Waiting in response for second chance email but found out something devestating

[peonyrose]

Oh and thanks for the bummer comment thing, you are kind to say what you did. But I can assure you, I am in no way hoping for a reconciliation, or have any great hope of anything but an apology, one I will probably never hear. But one I'd like to know goes into the universe nsomeday and maybe I will feel it. I've been doing love and kindness and letting him go tonight. He too has he struggles, and as much as I am so god damn angry, I can't wish him any pain only happiness. But I guess that makes me the bigger the person.

 

Funny my ex before him was a cause of so much upset to me, we spent 8'years on and off, crazy passionate love we were in our 20s I already had my beautiful daughter, he was beautiful so driven, so ambitious I too was beautiful but I was more grown up, we fought for those years to stay together, we travelled the world, at every chance, we fought at every chance, and funny he's been consoling me over my ex. A guy I never thought I could live without, is now telling me he nearly died when he found out about me and my ex at the start, and me and him were 2 years apart at that stage.of course he never told me this stuff at the time he just sent loads of angry stuff, who knows if he had been honest. And by the way he's in my life still because him and my daughter are super close and even though he lives 2 hours away now they still meet, and I have to say he's been a good man to her. So just goes to show, you never know in life. And actually if you let someone go and they are meant to be in your life, they will always come back in some way or another.

 

Sweet lesson right

[Sunkissedpatio]

Bahahahah "we're not worthy, we're not worthy..." that was funny picturing Garth on Wayne's World. But don't joke, I would hate to get banned and we have no way to communicate.

 

Ok will try to find the movie online. He used to download torrents, I am too chicken to. I'll look for it for sure.

 

Oooh I so wish you win, keep playing and we can take that vacation! Fancy cocktails and hot sun on our skin...oooh i so want to go away now!!

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Funny my ex before him was a cause of so much upset to me, we spent 8'years on and off, crazy passionate love we were in our 20s I already had my beautiful daughter, he was beautiful so driven, so ambitious I too was beautiful but I was more grown up, we fought for those years to stay together, we travelled the world, at every chance, we fought at every chance, and funny he's been consoling me over my ex. A guy I never thought I could live without, is now telling me he nearly died when he found out about me and my ex at the start, and me and him were 2 years apart at that stage.of course he never told me this stuff at the time he just sent loads of angry stuff, who knows if he had been honest. And by the way he's in my life still because him and my daughter are super close and even though he lives 2 hours away now they still meet, and I have to say he's been a good man to her. So just goes to show, you never know in life. And actually if you let someone go and they are meant to be in your life, they will always come back in some way or another.

 

Sweet lesson right

 

 

Wow!!! Well look at you young lady already lining up your ducks. That just made me smile from ear to ear. Wouldn't that be something, if you got back with him...Why did you break up in the first place? He sounds like he might have been the one that got away?

Is he single right now and do you feel he's changed at all since you were last with him? i mean he must have right? It's been years.

[peonyrose]

Hahaha you are a howl, you make me laugh I too though would be devastated haha if I got banned fro this site. Imagine it? I'm laughing as I write this but seriously, actually we should try do code words or something of our email addreses.. Haha but seriously, just in case!

 

Ah no my friend, that boat has long shipped, I can't see any of that for us now . I just wanted to use it as an example of how, crazy life can be, you actually never know. He once upon a time was the love of my life, in fact always will be the special one but my love moved on, I found a mature love, and my ex has done me so damn wrong, but I will say he showed me to love in a grown up way, as f****d as it sounds. But he's nearly 50 so you kind of wouldn't expect anything else, some bit of maturity is a given. And he did teach me stuff.

 

I'd love a dream ending, hell my daughter would love me and my ex ex to be together, but were different people, hes career focused and gun focused I've become laid back, that stuff isn't as important as it was.

 

And hey use "putlocker" for safe downloads and of course Netflix as we all use

[peonyrose]

PS I will keep playing lotto, but I know I've sent good vibes into the universe. So we will be sitting on that beach, soon. With hot waiters

[Trinity7]

Oh wow, I took a break from this site for a few days (trying not to think about my ex as much and I worried being on here all the time was holding me back), and when I popped on this morning to check how you ladies are doing I see there have been some major happenings!

 

Sunkissed-- I'm so sorry you ran into them!! WTF was he thinking bringing her anywhere near your work when there was a chance of seeing you?! So rude and insensitive. I tend to agree with your therapist that he may have gone temporarily insane! Maybe that's how the notorious midlife crisis thing is coming out in him.. I really don't know.. Going through all this, I'm realizing that we never really know anyone, or maybe more accurately, people can change at a moment's notice. I think we can only see the world through the filter of our own beliefs and experiences, so when someone acts a certain way, we automatically assume they're doing it for the same reason we would've done it. I'm learning quickly that that isn't the case

 

As I think over everything that happened in my relationship and breakup, I have moments of compassion towards him and feel like I might understand where he was coming from.. But then I'll realize something else and it knocks my compassionate theories out of the water again. I keep thinking, Well if I had said/done that, this is what it would've meant, so that must be where he was coming from. But in reality, I'm starting to think mine was just a surface guy-- not really capable of soul searching or forming strong connections. Maybe just not deep enough for me. So his actions were probably pretty surface as well-- no use reading into them. I'll probably never know, and I'm not sure he even does.

