Eighty_nine Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Personally, I find your behavior more disturbing than hers. This must be a joke! 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I think it's in poor taste for you to kiss him unless you were already crazy about this guy yourself (which it doesn't sounds like you are). I also think you were too quick to throw her under the bus after being long term friends. Personally, I find your behavior more disturbing than hers. Can you please clarify? What is disturbing about two single people sharing a kiss? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Dazed, apparently. Correct any misinformation, please. Otherwise my understanding is this: Your married female friend confided that she has a crush on and has considered cheating with a friend of her husband who is a single male. There was some party or gathering that same friend witnessed you kissing the object of her lust. She subsequently became enraged with you and felt betrayed. You have no particular feelings toward the dude you kissed but at the same time, you are both single people and why not? You have since sent some email or such to now ex-friend's husband to enlighten him of his wife's wayward thoughts which she had not acted upon.....but felt betrayed that you would make a public move on her confidence.....she entrusted you with this info and you made haste to exploit. Literally on now two different levels. FYI....girl code, then marriage interference. Correct so far? I won't advocate cheating, but this scenario begs the question of where your loyalties are. Any women I would call friend would immediately tell me I was nuts to be thinking about another guy while married. Even more so, encourage conversations and/or counseling in order to right the course. It seems that your course was to bait your friend, by kissing her crush and subsequently tattle on her to her husband. She has indeed behaved poorly both to you and her husband and you have also been a less than stellar friend. Cut contact with them and please do remove yourself from their personal lives. Friends are both discreet and loyal....you are not their friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazedandconfused17 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 There is an overwhelming amount of people to respond too so I will do a mass one: I never told him in my message what had happened with my friends feelings towards his friend. I simply told him there was something I would like to speak about when he had a moment but never once told him about his wife/my friends feelings for his friend. He did contact me back but I simply could not ruin crush him over my fight with my friend. The truth always comes out but I don't think I need to be the one to ruin his marriage. As for her feelings for this guy..I think even though she does like him, seeing as the fact that she is married, there was nothing wrong with me kissing him. Yes I have been attracted to him in the past but we never acted on it and that night the opportunity came up and we acted on it. Nothing to be sorry for when two single adults who are attracted to each other kiss. I understand that she likes him but this crush didn't start before she met her husband, this crush started way after they got together and i've told her on several occasions it is 100% wrong to be with someone and be fantasizing about his friend. Even on her wedding day she talking about how hot he looked in his tux while not even being married for 24 hrs. There have been several inappropriate comments about this guy that made me very uncomfortable to hear and I made it clear that this was not right. If she was single and I knew she liked him there was no way I would even let him kiss me but at the end of the day she is married and should not be having feelings for her husbands friend. It's a very sad situation 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I was really surprised the other day when I read that you were going to tell him. I thought to myself there is someone is I would call a friend. I thought back to the three times I went through this and wished I would had have a friend covering my back too. So this morning when I come here and read this I guess I was wrong. Well it is your choice in the end. You can just walk away. If that is what your going to do then you need to cut all contact with both of them. Never talk to him again. Never give him the impression that you are his friend at all. Your just going to add to the betrayal once he learns his wife is a xxxx and her friends knew about it the whole time. I personally would have told him even if it did cost the marriage. He has every right to know just the same as she would if he was doing the same to her. What makes this even more sickening to me is you talked to her on the day of her wedding and she told you how she was thinking of his friend the whole time and you can still walk away without saying anything to him. She is the one that broke the marriage already not you or anyone else. I wouldn't waste another second on her if I knew she did that to me. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I won't advocate cheating, but this scenario begs the question of where your loyalties are. Any women I would call friend would immediately tell me I was nuts to be thinking about another guy while married. Even more so, encourage conversations and/or counseling in order to right the course. It seems that your course was to bait your friend, by kissing her crush and subsequently tattle on her to her husband. She has indeed behaved poorly both to you and her husband and you have also been a less than stellar friend. Cut contact with them and please do remove yourself from their personal lives. Friends are both discreet and loyal....you are not their friend. That is my interpretation of the situation too. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 So she is a poor friend for kissing the guy her MARRIED friend has a crush on. Was daydreaming about on the day of her marriage? Is this really the issue? Wow I need to really relearn about being married. Hey Don't look at that single HOT woman over there because she is my crush. Its tough that your single and she might actually have a say in it too but HANDS OFF she is mine. I am not sure what culture practice this line of thinking but wow that is crazy. Did she bait her friend. Is it possible while being single the guy actually liked her and she went for it. Is she honestly in the wrong for that? Shouldn't the two points of concern be Hey your getting married and your thinking about another guy. You probably should not get married. This is really wrong.... Or Telling the Husband who is walking into this train wreck with blind folds on.. It seems to me people have only one priority these days. That is themselves and screw anyone else that should stand in there way. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazedandconfused17 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 So she is a poor friend for kissing the guy her MARRIED friend has a crush on. Was daydreaming about on the day of her marriage? Is this really the issue? Wow I need to really relearn about being married. Hey Don't look at that single HOT woman over there because she is my crush. Its tough that your single and she might actually have a say in it too but HANDS OFF she is mine. I am not sure what culture practice this line of thinking but wow that is crazy. Did she bait her friend. Is it possible while being single the guy actually liked her and she went for it. Is she honestly in the wrong for that? Shouldn't the two points of concern be Hey your getting married and your thinking about another guy. You probably should not get married. This is really wrong.... Or Telling the Husband who is walking into this train wreck with blind folds on.. It seems to me people have only one priority these days. That is themselves and screw anyone else that should stand in there way. Yeah I had spoken to her on multiple occasions on how she should not be getting married and her way of thinking was wrong. Even on her wedding night I told her she needed to stop this. Either way I choose to proceed someone gets hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dazedandconfused17 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 I was really surprised the other day when I read that you were going to tell him. I thought to myself there is someone is I would call a friend. I thought back to the three times I went through this and wished I would had have a friend covering my back too. So this morning when I come here and read this I guess I was wrong. Well it is your choice in the end. You can just walk away. If that is what your going to do then you need to cut all contact with both of them. Never talk to him again. Never give him the impression that you are his friend at all. Your just going to add to the betrayal once he learns his wife is a xxxx and her friends knew about it the whole time. I personally would have told him even if it did cost the marriage. He has every right to know just the same as she would if he was doing the same to her. What makes this even more sickening to me is you talked to her on the day of her wedding and she told you how she was thinking of his friend the whole time and you can still walk away without saying anything to him. She is the one that broke the marriage already not you or anyone else. I wouldn't waste another second on her if I knew she did that to me. C He hasn't gotten back to me about meeting up to talk. I personally don't think he will since she is upset with me and probably told him to not respond to me so the no response isn't surprising to me. If I did tell him I don't think it should be something I do via text/email though. But then again I don't feel like there is a right way for me to tell him this news of his wife :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 (edited) I think some of you are completely misunderstanding Girl Code (and its male equivalent, Bro Code). The idea of either is to back off from making a move on your SINGLE friend's crush because you don't get in the way of your (single) friend getting w his or her crush. It certainly isn't about stepping aside of someone where there is mutual attraction so your MARRIED friend can have a piece of that person behind the married person's spouse's back. Yes indeed you should be "discreet and loyal" when it comes to your friends but a situation like this (where your friend is planning on hurting an innocent person) is an exception. That actually would be aiding an affair, and the betrayal and pain of an innocent person (the married person's spouse) who did nothing to deserve that. Certainly not part of being a good friend. I do think dazed should end the friendship with this woman, but that is because dazed's ex-friend is the one who is toxic and who is the one who is completely at fault here. Edited June 10, 2016 by Imajerk17 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 He hasn't gotten back to me about meeting up to talk. I personally don't think he will since she is upset with me and probably told him to not respond to me so the no response isn't surprising to me. If I did tell him I don't think it should be something I do via text/email though. But then again I don't feel like there is a right way for me to tell him this news of his wife :/ Who cares how you tell him. You just be honest and you tell him everything. Nothing may ever come of it but it is his information to use. At the very least he can put distance between her and the guy. Who cares about her at this point. She is a adult and if she can't see she shouldn't be drooling over some guy on the day of her marriage as being a huge red flag then that is her problem. Her husband is the one that deserves the truth. I would have paid to have someone tell me. In the end I cut ties with my xW family and friends we had made over there not wanting to do the right thing. I won custody of my kids and I can tell you my kids have spent very little time around any of those people. I would rather raise my children around honest decent people with morals than people that are only looking out for what they can get in life. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I would recommend just doing nothing and walking away from this friendship. It is not your duty to expose your friend's crush on the buddy to the husband. I doubt very highly this would improve your situation...in fact he won't believe you for she will accuse you of being the one who is psycho. The backlash from this may even affect your other friendships when this crazy friend of yours reaches out to others in vengeance. If he can't figure out his wife will probably cheat on him, that is his problem to deal with not yours. There are times you are best to extinguish the friendship and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Well, I wouldn't tell, unless it was a close friend of mine. And she has no reason to be upset about it. If she's married but is not satisfied with her relationship, then she should just break up. She seems very immature and I would guess it's a matter of time til she cheats on him. It's okay to feel attracted to other people, but come on, the woman is MARRIED and gets jealous that her crush is with someone else? Just wow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Yeah nothing supersedes "girl code". Forget your kissing this guy. You are allowed to kiss whoever the hell you want to. You are a free SINGLE woman. If you did not know this poor husband it would be different . But you don and you said you think highly of him and he does not deserve this. So when she starts to tell you she is having an affair with her husbands buddie of course "girl code " will require you to stay silent and let this guy you think is great get devastated rights n front of you . Very sad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 I believe in "decent human being code." Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 11, 2016 Share Posted June 11, 2016 Yes...I was advocating cheating and by 'girl code' I meant compliance and complicity with adulterous shenanigans..... I have not had a married friend come to me in confidence and inform me that she was fantasizing about another man. I do know however, what I would do. Give her a hug, ask her what is prompting this behavior and strongly encourage her to turn toward her marriage with communication, individual counseling and marriage counseling. There is no doubt in my mind that my only concern with the matter would be (as a friend) to encourage fidelity. I think I would also distance myself as this entire scenario would predict drama coming down the shoot. What I would not do.....make out in front of my friend with the dude she has confided interest....that's just me. I would consider that course of action as a front row ticket to the middle of a bad situation...which it turns out has happened, surprise. Op is single and can kiss this dude, date and marry this dude...although I did not read that she has any particular interest in him. It was a giddy moment. OP, I posted earlier that I would remove myself from this situation and that is still my advice. If this guy is a man you want to date, by all means. Your friend has some issues that need to be addressed and most other posters seem to think you should make it your personal business to make sure that she does. I would not have made the same choices as yourself but then again, I don't have friends telling me they want to cheat on their husband, thank goodness. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Forward the messages that she has sent to you. He will pick up on what is going on pretty quick. You also might try talking with the guy it is about. He has been friends with the husband for a while, he should be able to talk it out with you and decide what is best. Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Too bad you didn't tell him, I definitely would. Especially since she has not actually cheated. This could be an avenue for them to talk about what is happening in their marriage. I don't think crushes in long-term relationships are unusual... they happen. But this early, and lasting for this long? I'd say they have stuff that needs work in their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Felltoohard Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 This is absurd. She's being childish about something that shouldn't even be her business. For God's sake, she just got married! Do not feel bad, she should be the one feeling as horrible as the horrible way she is acting, both with you and her husband. Does he know she has a crush on this guy? If she keeps insulting you via texts threaten her to show it all to her husband. That should - I say should because with people you never know - make her back off. Best of luck, and please... do not feel guilty for something like this! SHE is the one that should feel guilty for making such drama out of nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts