A (semi-private) invitation to former and current single OW with no D-day

[ShamanLover]

I’d love to open a dialogue with others in my position. I am not asking for advice, or opinions about to what extent mine (single fOW, no D-day) may or may not be a “victimless crime”, so I respectfully request those who haven’t walked in these particular shoes to refrain from comment. I understand that many on these boards see infidelity as a black and white issue, and feel that an intervention is not successful unless and until the MM is thoroughly demonized and the OW is beaten into a state of self-loathing contrition, but I am interested, at least in this thread, in creating a safe, judgment-free zone to explore many of the shades of grey in between.

 

There has been so much learning for me in this experience, and I have dwelled long enough in the shadow the aftermath has cast on my life. The reality is, the depths would never have been so fathomlessly deep had the heights not been so equally dizzying, and I’d like to shift my focus to the positives that I, and others, may have taken away from the experience.

 

In my case, it initiated a kind of phoenix process for me that really had much less to do with the MM than the version of myself that I was able to see reflected in his eyes… it was not so much about how I felt about him, or he felt about me, but rather the way I allowed myself to feel in his presence (which, for reasons I’m still not entirely clear on, included places I’ve never allowed myself to go with any “available” man).

 

So what was it about your affair that acted as a catalyst for learning/growth opportunities that “conventional” relationships may not have? What meaning have you made of the experience?

 

I’m also curious about where you were “at” in your life when MM came along, and what factors you think may have contributed to your vulnerability to, or curiosity about, heading down what many would consider to be a self-destructive path.

 

For those who have not read the link I posted on another thread that inspired my profile name, I’ll repost it here as an entry point. It’s an excerpt from a book called Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser: []

Edited June 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link ~6

[cocorico]

So what was it about your affair that acted as a catalyst for learning/growth opportunities that “conventional” relationships may not have? What meaning have you made of the experience?

 

For me, I think the ability to be completely authentic in a R because it was outside of the arena of roles and expectations allowed me to learn a great deal about myself, and about others. Also, because of its less "conventional" nature, the A signalled that only someone willing to enter that space - where convention, expectations etc were put aside - was invited, hence screening out less suitable lovers.

 

I’m also curious about where you were “at” in your life when MM came along, and what factors you think may have contributed to your vulnerability to, or curiosity about, heading down what many would consider to be a self-destructive path.

 

 

I was busy, fully involved in other aspects of my life with no time, interest or tolerance for the nonsense of conventional Rs. I wanted a space where I could get what I wanted from a R without having to play stupid games, where I could control exactly how much or how little of myself I invested, and where I could call the shots and control access on my own terms according to my own availability and interest. And it worked magnificently for me. With time and changing circumstances, my requirements shifted, and luckily his did too, in synch with mine, so the R was able to shift and change with us.

[13Hearts]

So what was it about your affair that acted as a catalyst for learning/growth opportunities that “conventional” relationships may not have?

 

Nothing. I learned much, much more about myself in non-affair relationships than in the affair.

 

What meaning have you made of the experience?

That having an affair with a MM is a really bad idea.

[Poppy47]

Hello Shaman,

 

I was at the lowest ,most confusing, terrifying point in my life when I met xMM.

I had lost my husband of 30 0dd years to Alzheimer's after being his carer for 7 years.

There was little in those days in the way of support. My children and step children , sadly, did nothing to take the stress of caring off my shoulders.

 

Suddenly, I was no longer in the role of carer and alone. ENTER MM. It was the easy option for some company and affection. Unfortunately, I took that easy option for almost 8 years.

 

The grey area for me still remains..... did he love me at all? Did I love him? I doubt his motives because I knew the other side of the equation. I will never know.

Nothing positive has come out of the affair for me. I am now where I was 8 years ago. I know that extreme circumstances and life crises can be a factor in how people seek comfort and support.

Poppy.

[Alamo657]

I got involved with unavailable women who were willing to cheat because we met organically and it was easier for me than OLD.

 

Its only after i had those experience that i realized we were both trying to fill a void, me because i was lonely, them because they were intrinsically unsatisfied about themselves and needed the thrill of seduction to feel alive. The common point of those people were a lack of outlet for their energy outside of work, no passion or hobby.

 

Of course one the thrill died down with me they just switched to other guys, that's when i realized (eventually) i was just used, not loved.