 

I think he's just impulsive and if something doesn't feel good, he shuts it off and goes towards something that DOES feel good. And that type of guy would never be fulfilling enough for me. I like to constantly be learning, growing, going deeper, getting to know myself better and also working to better myself. And ultimately I would want and need my partner to have the same drive and curiosity about himself. I noticed that I was getting pulled off my path while dating this guy, which was why I asked him for a weekend off from each other. I just wanted to regroup and figure out a healthier balance so I could keep myself happy and healthy while still keeping the relationship happy and healthy. It was the beginning of the end to ask for some space apparently.

 

As for the uncharacteristic overspending on the new girl.. Hm.. My first thought was "infatuation." Like yours, my ex moved REALLY fast. I am very slow moving-- cautious and guarded. But he was so persistent and seemed so genuine that I let myself believe all his crap about it being "meant to be" and that we were soulmates and all that. Got caught up in the magic and romance of it all I guess, which clouded my intuition. It was trying to tell me everything was too good to be true, and that true love probably isn't gonna sprout after a few weeks, that's likely just infatuation.

 

SO, my point is I'm sure your ex is moving just as fast in his head with her as he did with you (I'm sorry to say that ) and if she's halfway healthy emotionally, that is gonna make her get suspicious. Guys like our exes NEED us to overcome our misgivings and to be on board with the magical meant-to-be fantasy they're creating. I don't think they do it with ill intent, I think they really believe they're in love at that stage. And so maybe whatever tactic your ex used with you to make you drop your defenses didn't work on the new girl, so he tried to find the chink in her armor in other ways, and it turned out to be having money spent on her. My ex got over my walls by spouting spiritual stuff to me about how we were drawn together by the Universe, blah blah blah.. That was the chink in my armor because I do believe in fate and all that, which he knew. So yah, they test different tactics til one works.

 

It's probably all unconscious for them really. All I know is that the hottest fires burn out most quickly, so I doubt they'll last. I feel like anyone who is capable of falling so fast is equally capable of a) falling for someone else just as fast and b) turning OFF their feelings just as fast. I know in the future I'm going to avoid any fast-moving fellas, that's for sure!

 

Peony-- I hope you're holding up ok with your daughter being gone.. I'm sure you're feeling lonely I'm really proud of you for not meeting up with your ex though! I do think it would've hurt you in some way. Though I know not meeting up with him also hurts in a different way. One moment at a time, we will get through all this!! I'm totally onboard with winning the lotto and vacationing with you both

 

And finally, mini update from me: I did send a closure email to my ex Wednesday night and it has helped me a lot in having an end point in my head to move on from. I kept it very civil and polite. Just said what I felt I needed to say to move on. No reply of course, don't even know if he's read it, but it doesn't matter. One very strange thing that has been bugging me though-- I snooped one last time on his Facebook that night (hadn't looked at it in 2 weeks) and he has been posting very sad, mopey breakup/relationship quotes and memes that I feel are directed towards me. AND my birthday was last weekend and he posted a birthday card on his page that day that was a joke about having killed a tree for the card-- he always ribbed me about being a "tree-hugger." Had to be directed towards me.. And yet he has never attempted to contact me in any way since the breakup. WTF? I just don't understand him Never will.

 

I'm trying to not let it all set me back. The reality is if we really had been meant to be as I allowed myself to believe, we'd be together right now. Trying to keep my faith in the Universe strong.. But man, it's tough some days

 

Hope you both have a great weekend! I'm working a lot, but should have time to swing by a friend's cookout this evening.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hiiiii Trinity!!! We've missed you. And you missed our trip planning to the Caribbean when Peony wins the lottery! We are all meeting on some beach to wreak havoc so you'd better start planning too hahaha

 

 

Oh wow, I took a break from this site for a few days (trying not to think about my ex as much and I worried being on here all the time was holding me back), and when I popped on this morning to check how you ladies are doing I see there have been some major happenings!

 

how are you doing now?

 

Sunkissed-- I'm so sorry you ran into them!! WTF was he thinking bringing her anywhere near your work when there was a chance of seeing you?! So rude and insensitive. I tend to agree with your therapist that he may have gone temporarily insane! Maybe that's how the notorious midlife crisis thing is coming out in him.. I really don't know.. Going through all this, I'm realizing that we never really know anyone, or maybe more accurately, people can change at a moment's notice. I think we can only see the world through the filter of our own beliefs and experiences, so when someone acts a certain way, we automatically assume they're doing it for the same reason we would've done it. I'm learning quickly that that isn't the case

 

As I think over everything that happened in my relationship and breakup, I have moments of compassion towards him and feel like I might understand where he was coming from.. But then I'll realize something else and it knocks my compassionate theories out of the water again. I keep thinking, Well if I had said/done that, this is what it would've meant, so that must be where he was coming from. But in reality, I'm starting to think mine was just a surface guy-- not really capable of soul searching or forming strong connections. Maybe just not deep enough for me. So his actions were probably pretty surface as well-- no use reading into them. I'll probably never know, and I'm not sure he even does.

 

I think he's just impulsive and if something doesn't feel good, he shuts it off and goes towards something that DOES feel good. And that type of guy would never be fulfilling enough for me. I like to constantly be learning, growing, going deeper, getting to know myself better and also working to better myself. And ultimately I would want and need my partner to have the same drive and curiosity about himself. I noticed that I was getting pulled off my path while dating this guy, which was why I asked him for a weekend off from each other. I just wanted to regroup and figure out a healthier balance so I could keep myself happy and healthy while still keeping the relationship happy and healthy. It was the beginning of the end to ask for some space apparently.

