the weeks before he left, I'd see glimpses ofvhim, but he had changed. Maybe he was pulling away from me, getting himself prepared for his exit. This hurts the most, I hope it wasn't true, because I am a fool if it was. I was planning our wedding, and the thought that he was planning on leaving me for weeks, whilst I was happily showing him venues in Portugal, makes me feel sick. I seem to question everything about him now anyway. He left me that wonderful gift when he left me in such a cold, malicious way

 

Interesting that your therapist said that. Mine is turning 50 this year as well. The perplexing part for me is there really weren't signs leading up and even less after he moved out, he was still very loving, very demonstrative physically and verbally, our sex life was still very passionate and frequent, he was still doing all things that show in every way he was in it 'til the end. It makes no sense, when he could have just gone cold once he moved out and yet he didn't. The only sign now looking back was some of the big lulls in communication during the day and the secret lunches he was lying about. but of course I just believed he was busy at work even though I could see in the bank statements he was lying about where he was at work I still didn't make anything of it I trusted he was lying to me for silly reasons, not another woman/love interest.

 

I think in both our cases they were thinking of moving on well before it happened, they used and even caused a fight as the excuse to pull the trigger but the intent was already made up in their minds unfortunately. that is pretty cowardly in itself why create a fight to further blame you for all wrong doings to do what they ultimately wanted to do?

[peonyrose]

No it certainly wasn't the intent of the ring, and to be honest I felt bad I even said its monetary value.that's not fair! I love antique jewelry and my grandmother's engagement ring is one of my favourite rings, and he went in search of something similar, he knew it would be special to me. You see, I can't even really see the good in anything he done, its like he took it all away with his actions. But there was good and I can tell you I was the happiest woman in the world the day he put that ring on my finger! Potty I question it all now!

 

You should definitely go on a holiday, god you deserve it. I would grab it if I could.

 

I did the lotto haha

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's ok no need to clarify about the ring, I brought up the idea to sell and go away which forced you to disclose the value. I didn't see it as you being ungrateful at all. and it's understandable what you say about washing any good behind with actions, that is what I felt many times and why on some occasions I threw the ring back at him wondering what does this even represent to you when you can speak to me like you are right now?

 

Someone in another thread on the infidelity forum recommended this site to me and I must say I finally had a chance to read through it here and there and I want to share because although it is exclusively for people who have been cheated on and it strongly advocates for "non-reconciliation" after D-day, it has a lot of very interesting insight that applies to relationship dynamics, much of the stuff you and I have shared here about our ex's.

 

I love the tone and style of her writing and it at times it will make you laugh out loud she is very witty and intelligent and super funny. You and others reading might find it interesting...Even if you weren't cheated on if you have suffered lies in your relationship there is plenty to connect to on there.

 

these reminded me of what we discussed:

 

[link to commercial content redacted - please visit ChumpLady for more info]

 

Mine used the exact words on me as her ex-husband did, so many times I've lost count: "If you think I’m that sort of person, you shouldn’t be with me!"

 

You might want to peruse the archives and see if anything jumps out. A lot of the comments to the articles share snippits that will definitely resonate. In my case it's like the site was made about my ex, then again I think most feel that way.

Edited July 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove commercial link

[peonyrose]

Sunkissed the link was removed by LS, apparently you cannot share links on this or inapropriate links!!!!

 

I'm curious to read what is you were telling me about, but that message popped up at the end of your post to me. Weird!? Eh?

 

I watched a movie tonight, something I haven't done in a while, it was a love story with infidelity and broken trust and other stuff, not deliberate but funny how I still ended up watching it. Had a good old cry and the movie cheered me up too.

 

Tomorrow I am going to watch Eat Pray Love, Julia Roberts movie. Seen it twice but for some reason 2 people said to me post breakup I should watch it again. So there must be some message in it, maybe I will take something different from the movie this time..

 

How is your night?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi Peony - yes I got a notification that I posted links to a commercial site and I guess that breaks guideline rules I had no clue. I've made two infractions in two days eek! not my intent to rock the boat here...Sorry to the Loveshack mods if you are reading. It is a blog I didn't think it was considered a commercial site.

 

Ok so the site is Chumplady (I hope it's ok to write the name of the blog here) and then if you go to the archives you will see a list of article names the two articles "how do I say goodbye" and the second was "If you think Im THAT sort of person" you can do a control F or command F (if you are a Mac like me) and find the articles instantly. There are a lot of great articles on there have a look. hopefully you will see this or anyone else looking for uplifting ways to say "sayonara" to crappy people in our lives.

 

 

I'm going to watch some movies tonight too. I am so glad you did as well. I meant to respond to the other part of the earlier post I missed that you felt really alone today and sad. I'm sorry you were feeling that way that is the hardest part of being alone again that change is big. But it does get better, it sounds trite to even say that but as the weeks go on being on your own becomes the new reality and you find ways to fill that void. I am certainly at that point and feeling quite good on my own. Enjoying not having to think about meeting his needs in any shape way or form, what do I need is my only concern.

 

I read something by a poster named Bummer today he said that breaking NC for him was actually good because he found out his ex was dating someone (I think...?) and that in a way he was thankful because it catapulted his recovery time where he would otherwise be pining away in hope. I could't agree more. I can tell you it will get better but that is certainly not how it feels to you right now because somewhere deep within you there is still that hope and that is what keeps the heart open to the pain too.

 

 

And you had said the house felt really empty was going to suggest playing music or even the radio. I hadn't listened to the radio at home in years and it was a nice distraction from the racing thoughts and the emptiness you feel it big time when there aren't conversations happening at home anymore or the sounds of others in the house.

I'm glad the movie made you feel better.

 

I haven't seen Eat Pray Love in years, that sounds like a good idea. I could use a Javier Bardem type in some remote beach town seducing me to go stay with him for the weekend in his rustic beach house hahahah

Edited July 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[peonyrose]

Hahahaha I laughed at your Loveshack comments, oh we are such awful people for posting links. I also got a message from Loveshack for posting a YouTube suggestion, to someone. loveshack we are not worthy, me and sunkissed should be banned immediately for being such bad people..hahahaha

 

I will look up that website and the posts you suggested tomorrow.

 

My radio is always on, I love my music. But yes you are right, I turned it on upstairs and downstairs tonight, so that there was noise wherever I went. Great minds think alike we certainly seem to.

 

Watch eat pray love tomorrow too or tonight, we can see if we both took anything different from it this time. Weird how 2 people suggested it to me after HIM so there must be a lesson in it.

 

Oh I didn't win the lotto, I checked. But I do know soon money Will come my way, I trust in the universe. And we could meet on a beach and say f**k you guys, we are better than this and cheers with our fancy cocktails