 

You know Trinity you can do your head in replaying how you could have done things differently. Here's something to consider though, why couldn't your ex respect your boundary to balance your time together? You weren't suggesting "let's end it" you weren't suggesting "I don't want a serious relationship" anyone in their right mind would want to take things slow in the beginning and for as long as they need to adjust. If he had the right intentions for your two, you had your entire lives ahead of you to spend every waking moment together so what's a little pacing at the beginning in the grand scheme of things?

 

that is exactly what happened in my situation. I would slow things down, he would get angry and felt "rejected" when all I was trying to do was ensure that we kept our life balance and individual identity intact while we merged our lives together. That didn't suit him and I see why now, because outside of a relationship he has nothing other than work so he wanted to suck me in as quickly as possible so that he could become my full focus. And that is exactly what happened over time.

 

Now, and like my therapist said while we discussed the early red fags - "hindsight is 20/20 as the cliche goes, there were things about him that didn't sit right with you very early on and your gut was telling you to slow down because it felt wrong, and it was wrong because meeting each other's needs is about meeting half way not about giving in to pressure" That is exactly what I did, he played with my head convincing me I had "commitment issues and ultimately wanted to be alone, not in a relationship" because I wanted to slow things down. And that wasn't the case AT ALL. But his general mindfckery started very early on.

 

Anyway, Trinity if you try to blame how your situation went down because you asked for a weekend off to get some much-needed balance in your relationship, and he acted as he did going back to his ex on FB etc. then I can assure you his intent with you was not a healthy one.

 

 

As for the uncharacteristic overspending on the new girl.. Hm.. My first thought was "infatuation." Like yours, my ex moved REALLY fast. I am very slow moving-- cautious and guarded. But he was so persistent and seemed so genuine that I let myself believe all his crap about it being "meant to be" and that we were soulmates and all that. Got caught up in the magic and romance of it all I guess, which clouded my intuition. It was trying to tell me everything was too good to be true, and that true love probably isn't gonna sprout after a few weeks, that's likely just infatuation.

 

SO, my point is I'm sure your ex is moving just as fast in his head with her as he did with you (I'm sorry to say that ) and if she's halfway healthy emotionally, that is gonna make her get suspicious. Guys like our exes NEED us to overcome our misgivings and to be on board with the magical meant-to-be fantasy they're creating. I don't think they do it with ill intent, I think they really believe they're in love at that stage. And so maybe whatever tactic your ex used with you to make you drop your defenses didn't work on the new girl, so he tried to find the chink in her armor in other ways, and it turned out to be having money spent on her. My ex got over my walls by spouting spiritual stuff to me about how we were drawn together by the Universe, blah blah blah.. That was the chink in my armor because I do believe in fate and all that, which he knew. So yah, they test different tactics til one works.

 

It's probably all unconscious for them really. All I know is that the hottest fires burn out most quickly, so I doubt they'll last. I feel like anyone who is capable of falling so fast is equally capable of a) falling for someone else just as fast and b) turning OFF their feelings just as fast. I know in the future I'm going to avoid any fast-moving fellas, that's for sure!

 

Oh my gosh! This was AWESOME insight!! Thank you for that. I can totally see that. No need to apologize for saying something that I may not want to hear, that is why I posted the question and what you said makes really good sense.

I loved what you said about the chink in the armour, and the wanting us to overcome our misgivings to meet their "meant to be" fantasy YES YES YESSSSS!! That is exactly it.

 

You have definitely given me some great insight to think about. Thank you so much!!

 

 

 

 

And finally, mini update from me: I did send a closure email to my ex Wednesday night and it has helped me a lot in having an end point in my head to move on from. I kept it very civil and polite. Just said what I felt I needed to say to move on. No reply of course, don't even know if he's read it, but it doesn't matter. One very strange thing that has been bugging me though-- I snooped one last time on his Facebook that night (hadn't looked at it in 2 weeks) and he has been posting very sad, mopey breakup/relationship quotes and memes that I feel are directed towards me. AND my birthday was last weekend and he posted a birthday card on his page that day that was a joke about having killed a tree for the card-- he always ribbed me about being a "tree-hugger." Had to be directed towards me.. And yet he has never attempted to contact me in any way since the breakup. WTF? I just don't understand him Never will.

 

I'm trying to not let it all set me back. The reality is if we really had been meant to be as I allowed myself to believe, we'd be together right now. Trying to keep my faith in the Universe strong.. But man, it's tough some days

 

Hope you both have a great weekend! I'm working a lot, but should have time to swing by a friend's cookout this evening.

 

Good! I'm glad you sent it. There is a lot of crap online about what you are supposed to do and the strict NC and you should write a litter to the ex and not send it. Nonsense! You do what you feel in your heart and your mind you need to do for your particular situation. If sending him a closure letter is what you needed than I am glad you did it. Do you feel better even though he hasn't answered? That is how I felt after I found out about his other woman, I had this need to confront him about it, I had this need to let him know that I know. I could have easily stayed in NC, waiting around like a schmuck for his "response to my letter in letting me know if there was a second chance for us" And the best thing I could have done was reel him in and then give him the virtual kick in the groin by letting him know I knew about his OW. I will NEVER regret that, and it was the best thing for me. So if I support you doing whatever you feel you need....for what it's worth

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh and by the way, talk about fate...Peony last might suggested I go on this site Putlocker that has all these streaming movies and tv shows. Well I was looking through the list and found this show that is shot locally in my hometown but I've never watched on tv. Anyway the premise looked kind of interesting it's called Being Erica and it is about a 30-something woman who seems to be doing everything wrong in her life and she has this therapist that works with her to go back in time to fix all the regrets that she has in her past that she feels are affecting her current abilities to make positive decisions her job her love life etc.

 

I went on a bit of a binge, not to give away too many spoilers in case anyone wants to see it but what I gathered so far is the message that we think that if we did things differently in the past that our present would be better when even if we did have the chance to fix those mistakes we would still likely end up where we are today. The one thing that keeps us from being happy today is that inner negative voice that punishes us for what we feel we've done wrong not for the mistakes themselves. It's what we take away from the mistakes that will bring us happiness. (of course I am oversimplifying it)

 

I thought it was really interesting I started watching that and that Peonyrose recommended the site and I ended up there, almost serendipitous. Thanks Peony!! I didn't end up watching Eat Pray Love but I ended up having a bit of a catharsis through that silly show so...

Edited July 2, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hahaha you are a howl, you make me laugh I too though would be devastated haha if I got banned fro this site. Imagine it? I'm laughing as I write this but seriously, actually we should try do code words or something of our email addreses.. Haha but seriously, just in case!

 

Ah no my friend, that boat has long shipped, I can't see any of that for us now . I just wanted to use it as an example of how, crazy life can be, you actually never know. He once upon a time was the love of my life, in fact always will be the special one but my love moved on, I found a mature love, and my ex has done me so damn wrong, but I will say he showed me to love in a grown up way, as f****d as it sounds. But he's nearly 50 so you kind of wouldn't expect anything else, some bit of maturity is a given. And he did teach me stuff.

 

I'd love a dream ending, hell my daughter would love me and my ex ex to be together, but were different people, hes career focused and gun focused I've become laid back, that stuff isn't as important as it was.

 

And hey use "putlocker" for safe downloads and of course Netflix as we all use

 

Oh there is no chance with "ex-squared"? (we'll call him that because he was 1x ago hahaha)

 

Sorry didn't get the last part, so your daughter would want you getting back with ex or ex-squared? And I am assuming you meant your ex was the mature kind of love the one going on 50 right?

[peonyrose]

Hi girls, nice to see you back Trinity, actually it is good to take a break from this site I did it last week for 2 days, when I broke nc to send my long f**k you message, and soooooooooooo glad I did! Every time I feel tempted to reach out, I read my f**k you message. May I add I pat myself on the back every time I read it hahaha.....

 

Looks like all 3 of are doing better than we were, well thank god for that. I didn't think I'd ever smile again and hell I'm even laughing lol.....

 

I did NOTHING today, I lay in the bath, I lay in bed nearly all day, I had my music on, I read some Louise hay ( I love her) I drank tea in bed. No housework, no coursework, just me being me. I will venture out soon for a short walk to get a bottle of wine and some noodles from the Thai restaraunt, and then for the night I will enjoy being me .... Of course some moments of sadness a little crying but it was a damn good day...

 

Sunkissed how is the long weekend going, are you feeling a bit better about having so much free time? Glad you found that show, sounds good I might watch it too. Think tonight I will watch Eat Pray Love, but who knows I might change my mind and I can now haha.... Oh squared ex not 50 year old ex is who my girl would love me to marry, he knows it too, we joked about it.

 

Germany are playing in the euros in 20 minutes, I hope they lose, it will make his night out with friends in Germany a little less enjoying, how mean of me but I don't care. I hope the trip is crap start to finish if I'm honest. And if he does come back to Ireland next week. I wonder what a kick in the gut it will be to be going back to a room in a shared house, in a crappy area! Not home to me like he was used to, and the fuss I used to make of him because I was so happy he was back. Oh and the memories of our trip to Germany 10 weeks agoo, may also haunt him a bit while he's on his holiday. Good old loyal me trying to do my best by him on that trip, and be kind to his friends and family, and go to all his old hang out spots, support him with his 2 kids, trying to just let it be a nice trip for him. Oh tut tut I just went off on a rant sorry gals.....

 

Oh trinity yes visualise you, me and sunkissed on a tropical beach, been waited on by handsome men you never know girls.. Let's put it out into the universe

[Sunkissedpatio]

Your day sounds wonderful Peony! So glad you are enjoying yourself. We are making it can you believe it?

 

Hahahah OMG you made me burst out laughing when you said you hope Germany loses! That is a naughty wish indeed, considering he will be there for the game to watch with all his mates. I want Germany to lose because they beat out Argentina (that's my team) in the world cup so I am right there with you LOL

 

I am certain the trip will bring back all the memories of when you were there last, and you don't need Germany to lose the Euro Cup for him to feel sad and have memories. It's inevitable.

 

I'm great actually thank you for asking, been puttering around home and tyding up and about to go grab a few things (wine as well) and thinking of maybe bbq'ing tonight so I have some ready meals for dinner during the week. Then tomorrow I will spend the day out with a girlfriend I haven't seen in a while but I am debating is I want to tell her yet about my split. I don't know why I am struggling so much to talk about this with friends....maybe because I've not seen her in a while. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

 

So... long weekend success!

 

Oh by the way I had a peek at Louise Hay I loved what I read on her website, I will dedicate some time to it as well.

 

You girls are like a god send, you've inspired me with some great references and insight, thanks so much!!

[Redhead14]

Hello everyone I stumbled upon this forum, I'm new here, and could use some sound advice.

 

Here is my story:

 

Fiance and I were together 4 years (engaged for one) living together for 2. We had a very passionate and enmeshed relationship and we knew fairly early on we wanted to be together for the long haul, were super compatible and fell very hard in love.

 

We had some issues with insecurities and expecting a lot of each other and accusing each other of things that were not true (based on our own fears and insecurities from past hurts) and we would fight about those things somewhat regularly but always found a way to work it through because our bond was so strong and unique.

 

About a year and half ago he lost his job and went into a deep depression and started taking medication to get him out of the slump. His paranoia and feelings that I would leave him were out of control as well as the idea that because I was working and he wasn't he wasn't good enough for me. Little things would turn into big fights and everything I did to reassure him would fall on deaf ears and the cycle would start again. So I put my foot down and begged him to talk to someone or this was going to kills us. I could no longer counsel him because at times he felt criticized when I was trying to be supportive.

 

Instead of therapy he chose to start on meds, and he slowly started to change for the better in terms of the insecurities and unfounded paranoid accusations, he also found work (a month after he started the meds) but he also became a lot colder, really mean and very disrespectful version of himself when we would fight. I then became more insecure of how he was becoming and our fights got worse and more intense and disrespectful but he definitely changed and changed for a meaner, colder version of the man I feel in love with who didn't seem to care much about reconciliation when we had conflict.

 

Long story short he decided he was moving out last month because he couldn't handle the fighting any more and was convinced I didn't want to be with him. Granted in the worst of our fights I have told him to get out (so had he in past fights) and thrown the ring at him feeling like it was meaningless due to the awful things we would say to me in a fight. This time he decided he was going to act on it.

 

He packed everything and moved out despite me pleading with him please stay we could fix things and go to therapy together and fix our communication problems. He refused and said he just needed space(he has a high pressure demanding job) and needed to be away from the rel now.

 

So the day he moved out we decided we would still work on the relationship but living separately yet he still refused to go to therapy. He wanted me to go live with him at his place but I didn't want to rush into doing that because I felt it wouldn't solve our issues. And took that as me wanting to be on my own. Which was NOT the case at all. I wanted to not repeat the same destructive patterns again Anyway, we tried for a month and now he started picking fights about anything and pulling bait and switches on me. He was convinced I wanted nothing to do his new place and that I resented him for moving out despite my efforts to show otherwise. Our last fight was over something he pulled a bait and switch on me for and we didn't speak for 4 days. So in a panic I showed up at his new place and had a melt down wanting to know what was going and why we were not even talking. It was not a good night I really got very upset and was convinced he was not being honest with me and accused him of lying to me. So I left that night (things unresolved) and the weekend after that he emailed me to come get a few of his things he had left at my (our place lived in together before he move) and he dumped me for good stating I had driven him to move and that it would never work. He basically blamed me for everything.

 

This was three weeks ago. I found out that two days after the night I showed up at his house he was already dating someone and have confirmed they are still together. I had sent him a second chance letter two weeks ago (before I knew he was already seeing someone) and his response was I can't answer this now I need to "sort some things out" and will let you know when I'm clear headed. (I thought the wording was peculiar so I started to dig deeper to see if he was with someone) and sure enough he was.

 

I have been beyond devastated. Not only did he leave me and refuse to acknowledge the heartfelt letter where I took full ownership of all my mistakes but I have now found out he started seeing someone the same week he dumped me.

 

I want to confront him about what I now know, but I am doing my head in trying to figure out if I should or just wait and see what he has to say when he deems himself "ready" to respond to my letter. I could never take him back now knowing he has already moved on to someone else 2 seconds after we split up. And the devastation of knowing our rel was that meaningless to him is more pain than I can handle right now. I don't know what to do Should I just confront him with what I know or wait to see if he lies more.I go from hating him to missing him like crazy to feeling like everything I thought I knew of him was a complete farce. He was not the cheating type and I never in a million years expected him to do something like this.

 

he started seeing someone the same week he dumped me. -- He was seeing BEFORE he dumped you and kept you on the back burner in case that one didn't work out.

 

He was not the cheating type -- Rarely does one know whether or not they are the type to cheat until they cheat. Sometimes they didn't even think they would ever be a cheater.

 

You don't miss him, you miss the man you thought you knew and wished he would be.

 

This is a difficult thing to deal with. Be kind to yourself and focus on your needs. Keep busy with anything you can think of, clean closets, take care of things you've been letting slide, go out with friends. Just force yourself do some things. Give yourself a little time each day to grieve. Set aside a half and hour or so to sit with your emotions and at the end of that time, make yourself do something else. If you stick with it, you will find that you need less and less time to do that. Only a little at a time. Like a tea kettle letting off steam so it doesn't boil over. If you let yourself become overwhelmed it will be more difficult. Be well.

[peonyrose]

Sunkissed buy The power is within you, by Louise Hay. Such a great book its helped me so much, and using the affirmations has been a god send, to a very tired and stressed out mind. You will love it. Read it slow, let it sink in. I read a few pages a day. I read it a few years back and this time its a whole different read, I'm learning stuff.

 

Oh I'm delighted you had a good day too, wouldn't it be amazing if we could all barbq together with wine and music

 

As for meeting friends oh girl do I understand. I've become a bit of a recluse because of that reason. I'm not ready to talk about it, and I'm embarrassed, weird but yeah I am. Everyone knew how happy I was with him, and of our recent engagement. I've thought of just saying I ended it, that we grew apart but I can't lie and I know the minute I start opening up about what happened I will surely breakdown, so until I'm stronger I think its best for me I don't meet up with friends. So I understand your reservations completely. Do ye have to talk about him? Probably a dumb question.

 

I must look up the suggestions you gave me last night. The link that nearly got you banned hahaha ))))))))) lol.......

[peonyrose]

So I've put a face to my name girls... Not in anyway hiding from anything in my life anymore.I am me, and I am proud to be me. I've fought damn hard to be me for a long time.and I'm in no ways ashamed of anything I say on this or in my life. If anything it shows, what a strong person I am, and how loyal and trusting I am, a good person. Too much hiding away in my life, time to stop. Show the world me, and this is my tiny step forward....

[Sunkissedpatio]

Wow Peony you are so gorgeous! thank you for sharing your picture that was so brave of you. I want you to meet me too but I am not sure I want to post my pic on here maybe if you are on before I head out I'll post it up for a few minutes just so we can meet...We would have a LOT of fun together!

 

 

I will check out that book you recommended, I really liked what I saw on her website.

 

I am the exact same about feeling embarrassed to tell my friends how stupid to be embarrassed about that isn't it? I have been discussing that a lot in therapy every week she would ask me if I managed to take the ring off at work, and I would tell her no, I don't want to have to discuss it with my co-workers. But I started to two weeks ago and it felt great actually. No one has asked or even noticed yet, or maybe they have but haven't had the courage to ask. Either way I am ready to explain it didn't work out and leave at that. With friends though it's different you have to explain and everyone who saw us thought we were just the perfect couple so that makes it that much harder. Ughhh.

 

We'll see what happens today.

[Sunkissedpatio]

he started seeing someone the same week he dumped me. -- He was seeing BEFORE he dumped you and kept you on the back burner in case that one didn't work out.

 

He was not the cheating type -- Rarely does one know whether or not they are the type to cheat until they cheat. Sometimes they didn't even think they would ever be a cheater.

 

Hi Readhead14 ya isn't that the truth, who is to say what the cheating type is...I say that because of how much of a homebody he was he would go to work and come straight home and he wanted to spend all his time with me so that thought was "even if he remotely wanted to, when would he find the time?" I am always with him or we are constantly in contact when we are away. It was usually me who disappear from text because I was too busy for a few hours and he would be texting "everything ok?" Plus his ex wife left him for a another man and supposedly had an affair with her current husband how was married with two kids at the time. So if I expected anyone to know what it feels like it was him and that is why I "excused" a great deal of his huge insecurity issues, because he had been betrayed and never thought he would be capable of that. And yet he definitely found the time during his work day. how stupid was I!!

 

You don't miss him, you miss the man you thought you knew and wished he would be.

 

Yup, 100%. I miss what I believed he was. Once I found out what he actually was it shut me right down. Of course I still feel the pain but I've been fuelled mostly by anger and so it's made a lot easier to stop missing all the good, all the good was fake in the last while.

 

This is a difficult thing to deal with. Be kind to yourself and focus on your needs. Keep busy with anything you can think of, clean closets, take care of things you've been letting slide, go out with friends. Just force yourself do some things. Give yourself a little time each day to grieve. Set aside a half and hour or so to sit with your emotions and at the end of that time, make yourself do something else. If you stick with it, you will find that you need less and less time to do that. Only a little at a time. Like a tea kettle letting off steam so it doesn't boil over. If you let yourself become overwhelmed it will be more difficult. Be well.

 

Thank you kindly for the lovely words. I am. I stopped beating myself up for "chasing him away" that is what he had me believe, and of course he would it is the only way he could justify to himself what he did.

I was also the receiving end of all his crap over the years, I didn't open myself up to another man, yet he seems to think that my mistakes in the relationship drove him to cheat. If that were the case I had more than enough opportunities but when I say I am not wired that way and would just never do that to another person I actually mean it, unlike him who turned out to be a flaky fraud.

[Trinity7]

You're beautiful Peony! Your stupid ex is missing out And not just on your looks. I'm too nervous to post a picture yet either-- I have horrors of my ex coming across this forum.. Not likely, I know, and also not like he wouldn't still know it was me from my posts.. lol. But it's a hangup of mine. Maybe at some point I'll be brave enough to

 

Sunkissed, I'm doing pretty good, thanks for asking! Had a mini breakdown earlier, but feel better after a cry. I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm so torn up over such a short relationship. I am NOT usually like this, even when a much longer term, more serious relationship crumbled a couple years back. I can't figure it out. So I'm just plowing through as best I can

 

I still have zero regrets about sending my closure email. I feel good knowing I opened my heart and shared my feelings-- I'm not great at doing that, but it's something I think is important and I'm working on being more open and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

 

Thank you for the advice about not beating myself up for hurting him asking for some space-- I think you hit the nail on the head! He couldn't have had a long term, healthy relationship in mind if he seriously thought I was never going to need some time to catch up on my own life. As much as I miss him, I'm feeling some relief that the pace of my life is slowing back down a bit. Trying to be there for him every minute was a bit exhausting sometimes. He's in a very needy stage of life right now, which I have compassion for, but before the BU, I was starting to question how long I'd be able to handle that level of intensity. I was willing to work through that challenge with him, but obviously he wasn't

 

I wanted to tell you both that Louise Hay (love her too!) has an online radio station called Hayhouse Radio. It's basically like 24/7 self help programs with a different host every hour. It's very positive and I often play it at night as I'm falling asleep.. Might be something you guys would want to check out! I'm going to look into the Putlocker series you mentioned.

 

I'm adding my positive vibes and manifesting powers to this Caribbean vacation idea as well!! We'll be there before we know it

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed thank you for your kind words I took a break from this today, I've basically had my head in my laptop, my pad or my phone since Friday. I needed a break from technology so I said I'd go for a walk, I walked the hour into the city, enjoyed the sounds of nature, looked at the big fancy houses, dreamt of living in one haha... Felt a bit on edge when I got to the city, kind of my first time walking around without him by my side since we met. I don't know I felt a bit vulnerable, even sad if I'm honest. So I bought some shopping for dinner and walked back home. It was a big step forv me believe it or not, I got very used to being with him. He wanted to spend all our time together and we did. Most Sundays wed walk in the city and have a coffee, so I had a few tears, luckily I had my sunglasses.

 

Oh sunkissed you are probably gone out now, but when we are both on here together I would love to meet you

 

Girls I really thought of taking the photo down, but I really couldn't care less if he or anyone read the stuff I've said. I have in no way been a bad person, I've been totally honest about my story. I've been strong and truthful, true to me.

 

Hi trinity, thank you also for your kind words . And I know you would be nervous putting your photo up, we all are different and do things differently. I'm sorry you had a mini breakdown today, how are you now? Its awful how it can come in waves, one minute your OK the next your bawling.

 

Any yes Louise Hay is the best, I listen to that too at night such an inspirational person. Look at her, at her age so full of life, energy, loves, happiness and good health. She did that, she made that happen. Its so encouraging.

 

Yes girls, we need to picture us sitting on the beach, with the hot sun healing us from the outside in. Bliss....

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sunkissed, I'm doing pretty good, thanks for asking! Had a mini breakdown earlier, but feel better after a cry. I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm so torn up over such a short relationship. I am NOT usually like this, even when a much longer term, more serious relationship crumbled a couple years back. I can't figure it out. So I'm just plowing through as best I can

 

I still have zero regrets about sending my closure email. I feel good knowing I opened my heart and shared my feelings-- I'm not great at doing that, but it's something I think is important and I'm working on being more open and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

 

Stop beating yourself up over feeling as you do for the length of your relationship. That is totally irrelevant. People can make a lasting impact on us in just a few hours of exposure to them, throw love/romance and shared experiences and intimacy into the mix and it really doesn't matter how long you knew this man for he had the effect he had on you. no point fighting that, and it is just another excuse to look down on yourself and that is the last thing you need right now. You need to be kind to yourself so that you can be strong again. That is a non-issue so stop right now with complicating your grief even more, you don't need to do that.

 

 

Thank you for the advice about not beating myself up for hurting him asking for some space-- I think you hit the nail on the head! He couldn't have had a long term, healthy relationship in mind if he seriously thought I was never going to need some time to catch up on my own life. As much as I miss him, I'm feeling some relief that the pace of my life is slowing back down a bit. Trying to be there for him every minute was a bit exhausting sometimes. He's in a very needy stage of life right now, which I have compassion for, but before the BU, I was starting to question how long I'd be able to handle that level of intensity. I was willing to work through that challenge with him, but obviously he wasn't

 

Well what about you, and the lies and what he put your through, who is thinking about you? Great, he is going through some hardships, I get it, life is tough but that doesn't excuse making others suffer too, especially those who are willing to stick it out and be by your side in those times.

 

I wanted to tell you both that Louise Hay (love her too!) has an online radio station called Hayhouse Radio. It's basically like 24/7 self help programs with a different host every hour. It's very positive and I often play it at night as I'm falling asleep.. Might be something you guys would want to check out! I'm going to look into the Putlocker series you mentioned.

 

I'm adding my positive vibes and manifesting powers to this Caribbean vacation idea as well!! We'll be there before we know it

 

I am getting really sucked in to that silly show the plot can be silly at times but the therapy parts are very educational I've a few "A-ha!" moments watching it and getting really sucked in for that alone. And in one of the episodes Drake plays a minimal role that is kind of bad and I suppose that was way before he became a famous rapper. He was acting here for a long time but that bit was cheesy hahaha.

 

I realize that show was from like the year 2000.

 

I will definitely check out that radio show with Louise Hay! i love talk radio especially if the topics are on psychology etc.

 

I am totally hooked on a phenomenal podcast show on NPR called Invisibillia it is absolutely fascinating! If you are into psychology and human behaviour these women produce the most incredible podcasts they are such great story tellers and they interview some interesting people.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[feelsobullied]

Penny, love the picture .. beautiful. girls write alot~ wow you may as well meat .. I can't believe all the time you put into this. i was dumped when I logged on a site and my beautiful and loving kind man of an ex said I was a frog on the computer while he was out with his princess and that like a vilan in a fairy tale I would be tossed aside. Then, in my 30's and not in love with a man, decided to flirt with one and he threw a big fit and then tried to dump me more .. I think it's time for nc~ only he's taken over every bloody online forum

 

so anyways .. Ive been asking him to leave me alone and he hasn't .. yet he is telling everyone Iam the problem.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Peony - had a lovely day with my friend and we ended up getting all caught up. I did end up spilling the beans and she was super understanding and shocked since she never ever expect me to tell her we were done an even more that he had an affair and left to be with her.

It felt good to talk to her about it actually. We had a nice day together and on my way home as I was waiting for the street car I had guy approach me to "chat me up" hahaha he was not my type but it was nice to be reminded "I've still got it"

 

Im sorry Sunday was hard and you had a cry but sometimes that is what you need to get that flood of emotion out and once it's out it feel so good. I welcome a good cry when it hits me. Obviously I had a good cry on Friday when I say the "happy cheaters at my work" but felt much better after I cried.

 

We'll have set backs and so we roll with the punches.

[peonyrose]

Hi sunkissed, sorry for late reply. I didn't have a good day. Worse I'd had in 3 weeks I'd say.

 

Basically I was on instagram, putting some photos up and looking at other peoples photos, when I come across HIM, he has me blocked so I was like how the f**k is this mans stuff coming up. Anyway law and behold. It was him commenting under beautiful girls photos! Like #single #singleman etc! So I can still see his page but not any pictures, just the details, so he's grown a full beard, died his hair black and has his new happy profile picture up, with " if you want to get in touch" and his f*****g personal email address. I feel sick, physically sick. Just over 6 weeks since he's gone, and already the scum has moved on! I can't tell you how I felt, there's no words! I'm heartbroken, doing my best to stay OK everyday and he's happy looking for a new young girl! It feels So cruel, because he did the breaking the heart part and yet he's the one making himself nlook all good, changing his look, trying to attract women.

 

Yesterday I was in Starbucks alone, and this beautiful looking Spanish guy asked me could he sit with me, would I like to chat and get to know each other, that I'm very beautiful and he had to say hi! Do you know I felt so much guilt because for a split second I thought yeah OK, but I declined his invitationb and said no I had to go, sorry. I felt so disloyal to my ex, like what's wrong with me. But I did.

 

I feel like I never ever ever knew one thing about my ex, nothing! That he played me, and was full of crap the whole way through. God do I want to break NC and say something, I'm considering it.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh noooooo Peony, why did you have to see that!! I'm so sorry. I totally know how you feel. That is exactly how I felt when I found out about mine that he was already dating one day after he dumped me ( that was bad enough to feel like our rel meant nothing) but then to add insult to injury found out they had been having some form of affair. UGh...what a gut-wrenching feeling. I'm so sorry you had to find that out.

 

They do move on quickly don't they!! I read somewhere that depending on the depth and the level of suffering some guys will move on quicker just to avoid having to deal with the pain. It was some man who said that so who knows how much truth there is to that but if it comes from a guy I guess they know what they are talking about. I don't care how much a person feels they have moved on while still in a relationship and you can typically see the level of interest they show I mean you can only fake so much... I just cannot see how you can just jump right in to something new without dealing with the closure of the last rel. Especially when you were engaged.

 

Just reading all the infidelity stories on this site alone of cheaters that come here looking for help who are stuck in marriages where they no longer are even being intimate with their wives they have lost all physical interest and are claiming to only stick around for the kids they are still having major challenges deciding between the wife and the mistress because although they are head over heels in love with the mistress they still claim they "love" but are not in love with their wives. So how can someone just move on in their heart from a knee jerk reaction move to split?

 

At any rate, I read countless stories on chumplady and other places of people who's cheating ex's were hit with the pain of the rel they left behind sometimes two years into the new relationship. I mean even when I have been the dumper I have never been able just to jump right into another relationship without some sort of adjustment to being on my own first, I've always still carried some emotional baggage even when I have shut right off and wanted out. I'm thinking of a 2 year rel I had in particular where I was sure I wanted out and even then I couldn't just jump right in I still had feelings for the man even though I wasn't in love.

 

I don't know how people do it, but they do do it.

 

Your Spanish guy at starbucks sounds hott! not your type? You are probably just not ready and that is totally understandable. I am the same right now. But I would have been all over that LOL. I've always been single when visiting Spain and happened to meet locals that were a lot of fun and hot!!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Penny, love the picture .. beautiful. girls write alot~ wow you may as well meat .. I can't believe all the time you put into this. i was dumped when I logged on a site and my beautiful and loving kind man of an ex said I was a frog on the computer while he was out with his princess and that like a vilan in a fairy tale I would be tossed aside. Then, in my 30's and not in love with a man, decided to flirt with one and he threw a big fit and then tried to dump me more .. I think it's time for nc~ only he's taken over every bloody online forum

 

so anyways .. Ive been asking him to leave me alone and he hasn't .. yet he is telling everyone Iam the problem.

 

 

 

Hi Feelsbullied thanks for sharing your story, I'm sorry I didn't quite understand what you meant in your post. Care to elaborate what your story is?

[peonyrose]

No sunkissed no interest in the hot Spanish guy. I felt guilt for even looking at him. How damn crazy!

 

I was with a man for 8 years, and never felt the devastation I've felt at times the last 6 weeks. I think its the fact I don't understand any of it, I really don't sunkissed. Its like I loved a man I never knew, I feel with every part of me I never knew him! It makes me feel so stupid, dumb, vulnerable and naive, man I lay every night in bed with this guy. And he was the opposite of absolutely everything I thought. I used to wake up, kiss him and say thank you god for a kind, loyal, honest man who loves me. Like no, he was the opposite. I was a fool, a damn fool.

 

He's nothing like the man I loved, nothing. He looks different now too. The man I loved never would be so Damn wreckless and petty and immature. #single #singleguy, like f**k your 50 in a couple of weeks, why behave like this. I hate it. Why is he being like a kid. I would never do that and I'm 15 years younger. Its horrible to see. I feel sick.

 

Sunkissed I wanted to break nc and say something, so bad tonight, I really struggled.